Here's my (long) story of opiate addiction. Any non judgmental insight??

A history on me: I had a severe shattered leg after an injury nearly 10 years ago. I was  25 at the time. I was prescribed Darvocet N-100 post-op. Up until then I hadn't barely touched advil for migraines I suffered from. I think I was given like 60 at a time. I only took them when I absolutely had to, and all they did was help me sleep through the horrible pain. They didn't know if I would even walk again. That was how bad my injury was.
In the hospital during the recovery of my 3rd  (I've had 6 to date) surgery, before the PT came to help me navigate on crutches, they gave me 2 5/500 mg Vicodins. I did the PT, came back to my bed, never got a buzz, was still in pain, but started sweating profusely and itching. The nurse, myself and my mom thought this was because of all the activity I had, and not having properly showered in 3 days because of being in a hospital bed. I had a ton of metal and screws, etc., in my leg, so to even swing it down off the bed was mind blowing painful. So another nurse came in, and said 'well, looks like you're having an allergic reaction to the Vicodin. They sent me home with Tylenol 3s. Lots of them. I didn't start abusing them really til I realized that #1 I wasn't in that much pain and #2 I felt euphoria. My doc, in between surgeries, would refill them, 60 at a time, with no questions.
Go a year later when I met my now husband. Didnt have a problem anymore with the tylenol 3s, had a couple more surgeries and yeah, I took more than needed but could proceed to a 'normal' life when I ran out. THEN....my husband had to have a emergency root canal. He of course was given 16 Vicodin ES. He took one and passed out, being that he hardly even drinks or anything. Up til that point, I always told docs I was allergic to vics. That's what I thought anyway. But God knows why, I decided to try one of his vics. I decided to take halfMy God, did I get superpowers. I got up, cleaned, cooked, did stuff that had been being put off.Took some with me wherever I went, those last 14 lasted at least a week. Then I was out. Had been to my very credible doctor for 'back pain' (irony is now I actually have it chronically) and she gave me felxiril and told me it may make me feel as if I had a hangover the next day. It didn't, but I lied and called her the next day and said I hated how it made me feel. She immediately called in Vicodin 5/500 for me. I didn't know why it wasn't working like my husbands..? That's because I looked at the labels and he had ES, I had regular. So ok, take one and a half of mine. I was out within a week of the 30 she gave me. Then doctor shopping, pharmacy shopping, lying to everyone I knew, taking handfuls at a time, having horrible withdrawals, etc. That supply ran out and I went back to the doc that would give me some every 2 weeks. He made a deal that if I paid the $60 visit fee, he'd keep me at 15 a week. I did that for a bit til my hubby didn't trust me with $$ anymore and my family had an intervention. At this point on was on heavy doses of xanax from the same doc I just mentioned. needless to say, I was out of it and everyone knew. my mom and sis came over and were of no help in getting me help I needed; they were yelling and 'how could I do this to my baby' etc. Like it was a choice. so my sis and hubby took me to a local hospital, where after checking me in they said they couldn't help. I called a million places and found a doc that prescribed Suboxone (an opiate blocker that helps with cravings and withdrawals). I saw him, he was supportive and i was on the road to recovery. 2 problems: I didn't get any counseling in addition to the drug therapy and this new doc prescribed Fiorcet for my migraines. Those made me feel great, energized, etc. Uh-oh. Also, he wrote his rx's on a regular piece of paper that was printed out, no different than a printer you'd have at home. After a lil while, I started printing out rxs for Fiorcet on paper at home, getting it filled for cash at multiple pharmacies. Then I thought, well, that works so well, let's try to write for Vicodin. By this time I had stopped the suboxone so I knew the vics would work. I went to one pharmacy, more nervous than I ever was in my life. I wrote it for 60 with one refill...realistic enough. I went after hours so they couldn't call to verify, paid cash, etc. Got it. Was so thrilled, went and did it again and again and again. Never got caught, but if I happened to run out, would go through the WORST withdrawals. So, I kept doing it. After another ankle surgery, the ankle doc gave me percocet and vics to alternate. Wouldn't do refills though. SO back to the fake rxs. Got so selfish with it that I went during the day, cast on and all, with my 11 month old and hubby to a grocery store pharmacy. They were taking forever and I lied to my hubby about what rx I was getting filled. Told him to go to the car and i'd be right there. 20 minutes later, they give me the rx, I was on a scooter since I couldn't walk, SO excited to go home and take some, and here come the cops and stop me. Spent 48 hours in a disgustingly dirty city jail cell, and went to the courthouse with all the drunks, crackheads, wife beaters, etc., that were in other cells, and they said $800 or 30 days in jail. My father in law went to the bank and got the $. Within a year, I decided I was so desperate for more I tried it again. The pharmacist kept going in the back room, it was taking forever. So I paid, signed, and turned around. There was a cop telling me to put my hands behind my back. I  nearly fainted, as I knew this time no one would care, help, etc. So Im in the back of a police car again, a new city, they searched my vehicle, and took me in. I was searched there, put in a cell, and there ya go. Because there was a cop that got shot the next day, I couldn't see a judge. So 48 hours again and I saw a judge. He said $2500 bail (it would be $250 to get me out that day).My mom put 5 minutes of time for me to talk to my hubby on the phone. THis was like 40 hours into being in a tiny smelly cell with a metal plank to sit on, with male cops looking in on you when you took a ****. I was bawling to my hubby, and I thought all he'd do was yell. he loves me just so much that he was just as distraught as i was; no lecture, etc. I begged him to come get me. He didn't have the $.  So after the judge set bail, over 2 hours later and I knew no one was coming for me this time. A cop opened the door, took me to the booking room and had me put on my shoes and coat. Wow, the relief. But then the cuffed me and said I was going to county jail. They took me in, put me in a holding cell with one other woman, who turned out to be a prostitute who thought she may have H.I.V., then another woman came in who stabbed her lover, then a crack addict who got caught shop lifting formula to cell to inner city women so she could buy crack. In the other dozen or so cells, men were yelling and hollering and joking, and one was proud he had just killed a guy. I am not someone who puts myself in any mode to think that I am above anyone in this world, but if this wasn't rock bottom, then I didn't know what was.
My uncle, who is a sheriff at the county jail came and had his wife bail me out. I'm on probation for another month. My thing is now...I still have bad pain, a slipped disc, was just diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis and my shoulder come out of socket. I cannot take NSAIDs since they raise my blood pressure and unfortunately cannot just live with the pain. Right now my doc has me on Norco twice a day. I refuse to do anything to get me in legal trouble ever again, but I'mm stuck between a rock and a painful place. I exercise, I take vitamins, etc., I do what all the natural ways say to do. Anyone who's kind of been where I'm at, as far as previous opiate or drug addiction but doesn't have a choice but to take pain meds?? Thanks for reading, please no judgment!!! xo

