Help Please: worst day so far!

[ZJILLIAN]

Day 46 and this is the worst day so far. I am far enough away from physical WD to feel better but new enough to crave intensely since nothing in my life has changed. Terrible night with sick husband he has developed new symptoms and I am worried sick. My demented father who lives with us is driving me crazy. It is dark and cold and raining. I am angry and alone in a foreign country (Costa Rica, Central America), without my old support system. It's only you guys. And you've been the reason I have been able to get so far this time.

I can't believe how easy it would be to use again. I feel the feeling and long for the relief. I am sick of being "strong" here . I am bored, tired, cold, and restless with chores to do and miles to go before I sleep.

[Revcharberry]

Z.. I have only 'known' you for a short but you helped me to get through a very tough time.  If it rains again, bundle up (with no umbrella)  go for a walk and allow the rain to 'baptize' you.  It is liberating and it actually feels good.  You are a wonderful, caring woman who reaches out to comfort others now you must reach inside and comfort yourself and allow these postings of your 'family' to get into your innerbeing and hopefully the love and comfort will drown out the cravings.  I will pray that your physical location will not suck you in and that your husband's health is recovered and even that your father in-laws dementia does not drive you demented(smile).  I know this is late and you are having a good day but at least you can store it in your arsenal in case of temptation again.  Thank you for getting me through this week with your kind reminders and words.  Love, Peace and Blessings...Rev

[GottaQuit]

YOU were on my mind A LOT yesterday, but just found these posts now. I had intended to send you a note to see how you're doing -- The Universe must've been trying to get my attention yesterday ... So sorry you had a bad day ... and I'm so relieved that today's better!

Your story has touched so many ... You are ongoing proof that EVEN AFTER getting past the awful pain and suffering of physical w/drawl, there are days far down the line where the DESIRE to use nearly suffocates you.

You are SO wonderful and strong and helpful to many in this Forum .. YOU are the one with words of encouragement ... YOU are the one who sent me to read kolo13's "Don't end up like me" ...  But at the end of the day, only YOU can control YOU... and YOU won!

You're awesome, and I continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers!
XOXO

[ZJILLIAN]

Today is a new day! It is now Friday morning and I feel much better. LOVE FRIDAYS...that's just left over from schooldays.

Thank you all so very much for your support. It made it possible yesterday to keep going without drugs.

Thinking of all of you and sending you strength and gratitude.

[bmdad]

You have come so far! Just remember the strength it took to get past the first few weeks. If you ever turn back you will have to go through the same 47 days all over again unless you plan on taking pills the rest of your life which you know you don't. I think once we hit the one month mark we can be so vulnerable because we think we can get by just taking a few pills for the day to get that feeling we use to think felt so good. The problem is a few pills turns in to a few more and that one day turns in to couple more days. Then the part comes to where we will quit tomorrow. That tomorrow doesn't end up coming until we've buried ourselves right back to where we started. And then the cycle starts all over again. You know it's not worth it so just keep on fighting!
Like others have said, you have to occupy your mind with other thoughts. If we just sit around and stare at the wall the cravings won't just get up and leave on their own. It sounds like you really enjoyed working in the one room schools. You should really get back in to that. Helping others gives us a great sense of accomplishment and just makes us feel better overall. This alone could be the one thing that keeps you from going back. For most stress can be our worst enemy by triggering our cravings. With what you are going through with your father and husband right now cannot be easy. I pray that you as well as them can make it through this. Just keep going strong. I can tell you are very educated in general and also in what you have to do to live a sober life. You did the right thing by getting on here and posting. Words of encouragement can go a long way. I wish you the best of luck and know that with each passing day the cravings will get easier and easier. Hang in there!
Brian

[dellta]

hi hang in there im on day13 and cravings are just as hard as the w/d man i hope your ok i do watever i can even folding socks to stop from thinking about it good luck to ya

[ZJILLIAN]

You are right about the social stuff. I have completely withdrawn socially. I tell people I am a hermit, a recluse. I started the addiction thing when I was a kid and found to me extreme delight that i COULD HAVE FUN at a party stoned. I think my best memories of my marriage (40 years) was when we were both stoned.

