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Good Morning

Well hippy, ready to hear your thoughts for the day that always seem to make me feel better to get through the day without feeling sorry for myself. Danielle
Tags: Addiction
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How about my thoughts on this fine monday, I took a walk and now I'm sitting here seeing what all you addicts are up to.  I'm gonna make the most of my day but it will be easy because I've got meds, I have a plan to go away for a week at the end of the month and kick then.  I'm using less than when I started posting and I'm taking the receipe on and off, but I've got vicodin on my mind all the time.  It has total control over me, how do you ever stop when the people around you don't know what your doing? I went to some meetings and guess what I made a connection,it was easy, its not why I went but that's what happened.  Have a good day
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my problem exactly.  it really gets a grip on you.  it's all you think about. i feel you pain!  it really stinks.  maybe it's just getting throught the first month or so.  i don't know.  i believe, though -- once an addict, always an addict.  even if you don't take anymore, you still remember and want that "feeling".  i may be wrong.  at least, that's how i feel.  even when i don't take it and it's been a while, i want more.  but, i'm trying to be strong.  i'm going on day #2 without anything, and the cravings are intense.  this is hell.  but, like i said, i'm still going to give it all i got and try to kick this.  it's just not worth it.  i've got two girls and a darling husband, you know?  i'm trying to look at my list each morning (thanks hippy!).  Smiles and peace to all of you.
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Good morning all:
     I didn't get a chance to post all weekend -- had family in and was mostly home-bound.  I did get to read a lot of posts (doing a quick alt-tab whenever someone came in the room) and almost had one post to Jesse, but I had to do a quick shutdown when everyone came back too soon.

     I'm on day 15 here.  Feeling and doing pretty good, except for the SIGNIFICANT grief over the money I've wasted in the last 2.5 years, especially the last 14 months (when it's really been out of control and almost constant).  I've actually put myself and my family in financial jeopardy.  With luck I'll pull out of it, but I'm determined not to make it any deeper.

     I know that I am very lucky that I do not have the serious pain issues that many here have.  

     Well, I'm out of time (again)

CATUF
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I sneak around on this website too, can't let anyone know I'm hanging around with addicts, you don't know how much I wish it was okay to be me.  It never has been I've always had a secret something going on. Whats up with that,
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Yesterday was 8 days clean for me. As many of you know, I've kept this from my wife because I didn't think she could handle it. Well, yestday I forgot to shut down the computer and my hotmail account was open and the correspondence I've carried with several people was just there staring at her. Needless to say, the cat was way out of the bag at that point.

She has kicked me out of my home and refuses to allow me to see my 4 small children. She is pregnant. She told me that a good part of her rage was due to the fact that I was sharing on an emotional level in private correspondence with other women. Despite my assurances that I only wrote regarding addiction, and never even crossed a line regarding impropriety, she sees nothing but emotional adultery.

I've never been so low and I don't know how to cope with this. She is serious. She has no sypathy/understanding for anyone who would gamble on the livlihood of his wife and children. She can't see that most of the time I've been a honoring husband and tremendous father.

She is the type to make good on her intentions to file for divorce and keep me from my children.

I feel like I'm trapped in a nightmare that keeps getting worse and I can't wake up.

Sean
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I sure do feel for you.Being like you I went thru this myself.
The only thing I could say to you is have faith in the God
you believe in.You have been doing the right thing.She feels
betrayed and I can relate to that.My wife went thru the same emotions when I finally told her of my using.And to make it worse she also found where I had been making posts here.
I tried to explain all this to her but it wasn't until she realized that I had no one to talk to about it.She refused to
discuss my problems,period.
The only thing I want to add is don't let this push you into using again.That will only add one more problem to your list.
Don't give up trying.Let her read some of your posts from here.
They are all about you wanting your family and that's the reason you came here.Let me know if there is anything I can do!
                                bmac
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if you do talk to her don't grovel.
tell her the truth, but if she says shes leaving you , act like ok i understand , i derserver it , i 'll see ya later.
i have seen this many times and the more you push twards her  she will push you away. so just be good and don't push twards her, she will get over the shock. give her some time , and don't use. find a way to keep posting. it will work out.
very rarely have i seen somone get clean and have there life fall apart


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Guys, thanks so much for your encouragement. I'm truly at the lowest point of my life right now and it's like I can't even really breathe. I'm living in a unending anxiety attack.

