So - my wife says you all may be able to help me. Been trying to get off oxycontin - today is 14th day. Can't sleep - *****. Started drinking a bit this weekend. Hate that b/c I don't really drink. Been taking extra vitamins - tried a few sleeping pills. All ***** - no help.
My DOC was codeine so I don't know about oxycontin,what I do know is many people end up swapping addictions,you really need to get through this without using other mind altering substances such as alcohol.keep talking on here about how your feeling and more people with oxycontin knowledge will reply ,,they will be able to give you some tips on how to cope without using alcohol.Good Luck and stay positive
If your at day 14, don't even have thoughts of giving up. Sure, you don't feel the best right now, but your well on your way to being free of them. Your in for another week of insomnia and lack of energy, but do your best to get out, maybe take some walks, anything physical to wear yourself out some....Vitamins will help too. Especially B-12...Don't talk yourself out of it now. Spend some more time reading in here. Thjere are people in all stages of oxy withdraw,,some only a couple days ,some a week, some 2 weeks and more..Please don't throw these clean days away..Just add to them...David
wow... it's your 14th with no sleeping at all ? you must be biting your nails by now....
ok, sleep is really a problem when detoxing...if you have tried a few sleeping pills without any good results, don't know what to say.... i would have advised to you to follow a daily " regimen " here like this one.... before going to sleep a good magnessium chelated+calcium supplement ( in your case, a high dose) plus potassium ( or bananas, potassium rich food), a long hot bath with epsom salts and then melatonin ( 10 mg) and valerian root... i have read here about Alteril ( Ltryptophan+melatonin). Everything is OTC and non addictive, something very important for us.
good luck, Jason :) and stay here posting, getting support from others going through the same is really therapeutic.
Hey man try Advil PM, it has the same active ingr. as most OTC sleep aids. Those OTC sleep aids were like tic tacs to me.(didnt do ****!) Also try exercise about an hour before bed. Ive been taking the advil then walking my dog, and jog the last 1/8 mile home. I've been sleeping fairly well.Im on day 16 hydro/oxy. Also i've been taking melotonin...dont know if its doing anything because i started it the same time as the advil. I think the exercise helps me the most...Hope this helps.. Congrats on 2 weeks!!
Hey, thanks a lot. I will try these things. Ya know, thinking back over the past month, I have no idea why I ended up telling my wife about the drugs I've been doing - the money I've been spending behind her back. She's ticked at me all the time now and between that and feeling like **** - well - you catch my drift.
Ok, here's what I really do/did. Oxy 80's - 3 or 4 a day for about a year and a half. When I couldn't get my hands on them - I would take anything - demeral, hydro, - name it - whatever was in my family member's cabinets - I stole them. I know - I'm a jerk. Also, I inject testosterone a few times a week. (I've actually started doing that more the past 2 weeks. I THOUGHT it would help me with feeling so tired. Not working. My wife says I have become a mean cuss to her and the kids. I don't know. Also, my mom takes ativan for anxiety - I've been taking them too - stealing them - trying to get some sleep. They haven't helped either. Going to go to the pharmacy and get some of the OTC stuff you all mentioned. Ya know - when I was actually taking oxycontin, I slept all the time - it was great. My wife and I work a lot and we have a lot of kids so we are pretty busy - but to not be able to sleep and have to keep doing our regular stuff - well, its hard. My wife has picked up a lot of the slack for me and, actually, she is getting better about it - accepting without judging - a little better. I figure it has to be b/c of you folks on here. Believe me, this is not something she is going to talk about with her girlfriends at the club. lol
We are fairly well off financially - so I could hide the money fairly easily. That was actually the easy part. But, heck man, I was spending over a thousand a week on drugs. If not more.
Anyway, my relationship with my wife is strained - to say the least. I feel like she looks at me like I am one of the kids now. That *****. She does keep her thoughts to herself - honestly, I think she is still in shock. She says it is like I was - I don't know - like cheating on her or something. wow
Funny - you folks talked about me not giving up - funny funny - b/c I've thought about it every single minute of every single day. I'm thinking - my life ***** now - why the hell did I ever tell my wife????? Don't know to this day why I did it. I mean, obviously, I know it is bad for me, my family, my finances, my marriage etc. etc. but - heck - this almost seems worse.
And, another thing - the people I was buying from - man, they are still calling me - every day. I don't answer my cell. I guess I have to tell them not to call but - ya know - that voice tells me not to burn my bridges with them.
Off to the store - going to buy some sleep aid stuff.
Glad you guys are out there. My wife told me to come on here - so, here I am. She actually went to an alanon meeting yesterday - I think. She is taking this a lot harder than I thought she would.
Another thing - she is scheduled to have a surgery in about 2 weeks. I know - they are going to load her up with pain meds to come home with. She wants to cancel it now b/c she really doesn't trust me. Shoot - I don't trust me.
