Aa
Hello--From a fed up oxy addict
Hi folks, I've been reading this message board for over a year now. You folks are fantastic!!!! It takes a fellow addict to know exactly what is going on. I've been abusing oxy for 2 1/2 years now. Anywhere from 75 to 150 mg per day. I averaged about 90 mgs but would usually spike to 150 or more on weekends. I certainly don't get "high" anymore. This will be my 3rd attempt at quitting. I made it 8 days once,10 the other. I'm 50 years young and now's the time.
Sunday was my last "official" day of work until Spring. Tomorrow, Monday, November 1st, I pull the plug. I'll have to get a part time job in the interim but I don't see myself physically able to do that for at least 2 weeks. In fact, my dear wife of 20+ yrs thinks that I'll be out tomorrow morning looking for a part time job for the winter but of course I can't do that since I know my withdrawals will kick in the very near future. Imagine that----- another lie.
Nobody has any idea that I've been living this charade for the past 2 1/2 years. (That is, at least in my clouded perception of things, nobody knows?) I do know that if I don't clean up now, I can see things getting real ugly. I've zero medical reasons for using oxy. I can't imagine going thru this with legitimate pain issues. God bless those of you who do! I was just using for what once was a high. Anyways, I'm going to need some help, and by writing about my recovery, I'm hoping that it will help me get through and also that those in a similar situation will find some sort of [Fill-in-the-blank-here] from reading my travails as I certainly have benefitted from reading others stories here.
My poor wife is and has been, in the dark about all this. She can't figure out why love making and many other "normal" things are no longer important to me and to see that in her beautiful brown eyes tears me apart. I'm about to get the killer "flu" for 5-7 days. Shes' never seen me in full blown withdrawal and I'm hoping this is my final lie. I've got the Thomas Recipe, (which I've never tried b4) multi-vits, Hylands, Valerian & Melatonin ready. Just bought a new leaf blower and am hoping to use it & the push-mower for some forced outdoor exercise the next few long-long anxiety riddled days. Rain, rain, stay away, come again some other day. (Like when I'm sober again!) My past two attempts failed because I thought it would all magically be over in 5-7 days. I didn't realize that the process takes much longer. Can anyone tell me from their own experience when I should feel well enough to tackle a part time job?
Well.....here goes! I hope I'll feel well enough to write the next few days. Sorry for all the "I's!
Thanks everybody, for listening.
Toby
Sunday was my last "official" day of work until Spring. Tomorrow, Monday, November 1st, I pull the plug. I'll have to get a part time job in the interim but I don't see myself physically able to do that for at least 2 weeks. In fact, my dear wife of 20+ yrs thinks that I'll be out tomorrow morning looking for a part time job for the winter but of course I can't do that since I know my withdrawals will kick in the very near future. Imagine that----- another lie.
Nobody has any idea that I've been living this charade for the past 2 1/2 years. (That is, at least in my clouded perception of things, nobody knows?) I do know that if I don't clean up now, I can see things getting real ugly. I've zero medical reasons for using oxy. I can't imagine going thru this with legitimate pain issues. God bless those of you who do! I was just using for what once was a high. Anyways, I'm going to need some help, and by writing about my recovery, I'm hoping that it will help me get through and also that those in a similar situation will find some sort of [Fill-in-the-blank-here] from reading my travails as I certainly have benefitted from reading others stories here.
My poor wife is and has been, in the dark about all this. She can't figure out why love making and many other "normal" things are no longer important to me and to see that in her beautiful brown eyes tears me apart. I'm about to get the killer "flu" for 5-7 days. Shes' never seen me in full blown withdrawal and I'm hoping this is my final lie. I've got the Thomas Recipe, (which I've never tried b4) multi-vits, Hylands, Valerian & Melatonin ready. Just bought a new leaf blower and am hoping to use it & the push-mower for some forced outdoor exercise the next few long-long anxiety riddled days. Rain, rain, stay away, come again some other day. (Like when I'm sober again!) My past two attempts failed because I thought it would all magically be over in 5-7 days. I didn't realize that the process takes much longer. Can anyone tell me from their own experience when I should feel well enough to tackle a part time job?
Well.....here goes! I hope I'll feel well enough to write the next few days. Sorry for all the "I's!
Thanks everybody, for listening.
