Help

[Kathleen28]

I am new to this forum & this is actually my 1st post. I will try & make my story as short as possible so I can get to the root of my problem. Several yrs. ago I injured my back at work. I ruptured disks in the L-3 & L-4  & the T-7 & T-8. I was put on workers comp after the results of MRI's came back. I ended up having a lumbar disectomy I was still having a lot of pain several months later & the Dr. who did my surgery ordered another MRI (was still on workers comp) at the time. The results came back & I still had herniation in lumbar region. Same exact spot as surgery was performed. Eventually they cut me off of the workers comp & I had no choice but to settle in court, as I was bringing in no money. Fast forward several yrs. later & I am now 41 yrs. old. I see a pain management Dr every month & am on a lot of pain meds. The other day I was washing my car, something hubby usually does, but I was feeling pretty good,then out of the blue I felt as if someone had kicked me in my lumbar region. I literally dropped to my knees & had to drag myself into the house. I have been laid up since. The problem is this. I started giving my husband some of my meds to help with his back pain. I get plenty & thought I was helping him. We live in a small town & there are very few Drs. here. I myself have to drive an hr. Anyway about 3 yrs ago I was prescribed oxy's & gave him some & he really liked it, actually we both did. Anyway I now run out before I go back to the Dr & he goes to his supplier which has just about broke us financially. I get meds because of the amount of pain I have. I am now suffering until my next Dr. appt which is not until next week. I have 1 hydro, 4-30 mgs.& 3- 40 mgs.to last until next week. I have no muscle relaxers & very few z's. I am trying to call around to find a Dr. for him because he can't see my Dr. as he has never had surgery nor has he ever got the kind of meds I am able to. To see my Dr you must have proof that you have chronic pain, such as surgery, MRI's, or medical records from another Dr. all of which I have. I can't just cut him off c/d. I went through that one time, well we both did, & it was brutal. He owes the guy money he goes to when we run out so that is not an option. We run our own business. He does all the physical work & I do computer & paperwork. It is a small business & any extra money we should have saved has gone to the man. Oh about $30,000.00 in a year. Yes it is a very high mark-up when you buy off of the streets. Now he is not to blame entirely, there have been many times that I have gone through more of my meds than I should have. But I am also prescribed a lot every day for a month. Since this has happened to me, I realize more than ever how badly I need them to function. I know he hurts & he has actually always come through, except one time & it was not his fault, when we run out. Like I said I just can't cut him off cold turkey & I also know I need to not take as many myself. But the only thing I can think of when I run out 2 weeks before I am due to get them re-filled, is how many I would have & how I would never run out if I did not split my scripts. We never used to fight before this & now we argue all the time about pills. I am starting to feel a lot of built up resentment towards the person I love most in this world. I have thought of leaving him, but am completely dependent upon him plus I do love him very much. Except for this major problem he is the best man I have ever been with. He treats me very good & it is not his fault he became addicted. Neither of us knew how addicting these pills were until we ran out. I know that if either of us had known he would never have started. Also when this guy (the supplier) came into our life his addiction hit a new level. So I also feel a lot of anger towards this man who calls himself a friend. He knows we are low & he when I went to the business he owns yesterday for a couple of z's, which I pd. for, he had 4- 30 mgs. & 6 -40 mgs. laid out on his desk. He wanted me to sit on his lap while he copped a feel or two & was then going to give them to me for free. I told him in no uncertain terms that not only am I married, as he already knows but does not care, but I do have morals.Then again how many drug dealers have a consience (sic) Can you believe this creep? Not only has he broke us financially he actually thought I would stoop that low for a few pills. If it were not for my husband I would never speak or see this man. I have not told my husband because he would be so ******* mad.  I am currently fighting with the help of an attorney to get disability. If I had the money to get a new MRI I am sure I would not be fighting the system. I just do not know what to do. I have no one to talk to about this. My parents have no idea that I take pain meds because they are against them. My husband admits he has a problem & would like to get off of them.. I had thought of tapering off myself until this happened to me the other day. And why should it be me anyway. I am the one who gets them because of my pain. I just do not know what to do. Please someone out here on this forum give me some advice. I am at my wits end & am close to ending this marriage. We are  in this financial mess not because of me, my Dr visits & meds do not add up to anything close to buying them off of the streets. He is currently out at a friend who gets methadone about a week before me & we usually get a few from him to get us by. My gf goes to her Dr. before me & I plan on getting some from her, she gets the same meds as me, & not telling him. I then pay her back when I get mine. I am so sick & tired of this whole situation & the constant stress of everything. Not to mention the pain I am in right now & the lack of meds that I have until next week. Some advice please! I love this man dearly & do not want drugs to end a very good marriage! Thank you to anyone who read this & gives some advice to me.I also am dealing with an incredible amount of guilt because in the beginning when he would just ask for a couple of pills to help with his pain & I would give them to him. But as i said before when this man entered his life the amount he was taking doubled, That is when he became a full-blown opiate addict. I just don't want to see him suffer. And re-hab is out of the question as he has to work. I just don't know how much more I can take before I walk & I really have nowhere to go anyway as this is my home also. Help?!    citygirl1968