[eyeofhorus2010]

No one here will judge you. Most of us have done things just as bad or worse. What you will find is a lot of support and love. Since you have real pain issues I'm going to defer to those that know more about that. I was pretty much a recreational user and I have done some pretty sneaky, crafty things to get the pills when I was panicked about withdrawals. There are some really great people here with loads of tips and advice on how you should proceed in dealing with your pain issues.
Please stick around and read posts and stay in touch. It will help you more than you know. Good luck, and we'll all be pulling for you.

[Dav125]

Considering the fact you have demonstrated a weakness which has gotten you into legal difficulties, about the only possible option I could suggest (and to be honest I am not familar with these programs) is get refered to a pain management group. They apparently monitor one's behavior quite regularly in the form of drug testing to see if protocol is being followed along with other rules I'm sure. Being you have a record of playing with scripts, I imagine most of your regular practioners will be hesitant to take you on as a pain patient and prescribe stronger meds than the hydro you are now getting..

Maybe someone else in here has more experience in situations like yours that will spot your post and comment too, but my best guess would be a pain clinic as your only hope for getting meds that are more suited to handle your medical problems....

[eyeofhorus2010]

No one here will judge you. Most of us have done things just as bad or worse. What you will find is a lot of support and love. Since you have real pain issues I'm going to defer to those that know more about that. I was pretty much a recreational user and I have done some pretty sneaky, crafty things to get the pills when I was panicked about withdrawals. There are some really great people here with loads of tips and advice on how you should proceed in dealing with your pain issues.
Please stick around and read posts and stay in touch. It will help you more than you know. Good luck, and we'll all be pulling for you.

[WantToBeNormalAgain]

Hey guys,
Thanks for the responses. I just wanted to give a full background as this is my first time on here. Awesome site, very happy it exists. Most of the other ones are doctors giving the advice you'd expect to hear at office visits. A pain clinic is a very good idea; I believe that is what I will look into for the next step.
Use in the recreational area or 'legitimately prescribed/needed' is a tough subject for me. I'm sure I can speak for about 98% of people when I say that I WISH I could be one to take motrin and be ok pain-wise, and if not, get a small supply of something stronger, take one as needed and make them last and lead a normal life. It's just nice to know (not nice to know, but you know what I mean) that there's so many others who struggle like I do. Another problem is that I have a bad reaction to so many meds; when I first went into the hospital after my accident, they gave me morphine. I kept asking for something for pain, and they kept telling me they gave me morphine. They tried again recently when I had my gallbladder out. Same thing = no reaction. Ultram makes me throw up, tylenol 3s make me itch, even at the prescribed dose. I was on the Darvocets but they just got recalled. I was taking them as prescribed for my RA; I was just so upset when they took them off the market, as there's not much of anything that can compare to them, they worked, and I didn't abuse them..frustrating!!
Of course I would love to hear from some one who is in the predicament I'm in - in legitimate pain but stuck as to what they can take. Pain management clinics are a good idea, although my RA doc is good about not over-prescribing, finding what works best and I would still need to see him on a monthly basis. i don't want to go to more than one doc at a time, as that, for me, would be too great a temptation.
On another note, the pain issue aside, I would appreciate words of wisdom, experience and support. I'm in tears right now looking at my little boy taking a nap and just wanting him to have a normal Mommy..one who is not addicted, one who is not sick and one who can run around and play with him without needing or thinking of pills. Thanks all for listening and commenting. Bless you all!! xo

[quitinoxys]

Wanto, I was in the same boat as you with the pain problem. After an accident in which I had a severe spinal injury and several surgeries, I was put on high doses of oxycontin for about 7 years. I finally got sick of living in a drug haze and went CT. I still had to deal with the pain issuses without opiates so I researched natural and other pain relief methods.  Now I get nerve blocks from a PM doctor, acupuncture and do yoga. These things have helped me cope with my pain. Another thing I found out was that after I got off the oxys I was only in half or less pain than when I was taking those evil pills. So what I am saying to you is there is hope and other ways of handling pain without using opiates. I know its easy to say all of this but I am living proof that it can be. I will pray for you and hope you take the plunge to get clean as you will get your life back. God Bless---Rick

[WantToBeNormalAgain]

Hey Rick,
Thanks for the insight. I'm really trying to exercise as much as possible, and this darn rheumatoid arthritis makes it really hard to move. Last night I tried doing some basic stretching and such, but my joints just don't allow me to be flexible much. I do have a 2 and a half year old, which, thanks to him, I HAVE to get up and move and lift and such. I live in a state that has about 5 months or so of harsh winter weather (20 degree highs and lots of snow, etc.) so it's not so easy to get out and walk..! In the months when it's nice out, I go for 1-3 mile walks with my son and dog. Other than that, it's really hard for me to do more than is required, but I am starting PT within the next week. It's just so hard to imagine not having to take anything at all. Things are more complicated with my ankle I've had 6 surgeries on too. I'mn so scared for this cold weather to really set in, as it just makes everything hurts even worse. I'll see what else my rheumy recommends, and I appreciate the advice and the prayers, keep 'em coming, I sure do need them. Thanks so much, glad to hear you're doing well!! Bless!!

