Helpp?!

Ok well first im 15, go ahad make your comment about my age, im used to it...
Well i started doing weed in 5th grd then it progressed to pils, acid, cocain, crystal..... Well early this year i had a lttle "seaziure" or somthing, becuse of cocaine. So i got put into a rehab, i was there for like 38 days ish. Anyways. When i got out, i started smoking agian, but not crack anymore. Like pills and weed... nothing to bad... Well im on probation beacuse i got sent to a mental hospital or some **** and i faught this girl and broke a bone in her face.... anyways, they sent me to jail and i got charged but they were droped beacuse i was in the Loonybin. Well anyway, i broke my hand and had to get surgury, so i was pretty happy cuz i got hydros.. yea well i abused them i guess and got cuaght with cocaine in my system beacuse i overdosed. So now im on probation.... So where im getting at is, Sense im on probation i cant really use. And ive been somkin spice, Its like weed but leagal! and i drink more then i have before. And i have acid reflex and i guess that whats making my stomach hurt cuz- When everr i smoke or drink, i throw up like within minutes. Then ofcourse i go back for more cuz i felt like i wasted it :/ And i dont know why my stomach dose that!!! it hurts SOO bad, like to the point of fainting of pain sometimes. but i always throw up from it :/ I think i might have an ulcer?!!!  they thought i did last year so they put me on some reflex meds.. but i don t take them. OHHHHH here im also like "not menatly stable" as they say, so they got me doped up on alottt of stupid pills that are suppost to help me not be a crazy person:/ Do you think this can effect with drinking and smoking?!!  I just cant really go to the doctor about it, yakno. Ohh and i smoke cigarets as well. But i aint stopin those aha. -taylor

[ultimatebattle]

Jesus dude, youve done more crap than most adults, you need a serious intervention program, whats goin on that you need to do everything thats out there? the throwing up can be caused from an ulcer, or  messed up liver, all the crap your doin is killing your insides, thats why you throw up, your body cant handle it, if your vomit contains blood it is most likely and ulcer, but seriously, take a step back and really consider what you are doin to yourself, your not gonna make it much longer on all this stuff

[Taylorr20]

:/ Yea i kno, its not smart to do. But litterly im not planning on living a long life, so i just do stuff cuz i feel like.. pretty muchh. I mean i stoped crack/cocain and crystal cuz probation so i think im doing a lot better:/ An intervention HA. Been there done that. But thanks for helping, so i guess throwing up blood is when i should get help, I do throw up like acidish stuff, cuz i dont eatt... im not hungry im always nauseas and i throw up without doing drugs to. But thankyou(: i guess ill just have to see what happens next.
-Taylor

[vicki595]

Having an ulcer is the LEAST of your troubles right now.

Are you aware that this forum is for people trying to get clean from drugs ?

You are on a downhill spiral AND YOU'RE ONLY 15 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Get yourself some help right away !!

[Taylorr20]

Yea, im kindof trying to stop, this is why im posting this. Its just hard..... i gues.. idk
To me being 15 has nothing with being older and doing drugs, its all the same thing, al the same problem:/ But i understand. Ive tried help, no help. Thats why i havent been careing, but ive quit the bad stuff!

[IBKleen]

It doesn't sound like you have welcomed the help Taylor. It IS there but you have to want it. this is not a joke and I wish that someone would have provided me your opportunities at 15 when I needed it.

You have got to take this serious. Parents? Are they supportive? If so, you need to ask for their help. If not, how about a teacher? A friend's parent?

Please get serious with this and get the help you need before it is too late.

[showsover]

Ok lets all calm down. Yikes! Yes, you are 15, but keep in mind, many people abuse drugs and don't even know it.  At least at your age, you are calling out for help..How are you parents involved in all of this?  Have you tried talking to them about your addiction problems?  Do you want to quit? Give us some details about your background, and what steps you have made to quit drugs..:)

[vicki595]

Taylor~  ALL the stuff is bad...

And I'm going to tell you something because I am older and smarter :

You are dying right now. You will die a little each day,get a little sicker until you can't do anything. You will be bedridden,barely alive,suffering and pooping in the bed. It will be awful and you will know it.  I know you don't really care but those are the facts.

Good luck~

[kc156]

You won't have much to try by the time your 20,  except a normal life.                 kc

[showsover]

Guys, lets not throw words at each other...teens can be very rebellious, especially when there is not a good parent figure...geesh...telling the girl she won't make it isn't very helpful...perhaps someone can offer some good advice? I have not used any of cocaine/meth, so I really don't know what she is going through..it sounds like Taylor doesn't want to live, but I'm not sure...I will wait for a response...

[Taylorr20]

Like i have welcomed it, but not enough to actully help.. My parents, well they just show me pitty, i waste no time for what they think anymore. My teachers, dear god all they do is assume and complain about my life. I just end up get suspended most of the time from there opinions. Well alot of my frnds parents do the stuf with me, or buy it. But my other side of frnds that dont do drugs wouldnt understand if i told them or their parents. I have tried, they just shunned me.. But all this is ok, ill just have to deall with it by my self. Thankyou - Taylor

[Taylorr20]

Yess, thats exactly what im going through, i had no clue that i was abusing. What so ever, i was or am still in denial. My parents just show me pitty, idgaf about them anymore. And i think i want to quit, but then again i dont.. What background info are u asking? like general or drugs?

