For Addicted Moms

For us "mom-addicts" on here, I wanted to say something. I got hooked on vicodin 13 years ago, after my first baby was born and I took it ever since. Today, by the grace of God, meetings, and this website, I'm 99 days without using.
I have read so many posts about how pills became the only way for us moms to "keep going" and "get everything done." We have so many tasks, deadlines, pressures and responsibilities. Who wouldn't want a boost? Well, here's the deal. We have not cheated the system at all. We've cheated ourselves. Of health, and peace, and worst of all - natural energy, the very thing we think we're taking the pills for.
Last night I had several "mom" things to get done. I was excited to do them (except maybe the laundry) but I was out of steam. My husband was away on a work trip, so I had less pressure on that score.
You wouldn't believe the dialogue in my brain! I was talking myself into using vicodin like you wouldn't believe!! I was even in a hurry to try and find some. In a hurry! One second I was rationalizing how much more productive I'd be if I just took "one" and the next second I'd hear Mary Poppins saying, "Keep your guard up."
For some reason, I sat down and was distracted. Thank you Lord. By the time I got up, I was just a little bit stronger and just a little bit more convinced that using was the dumbest idea I've ever had.
Now I need you to know, I have been through some killer cravings to get to day 99. So, I already knew that I had permission to DO NOTHING around the house if that was going to put me back on pills.
I spent the first month of recovery doing nothing when I was tempted to take pills. No housework, no laundry, no cooking. Drove my husband crazy. But I told him why.
And ya know, I got through it. By about day 50 my energy started coming back. I found myself vacuuming the house. Preparing meals AND having energy to do it. Naturally.
If it is too much for you - don't do it! Don't clean the cat box. Don't walk the dog. Don't visit grandma. Don't cook the cupcakes. Because all of these things just do not rank higher than you staying clean.
Oh please, please learn this lesson moms! That means me!!!

[dominosarah]

Lindsay, this is a very good post and so very true.  Life can be very overwhelming when you have a family and you do have to prioritize what is important.  Sounds like you did just that.  Way to go!!!

I did have to giggle a bit, just the thought of Mary Poppins sitting on one of your shoulders did it!!

Guard Up girl~~~~~sara

[Lindsay_T]

LOL, Mary Poppins! Thanks for your encouragement. And pounding that phrase in.

[dominosarah]

That phrase was pounded into me by a very good friend of mine on here.  He doesnt post all that much so i have taken it upon myself to be his voice!!!

[DarkEyedCreature]

Thank you so much for your post. I just had twins 9 months ago, and they had me on meds during my pregnancy, some after, and now I just haven't kicked it. I am about to go cold turkey & I am terrified about caring for my twins through this. I also have a 9 year old w/ autism. My stress is through the roof & I just don't know how I'm going to pull it off -- but I am determined. If it was just me, I wouldn't be worried. No, husband can't take off work for this & I have no other outside help. So, yeah... after this hell, I'm bound to come out of this even stronger.

[livngr8ful]

As a husband it would be 100 and 5% supported... Mom's are the top's.. My wife and mom are my favorite people, I just had to put them in front of me.  Without them the world isnt as good.  Take care we need you to just be mom.. All else is just movement. With love... take care. With out you, compassion and understanding may not be possible.

[yamaha1]

I'm on day 4... just beginning.  That's what I've been thinking about tonight! I've always had my "mother's little helper".  I would pop a pill 1st thing in the morning, then throughout the day, but especially before I pick my kids up from daycare, go to cook supper. I am really scared about having to "deal " with my kids "alone" (without my helper).  Seriously, it;s been a total crutch! I had to take a pill at the first sign of stress. I was super mom on those things! I've been doing ok the past couple of days, but I certainly haven't felt like playing with the kids or anything, like I did when i had the vics. How am I going to want to play with them anymore, clean, cook, etc?  

