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Finally, breaking the habit....
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Finally, breaking the habit....

I decided since i have 9.5 5/500 vicodin left, that I need to quit finally, and forever. I have been a pill addict for a long time, over 5+ years.  I have gone through withdrawls many times, and the longest I have ever stayed clean is 3 months.  I just keep going back. I am married with a wonderful husband, and 4 beautiful boys, I have a wonderful job, and many friends. I know people say to tell your loved ones, so they can help support you, and help you, for many reasons, I can not do that.  I am weining myself off I started yesterday, I could already tell the difference from taking 8 to taking 5.  I can not keep living in this visious cycle!  IT changes me, I turn into someone I don't know, and everytime I am clean, even if its a week, I realize how much better I feel.  Why do I keep doing this to myself??? I am so much better then this addiction.  I am on this website doing this, so I have a support system, and can help keep myself on track.  I need to do this, I was doctor hoping a little over a year ago, and then I sobered up, then I ended up buying them, and just never stopped since.  I can only imagine the amount of money I was spent on them, It makes me sick.  I have hid how bad my addiction is to my husband, he doesn't know about all the extra money I have spent on these stupid pills!  And the people that mean the most to me are paying the ultimate price, my children. I cry just thinking about all the times I have snapped at them, yelled at them, and just have been plane mean to them.  They don't understand, and I think about what they will think of their childhood when they get older, if I keep doing this.  Don't get me wrong, my children want for nothing, money isn't the issue, being a healthy-happy mother, and wife is.  I really want to do this, I have to. I would be lying if I said I haven't said this before.  But this time, I truly want it more then anything I have ever wanted.  I HAVE to do this.  No turning back, no getting just one more, or one more week. This is it. I have to work during my withdrawls, no choice in the matter.  So i have to overcome my own demons, I fear the withdrawls, but I have to take that fear and destroy it, turn it into power and motivation.  I am going to do this. No more excuses. Day 1........
Anyone Know some great ways to make it to my job everyday, without having to sleep at my desk???
16 Comments Post a Comment
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4058337_tn?1351049753
Hi! Well I am in a similar boat. I have been using these pills on and off for about 8 years. I recently got 7 days under my belt then got weak. I about cried when I read what you wrote about snapping at your kids. Everyone who knows me always raves about what a good mother I am but deep down inside I feel horrible. I have snapped at them because of w/d's and I have even snapped at them when I was high. Sometimes when I would take the pills they would make me so jumpy that I couldn't even really have a conversation with my kids. I would have to be cleaning, being productive, never slowing down enough to really connect with them and enjoy them. Now I am on day #4 w/ no pills, the worst one yet, sitting on the couch with toys everwhere, no energy to clean just wanted so badly to feel better but at the same time knowing I did this to myself! I am like you in that I don't feel like I can tell anyone and HAVE to work. I love the idea of laying in a hospital being taken care of but that isn't going to happen. We are women, we are strong and we can do this!
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3120424_tn?1347173632
Hi Jen4Life :) sounds like you have a lot on your plate with a job and 4 kids...and I see that you had 3 months clean time at one point...that's great!

Willpower and motivation are great- but they can only get you so far. I used to think the same thing..."with my strength and determination, I will do this!" After countless failed attempts almost all addicts will tell you the only way to get, and STAY, clean is to get some type of aftercare/support other than just you and your head. Has it worked for you so far? I'm not being smart when I say this- I had to ask myself the same thing and I hated the answer but it was the truth! :)

Support can come in many forms...church, counseling, addiction specialists, NA/AA, etc.  I had to start somewhere. I decided to talk to an addiction specialist in private. Small steps. One of the best decisions I've made.