I have no intentions of picking up ANYTHING in response to this pain! I have a gazillion refills left out there guys and I spent all last week and these past days getting clean knowing that. Now, I feel the only hope I have is to get healthy. Really healthy, like, it's not just because I love my wife and children healthy, but it's because the same man will do the same thing again, AND I DON'T WANT TO BE THAT MAN EVER AGAIN!!!

I'm literally bawling my eyes out here as I type. I feel like I can't handle the pain. I went to a noon meeting which was good and I spoke with some guys afterward. No one can quite grasp the fact that my wife would really disrupt her and her childrens' security in light of the fact that I haven't been using pills in eight days now. But my wife is enraged and she is not subsiding. It will take a miracle. What is so difficult on top of this is to see her rage and the way she is lashing out at me and others in my family (she's convinced that my mom/dad/brothers/sisters are the cause of my addiction (my parents really were quite ill-equiped, that's a fact) and she is calling them and saying horrible, damaging thing to them, fill with profanity). In other words, she's starting to become responsible in her own right for others hurt and loss of security and that is what she is blaming me for. My sister received a scathing phone call. She is very wise though; I spoke with her and she said nothing but kind things about my wife (although I know she abhors my wife's deep sense of black and white, judgementalism, and double standard-keeping: in other words, the very same traits that most of us have at some point in our lives.)

I can't help but think that God is in all of this. Out of His love for me and my wife and our children, it just is not good enough that I carry around such dark secretive baggage in the very relationship with the one to who I'm united in marriage. And man, I can see that. Someone out there must know what it's like to carry deep secrets from your spouse; to treat them as children almost, believing they can't handle it. Well if we did it, guess what? Someone's gotta handle it. I thought I alone would be that person, but don't you know, that even as I've been getting clean over the past days, my baggage was so darn heavy, that my secrets still left my wife a million miles away from my heart. I don't think God was settled with that, given that we both say we want to live in the center of His will. I've heard it said that "God chastiseth him whom He loveth" and that is what I am seeing.

I honestly don't know if I will get my wife back. I honestly don't know the depths to which her hurt will drive her in keeping me out and away from our children. I don't know these things. I'm in new territory and I'm scared to death.

Please pray for a miracle any of you who really do pray. Mention us specifically and pray that my wife can forgive. If not for my sake, for hers.

Sean
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You sound like a religious man.  Anyway way you and your wife can seek counseling through the church.  You sound like you have gotten it all together but this is a major setback for you.  Don't let it stop you.  Your wife should come around.  She's got a lot of emotions going through her too with her pregnancy.  She may just be blowing off steam.  Don't close the lines of communication with her.  It's hard to understand all this from an outsider's point of view.  That's why I'm here.  I'm trying to understand what my husband is going through.  Obviously I can not understand completely because I have not gone through what all of you have, or what he has, neither can your wife.  Maybe she can come to the site too, maybe you can try to start sharing more with her.  She may not understand 100% but she obviously does love you.  She is jealous because she can not help you the way others here are trying too.  She feels left out.  I'm sure you both can get through this.  Getting off is hard, the rest should be easier, right.
God Bless.
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Sean, I have been following your story throughout the past week and am so sorry to hear about what has happened with your wife. I know what it is like to hang on to that horrible baggage. I came clean with my husband yesterday and told him everything about my recent relapse.  All I saw was terrible fear in his eyes.  He said he is so afraid for us especially at this time when we are in the process of adopting a child.

I am following a slow taper to get off of the barbituates and have an appt. to see an addiction doctor. Like you I just want to get well that is the only hope for me right now.

I promise to include you in my prayers. Give your wife some time. It sounds like she is filled with so much rage right now. Please take care of yourself go to meetings as often as you can and talk to people. You have come so far in the last week.

As much as you miss your family right now you need to concentrate on you and getting well.  I know this may sound selfish but it is the only chance you have.

I will be thinking of you and praying for you.

Golden Slipper

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We sure have a way of messing up our lives. For some reason you have pushed the self destruct button.  I know, I have done the same thing a few times in the past.  Keep in mind that it will take some time for your head to clear from the past drug use. Don't make any major decisions for a little while.