[Regretful239]

That voice telling you, "how am I going to want to play with them anymore, clean, cook, etc.?" is only your addiction talking. Everybody has those times where they think "how will I be able to do anything without pills", or even think there is no life without pills. Remember, billions of people are functioning sober, that's including addicts that were once asking themselves the same questions you're asking. You created a person inside of you, carried him/her, gave birth (the worst pain you could ever go through), and have been taking care of that baby ever since..... I think you're A LOT stronger than you think you are

[feohmoon]

It is always great to read an inspirational post and congratulations to you on achieving such a milestone...that is wonderful.  You are so right on about feeling the need to be superwoman/supermom and pills can easily become a crutch.  When I first started using opiates, I accomplished so much and I was very efficient and thorough...but after use turned to addiction, it seemed to have a reverse effect on me and resulted in my becoming some lazy person that I did not know or like.  Once that happened, I no longer could rationalize taking a pill to be productive because that was no longer the case.  Of course, that did not make the addiction any easier but it certainly made me realize just how much I missed the real me.
Good luck to all and we all need to realize that the house does not have to be perfect, we do not have to be perfect - we just take care of ourselves and our children without adding any additional pressure.
Again, way to go on your clean time -
Peace

[Back_2_life]

I really needed to hear this tonight. Tommorow I'm going into see the doctor and I'm going to ask him to help me get off pills. I have been having thoughts like this all day, the "how am I going to.." but really the truth is the pills don't do what they used to and like feohmoon said in fact the pills I once relied on for energy to keep up with the demands of motherhood  no longer give me that energetic euphoric rush. I want to be around for many years to come for my kids and see them grow through sober eyes and not have foggy memories of these most precious years. Tommorow I will take a big step and do something to free myself from these things finally!

[feohmoon]

That is great and you know that you will get plenty of encouragement and support right here, as well as an outlet - a place to vent and express your feelings...for me, that is the most therapeudic and everyone can empathize with what you are going through.
Best of luck to you and I am glad you decided to take that step, it is not an easy one to take.  It will be awesome to be free and out from under the 'haze' of pills.
If you are interested, I wrote a variation of the Thomas Recipe (it is in my journals) using only natural remedies, herbs, vitamins, etc. that will help offset some of the pain and discomfort associated with wihdrawals.
Peace

[gnarly_1]

HI Lindsay.....congrats on 99 days....and great post....you have to learn to let go and let God
especially early on in sobriety its like this for everyone not just moms...I live in the historical district here in phoenix...my house is 60yrs old and there is an endless amount of work
to keep it up and running painting to do faucets to fix drains to clear appliance to fix
+ I do all my own auto work on 2 older vehicles...30 days after my detox I had a major job on a car needed a new cilenderhead ...it was the first time in 31yrs of know my wife that I had to say...'''honey I just cant do it'' it was part from how awful I felt from detoxing and part that I was breaking more things then I was taking off...just a job from he!!....we let the car go
it wasn't worth risking my sobriety over and I new I was at my limits...its important that we dont put unrealistic expectations on our selfs wile where in early recover to me thats the first 90 days...we learn to pace our selfs be happy when we get things done and lean to let go when we dont...the world will not come crashing in if something dosent get done theres always tomorrow everyone just needs to remember there in recovery and its a process one that takes time.again...great post Lindsay good luck and God bless....Gnarly        

[wantthissobad]

Thank you so much for your post, I have been on suboxone for 2 years due to a 2year vicodin addition. I'm jumping off the sub in a few days and all I keep thinking about is my daughters birthday in a couple weeks and the holidays what am I going to be this withdrawing mother who can't do anything cause she got herself in this mess of pills. That's is what I'm always worried about will I be in a good mood will I be a happy person will I still get happy. I'm so scared I just want to be normal again. I sometimes look at people and think I bet she doesn't have to take a pill to be happy why do I?

[mountianMama642]

Thank you for directing this out to all of us Moms out here. It makes me feel stronger and know that I can make myself get thru this - just from reading your post.

I've played this detox game with myself many times and have ALWAYS come up with a reason why it wasn'y gonna work that time = Kids are teething, my period is coming, family is coming to town.  Today I sat down and realized that I've been rationalizing myself in to this mess for over 4 years! come on - I know I'm a stronger woman that that!

So this week, when my husband was leaving town to go work, and asked me if I was all set with meds...I said yes. Knowing that I wasn't Knowing that if hes here to save me from the pain of detoxing,,,then I can't say that I did it. (Some how it made sense on sunday night! By wednesday I was in kind of a panic!) I donno maybe some of you Moms will understand that alone I feel weak....but when my kids need me I step up and become SuperMom.  And I shouldn't need a pill to do that!  But somehow I felt that if I had NO CHOICE but to keep getting up to take my son to school, and I had to give them dinner and baths...cause I'm home alone,,,and I keep tapering and taking the clonidine (slowly so I don't get too dizzy!)  ... Some how I feel stronger this time.

