Helpp?!

[Taylorr20]

Ok well first im 15, go ahad make your comment about my age, im used to it...
Well i started doing weed in 5th grd then it progressed to pils, acid, cocain, crystal..... Well early this year i had a lttle "seaziure" or somthing, becuse of cocaine. So i got put into a rehab, i was there for like 38 days ish. Anyways. When i got out, i started smoking agian, but not crack anymore. Like pills and weed... nothing to bad... Well im on probation beacuse i got sent to a mental hospital or some **** and i faught this girl and broke a bone in her face.... anyways, they sent me to jail and i got charged but they were droped beacuse i was in the Loonybin. Well anyway, i broke my hand and had to get surgury, so i was pretty happy cuz i got hydros.. yea well i abused them i guess and got cuaght with cocaine in my system beacuse i overdosed. So now im on probation.... So where im getting at is, Sense im on probation i cant really use. And ive been somkin spice, Its like weed but leagal! and i drink more then i have before. And i have acid reflex and i guess that whats making my stomach hurt cuz- When everr i smoke or drink, i throw up like within minutes. Then ofcourse i go back for more cuz i felt like i wasted it :/ And i dont know why my stomach dose that!!! it hurts SOO bad, like to the point of fainting of pain sometimes. but i always throw up from it :/ I think i might have an ulcer?!!!  they thought i did last year so they put me on some reflex meds.. but i don t take them. OHHHHH here im also like "not menatly stable" as they say, so they got me doped up on alottt of stupid pills that are suppost to help me not be a crazy person:/ Do you think this can effect with drinking and smoking?!!  I just cant really go to the doctor about it, yakno. Ohh and i smoke cigarets as well. But i aint stopin those aha. -taylor

[Jaybay]

Taylor, the title of your post is "Hellp?!"  I'm a little confused what kind of help you want?  Since you state rehab and detox is out of the question, do you have something specific in mind when you ask for "help?"  It doesn't sound like you're at all interested in getting sober, so what is it you DO want?

I can say that you need to see a doctor about the acid reflux - and very soon.  There are so many serious health problems that happen with the amount of reflux and vomiting you have.  You can literally burn up your esophogus (food pipe); get cancer of the stomach, esphogus, and/or small intestines; inhale stomach contents into your lungs causing pneumonia; malnutrition; and the ever-increasing risk of a possibly fatal gastrointestinal hemorrhage.

Although you say you don't care whether you live or die, in the short time you've been here I see a very bright, smart girl who doesn't deserve to end her life.  I see a girl who has so much ahead of her but can't yet see it herself.  Since you aren't ready to do the work you know you need to do to have a future, I can only pray that one day soon you'll be able to change yourself.  Don't let that smart, wonderful person stay buried under a fog of drugs and alcohol.  I for one would like to see what you will eventually make of yourself - sober and healthy.  You've already cleaned up a lot, why not keep going?

[Taylorr20]

Thankyou! haha im kinda blind about the other forms of mine, what do you mean when u say that? like dose it have something todo with maby the drugs is that what ur saying? srry im a lil confused haa. And thankyou or understanding

[Jebs317]

I have been reading this post....it is shocking.  First of all....we all have our opinions...but before passing judgement I really think that Taylorr20's posts on the other forums should be read.  Vicki read them and I think she understands what I am saying.....this is all just a little too much.  
If a 15 is truly crying out for help then the people on here who have responded (those of us who are older with children that same age)....it's going to get emotional.  
If we are posting on an addiction forum......how else can anyone help if we don't know what she is taking or how much......or if she has intentions of taking anymore???