Bad place. But, I am glad I got this far. Those first two days were hell! Really man - I've never been so sick.
Be back later.
P.S. Oh, and about the nonsleeping - I didn't sleep AT ALL for about 2 days - then and up until now - I can catch an hour here and there. My parents pretty much are enablers so I tend to go over there b/c my wife - well, she is definately not an enabler. She can run my family and my business and her own career with her eyes closed - no clue how she does it.
im on day 20 and sleeping has been a nightmare for me....so i feel your pain....im avg about 3 hours a night...ive tried sleeping pill.....tonin..the root......nitquil.....even took an ambien....yeah it made me tired but not sleepy.
my energy level is a lot better then it was on say day 10-12 but the lack of sleep is really taking its toll on me......i got back in the gym did some pretty heavy lifting tired me out....but i was going in the morning maybe i should try evenings.
im up to about 4-5 and im out of bed by ten.....i am not gettting good sleep in those hours either cuz i keep waking up.
im not craving the drug at allllllllll.......and i am never going to take it again as long as i live....but alls i keep thinking is one good night sleep.
then i just think about what it did to my life my body my mind my family my friends....and to that i say its worth a few hours of sleep lost
Burn those bridges...TRUST ME! You dont need that extra devil calling you,it just makes it all that much harder. I just flat out changed my #.(I know me though).
I Know how you feel about wishing you wouldn't have told your wife..My fiance (8yrs together) is PI$$ED!! I quit for 11days last year (Feb 09), and she thought I've been clean all this time. Its like walking on eggshells over here. But you cant hide this crap.(the w/ds that is). You said your wife has picked up the slack..Mine has flat out supported my sorry ***,Yeah not feelin so great about that. BUT, I think by making them aware we are less likely to get back in this crap. I know i dont wanna lose my family over this ****. You think we feel bad now??...know what i mean?
Thats great your wife went to an alanon meeting. Maybe she will get a better understanding of the whole addiction thing,and realize this crap can happen to the best of us. Mine said shes not ready. Im not going to push the subject though.
Is this your first attempt at stopping?? If so(even if not) i would HIGHLY recommend setting up some sort of aftercare(therapist, AA/NA meetings, ect). Its helped me tremendously. Ive been on this merry go round for over four years now. Plus it would show your wife your serious.Just a thought.Oh and about the testo...Unless you need it.I would stay far away from that **** it WILL make you an a$$hole and you wont even know it,you'll think everyone else is being an a$$..lol...thats just my experience w/it..
Anyway, good luck man if you wanna PM me feel free.
I read your wife's version of events and it's not hard to tell you're being brutally honest. You are to be commended for doing this, it's a big step.
The lack of sleep thing is totally normal for your dose and length of use. I had similar experiences and got ALL my sleep in short intervals EXACTLY as you describe. Gradually the intervals will begin to increase in time. I found xanax and ativan only made me feel crappier and still did not increase my amount of sleep. All you can do is hang in there and believe me when I tell you it's not forever. I KNOW how maddening it can be and how much the swinging emotions come into play.
If you're keeping a back-up plan by keeping those numbers.....then a back up plan you shall use. You really need to try and protect your clean time and cut off sources from every avenue possible. If you're "for real" about this, the numbers gotta go, they are low hanging fruit.
Your wife probably WILL look at you like that until your actions prove that she no longer needs to. You can't beat yourself up for taking the meds. Most addicts have been through medicine cabinets that didn't belong to them. That doesn't make it right, it makes it a symptom of addiction.
As for the wife's upcoming meds, she can't suffer and go without if she needs them. She will need to have someone give them to her as needed or she will need a lockbox or a darn good hiding spot to keep them out of your sight. You WILL take them Jason, it's soooooo easy to do especially this early in your recovery.
I don't know zip about testosterone so I'm leaving that one alone.
I really do wish you the best with this, I know how hard it is. Perhaps you could try a meeting too. Many swear by them and my experiences have been realy positive too.
Hang in there Jason and try and cut the wife some slack too. She's been hit with some heavy news (a few times). Extending the olive branch once in a while can heal a lot of wounds.
Hello, I would also suggest telling your 'people' that you quit. That is what helped me relapse not once but twice. I am now 3 days clean and not lovin it, but getting used to it. Sleep? I can't have any meds around or I will just eat them all so I stick to OTC stuff. I don't know what is helping and what isn't I just take them all. As far as the wife, well I haven't come clean to my family yet so I can't help. I can tell you that I have done everything you have listed and am not proud of it. Hang on though, you have made it too far to turn back. Oh and deff. do the NA thing if you can. Great support
Hey - thanks to everyone for checking in and offering advice. It's great. I've been sleeping a bit - actually during the day which isn't cool - but, at this point - I'll take anything. Been getting about 3-4 hours a day.
Day 18 now without any oxycontin. I've told a few of you personally - but, to the group - honestly, I felt better on them. Don't get me wrong - I KNOW it is bad, unhealthy - physicall and for my marriage and my bank account etc etc but - well, this just *****.
