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Help for my daughter
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Help for my daughter

I am finding myself in a position that I never thought that I would be in. My 20 year old daughter is addicted to oxycontin. I am scared to  death and really don't know what to do. She lives a half hour away. I have been dealing with this knowledge by myself and it has been hell. I finally told her stepdad today, that went better than I thought. He says to make her come home for now. I think that is best but how do I get her to? Yesterday she quit school. She is spiraling. She has a script for suboxone strips but who knows if she is using them or will stick to it.
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I am sorry you are going thru this.  Did your daughter tell you about this?  She has to be ready to give this up on her own or nothing you do or say will make a difference.  You said she has a script for Suboxone....Do your homework on this stuff.  A short term stint with this along with therapy is the best.  It comes with its own set of problems if not done the right way.  Recovery care is the best tool she can arm herself with whether it be NA/AA, substance abuse counselor etc.  Using is only a symptom of what really goes on with us.  As for you, learn all you can about addiction.  Alanon is a great support group and will teach you the tools you need to help your daughter.  Enabling her isnt the thing to do.  Dont give her money right now.  There will be many guilt trips and anger.  Addicts are masters at the mind game......

This isnt hopeless and your daughter can and will get her life back on track.  Just please educate yourself as that will help your daughter more than anything.  We have a couple really wonderful ladies on here who have loved ones that are addicted and i know one of them will be around at some point today.  Keep us posted........sara
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My husband is an addict and currently over 2 weeks into detoxing from Suboxone.  It is a murderous drug to get off if you've been on it for more than a month.  I've seen it all: The draining bank account; the staggering, the falling-down, the speaking-in-tongues and handling snakes in the middle of the night.  The worst part is seeing the real person still in there screaming because he can't stop the destruction by himself.

Sara is so right to advise that your daughter get involved with NA, AA or some kind of addiction counselor.  See, the idea behind using Suboxone or methadone (both powerful opiates) to detox from opiates is to provide the patient some stability in life.  No more spending the day trying to find enough of the drug of choice just to be normal or chasing after a euphoria that is not longer available to the brain.  Having a stable dose of opiate from a safe and legal source allows the patient time to work on life without having to reach for a pill every time something goes wrong.  Therapy is not a guarantee of success, but it sure does up the odds IF it's the patient's choice to do it.  After a certain amount of time working on the mental angle, the sub or methadone dose is tapered down, eventually to nothing.

There is no way to completely avoid withdrawal.  When your daughter gets to the point of actual detox, she WILL have some withdrawal symptoms.  If she works with a doctor who is knowledgeable about addiction, there are non-narcotic meds that can help her through it a bit easier.  

I'm afraid you and your husband may be in way over your head if you attempt to deal with this alone.  First, you have to ask your daughter if SHE wants to stop using.  She has to be 100% deadly serious about it and agree to work some kind of therapy program or you'll end up supporting an active addict in your home.  

You have to learn to set some personal boundaries when you live with an addict.  Make some household rules and stick to them.  Actions have consequences.  For example, make it a condition of housing her in your home that she participate in a rehab program.  If she comes home and you find any evidence of illegal drugs or that she's obviously high, she goes out the door and receives no monetary support from either of you.  Yeah, tough love is REALLY tough.  Active addicts take hostages, and they use emotion and love as a weapons.

Please think about what Sara said about Alanon or Naranon for you and your husband.  You don't have to speak, but attending a few meetings should help you both better understand what you're dealing with and how to deal with it.  

Hang in there and please keep posting.  You need an outlet too.  And don't forget to let yourself get angry.  Scream and cry and shred a telephone book if you have to, but get it out.  It feels pretty good!  :-)
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Thanks jaybay!!!
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Hi...I have to agree with Jaybay, suboxone if not used properly can be HARDER to withdrawal from then the oxy. I believe the key to a successful detox from suboxone is a knowledable doctor who will dose the sub accordingly. What I mean by that is, I had a 200+mg a day oxy/perc addiction and I took only 8mgs a day, while some docs would have me on 16+mgs a day.

I also believe that the time spent on the sub makes a difference also, this was not intended for a maintenance program..I am dropping my dosage by 1mg every 2 days so I won't be on it more than 2-3 weeks tops. Since I'm doing small drops every 2 days I have felt fine.

