Help, I'm so Alone & Can't figure out how to stop...

[JJStone]

I do not know what I can do & I feel so trapped in this life. I've lost so much but I know that I'm on the verge of losing everything that I've done & everyone I work so hard to care for and love. I own a successful business & have (4) children & I'm still married at the moment. I was introduced to Prescription Pain Killers @ age 17 by my Mom & I've been an addict since, I turned 40 this year. We obviously make our own choices in life & I lost my mother 9yrs ago & do not blame her at all. It was a poor decision she made, but it was done with the best intentions in that moment in time. I injured my back then & its only gotten worse over the years because the career path I took.

I'm simply sick & tired of the rollercoaster ride. I so sick & tired of being treated like a criminal at pharmacies & doctors offices because I'm just trying to live my life day to day & provide for my family & feed my (4) children. I go to an honest doctor & I am given a legit prescription to curb my Chronic LBP so I can function & god forbid if I want to be able to walk normally or play with my kids.  I'm told lies about how my medication is "On National Back Order" or shunned & looked upon by a pharmacist like I might hold up the place because of the stigma that surrounds the whole topic. I understand that there are some many opinions on the proper treatment & prescribing PK's but that doesn't change the simple facts that there are so many patients currently in this country that were put in the situation they are in by a Doctor for legit reasons. To make a person suffer that bad & for no real reason beyond policy or rules isn't right.

That truly wasn't the motivator for my post today, but rather some of the reasons why I feel so alone & how no matter the suffering I endure, It can not compare to how I don't seem to have any way off this god damn rollercoaster without the loss of everything that I hold dear. My choices have been taken for me & If I go into a program & help myself, I will lose my business, If I lose that, I lose my home & then my family. I cant just disappear for 30days or more. Its so frustrating to simply have to sit and watch it all slip away slowly & then add the fact that its becoming harder & harder to find my meds to even feel good enough to not want to just pull in the garage and shut the door & leave the car running....so lost, so alone, its an awful feeling....

[atthebeach]

Any long term use of opiates causes increased pain.
Hyperalgesia- opiate induced pain.
Your brain is rewired. It makes more opiate receptors.
So it needs more opiates to fill the receptors.
Post opiates the extra receptors shut down,  die off, rewire
.this process takes months, but most people have less
Pain once off opiates after long time use.
It takes a few months to re-evaluate the true pain levels.
Alternative pain management, chiropractor, massage, exercise,
Tens machine, acupuncture, injections.

There is freedom from the chains and bondage.

[Dadtc74]

CONGRATULATIONS!!!! You should be proud! I only started taking these things because my attorney told me if I go 3 years with no medical help my workers comp case would be closed. So I went to his Dr. He prescribed me meds and I didn't take them...... at 32 I didn't even know these things had a street value until I seen a guy getting thrown out of the office for having no trace in his urine. So I started taking them and they helped my pain - 1st time anything helped me. The rest is history! I do have pain everyday. If I exercise daily I could cut my pain to 5 days a week, I am wondering if I can try taking these as needed - ALA an Aspirin? but I highly doubt it. I have much to consider in the next few weeks.

[NeverAgain127]

You are not alone.

I too, own a business, and support my family.  And like you, I am a chronic pain patient.  I have severe disc disease in my back, and other issues as well.  

I was prescribed oxycodone.  Every single month, I had to take time out to drive to my doctor's office to pick it up, then drive around to find a pharmacy that even HAD it in stock.    I endured nasty looks from pharmacists, and was even called "drug-seeking" from one.  

C VS is AWFUL.   I had a pharmacist yell at me, in clear earshot of at least a dozen other customers "you're not getting your 'happy' pills today!"

I reported her to the Department of Health for a HIPAA violation but nothing came of it.  

Many times (I took opiates for 8 years) my doctor went on vacation or the office closed early and he "forgot" to leave my script behind.  What I then went through in the following days was insane.    Rationing what little pills I had left; going thru early withdrawals.  