[vicki595]

Taylor seems to be a pretty sick little girl although she is quite precosious. She needs help and she needs to go after it and she knows it!!

Taylor~ I've read the other posts you've written. You have quite a variety of serious symptoms and you're trying to get a diagnosis here.  You need to see a doctor. You need to talk with your parents.  That's the best advice you can get!!

[Taylorr20]

haha im sorry but that was funny about the state id be in. There is no way id let my self get that bad and still live, If i was getting that sick, id probbly just say *** it and do some more untill i dont wake up . IM NOT BEING SUICIDAL. im just saying, theres no way id not be incontrol of my self like that.. But thankyou -Taylor

[Taylorr20]

Ohh i have seen a doctor, she did not listen what so ever . I give up  on trying to get help from a doctor. I just wanted to kno if i might have had a ulcer, but im def not gana go to a doctor agian. I just did the other day cuz i was really sick, like bad. And she said yeayea its cuz this and that... And im geting a blood test done, so i guess il see. Thankyou -Taylor

[Htownnofrown]

If you really want to quit I would suggest asking to go to rehab. It may sound like the last thing you want to do, but it will save your life if you let it. Get into an AA or NA group and share about your use. People understand, it doesn't have anything to do with your age. I know you can do it if you ask for help, but this 'just deal with it on my own' stuff will not work. You need some help.

[Taylorr20]

This is to ur second coment.
By all means I want to hear what people have to say, like im perfectly fine with that, it might encourage me one day. And hmmm its not that i dont want to live, but more like i would care less if i was alive or not.

[vicki595]

Taylor~  Where are your parents right now?  Your mother?

I promise you,if you had been honest with the doctor,she would have helped you and found the proper diagnosis.   I feel really bad for you...

[Taylorr20]

I have been in rehab, but not with my authority, forced i guess. The cops and hospital.. parents to i guess. But haah yeaa its not music to my ears to hear going back t rehab, But i dont think im that bad any more. And i had to go to AA and NA , it dose nothing for me, I dont even consume what they are saying, idk why.  And the deal with it on my own dosent really work i know this, but i dont really want to make another person have tp deal with my problems, more than there is.. Thankyou - Taylor

[IBKleen]

Taylor, when you stop blaming everyone else for your problems and take some responsibility, you will see that people have been helping you all along.

I feel bad for you too.

[Taylorr20]

Hmm my mom had another stroke today, so my parents are both there.
Nahh i tried to tell the docotr everything that was hurting, all she did was judge me, and she alredy had her mind set to what she thought i had. Like she said every symtom i have is from acid reflex wich is BS, but w.e
Dont feel bad for me, i cant stand that anymore.

[Htownnofrown]

Well if you have resigned yourself to life the way your living it, no advice from us will be worth anything. It comes down to this: when you hit your bottom, and you eventually will, you will make the decision to do whatever it takes to get clean. Some of us are lucky enough to decide to quit early, some ruin their whole lives over it, and some die over it.

If you dont think your that bad, what is it your asking our advice for?

[vicki595]

So you're MOM had a stroke today..??  

That's awful.

[IBKleen]

You don't know what we mean by "feel bad for you". I'll speak for myself and tell you that I don't feel bad for you for what is going on with you, I feel bad for you because help is, and has been right in front of you but you don't want it bad enough to go for it. I hate to see you go through another 20 years before you may, or may not, realize it.

[Taylorr20]

Nonono i dont blame anyone for what i do, i tottly know its my descison. I never said i do it beacuse of someone. I said i dont care to get help beacuse the people that i have tried to get help from show me pitty or dont understand, so i have quit. I never blammed anyone. I just dont think anyone can help me. Jesus, feeling bad for someone dose Nothing what so ever for them, thats why i dont try to get that much help, all they do is **** and moan about how sad they are, so i just stay away, i dont want to hurt anyone elese, thats why i try to push away from people

[Taylorr20]

Its hard for me to go out and say im having a problem, help me. Doing this is what i consider help, Im asking for help but in a slower way. I promis i have gotten alot better. I got really sick from it and i thought i was finally at my bottom and it was like a slapp in the face, but i guess i was decideing through my arrogance at that time and decided to keep going, now im at where i am now.

[Taylorr20]

Yea she did, its ok tho. It wasnt a bad one, likea tia. But she had heart surgury like 2 years ago, she blammed it on me how she got in that possition. Im not going to lie, I was the reason, i guess i pushed her far enough. Thats why i try to stay away from people that dont understand, cuz i end up fukin up their life as well. But its better for them... in my opinion it is anyways. Im content with keeping to myself about this stuff most of the time, but sometimes when i dont talk it seems to get a little worse.. yet im afriad of harming other people if i let them in..

[Htownnofrown]

Well it's only up to you. If you want to change your life, you can do certain things. Ask for help by going to rehab or an addiction counselor and telling them the truth. It's going to be hard no matter what. None of us were happy about having to go to rehab or counseling and tell them how ****** up we were.

It's going to be real hard to get better when you keep rationalizing what your doing by saying "I'm a lot better than I used to be". A serial killer may stop killing people and just rob banks, but he's still a bank robber.

[vicki595]

Well Taylor,there's something wrong in your belly. No way of knowing what it is exactly. But,absolutely,smoking and drinking will aggravate it.

So,you're not going to get help because you hurt people so you came here for help?

You can't be helped unless you want the help.  You need to change your thinking.

How come you're not visiting with your Mom right now?  Don't you want to see her?

