I started taking Vicodin when I was pregnant with my son, the doctor prescribed them because I had been so sick and nauses that frequent headaches started bothering me. Shortly after the birth the doctor prescribed more and I just got hooked. I didn't see the pills as dangerous just kept having up's and down's and really bad mood swings always hot and cold about life. Everyone including the doctors assumed I had postpardum depression. When I looked into postpardum depression I didn't see my symptoms I didn't want to hurt my child I just was starting to loose touch on reality. My Fiance was the closest to me and I start taking my up's and down's out on him, I would associate him with my short comings, I start obessing over my failed childhood and developed a low self esteem. While no one was looking I would keep taking pill after pill, until I didn't no what it felt like to just be me. My Fiance was always gone he worked and went to school so I ended up meeting a women through my brother who seemed nice. Shortly after meeting her I found out she too took Vicodin but her's were stronger than my dose, she gave me pills every now and then and I got hooked bad. I started getting hostile, always grinding my teeth, I began to take my rage out on my fiance we were always fighting and I was never happy with anything he could have done anything It was not good enough. I held in thier sometimes glimpses of my real self would come through but then the pills would take over. I started stealing pills and buying them and things just spun out of control. When we recently moved to califonia I realized I had to stop after two years of hurting my fiance I couldn't do it anymore I tryed to read the med blogs to him but he just didn't get it. I started tapering and was doing good and then I had a cyst rupture and I relapsed. I took three pills that day and then flushed the rest down the toilet, I was freaking out so I left to my friends house my fiance was ferious and kept sending me hate text. I went home and when I woke up the next day I lost it our house guests were picking at me one of the girls was only 14 and I know i should not have been set off by a child but i became furious by what they were saying. I ran in the room and ripped out all my fiances clothes from the closet, when I heard him come in the door I walked by and just spit, I bleached his clothes, and broke a window. The next couple days were hard I went back and forth about what I had done but I felt numb. but a week into being clean I start feeling all these emtotions and they were difficult to handle I felt things I hadn't felt in two years. I start missing my fiance terribly but he refuses to speak to me because he hates what I did and was waiting for a reason to leave me. I feel like I got clean for him and that he left right at the end. I still can't determine wieter or not I could have not done what I did. I felt at the time like something had come over me, he made a comment that he saw something in my eyes and that scared me. I have been clean for two weeks and I feel things I have not felt for two years I don't even think about the pills because they ruined my life. The problem is we have a two year old and my fiance is so upset he just wants the baby he talkes to me so bad and is so deeply hurt by what I did he see's me as a monster. I asked him to seek help about addiction so he could understand but he won't and I'm at a loss of what to do. The worse thing is two days ago I called him and told him I took some pills and was trying to hurt myself It wasn't true I just had got so desperate I wanted to know if he rather have me dead. It made everything worse because now he thinks i'm crazy and that the pills were not the problem I was because to do that sober something must be wrong. My mom, and dad, and whole family are upset with me blaming me for ruining my sons life. I don't know what to do I played so many games on the pills and was so unstable know one even knows who I am anymore I feel like my whole being is defined by them, so even when I'm sober I can not escape the grief they bring. If anyone else out there did awful things or experienced some type of blackout during withdrawl or have any resources please let me know. I am feeling so lonely and so down and everyone hates me I don't know what to do because me being sober is not the same person as me being an addict but know one is listening they think it's another one of my games. (I'm Crying) I don't want to relapse
seeing a counseler of some type would help for sure..u need to talk and perhaps take care of any underlying depression u may have as well...many of abuse the pills to fulfill something we seem to be missing...do u still have ur child? u r in a depression but it is normal after stopping the narcotics..i went on a crying jag and pooured my whole life out to my mom one night..scared her to death and wished i had not done it...but we need to talk to someone and support is crucial right now...know this depression will pass that comes after detox..but sometimes there are other problems we need to address that may have contributed to our abuse...please try and get some help and support..and read up on the thomas recipe..exercise can help tremendously with depression and anxiety....also many take an AD for a bit when planning to quit the narcs
u have done an admirable thing by quitting..it is not an easy thing to do...try to stay positive and give urself credit for getting back on track....move forward with what u have to work with now..keep posting
I'm not feeling any depression now which is surprising I feel a natural high and bit of energy all day. I have been playing with my son all say and he is loving it right now, I remember he used to play with his dad like this and I would just watch now he plays with me like that and I love it. He keeps telling me i'm funny. The only time I feel down is when I talk to my X I can not remember everything that happened in these past two years and when he talks to me it's like he is talking to the devil it takes me a half hour after each call to bounce back. When I wake up in the morning I think about the things he has said to me and I get sad, then I look at my baby and get happy. I just can't come to terms with what I have done I can not believe I would be capable of such things and know one around me understands addiction so they just think I'm crazy it's like someone took over my mind for two years and now there gone and i'm all alone. I'm going to post until I work through this because if I keep emailing my x he is going to check me in somewhere because he thinks i'm a nut case! lol