[Taylorr20]

Thankyouu so much! i mean is ok that people are being obscure to me, i just didnt realize that i must have offened people with my prblem:/ Kinda seems like how it is when im off the computer, But im geting alot of help more here then from the people that have tried or thought i need to get help in the past. hmm like you said i am new, and hah i dont quit know to many things for this site , and im like really yung on this site as well, i think people might get a impression that im juvenile and that sense they are older they seem to have the awsner to my problems and that its what i should do .. but im not only talking about here, like throughout the site i can tell. But hey it comes with the age hahaha :/

[Taylorr20]

haha thankyou! like i guess it ofends people, but i thought describing what is going on is what this site is for, so i didnt really second think it.. My intesions were deffintly not to make some body offended or mad... But war stories, i learn those in school, i dont get how it is bad:/ maby like terroist talk:/ Yeaa im actully oping my eyes, im seein its not to bright to be doin the crap i do. But now i have to actully physically undertsnd its not right.!

[StillLost21]

Also i didn't mean to single anyone out by using those specific examples. In general throughout this post it seems like a lot of these respones are filled with judgement towards taylor and her situation.

[StillLost21]

I agree newstart730. I feel like a lot of people are being rather rude, judgemental, and even a bit condescending on this post to Taylorr. She is here, and is looking for advice and for help. I never saw anywhere that it said a requrement to be here was to be absolutly positive that you want to be sober and that you are willing to do anything it takes. She may not be there yet, but she is being HONEST, and open about her situation and where she is at right now. I think she deserves the same respect as any other person on this site. Regardless of her age, or the language she chooses. Blaming things on her age or calling her a gutter rat based on how she speaks, and even claiming your not gonna waste much time on this post, is just rude. And could you imagine if those were thign things that turned her away from this site or getting help. That wouldn't be beneficial towards anyone.  I think everybody deserves the same respect and consideration no matter what. I thought that is why we are all here, to help one another no matter where they're at in their sobriety.

[Taylorr20]

haha gutter rat! Yea but right now, my big girl pants arnt fittin corectly yet, I have to wait a lil longer and fit them right, if you understand. Like i have to make the descion my self, cuz ive tried doing it for others and it obviusly failed. Oh i deffntly know im killing my self and that its horrible but its not that i dont care its more that its hard for me to want to care.. Yeaa thats what i had to explain to people above, i am posting beacuse i find this to hopefuly help me want to engage into a possitive well being, and it really has. Really.
Thankyou!

[newstart730]

You are totally right when you say that no one can make you think differently about finding the good in you.  YOU've gotta see it babe, no one else matters.  Just keep looking.  I know it's harder some times, believe me.  It's there.

[newstart730]

As far as I can see, it doesn't say anything in the guidelines about saying how you used your drug(s).  It does say "don't post war stories."  Honestly, I don't even know what that means.  Also, every single day people post describing how they took their drugs, how much, etc.  Why are so many people being judgmental?  It is not helpful to anyone.

[Taylorr20]

Oh jezz alchol posinig, i just experienced that on 4th july. It is horrible:/ im sorry u went thro that. yeaa i know the positive journal, ahaa i thought it was lame at first. Yea at first i would catch myself making up things to just think i did something better :/ you talk about how you realized you should look for the good in you. Like i dont have a good in me... and i dont think anyone can make me think diffrnt.. Thats probly why that positive journal i had faileed. haa but sooner or later its probly ganna hit me that i have to find the good. Thankyou!!

[vicki595]

Stillost~   I know I asked her that question. It's not her fault except for the fact that everyone is supposed to read the guidelines before posting.  It's a common question on the forum and I really didn't expect her to say so much, but she's young.

[Taylorr20]

haha yeaa like i never understand how you can be happy with out something to actully make you feel "happy" in confuses me, thats why i get so defensive. Yea thats how i am now the party people. execpt its kinda diff, i have one side where they party and use and the side who party and dont use....soo as you, i isolate my self. Wow that makes me realize im not the only one with the not wanting to assosiate with frnds. I tend to neverr return texts, or the worse is never chill with ppl if they arnt gana use drugs....

[McGinger]

a lot of judgment going on here, and yes, Taylor you would've probably been perceived a little better if you didn't talk like a gutter rat (hey, I'm only in my mid-20's I remember what it was like to be 15...), and I'm certainly not here to throw stones.

