GUILT issues @ 34 months clean?

Ok this sounds crazy that all this time has gone by and I still have these guilt issues but I do...I'm hoping to find someone out there that maybe could relate and we could help one another....My daughter was 16 months old when I started using (again after being clean 2 years) then she grow up in my addiction with me.... when she was 5 I tried to get clean (once again) and was clean maybe 6 months.... then I left her with my mother.....she lived with my mother until she was 8 and now is 9 (I was clean some of that time but my mother wanted to be sure I was going to stay clean) The thing is ...I feel sooooo damn guilty for all of that and it affects the way I am raising her... it's almost like she know and feeds off my guilt.  I also have 2 step children who went though the same thing (left with there grandma until there dad got out of a program ect) and now we all live together and we now have a baby together.....

I feel so bad for all these kids having to suffer for our addictions.... But it is eatting at me BAD lately and I was just wondering how olther parents frelt or deal with that horriable GUILT .... I have 34 months clean and don't want my guilt to get the better of me

Thank you for your time I know...I can go on and on :-)
Susan

[codeinewife]

You know, I feel compelled to write.  I am not a parent or an addict, but I come from a really dysfunctional home.  I have spent my entire adult life trying to "grow up".  Which I think is what most codependents do.  So, try to teach your children good boundaries, self-respect, etc.  Teach them how to correct mistakes, even if they are big ones (like your addiction).  They are mistakes, they are whatever they are but you are doing your best.  A friend of mine once said something, and I truly believe children know this.  If you try 100% of the time, it doesn't matter all that much if you fail 95% of the time.  The key is, your kids know when you're trying 100% of the time to be the Dad/Mom you should be.  You don't have to be perfect, they need to know they don't have to be perfect.  But, if you only try 95% of the time, and fail 10% of the time, they know that, and you're better off not being so perfect, trying more, etc.  Get my point?  Also unconditional love, and listen to them and respect them, but give them boundaries to feel safe!  Consistency is a key!  I didn't have it, and as an adult I have to try every day to have it, and I need it because real life requires some sort of consistency, at least most of the time.  Good job on being clean, don't knock yourself out.  I'm not saying it's great, but you're obviously doing the best you can, so keep on doing it, keep on trying 100% of the time, don't worry about the failure rate right now.  You can keep working on it!  

[mshell62]

No, girl, I wont fail at this.  This is the first time I have been addicted to Vic and the first and last time I will get clean.   I will stay clean.  

You are absolutely correct regarding being consistent with the children.  I have a 17 yr old daughter and 9 yr old son/10 yr old stepson.  I have to be very honest with them.  They are very smart.  It is very important that they see "mom is not perfect. .. she makes mistakes too.

Please see below the real reason I am getting clean and staying clean.  I just last night finally had the fortitude to put this experience in writing.  I just cut/pasted it for you to read.  And by the way, if you are compelled to write,  then write... It is very therapeutic.


JOURNAL ENTRY
"I have held back in telling this experience.  Only a couple of you know.  It has been too painful to relay until now.  I truly tell it in hopes that some will benefit from it.

December 12 - less than a month ago, we found my beloved sister dead in her apartment.  

She was only two yrs older than me - she was 47.  She was a beautiful, beautiful woman.  She was my best friend.  I could tell her ANYTHING.  

She had gotten Rheumatoid arthritis at 34 yrs old.  She got on steroids, and every pain medication you can think of.  The last pain med she got on was Tramadol.  I hadnt even heard of tramadol.  We (my parents/other siblings) knew she had an addiction problem.  We had talked to her about it in the past.  We had encouraged her to go to rehab, which she did, hating every minute of it, but she did it last year.

She was a divorced, single mom.  Her then 19 yr old son moved out last year.  She lived for this fella.  I dont think she ever got over him leaving home.. .something that was bound to happen one day.

I watched as her one beautiful body/face/hands became more and more deformed from the arthritis.  She loathed what she saw in the mirror.  She would do good for a while and then start taking the pain meds more than she was supposed to.

She knew I was addicted to Vicodin and Valium.  We would share.  oooh .. this is getting hard.  

We all live in the same town, and mom called me on that monday before the 12th and said she was worried my sister was "at it again".  I had talked to her and knew she was sounding desperate again.