Wife is still a bit pissed - doesn't say much though. But, I FEEL like she doesn't trust me at all and treats me like a child. She tries to keep the kids away from me (the little ones b/c they get kind out loud and are always hanging on me - so maybe she thinks she's helping me). I've never seen my wife play so much baseball with the boys. Never knew she could. lol
Get this - she's P.O.'d big time right now b/c I asked a bunch of people who work for me to come over for a BBQ on Sunday. I thought she'd like it but WWOOOOOOWWW. Not good.
Going to get some melatonin and ???what was it? Valerin Root?
Where do I go? Health food store? Pharmacy?
Thanks and again, glad you all are here and doing ok,
Hi Jason........Your wife has every reason to not trust you. Our actions speak louder than words so this will take time to rebuild and it will as long as you do your part in staying clean and really work your sobriety. This is a life changing thing and everyone is affected, especially our loved ones.
Gotta ditch your "back up" gang. You are setting yourself up by holding on to them.
Just an FYI about women.....dont just "think" we will like something as we change up the rules without notice!!!! LOL She has enough on her plate right now.....Spend sometime with her and your kids. Start making some good memories and COMMUNICATE with your wife. Lecture over..........sara
Just thought I would add my two pennies to the conversation. I'm on day 16 off oxy and the sleep and energy are my only issues. The first week was rough but I'm over the w/d. I am someone who needs 7-8 hours of sleep so not sleeping all night on a few occasions has been killing me...not enough to ever go back thought to taking pills as now I know what you in store for if you relapse and have to start over again. I can sleep when I have had two really bad nights and the third night I just kind of konk out but I have also taken a few sleeping pills. Not enough to get hooked and am told they are not physically addictive which I wouldn't want.
Hang in there. I have read many posts and this can be done...the energy comes back and the sleep. The energy level is tough for me. I have two kids and a dog and husband and trying to explain why I can't walk to the shops after work is hard. I pretended to have the flu for the first week
you say that you felt better on the pills.... yeah, but let me tell you that it was a matter of time until you wouldn't feel better on them... a time where you would be taking them just not feel like dying without them... you still have a beautiful and a wonderful woman that is trying to cope with all this the best she can, you still have a united family, you are still healthy ( somewhat...ok :) ), you still have a house, a home to come everyday, you still have a work earning a lot of money..... let me tell you that it was going to be a matter of time, a matter of "for how long:...".
you are a very lucky man if you can stop now....do not hesitate, you are saving your life as you know it so far. Take this very seriously, please.... make all the life changes needed here, there is also a lot in addiction to learn about ourselves when we stop being active addicts, we can be better and stronger persons but we must work hard on our addiction.... go to the root of your addiction, to the reasons why you needed hiding behind these pills, these substances.... we don't need them but we have to learn how to live without feeling that something is missing...You need a plan now to guide you through what is coming now. You are an intelligent man, put yourself together and make a plan to follow. Leave the shame and the blame and beating yourself away and go for a plan..... as we say here, you are not a bad person trying to be good, you are a sick person trying to get well and we need a plan to follow: healthy eating and living, exercise ( no steroids ),rest, getting rid of any toxic relationship and adressing the personal problems ( an addiction specialist, therapy, counselling, Na 12 step program.....whatever works for you )
maybe your wife is feeling that you are "insolating" her with your addiction. I am sure that after you telling her about your addiction, she hoped you would both work together on this... talk to her, communicate to her how are you feeling and do not drive apart.... the most important person now is you, you and your addiction and getting well but make her part of your recovery as she is part of your life... :)
ok, sorry if i crossed a line with my words... i can only say that i'm trying to wish you the best with my words.
as for the melatonin and valerian root... yes, you can buy them in a health store. When you take the melatonin, make sure that you are in a dark room, this is how it works....
good luck tonight with the sleep and keep posting, please.... and telling how are you doing or any question you may have !
Hey Jason. Great job on 18 days. I tell myself the same things too. That my life is better on the oxy. That I feel better on them, but I'm really just lying to myself. Trying to come up with reasons to get more. The truth of it is, it is a fantasy. It is impossible to acheive long-term happiness with drugs. Yes, they make us feel better in the moment, but have you ever noticed how you are disappointed in yourself at the end of the day when you've used? That just eats me up. I can't hardly even look my daughter in the eyes when I'm using. It's a battle man, but I guarantee you it will be impossible to quit for good if you don't burn your bridges. Sabotage them! Keep posting man, and let us know how you are doing. Also, be sure you are exercising everday for at least 30 minutes. I'm talking sweaty workouts. Just don't lift weights because that causes too much pain. I've found running and bicycling is the best. Push yourself, but not too much. Remember, nothing that will make you sore the next day because it will tempt you to get some pills. As for the sleep issues, Ambien is a godsend for that. Doctors are leniant in RXing that too. Ambien, to me, is the most powerful sleep aid on the planet. Trust me, it will get you to sleep.