There is much to learn. The joining something is really very possible. When I first came here I got real active in the little one room school houses in the mountains around where we live. I was teaching English in several different programs for little kids, teenagers, teachers, and college students. And after my husband got sick along with Dad getting harder to manage I just dropped out. The drugs were the answer. So now I am looking around again. Like a mole that has been hibernating all winter and is now blinking its eyes in the sunlight.

Thank you...I will test out new things.

[Astray]

Another thing that seems to help is social stuff, even the most basic random conversation with strangers helps. Anything is better than sitting at home effectively alone, even though you are not physically alone if that makes any sense...

I've found it hard to force myself to go out but everytime I've done it I've felt better afterwards, I expect you are much better socially than you were before even if you do not feel it. What the The Eagle says about a hobby sounds good advice, is there any society or club you can join nearby? It doesn't really matter what they do, just to have somewhere you can go and be a normal human being would be very beneficial I think.

[ZJILLIAN]

I am so touched that you would write to me. Really! It is so hard for me to ask for help. To admit the reality of the situation and that I am feeling helpless to fix it alone. It is hard for me to really understand that I am an addict (although this has been going on and on since I was 19. 40 years ago.( Aged hippie).

All of you have helped me today more than you can know. You are right about posting this. You are right about exercise (today I didn't exercise). You are right about the difficulty of my situation. Without the built in deterrent of prescriptions I have no control. It's like living in a candy shop having diabetes.

I just finished washing the floors on hands and knees--It was my therapy--It helped. I will stay online. I know that drugs make everything worse, and I need to care about staying alive.

It is amazing how self-conscious and vulnerable this not using can make me feel. Thank you all.  

[122 Tactical Fighter Group]

Hang in there!  You are at the textbook times for PAWS and cravings.....and stress doesnt  help a bit (I just lost my Mother - I was sole caregiver for incontinent non-ambulatory Mom - I know how you feel)  Yes. It would be easy to score and numb out again - - - - - - but guess whats gonna be there the next time that you need to quit?  The world wont change. You have to change. Sounds like you are identifying triggers that begin cravings......now you gotta change coping mechanisms. Pills dont solve a thing for more than an hour or two ........and then they take a week or two to recover from.  And then the merry go round spins faster.......... Distraction therapy works well for this  - -  find whatever takes your mind off the urge to use and work on developing that.  Lot of Web Sites and support are available.........and I know that you are a respected member of a 24 hr community of people facing the exactly same things that you are.  And they will support you with suggestions, jokes, and prayer anytime that its needed.......You made the proper choice to post this - - its a fact that most cravings are a sort of bio-neurological short circuit......they usually recede within 15-25 minutes.....  Have you thought about a new hobby of some sort?  Could involve any type of effort or time involvement - - just re channel that energy!  I started doing Heroin in 1969 at a place called Phu Bai - - and I have a solid history with narcotics...drugs really.......  If I can put an almost 40 year habit to rest i know that anyone is capable of going the distance.......Yesterday was the only easy day.  Obstacles are what you see when you take your eyes off the goal.  Stay goal focused!  

[Astray]

Hang in there!

You have been a great help to me and no doubt many others so please don't give in now. I hope your husband is OK.

I can't exagerate how much difference exersise makes, obviously you can't go far from home right now but is there anything you can do in the house or garden if you have one? I can track my mood down-swings precisely to the day after not having exercised.

Clearly you are in a dangerous position, theres many reasons why Costa Rica is making your continued recovery harder, the lack of support, easy access to your DOC, difficult domestic situation, etc. Is there any way you can move or change anything? I doubt you feel you should but if the pressures of your situation cause you to relapse thats no help to anyone.

Please try to ride through this, usually these dark periods both of us have had have only lasted a day or two.

[SwtGyrl69]

I hear ya....But remember what you have been through....You are a WONDERFUL person ...dont let this get you down ....It will pass ....Try to do something for yourself ...I know its hard and no time for yourself always giving to others but you will be rewarded in the end sweety......Stay in touch...HUGS!!!!

[twolve]

Please stay strong. You know this is just a moment of weakness and it will pass. You did the right thing my posting. If you truly wanted to use again you would have done it, but instead you posted. That is a great sign.