Toby
LOL....Make that Toby.
One of our son's names is Cody and he's been on my mind lately. And that's a good thing.
Keeping strong,
Toby
One of our son's names is Cody and he's been on my mind lately. And that's a good thing.
Keeping strong,
Toby
Andrew,
Thank you my friend. Your support has been crucial!
I have much to give thanks for this year. No counting pills for the Holidays is just one of those thankful things.
On guard, saber drawn, and true to my goal, yours in the good fight........
Cody
Thank you my friend. Your support has been crucial!
I have much to give thanks for this year. No counting pills for the Holidays is just one of those thankful things.
On guard, saber drawn, and true to my goal, yours in the good fight........
Cody
Toby, You are doing great and always with the positive attitude. I hope you have the best Thanksgiving ever. We do have alot to be thankful for this year. Andrew
24 days clean.
I'm no longer an emotional basket case. That makes me sad. It was fun being a happy, happy, happy mushy emotional basket case. But that only lasted about a week. Now I'm levelling out. For instance: Our daughter told me yesterday that she was going to go get her car washed and I didn't break down & cry for joy at the mere thought of her smiling in a car wash.
Sleep: Some nights very good, some nights the slightest noise will wake me. Often several X's a night. I've considered muzzling my wife and locking the cat in the basement. But I AM getting enough sleep to function on a normal to high level.
RLS: ZAP! Totally gone. That hairy worm coursing thru my right leg has hit the road.
Energy Level: After 3 yrs eating oxys I've forgotten what energy is but if it means that you don't feel tired all day long then Man...this must be energy. I get a little tired late in the afternoon but who doesn't? A quick protein drink softens the blow. L-Tyrosine & 5HTP (50 mgs) has also helped. In the initial 2 wks of withdrawal I took 1,000 mgs of L-Tyro each morning on an empty stomach. For the last 2 wks only 500 mgs. I plan on stopping both L-Tyro & 5HTP very soon.... at the one month clean mark.
Sneezing: Still at it. I must be allergic to crushed leaves. I can't possibly still be sneezing out the toxins. Or could I?
Love life: Thank you, God, from the two of us.
Determination: The key to my recovery. Somehow, throughout this battle...my 3rd and hopefully final apocolyptic battle...... I've always held the high ground as far as a positive attitude is concerned and that has given me a pronounced tactical advantage.
Lying to those you love: Not anymore.
The BIG question: Urges. The need to feed the addict. I've had only one oxy related dream thus far. A few mornings, just b4 heading to work the thought has hit me. Surprisingly, I've had very few urges to relapse. Each time, aftercare, meetings, etc and the mere thought of WD's have squashed the thought. I hope it stays that way.
HAPPY Thanksgiving and many sincere thanks to all here!
Toby
I'm no longer an emotional basket case. That makes me sad. It was fun being a happy, happy, happy mushy emotional basket case. But that only lasted about a week. Now I'm levelling out. For instance: Our daughter told me yesterday that she was going to go get her car washed and I didn't break down & cry for joy at the mere thought of her smiling in a car wash.
Sleep: Some nights very good, some nights the slightest noise will wake me. Often several X's a night. I've considered muzzling my wife and locking the cat in the basement. But I AM getting enough sleep to function on a normal to high level.
RLS: ZAP! Totally gone. That hairy worm coursing thru my right leg has hit the road.
Energy Level: After 3 yrs eating oxys I've forgotten what energy is but if it means that you don't feel tired all day long then Man...this must be energy. I get a little tired late in the afternoon but who doesn't? A quick protein drink softens the blow. L-Tyrosine & 5HTP (50 mgs) has also helped. In the initial 2 wks of withdrawal I took 1,000 mgs of L-Tyro each morning on an empty stomach. For the last 2 wks only 500 mgs. I plan on stopping both L-Tyro & 5HTP very soon.... at the one month clean mark.
Sneezing: Still at it. I must be allergic to crushed leaves. I can't possibly still be sneezing out the toxins. Or could I?
Love life: Thank you, God, from the two of us.
Determination: The key to my recovery. Somehow, throughout this battle...my 3rd and hopefully final apocolyptic battle...... I've always held the high ground as far as a positive attitude is concerned and that has given me a pronounced tactical advantage.
Lying to those you love: Not anymore.