Is there more to this story than you are telling us?  This seems like a very intense reaction to your using pills. You might remind your wife that your marrage vows say "for better or for worse" and "in sickness and in health". Who is perfect? Like your friends at AA, I find it hard to believe that your wife will destroy this marrage over what has happened. It sounds to me like you are being punished in an attempt to dicipline you.

Enough out of me. Stay strong.


Bodymechanic
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Sean,


I feel just terrible after reading your post!  I KNOW how much you DIDN
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All I can say is that I will pray for you - did as soon as I read your post and I'll continue.  I think I understand how much your family means to you.  

CATUF      

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I'm so sorry about this news.

This may be off-base, but is it possible that she feels in some way responsible for your problem?  There's something that sounds too self-rightous about her attitude.  Like it's some sort of emotional cover.  Maybe she feels stupid for not seeing the truth.  Maybe a part of her knew the truth, or some version of it, and now that it's out in the open, it's her turn to vent.

There's also this other thing about how some families need one person to be sort of "broken".

Anyway, she's going to be angry until she's ready to not be angry.  Somehow, it will come out as it's meant to.
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I'm sorry but this really pisses me off, your wife or husband finds out you have this serious problem and they turn it into all about them.  I told once and that was the worst thing I ever did.  When you came clean she should have said, I want to help what should I do?  Where can we go to get help?  Not get out I'm taking the kids and you are out of here.  What about for better or worse,sickness or in health, Is that all bullshit when it comes to addicts?  I know that if it were me I would lend support and forgive until the addict was better.  I'm loyal and I'm dedicated and Sean I'm sorry that you are being treated this way,  You will get better and your kids will be your kids no matter what your stupid wife says to you.  Take care and keep posting.  These people here can relate to your situation like nobody else.  Are we all posting in secret? That's funny
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What happened to Sean brings up a good point for those of us who are not in a position to share with our family, etc.  Beyond being careful not to leave a screen full for them to look at, there's the whole question of History and Auto Complete.  

For example, I don't want to put our forum on my Favorites, as even if I called it something else someone might click on it by mistake and wonder why an addiction page was saved...  So, from home I type in something on Google that will quickly pull it up, such as "bmac recipe."  

That's fine, but Google (and many other search engines) save the search words you type in and they're visable either via an arrow or when the first letter of the search term is typed. If you don't know how, those saved search terms are a real pain to get rid of.  At the risk of sounding like a geek, I'm going to tell those that don't know how to do it (on Internet Explorer, anyway):

1) goto Tools; 2) Pick Internet Options [2a here you can clear your history if you want]; 3) Click the Content Tab; 4) Click "Auto Complete" at bottom under Personal Information; 5) Click "Clear Forms" under Clear Auto Complete History; 6) if you don't want it to "auto complete" search terms, web addresses, etc. in the future, just uncheck the boxes at the top of the Content window as needed.

CATUF
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Well things were moving along so well until this situation with your wife popped up. I believe you when you say God had something to do with her reaction. I believe you, but I know that it is not true.
The trials and tribulations we each deal with sober are real life occurances that everybody deals with that don't use drugs. We are oblivious to stresses of everyday life because when we get tweeked out we self medicate ourselves.
Your wife is reacting to many things going on around her that are really putting alot of pressure on her. Kids, pregnancy, hormone inbalance, and now you. If nothing else resounds with you, understand clearly that you have concealed something very important from her. She is probrobly hurt that you didn't go to her for support and comfort.
Go to her soon and tell her how much you love her. Tell her the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Breakdown and show her what you have been hiding from her for so long. She will recognize that alone she could not help you. I also agree that you should let her read the threads that have been written to you and the incredible feelings you have expressed with all of us.
You are a champion to have come this far. We all know that the initiating factor that brought you into sobriety is your family.
Be strong, please don't relapse and know that your Love for your family will bring all of you back together.
My thoughts and prayers are with you Sean.
Goldenbear
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Man, my heart goes out to you.  Listen, our loved ones love to help us and feel needed.  Have u tried really sitting down with her and telling her how much you love her and the kids and how freightened you are. Have u asked for her help?  Telll her how much you need her now.  That you believe you can beat this and with her partnership, well that a sure thing!  I dont know, you may have already tried this route.  But sometimes we forget. We think that our loved ones should just know how we feel, or that we need them.  But some just need to be asked and their true big heart opens up.  I know in my life, I have found that to be surprisingly true.  My loved ones have always amazed me.
Thx,
The angel is on your shoulders.
Suzie
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i haven't really been following your story, so i don't know any specifics except what i've read in this thread.  was everything great with you and your wife before she found out your secret?  i can't believe that things were fabulous and finding this out made her kick you out of the house...there must be other issues...right?  i agree with hippy in that you should just step back, take care of yourself and get better...if you crowd her now and try and convince her of anything, she will probably just pull away more.  

