Going to my first AA meeting and getting closer to getting off this junk!

[suzieneedshelp]

The  AA person thinks I'm toxic.  That's why I feel so bad physocally and emotionally.  Has anyone ever been in this situation?  How long will it last if i slow downnw?  What can i take to help?  Does the Thomas formula help with being toxic?
If so, which elements?  
Thx and peace to all your lives!
Suzie
P.S. I was soo glad i could post!  Forgot to put on my questionaire that i wish we could post more every day!

[vrolijk]

I am not going to AA, I am stuck on klonopin and clonodine.
It all started with a seizure disorder from Psychiatrits, giving me major tranqluizers, Like mellearil, Thorazine, laxatane.
Instead of getting better, I got completly crazy, and decided this was an anxiety disorder and seizure and put me about twenty year ago on this drug.
After getting the right diagnosis of severe Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
My life in the mean time was comepletly fallen apart, there was no rational thinking, I could only run around in my mind about all the bad stuff.
and shakes and the normal effect from major tranqualizers.
I was on so many meds that most Pharmacies would not even give them to me and called it un ecthical.
Well, after many years got my head together, and took my self off almost everything. except klonopin 4mg a day, effexor 450. mg and clonodine 2 times 2mg a day.
Last year I had a concusion and the seizures and all kinds off stuff started happening. Could not take my anti depressends any more. They made me sick and lay in bed and so drowsy.
Took my self of that, a neurologist put me on 2mg more a day.
Stil the seizures were happening, and my grade point avarge dropped drasticly.
I was at Harbor view in Seattle for seizure observation and had two days before three grand malls.
Well they cannot take you of klonopin and laying in bed the whole time. Did not cause a seizure, from taking me just a couple of mg off I went into withdrawal.
No, seizure or seizure activity their in Harbor View.
Well, I went back three weeks later to learn, that my memory skills have gone bad, and other little things are strange.
The seizure doc told me he never would take me of klonopin, unless I would be in the Hospital for a month, and then an other month. He was not willing to do this.
Well I am doing it myself right now. I have my self down to 4 mg a day and actually start to react and am getting better memory skills again.
I have some withdrawal, it sometimes makes me crazy.
This stuff stinks,
It is a curse,
People with Chemical dependency problems love to steal them, they go for quite a bit of money on the street.
I have constant break inns in my home.
I am five credits away from a Human services degree and chemical dependency counseling. minus 2000 hours.
I know lots of stuff about other chemical dependency's, but klonopin has my life and it will not be addressed by the medical community.

No, AA meeting do not do it. it is about medical incompantancy.
I have been to the meeting, more for school reasons.
But if any one wants to get of alcohol, go to NA meetings.
Alcohol makes opium in your brain through many chemical processes in the brain and it becomes opium on the end.
No, flight Bommer stories, people will really work with you.
and try to find Dialectic Behavioral Therapy in your area, so you can keep on track. Marsha lehnin from the university of Washington is working on a good program for people with chemical dependency addiction.
It used to be for people that go from one crisis to another crisis. Just a life style that chemical dependency people try to bury themselves in the feelings of numbness.

In my heart, I know I could be addicted to almost anything, and my instincts always said; NO

Well, I am still depended and do not go where to go from here????

[XHydro]

Thank you for the thoughts Pinkit.Are you trying to drop your dosage down right now?I wish you all the luck.Remember the first few days are the worse but you will feel tons better after 4-5 days have passed.I try to keep short term goals instead of dreaming about what I will feel like in a month.Although thinking about the day when you are back to normal does help give you the desire to stay off of the little devils.Vicodin,Hydrocodone,Percocet are very very bad indeed.I really hope they finally do bump these bad boys up to a higher drug Schedule type(at least Hydro that I know of) so it will make it much harder for someone to take the same route as I did.Its just really too easy to get these pills(legally or illegally) and thats why these drugs are starting to catch up to steet drugs on the abused drugs list.

Today went suprisingly smooth for me today.I still felt like **** but I was able to joke around at work and finish a 12 hour work day without any major problems.Maybe the on and off Wd's helped me out since this is my third time quiting in 3 months.I hope the road is easier for me this time since this is the one that really counts for me.But I would recommend getting rid of any pils anyone has now and to not do it the way I have done.Really hard on the body.

