Feeling Hopeless Today

[gmsmom29]

Day 12 with no percocet.  I feel until now I've been handling things "ok"...sure I have had my anxiety filled mornings but usually when I'm driving to work I start feeling at least a bit better.  Today I'm home with the kids and my hubby (snow) and I'm miserable.  I miss my old self and I am so terrified that I will never find her again.  I wish more than anything I could rewind a year and be that person I was.  Having the little things excite me...like playing in the snow and hot chocolate. Or thinking of fun things to do with the kids.  Instead I'm just a sitting here like a blob feeling bad for myself wondering what the heck is going on. I know it takes time.  I just feel hopeless.
I want to go talk to someone.  I used my insurance's site to look for psychiatrists, psychologists, and lisenced counselors.  None of them say what they specialize in and I'm sooo frustrated now bc I basically have to google each one's name to get info.  Today *****.

[bird546]

Just got home from my first meeting, well not my first one but first in many, many years. Ok..... Today I have felt awful all day, like I was going to lose my mind, and around 7 pm or so I started to make excuses to myself about how I may need a little more time. Ya know just rationalizing how I really need to stay home and hit a meeting tomorrow. Well I went, and it rocked. I mean it was fun, really fun. I have never met so many cool people, who for no reason whatsoever really want to help me. It's a bizarre world man. I was scared to death to walk into that room. The parking lot was full. I mean really full for the size of the building and we just got nailed by a winter storm in Atl. so nobody is out on the roads, nothing is open, I mean it's like a ghostown out here. But not at the AA meeting oh no, of course it's packed. So anyway I'm like great, so on top of that it's a meeting on step 6. WTF I don't even know what step 1 is man it was like walking Into a midterm and I didn't even have a book. On top of that EVERYBODY knew each other well... except for that is. Ok here is where it gets cool. There were alot of people there with tons of sobriety. Like 20 years plus, and they didn't care that I was a dope fiend as well as an alcoholic. Or that I just kinda sat there and shook most of the time. After the meeting 5 no kidding 5 older guys came over and sat down with me, and we just kinda talked for about 45 min. I didn't want to leave. I told them about y'all and the site, and how helpful it is. But that I needed to go to meetings as part of my recovery. They gave me a Big Book, and asked if I could do this 89 more times, I said heck yea. They seemed happy with my response. So I think I found my home group and several potential sponsors. Gotta say I feel so much better. Give it a shot, I can't really explain it, but it's good.
Bird

[BrotherFrankie]

it gets better. i promise

[Crys833]

Congrats on being clean! I'm on day 5 and it really *****. i'm losing hope....I felt like supermom on morphine for 3 months, it was the least stressed and happiest I had been for a long time. But....i'm married and i have 3 kids and I know that i can't stay on the pills forever, so I took a leap and quit. I just want this to end....being through 3 9 month pregnancies seemed so much easier than being 5 days clean right now. Stay positive don't give up hope that you won't feel like this forever, that is what I keep telling myself. You can do it!

[gmsmom29]

My first time quitting I posted on day 11.  I never made it past 3 weeks without relapsing.  I am determined this time to never go back.  My husband works 2 jobs and I have NO friends, so I probably could not do the 90 meetings in 90 days, maybe once or twice a week.  I DO want to see a counselor/therapist though.  Just someone to talk to.  I had to take a xanex today because I was just flipping out basically.  Crying, asking "how could you have done this" and I am TERRIFIED that one day I'll turn into an addict again.   But heck, then i tell myself I quit smoking after 12 years the day I found out I was pregnant, I've been through 3 labors and I am a STRONG person.  I think we just have to stay positive.  I get nervous posting that no one will respond, and when I get a response and know that I am not alone that really helps.  So thank you for responding.  

I also think it's the "winter blues"...snow storm after storm...if it were at least nice out i could take the kids out to play, do a house project, go for a walk, etc.

Tired of oxy - I was a REAL emotional mess days 1-3, then it subsided, and now it's back.  We're all here to listen .

things i've heard here that are helping are the sayings "one day at a time", and "this too shall pass..."

[bird546]

What the heck is it about day 12. Up till now I've been handling things ok. Yea the physical w/d's weren't easy, but it is possible to kinda just cowboy up and push thru them. This mental stuff ain't so easy to beat. I have already worked out, taken hot bath, taken suppliments etc. Done all I know to do. But I just can't seem to beat this overwhelming feeling of dread. Already found a meeting to go to tonight, it starts at 8. The roads are clear so I should be able to start the 90 in 90 thing, I have never felt so down. What the heck is happening? I know this part of the detox and it is all in my head. But it all seems so real, hope the meeting is good. It's interesting my 8 year old just  walked in and handed me a copy of Sun Tzu's The Art of War. He told me he couldn't really understand it. What the @:/$. I don't even remember giving it to him to read. So much for winning dad of the year. Who the heck gives a book like that to an 8 year old? I mean it's a cool book, but there is no way he could possibly never mind just rambling now. Good Luck hope ya feel better.
Bird

[tired_of_oxy]

I can relate. Today is just day 2 and I feel like I'm on an emotional rollercoaster. I know too that it takes time but man, that time...it's hard. Is there an addiction services place in your area. I know we have one near me that was able to help me out and give me names and numbers of counsellors who specialize in addiction. Maybe you can google something like addiction services then the name of your area and hopefully something will come up.

Just hang in there, I'm doing the same. I feel so empty and wonder if I'll ever be happy again. I know I will eventually but it's hard, You know what helped me a lot? Going to a meeting. I went last night and although I felt so sick when I walked in there, while I was there listening the wds didn;t seem so bad and I left feeling soooo much better. I can't recommend going enough. I met a girl who had a bad oxy habit and she's been clean a year. She gave me so much hope and encouragement. I still want to see a counsellor but that'll take time to set up and this was free and there's a meeting every night of the week and some during the day too. Give it a shot, I think you'll find it really helps. Stay strong, we'll get through this.