Gods the only one keeping me alive. Help

Question

I've been a lurker here for quite some time, But I need some advice and people to talk to.  Little background before I explain my problem.  Some years ago when I was 18, Martial Arts was my life, So I has a Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu class nearly every day.  One night during sparring my feared nightmare came true when something went wrong when I went down.  Best way to describe it is I was picked up and slammed on the ground back first, However I made the mistake of not slapping it out if you will and I broke my back.  At 18 years old the Doctor had me on 20mg of Oxycontin, with 10mg Norcos for breakthrough.  At the same time I had a very successful life in my career and could provide myself with anything I wanted.  Fast forwarding 9 years I was laid off because of the Economy, Lost my house, Health Insurance, Everything I knew and loved, I lost it.  Now I currently stay with my parents at 28 years old, Can NOT find work in this economy, because it just aint happenin.  Because of the aforementioned I could no longer afford my prescriptions and had a friend of a friend who was a Doctor that providing me with the Norcos.  I came to the point where I did not need nor want the effect of Oxys on top of Norcos, So I cut myself back.  So here I am, Broke for another week, Can not get the meds I need an I feel like I'm going down hill fast.  I still have constant severe pain in my back so cutting back 100% is out of the question for  me. Doctors tell me a fix would require extensive back surgery, which I clearly can not afford and am always told back surgery is a 50/50 deal...It  may work and be amazing, OR it may not work and make it much worse.  This is now day 2 with no meds, Haven't slept a minute in those two days, my skin is creeping, I get the chills, VERY depressed, I just want to call it quits. Game Over.  I already want to take my life, But my extensive background and history with God the Father keeps me from actually doing it.  How long is this going to last? Because if it goes on much longer, I'm not sure I can handle this.  It's not just the withdrawal that is killing me, it's my life in general, What I have....NOTHING...What I had..THE WORLD.....If I didn't feel like complete and utter  tard it wouldn't be so hard.

Sorry for the long rant guys, I'm losing my mind having no one around and sitting inside a silent bedroom for 48 hours.

hopefulinGod · Answer

Checking in to see how you are doing...praying for you and thinking about you. Sorry for all the information for your back and detox. I come across like a walking encyclopedia I guess...don't know...just don't know about too much anymore. This is where I'm letting go and letting God. And what is it about 3-4 am being the lonely time? This is where I am praying for all of you Guys...He is with us in those hours.

Bad_Obsession · Answer

You know....I have always wondered....if there is a God and he is soooo great, then why do people have to suffer?  Why do I, someone who believes in God, have to have bad times, and hurt, and pain???  So, I asked my pastor this one day....and he says, God wants you to have to go thru hard times, so you can recognize when other people are going thru hard times as well.  He wants us to go thru pain, so we can notice other people that are in pain, and help them, the way he helps us.  That made alot of sence to me.  Anyways....I just wanted to say that.  And that anything that doesn't kill you, will only make you stronger.  You are so close to being thru the hard part.  Hang in there....keep praying, and have patience.  You possess the keys to unlock the chains that have held you down for so long, and God knows this.  Keep your head up!

sweatinit · Answer

Super cool carlos! Glad to hear yo're doing well. It does get better! I cant sleep either, but people here have encouraged me enough so that I am not sweating it too much They say it will come. So i wait on God and hope. Like you, i used that awake time to pray...its all i can do. stay well,

CrazyCarlos · Answer

Quick update, Still not getting any sleep after 3 days, skin won't lay down and I'm still overall miserable.  However I am staying close to God and last night used one of my talents of drawing to draw out a Tattoo to symbolize that time in my life that God saved it.  It is a picture of me crying on my knees  crying and praying, with a Large Guardian Angel that God sent form me hovering over me with arms extended downwards to me...All the while I have a Dove flying high right on my back that is overlooking everything.  I have other tattoos of when I got saved in 98, etc and I use them to minister to other people when they see them and are like, Hey whats that about...That is my way in delivering Gods message.

