Failed and Frustrated

Hi everyone- for those of you who don't remember me, i'll give a brief summary of my story:  I have been taking 6-10 norcos 10 mg for the last 2 years, on and off (mostly on).  It started because of pain, and it became a way to get high, get energy, feel happy, and mask my depression.  I quit CT in August and lasted 2 weeks, but relapsed because of the lack of energy and continued depression that the opiates were masking while I was using.  I have been reading posts, but not posting since, and trying to find a way to quit for good.  I've tried tapering, and I can seem to get below 4 pills per day without bouncing back because of the wd's and depression.  I don't think I was quite "fed up" with the pills the last time I quit.  Taking one to get high still seemed like a pretty fun time.  Now, I am f***** ready to shake this monster that has been gripping me for the last two years of my life.  I hate the fact that I think about pills all of the time, I count the pills, I'm so afraid of running out, and I am so mad at myself for relapsing.  I am so afraid of withdrawals, yet why did I choose to go back and put myself through it again?!!!  I think my rock bottom was when I took a day off of work to drive to AZ (I live in CA) to pick up more pills from my "supplier."  I had resolved to quit, but I panicked when I ran out of pills and decided I "NEEDED" just a few more.  Somewhere during that 700 mi. round-trip drive, I felt like I was outside of myself and watching a movie-version of myself.  I asked that drug-crazed, desperate girl, "What are you doing?"  And my only answer had to be "I am destroying my health, my bank accounts, my spirit, and everything I should cherish and protect in life."  THAT made me finally hate the pills.  Last time, I have to admit, I still kind of liked them despite all the negatives.

Also, last time, I didn't go to meetings, despite the great advice from you folks here. I was too afraid that someone from my profession would see me or find out, and I'd lose my job and my future.  Now, I realize that my future is gone UNLESS I get real help.  I tried therapy, but I just ended up lying to my therapist because she didn't really seem to understand addiction (no personal experience on her part).  I need to talk to addicts like me who GET IT.  I'm continuing to (painfully) taper until next Wed (an important day at work for me).  Thursday 11/19 will be my first day of freedom, though I am not looking forward to the physical he!! I have to pass through to get there.  I've looked up meetings for each day of the week in my area.

My question is, can I start going to meetings now before I have officially quit?  I am tapering, but need to be functional enough to work until next Wed.  So, it's one week until D-Day, and I'm getting my body ready with vitamins and amino acids, but I'd like to get my mind and spirit ready with emotional support.  However, I've never been to a meeting and don't know if it's inappropriate to go while I am tapering but still taking the pills.  Thanks for listening, and all your previous support.  I will be immensely humbled and grateful for help this (last) detox.

[desperatetostop]

Congrats to you for making this huge decision...

regarding 12 step meetings...I believe the 'only require for membership is the DESIRE to quit..."

I'm sure that tappering while going to meetings will be ok...though I wouldn't announce it.

good luck next wed at work and you'll do fine from Thursday on!

[dominosarah]

Welcome back!!!  As for your question.....yes you can go.  We have some at my group who are tapering and we would never turn them away.  You know tapering is tough and you have to be really strong here so the quicker you can get going on aftercare the better.  I am so glad you have found your way back.   That is what is important.  You dont ever fail as long as you keep trying!!!  Stick around here now.......sara

[MickisGirl]

I agree. Go now. Some meetings are strict and they may ask you not to speak until you are off the drugs and that is ok at least you can listen. Or you can find another meeting until you are comfortable. I am happy for you for your decision!

[newstart730]

thank you for the advice- I think I will go this week, but just listen at first.  This is totally new for me, and I'm a bit scared . . .  

[gizzy32]

Congrats on doing this and having a plan in place. Of course your welcome at meetings. You will be welcome with open arms and if you don't want to talk at first, then like you say, just listen, but yes, you can talk if ya want. All you need is the desire to be clean. The first time i went i was sooooooo nervous, but the second I walked in and sat down in went away. I just wanted to wish you luck, life is so much better off these drugs:) Keep posting.

