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Falling apart!

Hey guys, I am going crazy here in rehab, the detox off of subpxone is a disaster! Only one week on it and them BAM I was it like a ton of bricks. My mind is not thinking clearly and is all over the. I get the deepest darkest thoughts going through my mind and and even think my my kids, how pathetic!! I feel like I am possessed by the devil, I am doing things that I would never do. Last night was the biggest challenge of my life, I have been complaining that the wd's are so bad so the Dr prescribed me tram!!!! Are u freaking kiddin me that was a drug I abused before and she knew that, good news I refused and fired her and asked for a knew dr. But the agony of knowing all I had to do was go ahead and get the tram just played mind games with me all freaking day!! Oh wait the day gets worse, so I'm in the nurses office in major WD and some guy said I have something to help you with that, guys he had heroin, never did anything but opiates so I said ok let's go. As he is burning it up on the tin foil my nose was right there, some higher power said NO Dana!! So NO I didnt it, all day all I kept thinking about was the tram and taking a hit of heroin!! It was the worst day of my life so I lost myself. I call a cab at 3 am and sneak out of rehab and head to airport, bought a tickets the flight wasn't until 6:30  am and I  am on no sleep and no meds and in heavy WD!!! Long story short hubby called the place and begged me to go back so I did it. I finally arrive back at rehab around 6:30 am and got stript searched and all that! I finally got meds I went to sleep. So the good news I   am back where I belong and I have to stop running. But when u are at your lowest of lowes you can't think about anthing racial!! So my goal is going to try my best to work the program and gett life back and beat this.. For all of you out there I admire your strength . The emotions are out control but I think I can do this I  am almost there but know I need much  to do. Thanks for letting me vent, I am just having a really difficult time:)
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Avatar universal
God, the detox sounds terrible.  I went cold turkey at home, it took about two weeks before I knew I wouldn't just projectile vomit with no warning.  I took Oxycontin (prescribed) for more than a few years.  I just realized it was enough, if you'll check out my original post you'll get the picture.  My worst side affect's would have to be restless leg and vomiting. But I came through.  I just knew it was time.  I personally would have been in total shock if someone in a "safe" place offered me heroin I'm glad you reported this low life. Anyway, I continue each day, I don't actually want the drug one bit but there is a big black hole I'm trying to fill inside me.  My spouse says I'm a space cadet but I'd rather say, I'm concentrating.  My children are 26 & 19 the 19 year old was on spring break during this when I thought it would be over by the time he got home.  It wasn't - my 26 year old is a teacher and getting married in June, she told me that she would not have left any baby with me the way I was when addicted.  What a shock but it reinforces the need and my 19 year old said he is proud of me..  Those two things alone make it worth every minute of pain and suffering.  Keep with it, if you need to stay in rehab to quit, stay there - you have no idea how much this group helps me every day. Jan
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Avatar universal
Your gonna have to take the lead on this for awhile. and both kf you need therapy together. it will all work out in rhe end. i know it will for you.
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Avatar universal
Hey dane .....Im sorry your having problems with hubby....must be in the air. mine tested me yesterday. he left his pills out. I called in a script i never picked up....but that changed our relationship. recovery is about you. your choices. finding self love. first you've got to do the therapy. find the tools you need. cause yes this is for life. just like any disease that is lifetime....diabetes. high blood pressure etc.

when you come home he will watch your every move. we violated trust. and that hurts. both you and him. but trust can be re earned. it takes time. your actions will speak volumes. he needs help too. either thru counseling or alonon ....something. don't expect him to understand right away.. this is alot for a person to take in. he's working thru processing addiction too. he's scared concerned....hurt. his emotions are flying around too. eventually he will come to terms with it. just give him time. we want to scream to the world.....were ok. we've got this. and we want our spouses to instantly get it....it doesn't work that way. it takes time to rebuild. can you rebuild a city in a day week or month after a tornadoe ripped it apart? you were sick for a long time. and it takes time to rebuild. your family is awaiting your homecoming...he misses you. he's scared too. he's been used to the sick dane. he's forgotten the healthy dane. he's scared honey. change is scarey.  hugs bama
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Avatar universal
Leaving rehab on Thursday! I completed my 30 days, but I am so nervous to face the family and friends that know. I am still not feeling good, I'm very anxious and not sleeping, my anxiety level is high more because of Mr.Dana, he is very upset about the lies we have been married for 18 years and this is a doozy for us, first the poor guy finds out I'm an addict Ugg I just hate that word, then that I lied, he just does not understand addiction at all. Yesterday he said I have been selfish and not thinking about my family and that just crushed me! Yes I guess it's the truth, I put those darn pills before everyone and everything, opiates are just the devil I swear:(  but at the end of the day I am the one who chose to take the pills and I am the one to blame here, but all this pressure is killing my insides.  All I can do is stay clean and show him by my actions.. (thanks Sara). But it's not that easy when I am stressed out over him, the pressure on us addicts is mind blowing to me. I know I can't use again or I will lose my family WOW, talk about pressure.... Does this ever end??
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1814148 tn?1332485798
I'm so proud of you Dane! You have embraced recovery with courage and dedication. You have come a long way in a short time. Happiness and gratitude will surround you, simply because you chose to own your addiction. Keep up the good work! I'm sending you heartfelt hugs. Let this Easter will be a special memory. As you think about the true meaning..the ransom sacrifice and the divine resurrection, don't forget that you too have made selfless sacrifices that have resulted in the ressurection of your inner truth and beauty. Congratulations babe! XO
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495284 tn?1333894042
COMMUNITY LEADER
Just as we are allowed to feel our pain and anger so is your husband.  You 2 will connect at a much better level now.  There wont be the lies and secrets.  Your actions will speak louder than words my friend~~Happy Easter Dane.  sara
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Avatar universal
Hey! You want me to come out for a visit?   HAHAHAHAHAHA