just in case things don't turn out as you hope, i would get your stuff in order...be prepared, so you don't lose any rights where your children are concerned.  i'd love to say things will be fine and you won't need to go there, but i don't know you or your wife...the best defense is to be prepared...be able to show proof that you are in recovery, etc.etc.  also, the person that leaves the house is the person who deserted the family...in the eyes of the court.  if you've left, you should just go back...it is your right to be there...if you've done nothing to hurt her or the children, go back to your home.  she is wrong in throwing you out when all you are doing is trying to get well.  print out some of your posts for her to read...they also show proof that you are making progress in recover.  

i know i sound like a cynic...probably because i am.  i just would hate to see you get burned when you are just starting to get better.
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I agree with Groovy that it is your home, too, and they are your children, too.

Don't let anyone convince you that you are a bad person, because you are NOT.  You have the disease, the drugs took you over, and you may have made some bad decisions in the past but you did the very best thing you could have done: found help for yourself.  You get a lot of credit for that.  

It can't hurt to find out how to protect your rights in case things do get really nasty.  I hope they don't, but you never know, and you should get professional advice so as to avoid a misstep.
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Man, this sucks.  You are the LAST person in the world that deserves this treatment--especially after you have done so well in your detox and progress.  Damn!! All I can figure out is that you wife is shocked, terribly hurt, betrayed and scared.  So those are the very same emotions she's flinging back at you, leaving you to deal w/ them.  I THINK (I obviously don't know her) once she has time to digest this, she will be easier to approach as far as perhaps making some compromises.  Let her be for now.  Try to keep you own **** together as far as your recovery, and keep posting here.  We will all help you in any way we can.  You WILL get through this.  From  your postings on the board, I know you are a sensitive, caring person whose heart and soul are in the right place.  Trust that in the upcoming days.  Hang in there and we love ya...Peaz
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Sean,

I am sorry to hear about the snag in your recovery process. You were really stressed about not telling her all along. Do you think subconsciously you left those emails open and available so that she would find out and you could finally come completely clean with her.

You knew you needed the most important ones; your family to support you if you are going to win the battle with your addiction.

Your wife probably was hurt for you not trusting her enough to let her in on your problem sooner and also for the secret. No one likes secrets held from them. I takes time to get over the initial surpise, anger and hurt, but when she really sits down and thinks about it and perhaps as many others have suggested read your posts, she may become more understanding of the difficulties and stigma surrounding addiction. You may suggest she try alanon when she calms down somewhat if you get back to the communication stage. Then she may learn why you reacted the way you did with your addiction.

You may also try to offer her support emotionally about how she feels with her pregnancy. She may be going through some hard times physically and mentally and need the extra support herself as well.

I do believe in God and I will be praying for you and your family. Good luck and God bless,

