For any newcomers, and for oldcomers

[manonfire]

It is a daunting process to get this far in your desire to change your life. I've been coming here since February. On march 3rd I had my last actiq. (Oral transmucosal Fentanyl) I am switched to Transdermal patch 25mcgs of Fentanyl. I was offered by the doc to go to 100's. I refused. I want to be on the least amount of drug possible. I am taking it for cancer pain. My cancer has turned for the worse, and I was medicating my depression with Actiq. Now I still feel depressed, and the w/d's of dropping that much in my fentanyl dosage were nasty. I lost 30 lbs in about 2 weeks. I am getting to my point here, there is a lot of plain old BS in most of the posts here. I have found some solid posters along my way. Sterling_silver had a great helpful link. Scottquit021707 always has good things to add, and some great information. Beachtowel has good info that is sometimes hard to hear, but it is always true. Bowhunter is also a valuable no BS poster. Superglyde when he was on here was also very helpful. If you want good info look for these posters. That is my point. If you want to distract yourself with the weird soap-opera that is going on here, go for it. It is entertaining, but try not to get sucked in. Getting sucked in is just like using dope, it distracts you from your real problem. Addiction. Thank you, that was my deep thought for today. I hope it helps! PS: There are more good posters than this, I hope no offense to Creek, Ladysundown, yoda, fladdict, oxybliss, and any other I might have forgot. I'm getting old a feeble-minded.

[Sick to Death]

Very, very well said.
Sick to Death, day 5 from morphine

[oxysbliss]

I MADE THE LIST , I MADE THE LIST

Jk.....What can I say...Im terribly bored......and have too much on my mind...with nothing that could create a straight thought...

lol

Hi..How you doing? I miss some of hte old members here......I miss having something productive to do yet here I sit...doing nothing...lol

[LadySundown]

You forgot me, buddy. lol   Really, you're a great inspiration to me and one of the most intelligent people on this forum.
Hugs.....LS

[oxysbliss]

Hi, how you doing?
Its beena  while since Ive seen a post from you, however that isnt due to you..that mostly due to me..not really beign here....anywyas, I just wanted to touch base and say ehllo, hope all is well with you

[FLaddict]

You are great... glad to see you post.. I miss hearing from you.. off to work I go.. see you tonight after 8 ish..

[manonfire]

There you are! Look back up there and read it again! You are on my list. I should have left you off as punishment for not answering my emails! Go check your mailbox!

Oxy, if you want some productivity today, go read that post by Sterling_Silver. Google Healing Back Pain, John Sarno. Make sure you read pg 2 or 3 I think it was called Cat Paw Yoga or some such site, but it has a lot more info to get you thinking, and it's free. Have fun!

Enjoy the snow, eh!

[CATUF]

I am sorry to hear that your cancer has turned for the worse.  I am in awe of people like you who are faced with serious health issues and other problems that make my single problem of addiction seem almost trivial.  

It is also very inspiring to me that you have the strength of character to want to get and stay clean despite something like cancer that has turned for the worse.  I suppose it might give one the feeling when faced with such a thing that life is just too precious to waste any of it being impaired and/or a slave to a drug.  That makes sense to me intellectually.

To be honest, however, that's not how it feels.  Even though I think I'm doing well in my Recovery, the thought of something like what you're going through brings forth feelings that THEN it would be OK to use, THEN it would be justified, THEN . . . . . . . .  I know that's not true, that it's just "the disease talking . . . ."  

This has helped me to write about this.  I had these "well, THEN it would be OK to use" thoughts from time-to-time during my Recovery in connection with the thought of what if X, Y or Z really bad thing happened.  I just realized, however, that I had not mentioned such thoughts to anyone.  Instead, I had simply reasoned them out and convinced myself that given X, Y or Z, I wouldn't really want to use and that using would be exactly the wrong thing to do.

While seeing the lie of the addiction is a good thing, failing to talk about it (keeping it secret) is a bad thing.  I just realized as I was typing this post that by keeping that feeling secret, I had allowed addiction to keep a small toe-hold in my life of which I wasn't even aware.  Almost like I had handed it a key to be tried (maybe successfully?) at some point.  Not now or even anytime in the foreseeable future, but on some distant *someday* which at the moment seems too far away to be real, but which in fact could be tomorrow.  

Thank you.

[singha]

good luck you are in my prayers.

[athena-8]

Thanks for the post. nice to "meet" you and know a little about your situation. Best of luck to you. I recall your nickname (who wouldn't!) but not much more.