Another thing is aftercare. Counseling, AA, NA, or a therapist is a must...addicts use for a reason--addiction is a SYMPTOM, to what we feel inside. Sometimes we might not even know what the problem is..lol..but it can be anything. I, myself have problems w/ depression and anxiety and because of this I actively used for many yrs.

You are a wonderful mother who is in a HORRIBLE situation, it hurts soo much to see our children hurt.I know you will do everything in your power to help her, however, it's a fine line from helping to enabling so this is why you must educate yourself on addiction. Read this forum, post, go to ALANON, there is a wealth of information out there...

I will keep you and your family in thoughts and prayers...Lisa
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Avatar_f_tn
Thank you both for your responses. I am not sure if I am using this the right way, but you are so right. I do need an outlet. I went to a naranon meeting the other night. I was scared and first and burst into tears as soon as they started, but it did get better and it did help. Sadly enough, I knew two other people there. She is in a program, suboxone and counseling. She seems to like the counselor but as soon as someone starts to get to close she pulls back. She seemed to be doing well at first then she had three wisdom teeth pulled and last week ended up in the ER with a 6.5 mm kidney stone. I wouldn't let them give her pain meds and I guess she quit taking the suboxone and went somewhere else. I know I have to get tough. It is hard. She and I are very close and she knows how to manipulate me. When I first confronted her she denied, denied, denied. Finally she admitted it and told me that she had tried to quit but went into horrible withdrawls. She kept telling me she had restless leg syndrome and was having horrible nightmares. After doing all my research I now realize what all this is. I don't necessarily want her to come home forever, but at least to get healthy. She needs people who love and support her, not just laying in bed all day. I don't know. What I really want is to have her go somewhere and come out clean. With her, I know that this start with emotional and she is running away from her pain and trying to numb it. I guess part of this is I feel guilty for letting her down. She was always such a strong willed, full of life child that this is so foreign. I guess that isn't entirely true. Something happened when she was 16, I don't know what because she won't talk about it. That changed her. I have tried since then to get her help, she has always been resistant to counseling. She claims there is nothing, but that is when she started to change. Of course that is around when we moved in with her step-dad and his two younger kids. I guess I feel like I let her down by spending time with them when I should have been with her. She is such a talented and beautiful girl and I see her fighting, but then she seems to want to retreat into never never land. I can see that the drug has taken hold and is controlling her. I am terrified. I feel like I have become obsessed with this; that is all I can think about. I feel physically ill, almost like I am going thru withdrawl (withdrawal) with her. I want this all to be over.
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495284_tn?1333897642
Please continue going to these meetings.  You feeling guilty is a very common feeling and you need to work thru this to help you and your daughter.  Feeling this way doesnt always provide the most constuctive settings.  Let yourself feel the pain you have.  Its okay to cry and its okay to be angry.  The daughter you know and love is still there.           sara
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Thanks Sara.
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We are always here and open 24 hrs a day so keep posting.      sara
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Avatar_f_tn
The biggest issue that I am having is fear followed by lack of trust. I worry that she will either die or get arrested. The first would ruin my life, the second hers. The trust issue is hard. I find myself doubting everything she says. I don't want to appear non-supportive, but she has lied so much that it is really hard to trust anything that she says.
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495284_tn?1333897642
Once she cleans up and gets into recovery her actions will speak louder than words.  My dad used to tell me you can lose trust and your reputation in a day but you can get that back with time and positive progress.  Its okay not to trust her as she has lied over and over to you.  Your daughter is a good person, her choices arent.  This is why we tell you to keep going to these meetings.  They can help you help her in a supportive way.  

I know and understand the fears of death and being arrested on both sides of this.  It is torture, plain and simple.  Hopefully she will come around real soon.  Talk with her about your fears.          sara
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1401949_tn?1296047324
Well your story is almost a carbon copy of mine. My daughter is also an opiate addict. I feel your pain.the constant worry of a call that this time she did one too many, or that the cops picked her up for something.... The worries and list is never ending.. I have been beating my head off the wall for 2 years now. The constant lying is just a given, just take most of itg with a grain of salt. Especially if its to obtain any money, trust me its not for what they say its to get their daily fix. My daughter has stolen from family members, places of employment... So never drop your guard. My daughter was a sweet honest person till this addiction got her and now she is a whole different person that I don't even know. The advice and support that I have gotten from this site is amazing. Just remember you cannot fix her!! Stop beating yourself up over the should of could ofs cause you did not give her her addiction. She did and until she wants to get rid of it you are defenseless..pleas contact me any time through this site, I am available, and I know what you are going through!! God bless!
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I hear some new found strength in you!!

