I hate that I'm an addict. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. I just want to close my eyes, and wake up to find that this was all a horrible freaking dream. I hate being under the influence around my Mom. The look of disappointment is unbearable. I just want to crawl in a hole. I hate being sick. I hate the mental withdrawls. I hate the voice in my head. My own voice that tells me to go ahead and just use "one more time". I hate being scared. I hate that this is what has happened to my life. I wasn't raised like this. I'm not suppose to be a junky. I hate that I'm not a good mom. I hate that my life revolves around this. I hate heroin!
Yup. I remember being in kindergarten at show and tell and I never recall saying "I want to be a junkie when I grow up"..but sadly, it happened. It had nothing to do with my upbringing, although that makes for a great excuse.
Hate the heroin and hate the disease...all the way to recovery.
Keep venting Carlie. It is healthy.
BTW...mom can handle it. She is a great lady and she knows what is going on. Her heart is full knowing that you are going to get help. What a great X-Mas gift!! You go!!!
I"ve heard people share that there glad there an addict cause they"ve met all these wonderful people in the program,,sorry folks but if I had to trade knowing everyone in here to not be an addict I would. Having said that I can say that being in recovery has allowed me to learn things about myself that most people go thru life not knowing. Its also allowed me to change even little things that make my life and others better. So I guess you can say that being an addict has made me a better person.
You're gonna be just fine! You will wake up one morning or evening and see the red in roses, and remember that you can still see the wave length of color. Then you will find a miracle. Maybe you will have a child that will teach you the miracle of life. Mabye you will find Jesus as your Savior. Maybe you will just wake up one day and stand up like a man a say, "I love you so much Mom, you mean so very much to me."
Maybe one day you will just stand in the kitchen helping her cook something without worrying about your next fix.... was it ever really a fix?
Maybe you will try to stand next to her soon and get it fixed.
Try this,,,,,,, "Mom, I don't really feel all that good today but this bozo on the internet told me to ask you if there was something little I could do for you today. And maybe after that I can do something little again. I'm hoping I can just stand for one whole day and help you here in the house.... just for one whole day.
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