Frustrated, anxious and depressed!! Grr!

[beenthere125]

I woke up feeling fine this morning...still doing okay...but having a hard time cutting down to less than 5 pills at a time. I took a nap and woke up feeling frustrated and I have sooo much anxiety I feel like popping 12 of the f@ckers! I have no patience for ANYTHING at the moment and the weather here is miserable on top of everything else. I had a moment of weakness and ended up taking 4 more and now I'm kinda mad at myself. And the worst part? I don't really feel all that much better...kinda worse! Grr! So...what do I do? I take a clonazepam (anti-anxiety) that my mom had given me. Now, I'm not addicted to those and never have been...but why do I always feel the need to have a 'quick fix'?? Problem is I am unemployed...spending all my time looking for work and the rest of my time stressing about money. I owe out over $3000 that I've borrowed from family members just to keep a roof over my head and food in my belly...but I've never been in this bad a place financially and I'm just not dealing too well. I've been a collection officer for 6 years...so I'm used to collecting money from people who are late on their bills...but I'm not used to getting those kind of calls. It's taken over an hour for me to finish writing this (I have my neice here and been busy with her in between writing)...and I actually feel a bit better now. I just need to find a better way of dealing with stress and anxiety. I guess it's one of our biggest demons eh? Just another excuse to pop some pills. Anyway...I do feel better...and I'll be sure to only take 5 later and I'm hoping that I'll have the strength to cut down to 4 tomorrow. I am at this point where I am in a constant battle with myself...why is it sooo damn hard to stop taking these retarded pills??? I've been taking 5 for the last 3 days...I should have dropped down more than that by now. Grr! Anyway...I just needed to rant a bit and I'll keep you's posted on how everything is going. Sometimes it nice to just be able to share what I'm going through with those that have been there.

Thanks for reading this! All the best to everyone fighting similar battles. :)

beenthere125

[beenthere125]

lol...yeah...I'm getting there. I've essentially decided that regardless of what happens...I'm not buying anymore after this bottle. I bought 100 last Tuesday and I'm happy to say that I still have plenty left...so I feel good about that. Before, I'd be lucky if 200 lasted me more than 2 days!! Yeah...pretty insane! I've tapered before with success and I'm confident that I can do it again. Problem that I'm having right now is that I'm going through the worst depression of my life and anxiety is so high! Right before I decided to quit...I was at my worst. I spent most of my time wishing I could get really truly f@cked up! I would've loved to get some speed or coke and actually had dreams about people giving me some. Kinda glad I was broke...'cause I might be dealing with a whole different addiction right now. I've gotten past that point (kinda). I still think about it a lot...but it's getting better. Tylenol doesn't really get me high anymore and my concern was that I was about to take a turn for the worse. I really wish I'd never tried speed last year...'cause now that's what I crave when I feel at my wits end.
Anyway...so far so good and I'm just gonna keep my chin up and tell myself it's gonna be okay. I truly believe in the power of positive thinking...life is what you make it...so I plan on making mine a great one.
Thanks for the response. :)

[worried878]

I am glad you are feeling better...what is your plan?  Are you going to CT eventually after tapering?  If you have been at 5 pills a day for a while...u could probably jump off of them ....just a thought if u are planning on quitting without suboxone...keep posting

[beenthere125]

Thanks for the support yesterday. :)
Today's been much better and feel like I'm back on track again. I just hate these mood swings!! lol! I'm finally getting things that I've put off forever accomplished and that's really helping with the anxiety. It's like I've been living under a rock ever since this addiction took over. I've neglected so many important things and it's gotten to a point where it just all seems so overwhelming...but alas...I'm getting there. Amazing how these addictions really do consume you...I feel like I've been sick everyday for years...why did I ever start this??? Anyway...I'm on the right road and finally feel like I can rejoin the living. lol!
Anyhow...thanks again folks for your kind words and all the support. Nice to know that I have people that I can talk to when I feel overwhelmed and beaten down by all this.
Funny how sometimes all we need is someone to say a simple 'Yeah...I understand what you're going through'.
Thanks again,
Melanie :)

[Marce4]

Hi....I'm sorry you are having a bad day....we've all had plenty of them!  Tapering doesn't seem to be working for you....is there another option for you.  I know Suboxone is expensive and not sure of your ins situation.  You may be a candidate for c/t....that is the only way I could do this.  I'll bet you are a much more empathetic collection officer now!  I've had my share of those calls in the past. Some are very pushy and others are much kinder!

So sorry for your misfortune but you know the pills are only making things that much worse for you.  You are the only one that can make the decision to get clean and do it now.  Since you are unemployed, maybe this is the time to take advantage of the situation and get yourself clean when you don't have to worry about taking time from work.  It may seem hopeless, but you will find your inner strength and get this done!

My prayers to you and I hope you have a better evening!
Peace,
Marcie

[beenthere125]

Thanks folks. I gotta run out...but I'll check back in soon. :)

[mimi1313]

Hey, we all did that. Tapering is hard. Just cry and get it out. It does get better.

[corey411]

Hi, Im new to this site. Im on day 4 wd from 8-12 Vics. Feelin better today. My biggest problem over the passed 6 years has been relapse. I've stayed clean for 2-3mos before and started using again despite that I was actually feeling good. I know the disapointment of taking more....again. Don't be too hard on yourself and keep fighting. You can shake this thing. You want to or you wauldnt be here. Corey

[beenthere125]

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!! I just needed to hear from someone...anyone! I know the pills are just a mask for all the emotions...but damn I wish I could just get REALLY high and forget everything. It's just a REALLY bad day. I'm sitting here crying for no damn reason!! Grr!

[mimi1313]

I'm so sorry that no one answered. Sometimes it just gets slow. Believe me I've had those days. You just want to smack someone just to get the agression out. Kidding (sort of) (:

I can relate on the money thing as well. Divorced and got screwed. I'm here if you need to vent.

[Flutterby111]

I'm right there with you except I'm off of the pills....aren't they just the cause and solution to all of life's problems?  I battle anxiety and depression because of the pills....it's the leftover emotional mess they left me with.  I crave them still, but I know I would just start over and the end result would be the same if not worse....keep your chin up ....don't mask the stress and pain with the pills...the bills will still be there when your high comes down!  Turn that frown upside down-ok, that was super cheese.

[beenthere125]

*sigh*
This is not a good day!! Ah well...guess no one's around.
I was really needing some to talk to!  :(

[beenthere125]

I know I just posted...but with my anxiety...I'm going crazy. Anyone here that I can talk to?????