I am glad you are both here~~~~sara
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Thanks Sara you can pat yourself on the back for that!! You have helped me so much!! God Bless!
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Avatar_m_tn
HI....it  breaks my heart every time a mom comes in here looking for help with there kids
I know exactly what it feel like my daughter took to the streets as a crack/meth addict
and she was only 13....we went threw several years of hell with her living on the street or in jail more then she lived at home....we trying everything rehabs conslors n/a the court system nothing worked until she wanted to change...I wish there was a fairy tail ending
but it took a near fatal auto accedent  2 weeks in the hospital then 2 yrs of jail....she found recovery in jail im happy to say she is going on 22 and has been clean since 16 so theres always hope....if your daughter is on sub and getting consoling there is hope you cant get high if your taking sub and the conslors will help get to the root of the problem....moving her in for support and love is a good idea but I agree with the other posters you need to set up boundary's we had to do the tuff love with our daughter and its not eazy both my wife and I attended alonaon meetings it really does help about
the only other thing you can do is pray....we use to pray that God would keep her alive
the things that happened to here on the street are unmentionable here but threw therapy she has worked threw them and lives in recivery...if you just need to talk or someone to lissen to you....I have been there and know the pain it causes feel free to message me...I wish you all the luck in the world...I truly hope your daughter is ready to change it sounds like she is off to a good start keep posting to let us know how it goes
and if you need support where out here to help....God bless.....Gnarly
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Avatar_f_tn
Omg I love u for trying to help ur daughter. This has made me cry. Plz do not give up on here. I myself am addicted to pain pills. And I am young like ur daughter I think the first thing to do like they said is make sure she is ready to quit bcuzz u can't help someone who won't help themselves. But with that being said if she is ready u need to give her a week to come off of the things and go throught the body aches and all that hell. But I think what will help her the most after that is the love from u and ppl who really care about her so try to keep her busy dooing funn clean healthy things. I know I prob didn't help much but I wish both of u the best of luck
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Avatar_f_tn
Thank you. I don't know what she is thinking. Actually I don't think that she is thinking at all, I think that oxy's are running her life. She shows moments of being the same beautiful girl I know and then I feel as if I don't know her at all. I am trying to do what naranon told me and detach a little. It is hard though. I know I can't protect her anymore, but that doesn't mean I don't want to. I think that she has determination to quit but then it almost reminds me of the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other. She wants to be good but there is always the oxy whispering in her ear "I'm here, let me make you feel better. Just one won't hurt". This morning when I looked her bank account was overdrawn by $70. The math is already going in my head, $30 bucks a pill.... I liked it better when I didn't know anything about this. Those days are gone. I am sure she will deny and have some excuse for the money but deep down I already know. Tomorrow she has her counseling session. We will see if she goes. At this point I think that she needs to be removed from this area all together and go somewhere to detox completely. Suboxone is not a long term answer and she should get it all out at once; I am sure it will be pure hell and certainly more than I can handle here especially since I have a 12 and 14 year old at home. This breaks my heart and makes me angry. She should be stronger than this. That isn't fair, I know that. I have read enough to know that her self-determination and will-power probably went out the window the first time she took an oxy. Are you in treatment? I hope so. You can do it. It won't be easy, but then again nothing is; it will certainly be worth it. My hope is that she will become clean and then work to counsel other young people who are losing their lives as she is. She has so much to give, I just wish she knew it.
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Avatar_f_tn
Thank you.  How do you deal with it? The stress of this has become overwhelming and feels like it is taking over all of my life. I  have a hard time focusing, can't eat, can't sleep and will suddenly burst into tears for no apparent reason. I know I have to put  up a wall and not listen to her lies, but it is so hard. I so want to believe her and yet I know that I can't. When I talk to her some of the time she sounds like herself, then off she goes. Has your daughter sought treatment?
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Avatar_m_tn
i will tell you what my family did for me. i was a OC person till i couldt find them and moved to herion. every day was hell. finally my brother tract me down and said either i come with him or else (he gave me a few options). he took a week off work. made me leave my dogs and wife and stay with him. it is now day 3 of withdraw and he has not seen the worst but has done his homework on what to expect. it is very hard to get help by yourself. there are to many obsticles. my brother has stayed awke with me and showed me this site and signed me up. i wish you the best of luck and it wont be easy. but it will save her.