Anyways, I feel you on the being sober thing is total hell.  I won't pretend it isnt, however, you gotta buck up and put on your big girl pants and get your **** together, because if you dont want to 'fix' yourself, no one else will or can.  It sounds like you want to rationalize your behavior.  Hey, I'm kind of dead inside too, but I'm taking personality responsibility (you should look into that), and changing the stuff in my life that isnt leading me towards a positive future.  You mentioned liking softball and wanting to go to college... that sounds like a positive path.  

I wont waste too much time on the post because it sounds like you don't care about your future or your health... I hope for your sake that changes or I'm wrong.  Those OD's, whether or not you want to admit it, were cries for help.  Maybe not consciously, but subconsciously you want someone or organization to step in and help you.  It's also why you're posting here.  Just read the advice, and consider that folks older than you who have dealt with substance BS in some cases longer than you've been alive might have something helpful to say that's relevant to you.

[Taylorr20]

nooo i wasnt asking how much it got her high, i was asking how much currentlly she was takeing a day. i actully didnt mean to seem that way, i was asking to know what she was really dealing with on a daily basis.

[StillLost21]

Yeah, it's really common to hear people who are using to see naturally happy people and think that or wonder how they are happy. For me, when i'd see a happy person that was not on drugs I was just baffled, like I didn't understand how a person could be happy if they haven't taken something to produce that happiness lol. And yes I was using with people, I had a large group of friends that were all really social and partied a lot, but the thing is, by the end, I isolated myself. All I cared about was myself and the drug. I had a lot of friends, but I didn't see them, return calls, or anything, just wanted to be by myself with my drug. It was pathetic.

[Taylorr20]

That is good reasons, you seem like you know what you are wanting... but like me, im in highschool, no one knows what they are going to do even in a year, its not like i have much of a choice. So i guess i haent really found a reason yet. Yea my life is small right now anyways cuz of the drugs as well... i do this thing where if i see a happy person, im just like *** off. :/ but i d k why i even do that, i guess im jelus of hapyness. yea you telling me this helps, like you said when im ready. Im ready but not ready yakno. I do need to apply those, I need to apply alot of thigs, possitive things. I have nothing possitive in my life, well atleast i make it neggitive. Did you start with people? or like By ur self?

[StillLost21]

Your question was,

"What sort of pills do you have? Do you swallow them?"

By asking two questions like that, it seems no matter how she answered, it could have offended somebody. Being a new member, and you a person who was giving advice and helping, I think it's fair to think Taylor assumed she could answer those questions in detail because you were asking questions that invovled detail...the type of the pill, and whether she was swalling them or not, which also implies that if she was not swallowing them, in order to give you a complete answer, it would be assumed the next thing to say is how she is taking them.....

[newstart730]

Hi Taylor,

I'm sorry to hear about what you are going through.  When I was 15, I was hospitalized for alcohol poisoning.  I just started losing it at school, went home, drank an entire bottle of some kind of liquor and woke up in a hospital.  I didn't do it with the intent to kill myself, although I almost did that.  I just did it to numb myself.  I hear what you're saying.

I don't know much about you other than what you've typed here, but I know that EVERY single person has wonderful things about them.  I'm not sure what you journal about, but I finally got into therapy when I was 21.  My therapist made me start a "positivity journal."  I thought it was the dumbest idea in the world, but I tried it.  She had me write one thing that I had done that day that was good/positive.  Then, I had to write what that said about me.  So, it might say, "I went for a bike ride today even though I felt like staying in bed all day.  I did something good for my body."  At first, I hated it, thought it was awful, stupid, you name it, but eventually I saw that I am actually a pretty cool person.  Writing stuff down every day made me see that.  If I'm a pretty cool person, then I might actually have a reason to take care of myself.

We are all on this site for a reason, and I slipped up in the last few years and got addicted to pills.  Bad things happened, I felt badly about myself, and I tried to numb myself again.
Sure, that $uck$, but I'm not perfect and I don't have to be.  I'm here now and I'm trying to remember all those things that are good about me, and that is what has given me the strength to quit.

