Finally Sick and tired

[Pjtwenty]

Well I am at it again!  Recently had some dental work done that put me in a lot of pain which gave me a reason to get some more pills.  So here we go again after about 3 weeks taking about 4-6 hydro 7.5 I am without again and no doubt on the wd road.  Though I understand not as bad as it could be.  I am sitting here extremely pissed off at myself!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I cannot understand why I keep doing this!  I have so many things to be thankful for yet I keep pushing them to the back so I can slip into this pattern of not caring and "relaxing"  
How could someone that never touched a drug in his life have a problem in his thirties.  How does that happen?
I miss my old self, I miss my old life yet it has gotten so far out of reach I don't know how to get it back.  My wife knows I have a problem but not to the extent that I know I have a problem.  
I must say at this point I truly hate myself and I am completly disgusted with my actions.  I am SICK AND F'ING TIRED OF PLANNING MY DAY AROUND A LITTLE PILL THAT DOES NOTHING BUT LIE TO ME AND KEEPS ME FROM MOVING FORWARD IN LIFE!!!!!!!!
Sorry for the rant, but this is ridiculous.  I feel like I have hit a certain point I have never hit before of anger and determination to get me back and say F you to the pills.
Now I get to go through some wd, oh boy can't wait for that.
Thanks for listening.  

[rt35630]

When I was younger I thought NA was a cop-out. At 48 (I started using as an adult, too) I have learned after affairs with several medications that if I don't replace the drug with something positive, I'll just do it again. I try something new seeking one that won't get me in trouble. Garly is right. The drugs are not the problem, I am the problem. Anyway, I've started NA and I am thankful. I'm tapering off my latest DOC so I can't fully participate, but talking to folks before and after is really helpful. Only you can figure out what works for you. NA is a big committment, but hey, if it saves your life and sanity...
God be with you -Randy

[gnarly_1]

HI......sounds like you been here a few times....when you finely realize it not the pills that is the problem it is addiction you can start to treat the problem until you reach that point it will be a mery go round of using ,not using ,using not using addiction is a desiese it is treatable
its the very way we think that needs to  be fixed if it was as simple as quiting the pills there would be no use for this web site....but addiction goes much deeper aftercare is essential to getting well....both N/A and A/A offer free programs if that does not suit you there are addiction therapist and conslors out there....I use both N/A and a conslor to stay clean
you will learn the skills and tools of how to live a clean and sober lifestyle it beats doing this over and over...we will be here for you wile you detox to support you and encourage you along the way.....everybody says its ez getting clean but it takes some work to stay that way please plug in somewhere after your detox it will make a world of difference good luck and God bless......Gnarly