[Taylorr20]

Yea i know i need to get help, but its the consept of actully getting help dosnt sound good to me, i like control. And im not an additic really. i have like a conserler or a therapist i go to, but idk Ive tried telling her stuff but all they do is higher my dosages in the medican, and i dont like that cuz the stuff they give me makes me more sick. So im afriad of talking to them. Yea its not the best feeling for people to tell you what you already know and try to ignor.. Hmmm i understand what ur saying, so ur ssaying i stoped bad stuff but i still do stuf?

[tiggz1977]

start a journal write in it everything and anything and read and write in it daily every hour every min if need be. let the pen do the walking(so to speak) find out what's causing this. the more you read and write in it, the better you will start to understand what and where your at. addiction is addiction my friend, it doesn't care by age or money or how poor you are, it's that monster always staring at you in the face of every waking moment! this monster doesn't care about anything and will focus on 1 thing, ur next fix. what's a goal you want to do in life? put that in your journal, and everything your going to do to get there. life is worth living my friend clean and sober! you just have to want it bad enough. God bless

[Taylorr20]

Yea i belive there is, and thats the reason i went to the doctor and also beacuse i couldnt breath and i had blury vision and was constantly tired, and i guess its all in my head. I mean, i cant smoke weed cuz of probation, i smoke spice. And i can only drink a little bit now, like i dont do it with people, just take a botle by myself, but its not like i drink all of it at once tho,..
yeaa i came here for help but im saying this was a think with substance abuse, so people undrstand. Its not that i want to hurt anyone here its just people that dont understand seem to take it diffrntly, idk how to explain. Its easyer to get help from some one with adive instead offorcing me to go to rehab, I have to be ready to go befor i can go ive realized today.
And i do want to see her, but my parents cars are both there and i cant drive anyways, and my dad wont pick me up. ive alredy tryed to get him to come here. Like im just scared of the stroke cuz it started out on my fault and i dont think it would have happend ( the heart problem) if i wasnt like this. SO her seeing me anyways probly is not the best idea...

[Htownnofrown]

Well look at your life, do you really have control of your life or do drugs have the control? Your not healthy, you are dealing with problems that most normal 15 year olds do not face. But I know from experience, because I too used drugs and alcohol at very early age, that those problems you are having are very possibly due to the drugs and drinking. I have horrible acid reflux too, due to all of the hard liquor and oxy.

This is not intended to sound mean, but you are not unique in your ways. I was just like you at one point and knew lots of people who were just like you, all saying the same things. What always happens is either they get seriously ill or overdose, wreck a car injuring themselves or others, or lose all the people they love in their life because they have had enough. I couldn't stand my parents before I got clean, but now I can see that they were not the ones to blame.

Yes you stopped crystal and coke but pills and alcohol and weed are drugs too, they are not good for you. You can tell your counselor how you are feeling truthfully and they should help you figure out what medication to use or how to adjust your doseage.

[Taylorr20]

Yea ive writen in a journal for along time, the people said it was best. But they also inforced it.... But yea, it dose help, its just for some reason it makes me want to use even more :/ And Even when i go to open up on paper, i sugar coat what i say even to myself, i kno im insane. :/ Like i play softabll, like its what i do, and being on drugs kinda affected it but doing it everyday sorta becomes a normal things. But i broke my hand twice in a row, so i couldnt even play and im now comeing back into it. But im finding it more difficult. Ehh, it is  monster, it seems to live in me tho. I guess im saying i dont want to be sober but then i do want to be sober...  Thankyouu - Taylorr

[vicki595]

You're right about one thing...no on understands an addict like an another addict!!

For me,that's why I'm being a little hard on you.  I know what that long road is like and I
sure don't want to see you go down it.  

Right now,you're sick and in pain. Your mother isn't there. You're not taking good care of yourself.    You need to get really honest with your therapist. She needs to know what
you do everyday.  The journal is a good idea. You can write things down everyday and bring it to every therapy appt.

Tell me about this "spice".

[Taylorr20]

Hmm like i guess me useing makes me belive im in control. And yea im now realizing that kids my age mostluy dont get in to it as much as i do, but the people i started with were a little older then me so i dont really know.. Oh jezz, so im guessing the acid reflex i have probly is from me using :/ How long did u use befor you got help?  And yea, people like me are the same person, ive realized this, i think thats why inever went fuly away from using beacuse im afriad of not being the

[Taylorr20]

- from the one above

Of not being the same person as them, beacuse they remind me of me and i seem to be reassured by that... Like yea ive had about 5 good frnds dye from drugs, But for some reason i feel happy for them, im just ready to be in their postition.

[vicki595]

Ready to be in the position of your dead friends ?

[Taylorr20]

and yea ready to be in there postition, i mean were going to dye someday. I can careless when i do. Ive almost before, im not afriad, im waiting till i guess my time is.

[vicki595]

Oh..okay..I know what that is...

So,you're okay with being how you are now? Your comfortable,not lonley,not scared ?
Depressed? Sad?  

You don't want to hurt yourself in anyway do you?   (even though the drugs will kill you)

So right now,you just smoke spice and cigarettes and drink alcohol?

[Dav125]

Your time isn't even close yet Taylor. You have seen part of life,,and sadly parts of the downside most your age shouldn't be exposed to. There is alot of good living out there you haven't been exposed to yet..So no more of that talk. Just talk about what you want for you after college..Getting from here to there is the challenge you face right now..Thats what you want to focus on. Getting from here to there...