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Avatar_f_tn
I am happy to hear that you are getting clean. You are lucky to have a brother who is dedicated to loving and saving you. I am trying with her. I hate to say it, but I am a little afraid of her. Not normally, but I just don't know what she will do. Every time I think about it, I feel physically ill. I would rather go thru this than have her have to. I realize that she made the decision to start this, I just wish she would look at herself and figure out what pain she is trying to kill. There is nothing that can't be fixed if  you are willing to fix it. God bless you and good luck.
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Avatar_f_tn
Things will appear calm but underneath I am a bundle of nerves wondering when the next thing is going to go wrong. She sounds/seems good today, but that can be very deceiving. I think what makes me so sad is watching the dreams that she had and that I had for her disappear one by one. I hope and pray that  she can get this under control before something terrible happens.
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Its just crazy how all their hopes and dreams fade away with each day they are in their addiction. My daughter talkes about getting clean, but a lot of times she is just blowing smoke at me. Letting me hear the answers I want. So until she takes the steps to get help for herself my hands are tied. How longhas your daughter been using. And how long have you known.
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Avatar_f_tn
She started using sometime after she moved out in February. I figured it out on her birthday. She and I were out to dinner and she went to the bathroom taking a tylenol bottle with her. When she came back out she seemed different. I didn't confront her that day. Later that week the entire family went out to dinner for her birthday and I could tell she was high. I confronted her the next day. Of course she denied all of this. This was in the end of May, beginning of June. I got her help in the beginning of June. She did great until the end of July beginning of August and fell off. Went to another Dr. then and she was put on suboxone and counseling. For the first few weeks seemed to be doing ok then same thing. She has a counseling session this morning and she asked me to go with her. I don't know if she wants me in there or if she is doing this to make me think that things are getting better. I guess time will tell. I am going to talk to her today. She needs to get away from the people that she knows, I don't know how to make that happen but it needs to. Unfortunately most of her "good" friends are away at school, all that appear to be left at home are the ones with issues or that don't really have any aspirations for life.
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Hopefully she will take the option and get herself clean. I know what you mean about the old friends, compared to the new ones. My daughter has lost all her old friends and is now hanging with alot of undesirable people to say the least.
  Just dont let yourself be sucked into the mental game our kids can play on us. I have heard so many I will or I'm getting betters. It is a ploy to make us feel better. I honestly beleive this. Does she openly talk to you about her addiction? Mine does and sometimes I would rather not know. But it is good that we have an open line of communication. Just remember as long as she wanting to do the drugs, no matter what you do or say it is not going to matter. Just speak your peace and pray that she will turn around and realize what is going on. Do Not beat yourself up, it is out of your hands!!! Good luck and God Bless!!!
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Avatar_f_tn
My daughter has been staying with us for the past three days. The first day was  really rough. She was going thru withdrawl (withdrawal) and it wasn't pretty. Yesterday was much better. She seems to have come to the conclusion that she cannot go back to where she was living. I am trying to be realistic and not get my hopes up. We shall see.
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Hi ladies.....Remember it is okay to have those doubts about what they say to you.  Our actions speak louder than words.  This all takes time and the trust takes a long time to get back for us addicts.  I am so glad you 2 have found each other on the forum!!  Just make sure you are both taking care of yourselves thru all of this.......sara
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Thank you.  This has been a big help to me. I really appreciate being able to get your perspective on everything.
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So glad she is trying to go clean. How are you holding up?? Its got to be rough watching and not a lot that you can do. This sight is amazing isn't it how you can find out what you can expect and talk tgo others in simular situations.ours and our daughters..( Thank you Sara for your help.) And I am praying for your daughters recovery and strength for you and your family during this time..
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Avatar_f_tn