Sorry for the off rant, It does help though and WE (God) and I will beat this!!!

God Bless you all!

Skidmore · Answer

Hey man stay connected God works in strange ways I just said A prayer for you and Ican feel the pain my brother .Today is day 4 and I beleave god is keeping me connected and I have alot of work to due.God doesn)t make any junk. Keep posting

itsmeagainmargaret · Answer

I was addicted and couldn't stop /I prayed for God to kill me so I wouldn't be addicted ,It wasn't long ,I was puking blood,having chest pains blurred vision, That was six months ago,although I'm still physically sick,I'm clean and I'm still alive/Thank You God

sweatinit · Answer

Praise God, carlos! I have been thinking abd praying for you since your original post. It is hard, no doubt but we are doing this. I read James 5:13 today and got on my knees and cried like a big baby. Hang in there and know He loves you. He'll never leave us either! Big Hugs!! Check you email, k?

CrazyCarlos · Answer

Thought I would atleast drop in and talk a bit more, However I find it hard to even do that. My motivation to do anything is 0, a Big ZERO!  This isn't the first time I went through this, At some point during the course of all this transpiring the doctors put me on the Devils drug called Tramadol!  As far as I'm concerned the way they say this drug is not habit forming is a bunch of garbage, It is by far the worst drug to come off in my eyes.

Long story short, The night came I was going to take my life. I locked myself in my bathroom and was ready to end my misery, However the minute I cocked the slide on my 45, My knees just gave out, Without any control I fell hard to the ground and instantly began crying and lost all control of my body, which my guess would be God shutting me down so he can have a  moment with me..  Seconds later, For the first time in my life I "heard" God talk to me...and he said, Carlos what are you doing? Does my word not say I will not give you more than you can handle? Ye of little faith, Do you think this is the "plan" I have for your life?  That night God saved my life, and I know he will pull me through now, But while going through this you can't help but want to take your life.  I extend my thanks to each and every one of you for talking to me...People care, and thats worth a lot.

troubleinohio · Answer

nice post gnarly... and i love the part about   "God...he's all you got at 3 a.m" I love that... so true and meaningful...

gnarly_1 · Answer

hey dude ....well it sounds like your plate is full as for your detox its only going to last a few days then things will start to get better....I to suffer with major back problems
and also wanted to get my life back from the narcotics...I did it 86 days ago
and it is so so worth it in the end...hang in there its only going to last a few days
pull close to god...hes all you got at 3am...and he has much grace to freely give those that ask....he will never give you more then you van bear and I found praying helped my withdrawals a lot...sit down in a hot tub it will help both the withdrawals as well as sooth your back some...once you get past the rebound pain from withdrawals you might find out like I did that you pain can be managed with motrin and other otc stuff its surprising once you off the narcotics a wile...your pain clock sorta resets itself
and you will probably find that you pain is more manageable without the narcotics
good luck to you...I will add you to my prayer list...God bless...Gnarly