[quitinoxys]

I know it looks like a long road right now, but you have to take it day by day. RA is a tough one to get through as far as pain is concerned an I hope your doctor can figure something out for you (other than opiates). You should give acupuncture a try it may help. I know what you mean about the winter cold, it kills me. I think once you go through CT and get it overwith you may feel better. I am pulling for you God Bless---Rick

[eyeofhorus2010]

It sounds like you're having that "oh my God, I'm gonna lose it all"  moment. I can feel the desperation in your post. I had that moment earlier this year myself. I was out in the back yard with my grand-daughter who was one and a half yrs old and will be 2 yrs this Christmas eve. I was playing with her and I could see my wife and daughter thru the kitchen window laughing together and preparing dinner for us and I started looking around at my neighbors houses and my own and thinking life is really good. For some reason the thought of just how large of an addiction I had to pain killers and the sources I was using to get them collided with how fortunate I was and I the thought of losing it all was staring me in the face. I realized the next step down from where I was, was going to be the one that took me to rock bottom and see it all be taken from me. My home, kids, job and my beautiful wife of 21 years. That was when I got desperate. 9 years of wasting opportunities, money, and most of all my dignity. I got clean late this past summer and was really struggling with relapses, used a couple of times and then I finally reached out. I had to finally admit to myself that I was not strong enough to do this in secret. I found this website by pure accident and thankfully so, too. It was like recieving a sign or something because reading about others that were sharing the same problems and mental anguish became my new DOC. This is therapy I can access 24 hours a day 7 days a week. I bonded with a couple of people here more than others and you will too, it's just a matter of finding who you can most identify with and they are a great source of inspiration and courage.

If you feel you just can't work any kind of program right now for what ever reason (and you don't have one good enough honestly) then at least get everything you can from the kind folks here. The physical part is going to be all you and that is hard but there are many tips and tricks and natual remedies to be found here to help through that part.

But the mental part can't be done alone. I've tried for years and failed every time. I consider myself to be pretty smart (don't we all lol) and after having read thur 60 pages of posts and comments I can confidently tell you that the ones that get clean, get help. The ones that relapse time and again, don't.
Be proud of yourself, as your are taking that first step.  

[ImDONENoMore]

Eyeofhorus2010 is right about reaching out.  I quit for the first time back in March, thought I was okay, and relapsed toward the end of May.  It wasn't until the end of July that I finally quit for good.  And it it weren't for this forum I would have failed again.  Eye is right when he says you have to reach out for help.  I truly believe that its impossible to get through all of this without all of the support you can get.

I have RA and was also prescribed darvocet, initially, before the horrible tramadol made it's appearance.  And I can not tell you how much better I feel without any opiate help.  I will take aleve in the a.m. to help with the joint pain and an excedrin, if need be, for any additional pain.  I also thought there was no way I was going to be able to manage the pain without narcotics.  I could not have been more wrong.

Congrats on getting here!  :-)

[WantToBeNormalAgain]

Hey Eye,
Wow, really does take one to know one. I was just about to come on here and say I am just having a BADDD day. I feel on the verge of a panic attack and I'm fighting back the tears after reading your post. I have my OK days and my bad ones, like tonight. My husband is about to go to work, and he is so supportive it's wonderful, but you'll never understand unless you've been right there. I've been 'addicted' to Netflix lately to pass time and get my mind off things, now it looks like I'll be here - which is a good thing and far more helpful than watching old shows and movies..A distraction is nice, but I need to face reality.
God, I get so angry with myself. I have this amazing son (2 1/2 yrs old), a wonderful husband, my freedom, not the best of health, but that could be worse..and what am I doing?? Obsessing about pills. Shortly after my trouble with the law, I went to an amazing group therapy. Insurance only pays for 4 weeks of that (went 4 days a week for 4 weeks), and had a new lease on life. Then the gallbladder came out, then the RA diagnosis in the same week. I was so proud of myself, when, at the hospital awaiting emergency gallbladder removal (it nearly burst and I wouldn't go to the doc for fear of pain meds), I was by myself when the surgeon came in. He spoke to me for 1 minute and told me he'd send my home with pain meds. Like I said, I was by myself and told him 'NO VICODIN - I was addicted!!!' and he said 'ok, I'll give you Darvocet' which I was honest with my whole family, etc., and they were all great (except my mom, that's a WHOLE other story, the woman is as motherly as Hitler), and took them as directed, still had mountains of pain, but held out. Then the RA doc wanted to give me vics, I said no, that i was allergic (just hate repeating in front of 3 residents and nurses that I was addicted; allergic ensures I won't be given them and goes on a red sticker in the chart), and so he gave me Darvocet as well. Well, since it was taken off the market, I wouldn't admit, but knew I'd be back here...obsessing, rationalizing, etc. Then he told me to try to Norco. I did, and 1000% honestly, it just wasn't the same as the vics. I know it's stronger as far as the hydro is concerned, but it just wasn't giving me that 'same old feeling'...But I took my last one last night (ran out 1 day early which for me is unheard of, it used to be 29 days early, lol), and now I'm freaking out. No w/d, thank God, but the mental thing is there. the panic is there. So maybe they did effect me like the vics, but not in a physical way, if that makes sense? I'm just 'thinking' aloud here.
So yeah, I'm angry that it's nearly 7:30 and all I can think about is Monday when I see my doc again. I wish wish wish there was something very similar to Darvocet, but there just isn't. It didn't make me 'high', I didnt abuse it, and I can't take more than one NSAID a day without my blood pressure getting elevated.
I just can't thank you enough for your post. Even though you made me cry, it's in a good way. It's just relief to know that I can sit here and write 'the sky is orange' and you all can tell I'm lying to myself and say 'you know the sky is blue'....in other words, like I said, takes one to know one. And to know that even one person out there knows and can read the panic in my words is a bizarre relief that helps me through the next few minutes even. Thanks for writing such an understanding post and sharing. Looking forward to hearing from  you again!!!

