Here we go again

[salsinator]

Well, finally made it back to Medhelp. It looks like there are some people still here that I know. That's great. I don't know why addicts fall down so many times before they finally get up and stay up, and I am no exception. I am not going to go through all of the past 18 months or so, but I was clean for over a year into 2010 and stubbed my toe with Tramadol. Nasty stuff. I got back up, but the trigger of stress from my job was still poking right through me. The addict turned to Valium next. Man was that ever stupid. I have been swimming in a pool of Valium and Tramadol for the better part of a year......and wouldn't you know it, that did not help either. Finally in April I came clean with my doctor and tapered off both the Tramadol and Valium. I have been clean over 6 weeks from the Tramadol, that was relatively easy compared to the Valium. I am clean 30 days today from Valium, but man has that been hard!  It makes opiate withdrawal seem like a cake walk. The first to weeks were unbearable, but I kept with it. Anxiety was mind blowing and my stomach has been on a roller coaster ride. I do notice that I improve every week, but after a 12 day taper, which was probably too fast off a 40 mg daily use for over a year, it is still not easy. I know that I am headed the right direction and posting here is just one more right step. I am back in therapy and have made a very difficult decision to leave my career after 20 years. I have been on the road 70% of this year and have just decided that enough is enough. I have decided to go back to school for a graduate degree and am going to completely change careers. I am fortunate enough to be able to make this change and not work while going to school. I was not able to do this when studying for my undergrad degree. My hopes are high, my mind, body, and spirit are in a good place and I am at peace with my decision. I am glad to be back and look forward to reconnecting with everyone. Thank you!

[salsinator]

Thanks Sarah, I look forward to it.

[dominosarah]

I am always here.  Have a safe flight, talk to you tonight.

[salsinator]

Hi Sarah,

Thanks, it is so good to be back. I wanted to get on here earlier, but I have been out of town more than home, it has just been so crazy. Unfortunately I am not flying right now, did not want to risk safety being a user, I was also traveling way too much. I am in Chicago right now, headed home, been on the road nearly 2 weeks. This is my 72 flight since Feb!  Just crazy. I agree, leaving the job is the best thing for me, both my doctor and therapist told me I needed a career change or it was going to kill me, they are right. I am so turned off that I have decided to completely leave my career of 20 years. I am headed back to school and am going to teach. It is something that I have always wanted to do, now is the time. I am not going anywhere!  Just needed to get off that pink cloud, fall on my face a couple more times to finally wake up. I am so glad you are still here, I wanted to reach out to you so many times. Got to get on the plane here shortly, will be back tonight.

[dominosarah]

I was so happy to see you that i forgot to congratulate you on your clean time so CONGRATS!!!

Are you still flying?

[dominosarah]

I have thought about you quite a bit my friend and wondered what happened.  I am  so happy to see you back, minus all the troubles you had.  This addiction is a biotch.  Just when you think you got it together it rears its ugly head.  I am thrilled you found your inner strength and found your way out again.  You have a good plan in place and i believe letting that job go will be a blessing in disguise. Stepping out of our comfort zone opens up alot of opportunities.  Now stick around here, you have been missed~~sara

[ribs2k]

Thanks, I feel fortunate to get the chance to meet you.

[4adifferentlife]

Take your time I completely understand. Just remember, my personal belief is if we were on top of the mountain, we would never ask or need his help. He knows us way better than we know ourselves. Our way isn't working. I will pray and you pray for me. Everything happens for a reason.

[ribs2k]

I am touched and glad someone else understands what I am going through. I have so much to ask and want to discuss but I need to process it all. If it is ok I will send you a private message a little later?
I will definately pray for you and hope that you will do the same for me.
Thanks,
Randy

[4adifferentlife]

Randy, your post brought tears to my eyes, because faith I neleive is knowing without a doubt that there isHeyHey a God and knowing and believing this is something we cannot do this alone. Many years ago I was a strong Christian but I stopped going to church stopped praying and there I went so much worse than I was before, like for the last year, sinner beyond sinners. A couple of months ago I knew I was getting out of control and asked God for help only to take more and more.. Yesterday my rang and someone whom I know and admire for their faith, called the Lord had impressed them to call me and pray with me and pray for me. I told them my addiction and I'm still asking God for help every hour on the  hour.. Ive always heard give your problems to God and I have only to take them back and not trust him, but my way didn't work, his way has to, it might get worse before it gets better but all I can do is ask him, trust me k believe He has forgiven me but I am finding it hard to forgive myself.. God Bless You!

[ribs2k]

Hi Sal,
I am in the middle of stubbing my toes over and over again. I went from Oxy to Tramadol back to Oxy. Each time going cold turkey. The first time quitting Oxy I went almost 30 days and really thought I had it. Out of nowhere I was blindsided with an urge and no questions asked reached for a pill. Can you help give me some advice about what finally helped you quit. My fear of the withdrawals is the worst but I have been through it 3 times now. I am going to AA and NA meetings and I think part of my problem is faith. I was raised in a strong christian family and belief and faith was always assumed. After my mom died when i was a teenager and dad moved away, I realized I didn't personally have that faith, that it was through mom's beliefs that held me in the belief i had faith. Whew, sorry for the lifes story.
I guess I truly believe that if I can find that faith I can give god this addiction and finally be free. I don't know why but your post just got me thinking and sounded similar to my situation. I also recently completed cancer treatments and am battling the pity party I've been having for myself for the last 6 months. Ok so to the real question.
How do I get the faith back in god and how do I use that faith to get over my addiction to Oxycodone?
Thanks.
Randy  

[salsinator]

Thanks Pat and Lil,

One of the biggest mistakes that I made was walking away from my support and not asking for help when I fell down.  Deep down, I knew that what I was doing was very destructive and was not the right path. Thank God for the love and understanding that I have at home and for my wonderful supportive friends.  

[Lilasme]

I'm fairly new here but have to tell you that posts like yours are what give the rest of us hope. I'm inspired by all the people here that refuse to give up until they get it right....welcome back...and best of luck to you : )

[Pat1956100]

Welcome back and great job on getting clean again.  You sound very happy and excited about your life.  I am sure with your great attitude you will achieve all your dreams