Hey everyone - I'm back again. Day 19. Hmmm - lots of stuff to think about from you guys today. I think I actually am a little emotional - that's a new thing for sure. Going to try to think about myself - why do I do drugs? Why do I say nasty things to my wife? To my mom? To my boys? I don't know - maybe the steroids. Well - I got rid of half of them this morning. I gave them to a buddy who wants to get a little bigger from the gym. I didn't even sell them - just gave them to him - I mean a lot.
Why didn't I give them all? I don't know - back up plan again I guess. I haven't done it for 2 days now so I may try a little longer - maybe go to Saturday without. I was thinking about that - and, wife always asks me why I do THAT. She says "You're not going in body building contests" "You're not out there trying to pick up girls so what is it?" I don't know. Getting a bit older I guess and I don't like it. I did steroids as a young man and quite frankly my body had stopped or really slowed down producing testosterone - that's a clinical fact - had my doc do a blood test. He said it was pretty low and gave me some gel/cream to use. I told him I was having problems with the wife - ya know?? well - that was a lie to the doc - just to get some.
I'm feeling this need now to tell every lie I ever told - every stupid drug related thing I ever did. Weird??
I actually told my eldest son and his girlfriend about my drug use and my attempt at being done with it. My wife was pissed at that. She said they didn't need to know that. Maybe because it just came flying out and she was blindsided by it. Of course the first thing the kids do is look at her for ???? for what? for comfort? for assurity?
She's over being pissed about the BBQ and actually went and bought the food/drink etc this morning. But - I suppose you're right - asking her to entertain 15 adults and all of their kids right now might have been a bit much. I just thought it would be good to have normal things going on around here instead of her just - well - you know.
She's gone to 3 more alanon meeting this week. She seems to be getting more knowledge about "stuff". That's where, or one of the places where, I've been rotten to her. She came home last night and suggested me getting in a program of some type (like you all have) and I said, "Aren't you are an English teacher or are you a Ph.D. on addiction now too? Stick to teaching"
What did I say that for? She walked away from me - with the stuff for the BBQ. I'll tell ya - getting off drugs - I actually am starting - really - just starting - to see things like - well - maybe like an adult. Sound weird?
Yah, I've been exercising. We've been going for about a 4 mile walk each day. And, it's hot as heck so I sweat like crazy. I also noticed that my wife doesn't sweat so much. I never noticed that before - in all these years.
Still go to the gym - to lift but don't do any cardio there.
Oh, I got the melatonin and val root. Will try it tonight. I will let you all know how that goes. And, please, no one worry about going over the line with any comments to me - I brought myself and unfortunately my family - way over the line - so its good. I need to hear it since apparently I can't take any comments from the people in my life.
Hey,Jason, Your a lucky man..lol..If i'd made a comment like that to my fiance,i probably...not probably I would have caught a right hook!.I think you hit the nail on the head about the testo. I'm tellin you that crap will make you mean.Its like you say crap w/o even thinkin about it..MEAN crap. Just try to lay off it for a week or two,then ask your wife if she notices a change.You wont notice..lol. Just do an extra set or two at the gym. Not the same i know, but you wont loose much if any.
As for the cookout, maybe try to do all the stuff she would normally do. My fiance does every thing except the grill when we have a get together. Just help her out w/stuff she normally does,it might take some of the stress off her..IDK..worth a try.
It doesn't sound weird that your starting to see things as they REALLY are. I think these drugs put us in fog. Its not that we dont see things, i think its that we just dont care when were all jacked up.
I think you should have an open mind about getting into some sort of program. At least try it. It cant hurt you it can only help.....I looked at it like this...MOST people that have any clean time worth talkin about do some sort of aftercare,or have done. What i've been doing hasn't kept me clean. These people are doing something that works. I want to know what it is!! I've been going to meetings EVERY day since day 4...I have to tell you.. After the first one...SOMETHING??? keeps me going back. I get excited about going..All im sayin is dont rule it out...you might be surprised..
I think I am the reason your wife suggested a program and i want to tell you why. I posted to her post that if you two keep going the way your going you will be pushing your marriage to it's limits. You are trying to get off a drug that is one of the hardest things to quit and you are going great. The drinking not a good idea, its just going to replace one demon with another.
It's been 16 days for me now clean and I know exactly what you are going through. You want to sleep so bad but get stressed about it as you try, you lay down close your eyes and just don't know how to sleep again. for some reason I get a really uncomfortable feeling between 11 and 3am and it drives me insane.