I'm green with envy for all the guys and gals that are saying they have been off for a month plus and feel great.I have no doubt that I will make it to that peak too.I really think most of the WD's and cravings are just a state of mind and I try hard to think positive and act like I have tons of energy each day.I go out of my way to make someone laugh or smile even though I don't really feel like it and I think keeping a positive attitute really does help out tremendously.I'm not trying to act like someone that can give advice to others but I say just try that for a day and see if it helps you out too.Try to act like you feel great instead of acting like you really feel.I know its hard to put on a smiley face when you feel like **** but I think its worth it and at least helps pass the day instead of dragging it out thinking about how bad you feel.Just a thought.It does help me get through the day better.

Thanks for the thoughts and prayers and I'll do the same for everyone here whether they lurk or post.

I hope tommorow is brighter for you.
Nite,
XHydro

[lisabet]

Just checked my e-mail and there was a message from Chatahan; says shes getting ready for the "storm" and that 46 years in this world is enough. Sounds like she's ready to "check out".  Now addressing what some are thinking: Is this simply Chatahan being a "drama queen" or is she really suicidal?  In either scenario, the reality is she needs help. I haven't responded to her e-mail yet, but, Chatahan, if you're reading this, please know there are people on this forum who care. I care. Please call your pastor (as religion seems to be very important in your life).  Call your doctor.  E-mail me, although I can be nothing more than a sounding board, I'm willing to be that.  Your son may need you one day; your animals need you. Even though you say you're just another disposable person on this planet, remember this: Your son may need you one day, your animals need you; they would most likely grieve theirselves to death if anything happened to you.  You are here for a reason, as we all are.  You are meant to be here; it is not your decision to take an "early out".  It's simply not an option.  Love, Lisabet

[lisabet]

Will do - but I feel like I won't hear from her anymore. But if I do I'll pass it along for those who care, and I think there are other members on this board who do.
"Sometimes the least unlovable people are the ones who are reaching out the hardest to be loved".  It's easy to care for the people who are easy to get along with - the real test is when you care for the ones who are the most difficult.
Love/Peace, Lisabet

[Pinkit]

I too am worried about Chatahan. After what you wrote I went back and read her/his forums. Do you think Chatahan is okay. It sounds suicidal to me too. If you hear anything please post it. I am very worried too.
Pink

[lisabet]

Hi Pixi - I got an e-mail from Chatahan this morning and she asked if I would pass on to you the reason she didn't answer your post is because she has been banned from the board. Her e-mail read in part "can you please post to Pixi and the post above her that I was banned & cannot answer them. It is better they just forget I existed and hopfully this developing typhoon will be my final one....my grand finale!"  I know Chatahan's behavior lately has been erratic and bizarre; I'm worried about her--she sounds suicidal, but I don't know how to help.
Lisabet

[Pinkit]

Just wanted to say congrats to you. You can do it. I'm also addicted to hydro's. I'm not quiting cold turkey like you are. I don't think I'm strong enoung. I'm just weaning off the vic's. My prayers are w/ you. THis is one fu**** up drug to get addicted too. It is so hard to get off isnt it. I think this is the hardest thing I've ever had to overcome w/ in my 25 years of life. Overcome is the word. We can do it. God bless
Peace'
Pink

[XHydro]

Hi guys.I am finally kicking Hydros out of my life for good.I have went through WD's several times so I know what to expect.Day 3 right now.I took Hydro solid for 3 years and never needed it for medical reasons ever.It all started with a co-worker bringing some to work and giving me one.And of course the warm buzz feeling left me hungry for more.So I initially started buying from local dealers then finally found the easiness of online pharmacies.At first that didn't require any records at all to get the meds.They just took your word for it.That kept me with meds for a year or two.Then stricter laws were starting to be passed and some kind of proof was required but there is always around road blocks.You can actaully find xrays and records on the Net if you look hard enough.So that kept me with meds up until the present time.I have actually went through WD's quite a bit lately like the guy said way up at the top.I had one script left with two refills.But I took at least 5 a day and the scirpt only had 90,plus you could only get a refill once 30 days had past so do the math.So I have been going through 2 weeks of feeling good followed by two weeks of WD's then the cycle started all over again.Just couldn;t ever totally stop knowing that I still had some pills availible and all I had to do was pay for them and have them shipped.