Chatahan
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FIRST ID LIKE TO COMMEND YOU FOR YOUR COURAGE TO HAVE MADE THE MOST IMPORTANT DECISION IN YOUR LIFE(TO JOIN BACK INTO LIFE AND ITS JOYS AS WELL AS ITS WOES).NEXT ID LIKE TO SUGGEST THAT THIS MAY BE THE BIGGEST TEST FROM CREATOR TO TEST YOUR STRENGTH,WILL AND DETERMINATION.YOU HAVE PROVEN SO FAR,THAT YOU ARE A MAN OF HONOR AND A MAN WITH FOCUS.                                                            NEXT ID LIKE TO ASK YOU TO ASK YOUR WIFE SOME QUESTIONS AND ASK HER TO TAKE HER TIME ANSWERING THEM,AND ONLY IF SHE IS WILLING TO GO INTO THE SILENCE OF HER HEART.ASK HER IF SHE HAS BEEN TAKEN CARE OF, IF YOU HAVE BEEN HER FRIEND,HER PARTNER. HAS SHE SEEN YOU AS A WILLING COMPANION IN THIS LIFE TO LEARN AND GROW..EVEN IN WEAKNESS.HAVE YOU BEEN THERE TO GUIDE HER THROUGH ANY DIFFICULT TIMES..WITH OPEN ARMS.HAVE YOU HELPED HER TO ACHEIVE A GREATER QUALITY OF LIFE?HAS SHE FELT YOUR DEVOTION?                                                            I WOULD ONLY ASK THIS,AFTER YOUVE EXPLAINED THAT YOU ARE TAKING FULL RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR ACTIONS,AND THAT YOU UNDERSTAND THAT SHE WOULD FEEL EXCLUDED FROM THIS PART OF YOUR LIFE..BUT ITS NECCSARY TO UNDERSTAND HOW SHAMEFUL YOU FELT,AND THAT YOU NEVER WANTED HER TO SEE YOU WEAK..AS THATS HOW YOU FELT,AND IT WAS HUMILIATING.ASK HER TO PLEASE NOT BLAME,JUST TO TRY TO REACH THE DEPTHS OF HER HEART,BECAUSE THHIS IS A WONDERFUL OPPORTUNITY TO GROW AND DEEPEN YOUR UNDERSTANDING OF EACH OTHER,AND BE REWARDED WITH AN INTIMACY YOU MAY HAVE THOUGHT UNATTAINABLE.                                                        IF SHE HAS FELT ANY TIME,THAT YOUR HAND HAS REACHED FOR HERS WHEN SHE WAS UNSURE OF HERSELF, OR YOUR HEART HAS OPENED AND EMBRACED HER,COMFORTED HER IN ANY TIME OF NEED...THEN IT IS TIME FOR HER TO PUT AWAY HER OWN FRUSTRATION OVER THIS, AND SEE THAT EVERY MANS HEART NEEDS SECURITY AND SUPPORT.EVERY GOOD AND STRONG RELATIONSHIP HAS SEEN ITS FAIR SHARE OF SACRIFICE.THE NEED FOR LOVE IS NATURAL,THIS IS AN OPPORTUNITY TO ENRICH YOUR LIVES TOGETHER AS LOVERS AND AS A FAMILY.I HOPE SHE CAN SEE THAT,AND I HOPE YOU CAN SEE THAT TOO.ALL LIGHT TO YOU AND LOVE...DEVA
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Deva,

That waa a beautiful message to Sean. I
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Deva, Sorry for the double post.

The computer took a glitch, I was supposed to add that I hope Sean embraces your beautiful and wise message and follows it. I think you are very knowledgable in the area of counseling.

Chatahan
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That was a beautiful message to sean.I wanted to express those very thoughts to sean but couldnt find the right words.Thank goodness you could.

pixi
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To all. Just to let you know what has been going on the last week. I don't even remember where I left off. Things have gone from bad to worse.

My new doctor has been a godsend. She really cares and has made me feel good about finally getting help.

The last 2 weeks have been very painful. I haven't been able to post/email ect. I have been laid up. So my office has been off limits. I have to get a wireless system or hook my laptop up via a hub. Neither of which I feel up to doing right now. So I am going to try doing the computer on the floor under my office desk again for the time being.