I'm proud of you too!  And try not to worry so much about Mr.Dana. He'll come around and he'll work through his anger. I'm sure he's mad at himself,also.

Have you heard from ImDONE at all?   I have not heard a word from her in well over a week!  I don't know whether to be mad or worried!
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Avatar universal
Hey all, Vicki, actually the friend that told was when I escaped rehab and she was so afraid so out of love and fear she told hubby he better find me and get me back to rehab:) so its all good there. I'm staying the 30 days so I leave on the 12th and scared and anxious at the same time to come home. The Wd's are finally over, I just can't sleep.  I am up every hour or so and keep looking at the darn clock, but I'll take this over those wd's any day. I am doing it guys!!!! Holy cow in the morning has this been a journey for me but I am seeing the other side and I am going to all my sessions and still getting my privates so I am feeling better about life. There is a distance between hubby and I and I am sad over that, he really doesn't understand the depth of addiction, and is mad at me for leaving this place and the lies , I don't blame him but the truth is out and no more secrets, the truth shall set you free, right? Thank you all so much for helping me do this and get this far I have to admit I am proud of myself for kicking this b1 tch!! And I will stay opiate free because I can never go through this pain again, it was physical mental anguish on me and my hubby.   After care is lined up and over here they are preparing me for home and triggers and all that jazz. Im soaking up all the info and going full force! Happy Easter to all enjoy your family as I am here alone in rehab ;(  
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Avatar universal
Well, that's a curious thing. Why didn't he say anything?  Was he waiting for the right time?  What was the point of it?  One lesson learned:You can't trust anyone!!

Hang in their Honey...
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1801781 tn?1461629469
In the end, it is good he got it out!  Less to bite you in the butt later, when you are not there and probably still fragile!  Now you can deal with it.  I bet it was hard for him to keep the secret and equally hard to tell it.  Sounds like a good man and a keeper!  The depression and anxiety does suck.  Keep on being real!!!
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Avatar universal
Hey all, thanks again for all the support!! Everything is not all roses today or yesterday for that matter, the lack of sleep , anxitey, and depression are really getting to me. The depression is the hardest right now, and I am so scared of what life is going to be like when I actually step out into the real world, opiate free! Today I got hit by a bus! One of the therapist and I called my hubby today and she explained some things to him like how im going to be when I get home and what he is feeling and then all the LIES came out!! A friend I confided in told him how many pills I was really taking, that I stole some from his mother, and that I passed out on the floor from to many, and hubby kept this All in until just now !!! Uggg it just ***** but all the lies and secrets are out of system as far as I can remember.. Lol so it's another day clean just not a happy few days. I   just can keep on peeling the onion and go from there and take in each day at a time , it's just so hard :(
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Avatar universal
MBQ
Wait let me explain to everyone what else I was on methadone, vicoprofen 12 a day, klonopin 2 mg. ! Wow I still cant believe I came off all that and am still walking and talking and frankly breathing. Keep up the good fight Dane74!
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Avatar universal
MBQ
I had the same experience coming off klonopin. I was an insane women. From four days into it to about week two in a well known top notch Chronic pain clinic. I halucInated for about three days straight . Lost my frickin ability to write and read (i was a journalism major in high . Got it back but I was absolutely nuts ! Walk alot drink a ton of water! And you are in the right place try to tay. Do the have an excercise program. Listening to ocean sounds on a cd really helped me! I will pray to the powers that be for you because you are me six years ago.
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Avatar universal
What a great analogy... from vhs to HD! I am so very, very happy for you and proud of you for sticking it out. It is daunting to hear that the only way out is through. Lol, I tried to go up, under, and around. Yet, once you get through there is nothing like it. Yup, there will always be things that will test you, but as you overcome one thing, you draw on that strength and are ready for the next one.