Anyway...thought I would give a little background as to why I am here.This sorta takes the place of AA for me.I'm totally out of pills now and I'm ready to see the quiting process to the end.Going through WD's all the time, I found this place a month ago and used some good advice which really helped out and I want to thank all of you for taking the time.As I said beofre I'm on day three and I'm nearing the hump that I usually go through.By day 5 or 6 I should start sleeping again.Thats what I hate the most about WD's.Looks like some of you still get some sleep but I'm getting 0.But our bodies do handle it differently.I use the recipe which does help out tremendously because I have went the cold turkey route before and took nothing for it.I can tell a difference between using the recipe and not.I do rest easy knowing that many many people have went down the same road already or maybe even going through it at the same time as me.Time wil make things better for me and all you can really do is buckle up and take it one day at a time.I'm pretty sure I'll be feeling much better by the end of the week then its all downhill from that point.I can't wait for the day when I look back and wonder why I did something so stupid in the first place.Once again I'll be high on life and not narcotics.Its hard to remember how it was before I went down this road but I can wait to become "normal" and dependant on nothing once again.Except cigerettes but thats another hurdle that I think would be wise to leave alone at this point:)

Nite all and thanks

[cheermom]

Thank you so much for the info.  I have an appt on Friday with a Dr who used to be my PCP. I'm hoping he will help me with this.  When I made the appt and they asked me why I was coming in I told the receptionist I thought I was anemic.  I figure the element of surprise would serve me better.  I havent been able to get past the appt person in all the other offices I've called when I tell them what I need.  Since he prescribed me about 400 percs, tylenol 3's, etc in approx 5 months time maybe I can get the upper hand on him.  He really was a very nice Dr but unfortunately thats where my addiction took hold.  If that fails I will go to the walk-in clinic and see if they will do what you suggested.  I cant believe how hard this has been.  But I will get a great deal of satisfaction when my ex no longer has anything to hold over my head after the yr is up.  I'm tired of being talked to like something lower than dirt on the bottom of his boot. Thanks again and hope all is well with you tonight.

[MethMan]

A full spectrum will show a LOT of different drugs that could be present.  The reason I suggested that is because that would offset any attack you may encounter from his lawyer by saying that you've simply traded one addiction for another.
If a full spectrum test comes back clean, the only thing you could be snorting would be Tide with bleach. :)
Basically, it would cover all your bases.  There are other terms used for a **** test that covers a wide range of drugs.  
As far as getting a prescription or something to have it done, I have walked into a minor emergency center and just asked to have it done.  All you do is go up to the counter and tell em you want a very wide spectrum drug screen.  If they ask why, you can opt to tell them OR you can just say that my prospective employer wants me to do it before employment and since you are paying for it, you'll need a copy of it signed by the attending physician.  

If you need any more info or help and I can provide it, I will do so willingly.  By the way... just so you know, I am NOT a doctor nor do I play one on TV.  I am a recovering addict that just so happens to have some knowledge in this area.  I hope that I have helped in some small way.  There are others here far wiser than I and they helped me in my darkest spot.  To give a small amount back makes me feel good.  I hope it helps you.

God Bless,
Mike

[cheermom]

Sorry, I'm a little new to all this.  What exactly is a Full Spectrum Test?  Would i need a script for it or is it the kind you buy in the drug store?  I did call my husbands attorney today, explained the problem, they said they would call me back but havent(big surprise).  Let me know what it is, hopefully its something i could do.  This is so frustrating!  As far as a lawyer goes i never had one.  Stupid, I know, but the feeling of guilt at the time that i had destroyed my marriage kind of just made me sit back and give him almost everything he wanted.  I'm looking into an attorney now because I'm afraid of what he's up to now.  Thanks for posting to me and let me know what its all about.  All the best...denise

[athena]

Hi chatahan
I posted to you early this morning but it disappeared.I am very concerned about your state of mind.You have been lashing out at everyone and that is just not like you at all.I used to post to you a lot and you were always so caring and intelligent.Something is very wrong!Are you having seizures that you don't know about?I see from your posts that you are becoming increasingly suicidal.Please get help.This forum is a big part of your life and the people here need you.I think you need them too.Please accept help from the friends you have made on this forum,but first,please talk to a Dr. of some kind.You are in my thoughts and prayers.

pixi

[Sugarbeens]