I had my CT enhanced myleogram yesterday. It was the most painful test I have EVER gone through. They said it shouldn't be too bad! Well after the dye was injected in my spinal cavity I felt a ton of pressure in the immediate area. Then the pain went through the roof. From my back down both legs, all I felt was shooting pain, extreme pressure, and numbness. I almost passed out. I was completely soaked in sweat from head to toe, so was the radiology table! The doc pulled the needle out as soon as he could. He called in a bunch of people to help. There really wasn't anything they could do. He just hadn't ever seen a patient go into shock from the procedure. I was scared to death. Finally the trauma doc explained what was happening to me. He got me to breath with him until I was finally stabilized, which was about 15 to 20min.(I don't really remember). The pain and numbness was down both legs, and stayed that way until later last night.
So to make a long story short. The dye that was put in for the CT scan caused the pressure on my nerve to increase, which caused all of the pain and numbness. The space/pressure from my disc on the spinal cord was already bad before the procedure, it just got that much worse when they tried to put more stuff in the same space. So my body went into SHOCK from it all. That was the worst feeling in the world. I was glad I did it without any IV meds though. It would have just covered all of that up and I wouldn't have known how bad my back really is. It is a bad trade off, but I have really just tried not to deal with all of this because I am so scared to get surgery.
Well, today I had my appt. with the doc to go over the results and find out where we go from here. (Before my appt. I was still hoping that surgery would not be the answer)(I didn't find out fully about everything I wrote above until I spoke to my doc today) She ordered this test because she felt they missed something on my MRI since it didn't show an acute disc rupt./slip. Well they found it. She showed me the scans(About 100 pictures). It didn't take a doc to see the nerve impengement and disc rupture. Actually you can't see the nerve very well at all. The disc is pressed fully against the nerve. This is hard to write so you can understand unless you have seen it before.
So she explained what happened yesterday. Why I went into shock and all of the pain ect. She also said surgery is the only answer. I lost it at that point. I am so scared just writing this. I really was hoping this would go away like it has in the past. Until she explained her next worry - that I might have permanent nerve damage. I have dealt with this pain for about 3 years on and off. On meds for about 7 months 3 years ago, then dealt with the pain for about 1 1/2 years. Finally went back on the meds about 3 months ago. The original disc slip/rupt. happened about 8 years ago.
She went through my whole medical history prior to my visit today due to the problems with the procedure yesterday. She said this impengement has been there since my last episode in Hawaii 2 1/2 years ago. They just didn't catch it with the tests they did. About 95% of MRI's will catch disk rupt. ect. I was part of the 5%. My last MRI a month ago didn't show a major problem either. So I THOUGHT I wasn't having a problem either since the docs were telling me my tests showed a minor problem and I shouldn't be having this much pain. Well that is where mind over matter comes in. She explained the body's production of pain killers(dopamine-receptors ect. I will leave out all the medical terms) So I have been living off of that for the last year or so. Plus the body's natural tendency to "heal" itself. My nerves have rewired themselves throughout this time since I have just "lived" with it. This was also shown through my blood pressure for the last 2 years. It has been between 140-160 sys. and 90-95 dia.(which is bad?!-I don't know much about it, she just said it was) Prior to this it was 110-120 and 70-80.
She said this should have been caught along time ago. But since I haven't worked since my last episode, it has made it easier on my body and that it is hard to diagnose since I hadn't got this test done. Even with all of the other tests I have had. Which is a ton if you have read my other posts about nuclear med., bone scans, ect. ect. She said it is a "pain" to be in the 5%.
So if you made it this far!!!
I am now going to see a neurosurgeon ASAP. She has upped my meds to ease the work on my body. I also have to take my pressure 5x a day until it is down to a workable level.
I am so scared now. I hope it all works out. I was scared about the surgery before. Now I just want to get it done and hope that I don't have permanent nerve damage. It is so hard to believe this has happened to me. Just to understand what has happened is unbelievable. Then to come home alone and have to deal with this. My wife is at work and has a job that doesn't allow her phone calls for any reason, makes it that much harder. She also can't take time off for any reason other than her health. (she can't even take most OTC medicines without her special doctors approval-Its hard to explain). And we just moved here about 8 months ago, and are moving again in 3, so we don't have any real friends(except you guys), and the neighbors which just moved in last week.

So I don't know how this is all going to work out. I just wish it was over.
Chezz

Sorry this was so long. I just had to get it out. This is so hard to deal with right now.
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Hi Chezz,
I'm sending you a hug through cyberspace and good wishes. Damn, I wish things were going easier for you! Thanks for letting us know what was going on, I know a lot of folks were wondering how you were doing.

just know that we do care about you!