And I just told my husband.  Its Friday, and I didn't tell him all week that I've been doing this. (And by the way, I'm going from 5/6 30mg Oxy a day to 7/8 10mg norco to....2 norco a day!)  And I've got till Sunday. Till he comes home. I didn't tell him cause he's been taking all of these pills for a long and had detoxed several times and knows that it can hurt, quite a lot. And he'll want to save me from that pain. He'll come home early -- or fed ex me meds... we've both done this before! But I just feel like you've drained yourself pyhsically and emotionally...and you push just a little harder..... Then maybe I won't have to have these hard weeks anymore. I can go back to raising my kids, and washing the laundry, and what-ever-the-hell I do with myself on a day to day basis. But with out pill counting, and rearranging dr. appts, and calling on friends who's phone numbers should not reside in my cell phone! And just get on with it!!  

Thanks Ladies. I can't tell you know much all of this venting and understanding means to me!

[momandaddict]

And to all the other ladies who have posted... I realize it's been awhile since this thread was active, but I'm glad it was here for me when I needed it!  Haven't had Vicodin in a week and I'm doing okay, tapered to Tramadol, then nothing.  Still taking some Xanax or something or other at night to help me sleep a few hours, but otherwise I'm doing okay.  Yesterday I felt happy a couple of times- like actually, truly happy- in a way I was afraid that I could never feel again without the pills.  And I think my natural Energy is coming back, just slooooowly.  I have four kids, three little ones under three- a three year old about to turn four nd one year old twins and the vicodin have been my "little helper" to get things done for awhile.  Thanks, everyone, for your posts- your stories have helped me so much to not feel so alone.

[StuckANDscared]

Hi everyone...my fiance and I will start trying to have a baby as soon as were married next summer.  MY MAIN MOTIVATION for getting off these pills is thinking about being a good, present, Mother.  My own Mom was supermom, but had an underlying, functioning, in-the-closet alcohol problem.  She was the best Mom anyone could ask for, but at night...she would just go hide and drink...hiding behing mouthwash and mints.  She kicked it years ago, but died in 2010 due to another unrelated issue.  I don't want to be battling an addiction while being a Mother...I don't wanna be battling an addiction now...but especially not when I have another little one's life in my hands.  I've gone thru withdrawals alone, with 0 responsibility...I couldn't imagine having to care for children while going through that Hell.  Congrats to you on your 99 days...what am amazing thing!

For those struggling...one word...CLONIDINE helped me soooo much!  If the Devil created these pills, then God Almighty Himself created Clonidine.  Takes 80% of the hell away...everyone is different...but for me...it's a lifesaver.  It's the only way I've been able to get past Day 1 of withdrawals.  

My plan: I'm on a slow taper and feel no discomfort.  Other than the occasionaly craving to use a large amount, no WD symptoms whatsoever.  I know once I stop, that will change...but I've always done half *** tapers or cold turkey...so with all the willpower in my body I am going to complete this slow taper AS DIRECTED...haha...there's a word we all ignore, right?...and I know things will be better soon.  

[littlebit010101]

oh my goodness too funny.....as directed.....hang in there sounds like you know what your doing stuck and scared....best wishes.....

[Tricia4243]

Thank you so much for sharing your story.  I can totally relate. I have been using pills pretty constantly for over two years and the mental part of this addiction is crazy.  I have 3 kids, twin sons who are 16 and suffer from a progressive neuro-muscular disease and they will be undergoing their third surgery in Jan. We lost their dad last year to cancer, 4 mo. after returning from Iraq. I also have an 8 year old daughter who at the present time doesn't have the disease. I do have a lot of energy on the pills and I, like you, tell myself using allows me to get done the tons of things I need to take care of everyday.  I know this is a lie but I have reached the point where I am worried about my health.  I take 20-30 pills a day.  I have been weaning down and intend to start going through withdrawal in the next couple days.  For me, my spiritual life has everything to do with my success. I have overcome a terrible gambling addiction and I have also been sober 8 out of the past 11 years-relapsing a few times.  Living on borrowed time and it's time to get down to business.  You are all in my prayers.