GREAT!!!!

Well I tell ya what I am trying to taper and all it seems as if life is doing is throwing my lemons guess it's up to me to make lemonade right? I know I have the choice of not to open up my mouth insert my pills and swallow, but Im so very sick of the struggle I don't care, I can t support my family on what I have , im behind on bills and this job even though out of my element would have helped temporaily. But apparently I don't fit in, not to sound bitter or high on myself caue I ain't at all I aint  but its a san francisco and they wanted us to dress up in costumes and show off well my first day I show up im the tiniest woman and they all looked at me with hate and omg , im not like that and then to top it off my former boss hired her friends and they are very huge women now wait im not like that I dont care what size  ya are its just why judge me and say I don't fit in not very good explanation, Im trying hard to take deep breathes and crossing fingers for this interview tomorrow, now my hubby who got hired will have another thing to hold over me and of course the women love him lmao... Im mad as heck right now but in my heart I didnt do nothing wrong and so be it , I dont fit in ...lol.... ;he is at the job now, hmmmm can only imagine what he will say to me when he gets home..looking like im single again and he got me in such a finacial binde not even funny... looking at the bottle looking great let me tell ya.................

[mentalmary]

slow down there amity...ok so lets get the story straight first ...what are your doing at this job?.....is your hubby working at the same place?....would your husband really throw it in your face that he got a job?...has he already done this?...does he know what you are going through?

[dominosarah]

You have that job interview tomorrow so i wish you all the best.  For some reason not known to you or anyone else this job just wasnt meant to be.  Usually when this sort of thing happens it is a blessing in disguise.

That bottle of pills will do NOTHING for you except to make you feel worse.  Do the instructions say take when life hands you lemons??  No it doesnt.  The only way you are going to get a grip on the things happening in your life is to learn to deal with them head on.  Numbing yourself up wont cut it.  Your husband can only hold this over your head if you give him that power.  Time for you to take the power back and get your life back on track.  You have it in you.  Dont settle for just existing........sara

[amity_76]

lol and ty i need to slow down, sorry just so upset right now . He knows exactly what I am going thru one minute he is very supportive and then the next minute I'm a horrible person that cares about my pills more , not true. I didnt exactley wake up one day and say gee I wanna get lupus and get wired to my pain meds... I got hired for retail sales, never really done that Im great with people, im a 1st yr nurse elderly care, group home work. So I was excited, he got hired for set up in store. Yes he would ABSOLUTLEY THROW THIS AT ME, he is very cruel these days when most times its my employment that gets us thru. I come here for support cause I can be me, with no judgement and even though Im all over the map i really want off the meds but i already took too many .. great ...sorry if im a mess ...feel bad cause this ain't me

[amity_76]

Just read your post and your right, now I feel so guilty why did I allow myself to swallow omg ... I am better then this

[amity_76]

lmaooooooooo...omg ur too funny and ty....

[skins21]

Inbox cheeca

[LeaAnn807]

Hi!  Maybe you need to have a little time away from hubby???  He doesn't really seem to be helping you.  I'm no marriage counselor, but I have to ask if you think you will be able to recover from this while being married to someone so cruel??  Only you can answer that......

[amity_76]

ty your absolutely right I cant do both... and something for  me to think of.. thank you

[skins21]

No prob, I hate people like that n for people like u that just come here to spew don't need to be told what to do...was gonna say how to post but went w/the rythm

[dominosarah]

You may be all over the map which is only normal where you are at right now but i have to say this, you are honest and that is appreciated.  You never fail if you keep trying amity.  sara

[amity_76]

ty sarah I mean it really even though I swallowed to many you still are very caring really means a lot and that you both don't judge me for being all over the map , now can u please pass me some kleneex , im crying xoxo

[dominosarah]

How many did you take?

[amity_76]

well first before I tell ya I must tell ya my tolerance is very high and its like im immune to them, been on them now for 1yr, 8 so far, percocets...dammmmmmmmm... but im honest and you asked

[dominosarah]

Please dont take anymore amity.   I dont care how high your tolerance is, that is alot of pills to take.  You cant keep doing this.  I am worried about you.  Have you been taking this many everyday?  