WW
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I hope you feel better. Body and soul. It must be very hard to be hurt as badly as you are.
Goldenbear
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So good to hear from you, I feel like such a dope with my little addiction problem and you terrible health problems.  I'm sure you will come through this, I'm sorry that you must go back to meds for these awful medical reasons.  You must be in severe pain both physically and emotionally.  I wish your wife was supportive and that you felt like you could confide in her more.  Why is it that our spouses are the last people we want to talk to but yet we long to be close to them for somebody to understand how needy we are for love and attention.  Some days I just get high and work work work and think to myself don't you see me here I am hurting and busting my ass to make your life better hey its me Debbie the one you married the one who had your kids the one that always sticks by you and asks for nothing in return.  Is that how you feel Chezz, you sound so kind so smart so gentle, why doesn't she let you open up, espically now when you are faced with this scary surgery?  thank you for posting I look for your name everyday...  You are loved and respected here, keep your chin up. dirtbag
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I had a suspicion that surgery would be the only answer. The body has a miraculous way of healing itself once the underlying cause is removed. Once the surgery removes the pressure from the nerve, the nerve should slowly start to regenerate somewhat even after eight years. Nerve cells are slow however as you already know.

I think the fear is the worst part of it along with the physical suffering to compound it. You may have been allergic to the die, many people are and maybe that is why you had such a bad shock response.

Your high blood pressure is normal for being under such stress and anxiety. 160 / 90-95 is borderline high. When I was in the DT'S my pressure was 165 / 115. That's why benzo and alcohol withdrawal is so dangerous because it raises the blood pressure to the stroke or heart attack levels.

I hope you can get the surgery soon and that it will be your saving grace. I'll be praying for you and also as I said in an earlier post, I am not sure of the spelling however----SHIG-A-NA-MAW, NAW-TAW. Meaning- We must all have stength together.

God bless and good luck,

Chatahan
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Hi. I just got back to my office. My wife came home about 10 min. after I posted. Then I had to lay down for a bit. I am going to read some now.
My wife and I got to talk about the surgery and everything. She helped calm me down.
Chezz
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Been worrying and thinking about you.  Sounds like good advice from BMAC, but I'm sure easier said than done.

We're all with you.
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Haven't checked my e-mail yet, but I will...haven't posted or written because I have pneumonia...small potatoes in comparision.

You know my heart is with you man and I am here.

pon
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Hang tuff.Don't stress over this until you see the neuro doc.
He will tell you exactly what will happen to you.I have permenant nerve damage and it's not as bad as it sounds unless
it is deblitating.Mine is tolerable.But all the siatic (sciatic) pain is gone.Only low back and butt pains left.But over all my operation
was 80% successful and that's more than I could have ask for.
Remember I had mine in 1992.Things have come along way since then.And from what you have said you will only see a good
neurosurgeon.My advice and comment to you is this.Stop adding more stress to your body by worrying over this.You are putting way too much stress on your mind and body because of something that hasn't even been done yet.If I didn't think I knew what I was talking about I wouldn't be saying these things to you.
I have been thru this.I sux but it is to relieve some of your pain,not to cause more.Take the meds and stay off your feet as much as possible.I wish you could see my films from then and I think you would understand where I am coming from.My lower spine was a mess.My whole spine was leaning top the left.From my tailbone to my neck.It hurt like hell and this was after 2 surgeries to fix two blown disc that failed miserably.
The orthopedic doc syndrome I have spoken to you about before.
You have my email address and if you need to talk more in detail
you are welcome anytime but my best advice is to try really hard to chill out and stop driving yourself crazy over this.Please.
It will make the wait alot more painful if you are always in a
knot.Understand I am trying to level with you.I made my whole experience ten times worse by stressing over it 24/7.I did.
But after 18 months of healing I was walking straight and in 80%
less pain.Let me know if I can help!By the way I had the same experience during my mylagram too.They ahd to stop before ever getting it done.Took 6 grown men to hold me down.Now that's pain.
You have my email so if you need to talk email me.
                            Bill
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Thanks for all the support, and the HUGS. ;)