[WantToBeNormalAgain]

Hey ImDone -
Thanks so much, I am loving this forum so much. But I hate this panic. I know it'll pass, I've been through recovery before. I swear if I didn't have my son, I'd be in bed all day, just waiting til I can find an excuse to take or find more pills. I've stolen pills from anyone that had them whose house I went over, knowing full well most of the time they'd know I did it or have suspicion. I just want, like my screen name says, to be normal again. Whatever 'normal' is...But I want to get down on the floor right now and play with my son, read a book to him without thinking about the next day and how I'll get through. I hate this feeling, it's such a lonely feeling of desperation. Even my dog can sense it, it's ridiculous. But please keep the posts coming, as they're truly helping me!! Thanks all

[eyeofhorus2010]

I gotta tell ya, I'm a little relieved to now hear a little optimism and hope coming from you. As addicts we all belong to a brotherhood/sisterhood that's more painful to join than any gang initiation. Either we all succeed together or we all fail together. No one gets left behind. No matter how bad your addiction or what you did while addicted, we will always be the ones to see the beautiful soul hiding behind the mask. It's unconditional love at it's finest. I think you feel it don't you? I know I do and it can be overwhelming when we've spent so much time cut off from real emotion and true feelings. Addiction is not a character flaw or a sign of a weak mind.

I think some of your panic is a result of you finally seeing through fog and trying to force your mind to deal with everything that's wrong at the same time. That's the drugs doing that to you. Addiction wants us to feel that way, it's how it keeps us addicted. It convinces us that are problems are too big to be dealt with and wouldn't just a couple of pills make it all better.

And thing with Darvocet is that you certainly can become addicted to those. When I was a noob with the pills I started out with vics and when that became exhausted I found Darvocet and I used them over a 9 month period until I came clean to my wife and I went cold turkey. Those withdrawals were just about as bad as those I had with the Oxy 80's.

It sounds like you have so many reasons to take your life back. A great husband, a kiddo that can melt your heart with a hug, nice home,  and most of all you!  

You have friends here, and I haven't read anything in your posts that has me convinced the sky is going to fall on you or your families head. Take a deep breath and ease up on your self a little. Don't worry so much on what meds won't work on your pain. There is every chance that the meds you are taking are now creating a majority of the pain your feeling. Weird huh? but I understand it does happen. Take pain killers long enough and your threshold for pain gets so low that stubbing a toe feels like someone chopped your foot off with an axe. Get away from the pain meds, get clean and then assess you pain level. May not be so bad afterall. Like I said earlier though I am in no way qualified to offer up any kind of medical advice since I've not had to deal with yout type of situation but others here have.

As you can tell and will soon learn reading my posts I'm long winded and tend to ramble on and on. But I'm here for you if you just need an ear to listen. I want more than anything for you to get better.

[WantToBeNormalAgain]

I've cried more tonight reading posts than I have when I've ran out of pills in the past. If I literally had one person in my life who said half a sentence of what any of you had, I'd be a lot better off. Yes, my husband is very supportive, but to anyone who has never been an addict, it seems as if you say 'hey, I'm having a bad day' they think you'll be back where you started. He is my best friend and will listen to anything I have to say, but it's hard to be 100% honest and open with someone who's never felt panic over this kind of situation. As for my family; well, my mom is the ultimate martyr. She can't be happy, sad, empathetic, supportive or even let you finish a sentence without relating it to yourself. When I told her I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis, it was like I was telling her I lost my left sock in the dryer. When I started complaining of the exact symptoms that my aunt, grandmother and sister had with their gallballders, she told me it was gas. I've been told by multiple therapists and such that simply stated, I do not have a mother. My sister is as selfish as they come, and she can complain about her dysfunctional relationship all day every day, but if I mention I'm a little annoyed at a friend or something, she doesn't listen, and if she does, it's 'well, what are you going to do about it'...All my friends are ultra busy and don't have time for more than 10 minutes to talk on the phone every 3 months or so.

So...in other words, this forum is just everything I've been searching for in just an ear to listen, understand, and give insight. It means a lot to me, as I seem to be dumping grounds for so many people and I can barely get out a sentence about anything that I'm going through. So thank you.

I'm long winded too, and it's most likely for a combination of the above mentioned reasons. I was just reading on someone else who feels so judged for being not only a drug addict but a mother as well. I never knew how much I could love someone so much more than myself until I had my baby. He's the reason I'm here. I'm here to be his mom. So the whole drug thing is a huge thing I cannot wait to get more control over, but equally upsetting is how my shoulders basically are bone on bone with every move I make. The rheumatoid arthritis is advancing, and so many of the meds out there have so many bad side effects, like cancer, infections, etc., that they aren't worth the risk. So I'm trying to put up with the pain as best I can, and I just want to make memories with my baby other than barely being able to walk for 10 minutes without a rest. I know I know, having a mom who has to rest due to illness is way better than a doped up mom, but I'm just so angry at the situation. So much in my life has happened that I had virtually no choice but to take the pain meds, and things just seems to keep coming. I'm not looking for a quick fix answer, but a happy medium would be so nice. You'd think with all those pharmaceutical companies there would be something by now. But I'll take the earlier advice and seek out a pain management doc.

Now I'm just ranting...sorry! It just helps even getting this out to people who instantly care. I've never had that before. My stomach is in knots, and it's like I just want to go to bed and wake up refreshed in the morning with new insight. Maybe this is just a really really bad day, and tomorrow will just be really bad, the next bad, and so on. I have to believe that. But darn it, I wish it was enough to look at this gorgeous child I created and say 'who needs anything but him'? And it's like I feel that way, but something is blocking me from knowing it 1000%. And I want my motivation back darn it. I want to make dinner for my kid without having to feel chemically altered. Whew.....sorry...ranting again. But thanks for the kind and insightful words, keep em coming!!!