[tiggz1977]

I'm just glad your here talking about this, to be honest!

[Taylorr20]

I mean i dont like how i am and i do wish i can stop one day. But im content of not living, Lets say i am not mentally stable... But im fine with that. I have always ben that way. I guess having so many people die that are close to me in such a small amount of time makes me careless about the well being of living. And i guess that dosent help the prosseces of stoping using. I am comforyable with being this way, i deal with it, i mean its notgoing to change the way i feel about living, i just have to agree to dissagree with myself about that. Like yea ive tryed killing my self, but its easy to admit that now beacuse i failed obviusly and i have to deal with it...haha, i actully find it funny how i can get sick from drugs but cant even kill myself, LMAO, but im not suicidal, i just dont give a *** about the consept of being alive...  no worrys, all peachy.

Well i smoke spice and drink and pills but i have to be carefull not to get caught, and ciggs i have been smokeing them sense i was 13, i have no intention on quiting that one.

[Taylorr20]

Yeaa and its easir then trying to talk about it then having some one doing heroine right infront of me..... ha. But i will never touch that stuff, friend died from that a few weeks ago, he was 17... :/

[Taylorr20]

well i used to care, even when i was on drugs about college. Softbal is my thing, i just cant be bad it. I had colleges talk to me but they couldnt actuly be like we like you be with us, or stuff like that cuz i was a freshman. Im going to be a Sophmore, hopefully, im in summer school cuz i missed soo many days being in rehab and whatnot.. but i had intenstions on one day going to Pennstate,,,

[vicki595]

It's always good to talk,so write it all here where it's anonymous;as much as you want.

What sort of pills do you have?  Do you swallow them?

It's good that you don't do heroin !!

[72hoursin]

Young Lady,

  You mention never touching heroin, but you do take pills.  Stick around and find out that  "those pills" are heroin, synthetic or natural, they are just as dangerous.  Ask people.

[vicki595]

Pen State is a good school.  You could probably get a softball scholarship.

Are you still playing?  Is your hand healed enough to play?

[StillLost21]

Hey I am 20, and I get how it is to be dealing with drugs/addiction at a young age. Especially being younger and just not caring and feeling invincable and not really thinking things are gonna catch up with you. I am tryin to stop doin drugs as well, and it's hard because I know I need to stop but sometimes I don't think I want to stop as bad as it takes to be off all drugs. Do you want to get sober? I know the feeling of having to do everything on your own. Its hard to accept help, and I try to deal with everything on my own and don't get help from anybody, and honestly, it probably just makes things worse. You posted here and explained your situation and I get the " I don't care " attitude I have had that for a long time, I think you just have to decide sincerely what you want, becuase this is your life and no matter what anyone says or what those who love you want from you, you're in charge of your life and what you do with it. I could only hope you decide to get help and try to change things while you're still young and you've got everything ahead of you. Just because other people have labeled you with "mental problems" / crazy/ drug addict/ trouble maker, or whatever else, this is your life and you know who you are. Using drugs is just a way to escape and self medicate, at least that is how I use it. For a while I didn't even really know myself,  I didn't know what I wanted, life was miserable sober and life was miserable, but somewhat more liveable on drugs because at least I didn't have to feel anything, but I know now that if I put the effort in to get sober and do the work at least there is a life waiting for me on the other side. I think you have to do this for you, not for you parents or fiends or teachers, it's your life and you have to live in it. I think you have youth as an advantage right now, any criminal charges can still be expunged from your record and you can still get clean and learn a new way to live. Hopefully you'll think about what YOU want out of your life and for yourself and when you decide, hopefully you'll make the decisions and take the actions to get that. Just try to look at what you decide as your choice, not as what a parent of someone else is "forcing" you to do, because for me personally, when other people tell me I have to do something or that "this is whats best for me" it just makes me angrier and makes me want to do the exact opposite. I dont  know if thats the same at all for you, but if it is, then just think of this as a choice you're making for your life. Regardless of what other people think, want, expect, etc.

[Taylorr20]

I am an abuser, i do know what im talking about... haa...Yes i know, but it depends on the pill, its an semi-synthetic opioid, from stuff like morphine and the poppy seed. But like the Heroine pill that is perscribed is called diamorphine, its also like oxys. But im not alwys taking them, also the effect of a pill is lessen from the state of which heroine is. Also Other drugs such as speed, tranquilizers, hallucinates are nothing in the same family as an opioid or opium.

[vicki595]

Well good...sports are great and can keep you out of trouble (I think)  LOL

What are you going to do tonight?  Stay at home?

[StillLost21]

Also, that feeling of not caring about living, I understand that. There was a time during my addiction where I was taking so many drugs at such lethal amounts that everyday I thought I was going to die. At first the thought terrified me, but soon I got used to it, and almost welcomed. I just did not care at all what happened, if I lived, if I died. I wasn't suicdal, and I wasn't going to kill myself purposely, but I had come to terms with overdosing or just not waking up. When I got sober, that thought made me sick, the fact that I was okay with dying at one point. There actually is more out there, and although every thing seems bad and dark and not worth anything right now, there is a lot of good out there, and a lot of things to be excited for. Softball, college, all those things are good, and things to be excited about, but if you don't get happy with yourself on the inside first, than all the things on the outside, attainable stuff liek college and softball, still won't be enough to satisfy you. You've got to work on things with you, so that you can be content  and happy from the inside.