Not saying that this is the only way, but you might want to try it.  Instead of thinking about all of the bad things people might say/think about you, focus on the good.  You've got it and you deserve a great life.  I may have slipped up, but am I glad that I didn't die in the hospital when I was 15?  F*** yes!  I have done some amazing things, met amazing people, and traveled all over the world because I decided to make it happen for myself.  You've just gotta decide if you are going to put the effort in to make it happen for you.  I hope you do :) xoxo

[StillLost21]

I decided to become sober because I was at the age where I had so many possibilities in life, school, job, relationships, travelling, it was pretty much that age, just after highschool, beginning college, where there are endless oppurtunities and possibilities with what you want to do with your life, the world is so big and there are so many paths to go down, but that wasn't the case for me. My world was so small, it was all about oxycontin. My days were spent by making sure I could find oc, waiting around for dealers, making sure I had enough for the next morning, trying not to spend money on anything else so I could waste it all on the oc, and doing whatever it took to avoid withdrawals. If i couldn't find oc, i'd wake up in the morning sick in withdrawals, and there was no chance I was going to get out of bed. I just woke up one day and I was so depressed, miserable, didn't care about anything, no self worth,  I put oxycontin in front of my family and friends numerous times, and I just thought, this is so miserable right now,  Iswear anything would be better then this. So I decided to try something new, and get sober for the first time. You know, I saw all my friends excited about life, figuring out what they wanted to do, what they were going to pursue, and honestly, all i had in my life was oxycontin. I just wanted out, but I was trapped because of the withdrawal. I had to go into rehab and becuse it was my choice i took it seriously and i got sober and stayed sober for a while but now i've been relapsing for about a year. I am going to try to get sober again though. And you can change your state of mind. You are not doomed to feelign miserable an using drugs your whole life until it kills you. Seriously, you can change things and make it better, you just got to put in some work to get there, which means you'd have to really want it. And its okay if you dont want it now, the fact that you are even thinking and talking about it puts you ahead of almost anyone your age, when you get to the point that you want to be sober more then you wnat to use, you will know, and then you can try to get sober. WHen you want it.  (hopefully that is sooner then later, and hopefully that comes before a fatal OD too) and that goes for me as well. Everything i am saying to you i need to apply to my life as well.

[avisg]

You can make the change its your choice. Things like discussing how much others are using to get high and getting into alot of drug details we call them war stories can set people into cravings .so just be aware that we have people in all different  stages of addiction .We would not want to set someone off .Plus its not going to help you get better alot of this is mental. Changing the way you think  is hard drugs changes are brain chemistry . So you have to learn to live clean again but you have lived clean and you can again .

[vicki595]

Okay..just to clear this up: I asked you what you took and if you swallowed the pills.
That only requires a yes or no answer.  There was a reason why I asked it.

This forum is all about getting and staying clean.  We have to be very careful of the way we say things and what we describe.  I guess you didn't read the "forum guidelines".

Just don't be so specific.

Do you feel like you're getting help here?

[Taylorr20]

Yessssss they seem to take every feeling away... Its not to great, but its not like im going to stop. But i should. Yea when i was in the rehab, i was enraged and out of control with the horrible feeling of sober. I thought it would finally feel better but ehhh no. Detox, is hell, and yeaa i tottly get it , you go to get help well like detox but yet agian all u think about is the drugs so the detox means nothing what so ever, no i dont feel like your preaching i feel that your assureing me on what is goin on and how maby i could live without drugs.. How did you finally decide to become sober?  And that was a long time, strong.  Yea i do want to experience what Life actully is, but with my state of mind this is how life is... yakno

[Taylorr20]

Like i am young lady its just those terms are what she was asking for in her question. I dont think she would kno the i guess proper words. I dont even know the proper words. but if i did, i would morelikely use them tho,