Help from painkiller addiction

[arrow1234]

This is my story:

I have been taking hydrocodone pills everyday for the past 9 months. I average 20 to 35 pills per day and have only gone clean once for a 7-day stretch but then relapsed and have not missed a day since. I started taking painkillers for fun and knew/know a dealer so it was no problem to get as many as I can pay for. The feeling I got (especially the first time) when I took 3 was indescribable - I was happy, clear-minded, and felt that life is just perfect in this state. When Ifirst started, I would take a few when I woke up in the morning, then around lunch time, then in the early evening - the days would seamlessly pass by; work was actually fun, I was able to relate to everyone and it was a pleasure to do my job. The only problem was that I start to build a tolerance very quickly (without consciously noticing) and I was taking more pills more often in order to achieve the same sensations. I still chase the sensation, which I get every so often but now I am dependent on the pills to start as well as get through the day. My main concern is to have enough pills at any given time to not worry about getting more. My focus is no longer on life and my loved ones, but how I can experience my life and time with my loved ones while feeling the sensation I get from the pills. Once the pills wear off and reality sets in, I can't think about anything but getting more. It's as if I am subconsciously lying to myself when I logically know that I can't keep living life like this...

I am a 25 year old male with a prestigious college degree and currently work a full-time job in the energy/finance industry, which I have kept without any disruptions since I graduation. I have a loving family who does not know about my addiction neither do my friends nor colleagues. I cannot sleep at night because of the guilt my addiction has on me, but as soon as I wake up I reach for the pill bottle to pop 6 10/350's before getting out of bed; I repeat this process 4 to 5 times per day... It's like I forget the damage I am inflicting on myself as soon as I take my morning's dose and which I keep repeating throughout the day. I only start to consciously think about what I am doing to myself when the evening rolls around, then I start to lie to myself that this will be my last "pleasure" dose, then I will taper off when the next day comes to kick this habit.

Recently the guilt has been more powerful than ever - I find myself awake, thinking about my drug use every other night; I think about my family and how much they love me, knowing that this habit might eventually kill or seriously injure me and the pain that will inflict on my loved ones. I think about all of the money that I have squandered, knowing just how far I have dug myself into debt during this short period of time. I want to break free so much as I am alone, writing thid in my bedroom at 3:37am in the morning...

I have 20 10/350's left and I know that will only last me 1 day. I am looking for outpatient clinics online in Houston right now, hoping to be able to visit one tomorrow morning so I can take the first step in this difficult process of putting this addiction behind me. I am not a religious person, but I pray that I can get an appointment tomorrow (Saturday) to start on suboxone or methadone so I can resume my current work life balance without disruption; everyone who has been in my shoes knows that there is chance to keep up the same work schedule during withdrawal...

Any feedback and/or support is greatly appreciated. Also, please recommend any outpatient detox programs in the area.

Thanks

[lost311]

there are some very good drs out there that handles you as a specific case.
suboxone.com and go. not all are egual as you know anything in life. I got one and he spent the time to make a program based on me.  pill intake. and that issues in my life. prescribed the sub 15 day treatment to control the amount. a support group. and even a marriage counselor he new and recommended. he made me a calender with doses and times and a goal
and he is available for issues quickly.  I think i was lucky, blessed...so many people say oh my god no  dont do it. ok ill just keep on taking the pills and waiting for death slowly. the cold turkey was not going to work thats why i kept taking them for 3 years until there was nothing left... if it doesn't work and god I hope it does. at least im trying and not saying i need to do something. so many I know have turned to heroin...and that is that. of course after the taper its going to still hurt but the goal with the dr is not so badly. and i can control it. here is a new one for every one. acupuncture yes its going to help with the aches and pains and legs hurting....and rejuvenating  everything i can to arm myself against this monster .....thats all i can do

[pmuse]