[IBKleen]

One of the things you can do on your road to getting clean is lose the street slang. Please understand Taylor, this is a community of people who are trying to get and stay clean. That is what we discuss here.

Triggers are all around us and war stories and descriptions of using can trigger any one of us. We avoid it when talking. It is not necessary to describe how you take it in detail, trust me, we've been there. Once again I will speak for me, I don't want, or need, to hear about "snorting it, popping it or parachuting it". I have been respectful with you, I am asking you to do the same for me. Thank you.

[Taylorr20]

Yeaa i know what u mean, like i know i have to stop but like i dont feel like it,. Like i think it would be better for me to be sober but i guess i need to want it alittle more to actully move forward with it. ya kno. Yesyesyes, excatly pretty much people wanting me to change, isnt going to change me. Oh haha i actully never agree to what they lable me, im just sayin im not too mentally stable i guess... :/ I agree about you saying life is easier. Like obviusly my life wasnt to great when i wasnt useing, then i probly wouldnt be useing if i had a great life in the first place. Like an escape. Yea like im not doing it for other people, i stay away from "not understanding" people so i dont involve that with them. Like There really hasnt been one person in my life i would change for.Like im very lucky to be young and not have chargers held agnst me for when im older.But i should clean my act up.. Yea when people tell me that its in my best choice to do this and that, i tend to feed of that and do exactly the opposite, but its kinda like a control thing i have. Like i dont like people to try to be in control of me..  An haha it makes me angry as well, thats how i broke my hand twice in the first place, In fights :/ But atleast i didnt loose :) wow that was inappropriate i kno. When did you start useing? and what did/do? Thankyou so much(: -Taylor

[LeaAnn807]

Ok, so I read the comments to about halfway down the page, and I had seen enough.  Honey, you are a sick girl, and sick girls need help.  No matter what it is, you need help.  You are a young girl, and you don't need to ruin the rest of your life with drugs.

I am a mother, and no matter WHAT my daughter told me about her doing drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, whatever, I would never turn my back.  I would get her some professional help.  I doubt very seriously that you want to hear that, but you need to talk to your mom or dad and see a doctor, ok?  NOW!  NOT next week....NOW!  

I just really don't want you to die!

[StillLost21]

I get the control thing as well, it took me a long time to realize, that even though I go around telling people, "I am independent, I don't need anybody, and I am in complete control" that was total BS. I am completely dependent on drugs, if I don't have them I withdrawal and get sick, and it completely controls me. The drug stole my independence and my ability to be in control basically. That was a hard one to stomach. And I started drinking and smoking when I was about 13, in the 8th grade, and progressed through using all the different types of drugs, but it was oxycontin that really got me hooked. I am completely addicted to oxycontin and have been struggling with staying sober for a while now.

[avisg]

15 years old and you were doing all you can trying to numb pain .Sounds like mental pain .Allot of us use /used for that reason . No matter what kind of pain you are trying to numb continuing to use wont make it go away its always still there in the back of your head .You have to get to the root of why you are using ....
where are mom and dad are either addicts?

You are so young I have an 18 year daughter she is going into her sophomore year in college . She has so much of live to see and things do . She has been sick very sick for three days now .I have watched her have seizures for three days now.we  wonder whether we would get her to the hospital fast enough.They have no clue whats wrong with her she has never abused drugs both you and she have the same life's to live .The difference is right now you have the choice to get healthy .I know it will take time but you can do it . If you ever need someone to talk to send me a PM .

[Taylorr20]

About the dying thing..
yeaa agree so much,
Im not suicidal, i just could care less.. Like i might overdose but sometimes im not purposly doing that, but i still had the thought of not caring for life in my mind..
But oh jesus, Being sober is Complete hell, thats when i came like unstable, literaly. Like i actully became sucicidal horribly. so that was another reason why i was like *** being sober. Like yea i do like softball and i did want to go to college, but i just kinda dont really care as much. And i am not affectionate what so ever any more. Like "love" is the farthest thing away from me... I guess its cuz most of the people i was affectionate for either died or got sent away.. Hm to be truthfull, i dont rember how happy feels. HAHA. forreal, i feling absultly nothing. :/

[Taylorr20]

Loose the street slang? haha im 15 i cant really help that, i guess its kinda what teenagers tend to doo..
Hmm i understand were your getting at, but People who are trying to get clean CANNOT hide from those words. Like you should realize that. If they are going to be clean they have to realize reality, instead of trying to make me look juvenile and irrelevant to the whole concept of what this post is about.

[IBKleen]

I am trying to make you sound like the young lady that I know you are.

Again, I asked that you respectfully do not describe how you use your drugs. It is not relevant to getting help, no matter what age you are.

[Taylorr20]

Thank you (: Well i talk to my parents some time. But now, i seem more like an inconvenience when ever i bring it up. But even though i need to get help, i have to actully want it to make it stick.