My wife knows everything and I suggest you hand everythinhg over to yours. with one condition that she not destroy them and talk to you if you want them. This gives you the satisfaction that you still know you have your out and that out means going to your wife and saying you give up which I doubt somoene like you or I would do.
by doing this on your own you have missed out on some great things like clonodine that greatly reduce the w/ds. your doctor if he knows you are going through then can prescribe you something to help you sleep. the thing I have picked up so far in my research is it will take three to four weeks to sleep comfortably again don't give up.
my last suggestion for you is the most important in my opinion you both need to see some sort of marriage counsilor and get everything out in the open in a safe environment. You BOTH are hurting right now and are dealing with it badly. She is so hurt and feeling betrayed and doesn't understand what has happened to her perfect world. Your feeling guilty and will begin to resent her for not understanding and trust me my wife is very understanding, However the other night I was tossing and turning feeling realing uncomfortable in my skin and she went online and asked if I'd like some tea. my response has been echoed to me for three days now and I doubt she will offer to make me tea ever again.
You have the resources spend some money on fixing your marriage right now you've saved two grand by not using these last two weeks spend some on counsilling. And go see a doctor who can help you if for anything have a physical to make sure you've done no real damage to your body. withdrawal takes a huge tole on your body now that it's clean make sure its healthy
congratulations on being clean for 19 days and every time you think about giving up do what I do remember those first two days and understand you use again you have to live through them again
good luck to both of you I hope my advice has helped and if it didnt simply skip it and find someone who you feel more comfortable with.
Wife of an addict in denial is wishing you boat loads of luck in staying off these things. I wish the lightbulb would go off over my hubbys head. At the moment I dont have any faith in him ever admitting or accepting a problem let alone try to do something to fix it. At the moment he is very high functioning but I can tell you that I can see me leaving if it goes on as it is. I have children at home, a job that puts no more than spending money in my pocket and a husband with a great job and other than the sneaking lying addict he is I am married to a great man but I would rather be alone and struggling than living with a ghost of the man I married. Just so you know, women put SOOOO much worth into the emotional aspect of a relationship and the deadening of the emotions is what is so hard for us to accept.
My wife and I have an incredible relationship. I got on the oxy's because of kidney stones 7 of which I passed over ten months and during this time I became dependant on the stupid things. I was scared to death to ever come off of them because of the withdrawal.
The only way to describe the withdrawal would be to run a hundred miles and not be able to lay down or sit your legs are exhausted but you can't get comfortable. So a few months back I tapered myself down to about 120mgs a day and was very comfortable at that dose.
My wife however, wasn't. She wanted her drug free husband back, the man who refused to take even an asprin. So for her I went into a detox and lived a living hell wanted to quit those first few days so many times but just couldn't disappoint her. Yes everyone here is right you have to want to quit for you, I however quit for her. And I can tell you if I ever think of taking another I will remember those nights walking the halls of that detox not being able to sit or lay down going out of my mind in pain and discomfort.
You love your husband, tell him you want him back. my adivce is do it with a professional involved. You both have issues to resolve, keep in mind he started taking pills for a reason and if he is deadening emotionally then there may be something else behind his addiction. yes its a disease, but sometimes we want to turn off emotions for other reasons.
I hate to use myself as an example but I was able to function very well while on the oxy's in fact I built a four star restaurant and run two other businesses while on them. Yes having disposable income for an addict is a nightmare, I could buy as many pills as I wanted and my wife would have no clue. BUT she supported me from day one, it took us four months to find a good detox and me to be able to arange to disapear for two weeks.
She came every day with fruit and sat at my desk at work every morning so my employees would know the boss's wife was there. I don't know what she would have done if I said I'm not coming off them but I know I never had to hide it from her and that was such an amazing thing to me. To know she would support me no matter what is an amazing gift, not all can give it I know but she did. How could I ever not come off these things for her not me her.
Threatening an addict doesn't work, it only makes them go into hiding. Open a door and give them the option to be up front and you would be surprised what you would find. No one wants to be on opiates, its an ugly drug that has to be maintained and keeps us in horror of coming off of it because of the terrible withdrawals.
I hate to see any marriage die because of something as stupid as an addiction. Yes I told my wife where should could put her tea when I was in agony and she tried to help and she knows I feel horrible about it. We joke about it everyday since but deep down I know I all she wanted to do was help and I didn't contain myself when I should have. I can't take that back but I can learn from it and I won't be making that mistake again anytime soon
Remember those emotions that are deadened aren't dead and will come back when he makes the move to get clean. I hope he sees the light and I highly recommend a detox not doing it himself at home that is insane. If I was home I would have gone nutz and probably given in ten times over. Let him go through it with others who are detoxing like I did. They can share their suffering and get through it together.
took me 12 days to walk out of there clean of opiates and I have been 17 days clean now feeling better every day. Sleep thing drives you crazy but last night I slept for 6 hours with no help so it does come back just takes time like anything.
by your name I assume you are a fighter, pick your fight I believe it would be a better battle to fight for your husband and your life back then fighting against him. thats just my opinion only you know how much damage he has done and the direction you want to go. He should know the damage he is doing though and how you feel. Hope I helped some if not there are others better qualified then me to give you advice, seek them out and find your happy place again. There is life after addiciton together or apart you both need to find peace.