[janet19]

I know how cruel a husband can be. My husband has been an *** this week too. When we argue, he can say the cruelest things. I don't know if you are like me, but do you think about bad things that could hurt him deeply, but hold back so you are not as cruel as him. My husband brings up the drug thing also, every time we argue. If I mention I think I need to go to doctor he explodes and says it is just to get pills and that I am a hypochondriac. I probably am that, but lately over the past yr I worry about dying.

I was beginning to believe my husband was the only true cruel  husband. He is not all the time, and he tries to support me. Is that sort of what you husband is like?

Don't worry about being all over the place, I am still all over the place just asked sarah and I have been clean since April. I am up, down, sideways, backward, forwards and even awkward positions. You have admitted the first important thing and accepted the fact that you are an addict.You are here vent all you want and get some good ideas how to accomplish that.

[janet19]

One more thing what did you mean by dress up in costumes and show off? I am taking it also that your husband was hired at the same retail store that is maybe just opening that is why you are talking about set-up?

[gnarly_1]

HI Amity......well your still coming here reaching out for help thats a good thing....as for eating 8 pills at a time I was a binge user also so it was nothing for me to take 8 a time
im not bragging im just telling you there is hope...if you want to taper try the envelope idea put only what your going to take for that day in the envelope and gust start scaling back on your use...b/4 thats going to work though your going to have to get past using them for emotional pain....it wont work if you go running to the bottle every time something goes wrong in your life....I know you want help or you wouldn't be here...we can show you the way but your going to have to put in the work to get there...will be here to support you and encourage you and wile doing this that is priceless ....at least it was for me...like Sara says
as long as you dont give up and keep trying you havent failed...Amity you got to want it bad...so bad your willing to do what ever its going to take to break free...I know deep down you do you just need to dig down to that girl inside and make it happen
your not the first we have seen struggle like this but with a little help and support you can and will break free of this....keep posting for support we all want to see you succeed good luck and God bless.....Gnarly.....btw we dont give up on people here    

[amity_76]

janet i am so like you I think of horrible things to say to him but I won't cause 2 wrongs dont make it right and I dont want to stoop to his level. I too at 34 worry about dying and i have worked around death most of my life ya think I would be ok with, there are times when I knock on heavens door and just want the F**K out ... I want to be clean but I aint and look i took I have already swallowed 8 pills ....like omg... my head is tingling....so be it!!!!!

Sarah thanks I wil try not to ,,,,, but I need to go out and take this after noon take care of some bills that aren't mine and be broke all over again, don't wanna feel, lost my job for no good reason,but to answer ur ? yes I can take up to  16 a day , lately i have been really cutting down but today is a major set back ...........hmmmmmmmmm

[amity_76]

janet it is a retail store San Franscico store, and gnarly ty, i only got my script on monday and i got rid of 20, that 20 i wouldnt be swallowing and so not much left now... and maybe I will try the envelope thing , your right I have to dig deep down cause I dont want this no more, loosing it all, but most important is I know if I keep this up I WILL DIE...

[LeaAnn807]

Listen, the thing about the cruelty....I have never thought that anyone deserved that!  When you are trying to stop the drugs, you don't need someone throwing it in your face constantly and being mean.  Recovery is not easy even when all other conditions are good, but you NEED to be honest with yourself here.  Your pill taking is a symptom of something else.  Like...you're miserable at home, right?  It will be SO hard to do this if you are going to stay with him.  I'm not wanting to be the bearer of bad news, but it's true!

I'm sorry you are going through this!

[dominosarah]

My concern is that you have been cutting down and then bam, you hit it hard.  I dont want you knocking on heavens door as sometimes with this addiction the door will actually open......I want you to be safe.