[StillLost21]

I understand and can relate with everything you are saying. I never felt emotions, I didn't care about anything I couldn't truly love or feel, and I always thought "What is wrong with me????" The thing is, a lot of that doesn't have anything to do with you and it's simply the drugs. Especially opiates. THey take away your ability to feel, love, care. And at a young age like we are at, that is all we know, because we started using drugs so early. We don't know any other way of living. From the beginning I remember not feeling anything or loving or caring, but I was also using drugs all those years. We are young, and we have trained our bodies and brains to function only when putting a drug in our system. Our brain has adapted to that and it will take a while to learn how to live a whole new way once we get sober. The one advantage is that because we are young, our brains will be able to pick it up and learn how to live a whole new way without relying and depending on drugs, but it takes time. That is hard for me, I am not patient, and I expect immediete happiness when I get sober, and when I don't receive it immediatly, I end up relapsing. For me personally, I haven't ever really given myself the oppurtunity to feel true happiness in sobriety. My time has mostly been spent, detoxing, or sitting around craving drugs. We have been using for a long time, so naturally it will now take our bodies a long time to adapt to sobriety and actually be happy and content, but it is the only way to experience. If you think about it, there are two paths. Continuing to use which makes thing easier in the moment, but in the long run will destroy everything, you will feel miserable, want to die, and maybe ultimatly die. Overall it's just a miserable way of living, I hav exerienced it and it just makes me dislike myself everyday, and strips me of any self worth. Then the other alternative is getting sober, which will be uncomfortable in the beginning, depressing, overwhelming, lots to deal with, but this path will lead to an actual life, accomplishing things, finding happiness, self worth, loving, caring about yourself and others. So it takes work, but its rewarding. Look, I hope it doesnt sound like I am preaching to you, I say all this stuff, but i know its way easier said then done. I am still trying to do it myself. Sobriety is ******* hard, I get that, I struggle everyday with it myself, and I am just trying to get sober and be actually happy in this world. Just know, you willl be able to feel thigns, lots of things, but you have to get sober in order to do that. This I actually know, because when I got truly sober for a couple months before relapsing, it was the first time in my life where I acutally felt thigns, I was clear headed, I didn;t wake up sick or needing a drug, life actually was good and I didnt want to die.  Idefinitly wanted to live. I hope I can get back to that place, and I hope you can get there one day and experience life liek that as well!

[Taylorr20]

Yea it is pretty much mental pain, well atleast thats whats keeps me going, is the pain of not wanting to be sober.. Nope, neither of my parents are. OMG thats horrible ! Expessily the fact that they dont know where the seazuires are comming from. I had mine that was from Cocaine so i knew where it origanted.  i have the choice, its just the fact of letting my self let go.... Thankyouu!!!

[Taylorr20]

Like i am young lady its just those terms are what she was asking for in her question. I dont think she would kno the i guess proper words. I dont even know the proper words. but if i did, i would morelikely use them tho,

[Taylorr20]

Yessssss they seem to take every feeling away... Its not to great, but its not like im going to stop. But i should. Yea when i was in the rehab, i was enraged and out of control with the horrible feeling of sober. I thought it would finally feel better but ehhh no. Detox, is hell, and yeaa i tottly get it , you go to get help well like detox but yet agian all u think about is the drugs so the detox means nothing what so ever, no i dont feel like your preaching i feel that your assureing me on what is goin on and how maby i could live without drugs.. How did you finally decide to become sober?  And that was a long time, strong.  Yea i do want to experience what Life actully is, but with my state of mind this is how life is... yakno

[vicki595]

Okay..just to clear this up: I asked you what you took and if you swallowed the pills.
That only requires a yes or no answer.  There was a reason why I asked it.

This forum is all about getting and staying clean.  We have to be very careful of the way we say things and what we describe.  I guess you didn't read the "forum guidelines".

Just don't be so specific.

Do you feel like you're getting help here?

[avisg]

You can make the change its your choice. Things like discussing how much others are using to get high and getting into alot of drug details we call them war stories can set people into cravings .so just be aware that we have people in all different  stages of addiction .We would not want to set someone off .Plus its not going to help you get better alot of this is mental. Changing the way you think  is hard drugs changes are brain chemistry . So you have to learn to live clean again but you have lived clean and you can again .

[StillLost21]

I decided to become sober because I was at the age where I had so many possibilities in life, school, job, relationships, travelling, it was pretty much that age, just after highschool, beginning college, where there are endless oppurtunities and possibilities with what you want to do with your life, the world is so big and there are so many paths to go down, but that wasn't the case for me. My world was so small, it was all about oxycontin. My days were spent by making sure I could find oc, waiting around for dealers, making sure I had enough for the next morning, trying not to spend money on anything else so I could waste it all on the oc, and doing whatever it took to avoid withdrawals. If i couldn't find oc, i'd wake up in the morning sick in withdrawals, and there was no chance I was going to get out of bed. I just woke up one day and I was so depressed, miserable, didn't care about anything, no self worth,  I put oxycontin in front of my family and friends numerous times, and I just thought, this is so miserable right now,  Iswear anything would be better then this. So I decided to try something new, and get sober for the first time. You know, I saw all my friends excited about life, figuring out what they wanted to do, what they were going to pursue, and honestly, all i had in my life was oxycontin. I just wanted out, but I was trapped because of the withdrawal. I had to go into rehab and becuse it was my choice i took it seriously and i got sober and stayed sober for a while but now i've been relapsing for about a year. I am going to try to get sober again though. And you can change your state of mind. You are not doomed to feelign miserable an using drugs your whole life until it kills you. Seriously, you can change things and make it better, you just got to put in some work to get there, which means you'd have to really want it. And its okay if you dont want it now, the fact that you are even thinking and talking about it puts you ahead of almost anyone your age, when you get to the point that you want to be sober more then you wnat to use, you will know, and then you can try to get sober. WHen you want it.  (hopefully that is sooner then later, and hopefully that comes before a fatal OD too) and that goes for me as well. Everything i am saying to you i need to apply to my life as well.