The BIG question: Urges. The need to feed the addict. I've had only one oxy related dream thus far. A few mornings, just b4 heading to work the thought has hit me. Surprisingly, I've had very few urges to relapse. Each time, aftercare, meetings, etc and the mere thought of WD's have squashed the thought. I hope it stays that way.
HAPPY Thanksgiving and many sincere thanks to all here!
Toby
Just a quick comment as I'm about to leave town for 3-4 days......................No worries!
Damn does it feel fine not to have to count pills, cut pills, wrap pills in tin foil ( I shoulda' been wearing a tin foil hat for 3 yrs.) and then parcel them so they stayed hidden yet ready at a moments notice each time I would split the 'ville.
4 straight nights of 8 hrs sleep. Still sneezing. But able to deal with life. 19 days now. Each one better than the other since about days 9-10.
Toby
Damn does it feel fine not to have to count pills, cut pills, wrap pills in tin foil ( I shoulda' been wearing a tin foil hat for 3 yrs.) and then parcel them so they stayed hidden yet ready at a moments notice each time I would split the 'ville.
4 straight nights of 8 hrs sleep. Still sneezing. But able to deal with life. 19 days now. Each one better than the other since about days 9-10.
Toby
Bless you both. Andrew & Gnarly you guys ROCK!
I know I need aftercare. Thank God I've taken that step (in two seperate towns over 100 miles apart!) it feels too damn good to chance a relapse now. I'm feeling some really weird things but I think they're good things. Thanks bros!
Toby, I gotta get some sleep and the good news is I know I CAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I know I need aftercare. Thank God I've taken that step (in two seperate towns over 100 miles apart!) it feels too damn good to chance a relapse now. I'm feeling some really weird things but I think they're good things. Thanks bros!
Toby, I gotta get some sleep and the good news is I know I CAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hey Toby good to see you hanging in there you willl have good days great days and days that just su ck...its all part of this that why we do it just for today....every day will have its own challenges...im happy to here your seeking out aftercare...it beats have to do this over and over again your attitude rocks your going to be one of the ones that makes it out of this mess good job my friend good job....and yes its only going to get better healing takes time
but each week that goes by you will make gains good luck and God bless....Gnarly
but each week that goes by you will make gains good luck and God bless....Gnarly
Toby, So proud of you. You always sound positive even when you don't feel so hot. I have been in sales my whole life and we have always said "fake it till you make it" it really works. Hope you have a great week at work, and keep that guard up.
I hope you learn how to accept friendship requests, I am sending again. It should tell you where to click to accept. I am going to have to give you some tutoring, lol. Best wishes to you friend. Andrew
I hope you learn how to accept friendship requests, I am sending again. It should tell you where to click to accept. I am going to have to give you some tutoring, lol. Best wishes to you friend. Andrew
One more semi-cogent point before I take my leave and hopefully get another 8 hrs of well earned zzzzzzz's------
"He was too old, old, old, to rock & roll, roll, roll..... but he was too young to die."
Music is sating, stimulating and can be healing for the soul once your soul......is reawakened. Thank God I'm alive once more. Keep fighting that fight..........
Toby
"He was too old, old, old, to rock & roll, roll, roll..... but he was too young to die."
Music is sating, stimulating and can be healing for the soul once your soul......is reawakened. Thank God I'm alive once more. Keep fighting that fight..........
Toby
Andrew/Fassfeat & all who read this,
I too, do hope that those who are struggling will read this and prosper. My first 2 attempts at quitting failed because I didn't have a gung-ho, take no prisoners attitude. My first attempt at quitting was one yr in. My second, 2 yrs in and now my 3rd, 3 yrs in. This is the longest I've ever made it by far. We are talking about life & death here. It was/is finally time to fight for my life. I want it back. I gave 3 yrs away. Those 3 yrs cost me much that I hold dear.
So far, so good. Earlier today I made the comment that here, near the end Day 17 clean, I don't quite feel like Fred Flintstone yelling YABBADABBADO!!!!!!! But I'll be damned if I don't feel better than Barney Rubble on a decent day. I've slept for over 7 hrs EACH of the the last 2 nights. My mind is crisper. Fried for so long, so......so long but now there is that old spark whistling a slow but determined whistle and it really feels good to know that it will only get better with time.