Well fantastic for you , and will keep you in my prayers too. God is an amazing guy religious or not he carries all the guilt so you can let go of that!.  I was brought up roman catholic to believe everything I did was a sin thus Patty would be going to hell.  Not true. I don't believe in hell now except for the hell I create for myself.  Our bodies can only take so much abuse until it gives up : body breaks down with illness, decay in mouth ick<, infections pop up out of the blue, immune suffers hence the above etc....
You should be so proud of your accomplishments yet you in some way want to sabotage your good possible life now and the future by attempting suicide with these pills.  I don't know you, but for sure if you continue using 20 to 35 a day you may need a liver transplant not to scare you, and I say all of this with tough love and blessings.  
When you wake up the first thought is " where is my pill bottle right.." omg where is it?, ahhhh! then hesitate out of guilt and not thinking at all ' we take one or two or six".  I do understand.  
So how about we try to get you through today or Monday and rather than thinking and then acting so fast it's too late..STOP! BREATHE FOR TEN SECONDS & SAY I'M GOING TO WEAN MYSELF OFF THIS DRUG ( CAN'T JUST STOP)..AND GET MY LIFE BACK BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE YA KNOW..WE NEVER KNOW..PEOPLE DO DIE EVERY DAY FROM PILLS FOR UNEXPLAINED REASONS.  
You sound like you want to replace this action of overtaking or taking at all for no reason but to get out of yourself not sure why really only you do..
Talk to a specialist in addiction withdrawal, and be careful of all the gossip. You can get through this, and have a good healthy prosperous life..Gosh yur only 25?  geez..
Perhaps find a good therapist you can talk to.
Put a team together all of which have only one thing in common which is to point you in the direction to heal from this situation.
This takes work right, and it's so much easier to take a pill and fake it.  Well try to replace this thinking with the opposite ..It's what you said in the end of your post...
You want to live a good life..
First thing is tell your dealer not to deal to you anymore after you get into a program to help you in this serious matter.
You are blessed to be alive...
Get to a primary as well to test your vital organs kiddo..and believe you can! do this..
I believe you can.
Many Blessings,
Patty

[arrow1234]

Thanks for all of your sincere support and kind wishes. I have started day 2 of detox - took 1 lortab last night and 1 this morning. Though I am definitely feeling all of the physical symptoms associated with withdrawal...

I scheduled an appointment with a program yesterday but cancelled today, seeing as it's a tad pricey and the support meetings that they provide can be substituted w my closest family and friends; besides who wants to sit through meetings while detoxing. My main concern was receiving an alternate medication (suboxone) to prevent withdrawals, but after doing some research and thinking, I do not want to have any alternate dependencies going forward.

I plan to take a few days off of work next week (at least Mon - Wed) and make sure to follow the nutritional strategy in the Thomas recipe (w/o the benzo's). SInce I am and always have been an active person, I plan to stick to regiment of morning jogs and swimming/hot tub in the afternoon. I started on this regime yesterday and even managed to fit in 5-10 min in the steam room. I would suggest the latter to anyone struggling with body aches and leg discomfort. The exercise (along with a little cannabis) enabled me to feel and portray having the symptoms under control at a family dinner last night. I later excused myself, took 1 lortab and slept like a baby last night, though waking up this morning in sweat-soaked underwear and shorts...

I am planning to take the next lortab tonight (I have 3 left) and take the others during the next two evenings accordingly. I think that this will help me with the sleep as well as detoxify my body accordingly. I am young, have a very fast metabolism and believe that the detox regime of jogging and swimming coupled with the steam room sessions will speed up the process. I have detoxed for 7 days+ once before, once I passed day 5/6, it became mostly a matter of my mental strength and capacity, at which I failed...

I will keep you updated as I go through this...

[IBKleen]

Hi Arrow and welcome to the community,

I know you are struggling and I do know that getting off of opiates is tough. I don't know why you decided to go the Suboxone route but I can only hope that you have done research on it and understand exactly what it is all about. I also hope that your prescribing physician explains that Suboxone is not just a pill, but a program that enables you to learn to live life without the use of drugs. If your doctor does not suggest counseling and/or an outside support group, please ask here and we can help you with the type of aftercare that has worked for us. I am saying all of this because I don't want to see you jump blindly into this and regret it at a later date.

I would like to see you stick around here and ask questions. There are members here in all stages of getting clean so you will find this to be a great support community. Best of luck to you.

[hereiam74]

If you can get off them without any help(suboxone) good for you, If you want to try Suboxone go to www.suboxone.com and find a dr close to you. BUT have a plan, a plan of when you would like to go off subs(a year would be goodd)goodluck ! you will do it too, you want it..keep your head up, its not easy , but you can do it if you want it!

[wantoutofhell]

I just came finally came to end of detoxing from a similar amount of the drug you were taking.  Another concern, aside from the virtual hell the drug inflicts, is the amount of aspirin/acetimenophin that goes along with the "drug" part of the pill.  The number you are taking can cause extremely serious liver problems.  Not to scare you... but definitely another reason to get off of them.

Please, I beg you, try Narcotics Anonymous (NA) or Alcoholics Anonymous (AA).  It's a free program and there are definitely a lot of meetings in Houston.   If you can't get into a clinic right away... I suggest a story for work about "severe food poisoning or a very, very bad flu!"  You shouldn't work while detoxing from these.   Treat yourself as if you're sick... it's the truth.  I tried to read/watch DVD's, etc.  and stay in bed as much as possible while coming off of them.  If you can break the ones you have into pieces and wean down to help the symptoms, that will make it easier.  Though some will recommend a "clean break."  It's up to you.   I'll keep you in my prayers (doesn't matter if you believe or not..  it helps to ask the universe/God/Elvis :)  for help.   Stay on this forum.  The people here are amazing and made my week so much better.    It's easier when you are not alone.  And PLEASE check out NA ... no one there will judge you, but they WILL understand what you are going through and you'll have help and support that may bring you "to believe."  I do, and I consider myself spiritual but not religious.  I wish you all the very best.  It sounds like you've been a success everywhere else...  you will be one at this too, if you want it enough.