[troubleinohio]

omg i dont even know where to start with this Big Ole Mess!!! yikes.........I guess the bottom line would be...you both need to quit the meds if you plan on saving your marriage. neither of you can see clearly right now to even evaulate your marital problems, let alone work on fixing them when you are both very heavily addicted. Its hard on any marriage when just ONE spouse is addicted...but when both are, its a huge problem. Also add into the equation that you have a really bad back - boy oh boy thats gonna be hard. You wont know what your true pain level really is anymore until you stop the pills and stay off them for quite a while, too. Many of us found that our pain levels are not as bad as we feared, and that the pills were actually making it worse. However, since you are in the middle of an acute attack and having ruptured discs, this would be a bad time to try and quit them. Trust me, I do know about severe back pain- i too have a bad back which got me started in my addiction to vicodin. So i do know that some of us addicts truly do need pain meds, however due to our disease , we cant control how many we take.  I cant say if you will be able to make it without meds or not, it depends how bad your back really is and if the pain will go back down to a more tolerable level once this bad attack passes.  There are SO many variables at play here in your case, its very difficult to advise you! Also entering the picture is you giving your husband some of yours...you cant continue to do this.  Also all the pill swapping with friends and such...I used to do that too. You have to stop that as well.... and then the creep who wanted to cop a feel for some pills..i had a guy try that with me once too. I was furious he would even think I would consider such a thing too.
Listen, the bottom line is, you are both on a road to destruction- at the very least of your marriage, followed by your health and your possibly the ultimate- paying with your life -- if you dont end this addiction. You and your husband are going to have to figure out if you want to quit or not, soon. You cant keep going on like this month after month of getting in debt, borrowing/lending/forwarding/payin back pills, buying from dealers and creeps etc etc!  It will ruin your lives , and maybe take your lives...

[Charetti]

My sister and I got addicted together and always shared pills back and forth.  She is my best friend and I love her dearly.  A few months back she got her perscriptions and didnt offer me any percs.  I was annoyed, then mad, then enraged.  I left her house and didnt talk to her for a week.

I knew then that the pills were evil and would eventually kill our relationship.  This gave me the added incentive to get off of these crazy pills.  I am currently tapering, which isnt good for most folks, but working for me.  Doesnt really matter what you do, just recognize that this will rip apart your relationship and it needs to stop.  So do whatever it takes to stop pills from affecting your marriage.  

Good luck and God bless

[Kathleen28]

Thank you for responding! I agree 100% with everything you said! And we both do understand what is going on. We have finally admitted to having an addiction problem though it did not start out that way. I know it never does for any of us. One day we either run out or just try to stop & you realize you can't. our bodies have become accustomed to having an opiate to function. Oh my gosh, I only went cold turkey once & it was like hell on earth. We made it to the 5th day & was just starting to feel better, when you know who rolled back into town. That is the last time we have gone full blown c/d & we went to any lengths financially not to let it happen again. But I have the added problem, the reason why I am on pain meds to begin with, is chronic & severe back pain. 2 days ago was a stark reminder. I have not had an attack like that in yrs. & boy was it ever painful. He is going to taper & I may myself. Not sure because I really do need them. I have a lot of back & neck problems. We are cutting this creep out of our life. At least I am. I can only hope he is as strong & realize our marriage can be & was a lot better. This has taken so much from us. Not just financially but our spirit also. I am so sick & tired of counting calender days & counting pills. I also feel a lot of shame that I let this get a hold of us. He also is starting to see that if anyone needs something for pain it is me.   Anyway thank you so much for answering my post! So many times I have started to write something only to get cold feet & delete my post. I was brutally honest with this one. And yes we are now at the point of "robbing peter to pay paul". BTW my name may come up as citygirl1968. I thought I had changed it before my post. We have been talking all week about our problem & quitting everything. Then I had a painful attack. This is also the 1st time he has seen me this bad because we had not yet met when i hurt my back & had surgery. So he now understands why I get the meds that I do & how much I need them at times. So between me posting to such a great forum as this is(I never realized how many of us are out there) & my attack & everything else that is going bad because of the pills, he said he will start to taper & if that doesn't work just quit c/t. He loves me enough to do that. We have been married for 6 yrs & i had my surgery a couple of years prior. I was taking pain meds when I met him but I took them as prescribed. I am so glad I finally posted & will keep on posting on this forum. Thank you again for you insight!

[Kathleen28]

I have been reading the posts off & on this forum for months & there are quite a lot of us that share & become addicted together. I agree with you. We love each other too much to let those little pills tear us apart. But it is starting too. And I have the added stress of the "creep" who gets them, not to take for chronic pain, just to make money and prey on people like my husband. It makes me sick. There are so many who really need them yet Drs. are giving people like this man pills when he has no pain whatsoever. Yet my husband who does suffer from chronic pain & back problems have a hard time. You guys have given me a lot of strength just reading the posts. I am glad I finally got up the nerve to post. I know I have a long, long way to go before I am better. Thank you for your insight & God Bless