I've always loved my wife. Adored her, really. We have 3 wonderful children, 2 grown and married boys and one 20 yr old daughter and 4 grandchildren. I have a family. I'm just now getting them all back. Funny, when we're using we fool ourselves into thinking honky is dorry and dorry is honky & that all is honky-dorry. I'm trying to make amends and I think I'm succeeding. My poor wife, I'm gonna wear her out but I see she's enjoying it, afterall, it's been 3 yrs. [wink]
I went to the doctor today for the first time in 3 yrs and was told that I'll live forever if I can just get my blood pressure a bit lower. I think my BP's high because of my withdrawal. I kind of sugarcoated the WD's here but we all know better. The only thing that got me thru was/is my positive attitude. Now, I'm hitting aftercare. And that's a good thing.
I'm going out of town again for work, until next week, in the next day or so. I'm looking forward to it this time. All in all, I'm pretty damn proud of myself.
Thanks to all, for listening. And Andrew, only I can know how that thing you have in your soul has touched me. You are a fine man. Finer than you know. Thank you!
Toby
I too, do hope that those who are struggling will read this and prosper. My first 2 attempts at quitting failed because I didn't have a gung-ho, take no prisoners attitude. My first attempt at quitting was one yr in. My second, 2 yrs in and now my 3rd, 3 yrs in. This is the longest I've ever made it by far. We are talking about life & death here. It was/is finally time to fight for my life. I want it back. I gave 3 yrs away. Those 3 yrs cost me much that I hold dear.
So far, so good. Earlier today I made the comment that here, near the end Day 17 clean, I don't quite feel like Fred Flintstone yelling YABBADABBADO!!!!!!! But I'll be damned if I don't feel better than Barney Rubble on a decent day. I've slept for over 7 hrs EACH of the the last 2 nights. My mind is crisper. Fried for so long, so......so long but now there is that old spark whistling a slow but determined whistle and it really feels good to know that it will only get better with time.
I've always loved my wife. Adored her, really. We have 3 wonderful children, 2 grown and married boys and one 20 yr old daughter and 4 grandchildren. I have a family. I'm just now getting them all back. Funny, when we're using we fool ourselves into thinking honky is dorry and dorry is honky & that all is honky-dorry. I'm trying to make amends and I think I'm succeeding. My poor wife, I'm gonna wear her out but I see she's enjoying it, afterall, it's been 3 yrs. [wink]
I went to the doctor today for the first time in 3 yrs and was told that I'll live forever if I can just get my blood pressure a bit lower. I think my BP's high because of my withdrawal. I kind of sugarcoated the WD's here but we all know better. The only thing that got me thru was/is my positive attitude. Now, I'm hitting aftercare. And that's a good thing.
I'm going out of town again for work, until next week, in the next day or so. I'm looking forward to it this time. All in all, I'm pretty damn proud of myself.
Thanks to all, for listening. And Andrew, only I can know how that thing you have in your soul has touched me. You are a fine man. Finer than you know. Thank you!
Toby
Toby, You are doing so good. I wish everyone that is struggling would read this entire post. You prove the power of a positive mindset and determination. Keep on keeping on. You are doing great. Congrats on sweet sixteen. Andrew
Friends,
Dawn of Day 16. "Sweet Sixteen".
7 blessed hours of sleep last night. 7 straight, consecutive, unconscious hours of bliss.
On Day 10 I had a complete blood test done. Results came back yesterday. Remember Jack LaLanne? The fitness freak who was going to live forever but managed to die anyways? I made him look like a pansy. Except for my BP but I'm going to the doc for a full physical tomorrow to take care of that.
Just wanted to share the good news and am hoping this sleep isn't just a freak occurrence. It's only 5:07 AM right now but I'm wide awake and ready to head out the door in an hour. A busy day awaits and I don't have to worry about scoring or how many pills are in my pocket. Thank you, Lord.
Toby
Dawn of Day 16. "Sweet Sixteen".
7 blessed hours of sleep last night. 7 straight, consecutive, unconscious hours of bliss.
On Day 10 I had a complete blood test done. Results came back yesterday. Remember Jack LaLanne? The fitness freak who was going to live forever but managed to die anyways? I made him look like a pansy. Except for my BP but I'm going to the doc for a full physical tomorrow to take care of that.