I felt demeaned and humiliated every few weeks.   And don't even get me started on the druggists who SHORTED my monthly allotment.  This happened to me so many times that I started requesting that the pharmacist count out the pills in front of me, before I even TOUCHED the bottle.   This spawned a whole new issue; they'd do a five-count...so fast, they could easily be making a mistake. So I'd insist on a two-count.    You'd think I had asked them for their first born child.

Sigh.   So besides this insane rollercoaster, there was there was also the issue of how long term opiate use was affecting my health.  I began to experience memory loss.  I fell asleep at my computer.   Friends would tell me I was in a fog.    And of course, the pills stop working.  

I couldn't afford to go away to a 30 day anything.  So I weaned down to 10 mgs of oxycodone a day and then just stopped.   I thought it would be easy.  It wasn't.    

But it was doable, and I was able to work after one week.  (The first 4-5 days, I HAD to be at home...)

Now...how do you deal with the pain that you were taking the meds for to begin with?   Sigh...not easily.   I'm exercising, and exploring non-surgical ways to handle it, but the truth it...I just may have to live with pain for the rest of my life.  I know...it sux...

Only you can decide what you want to do.   Discuss it with your doctor; I did, and he was very supportive and helpful.  I called him almost every night for the first week off the oxy.    It is quite unpleasant, but not life threatening.  You just have to expect to feel like you have a bad flu for a week, and then it will get better slowly over the course of a month.  

Try not to think in terms of catastrophes...you won't lose your business, or your home.   You're smart, and you'll figure this out.   Life is almost never black and white, even though, when we are overwhelmed and upset, it seems that way.  

Good luck honey.

Hugs
-Robin

[Krissy_123]

Oh ouch ya,that's 90mgs a day. But it's deff doable,lowering your dose is a great start for sure. But to be on that dose you must have a lot of pain. I'd look into alternate pain therapy if you haven't already? I'm 3 months off the oxycodone right now and yes I feel a big difference. I feel like I woke up from a long dream state. My emotions are all over the place still,but they are MY. Emotions not a synthetic drugs emotions. :)) so I'm proud of myself. I still get little sleep (it's 1:30am here now) but sleep is the biggest symptom to get through,or lack of it I should say. I wasn't able to wean. Wasn't strong enough,if I had them I took them. I was down to around 30-35mg oxy when I quit 6-7 5mgs a day. It varied. Which is a low dose I guess considering what I read. But I was on them daily for 11 years. Just remember you can do this if you want to. Don't stress and don't be scared. Just go slow and taper off if need be. If you're as to ween that's the best way because the withdrawls will be minimal. :)) goodluck to you!! Keep posting too.

[Dadtc74]

Thank you. I know I can not just stop. I am taking 10mg percocet (3X's) and 20 mg Oxycontin (3X's). My Doc is strictly pain management so I do not know she will just end it. I could prob cut to 2 per day as I did for a few months 2 years ago due to insurance.

However the Depression / lack of emotion and more so the lack of MOTIVATION is beginning to worry me!!! I am definitely dependent and I guess addicted if the supply would be cut off as I read your response to me.

Did you notice a big difference once you were cleaned out? I am starting to think I may see night and day difference, even though I am still totally with it mentally, just slacking when I have down time or when I  am my own motivator doing household chores or balancing check book etc.

Again thank you soo much as I pray for JJStone who started this thread

[Krissy_123]

Dadtc74 stop taking your pills for a day or two and see what your body and mind goes through. It's good you take them proper. I was on oxycodone for 11 years. The last year or two I took pretty well as prescribed. But there were days I had more pain and took a few extras which made me short. I learned the hard way what withdrawls were. Opioids cause severe memory loss,they suppress your emotions to feel real joy or sadness....weather you're an addict or not. They can cause issues with your heart,liver and kidneys and cause severe depression. No not everyone is an addict that takes them. But with long time use you will either become addicted or dependent....there is a very fine line between the two and it's easily crossed. I'm not saying this will happen because I don't know what meds you're on,but there could be a day soon your doc will be like the rest of them out there and buckling down and not giving opioids out anymore....that will be the day you find out if you're addicted. The panic will kick in of where will I get them now.....I hope for your sake it doesn't. But a life on opioids is a false life without real emotions.