[daisy699]

Welcome back!! It's so good you have set a date to stop and preparing and making plans for support is very smart!! EVERYONE is welcome at meetings under the influence or not really isn't anyones interest in why your there,most people at meetings are just really happy that people make it there!!!! I have been to many meetings where people have ben drinking but that's not the point it's that they ARE there and wanting help!! I'm not sure if you've heard the fraze "fake it till you make it" but it is said alot in the halls and works for many people!! I commend you for starting the fight to getting your life back,just keep fighting!! As for the dep[ression part I personally went to a Dr. for an antidepressant to help me through b/c I knew I wouldn't make it again and being o meds (legal) to level me out was much better than the alternative for me. Congratulations on your way to a new and wonderful sober life!! Reading your post brought back alot of the memories and feelings I had at the begining and I can remember thinking I would NEVER make it....today I can proudly say i am 161 days clean with a wonderful life I thought I could never get back!!!! Happier days are in your future stay strong....Daisy  

[itsabouttime139]

i am really not sure about the meetings....i am pretty new to this.  i just wanted to commend you on all you shared.  you verbalized exactly how i feel so incredibly well.  we all, i think, have that feeling of guilt and hating the dependancy...but then love it at the same time.  there is a lot of shame and a lot of living i have not done yet either.  i have had an addiction for at least 5-6 years.  i took a pill yesterday and flushed the rest.  this feeling is horrible..but for once, i believe (and can visualize) that it will pass.  We WILL get through this.  my thoughts are with you... you are going to do the right thing.

[newstart730]

Thank you so much for your encouragement.  I DO feel better about having a plan this time.  Now that I think about it, I have never EVER talked to anyone honestly about my addiction face-to-face.  Yes, here on this site (when I was posting), but I don't get to see your lovely faces.  I've admitted it to a doctor and a therapist, but neither were recovering addicts and could only help me from a scientific (vs. empathetic) standpoint.  I feel like I thought I was strong enough (whatever THAT is) to do this on my own, but now I realize that there is no way I can fight this without some tangible help.  Thank you, everyone.  

[deadmanwalking135]

u know the best thing one can do to start with is to decide. u know in ur heart that u have to come out of it . u want to control ur self rather than controled by some substance. i met an accident while on drugs and almost lost my girlfriend in that accident but it chnaged my life i decided to give up. i was adicted to 24 spasmo proxyvons in a day and then slowly in period of 3 months i came down to 4 and in next 2 months i am now clean. so just go for that bright sunshine cause the stormy night is going to be over soon. god bless u. believe in him and go for medical help. it works. talk ur heart out. love u .

[Florida_Guy737]

Substitution worked well for me and this forum.  I substituted diet and exercise for the meds and used this forum as my aftercare support; both worked very well.

Good luck to you,

Guy

[newstart730]

Change of plans- tapering is not working for me, and I feel like I'm just prolonging the agony.  I moved my work schedule around, and tomorrow is quit day for me. I have stocked my house with food, vitamin supplements, OTC meds, and fluids to prep.  I will have 3 days off of work for sure, but I will probably have to work Wed. night.  I'm going to try to go to my 1st meeting tomorrow.  There is one nearby that meets on the beach, and I am going to do my best to get out of bed and make it there.  Day 1 is usually the worst physically for me, so we'll see but I think it would be a great way to start getting a step ahead of this monster.  I've made a list of positive things to do while going through wd's.  It seems like last time I felt so poorly that I couldn't make myself get out of bed enough, and that just made the depression worse.  If I am doing things, however small, I think it will help make the time go by quicker (I sincerely hope so, at least!!).  I'm also going to try to spend more time in the fresh air and sunshine to help my mood.  Even if it's just sunning myself in the backyard, I think it will make me feel better than lying in bed.  So, tomorrow is my first day of freedom.  I have to admit, I am quite scared of the physical pain, but I'm just trying to face it and get my life back.

[newstart730]

So, day 1, here I am again.  I'm not feeling great, but not feeling terrible yet.  Achy and tired, mostly.  In my previous detox, I found that day 1 and 2 were the worst for me, and it started to clear up after that.  Most say day 3 is the worst, but I guess we're all different.  There is a meeting in about an hour that I really want to make, but I've gotta manage to get out of bed first . .  .