Things appear to be a little better. She went back to her own place earlier this week. I don't think she is using because the money hasn't been going out like crazy like it was before. She is planning on moving back here when her lease is up in the end of the month. I think that will be good for her. I told her that she has to decide what it is that she wants and what kind of life she wants. The people that she knows aren't going anywhere except to prison or a grave. She has to want more than that. I am trying to not let it all get to me, but my anxiety level is much higher than usual. I guess that isn't entirely true, it has abated a little. I am just trying to take it one step at a time. I see glimpses of my daughter every day, that gives me hope. However, I am trying not to get my  hopes up too much.
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1401949_tn?1296047324
Glad to hear it, hopefully it will continue. And like you said have hope but not too much. Check out with your doc if need be about the Lexapro, it has worked wonders for me. But everyone is different. Good luck to you and your daughter, and God bless. Keep in touch.
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Avatar_m_tn
HI been following your story sounds like your making progress it will do good to get your daughter away from that environment to get clean you need to change persons places and things it will be good that she moves in with you she can have a fresh start...keep us up to dat on how things are going....encourage her to stay in consoling and if you can get her to check out a N/A meeting....she can meet some new clean friends there as well as be around other people in recovery .....I wish you the best of luck with this I know exactly how you feel
good luck and God bless.....Gnarly  
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I see you and Sara are doing a good job with helping these Mom's. It's great we have the Internet at our fingers. As for help for the addicted! Unless one has money, or good inc. I see little help for the ones who want help. I remember in the 70's and 80's there were a few good halfway houses. They were pretty much run from donations, and welfare. Once a person was admitted. They had them sign up for welfare. And the monthly checks were used to run the house. One of the houses were run by ex addicts. And the councilors were all graduates from the house. It was a 2 year program that tore you down. Just to build you up. And get you ready for your new life as a self supporting member of society. Although I didn't finish. I did learn from it. Are there any places like that anymore? If not, there should be. The drug scene is a bit different than it was for me. Getting drugs was much harder then. Now they have Dr's that are pumping out the stuff. As for suboxin and methadone! Great stuff, if you want to spend the rest of your life on it. Try and get off that stuff is worse than any heroin withdrawal I went through. I was a junkie for 17 years. I've been clean for 25 years. After many halfway houses, and drug clinic's. I just got tired of everything I did to myself and family. So I weaned myself off methadone, and never looked back. But it wasn't over just yet. In my 13th year of my addiction. I remarried. Yes I married a junkie just like I was. Although I had quit. She found it hard to get off the methadone clinic. But after time, and a few failures. She came around. I keep my eye on her though. Keep the good work up.   John
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Avatar_f_tn
Well, I have been going for awhile, but myself and my daughters addiction are back with a vengence. I guess that I was kidding myself when I thought that moving her back home would help her overcome this. For the first few weeks it really seemed as if she was doing great. Then, the night that I am leaving to run my companys Christmas party, I discover right before I left that she had stolen a bunch of checks from us and was writing them out and depositing them into her account. All hell broke loose. She admitted that she has a big problem, she can't stop taking the drug or she gets sick. I put her into detox on December 21st and she remained there until Christmas Eve. The hospital was supposed to help her to get into a long term rehab, but of course we ran into all sorts of BS with Blue Cross and Blue Shield of Florida. It took me two weeks, and speaking to 14 people spending about 50 hours on the phone to finally get her into some place. They tried every way that they could to get out of having to cover my plan benefits. I have a new found disrespect for them. So now, my daughter is leaving Sunday to go into a long term rehab. I was hoping that she would already be there, but they are full. How sad is that. What a sign of our times.

Things were going well in our household with her and all family members being supportive until the other night. I told my husband that I had found a place and they would take her Sunday. I told him that I was trying to get her in early. He wanted me to go away to visit his family this weekend. Of course he pushed it with her to go early and they got into a knockdown dragout fight. Both said some very ugly things to each other and now are not speaking. I told him that he needs to go and take the other two and I will stay here and deal with my daughter. I can't leave for the weekend and then come back and drive her 4 1/2 hours. Not only that, I wouldn't trust leaving her here alone. She has stolen checks, money and I am suddenly missing a diamond ring.  How could I possibly leave. I told him that parenting is not always conventient, but it is a lifetime committment.

I am happy that she is going in on Sunday. I just pray that we can make it until then.
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