[Addict63]

The oxy is one thing, it's the acetaminophen that eventually gets your liver. It sneaks up on you sooner or later. Our livers don't know what to do with all of that acetaminophen! They don't really make perc to be very user friendly for very long. I was on vicodin. I hated the constipation, high BP, flush hot skin, and I hated coming down. REALLY hated that. What goes up, must come down sooner or later. If we don't decide to come down, our livers will do the deciding for us, eventually. We love you. Why? Because there's a little bit of you in all of us. We'd love to see you get better.

[dominosarah]

Using is only a symptom of what is actually going on with you.  You have a ton of emotional baggage that needs to be addressed.

[janet19]

1 pill is to many and 1,000 never enough. Remember this that next time you stick your fingers in the pill jar.

I just started something Monday. I am taking at least a few hrs a day and put my addiction issues on the back burner and do something I enjoy. Sometimes I find I am just dwelling on my addiction way to much and I can't breath. It is helping a little. Another thing I think would help well for me is to be more on a scheduled plan for the day. That way maybe I will not put myself in the wrong position a certain time of day. I want to cut down on the things that set up my triggers. I don't work I lost my job because of my drug use. I have too  much free time on my hands to think and thinking stresses me out worse and when I stress I want to use. I have found 2 things that have definitely been triggers for me especially i the last yr.  I know you have kids, but is there anyway that you can find time to take out of the day for yourself and be alone relax and be you. Maybe find something that you used to be interested in and work on that or do that. Eventually you will find something that works for you and always remember "just for today" I will not use.

[amity_76]

Tram you are so right , as I type I'm on egg shells he should be rolling in sometime soon just to bragg how i got canned from a job that hasn't even started and how great he is .. and how much they love him and what a waste of skin I am, omg.... I know I will need to leave him , he is very mean, and im in tears, im sick of being a kicking post for someone, and in the meantime loosing my battle with life..... were did I go? will I ever be found?

Sarah you are an incredible woman, your support is so much appricated , and I know your right one day . bam it will be over and I will die young, not what I want, just dont want this no more sarah...

addict ty your right, i work in health care and i know this...what am I doing and y do I do this to my self

[mentalmary]

ok before i say a word i am just trying to help...verbal abuse is just as bad as physical ...??ask yourself why you dont say bad things back to him???is it because you dont want to hurt him cause you love him...are you scared of what he might do?? then ask yourself why he doesnt feel the same way...i was in an abusive realationship for 10 years and i tried everything to be what he wanted and it never worked..he was always hateful...if you have done something so wrong it constitutes speaking to you like your feelings mean nothing then why is he still with ya??...i REALLY hate to hear that anyone could be living with that constant poke..poke.poke...boom...

[dominosarah]

Why do you do this?  Your an addict and you are running from your problems.  They wont go away.  Reach out and get the help you deserve.  Stand up and fight for you, dont let others bring you down.  I would love LOVE to be sitting in your house when your hubby comes home.  I could give him a piece of my mind and i would do it dominosarah style~~~~

[mentalmary]

can i get a big amen....AMEN!!!!

[skins21]

I finished cheeka

[janet19]

I think you are absolutely right in what you say about leaving mentalmary. Harder said then done though.

Amity it is like she says. No one deserves to be treated like ****. Getting away from the stress of a bad marriage could be a big weight off your shoulders. This is only a suggestion and you are the only one to decide what is right for you. I am in that same situation and I should take my own advice.

Have you every asked him when he is not pissed, not putting you down if he really feels that way about you or if it is just anger. Me I think my husband thinks those things all the time or he wouldn't say them.

[LeaAnn807]

Kick a$$ sara!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Man, I love her.  Wish I had her around during my first marriage....vicki too!  I wouldn't have taken it for as long as I did!

Anyway, back to the subject. I'm all about saving marriages when possible, especially when little kids are involved.  BUT.....there is NEVER an excuse for abuse of any kind.  Like I said, WD and recovery are hard under near perfect conditions.  It takes everything in you to do it.  Your emotions will be raw enough without some jerk giving you a hard time.  