Hey!! Good Morning. I slept for 6 freakin hours!! Good stuff! Feel better. I think my wife and I are on totally different streets right now. (Sh--! Maybe its always been like this and I didn't/don't know.) You are right KidneySton3d - she is really hurt/sad/pissed but, oh shoot, I don't think I ever told you folks this but, her mom is an alcoholic - in recovery for over 30 years now - but, my wife - oldest of 5 children was the "mom" if you know what I mean. My mother in law is very high functioning - super of schools in her area, doctoral degrees, etc. etc. - but, while she was attaining all that - when my wife was a child - the kids suffered - they probably always do right? ? Anyway, I thought that background was necessary as I try to think about why my wife acts like she does. Maybe she is thinking "Oh, sh-- I have to do this alone again." But, now, our kids are her kids and they ARE her responsibility right?
My wife is finishing her doctoral program right now. She is an English teacher, as I have mentioned, and she also does some technical editing for local companies - like - if they are sending out RFP's, or, just advertising, they send stuff to her to proof read/edit. She's been doing that for years - in addition to her career which she loves. She does my advertising and RFP's (request for proposal's for those of you who are not in business). Anyway, my point, is that she is very high functioning and I am now thinking that it was her upbringing where she had to be the parent at the tender age of 10 - and again, very good at it. I mean, my bro and sis in law's call her Mom 2. My mother in law is still kind of hard on her - professionally that is. I mean, she pushes and pushes - doesn't quit. My wife will never do or be enough for her. We've had a few tiffs. Both of my bro in laws went to the Air Force Academy and my two sis in laws are married to AF pilots like my bro in laws - yes, they both met them visiting my brother in laws - when they were all in pilot training. And, my F in law was in WWII actually (long before our time of course and my mother in law married a man 15 years her senior) and then was a police officer locally - he is deceased now - my wife hasn't really dealt with that yet. So - these people - ya know???? Heck - do I measure up? Do they really accept me? When I met her - I was at Mass Maritime Academy - I quit in my junior year. I think that disappointed her family - and mine.Started working for a local company - then started my own - it has really taken off - that probably saved me with them. lol But anyway, I grew up in a very upscale area - the kind of place where everything is in the closet and all the moms play cards and get drunk 2x a week (oh, I think my mom and dad are alcoholics too - active ones - I mean, what determines alcoholism though? They drink with every meal - and in between, they drink wine/beer. My father talks nasty to my mother always has. I mean, my wife cant' stand going over there. She has always hated it. I mean, my mom, who is an incredible cook, prepares these 6 course meals, spectacular, and my dad will say, "Hey Cheech (her nickname), little burned on the meat ha?" and, "Yup, that's my wife - makes this big meal and forgets to put the salt out". And, my mom, the same way - my dad usually does the grilling and he will be out there cleaning, preparing and then cooking for 2 hours and she will say, "ugghhh - your father is such a dope - way too much BBQ sauce on this chicken." Something like that. I never ever noticed it until my wife started talking about it - years ago of course.
Hey, I am sorry to talk about my wife so much - but, honestly, I am seeing her differently - I mean, I have been with this woman since we were kids and she has changed and hasn't changed at the same time. Maybe my relationship with her is toxic - as someone mentioned earlier. Maybe its my relationship with my parents?
Wow - way too much emotion from me lately. I mean - how can this be good? I don't know what to do with all these emotions - is that what it is? Or just thinking too much? Too deep? I mean, she has all these problems on her plate - I guess and all she talks about is loosing 15 lbs to get back to her weight at 18???????????? WTF?
I think she is so strong and really really weak too. Like me I guess - like everyone?
You all are right - my marriage is really in trouble. She told me, I think I mentioned it above, that she feels like I cheated on her. Her "perfect world" is def shattered. So what? Do we start over? Last week, I told her I wanted to renew our vows - she said no. Flat out - no. She said, she is in no place to even talk about stuff like that right now.
Yes, I've saved a ton of money in 3 weeks. Marriage counselor? Hmmmmmm - I'm kind of a mean cuss for that right now - but, getting better.
Hey, notgoingdown, would you really rather live poor? I mean really? maybe my wife would too. And, the ghost of the man? That's for sure. But he still is that man in there somewhere. I am prob still in denial a bit too - but I am coming around - thanks to everyone on here - for sure. My best to you.
Day 20 guys!! Never thought I'd get through 2! Def do NOT want to go through that again. So - hey, new problem - medical - I really jacked it at the gym yesterday - doing shoulders and I went up 10lbs from my usual and I think I ripped my right rotator cuff. Really man. I had surgery about 4 years ago b/c I jacked up my left rotator cuff. Man, can't even tell my wife about it. She knows what that means for pain meds at home. That's what I get for over doing it at the gym so I don't need so much steroids. What the heck am i going to do about this now?