[eyeofhorus2010]

I know what your saying about the spouse thing. One of the times I had quit I was feeling the need to express what was going thru my mind and began talking candidly about it to my wife. She said I sounded like I proud of my addiction. I was just excited to get to share my feelings. After that I didn't go into much detail about. She too, has been super supportive but you're right..... Only an addict can truly know what goes through our minds. Non addicts believe that if you had just a little will power you'd quit. I don't how many times I wanted to say " Oh really, a little will power? Why didn't I think of that".
Non-addicts get so frustrated trying to deal with us. They don't realize that we get just as frustrated dealing with them. The worst part is the stigma that comes with being labled a drug addict. It's what prevents most of us from seeking help when it's the only thing that can save us.  Take you and me for instance. I knew better but I took them just to get high and spent 9 years chasing it. You took them for legitimate reasons to relieve real pain. I'm the type of addict that disgusts people because I was taking them just for fun and yet you get lumped into the same group as me. WTH? I deserved what I got, you didn't.

I quit back in August but because I used on 3 different occasions since then and those were one time deals each time, I'm at 30 days since the last use. So I did the withdrawals, and went thru the loneliness followed by a bout of depression and now I'm feeling really good. I get lots of help here either passive help (simply reading) or actively by posting and asking questions.

I will promise you this, being clean feels just as good as you're imagining it to be. I got up this morning, showered and was out the door at sunrise to go christmas shopping with my wife. I had a great time! I played with some cool toys at ToyRus, enjoyed being among people and they were everywhere, and had a nice lunch which our daughter joined in on. And this was all on my own steam power.

When you go see your pain specialist and get those issues worked out, please stick around here with us and let's get you back to where you belong too. Yeah?

[WantToBeNormalAgain]

First off, you didn't deserve what you got at all. That's not fair to say about yourself. 30 days!! Amazing. One minute, one hour, one day, they all feel like an eternity and a month is a great feat. Yes, I started taking them due to many pain issues, but there are plenty of people who take pain meds, even stronger than what I took, for years and years and don't become wrapped up in the addiction. You and I and others in this forum just have underlying issues as to why we wanted to escape reality. And one month being hooked, 9 years being hooked - same thing in my book.
I know what feeling clean is..finally doing like what you did - going shopping, out to lunch and actually enjoying yourself. And I had finally gotten to that point in January of this year..all the way til September during my gallbladder removal. But still 'only' having the Darvocet was a huge step for me. I would, a year prior to that, have jumped at the excuse to get Vicodin.
This forum, even though I just joined last night, has already helped so much and I'm so thankful for the understanding and insight..otherwise I'd be sitting here with horrible anxiety wondering what to do.
And back to 'what you deserve'...I don't care if you bought them, sold them, were prescribed them, scammed to get them, etc. We do have something in common - no matter how we obtained them, we abused them to get high, be social, to get through the day. I'd look (and still at this point do) at other people, be it relatives, neighbors or strangers and just wish I could put on a smile and joke and sleep and go about life without this CONSTANT thought. For God's sake, half my dreams at this point are about pain meds...having dreams that I wake up and have a bottle full, or dreaming that a doctor gives me an endless supply. I've even got so desperate as to look around the house for a glimmer of a hope that maybe I dropped one somewhere. I know how this part goes..obsessing non stop, then maybe 20 minutes goes by where I'm ok. Then I cry, then I hate myself, then I can actually sleep for 4 consecutive hours. Then the anxiety sets in.
And talking to the spouse is, like you said, just not satisfying like it should be. We put up with their neurosis, vices, etc. And I'm sure a lot of us addicts are the same in that we take on the world's problem and ours are left hanging. That's a nice excuse to get high...helps you help others more productively it seems...?
Well anyway, just had to reiterate that you in no way, nor does anyone, deserve this disease. That's what it is. Doesn't matter how it started, it happened and now we're dealing with it. I'm no better than anyone here or anywhere else. Your comments and insight and understanding finally make me know that there's someone out there who gets what I'm saying before I say it in regards to this addiction. Thanks for listening, caring, and posting.

[eyeofhorus2010]

You originally reached out looking for help. And here you are reaching out to help me feel better. Thank you.

When I say I deserved what I got, I'm merely saying that my addiction is something I brought onto myself. There was no medical problems that got me started on them that eventually led to addiction. I intentionally took a couple to get that nice warm fuzzy feeling.

So anyway, how are you feeling today?

[WantToBeNormalAgain]

Well, whatever brought us here, we're here. That being said, I'm not the only one going through this tough battle, so if I can make anyone feel any better at all, it helps me to do so..And I think in a way, I brought mine on myself as well. I had access to the pills and starting abusing them when I saw how they put me in a better mood, made me motivated and helped me get through the day, and not just in regards to the pain.

Well glad you asked how I'm doing today. Slept ok, I'm not in 'active' withdrawal, just the emotional part of it I guess. But I'm in quite a bit of pain today. I've always had back problems (bulging disc, ow!) but what really hurts, and hurts every single day for 2 months now are my shoulders. I wear a bengay type patch, I'm having an affair with my heating pad, I'm only allowed to take 1 motrin a day as it raises my blood pressure, so I'm doing all I can to try and alleviate the pain. I had a moment of near weakness when I almost paged my rheumatologist to call something in for me that's stronger. But I didn't. I knew my hubby would question it, although he knows the pain I'm in. And I'm not just talking about 'hey, that kind of hurts a little'; I'm talking that when I get dressed in the a.m., change my son's diaper, anything that requires movement of my shoulder at all, it cracks and pops nearly out of place. I was examined by a sports med doc who confirmed this; I wish I was making it up to justify wanting meds, but I'm not. The pain, without having to move my shoulder, shoots into my collar bone, jaw, ear, and down to my wrist and thumb. I start PT late next week, but what I wouldn't give for something for the pain!! It also causes my migraines to get worse too. Lots of fun. So expecting me to function on a normal level is like asking for a miracle. But I've got this precious little guy who needs me to put on a game face. At least he's happy today watching Toy Story. Gives me a little break in a way.
SO anyway, how are YOU doing today? Hope you're having a day like you posted yesterday!! Thanks!