Don't let ANYONE, ever treat you badly.  Regardless of the circumstances.  Is there somewhere you can stay?  Parents?  Siblings?  I just want you to concentrate on YOU and getting better for now.  Deal with him later!  You will be more capable later.  Now is not the time.  It IS the time for you to get started with your new healthy life!  All the way around!

I'm cheering for you!  Nothing is impossible.  You CAN do this!!!!!  : )

[janet19]

What others say and suggestions they have doesn't mean that you have to get divorced to get clean. They are suggestions and they ultimately we are not the ones that will make the decision.

Make a list things good about your husband, one bad about your husband. Then make another list about what you think marriage should be then go back through that list and see if your husband has fulfilled any of those things. I think it would be a good way to sort out a few things. Have you ever thought about marriage counseling? If you love your husband and still want your marrigage to work it might help.You just need to do something to find away to cope with your life so that you can get clean and stay sober. We all know that is our primary goal, but we also know we all have to do it in a way that works for us. We just want to help you find that way. There is a lot of support out here for you.

Something else I have not ever heard you talk about. Does your husband use any type of drugs that he could also be an addict? If he is not an addict like you, then he may  not be understanding why you can't just stop taking your pills. He might try to seek out a Alanon meeting. Education on addiction may help him understand what you are up against.

[amity_76]

thinking i will go to this job interview tomorrow and if my start date if i get hired is down the road then im going to detox, want a new life and detox with medical help and be done with this ... sick fo the med train and chasing the dragon, so much in my system now and im weak and fed up, THANK YOU TO YOU ALL, LOTS OF FOOD FOR THOUGHT AND I JUST NEED A PLACE TO GO, I GOT A GREAT GF SHE CAN LOOK AFTER MY KIDS IF I DECIDE TO GO TO A DETOX, DONT THINK I CAN DO THIS AT HOME, AS I CAN WALK OUT THE DOOR AND BUY AND TAKING TOO MANY PILLS IS NOT GOOD FOR ME NOMORE....

[mentalmary]

so what if your new job wants you to start the very next day...are ya gonna try it again at home?....whatever you think is best for you then i will support you(i know you dont know me but i mean every word)...and i mean whatever you REALLY think is best......i think some may have been confused about my earlier statement ..but i never suggested leaving your husband just step out out of yourself for a second and taking a hard look at whats really going on...and im not letting you off easy :) cause im doing this at home...and its horrible ..but i know it wont last forever and when its over...watch out world... i got faith that you will make the right choice for yourself...and if your not healthy how can you stick around for those babies...if ya need to talk im here

[skins21]

Another one cheeka

[Punkinhead75]

I'm not saying that your husbands behavior is acceptable, however it is worth trying to understand.  My wife is an alkie, addict and is bi-polar.  She would be up one minute then off the wall the next.  Flipping out over the smallest thing.  I used to be fairly mellow(going back 18yrs).  Eventually I started taking a lot of her swings personally.  That would cause me to get upset and angry and hurt.  Over time I got to the point where I had a hard dealing with her mood swings along with her binges.  I would drink to bury the anxiety and anger.  After while (yrs later) I was drinking and drugging heavily.  Addiction was running the show by now. Both our shows were being run by our own addictions and selfish behavior.  Being concerned only with what we were getting out of our relationship instead of what we could give.  We could not have a conversation without blowing up at each other.  Once we got cleaned up we cleared away a lot of the past and forgave each other,  however it was still hard for us to talk without the same old FU"s and cursing coming out of our mouths.  It was weird how we always said the same things.  It has taken quite a bit of time but we are able to talk and enjoy each other.  Sure , we sometimes still go at it.  We have learned to admit we are wrong and apologize.

The point I'm trying to make is that we are not the only sick ones in the house.  Our behavior can trigger bad behavior in others.  If my wife comes home and is "off the map" I have to work hard at not feeding into it. These are skills you man may not have yet. It took awhile for my wife to not see me as a raging drunk.  I was a raging drunk for so long that seeing me that way is a habit for her.  Just because we are ready to change doesn't mean the others around us can see us change.  Especially if we are still going "off the map" and using.