Imodium (immodium) worked great for getting through the workday...relieved bathroom issues (obviously) and helped with overall fatigue. I do not drink energy drinks, not even coffee, but I did take a sip or two of those 5 hr energy drinks here and there throughout the day during the acute stages...they did help fight fatigue. I know they are not for everyone I'm just sharing my experience.
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What kinds of support do you have? If you dint have any, are you willing to get some?
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Avatar_m_tn
I can sympathize with the work situation. It was really really tough for me. You will need those items listed in the Thomas recipe to help with the energy issues you will be facing. I was at work on day 2 and made it just on will power. Then day 3 hit, i had too take a sick day... could not do it! Day 4 i was back, then off again.

The more you keep moving the better... time passes much quicker. I remember laying on the bed just waiting for time to pass. I had to make myself move, then rest, then move again. I also had a cool towel at my desk and washed my face a whole bunch to make me snap out of it.

Im wishing you and your family all the best! Keep moving!
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4200034_tn?1351184553
Thank you for your words of wisdom I would love to have some kind of after care, but doing that is harder then it is for others. I live in a very small town, and there is nothing in the was of a outreach program, na, or counceling. So I have tried to find places before to go to, and have no luck. So this is something I truly have to do on my own. I am a person with enough strength to stay clean, my mistake was thinking once I had my 3 months under my belt, that I could control my intake, and say "just take it on the weekends". So not the case! I just can't take them at all. My husband use to be addicted to Meth and he just quit 1 day, got clean on his own, and never looked back, its been 8 years. He has been taking the pills with me, but to the extent I have. I broke down and told him last night, how bad I wanted to get clean. How awful I felt, but I was yelling at our children, he pulled me aside, and just by the look on his face I could see he knew something was wrong. I told him, I have to get clean, no more, not for fun, not for anything. I told him I needed to do this, I have become a monster. Now that he knows how desperate I am to get clean, he will support me in everyway he can. I already had someone letting me know they are getting a couple hundred today, if I want some. I think my mouth seriously watered! But I told them I was good, no need. But now I know she has them, and that is hard. I know I can just call her up, it will take all the pain away. Any tips of getting those people out of my head???
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4202953_tn?1377187106
It's so good that you told your husband! Having support is so important. Do this for yourself and for your kids and get through it! I'm only on Day 2 and the withdrawals are rough (I had to take a sick day today). I jumped from 50-80 mg of Percocet 10 a day and am not going back. I've been abusing heavily for about a year but have been taking them for a little over 3 years (since after my daughter was born). This is the first time I've been through withdrawals because I never really cared or really wanted to quit until now. You can do this because it sounds like you WANT to. You have the support of your husband so do it! Keep posting. Everyone here is so supportive and amazing.
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Avatar_f_tn
Hey Jen,
It must be a huge weight off telling your husband.  I feel you on the monster thing and snapping at innocent littles.  I realized today is the day I was suppose to have appointment with pain mgmt for refill.  It screwed with my head for a second but like you said, you feel so much better without them. Continue with your taper and you will be fine.
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4204073_tn?1361835076
Hi Jen,

I'm on day 6 today.  My story is so similar to yours.   I understand the guilt and frustration you are dealing with.  Good for you for taking this step.    I too have gotten myself clean and then relapsed thinking I could control it.  That is just not possible.  Once it is in your system, ANY amount will restart the addiction.  That is what I think about when I think about how I could just get some more, especially when I know they are readily available.  I tell myself that all I am going to do is prolong my misery and have to do this all over again.   I remind myself that at the end of each pill (even if it's just one) there is a crash.   I've gone a few days and thought, one won't hurt anything.   It will help me get past this moment of misery.  NOT TRUE!!   All it does is start the problem all over again.   All I know is that when my addiction takes over, I am not my true authentic self anymore.  Going through the w/d is no fun, but coming out on the other side is such a blessing.  I woke up today and actually felt like myself!   I hope this helps.  
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3120424_tn?1347173632
I know what you mean Jen! It's hard to know they are 'in reach.' Very tempting. When I really really wanted to stop, I had to trim the fat and say 'bye' to everyone of my 'friends' who were providing me with pills. To say it was so hard would be an understatement. I actually cried thinking about doing it. I wasn't mean about it.  I just told them I was getting clean. It cut like a knife deep inside because it raised the bar of accountability for me: not only was I admitting to myself and to others that I had a problem, but I shared my plan of kicking the pills- it just put me so much more 'out there.' Almost like- it made it real.