[eyeofhorus2010]

I feel so bad that you're suffering so much. I honestly don't know where women get the strength to endure as much as they do. I'm not so sure I could be as strong if I were actually suffering pain.

So far it's a really good day. I feel good physically and generally in good spirits. I took my wife out to breakfast this morning and then I held her purse while following her around shopping. It was confirmed on here last night in another post that I am indeed a jackass and should start spending more quality time with my wife. Tuesday will be our 22nd wedding aniversary. So I'm going to make every effort to be with her in the present and not just be in the same room with her. She deserves so much more than what I have been giving her. I would be lost without her.

I tell ya, life is so good when you can think about something other than where the next round of pills will be coming from or worrying if you're about to be a part of some kind of sting operation. (the things we do huh?)

I hope you find some peace today. And I truly am hoping that your troubles will be small.
You are an amazing woman that deserves the best life has to offer. Check in later?

[mpace6983]

WOW! I thought I was reading my biography. Except in county jail, I found out about Dilaudid! Nector of the Gods. Anyway short story. Put all you defences in place. Go to a pain management Doc. (A REAL ONE!) Level with him. Make sure someone responsible is with you when filling rx. and They keep and dispense the meds. Better If its some one not in the house (your uncle the sherriff ?) and he could only dispence a day or two to your Husband. He should keep them with him. The senario is You cant keep the meds with you and your husband isn't able to keep you out of them so someone else who will take action is the only person who can keep those "little darlins" in their little nest and protect them from evil. Your good, so dont decieve yourself again. Level with everybody up front, not on an as needed basis. Hey< There's no feeling like hanging paper and turn around to meet the cops, is there? I have the same deal and I hate it but,Oh well. Goodluck

[WantToBeNormalAgain]

Happened to be on here still, it's a very snowy cold day here so it's a nice relaxing day for the most part.

Glad to hear you're having another good day, that's awesome, well done! Uh, from your amazing words of encouragement, understanding and wisdom has come some deep cleansing breaths on my end. In what I've read from you, you are in no way a jackass. Listen, we've all been jackasses and worse to the people we love the most while using or thinking of using, etc. And any guy who holds his wife's purse is a great guy in my book; sounds like my hubby. He's been through the ringer with me...watched me get arrested for writing a fake rx while he held our then 11 month old. Isn't that the definition of jackass?? Point being, you've moved onward and upward.

I know what you mean by wanting to give more to her than being physically present in the same room. And we've discussed before how hard it is to speak with a loved one who's never been an addict; they have every intention of listening, caring and being supportive, but it's not the same as talking to someone who's been there and done that. On this forum, I am just so amazed at scrolling down the page for 1.2 seconds and finding such similar stories to mine. Misery loves company I suppose, and it really does just help to know that there's others out there who know what we're saying before we say it.

And congrats on the 22 years...wow!! Happy anniversary! I know you want to give her more than you are now, but I think, just like physical and emotional w/ds, our relationships take time to 'get back to normal'. The fact that you're out and about and having generally good days is amazing and something I admire greatly. I know you'd be lost without her, that's how I feel about my hubs. But she obviously feels the same, or she would have been gone when you were in the midst of your active addiction. Hopefully that puts perspective into things. Whatever it takes to keep you sober and happy, do it. She obviously understands that you get support from other addicts here, and I'm sure she struggles with the fact that she can't give you that exact support. Just talk to her and let her know, like I did my hubby, that there's insight on here that only other addicts can give. Just the way you are wanting to be there for her, she wants to be there for you. It's 2 different kinds of 'being there' that will eventually go back to the pre-addiction days, or at least close to it..

Being a woman, a mom, and in constant legit pain really gets frustrating. I won't lie. But it's just the cards I was dealt and not much I can do to change it!  But thanks again for the kind words and understanding. Unfortunately, I'm still having the obsessing about pills thing, antsy, though not as bad as last night when I was in tears, but I know this will pass and am SO thankful that I have no physical wds. I think that has a lot to do with actually taking the Norco as prescribed, but I've been out now since Thursday. So now it's pain I'm feeling, and the emotional wds. But again, would rather have these emotional wds than physical wds for even a moment. I guess I have to see things as half full...

And p.s. - you are giving your wife what she deserves - a sober and generally happy and supportive husband. Just because you are a recovering addict doesn't make you anything less than that. As addicts we love to abuse ourselves, look down on ourselves, etc., but you have every reason to pat yourself on your sober back. You've accomplished what I think is one of the hardest fights anyone could fight. Congrats to you. Talk to you soon, hope your day stays great!!

[WantToBeNormalAgain]

Hey there, mpace,
just read your post. Cannot believe there's so many of us out there. What is your story, out of curiosity? And yes, first thing Monday I will call around for a pain clinic that takes my insurance and start on the right path yet again. I guess it's just denial (mostly due to the way I was raised) I've been in as far as the pain. I complain to myself and my hubby about it, and then mention it to others and say 'ah, I'll get through it' and hang up the phone and cry. Pain stinks, and I hate how limited I am on what I can take.