God, I wish there was something I could do to help you, make things better, etc. Unfortunately the only person who is going to be able to do anything about the situation you are in at the moment, is you. I can offer some virtual hugs though *hugs you super tight*. You need someone to talk to.. If it makes you feel any better, I admire the strength and courage you've had to rid yourself from taking the pills and work on being a "clean" you.. that's something I haven't been able to tackle yet and I am also a mother so I know the guilt and shame being addicted to anything while trying to raise a small child entails. It sounds to me like you do need to seek some kind of counseling, this place is great to find people who will support you and encourage you to continue you on the path you're on, but sometimes it's good to have someone outside of the internet who you can talk to, someone who could possibly prescribe you something that will help with the depression and any other issues you may be having. On the plus side, as long as you stay active on here, it will help ALOT with that lonely feeling, trust me I know, other than the support I get here- I HAVE NO ONE.
First of all, keep your head up and when it feels like the end of the world just remember to tell yourself "this too shall pass"- things that usually do seem like the end of the world (atleast from my own experience) come to be so meaningless and minuscule in the future as long as you stick it out long enough, and attempt to make a chance in yourself for the better. I know how hard it is, AND if you ever need anyone to talk to rant/vent.. just someone to listen.. PLEASE, do not hesitate to friend request, drop me a note, or send me a message.
Now on to your specific situation, people act out everyday but I think alot of the way you acted towards your fiance and flipping out over everyone saying things to you- was a BIG part of struggling to beat this addiction. It's so, sooo hard and I can't even tell you how to deal with things properly because if I did I would be a complete hypocrite, I can't deal with my own personal demons at the moment, and no matter how hard I'm trying, I just seem to keep failing. But calling him and telling him you took a bunch of pills, even though you were just trying to get him to care enough, to see if he would come an play your "night and shining armor"- might possibly have been one of the worse things you could have done, especially if you have been strong enough to be clean now for two weeks.. I completely understand why you did it, but I honestly believe the best thing you can do right now, especially since you are saying you don't want/need the pills and you hate even the thought of them, is to spend some time focusing on you. You need to get yourself together before you go around chasing him or trying to convince people you've changed. If you could learn to embrace the fact that you are trying to change and you are trying to do the right thing and do your best to display that to everyone on a daily basis, rather than getting upset or agitated they don't already know (most drug addicts in general are amazing at pretending they are better when they aren't mind you) I think you will be ok. Just take it one day at a time and try to prove to everyone by your actions, rather than expect them to just take your word for it, that you have changed. It won't be easy but I have total faith in you. Keep posting and I know with how wonderful everyone here has been to me, you are bound to get the same response/support from them. We are all here for you, and we know better than to judge anyone. Try and focus on the good and try to get everything back into order the best you can.. like I said I'm not one to give amazing advice as I am still relying on prescription medicine on a daily basis.. just please keep posting and make sure you listen to the one's who can help you much more than I can, but like I said, if you ever need anyone to talk to I'M HERE! You are in my thoughts and prayers and I hope everything turns out for you.
PS. If your son is the thing that is keeping you together right now and he's the one making you happy, maybe you should just learn to brush your ex off for a little while.. I know by son does wonders for me EVERYDAY, he truly does keep me going, even when I feel like giving up on everything. Is it that important you contact him all that much at this moment? He may one day never be in your life like he has in the past, your son will ALWAYS be there.. he's the one that matters most right now. He will give you hope when you feel like you've run out, and energy to do the most insignificant things in the world to you that matter most to him.. I saw **** the ex lol Worry about you and your son for right now and get yourself back together fully.. everything else will fall into place the way it should eventually.. maybe him not being around will help you, who knows. Anyways, I still will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and I have complete faith you will get through this. Keep your head up and once again if you need anyone to talk to, I'm around. ;)
Thank you so much for the comment and I will IM you some time, you are right I let my emotions get the best of me and calling him and telling him that was the wrong thing too do. But I need to just stop all communication with him and worry about me, it's hard because I was a stay at home mom and now me and my son are homeless because I'm not allowed in his home and I can't give him the baby because I'm afraid I will never see him again. it is so hard to deal with what I have done and then be sober and look back and say man if I had my home and family back I would be happy. But when I had everything I wasn't happy because I was chasing a "high" But I know I have to move forward because he will never forgive me and as long as I sit around waiting then I won't get better. After four years he put me on the curb with two bags and twenty dollars, but I guess I deserved that, what else would I have expected I ripped out his heart and stepped on it all because I was withdrawling. I wouldn't mind them not believing me so much if my life was stable but not having a place to stay makes it hard because I want so badly to go back home and I can't.