hopefulinGod · Answer

Is there anyone who can massage your back-from the neck down to your pelvis-holding the stretch along the sacrum? This will release the back muscles that are pulled tight because of the injury. Then, have that person sink a fist into the gluts along the sides of the pelvis and hold, twisting the fist as they hold. This will release the gluts and hamstrings pulled tight after the back releases. By release, you will feel an ease of pain to some degree and the muscles will soften.If you can get a hold of some rice and sew a sack-of the size to fit along your spine and along the top of your pelvis/lower back and of a soft microwaveable material like flannel-put enough rice into the sack for a comfortable weight. You can also use a pillowcase for a quick instant rice pack. You don't want to put too much rice -the rice pack should be sort of loose so that it will conform to the spine and pelvis and be of a comfortable weight.. You want to use enough rice so that it will hold heat for about 1/2 hour. You microwave this pack for about 3-4 minutes to hold heat as much as you can stand to have set on your skin. This will also help the "nerve-jangling" you are experiencing from the inflammation due to detoxing. Your body is holding fluid in the connective tissue the nerves run through and are drawn tight in the mental head/heart/body symptom game of detox. This is where flushing your system with fluids, taking hot baths, and getting out and being active/moving is better than to wallow. Pray-we do not use this enough. In my worst moments of total black despair, I have mentally been engaging my brain to step out of the hole of nothingness. Despair comes and goes in waves. It has to be recognized as such, God loves you, of course you feel guilt, we all do-but in the spiritual battle going on-do not let Satan use this to pull you down. You sound like you are a Christian so you know that we are all human-we all fail-everything we do without faith and God is as filthy rags. Recognize the head/heart fatigue waves as they come and go-mentally activate your brain by praying, stepping out of the hole-and the wave passes. You are dealing with a spiritual battle as well as physical. If you can get someone to release your back, have the heated rice ready, lay on your stomach with a pillow under your ankles so that your feet aren't stretched out straight, this takes the pressure of your lower back. Put the rice pack alone your spine and back where you are having pain, if you wrap the rice pack in a towel, it will hold the heat longer. Let the heat soak in and relax. If that person can use long massage strokes after your set up with the rice pack on your arms and legs-starting from the feet and hands, using a soft, but firm pressure, massage with long slow sweeping strokes toward your heart, this will relax you even further and stimulate your lymph system to speed up and reduce symptoms of detox. The massage strokes should be always be made toward the heart-not away. Whoever said to avoid alcohol, yeast, wheat flour is right on. This causes more inflammation, or fluids to be held in the body, while the alcohol dehydrates your body, increasing the symptoms of detox. Get online and any herbal teas and foods that are anti-inflammatory would be good to put in your body. Chamomile is a good one. Well, I did not intend to go into this-I was looking for some answers myself. I am praying for you. Be proactive, not reactive. I am trying to do this, it is the hardest.

troubleinohio · Answer

hang in there, this will not last, as the others have said. Its like having a really bad flu...people dont kill themselves when they get the flu, do they? no of course not, and you should not consider that an option. There are people out there suffering far worse than any of us ever have without the aid of narcotics. Think of all the people currently in Haiti right at this very moment..a horrific earthquake has completely leveled the place. people are dying right now, some suffering an unimaginable amount of pain, trapped under rubble with no help... so try to put things in perspective.. i am NOT trying to dog you or minimize your pain in any way whatsoever.. i do know it and have felt it many times. But WD is no reason to kill yourself, so i beg of you to please hang in there, it will get better. The pain you are feeling now is just exaggerated pain- your brain screaming out for its fix. Once you give it more time, your pain will go back down to a normal tolerable level, it really will. I didnt think such a thing could happen either until I allowed it.. (I have a bad back too). Keep reading and posting here...we are here for you.

Calamity2 · Answer

Hi there honey. It is harder than he-- the first few days. Keep it simple . Like think I'm doing this. NOT i cant etc.  Keep positive thoughts.  Pat yourself on the back. Know that when you think you cant take it anymore , chances are in a short time you wont still be at that PEAK  when we numb our feelings we experience really highs and lows as we adjust our natural bodys abilities.  DRINK WATER.  DRINK GREEN TEA EXERCISE, BE YOUR OWN NURSE.  
I agree with your opinion about God not wanting you to do it. (S)

Jaybird30 · Answer

There's a bunch of us to talk to!  Keep posting it helps me a great deal!  The problem is everywhere and people are quitting all around you!  It gets a lot better in a short period keep going you can win!!!