I honestly think I have post traumatic stress disorder from the whole being arrested ordeal. I live on a main road, and so people get pulled over on my side street (corner lot) quite often. I'll be sitting here and see red and blue lights flashing and I go into a panic attack. I have not done anything illegal in the least to get into trouble again, nor will I ever again, but I see those lights and I have to look out the window to see that someone is indeed pulled over. In fact, last weekend, I saw those lights, made sure it was a speeder pulled over, and the cops stayed there for a long time. Then there was a knock at my back door....oh Lord, what is happening, I thought!!! But it was a friend of my husbands who didn't know he wasn't home at the time. WHEW. I mean, what in the hell would they come get me on a Saturday night at 9p.m. for??? So that's why I think I have the PTSD. Yet something else on my list to get help for I suppose.

So anyway, I would love to hear your story if you wouldn't mind; it just helps to hear other's stories here. If you don't want to share, that's fine too! Hope you're doing well, take care!

[jeffclowns]

wow that was a story and you been through a lot, sorry to hear about all the legal problems you've been having ,i didn't know what to think when i seen that long story i was like do i read ,do i not ,but i am glad i did (word for word )and wow that's such an insightful story and you may have even helped someone change there mind if maybe they were ever thinking about doing something like that, so that's awesome you posted it.and no one judges here this place is awesome everyone has skeletons in there closet and pill addiction sometimes brings out the worst in people ,but stories like yours can help and make people realize that there is a problem ,so thank you for sharing your story i wish you the best in your recovery because life without pill addiction is awesome and i know you will just love it ,god bless you..jeff..

[Ballgame]

Well it's clear you shouldn't have narcos.  Pain Mgt  is not the right place.  They deal in meds.  
I'd say talk to family dr and be honest.  

I'm worried for you that if you go to pain Mgt and get pain pills you'll start this again.  

I'm not saying you are doing this but if you really want pain pills the body just starts to hurt.

I'm worried for you

[WantToBeNormalAgain]

Hey Jeff  and Ballgame -
I wrote a long winded and specific response to what you both had written..then my computer froze and I had to restart it without saving! :( Anyway, I just went into more of an explanation of the history with my pain. So.... both of my shoulders (the left once, the right one twice) came out of socket when I was 7 or 8, then the right one again when I was 22. Then I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis this summer, and it has progressively gotten more painful, especially at the sites where I've had previous injuries. My right ankle was severely shattered and I've had 6 surgeries and they didn't know if I'd walk again..I have still been in pain, but can tolerate that pain more than my shoulders. They crack and pop and send pain into my neck, jaw, ear, wrist and so on. Every day that passes it gets more and more painful.
For treatment, I tried everything before turning back to narcotics. I got sober in January 2010, put up with the pain I was having then (nothing compared to what it is now) and pretty much resorted to the fact that I'd have to put up with it and that I deserved it. After being diagnosed with the RA, I started on some NSAIDS that the rheumatologist prescribed. My blood pressure kept going up, so they said no more NSAIDs, even Motrin was permitted when I reallllly needed it. Heating pads became like part of a uniform, and the pain continued to get worse. Then the rheumotologist started me on Ultram. With or without food, it hurt my stomach so bad it wasn't helping but hurting me. Then it was giving in time, and the doc gave me some tylenol 3s. They made the pain a little better, but for about 2 hours. I wasn't about to start taking that like pez; besides, they made me itch. So then the doc gave me Darvocet. I'd had it in the past and knew it didn't give me the same reaction as vicodin did, so I thought I'd try it. That combined with the bengay patches, heat, ice, etc., actually worked. I wasn't 100% pain free, but it made such a difference. I wasn't abusing it, hiding it from anyone - it was like a new me. Then they took it off the market after it being on the market for something like 50 years or more. Unfortunately there's not really anything to compare it to, and I went a week without anything. I had no wd's from the Darvocet, but the pain was just intolerable. My doc started doing injections. They'd help a little at the site where the injection was, but the pain was still bad in my neck, jaw, causing migraines (which I have suffered from since I was 14). Then came the vicodin rx. I was so scared about it, but got off of it since my migraine meds had tylenol in them as well, my doc was concerned about the amount of that. That's when Norco came into play. My rheumatologist put me on the 10/325, and I was handling them well. He said only 1 every 12 hours, but there was about 2 or 3 days where, after not sleeping for hours on end because of the pain, I would have to take one in the middle of the night. I went to my primary doc today, told her I didn't want to be on the 10s, so that way if I had to take 3 within 24 hours I wouldn't be taking all the 'extra' hydrocodone..She put me on 7.5/325 norco and so far so good. It took a dose then another about an hour ago to have the severe pain go down to moderate pain. So that's my story for today. Sorry so long winded...
And to address the concern, Ballgame..: I thank you so much for having genuine worries about someone you've never met. I know where you're coming from. I used to work as a receptionist at a pain mgmt clinic. They were a genuinely good practice; so from that experience I know that there are other routes, routes that I'm currently taking or on my way to taking (such as MRI and other tests, non narcotic pain relievers, heat and ice, bengay, etc.). They even did drug testing on people that had a previous addiction but still needed pain relief of the narcotic variety. I wish I was scheming or falsifying my disease or pain. That way I wouldn't be so depressed at not being able to keep up with my son, or envisioning him with a sick mom all his life. And I know he doesn't need a junkie or a pill popper for a mom, but I'm hoping that's all out of my system..I'm hoping to find a happy medium on the fine line that is my dilemma. None of us, as addicts, can say the word 'never'. We don't know what will happen in an hour, tomorrow, or next year. But all I can personally say with conviction is that I will 'never' again go back to that place that put me in danger of losing my baby. No illegal activity is in my future as far as I can predict and hope, and I'd like to say 'never again'...but that, from my experience, is a famous last quote.
Again, I appreciate with all my heart the support, insight, worries, etc., and I'll say again that I wish this was made up or in my mind. But I'm at a place in my life that I know I'm done lying, and this forum is the last place I think I'd lie..it would defeat the whole purpose of coming on here in my opinion. And Jeff, I never thought about my story helping anyone, but with your perspective, I can see that it may be true. After all, when I was reading someone's story last night, I had been through what she is going through, and it was cathartic reading it. So if my story helps one person reconsider something at their hour of desperation, then I'd be thrilled.
Thanks so much for the insight, keep it coming!! Hope you all are having a good day. Take care.

