Someone please take the time to read this long *** post that I am about to write, I have never told this before. I need help so bad and need someone to know what is going on , please.
This is my first post. I take about 8-10 vicodin per day. I desperatley need to quit right now. My guy I get them from does not have any and I am trying to take this as my cue to stop cold turkey. Here is my story.
My mom got cancer when I was about 9 years old and that started a downward spiral for her with abuse of pills. She was in and out of rehab about 5 times while I was growing up and moving into adulthood.
Pills started off for me when I started taking her xanax from her when I was in 11th grade. That lasted a few months and I got caught and after that I stopped. The seed was planted though...
She got cancer again and I was having some problems with my boyfriend. She always had bottles of pills around. I would go to the house and take whatever I could from her. vicodin,diluadid,methadone, xanax, etc. This was about 6 years ago. I would take the pills and take them on an on/off basis. My mom died 3 years ago in february, the day after my birthday and with her passing there was a huge supply of pills in the house. My older sister had me go to the pharmacy and have her last vicodin RX filled 2 days before she died. My sister and I split the stash of pills, and so began my real journey into this hell hole of drugs.
I took all the pills that were left and I think that that really got me addicted physically, then I learned tht my sister got a RX of vicodin everymonth. She would give me about 40 of them. After those ran out I kept bothering her incessantly to get more and so I was introduced to people thru her that I could buy them from. That is where it gets really bad.
I have about 5 people I buy pills from and it basically takes I would say 85% of my weekly check. I manage to keep my full time job and I manage to keep most of this secret from just about everyone that i know. I got married a year ago. I told my husband about my problem last February and he thinks that I have quit and do not take anything anymore. He is a typical guy and doesnt see the obvious signs, he doesnt do drugs and doesnt know how to recognize the usage. I am about $25000.00 in credit card debt because I just stopped paying all my bills. I have stolen pills from my family and friends and my life is like a secret life that I cannot keep living.
It gets worse and I am afraid to post this because I hate myself for this and am scared to death that people will not understand how i can do what I am doing.
I am pregnant, and I keep using, I keep trying to quit and it is so hard. I thought if I can get this out and really face the reality of this that I can quit.
My sister finally told my other sister and she has threatened to tell my husband what is going on if I do not quit. I want nothing more than to quit, but i have found it so extremely hard. I need to quit without anyone basically knowing, which I know is not good, but I have to. I am a good person and want to quit and to come out healthy and happy. I thought maybe I can turn to a place like this for support in quitting. I am going cold turkey because tapering off does not work for me. I have tried over and over. I need to have a mindset to do it. I work tommorrow then have sat,sun and monday off. It will be hard because I have two birthday parties and my stepkids are here this weekend. I ahve the house cleaned and laundry done so I am hoping to get some support and advice on how to feel physically better to get thru these few days and then I am hoping I will be over the worst.
I am known to all my family and friends as this person meant to have a baby, a person who loves children and I wont be able to live with myself if I cant quit and if my baby is born unhealthy. all my doctors visits have been good and the baby is growing normally but I just keep thinking the worst.
i pray to god that I can get thru this and that my baby will be okay. Can anyone lend they're support. I feel a weight has somewhat been lifted by writing this but I need to do this and I need help.
So sorry to hear about what you are going through. I am addicted to Tramadol and want to get pregnant soon. I understand what it is like to want to quit so badly and not be able to. I wish I had gone through this already and had amazing words of encouragement and advice for you but I do not yet. It sounds like you are on the right path. You can do this and when you do I'll know that I can too. The pain, exhaustion, and depression are going to be overwhelming for both of us but in the end it will be worth it. My plan is to put one foot in front of the other and hope I do not ruin every relationship I have with my mood swings and fatigue.
Wow really a sad and all to often told story. You are not alone in this, and it does not make you a bad person. A baby IS a blessing, however if i were a girl ( a big what if ) and got pregnant say six months ago could i have quit(or atleast tought i could) hummmmm, not sure.
However that being said, I do think it is all the more reason to try. You can do it. You got hooked, you can get clean. You have SO many reasons to quit, not that it makes it any easier, it just means YOU HAVE TO. See some of us like myself didnt have these very compelling reasons to get clean, does that make it easier or harder, i am not sure. I dont think it changes the very basic part of the problem, we are all addicts, we all quit for differant reasons, we all go threw differant things in our using and after, the important thing i think is that you have come to an important place in your life. You know you have a problem, and you know what you have to do.