Funny, I DID notice that when I was reading the drama posts, (even when i knew darn well--from the nicknames--that most of the msgs. would be drama rather than recovery-related) I'd get a "charge" similar to that of popping a pill. Interesting. I had to make myself stop reading them. Also an intersting observation that came up for me around this: In my life, I have noticed I often have an odd  "need" sometimes to hop on board w/controversy. any controversy. lucky for me i stayed out of what was going on here. many posters did, i noticed. For me, I think, it's like, hey this is a life or death thing here for me, and I'm not going to waste my time. I'm a relative newcomer to the site (a little less than a week). And from what it sounds like, this is bound to happen every now and then--the price we pay for the "freedom" such resources (eg. unfacilitated web forums) provide. it can be a blessing and a curse. There are many who have helped me, though, but can't recall all of them; it gets quite confusing for me as my short-term memory is shot. will try to look for posts from you and your friends in the future.

best regards,
--Athena

  

[addictedtoloratab]

OMG, Hon, You have always been one of my favorite posters, but, I had no idea about your story.  I did not know that you had cancer.  I know that you are a cop, are you still working???  I feel so bad, I think you are such a hero since you have cancer and are getting off the meds.  That would be my sure ticket to taking anything I want.  You are a awesome person, I know that you have given me some solid advice in the past and I miss your post.  You are in my prayers.  People like you are the reason that we have idols.  Keep thinking positive so you can beat this battle.  One more person praying for you is not going to hurt so I am going to start today... Huggs, G

[athena-8]

you made me laugh so hard when i read your "I MADE THE LIST, I MADE THE LIST!" comment. i love that kind of humor--the humor that taps into everyone's humanility I suppose. thanks for the chuckle.

[oxysbliss]

Your quite welcome..

Always looking for a good chuckle...they come and go lol...

Glad to have put a smile on someones face today

[manonfire]

Thanks for your post. These are good things to think about. I forget who posted about wanting and almost needing to get into the drama, but that was good too. I am not immune from chasing around a meaningless thread on here trying to forget why I came in the 1st place. Thanks for the prayers, I'll take those always. I didn't want to get anyone to feel bad for me, I actually can't stand that. I am just one person out of many who have to fight cancer. I have many faults and am not strong. I am weak, but I'm working at it. I know that feelings of self-pity and being depressed just make things worse for me. That was what was so fascinating about John Sarno's books. Most of the pain I'm feeling is caused by my brain. It is a fascinating concept. My brain causes my back/neck to ache terribly. It causes my guts to heave. Maybe the pains of withdrawl are there to take your mind off of the unacceptable feeling I am having which is the loss of my escape- Drugs. So then my brain causes my stomach to feel sick, then I can focus on that. I am still noodling the whole thing around, but I think I am starting to figure some of this out. Anyway, sorry to ramble. I'll post when my thoughts are clearer. Thanks for "outing" me G! Try not to do that anymore, ok? Makes it harder on me. Still love you!

Manonfire

[athena-8]

i don't suffer from chronic pain, but i have noticed many at this site do. it seems to me, though, what you said in your last post is valuable info for people in pain who feel like they have explored all solution possibilities for their situation yet still feel like they're at a dead end. i'm glad you posted that and i hope others read it too, although it is sometimes hard to find these little nuggets of wisdom when they are at the bottom of a long series of questions and responses.

[Yoda99]

Wow, what a post.
(And I'm glad I made the list too.)
Love ya,
Yodes

[lil_rab2005]

I really didn't realize what I was sayin before about sellin the pills.  It was so stupid of me.  I've been so depressed ever since ya'll pointed it out because pathetically I didn't realize that that was exactly how I got hooked was friends sellin' to me after I got chronic pain and was perscribed them legally.  When I ran out, friends would sell them to me.  And that's exactly what I would've been doing. Ugh, I feel so bad about even thinking that.  I'm really sorry to all of you and thank you from the bottom of my heart for being honest and bashing me about it.  Take care and god bless u all Lil.

[dyblue]

SAME TO YOU I SHOULD HAVE JUST LEFT IT ALONE YOU SOUND LIKE A REAL NICE PERSON SO I'M SORRY YOU WOULDN'T HAVE SOLD THEM ANYWAYSBEING WHO YOU ARE.  WE JUST DO AND SAY THINGS WE SHOULDN'T  i'm quilty of that .  peace to you.

[Marce4]

As I said before, you always have something worthwhile and inspirational to say.....Thanks Manonfire....you really are awesome!
Marcie

[lil_rab2005]

Thank you so much for posting back to me.  You don't know how much better that made me feel.  I felt awful for writing and even thinking that.  Peace to you and have a wonderful and restful nite.  Take care, Lil.