Keep coming and keep trying.  Give the pills to a neighbor.  Get some aftercare.  NA mtgs are FREE!!!!!  When I learned how to be calm during a storm then others around me could be calm too.  Thanks for sharing.

[Punkinhead75]

In a post under "I just don't know anymore"  sept 20  11:05pm  you said you would give your pills to a friend.  How come you still have your pills?  Accepting responsibility for my addiction and taking right action is job #1.  Nobody came to my house and dragged me to a mtg.  I had to get up and go.  Nobody came to me and explained how live a better life.  I had raise my hand and ask questions.  Sobriety, serenity and happiness didn't just fall into my lap.  I had to work for them.  I'm keeping you in my prayers and wishing the very best for you and your family.  God Bless!!!!!

[amity_76]

I tried that but im to over powering I guess , got the name of a good addictions Doctor here and am calling tomorrow right after my job interview, I really do want on the right track , it just isn't all bout pills its what is happening here at home, not so good, I know I effect others behaviours but when one doesnt let ya have freinds wants total control over your life, it is bad, thats abuse, he will never change , but I can , and I won't tolerate this around my children there mine, he is not the father. He is cruel with names not just to me but to my girl too, so enough is enough and yup i be sick when i do come off but won't last forever, cause I dont really feel that well now.....way to over board today, and its gonna take all i have to pull my *** outta bed tomorrow morning, I tried talking to husband I have reached out today got a great number and still ain't good enuff but ya wanna hear something funny, he wants me to buy him weed lmao....well no more Im gonna get healthy and gonna be strong, got my truck impounded, done lots wrong not that im an angel it takes 2, but i have never been this way , so he does bring out the worst in me, he thinks i am the only one with the problem and I aint . Like i said used to be full of life , then i became a prisoner to him and to myself NO MORE....TAKING IT ALL BACK....he packed his grocery bag of clothes thats all he brought into this marriage and left , I be ok... sad but will survive after all my kids rely on me and i need to get well...........just as the pills are poison to me so is he

[Punkinhead75]

Hi amity,  Sounds like a lot more than what I went through.  Do what you gotta do girl.  Please take care of yourself and those kids.  Glad you got a doctors number,  don't forget to call it!!!! LOL!!  You know I'm gonna ask you about it later.  He he he!!!!  A support network is also a good thing to have.  Please keep sharing and letting us know how you're doing.  :)

[amity_76]

LOL, yes I will tell you, and it really means a lot that you would ask me later it seems as the more support I get from here the more I know i can do this, and this place has made me open my eyes to what also may be triggering my pill addiction, I can no longer mask my emotional pain, I need my life I need me, cause without myself no one will benifit, so first things first is me , gonna get on the detox train, gonna never forget my gross feeling from this upcoming detox , gonna get me a job, gonna raise my kids to the best of what I can, thanks to him Im loosing my couches tables and t.v.. but so be it, he didnt pay bill and guess what I aint, I pay for everything else i dont even know how I am going to get my truck out of inpound , but gotta let go and let god, cause one thing at a time, i do have a great friend here and she is backing me all the way, if by a miracle I land this job, I will tell them I cant start for a week, then im going to take the week and detox and move on. much love and respect to everyone who has cared enough to post back to me xoxo

[cantfly]

u go girl, stay strong and soar like an eagle. best wishes 4 the job.

[amity_76]

lol ty mister,,,, have a good one cheers

[dominosarah]

Let us know how the interview goes.  NO PILLS okay??

[mentalmary]

i just gotta share this..i left my abusive ex of ten years ..he was attacking me i ran out the door in my bloody ripped clothes...i went to the police they said they would arrest me too...its called a 24 hour cool off period..so i just left leaving everything even my car (got it back a month later).....i had no clothes nothing i rented a room for 350 a month and slept on the floor ..got clothes from family and charity  ...and i can remember laying on the floor at night relieved ..because noone was gonna come in and abuse me in any way ever again.......my point is  the fact that you have stood up for yourself has got to feel good even ....if you dont have a couch right now .hehe  :}   you will get another