[newstart730]

Hi Taylor,

I'm sorry to hear about what you are going through.  When I was 15, I was hospitalized for alcohol poisoning.  I just started losing it at school, went home, drank an entire bottle of some kind of liquor and woke up in a hospital.  I didn't do it with the intent to kill myself, although I almost did that.  I just did it to numb myself.  I hear what you're saying.

I don't know much about you other than what you've typed here, but I know that EVERY single person has wonderful things about them.  I'm not sure what you journal about, but I finally got into therapy when I was 21.  My therapist made me start a "positivity journal."  I thought it was the dumbest idea in the world, but I tried it.  She had me write one thing that I had done that day that was good/positive.  Then, I had to write what that said about me.  So, it might say, "I went for a bike ride today even though I felt like staying in bed all day.  I did something good for my body."  At first, I hated it, thought it was awful, stupid, you name it, but eventually I saw that I am actually a pretty cool person.  Writing stuff down every day made me see that.  If I'm a pretty cool person, then I might actually have a reason to take care of myself.

We are all on this site for a reason, and I slipped up in the last few years and got addicted to pills.  Bad things happened, I felt badly about myself, and I tried to numb myself again.
Sure, that $uck$, but I'm not perfect and I don't have to be.  I'm here now and I'm trying to remember all those things that are good about me, and that is what has given me the strength to quit.

Not saying that this is the only way, but you might want to try it.  Instead of thinking about all of the bad things people might say/think about you, focus on the good.  You've got it and you deserve a great life.  I may have slipped up, but am I glad that I didn't die in the hospital when I was 15?  F*** yes!  I have done some amazing things, met amazing people, and traveled all over the world because I decided to make it happen for myself.  You've just gotta decide if you are going to put the effort in to make it happen for you.  I hope you do :) xoxo

[StillLost21]

Your question was,

"What sort of pills do you have? Do you swallow them?"

By asking two questions like that, it seems no matter how she answered, it could have offended somebody. Being a new member, and you a person who was giving advice and helping, I think it's fair to think Taylor assumed she could answer those questions in detail because you were asking questions that invovled detail...the type of the pill, and whether she was swalling them or not, which also implies that if she was not swallowing them, in order to give you a complete answer, it would be assumed the next thing to say is how she is taking them.....

[Taylorr20]

That is good reasons, you seem like you know what you are wanting... but like me, im in highschool, no one knows what they are going to do even in a year, its not like i have much of a choice. So i guess i haent really found a reason yet. Yea my life is small right now anyways cuz of the drugs as well... i do this thing where if i see a happy person, im just like *** off. :/ but i d k why i even do that, i guess im jelus of hapyness. yea you telling me this helps, like you said when im ready. Im ready but not ready yakno. I do need to apply those, I need to apply alot of thigs, possitive things. I have nothing possitive in my life, well atleast i make it neggitive. Did you start with people? or like By ur self?

[StillLost21]

Yeah, it's really common to hear people who are using to see naturally happy people and think that or wonder how they are happy. For me, when i'd see a happy person that was not on drugs I was just baffled, like I didn't understand how a person could be happy if they haven't taken something to produce that happiness lol. And yes I was using with people, I had a large group of friends that were all really social and partied a lot, but the thing is, by the end, I isolated myself. All I cared about was myself and the drug. I had a lot of friends, but I didn't see them, return calls, or anything, just wanted to be by myself with my drug. It was pathetic.

[Taylorr20]

nooo i wasnt asking how much it got her high, i was asking how much currentlly she was takeing a day. i actully didnt mean to seem that way, i was asking to know what she was really dealing with on a daily basis.

[McGinger]

a lot of judgment going on here, and yes, Taylor you would've probably been perceived a little better if you didn't talk like a gutter rat (hey, I'm only in my mid-20's I remember what it was like to be 15...), and I'm certainly not here to throw stones.

Anyways, I feel you on the being sober thing is total hell.  I won't pretend it isnt, however, you gotta buck up and put on your big girl pants and get your **** together, because if you dont want to 'fix' yourself, no one else will or can.  It sounds like you want to rationalize your behavior.  Hey, I'm kind of dead inside too, but I'm taking personality responsibility (you should look into that), and changing the stuff in my life that isnt leading me towards a positive future.  You mentioned liking softball and wanting to go to college... that sounds like a positive path.  

I wont waste too much time on the post because it sounds like you don't care about your future or your health... I hope for your sake that changes or I'm wrong.  Those OD's, whether or not you want to admit it, were cries for help.  Maybe not consciously, but subconsciously you want someone or organization to step in and help you.  It's also why you're posting here.  Just read the advice, and consider that folks older than you who have dealt with substance BS in some cases longer than you've been alive might have something helpful to say that's relevant to you.

[Taylorr20]

haha yeaa like i never understand how you can be happy with out something to actully make you feel "happy" in confuses me, thats why i get so defensive. Yea thats how i am now the party people. execpt its kinda diff, i have one side where they party and use and the side who party and dont use....soo as you, i isolate my self. Wow that makes me realize im not the only one with the not wanting to assosiate with frnds. I tend to neverr return texts, or the worse is never chill with ppl if they arnt gana use drugs....