Ok, well, I guess I should get my kid off of pool cleaning duty and do it myself. That might get me a few points with the wife. Did I tell you all she has been sleeping on the couch for 3 weeks? At first she said she couldn't deal with the sweating and tossing and turning - then, me being up all the time - she couldn't sleep either - obviously - so she went to sleep with the babies - but now? Not good.
Problems constantly. I mean really - one month ago - I didn't have all this crap.
Thanks for all your comments. I TRULY take stock in all of them. I don't throw any out - so to speak - just put them all together. Your perspectives might be hers - and I clearly am out of touch with her. And, shoot, my kids, do they hate me too? Well, at least the babies still love me. (I am not blah blah- ing here - I KNOW they all love me to some extent - but, well, honestly, it is different now)
I truly wish you the best in your recovery. I am a fighter and I have tried to fight to get the the man I married back. He keeps his use as hidden as he can, stashes of pills disposable income that I have know way to track. Most of the RA's here would counsel you that until you are doing this for yourself instead of for your wife that you are doing it for the wrong reason... that until you are doing it for yourself you will be ripe for relapse. There is one long term high dose opiate addict here who goes completely against that saying that for the first few months of his recovery all he thought about was how he was going to get he use under control so he could use in secret... then the lightbulb went off and he was ready to get clean. So I would be happy if my AH would want to get clean for me or our family... at least that would mean he was admitting a problem.
Yes, I would rather be a struggling single mother than feeling like I am in a fake relationship. He says the right words, does the right things, keeps up the right appearances in front of friends and family but there is no true emotion behind any of that. The reason why women love to read romance novels, like sappy movies, love hallmark stores is all because we need the emotional stuff... the other stuff is just a bonus. I tell myself all the time that I need to just suck it up and be happy that he is still a good provider and that this secret of his is being paid for by his extra money. I tell myself it isnt fair to the kids to make them suffer and do without when he does function just fine on them. I know that if time ever comes that I leave it will be because of the emotional stuff not the checkbook.
wow, jason.... you are going through a lot of stuff !!
first of all, congrats on your clean time :)
and now, please, i know you have a lot of problems since you quitted but do not think for a second that those problems are because of this fact. Trust me, while on active addiction, all the problems were there but hidden... it was just a matter of time, you would be facing much worse problems than the current problems you are having.
there is something important now for you.... soon after detoxing, we are really emotionally messed up, all our emotions are over the place and do not trust them as to make any important decision about your life or your relationship now, please. I said to myself that i was not going to trust my emotions for some months cause one day you think all the blame is on the others, the next day you beat yourself for everything from your past life or you could go on psycoanalizing every thing until feeling totally exhausted....and drained. Do not reach this point.
one thing is going to the root of our addiction when we feel strong enough and another exhaust ourselves when we are so emotional and weak. Please, do not wear out yourself at this time, take each day at a time and don't dwell on the past now, it is not the best time to do it right now. You will have time to solve your personal problems and to adress your addictive behaviour and much better with some professional help. You can really feel overwhelmed by your emotions and your thoughts and if you are guided by someone who knows how to do it, well... it is easier :)
about toxic relationships.... please, take easy here too. I was refering to other addicts mainly or the people who enable us in our addiction...as i said above, wait until you are well on your recovery to think about the relationship with your wife. Your state of mind will be different in a couple of months, you will think clearly then and you may regret then of any decision or conclusion you have reached now. Step by step and walk slowly here.:)
and of course your children love you, not only the younger ones.....it is only that the oldest may not know how to react now, help them by being communicative with them, spend time with your family just for the sake of it.... don't think a lot and just enjoy your clean time with them and have patience....we need time to put everything in its right place, be good to yourself here , ok ? :)
wish you all the best and keep posting and telling us how you are doing, you are not alone in your addiction and we really know what you are going through.
Hey, How is everyone today? I am feeling a bit better. Although conflicted. Last night, one of my friends (aka contacts) came by the house. My wife doesn't know this person and wow - freaked. I got rid of him and all but, heck, the guy is a great guy - love to shoot the bull with him. Very smart.
Anyway, I almost found myself going out for a beer with him. Then I literally turned around in the yard (we were all out by the pool) and they were all standing there staring at me (my family). All of them. I felt like I was 3!
Didn't go. After my buddy left - everyone just went on with whatever they were doing. I felt like I was in the twighlight zone man. Do these people not get what I had just gone through? Here I was expecting a pat on the back or a medal or something - so to speak - and no one was payng attention maybe. No clue.
Anyway, wife and I went out with my father for lunch yesterday - he's pretty concerned about me. Maybe I shouldn't have told them about my issues - not his bag ya know? And, man, I've been taking some antibiotics b/c I messed up my arm a bit and it is infected and swollen but they are not working very well, maybe b/c the antibiotics are just an old prescription of my dad's and my wife's actually.