Just wanted to share the good news and am hoping this sleep isn't just a freak occurrence. It's only 5:07 AM right now but I'm wide awake and ready to head out the door in an hour. A busy day awaits and I don't have to worry about scoring or how many pills are in my pocket. Thank you, Lord.
Toby
I just read through this entire thread, this a very nicely put together journey toward recovery, Toby. I wish you the best of your continued recovery.
Toby, It is 76 days for me. I just caught up on your posts. Good to hear that your attitude is still great. Always makes me smile to read your descriptive posts. Glad your weekend and work went well. Congrats on 2 weeks and God Bless. Andrew
gnarly,
Good to hear from you. I'm not sure if your moniker should be gnarly or guru. I've read your stuff. You speak straight. In my estimation, you are a man nearing the top of a mountain, equipped with parachutes but not afraid to fly on your own. I respect that.
Know that you are admired and that your word has true value.
The rest is up to me. Thank you for pointing to the correct fork in the road.
I actually feel sleepy right about now. 12:15 AM. Problem with the hot bath solution is that I'm way to tall to fit in a bathtub. A hot shower beckons.
You're OK dude. Really more than just OK. Thanks.
Toby
Good to hear from you. I'm not sure if your moniker should be gnarly or guru. I've read your stuff. You speak straight. In my estimation, you are a man nearing the top of a mountain, equipped with parachutes but not afraid to fly on your own. I respect that.
Know that you are admired and that your word has true value.
The rest is up to me. Thank you for pointing to the correct fork in the road.
I actually feel sleepy right about now. 12:15 AM. Problem with the hot bath solution is that I'm way to tall to fit in a bathtub. A hot shower beckons.
You're OK dude. Really more than just OK. Thanks.
Toby
Hey dude just got done reading your thread welcome back to the other side....sleep still got ya aaa? try a hot bath....I mean as hot as you can stand it lay in it 5 or 10 min if you can
then get out hit the bed on top of the covers dry off from there once dry just lay there and air cool by the time your cooled of you should be relaxed enough to sleep.....I know we beat this drum a lot but nows the time to plug into aftercare the mental mindscrew of doing this brings down a lot of people it the next thing your going to be adding to you list plug in now and be ahead of it so you dont get blindsided both N/A and A/A offer free programs
and it will teach you the skills and give you the tools to remain clean and sober
you have a lot going for you your attitude rocks keep it up .....I wish you all the best in your recovery good luck and God bless
then get out hit the bed on top of the covers dry off from there once dry just lay there and air cool by the time your cooled of you should be relaxed enough to sleep.....I know we beat this drum a lot but nows the time to plug into aftercare the mental mindscrew of doing this brings down a lot of people it the next thing your going to be adding to you list plug in now and be ahead of it so you dont get blindsided both N/A and A/A offer free programs
and it will teach you the skills and give you the tools to remain clean and sober
you have a lot going for you your attitude rocks keep it up .....I wish you all the best in your recovery good luck and God bless
I posted this on the Social Addiction forum about a week ago. Hopefully, somebody here will find it as inspiring as I do. It concerns the good fight.
It's my modified mock up of Henry V's St. Crispin's day "Band of Brothers" speech of 1599 AD to his warriors that are poised to shed blood in the fight of their lives. Kind of like going thru oxy withdrawals...only worse. Apologies to Shakespeare. Somehow, it all seems relevant to me and I copied and printed it and now keep it in my wallet to read in those moments of weakness & temptation. It's a 15th century version of the 12 steps:
"We few, we soulful few, we band of addicts;
For he to-day that sheds his oxy with me
Shall be my brother; be he ne'er so vile,
This day shall gentle his condition;
And gentlemen in the throes of addiction now-a-bed
Shall think themselves accurs'd they were not here,
And hold their manhoods cheap whilst any speaks.....
That fought with us upon our oxy deliverance day."
Toby
It's my modified mock up of Henry V's St. Crispin's day "Band of Brothers" speech of 1599 AD to his warriors that are poised to shed blood in the fight of their lives. Kind of like going thru oxy withdrawals...only worse. Apologies to Shakespeare. Somehow, it all seems relevant to me and I copied and printed it and now keep it in my wallet to read in those moments of weakness & temptation. It's a 15th century version of the 12 steps:
"We few, we soulful few, we band of addicts;
For he to-day that sheds his oxy with me
Shall be my brother; be he ne'er so vile,
This day shall gentle his condition;
And gentlemen in the throes of addiction now-a-bed
Shall think themselves accurs'd they were not here,
And hold their manhoods cheap whilst any speaks.....