I don't post too often, but, read everyday.  Please, seek help. You are a good person.  After reading your posts over and over I see that you are one of the really intelligent ones, who, is seeking a way out of the pain.  Are you suicidal??  It sounds like it.  Do you need help?  You hold so much back, I can feel it.  You have been through so much, much more than I have.  When I am feeling sorry for myself, I think about you.  To have lost your child.  How you must hurt!!  Reach out to someone you can really trust.  We need you here on this forum as a support, someone we can learn from.  Don't look for that storm, look for an inner strength I know you have.  You don't have to stop these addictions all at once.  What would make you happier??  Find your son , I think that will be a first step.  The songs you talk about and the feelings you get from them, you are a emotional, hurting, caring, loving person.  You gave that at one time, but, because of pain you have given up.  Please don't.  From this day forward, be yourself, and find yourself.  Are you covering it up with drugs/alchohol.  Of all the people I see here, I know you can stop!  We all can if we reach inside.  Love to all, Butterbean

[koalabear]

I am not going to bash you for your posts, but I've been here for awhile, seeing people come and go, and what you are doing here is not the norm.

Your abusive outbursts are really offensive.  You even had the nerve to slam on Mrs. Rat.  The people your negativity is pointed toward is unjust.  These people are trying to help you, that is the nature of this forum.  You've created an image of yourself that is less than desirable, and I'm afraid you will be isolated.

Your medical condition obviously is above and beyond addiction.  I am strongly urging you to seek medical attention.  Your posts have a lot of violence and nonsense attached to them.  The seizures that you are having seem to be affecting you.

Please, for your own sake and safety, see a professional soon.  Seek the help you need, and refrain from the uncalled for language you speak.  It is for your own safety.  I really care about what is happening to you.  Your posts have taken a huge turn for the worse and you were not like this when you first came here.

I hope to see you well soon.

Koala

[puma]

You came for me,,,,like a thief in the night
You ended my, my life and releived my my plight........

Thank you, (Typhoon I need you so badly!!!!!!!)

This is our time of year as you now so do your thing baby!!!!
I eagerly await your eyewall and arrival!!!!

Chatahan.......wildcat


You don't have to be as strong as STY-Kim, no one upping here!!

[puma]

Skubee,

Thank you, you are correct, why remain on God's green earth?

I don't plan to, just waiting for that right typhoon, maybe forming now as we speak, over the Marshall Islands. One can only hope and pray. It's windy tonight, I can feel the energy building in the air!!!!!

Chatahan..........wildcat

[MethMan]

Like the recycle hippy in the Simpsons says, "Simply, man!"
Two simple words that mean a lot (to me at least).
If I were you and were not getting any help with the drug testing, I'd take matters into my own hands.
To have 8 clean tests in a year to get your kids back, why don't you just do a full spectrum test every 3 weeks?
If you provided MORE tests than they were asking for and all of them came up clean, then what could they say?
Sure, they could say, well...it wasn't random.  But, my rebuttal would be, No, they were not random, they were sequencial over a years time and if I were NOT clean, it surely would have shown up in at least ONE of the tests.
What would their arguement be at that point? I don't see one that would be anything other than baseless.

Just my idea... that's all.  Where is your attorney on this one?

God bless to all,
Mike

[scoobiedoobiedoo]

Yes,you people have every right in the world to be suspcious of me, or anyone as far as that goes. I could be lieing to you, but I;m not, I could be anybody and so could you.All this slinging of bullcrap....pity, where is the empathy??It takes a really big person to accept with open arms and no questions, but anyone can sling poo.......This is truly the most bizarre support group I have been to by far.Why is everyone so angry?Did;nt have yor wheaties? We are ALL ADDICTS. And I don't BLAME ANYONE BUT MYSELF.I spent far too many days watching the clock to see when it was time for the next dose of Vicoden.And then promptly denying I had a problem.I like Vicoden.I am suffering with pain because I know I cannot have it again or it will staRT all over again,and I cannot do that, too weak.And to tell you the truth I honestly felt as if someone else was shoving them down my throat, because most days were a blurr.I will be the first one to admit any of my wrongs in my life, so don;t judge.You have not right, youa re not perfect, neither am I.I am a person with feelings, a life, a career, a family, a relationship and a drug addiction.I like you wish I never had come accross my drug of choice.Treat others as you wish to be treated.