I have no advise on the whole cold turkey while pregnant, i am not sure how that works, I would prob go talk to a doctor. I do know about quiting cold turkey because you lack the ability to taper, i was never srtong enough to taper.
As far as the w/ds I will share what i felt, of course no two people are gona have the same w/ds. I was very uncomfortable, I felt like i had a severe case of the flu, SLEEP WILL S*CK(YOU PROB WONT GET ANY), as far as the birthday parties and things, if you have to go thats what you have to do, you prob will not wanna, you can always claim to have the flu or some kind of pragnant sickness. I didnt have a prob eating altough alot of peps do. Restless legs was bad for me, I could not stop moving my feet, tosing and turning trying to get comfortable. Alot of people have severe dairahaa, again I personaly did not have this one. My body did ache all over, and really still does.
Now as too what I did to make myself feel better, I made myself get up everyday and shave, do hair, get dressed, clean house, IT WAS NOT EASY but i do think it helped me get well sooner. I also went out in the sun evryday, this helped me alot. Eating good helps, stay hydraded with things like h2o and gaterade, sleep any time you can(it be rare), mostly just look at as if your sick. When your sick you take your meds(advise and knowlege is like meds for now : ) ), you do what you can, and you worry about getting better.
You will find alot of support here, lots of people with lots of clean time. Everything i said is IMO, and i do only have 9 days clean today, so dont take my word on everything, i only said what i felt. Good luck to you, and keep posting, it helps alot to!
Also I was wondering how high a dose your pills are, mine are 10/325 and I was taking 6 a day, which is a higher dose of vic and lower one of the tylenol than other forms of vicodin. When I was on 7.5/500 I took 8 a day. I realized that was enough tylenol to potentially cause liver problems and asked the dr. to switch me. I was very freaked out because a friend told me that my dose was ridiculously high. My mom asked a pharmacist and she said it's a normal dose for someone who has been on it long term. Anyways, I'm just telling you that because it helped me to know that, like maybe it will be controllable because it's not a really a crazy amount. From what you have said it definitely is time for you to quit, but also maybe the cold turkey won't be as awful as you think, or last very long. I would try that too, and if my weaning doesn't work I'll probably have to, but I want to try this first because I can remain functional for work and school. I live really far away from my family and most of my friends so dealing with this is a little harder because of that. I hope that since your sisters know they will be there for you and help you, with things like that support makes a big difference.
What a sad story but awesome that you have reached out for help.
I'd advise telling your doctor because the withdrawal can really take it''s toll on your baby. I would've suggested tapering off as a safer option but if that's not for you maybe should see your doctor for other options. Withdrawal increases your heart rate and blood pressure which is why it can become dangerous for your unborn baby. Good on you girl for telling it like it is and keep posting here so we know how your doing.
Thinking of you
how far along are you pregnant, how many weeks? Im so glad you found this site. you have to get your OB's help..have they drug tested you yet? has your OB any idea you've been taking these at all? your doctor can help you taper, they can actually write out an RX in a unique way so that you cant fill it all at once (it can be dispensed daily in the appropriate dosage if necessary) it doesnt happen often, most dr's will just write out the full amount and expect you to do your part and taper accordingly, but for those of us who cant taper and have an understanding doctor, it can be done this way if fully explained to the doctor the need to do this. and in your case it sounds pertinant that you do it this way to avoid problems with your unborn baby. I feel so sad for you, being caught up in this helll, during a time when you should be in absolute bliss, expecting your first baby! I remember that time clearly when i was expecting my first and second child, the excitement and anticipation! It was such a wonderful happy time in my life, and i cant imagine it being marred with the HELLL of active addiction! I was lucky enough to have not yet had my probelm with pills until after they were born. But back to you, you can do this, but you will need help and support of others. You dont want to go cold turkey when pregnant, it could cause premature labor or even fetal death in severe cases. It can cause huge problems with getting high BP amongst other issues. Im not trying to scare you , just giving you some facts and trying to emphasize the importance of making sure you do this correctly.
Please come back and post and read more. We are here for you and will support you and advise you as much as possible. Im so glad you reached out here!
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