That fought with us upon our oxy deliverance day."
Toby
wiggles11,
Do you hear the cheeseburgers birds too?
Keep fightin' the good fight bro!
Do you hear the cheeseburgers birds too?
Keep fightin' the good fight bro!
holy ****! im going through the same xact thing! the only difference is age but i feel for you man! please message me anytime
I haven't yet been able to catch up on the other threads here for the last 4 days. I sincerely that those fighting this good fight still hold the sword and if they dropped the sword that they have the strength to pick it up again and slay the demon.
A few observations near the end of my 14th day of Independence from Dependence of those little green demons............
1) Sneezing. Still Damn near mortal after 2 weeks clean. Like a dam bursting or giving birth to quadruplets. Very nasty.
2) Lovemaking with the gal I loved for 20 years after a drought of almost 3 long years..... I'll spare the details. Suffice to say we're both very much more in love than two weeks when I was more worried about my next oxy score than whispering sweet nothings my beloved wife. It was wonderful to once again see the beauty of pleasure and that spark in her brown eyes.
3) RLS, subsiding, there is now only a slight nightly feeling of a huge hairy worm coursing thru the arteries of my left leg. This too, shall pass.
4) Music......yes Music. Rythym, Blues, Grunge. You name it. All of the sudden I can hear again. Marvin Gaye and candlelit evenings are
somehow an emotional catharsis. ZZ Top, instead of sounding like a 3 piece utilitarian band now sounds like a 24 piece Texas orchestra and the vibrancy of it all has awakened yet another lost love. I'm worried about my renewed love of the early to mid 90's Grunge rock music as most of those fellows have died as a result of the addiction that I'm still battling. All in all, however.....Hey Man----I can DANCE!
5) Work/Making a living. We all have to do it. Took me 12 days until I figured that I could at least give it a shot. My job entails public speaking. I am paid to talk to anywhere from 1 person or as many as 60 people at a time for anywhere between 2-4 hours at a shot. Horrifying when you're in the midst of a viscious mental, physical and emotional battle versus an addiction that will determine the rest of your life. I was worried about my anxiety level and whether or not I could still accomplish the task after suddenly being clean for the first time in years. I was also worried about exploding into a sneeze-fest at an innoportune moment or moments, plural. Worse yet...I knew I was suffering from a lack of sleep (see # 6) and worried if my my brain could keep up with my mouth and whether of not the two could unite in a coherent manner? ..............I kicked ***. As Alfred Nueman is fond of saying, "What? Me worry?" Even at about 75-80% mental capacity (75-80% mainly because of the adrenaline kick one feels while speaking to a rapt audience, Right now for instance, I only feel about 60-65% alert ) regardless..... I did 100% better than when I was stoned. My "supervisor/boss" made a point of letting me know that I was hitting on more cylinders than previously. Damn, did that feel good. Notch a point on the confidence chart.
6) SLEEP. Lack thereof. Wet pillows. Hot one second, freezing the next. Feeling very tired yet unable to catch winks. Last night I slept from 10:00 PM until midnight. Laid awake until 3:00 AM reading then dozed off and awoke at 4:45 AM. 3 hours and 45 minutes of sleep. I did got to work this morning but, luckily, I was able to leave by noon. It's amazing what one can accomplish while sleep deprived. Work went very well. Valerian Root and Melatonin at this point are basically just false mental crutches. I've semi-convinced my brain that they are working but my brain is not really that gullible. Sleep deprivation is by far the toughest foe I've encountered during this recovery. This too, shall pass, and when it does pass........well, I'll just take this one day at a time and look forward to the night that I'm no longer wide awake listening to the cheeseburger birds and the tick-tock of the damn clock.
Shout out to Andrew/Fassfeat! How many days clean are you now? More importantly....my heartfelt Thank YOU.
Truly,
Toby
A few observations near the end of my 14th day of Independence from Dependence of those little green demons............
1) Sneezing. Still Damn near mortal after 2 weeks clean. Like a dam bursting or giving birth to quadruplets. Very nasty.