[scoobiedoobiedoo]

Yes, someone mentioned that the Dr. got them addicted to vicoden.That would have been me and maybe the wording was off kilter.The pointIwas trying to make was after 3 or 4 scripts of vicoden, (which when you have REAL PAIN is a freakin godsend,I'm sure you know what it;s like to have pain??) I had to have it because it made the pain go away and let me tell you a slipped disc in your back is some evil ****.The doctor knew I had to have it I told him.And everytime I went into see him he would say"We just have t get you off these narcotics" And promptly write me a script for 180 more tabs.Who on gods green earth is gonna refuse that when you wakeup at night because your back and neck are throbbing with pain.???!!!Yes I suppose everyone is above all that,except for me??Yu and I both know what was ment by that statement.Iwould have not had the vicoden if it was not prescibed, I am not the kind of person who steals from work or panhandles on the street.So as another one who is so high and mighty runs their mouth without thinking....Think about it.

[Rdytoquit]

A doctor can write a script for vicodan, percodan, valum etc.. in about 30 sec. It takes the same doctor 15 to 20 min. of talking to explaine the reason for not giving the drug. Sometimes even a doctor will take the easy way out.., not to mention how much money can be made in 15 to 20 min.

[Patrice]

Someone mentioned their doctor getting them hooked on vicodins........Come on now, did the doctor shove them down your throat??? The first think I learned is As an adult, I am responsible for everything that happens to me..It is easy to blame, but you being an addict is no ones fault but your own...

[Chezz2]

Sorry to hear about the BS you are having to go through. Sounds like typical nasty divorce stuff.
But it still hurts just the same I know. Hopefully your ex will see the light someday and stop trying to hope you are doing bad and be happy that you have gotten clean and better. He might be jealous actually. And probably is.
I know if my wife was addicted to meds or something, would never get better when we were married, then got better after we seperated. I would be a little hurt too. Wondering why the heck she couldn't do it when we were together. So that is probably some it if.

Thanks for asking. So far it is a great day here. Sunny and nice, California. I am actually getting off the computer for the day and spending it with the wife. I spent a little to much time on it yesterday.

So have a good one too. Try and remember, staying clean is for YOU. That you are a lot better person now, and it is worth staying that way.
Chezz

[cheermom]

thanks so much for your response.  i did think it got lost in all the threads.  this is so frustrating!  legal aid says my income is "too high" which is such a joke as i just started working again and as most people am living paycheck to paycheck.  i will keep trying lawyers out of the phonebook.  most offer a free consultation but will not give any information of value until you pay a hefty $3000 retainer which obviously i do not have.  i have an appt with a DR this coming week and i'm determined not to leave until i have exhausted all avenues of trying to convince him to write the scripts for the testing!  ironic how they never had trouble writing scripts for percs but dont want to "get involved" when someone has cleaned up and needs help proving it.  i'm trying not to fold under all the pressure.  my children are the most important thing in my life and the guilt is unbearable whenever i allow myself to think about the person i was when i was using.  i'm going to NA this wk in hopes of trying to find some peace for myself.  thanks again for responding and i hope all is well with you.  hope to see you continue to post here.  much thanks.....

[cheermom]

my ex and i had a long discussion about the problem i'm having about 2 wks ago.  he said he would contact his lawyer since they wrote the agreement this way without specifying a specific dr who had agreed to do it.  he was having what i like to call "a nice wk" which is usually followed up by a not so nice wk. and once again i was right because this wk he was back to his nasty self and bingo yesterday there was a ltr from his lawyer waiting for me in my mailbox.  it stated that he had notified them that i hadnt been complying with the terms of the agreement and that i had stated i was having trouble finding someone to do it for me.  followed up with the names of the labs stated in the agreement.  well no kidding, i know which labs they want, i just need someone to write the script.  he called soon after and i told him about the ltr which obviously he knew about and that i dont like being threatened since it stated i would not get extra overnight with my son until i complied.  so he didnt really call them for help just to try to get to me once again.  he likes to be nice to my face and then hide behind his lawyer when something doesnt go his way.  i truly believe he would be happier if i was still using because then he would be "right".  i've suggested counseling together so we can learn to work together for our kids but he has refused.  i think it bothers him more than anything that i dont have anything to hide anymore.  funny, he has no concern for his daughters as they live with me full time and if he felt i was using youd think he'd want them out of here.  anyway enough time wasted on that.  i am calling his lawyer tomorrow to respond to the ltr and i'll see what they say.  i'm sure they will be no help as usual.  they of course are loyal to their client, which is actually his father, as he has pd all my ex's legal expenses, etc.  sometimes its almost harder to stay clean than not.  almost...but not quite.  thans for the suggestion. hope youre having a great day!