[tonia35]

hi hon i'm a 10 year addict.it all started when i got sick and put on 120mg of oxycotin in the am and 80 mg at night and 120 perc 10's a month for break threw pain.it was easy for me to stay on them because they were perscribed but 8 yrs later i lost my teaching job do to cuts and lost my ins. and couldn't afford the doctor bills and scripts so billing dismissed me from the doctor.i tried to go to every doctor i could aford but no one was going to right those scripts.after 2 days i became so ill with withdrawls i went to the er where the attending dr called my old doc who confirmed i was in pain and needed the pills so the er actrually wrote 2 weeks worth of the 5 40mg oxy and lritabs 5x day. i still couldn't find a doc in those 2 weeks.i called the methadone clinic and was told i'm a dependant and they only treat addicts so i did the unthinkable an got on heroin(i did not inject it). so i called back to the clinic and the next morning i started methadone. i was there 2 years before i ran into problems and could no longer afford trearyment.the way treatment works with methadone, you should stay on it for half the time you were using this helps in redirecting your brain so u don't have the craving and the desire to use.then when ur ready to detox u go down 2-3 mg every 3 days then stable back when your halfway down for about 1 month then slowly start the detox again. i was not able to detox this way do to finacial problems.so again i was extremly ill so my friend gave me 2 weeks of her suboxin wich worked but then after the second week i was craving the high again but i tuffed it out and it got really bad i had a nervous breakdown do to the withdrawls and lost 55 lbs.but was finally clean.then my son had a hrrible accident and i almost lost him at 16 yrs old. i relapsed and it lasted several months but then i weined myself spent a couple weeks ill and now i'm back to being the loving woman i was raised to be. i prey or you and everyone else addicted to perscription pills.they are taking over america.good news is its been less than a year since you started so reprogramming your thought process shouldn't take long .good luck to youu be strong and remember if you relapse your not a failer your human.

[worried878]

It doesnt sound as if the pills are any fun anymore?

It is almost that they turn on us tho...what we thought was our best buddy turns into our worst enemy.  Guess it is just how long a person can tolerate having that enemy rule their lives...some can tolerate it longer than others.  
It is good you feel the impending danger cos some never do or choose to ignore it.  It is a huge 1st step in getting well
I am not a fan of using another narcotic to stop a narcotic and both methadone and sub are powerful narcotics.  However, Your dose is high and u lead a busy life.  I guess at this point, we do what we have to do as I had to quit while working at a hospital as a nurse...stressful job.
Sub has a 21 day rule....get on and off quick to avoid addiction.  Both can grab u and then u have another addiction.  If I were to use either to stop my DOC, I would use it to get throu the worst of it then get the he11 off
We are all different but play safely with sub...methadone too.  The sub doctor will try and start u off on a higher dose than u need as a rule.  Many sub drs are not working in your best interest, many are...so be choosey.  He may also tell u to stay on it for a long time to avoid relapse.  And sub most likely will help u avoid relapse, but u gotta stop it one day and then demons can come back if u r not where u need to be with your inner self
Support is the key to staying clean...and staying clean is the hard part compared to quitting.  Meetings are free.  It is strange how afraid we are of meetings, when it is the only tried and true treatment for our disease.  Most addicts run from meetings like the plague!  Addicts can truly be self destructive
I want to wish you luck and keep posting
Ur welcome to mesage me if u need more info
Laura

[sudie58]

hi , i tried to taper from pills a few times, but went back on , i then did it ct, the thing is , you dont want to have any disruptions, but surely getting clean is worth it, and surely you are disrupted anyway,feeling the guilt, and lying awake worrying etc, a comparitively short
short time of disruption, for a lifetime of freedom? it took 8/9 days before i could start to sort of resume normal services, it wasnt nice at all , but really worth it, and staying clean is an ongoing commitment, i wish you well ,and hope you can get your priorities right for your health and well being,   good luck , sudie

[carson1975]

Hello to u! Well I'm not sure of detox places I went ct at home 13 days ago I was at 150mg a day oxycoden or perk's I stared on the hyrdocoden then it just was not doing it anymore as your learning ! U can do this it's hard yes, but doable! this is all hard as addicts we think different we have to change the way we think about pills! Good luck to u and god bless u !!