[Dadtc74]

Is everyone on prescription pain meds an addict? I have been on the same meds and same dosage for almost 15 years. (10mg fast release / 20 mg extended release each 3X's daily) I did cut back on my volume about 12 years ago (4X's daily) when I switched doctors by choice as I felt my original doctor was not right - he has since been shut down. Now I can not skip a day of my meds, but my Doc tells me I will have little problems getting off on my own with less and less mg's. I am thinking about getting off my meds only to be sure I am not damaging my body or mind. I never run out, never had to street purchase or borrow and usually have a day or two extra dosses at the end of the month....Just looking other opinions outside of the Dr prescribing them. I am working and successful, I coach, plan to start my own business but I seeing soo many horror stories.

I do have a son that is a heroin addict but does not live with me and I am practicing the tough love stage of our relationship.....I guess I worry if I do reconnect with him i do not want him thinking I am using or have them to tempt him.

[Krissy_123]

You have to look at what's important. Most of us lose a lot well using. But quitting you get your life back!! What's more important than that??it is possible to detox at home,but it's imperative that you seek aftercare. Na/aa meetings. Counsler. You need to get the root of why you take the pills,and have a support system so you don't go back. I don't think you should lose your buisness taking a week or two off work to detox will you? It's time to decide if your life is important enough to let some things go? We have all had to do it. I'm sure your husband loves you and will stand behind you. We didn't ask to be addicts,sh¡t just happens sometimes.

[CRSeaside]

Hi. You've found help and you won't be alone. We can and will support you every step of the way.
The last time I had surgery I was surprised by the pharmacy being out of drugs. It happened to my girlfriend after her carpel tunnel surgery too. I think C vS is the worst.
I think something changed as part of Obama care. Or the gvt. Is losing the real war on drugs so they are attacking victims of real chronic pain. It's terrible. I want to cry when I read some of the story's of those pain clinics hurting old people in wheel chairs by canceling their contracts. It's a national shame.
  But back to you. Many people detox at home. If you want to quit it isn't necessary to lose your home and go away.
  I'm probably one of the few on the forum that still advocate a long steady taper in contrast to the abrubt discontinuance of opioids. But I can and do follow my Drs orders. Many can not. If pills are on hand they just take them all. Each addict and personality is different. The drag about the long steady taper is you will feel slight wds at different intervals of the taper. Another bummer is you know every day you are quitting but if your Dr wants it that way, you still have to take the tiny doses.
So the big plus to the give it all up now or Cold turkey is that you have instant gratification. In both cases you've already made up your mind, but with the CT it's On! You suffer like the flu for a week and continue to work on the mental attraction for good.
  So, I'd suggest you talk to your Dr to see his or her input. Then follow instructions. We don't give specific taper guidelines on the forum as we are volunteers not Drs.
    Either way. You'll quit when you decide. Sometimes it's something someone said or did or these new rules. There's always a tipping point where your positive you want to give up opioids. You may be there.
   When you're ready being prepared is better than just being scared. Knowledge is power. And this medhelp forum is the best group I think on the Internet or in public. It's so comforting to hear all the success story's.
  It's also full of compassion and understanding.
    So post anytime. We're here to just listen or cocomiserate  or give our experience of what worked for us and what to expect, so you know it's normal.

[motye51]

You sound very familiar to me......I am a 43 year old mother of 4, have a good husband, and a small business that feeds our family that my husband and I both own and run.  You've gotten caught up in the day to day rungs of addiction. You are soooo not alone b/c there are tons of people like you and me on here with the same damn problems.  Started taking pills for the extra energy they gave me to continue my day of carpool, work, after school activities, house, yard, marriage, etc.....and it didn't take long to get to the point where I just couldn't be down the amount of time it took to get the **** out of my system. Always telling myself, next weekend, I'm going to quit....fast forward 7 year later.
Do you want off this roller coaster????  If you do you need to make a plan. Does your husband know?  You will need people in your corner to help push you through this.  I understand you can't be out of work for any length of time, but if you make a smart plan, it can be done.
Is this something your ready to do?