[vicki595]

Stillost~   I know I asked her that question. It's not her fault except for the fact that everyone is supposed to read the guidelines before posting.  It's a common question on the forum and I really didn't expect her to say so much, but she's young.

[Taylorr20]

Oh jezz alchol posinig, i just experienced that on 4th july. It is horrible:/ im sorry u went thro that. yeaa i know the positive journal, ahaa i thought it was lame at first. Yea at first i would catch myself making up things to just think i did something better :/ you talk about how you realized you should look for the good in you. Like i dont have a good in me... and i dont think anyone can make me think diffrnt.. Thats probly why that positive journal i had faileed. haa but sooner or later its probly ganna hit me that i have to find the good. Thankyou!!

[newstart730]

As far as I can see, it doesn't say anything in the guidelines about saying how you used your drug(s).  It does say "don't post war stories."  Honestly, I don't even know what that means.  Also, every single day people post describing how they took their drugs, how much, etc.  Why are so many people being judgmental?  It is not helpful to anyone.

[newstart730]

You are totally right when you say that no one can make you think differently about finding the good in you.  YOU've gotta see it babe, no one else matters.  Just keep looking.  I know it's harder some times, believe me.  It's there.

[Taylorr20]

haha gutter rat! Yea but right now, my big girl pants arnt fittin corectly yet, I have to wait a lil longer and fit them right, if you understand. Like i have to make the descion my self, cuz ive tried doing it for others and it obviusly failed. Oh i deffntly know im killing my self and that its horrible but its not that i dont care its more that its hard for me to want to care.. Yeaa thats what i had to explain to people above, i am posting beacuse i find this to hopefuly help me want to engage into a possitive well being, and it really has. Really.
Thankyou!

[StillLost21]

I agree newstart730. I feel like a lot of people are being rather rude, judgemental, and even a bit condescending on this post to Taylorr. She is here, and is looking for advice and for help. I never saw anywhere that it said a requrement to be here was to be absolutly positive that you want to be sober and that you are willing to do anything it takes. She may not be there yet, but she is being HONEST, and open about her situation and where she is at right now. I think she deserves the same respect as any other person on this site. Regardless of her age, or the language she chooses. Blaming things on her age or calling her a gutter rat based on how she speaks, and even claiming your not gonna waste much time on this post, is just rude. And could you imagine if those were thign things that turned her away from this site or getting help. That wouldn't be beneficial towards anyone.  I think everybody deserves the same respect and consideration no matter what. I thought that is why we are all here, to help one another no matter where they're at in their sobriety.

[StillLost21]

Also i didn't mean to single anyone out by using those specific examples. In general throughout this post it seems like a lot of these respones are filled with judgement towards taylor and her situation.

[Taylorr20]

haha thankyou! like i guess it ofends people, but i thought describing what is going on is what this site is for, so i didnt really second think it.. My intesions were deffintly not to make some body offended or mad... But war stories, i learn those in school, i dont get how it is bad:/ maby like terroist talk:/ Yeaa im actully oping my eyes, im seein its not to bright to be doin the crap i do. But now i have to actully physically undertsnd its not right.!

[Taylorr20]

Thankyouu so much! i mean is ok that people are being obscure to me, i just didnt realize that i must have offened people with my prblem:/ Kinda seems like how it is when im off the computer, But im geting alot of help more here then from the people that have tried or thought i need to get help in the past. hmm like you said i am new, and hah i dont quit know to many things for this site , and im like really yung on this site as well, i think people might get a impression that im juvenile and that sense they are older they seem to have the awsner to my problems and that its what i should do .. but im not only talking about here, like throughout the site i can tell. But hey it comes with the age hahaha :/

[Jebs317]

I have been reading this post....it is shocking.  First of all....we all have our opinions...but before passing judgement I really think that Taylorr20's posts on the other forums should be read.  Vicki read them and I think she understands what I am saying.....this is all just a little too much.  
If a 15 is truly crying out for help then the people on here who have responded (those of us who are older with children that same age)....it's going to get emotional.  
If we are posting on an addiction forum......how else can anyone help if we don't know what she is taking or how much......or if she has intentions of taking anymore???

[Taylorr20]

Thankyou! haha im kinda blind about the other forms of mine, what do you mean when u say that? like dose it have something todo with maby the drugs is that what ur saying? srry im a lil confused haa. And thankyou or understanding

[Jaybay]

Taylor, the title of your post is "Hellp?!"  I'm a little confused what kind of help you want?  Since you state rehab and detox is out of the question, do you have something specific in mind when you ask for "help?"  It doesn't sound like you're at all interested in getting sober, so what is it you DO want?

I can say that you need to see a doctor about the acid reflux - and very soon.  There are so many serious health problems that happen with the amount of reflux and vomiting you have.  You can literally burn up your esophogus (food pipe); get cancer of the stomach, esphogus, and/or small intestines; inhale stomach contents into your lungs causing pneumonia; malnutrition; and the ever-increasing risk of a possibly fatal gastrointestinal hemorrhage.

Although you say you don't care whether you live or die, in the short time you've been here I see a very bright, smart girl who doesn't deserve to end her life.  I see a girl who has so much ahead of her but can't yet see it herself.  Since you aren't ready to do the work you know you need to do to have a future, I can only pray that one day soon you'll be able to change yourself.  Don't let that smart, wonderful person stay buried under a fog of drugs and alcohol.  I for one would like to see what you will eventually make of yourself - sober and healthy.  You've already cleaned up a lot, why not keep going?