Think I am not comfortable going to the doctor about it. Never know what is going to come out of my mouth these days. My filters seem to be off.
hey, you really need going to the doctor for that infected arm to be given the right antibiotics... antibiotics need to be the right one, taken for the right amount of time... otherwise is crap, it doesn't work at all and the infection won't disappear unless it is treated with antibiotics so...... no way out here but the doctor, i'm afraid.
about your family, we are not very good at talking about stuff but it seems you really need someone encouraging you a little.... , so why don't you talk to them and just tell you need a hug... you could even got one !!!! :)
you did sooo well by not going with your friend... if he is one of your contacts, red signal. after a couple of beers you could start thinking... you know. Your recovery is first.
every dealer I ever met was really nice, treated me like a "brother" and would gladly go out with me for a beer or whatever. I have never seen any dealer being shady or gangster like, they are smart well read and ready to take every penny you have to feed your adicition. Your in business you know the best salespeople are the ones who don't need a sales pitch, they get close to you, first just an intro, then they take you out for lunch or coffee....eventually they befriend you and then and only then make their pitch. todays dealers are smarter then anyone ever gives them credit for. You contact did not seek you out cuz he cares for you he seeked you out because he knows you are vulnerable and could easily pop a free pill if you had the right incentive. He will say things like oh comeon know that your clean you can be an "occasional" use. theres no such thing anymore. You need to space yourself from all your contacts and never have the oportunity to use that they will definetly present to you.
As far as the praise for not going with him, they were all happy you didnt go but really did you want them to make a big deal about it. I guarentee if they did you would have felt like they didnt trust you going out and I am sure they were scared to react either way. Cut your family a little slack they will show their happiness and support when you can handle it. right now its easy for you to go either way and they so don't want to be a reason you get upset. personally I think it would be stupid to go out with the guy you agree so why should you be praised for not being stupid. You are intelligent and successful with a great life don't you dare throw it away for a stupid little pill.
antibiotics will only work if taken as directed. you need them prescribed to you and then follow the directions. you must take them for five to seven days depending on the type otherwise they wont work/
hope this helps Im on day 21 now and still having sleep issues my doctor says its because Im an anxious guy who tries to do things too fast sound familiar.
Guy called me at work today. I went for a beer. Feel like a ****. Home now. GAVE me a few. YAH, I mean GAVE me a few. You are right. He/they will do absolutely whatever they can to get in my head. I was telling the guy, well, he noticed that my arm is still red and swollen, but, I must say, better than when I first told you all about it. Anyway, he asked and I told him what happened. He said, "Here, I know you are getting off them, but, you are a big strong guy, a few won't even affect you." I took them. Came home and put them in my bureau - told my wife. Then, she asked if she could hold them for me. PROMISED she wouldn't throw them out or flush them without me knowing but, I didn't down them in the car on the way home.
Guess I can't even go for a beer. Wow man
Oh, and I hope everyone is ok. I feel like a selfish person just talking about myself all the time. Maybe I will feel better some day so I can give some insights to someone else. Anyway, thank you.
I am a long term 19 years HIV and HCV positive. This said I was 21 years old when I found out I was terminal. For the first 18 years of my illness I was lucky to not have needed pain relief over and above the T3s I needed from time to time.
Last year I started on Oxycontin and given it has been great for pain it has effected me in other ways, such as my personality and overall "quality of life". When I realized the medication was causing the problem I attempted to stop on my own only to end up in hospital each time I tried! I would sweat so bad my system became dehydrated fast while being unable to keep food or water down. The hospital would hook me up to IV for fluids to hydrate, Gravol, and IV Morphine to stabilize me. I have taken allot of Antiretroviral drugs to treat HIV and they are toxic yet none had ever hospitalized me or even come close to what I endured on both occasions trying to kick Oxy.
This time I plan to win the darn fight I just need do my homework and try to find ways to deal with the side effects this while keeping in mind I have only 300 CD4 cells to encompass my immune system. The stress of just prepping to take Oxy on for a third time is a major stress.
In closing I am open to all suggestions this third fight will be waged in Canada at the end of the month thus some medications are not available that are in the US and so forth. My game plan working with my Dr is to start off by replacing Oxy with Morphine for 1-2 months and then taper off the Morphine while keeping and eye on my immune system. I was researching how to stop sweating so bad and was told a medication called clonidine (bad spelling) would work for sweats if that becomes an issue? As well as something for nausea again if that side effect shows through the Morphine? So I have some sort of plan in place just not a solid one yet? Onward with research....
I can't sleep and it's kinda freaking me out. I took an oxy yesterday and one today. Now I've been up all night feeling like crap and every time I start to doze off I wake up startled. Is this a normal thing with oxy?
Are you on the knod or withdrawing due to reduction? Let us know your story so we can help? I can't sleep either, it's been two weeks at 2-3 hrs a night. Tonight, or should I say last night, I didn't sleep at all. Click on "Post a Question" and give more info on a new thread.
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