Skidmore · Answer

Hi craze Carlos I am pulling for and your message to me is your god H/p is getting you though this I too am w/ding cold turkey day 3 .Its not easy .I am fealing the same crap.I am forcing myself to work and go to N/A A/A meetings another thing I am planing today go to the Gym and swim 100 laps tonight ,My prayers are with you my brother you are not alone now its you ,me,HP,and all other blogers

shrimpman · Answer

Hey and welcome!   I know how you feel----I was very close to ending it myself but I thought of my family and what it would do to them----I have a dog and would have had to take him with me and I couldn't do that-------those feelings will pass even though you can not see it now------I also have a lot of back pain and that's why I was given the pain meds.------Check out the thomas recipe--------It helped me a lot to ease some of the symptoms -------Keep posting and know that you will feel better soon-------Best regards, Jon

snowflake620 · Answer

Checking out is no answer to your problemeverything seems hopeless but believe me it isn't things do get better it took years to get to this point you will not be better overnight but YOU WILL BE BETTER SOON you have the strenght to do this you know you do stay with GOD he will never let you down,please keep posting to keep us updated and hang in ther
                   snow

xxhelzxx · Answer

IT WILL PASS. We have all been where you are in the W/ds. It feel like there is no end and hard to imagine that there is but I promise there is. The first 4 to5 days are the worst. depression is the worst. I cried on my 2 year olds shoulder. I know you lose all self worth but IT WILL PASS. its all in your head. your receptors are not firing and it takes them a while to heal and start firing again. thats just a tough time to get through. just keep the mind set that it will pass no matter how bad you feel. And taking yourself out of this world is not the answer no matter how bad it gets. There is no second chance with that. Stay here as long as you can. dont give up. be strong and tough it out. exersize as much as you can, I know you dont feel like it but it makes those receptors start working again. if your back is hurt jsut do something that gets your heart rate up as much as you can, you have to force yourself to do it, but do it. and drink sleepy time tea and take vit. D to help you sleep. Hope this helps and keep posting.

Tab57 · Answer

Keep the faith as as long as you have God you will be all right. Draw strenth from him and those around you who care about you. Have you told those closest to you about your problem. Honesty is best and people are surprisingly forgiving. I have a good friend of mine who is your age who calle dme last week and fessed up. He is day 5 of his recovery and is experiencing the skin crawling, flu like chills and depression. I have been trying to help him but he has decided to help himself by getting treatment which is huge. I am sure you have a strong mind set with your martial arts backgrond. If you can beat this just think of what this will do for you. Let me know if you have any specific questions.

fogmussher · Answer

sway's got the right idea. You must focus and remove yourself from your pain. Go back to your teachings Grasshopper!

AJ224 · Answer

Get acupuncture and change your diet...no grains...inflammatory food.

sway1 · Answer

for each of us the answer to "how long?" is different. since you're tight with God, that will help. there's something called the thomas recipe at the bottom right of this page. that too will help. it is my belief that some xanax valium for the first 3-5 days is totally acceptable. you can do so much healing if you can just get some sleep. the crawling skin thing varies from person to person, as well as our personal experiences. under no circumstances aare you to "CHECK OUT"! you have to stick around to see how it all turns out. you are overcoming tragedy. that is  an opportunity for you to inspire others. discuss it with God. having mastered martial arts you must have an iron will when you focus your power. good luck. peace, sway

CrazyCarlos · Answer

They need to make pills that give the overall effect of a hot bath!!!  On a side, I guess my biggest concern is how long does the physical aspect of this last?  I was taking 3 10mg Norcos each day.  I just want to know when the creepy skin stops, I can get "some"sleep, and feel somewhat comfortable in my own skin???

sweatinit · Answer

Hey There, I too felt useless and such a disappointment to God, but guess what? we are not. He loves us no matter what. I am 9 days clean from opiates (perks, vikes, and anything else) and the physical stuff is gone.
 If you have a tub, that helps! If you have soem chamomille tea, that helps. If you can pray, that helped me alot. I could not have done it on my own; i dont have that kind of strength. Keep posting here. These people on this board are amazing and they also helped me get through the worst days. I am so sorry you're feeling so bad, but i promise it will get better.