2) Lovemaking with the gal I loved for 20 years after a drought of almost 3 long years..... I'll spare the details. Suffice to say we're both very much more in love than two weeks when I was more worried about my next oxy score than whispering sweet nothings my beloved wife. It was wonderful to once again see the beauty of pleasure and that spark in her brown eyes.
3) RLS, subsiding, there is now only a slight nightly feeling of a huge hairy worm coursing thru the arteries of my left leg. This too, shall pass.
4) Music......yes Music. Rythym, Blues, Grunge. You name it. All of the sudden I can hear again. Marvin Gaye and candlelit evenings are
somehow an emotional catharsis. ZZ Top, instead of sounding like a 3 piece utilitarian band now sounds like a 24 piece Texas orchestra and the vibrancy of it all has awakened yet another lost love. I'm worried about my renewed love of the early to mid 90's Grunge rock music as most of those fellows have died as a result of the addiction that I'm still battling. All in all, however.....Hey Man----I can DANCE!
5) Work/Making a living. We all have to do it. Took me 12 days until I figured that I could at least give it a shot. My job entails public speaking. I am paid to talk to anywhere from 1 person or as many as 60 people at a time for anywhere between 2-4 hours at a shot. Horrifying when you're in the midst of a viscious mental, physical and emotional battle versus an addiction that will determine the rest of your life. I was worried about my anxiety level and whether or not I could still accomplish the task after suddenly being clean for the first time in years. I was also worried about exploding into a sneeze-fest at an innoportune moment or moments, plural. Worse yet...I knew I was suffering from a lack of sleep (see # 6) and worried if my my brain could keep up with my mouth and whether of not the two could unite in a coherent manner? ..............I kicked ***. As Alfred Nueman is fond of saying, "What? Me worry?" Even at about 75-80% mental capacity (75-80% mainly because of the adrenaline kick one feels while speaking to a rapt audience, Right now for instance, I only feel about 60-65% alert ) regardless..... I did 100% better than when I was stoned. My "supervisor/boss" made a point of letting me know that I was hitting on more cylinders than previously. Damn, did that feel good. Notch a point on the confidence chart.
6) SLEEP. Lack thereof. Wet pillows. Hot one second, freezing the next. Feeling very tired yet unable to catch winks. Last night I slept from 10:00 PM until midnight. Laid awake until 3:00 AM reading then dozed off and awoke at 4:45 AM. 3 hours and 45 minutes of sleep. I did got to work this morning but, luckily, I was able to leave by noon. It's amazing what one can accomplish while sleep deprived. Work went very well. Valerian Root and Melatonin at this point are basically just false mental crutches. I've semi-convinced my brain that they are working but my brain is not really that gullible. Sleep deprivation is by far the toughest foe I've encountered during this recovery. This too, shall pass, and when it does pass........well, I'll just take this one day at a time and look forward to the night that I'm no longer wide awake listening to the cheeseburger birds and the tick-tock of the damn clock.
Shout out to Andrew/Fassfeat! How many days clean are you now? More importantly....my heartfelt Thank YOU.
Truly,
Toby
Toby, you are killing me. Every time I read your posts, I laugh so hard. You have a way with words. I remember getting the old libido back.. haha. Have a great weekend and don't over do it. You have the rest of your life to catch up. Thanks for the laugh. Your friend, Andrew
LOL DayToTry!
This "schoolboy" was sneezing like a drunken/sober porcupine all day on Day 10.
Today is day 11 and I still haven't sneezed. Yet.......Gezundheit!
Yes, I'm looking forward with trepidation to this weekend, at least part of it. Not sure if I'll be posting or not as I plan on being somewhat preoccupied making up for lost time but I certainly will post when I return home. Hopefully, with a big smile on my face. ;)
This "schoolboy" was sneezing like a drunken/sober porcupine all day on Day 10.
Today is day 11 and I still haven't sneezed. Yet.......Gezundheit!
Yes, I'm looking forward with trepidation to this weekend, at least part of it. Not sure if I'll be posting or not as I plan on being somewhat preoccupied making up for lost time but I certainly will post when I return home. Hopefully, with a big smile on my face. ;)
Well I can't believe you'd still be sneezing on day 10!!! So does that mean you won't be able to post while you're away?
Have fun this weekend schoolboy.
Have fun this weekend schoolboy.
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