Take care of yourself and enjoy the HD! ;)
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Avatar universal
HI Dana great to see the turn around if you read threw this post you wouldent know you where talking to the same person it takes getting to the bottom to see the top sometime im so so happy for you now become a sponge and soak up all you can learn from rehab contue to peal the onion back......this will come with pain but will be freeing in the end I have been at it for almost 4yrs now and there is still layers
you got this one girl your going to make it because you get it your not living in denile anymore the truth sets us free good I wish you a great recovery good luck and God bless.......Gnarly
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1926359 tn?1331588139
Dana,

Hey girl you are doing awesome!  Honestly, it makes my heart glad to hear you speak about seeing life in HD!  You are exactly where your supposed to be, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically-I know it's been a freaking bumpy ride and it's far from over but you've given yourself the best gift ever-YOU.  I'm so proud of you!  The discovery of YOU is magical-no matter how trying it may be at times, it will always be worth it.  You are precious, treat yourself as such, this will make you stronger. Keep walking this brave path darlin', stay in the moment and give yourself a whole lotta love.

Sending big hugs...
Lu
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Avatar universal
My dear dear Dana....i have been praying for you. detoxing with you. and am on day 28. i was waiting for the turn as i call it. when you finally get a peice of peace. Im glad everything looks brighter and hd. i remember that day for me. it was the puffy clouds in the blue sky. That scared me...that whole ordeal.
remember to go slow and gentle with yourself. be kind to yourself. ok!! ok!!  your doing alot at once. resting all the chemicals un your body. learning to feel emotions again. all of them. thinking differently now. your learning who you are. this is your time to rediscover who you are.
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Avatar universal
Hey y'all it's the new and improved Dana here from rebab, I'm about 3 weeks into it now and wow I am finally feeling and seeing things clearly! I learned many things today that I would like to share first off I really hate the word "trigger", it sounds so evil I rather use the word activate and when an urge comes along take a deep breath think of ur lowest of lowes, as mine is that darn ticket that I will treasure becsaue I never want to go through all of this again. This is a journey for alll of us its hard YES so freakinf hard but achievable . Detox for was just aweful coming off sub and klonopin and Xanax , but now I   am off ALL meds expect my AD med and working on the root of why I used, why I wanted to escape, it's not just about the enjoyment of the high , it turns on you and fast and before u know ur life is a mess. Today I discoverd that the trees, flowers, grass, etc looks so much brighter and it made me think and I said out loud to myself holy sh1t i see life in HD!!'  bye bye VHS and hello bluejay!!!! Tomorrow is a new day and y'all this can be done but don't think the detox is the worst of it, you have to dig deep into your soul, body , and mind and find out why you are using that's when the real work comes in! It's like peeling the onion, I am at peace now over alllof of mt problems and let me tell you life off opiates feels so good! Fight people come on you can do it just put in work and before you know it's such a sense of relief .

Blessings
Dana
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Avatar universal
Whew!  That was a tough one and YOU DIDN'T FAIL!!!

Welcome to sober living!
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1801781 tn?1461629469
wish you could see my smile!  Ear to ear!  Proud of you for sticking it out!  
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Avatar universal
Hi Dane, you may not realize it now but that plane ticket may very well be a symbol for you of what this stuff can make you do, or make you think you want to do. You may even want to frame it and hang it in a place of importance to you. I am glad you are doing better and posting.

In my thoughts and prayers,

Minn
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1855076 tn?1337115303
Good for you!!!  I'm just about ready to make my final jump ... scared of the withdrawals but hoping they won't be too bad since I tapered so much.  Keep up the good work ... you made me want to be finally done!
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Avatar universal
Today is starting out to be a gift from God, the wd's are finally coming to be minimal and I'm in good spirits!  So far insurance has me approved until the 9th and 30 days would be the 12 so they are working on that for me. But I am working the program going to all my sessions paid extra to have 3 one on one a day and just enjoying life and taking a breathe of the fresh air! I see things clearly now, the sun the moon the stars everything creation! Dana is back in motion!!! I'm happy:))
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Avatar universal
Marycarmel, your so right pain does stink but I am so done with these pills and what I have become on them. I am finally starting to see the Dana I use to be years ago, clean and sober and smiling again! I look forward to learning my new life, it's going to take work and it's not going to be easy but the funny thing is that darn $1000 dollar plane ticket I bought when I reached rock bottom an escaped rehab, well I wil always keep that ticket as a reminder, becsaue that night scared the crap out of me and I couldn't get any lower than that other than death so if I ever I have desire to use again I will first take a deep breath and look at that ticket!!! It's a new day and I'm smiling and off to go to sessions all day. Finally I am seeing the light! Thank you all , I have learned so much from everyone on here and finally can say out loud "I CAN BEAT THIS DEMON!!! I'm am finally winning and right now I have the upper hand and I am taking control, aweee what an amazing feeling! I'm kicking that DEVILS a$$ !!!! Love and peace to alll, and just know anything is possible through Jesus  Christ! AMEN
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