I started looking up information on tramadol, and drug abuse.  I started making a document of this information to share with her.  I wanted to tell her I was going to taper off my junk.  Maybe we could do it together.

I never got a chance to get it to her.   We talked VERY often.  But, Wednesday when I called her she didnt answer.  Not a huge surprise, because her "clock" was SO off, she'd sleep all day and be awake all night.

Thursday at 6:30 pm, mom called me from her apt. saying her and dad were there, and my sister wasnt answering the door.    Mom was already crying.  We just knew.  I threw some clothes on to go over to her apartment.  Mom had hung up and then called back screaming.

Dad had to go around to the back of her apartment and break the glass to get inside.  He found her slouched over sitting at the kitchen table.  Gone.  Mom got a chance to just sit with her before the police came.  By the time I got there, they wouldnt let me in to see my sister.  I just wanted to hold her poor little hand one more time.

Tramadol killed her.  Her inability to stay away from it.  Her inability to cope with life.  

I will not allow a drug to do this to my family through me ever again.  

As the coroner wheeled her body (in a body bag, mind you) by me and my mom, brother,  I just stood in shock.  Could I have helped her more?  

I cry for her EVERY day.  I miss her terribly.  Yes, I am glad she is not suffering over there anymore.  I want to call her and tell her something only to remember she's gone.

Please, take this experience and think about what it would do to your loved ones, friends, family, your PETS, whoever.. for you to be gone.  Because "we chose to cover over life's realities with pills".  

I wont do this to my parents or to my children.  

I wont do this to myself.

[codeinewife]

Honestly mshell62  - you sound like one heck of a lady!  I have tears for you.  I cannot imagine what you and and your family feel, and I cannot begin to imagine what your sister went through.  I hope she is with all of you, and you can learn from her.  I want you, and me, and everyone else to be healthy and happy.  I want that more than I can say.  Life is hard, but if we don't deal with it as it comes up, it bites us in the you-know-what.  I'm not saying that's all addiction is, but unresolved issues certainly are an added incentive, from what I've seen, to numb life.  I send you hugs, support and anything else you need to succeed in your goals!  I want you to be happy and healthy.  And, even though I've never met you, I don't need to, you are an incredible person, you are so worth knowing and liking and loving, remember that!  You are worth EVERYTHING!  And, if you're worth everything, just imagine the blessings your children will receive!  Be good to yourself!  I'm sorry for your loss, more than I can say.  

[mshell62]

Take care of YOURSELF.   Thanks for the kind words.... they mean alot.  

Love yourself and don't EVER let anyone disrespect your or use you.

Gonna turn in - (I work nights)..
So nice to meet you and we will chat again!

[bmc1976]

You should have no guilt at all! You knew you had a problem and did what was best for the children. Most people keep their secret addiction hidden and tell no one. You had enough love and compassion to leave your kids in what you thought to be a better place at the time being your mother's house. That is what many of us she have or should probably do. That shows how much you love your children. You did what was right, for them and for you. And look at yourself now, 34 months clean. I think you did exactly what you should have done. Don't feel guilty, be proud of what you did. You were looking out for your children and that shows how much love for them you have.

[wait2long]

i am a mother of 3 boys, and an addict. i too have guilt, my guilt is over any lasting effects this may have on my boys. although they were too young to know or understand about me and my husbands addiction, they knew something was wrong. i see no effects from it now, but what about when they are older, will they know then? will they remember?  i wont know until we get there, and all i can do is hope they dont follow in our footsteps. my biggest fear!
i also came from a very dysfunctional family..so as a child i had no stability, no boundries and was in and out of fostercare.
i have raised my children with totally different standards than i had growing up as a child, so i am hoping this will pay off. they have had standards, boundaries and are with us all the time, we spend all of our time with our boys. are we perfect? a definite no, but we put in 110% into our family and do our best 110% of the time. and that is all we can do to try to make up for that "lost time" we had while they were younger.
a lot of my guilt also comes from the fact that i did this to myself, knowingly and willingly, not caring about the consequences until it was too late...selfishness on my part as a mother and an addict...
so i understand exactly how you feel...and i still have a long road ahead of me, its only just begun...