It's great that you told your husband! Keep looking for sources of support. I NEVER thought I'd see a therapist or go to a meeting (now I think- why?!) I just thought I so didn't need "all that." It's funny to me now. I was so wrong. Anyways, one day I was feeling really low and felt like I needed some support (other than my husband, who was, and still is, super supportive) but i wasn't ready to 'put it all out there yet) so I googled "addiction therapists" in my area and would you believe there was one two streets over from me?! (It's fairly 'country' where I live-- I was sooo surprised!)

I do understand you may not have many options where you live...sometimes that's just the way it goes...I'm just saying if you search around a little bit you may be surprised- I know I was!

Anyway best of luck kit and let us know how you're doing :)
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4200034_tn?1351184553
So today is my first true day, of having nothing. Which already *****. I'm tired, my body isn't aching yet, but I know that will come. I think the withdrawl (withdrawal) pain scares me more then anything else. I am so ready to do this, but I feel the excuses mounting knowing I HAVE to work tomorrow and Saturday, 430 am wake ups, and coming home to a house of children. I just don't know how I am gonna do this. I feel weak and plain stir crazy. I am trying to keep semi-busy, but keep thinking rest today, since I am working next couple days, and there will be no rest. Anyone have any advice?
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4204073_tn?1361835076
I know it's hard, but try, try, try to keep you thoughts focused on what a good thing you are doing for yourself.   I likened it to labor pains.  Each moment was leading me to a re-birth of my self.  I wanted my life back.  You can do this!!  You have tons of support here.  I have spent hours and hours on here daily to help me get through my self defeating thoughts.  The encouragement and stories here are amazing!!  
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1881798_tn?1339683833
Your decision to quit, and your strength to post is a great start. There will be ups and downs, don't focus on the bad too much. Hang in there and keep up updated. Best wishes.
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4216560_tn?1351212342
Hey Jen, I am 5 days clean. I am starting to feel better. I really don't even want to take one. I can tell you that there are some great people on here that offer undying support. I am also doing this without telling anyone. I don't think I could be doing this without this site. Post whenever you are feeling like you could use some support. Good Luck and Best Wishes!!
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4243567_tn?1351633028
Hey hun, we are all in the same boat and I agree, you must tell him but one other thing. He should not be using, its not good for you, but thats something you will have to work out. I am on day 3 of this rolle coaster and I feel your pain. I always do it cold turkey, because I cant taper, I am greedy, I take all of them if I have them. So I am by your side, stay strong and stay the course! peace and love Bugz
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Avatar_m_tn
same boat as you on a week...feeling happier but not gon lie miss the feeling but likie i always say i always think about the BAD WD /money n etc...
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Avatar_m_tn
Been on Vicodin 10/330 for a year now. I have a successfull job and beautiful family. I take 2 a day. I'm getting tired of taking them but they make me have energy and are a great stress management. I am a fit 36 year old that exercises regularly. Just really scared of the withdrawal.
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Avatar_m_tn
Hi Jen, you have recieved alot of good advice here., lot of supportive people that know how to help you and support you.. first thing i do is pray..(thats just me) then  i try to do something when thoughts of taking a pill pops up which is still every 2 hrs on the dot.. i exercise and do small things, lol i sweep alot its my way of moving and feeling productive at the same time.. music is good too, or a silly movie.. i am tapering myself down from 22 + pills a day oxy ,norco,xanax.. i managed to taper down to 6 oxy 30 mgs pills a day.. heres where it gets real.. picking a CT week and sticking to it.. if you are running out and or going CT right now awsome no pressure from me.. All of you are  in ,my prayers i know you can get this monkey off your back for good.. GBU Jen .. Aloha
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