Bill you make me stressed just by reading your post. LOL Just teasing. I was just upset. I'm not stressing or worrying about it. If it has to be done it has to be done. I knew that surgery would be the only way after my leg started going numb this time. It was just the shell shock of hearing it for SURE today. Then not having anyone here to talk to. I posted right after I got home from the doc.
I guess I shouldn't have said I was scared so much!!! (I went back to reread my post after I read your post about being stressed) What I really meant was I was upset, and crying. Wishing I had someone here to talk to about it. It gets lonely sometimes when you don't really have any friends to call and your wife is at work.
It is just the same as when I went through the withdrawls the last time. You have to keep positive and can't lay in bed and boo hoo yourself to death. It only makes things worse. Thats why I was over it in a week. The mental ups and downs is all I really had to deal with after that, as well as the physical pain from this.
I'm just not the type to stress out. I do get pretty bumbed out though!
My wife is supportive, she just isn't the sympathetic, emotional loving type. She does show it in her own way, just not the same as me. I also understand that she hasn't had more pain than a headache, so it is hard for her to understand that side of it too. She is also my best friend. We talk about absolutely everything, always have. She reads my posts sometimes, and knows everything about what I am going through. It is hard for me to understand how you could be married and not. I have nothing to hide. I feel for everyone that has to go through these things without a spouses knowledge. I know it has to be harder than hell. Especially when they do find out and then turn on you like Sean's wife did at first.
The surgery will be a discectomy. I should be up and running in about 6-8 weeks from what I was told today. She doesn't do surgery anymore, so I don't know the truth to it. Either way I am not going to lay around and pop meds for 18 months. No way that is going to happen.
I also got the name of the N.Surgeon I am going to be seeing. He is about an 1 1/2 away from here. He is supposed to be real good though. So I don't think I will be going back to Hawaii this time. This is all prelim. though. She doesn't really know about my doc situation and how my medical stuff works. Thats a heck of a drive though, so it looks like I may be making it a mini trip when I have a appt. Its a beach town, so maybe I can grab a hotel by the beach and try to enjoy it.

One last thing. Everybody is dealing with different issues and problems. I don't think any is more important or harder than either. When we are dealing with something it is hard, regardless of it being addiction, pain,  or otherwise. We still need the same support, help and understanding.

I am here for all of you as welllll.
Chezz

I'll get through this, just like anything else in life I had to deal with. This is just a little more painful than most I have had to deal with! ;)

I always try and find the best in things, and a little humor if I can manage. I will have to post about my trip to the pharmacy today. I have read about others visits and the absurdity we have had to deal with. I have a story that will fit right in.
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By the way, its my HOME office. My wife wanted me to make sure people didn't think I was driving or something to the office. I know I have posted it before I just wanted to make sure.
I have got my computer back on the floor so I can post more.
Actually I am thinking about mounting my screen underneath my desk, then I can just look UP at it. ;)
Chezz

Thanks again for all of you support and nice words. I feel a little wierd explaining my "medical" issues on an "addictive medicine forum"

Somebody emailed me on that. I will post it later. Some F#R$%# thought it would be nice to tell me that I should take my posts and shove them.
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Damn, It's nice to see you back!

I go and "pass the torch" so to speak, and then you dissappear, thus keeping me busier than normal! I'm sure glad seeing you post and fill us in on what's happening with you at this point...

So you just keep it up. O.K.? I mean the frequent posting. You came here to the forum, and wrote like a tornado, and dissappeared like... well, a tornado?! Last guy who did that died I think.

Take it EASY, fella'

~~~~JesseSarpy~~~~
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Thanks Jess. Well I hope I don't die. I am doing a little better now. The new meds have been helping. Hopefully tomorrow I will be feeling even better. This last couple of weeks has been pretty tough.
I plan to continue to post and help where I can. I enjoy helping and giving support.
I just need to find a better way to get my computer situation ironned out so I can continue work on my computer regardless of my health. I am going to be laid up after the surgery for sure and would like to be able to still post. Either with my office computer on the floor, or my laptop networked. The computer on the floor isn't the most comfortable. So I am going to figure something out. In the meantime I have been kneeling at my office computer. So I have been spending as much time in my office as it takes to email/post/read as much as I can and then back to laying down.
It will all work out.
I am glad to see you and all of the other "vets" coming back and posting more. It seems like the forum has been rejuvenated.
It just wouldn't be the same without you guys.

I hope you are feeling better too. The last I read you were still having some issues with the pain.

Chezz
Off to bed. Hope all is well with EVERYONE. Even the lurkers still hiding out, and all of the new people that I am sure have come since my last post. I have a lot of reading to catch up on!!!
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I'm glad your posting again, your like the rock of the forum your so honest about your problems and whats going on in your life it makes me think about something else instead of my own problem. You are so sincere thanks for being so positive, it would be hard for me to keep going if I was in your shoes. Its good to talk to someone who is so hopeful Your friend Debbie
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