She wants her life back nailed it right on the head. You need to worry about you right now and that is the most important thing. Just to let you know i was married for nine years and have a beautiful nine year old daughter. My addiction to pills also cost me my relationship this last year so i know how you feel, it seems like the end of the world and you feel completly alone. I finally just decided enough was enough and if i was ever going to be happy i needed to work on me first. I am now seven days clean and feel so much better about me. I finally realized i had to do it for me and to stop feeling sorry for myself. I also have no one to help me but in ways it is teaching me to find my inner strength and rely on me again. It feels good to be able to trust myself again. It hurt me big time to know i lost my family to this addiction and it stinks that i had to lose them to find a reason to quit. I loved my wife with all my heart but the things i put her through by lying and spending lots of money i lost the most important thing which is trust, and that is one thing that is hard to earn back. Now i do this for myself and am done trying to convince my wife what she should think. I put myself first right now and if that is selfish than sue me, i need to work on me to get better. If it is meant to work out with your honey than that will come later after you do everything for yourself and your son. I know it hard not to think of the past things you have done but you cant change the past but you can work on the future and that is the most important thing right now. I know you feel alone right now but you are not, everyone here wants you to be a better you. Give yourself time and dont blame yourself or beat yourself up right now as that is not good for your esteem. you are a great person who got a little lost but you can fix that it just takes alot of hard work but is so worth doing. feel free to message me for i have been exactly where you are and it is hard to not blame yourself. you can do it and you have more support than you think. Just keep on fighting the good fight and you will be the victor in the end. My prayers are with you always. You will and can get better.
Oh psh lol =P You did not DESERVE him to treat you that way and throw you AND your son out regardless of any circumstance- sure he had the right to be mad at you but if he was a better boyfriend to begin with he would have been trying to support you and help you get through the **** without acting the way he did. He sounds like a completely self-absorbed thoughtless ******* to me lol I would pretty much say **** HIM all together and finally start worrying about number 1.. YOU! Is there a close relative or family member/ friend you can stay with until you get yourself on your feet? And honestly, while you do have to take accountability for your actions, you don't have to be that hard on yourself.. if you were chasing a high obviously something else was wrong.. Please do message me whenever you get a chance dear, I'd love to talk more.. Hope you and your son have an amazing night<3xoxo
1. Don't play mind-games with your ex. Call ANYONE else.
2. Don't tell your ex/text/email, etc. ANYTHING that may now or in the future jeopardize your custody of your son.
3. Read point 2 again.
4. No one hates you but you. This is a very difficult challenge, but you are FACING it. This is what happens after you shut off your emotions via pills. They come back with a vengeance! I have had plenty of complete meltdowns after watching animal shelter commercials. It could be anything. This is normal and will go away. Exercise will help tremendously, plus make you tired so you can sleep.
5. Make a list of ALL of your options (ex/son/work/school/etc.). Do you have friends/family close by (or far away, etc.) that can help you when you need some help? Make a 'worst case' plan (and hope that it never happens) but at least you will have a plan and nothing is a surprise or something that you can't deal with.
6. You might also try to explain to your ex that this happened as a result of a doctor's misdiagnosis and you inadvertently got hooked, just like millions of other people. For people that can't understand (opiate) addiction, ask them to imagine a super-important life goal and achieving it - how proud they would be - how their body's endorphins would be giving them a 'high'. Now imagine that high times 10 by taking a pill. Who *wouldn't* want to feel like that all the time? But, it is unnatural - and you pay dearly for those days/weeks/years of bliss. And then the bliss goes away and you just need to stay well! What a jip! ; )
Thank you all for the comments they are helping so much. My ex hit me on the gmail chat tonight wanting to talk I tried to be strong and say no but I ended up giving in the conversation went okay then he start talking about the baby which lead me to believe thats all he is really worried about. But his concerns are not like wise parenting concerns. He wants to come see the baby next month but I don't think thats a good idea. My son missed his father so much and just stopped asking for him and crying at night. he is very close to both of us and i know if the roles were changed he would be crying for me. I know if my x comes it will only cause pain to my son after he lives because he is only two and does not understand the concept of daddy and mommy not being together I already tried to explain it to him. My x accuses my of being selfish and trying to with hold the baby from him and its driving me crazy because he the one that put us out, he could be seeing his son everyday but he so hurt by what happened that he punishing everyone and does not even see it. I'm just so tired of his games right now I feel like now i'm stable and he is not its so confusing i just don't want to relapse. Am I wrong to think he should be happy i'm sober and get over what happened during the withdrawl?
You would have to be on the other side of the coin... From what you describe he went through a lot with you.. You were never happy with him for 2 years.. That is a long time for someone not to be happy with you.. Bleaching his cloths.. You can not remember some of the things you have done..Playing head games.. Now you will not let him see his child.. It sounds like you are going to push him into a corner and he is going to come out fighting.. You have a child together you both have to think about.. The babe is not there to make you happy You are there to make him happy.. Does he not deserve the love of both parents.. You never said where you are living..
I do not mean to sound harsh or to take his side I myself em a addict.. But taking responsibility and finding a solution is part of our recovery.. I wish you and your family well. lesa.
It's okay I think this is about more than sides, it's hard to know what my addiction put our family through But I want to put my son first now. I am in Oregon and he is in california my son has never been on the bus before now or wanted for anything, and I have to see all those struggles and still be sober. I just no If I keep being punished for what I went through during my addiction I won't be able to stay sober. To me family is forever and who I am should not be defined by addiction, espically when I quit. And it was not all me is father and my x had chances to help our family alot of my stress and what drove me to take so many pills was him just not being there. when we had our son he worked full time and was finishing college he was gone from 6am to midnight everyday I felt like i was a single mom. and even when i tryed to work i lost my job when our son feel ill. Those pills replaced the void of him never being there. and its hard because he always told me he was doing it for our family and now he in california with his job and two cars and house and me and my son our homeless on the bus in the rain. Know matter what the addiction caused I didnt deserve that becuase i raise our son and I am his mother I should not have been put in a situation where i felt the only way to make it was to take the pills. It's hard and now im crying everything just went really wrong in my life and its difficult
Hon,my heart goes out to you and your son.I have to say this to you though,you can't blame someone else for why you took the pills.As much as it hurts us we have to claim the responsibility for our addiction alone.No one made us do it,we did it to ourselves,and we suffered because of what we did and our loved ones suffered because of what we did.It's hard for the people who love us to deal with all the pain and anger we caused them.They've been feeling it all along,we've been numbing ourselves to it.They've been facing what addiction does to individuals and families since we started abusing drugs,we have only begun to face the truth and feel the 'real' pain.Just like we need time to heal,so do our families.Placing the blame on someone else isn't going to do you any justice and it's only going to cause more pain and anger to your loved ones.Hon,all you can do now is take responsibility for your addiction and the pain it caused,make every effort to work your recovery,focus all your energy into your recovery and your little one,and try to make immense with your loved ones.Show them that you have changed,and that you can do this,we all know you can.We all lied so much when we were using that our families really don't have any reason to trust us,we have to show them,actions speak louder then words.I am praying that you and your little one are safe and warm and that you do have somewhere to stay.I know you're scared and hurting sweetie,but you hold on to that baby,because he needs his mommy right now,draw your strength from him.YOU CAN DO THIS!!!! I'm sending strength your way and prayers.God will wrap his loving arms around you and your little one and keep you both safe.You are never truly alone.Even though we are not physically right there beside you ,we are all right here to help you in any way we can,and we're all pulling for you.You take care of yourself and that precious little one of yours hon....and keep posting.We all care what happens to you.
I'm truly sorry for your plight as my heart does go out to you... Kim put it all so well.. I hope that the bus is taking you to your parents house or even a friend. I have been homeless with a child I know how very difficult it is.. Give things time to calm down.. He is angry and hurt.. You are angry and hurt.. When you speak to him let him see the person he feel in love with not the one the pills had built.. I'm really very impressed with the strength you showed flushing your pills and trying to reclaim your life.. Pills will not make anything better it will only make things worse.. I wish I was sitting next to you as I would give you a hug and a shoulder to cry on.. I'm up if you would like to talk.. warmly lesa
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