[Ballgame]

I understand the pain. I sure do!  I deal with meds just to be able to walk.
I'm just worried about your past behavior.  I'm worried you'll fall back into that routine. I have kids too. Not placing judgement. Just another opinion.  I don't have the answer as I go to pain Mgt for bulging discs in lower back. I'm addicted because of it.  

[worried878]

I read thru ur post
It would seem u have no choice but to stop taking pain meds
Everyone has a bottom....some have a bottom that is deeper than others' bottom
Some end up dead I guess or in prison...then it is too late

It sounds from ur post that ur method of pain releif has caused u a whole lotta pain and mental anguish....I am a chronic pain patient and at some point a pain patient that is also an addict,  has to stop and evaluate...u have to let go....addiction is painful more so than physical pain in many cases

I wish u luck

[worried878]

Oh
If stopping narcotics is not ur goal
There is a great pain forum on medhelp as well

[WantToBeNormalAgain]

Hey there,
Ballgame- I know there's no judgement, none taken. I'm the only one that knows what happens in my thoughts, fears, etc. Only time will tell the real story, but  what i know is that nothing, even the worst withdrawals, pain, etc., will never put me back in trouble with the law again. Especially now that my son knows the second my husband or I leave the room, let alone the house. So that's what I know to be true.
For worried878 - I guess, in so many words, my past method of pain relief is what got me to my bottom. A deep and dark bottom that I never thought I'd outrun and get out from underneath. I know the hurt and pain I caused myself and everyone in my life. That being said, don't think it's very fair to say I have no choice but to stop the pain meds. In my above posts, I have said thator I am taking many measures to help with the pain, and for right now and hopefully for not too much longer, that regimen includes a narcotic pain reliever. I was sober from January 2010 through September 2010. I ended up in the E.R. with a gallbladder that was literally about to explode. I had been putting up with what I knew was gallstones, because, like I said above, I thought I somehow deserved the pain. Also, I was denying the inevitable surgery because I knew I'd have to be on a form of narcotic pain relief at least right after surgery. They offered me pain meds in the E.R. when it was found that my gallbladder was ready to explode; I said no. And not until the doctor said 'there's no need for you to be in pain' did I give in and say 'ya know what, you're right'. And for once in my life, it wasn't justifying, rationalizing or lying that I was doing to get pain meds. It was reality. I had to stay in the hospital for 3 days, where as when this is done in most cases (gallbladder removal), you're in and out the same day. Things were complicated, and even though I was in horrible pain post-operatively, I was honest with the doctor and told him that I had an addiction to opiates. He sent me home with Darvocet, and from the post-op pain, it gave me no relief at all. But still I didn't go seeking anything stronger. It took me nearly a month to recover, because of the pain, and after I was back to normal, I stayed off pain meds until the RA diagnosis about a month later. That doc put me on Darvocet in combination with other pain relieving methods, and that medication was recently pulled off the market. I feel like I've said this in every post, but I wish I was making this pain up or exaggerating it. I wish. This pain is all consuming, non stop, and interferes with everything in my life. It has progressively, in the past 6-8 weeks, gotten so bad that despite every measure, I have no choice but to include a narcotic in my regimen. My doc and I have a plan to get things under control as best as possible and take it one step at a time, beginning with PT and an MRI I'm getting next week. Until then, and sorry if I'm being overly defensive, I have to do what I have to do. i am getting them legally, under a doc's supervision, taking them as needed, relying on all measures of alternative pain relief also, and do not plan to take them long term. I'm getting to the bottom of this pain, I've already been at the bottom of my addiction. So thank you for the concern, and sorry so long-winded, but I felt the need to defend myself and say that yes, I do have a choice and it's an educated and carefully thought out one. Stopping narcotics is a goal of mine, and the addiction is not something that goes away upon stopping them. I'd say right now, my goal is again, to get to the cause and root of this horrible debilitating pain and go up from there. I will and have been meaning to check out the pain forum, and will do so soon, and when I get my MRI results, will be able to more accurately discuss what is happening there. Thanks again to both of you for the advice and encouragement!! Hope you are doing well with your goals and pain, it doesn't seem fair that we have to deal with the addiction in addition to pain... take care!!

[eyeofhorus2010]

Good morning!  

How are you holding up today? A little less anxious and a little more optimistic?  I say that because it seems like your thoughts aren't as erratic as a couple of days ago. I'm no pro at this but it sounds like you're really getting a handle on your situation.

The other night when we talking (saturday I think) I wanted so desperately to be able to reach out and give you a warm embrace and just let you cry on my shoulder until you got it all out. I've learned over the years that I don't have to fix my wifes problems and frustrations, (that's not what she wants or expects anyway) I only need to be quiet and just listen until it's off her chest. That's what I wanted to be able to offer you.

Everyday I've seen you get a little stronger and a little more level headed. Sounds like your tackleing your problems one at a time and weighing your options. That certainly isn't where your head was at 5 days ago was it? If you haven't noticed this change in yourself yet, take a moment to consider it. I have spent so many hours just reading through the archives and the trend I was seeing is this. Many posters whose story started like yours, full of panic and doubt and OMG what do I do now I'm so lost there is no way out, would lead in one of two directions. As I kept reading I would see that day after day their mind set was still just like the very first post they had written. So many people would offer encouragement and advice, yet the poster couldn't get out of their own way long enough to start moving forward. They eventually fell off the radar after a week or so and who knows what became of them.(scary)
Others with the same desperation and very similar problems went the other way. They put their problems down long enough to get a true grasp of the situation they were in. Following the advice offered they would start to rebuild the dam brick by brick. Those types stuck around week after week after week and you could see the change coming over them. Confidence, determination and the unwavering will to get better this time was plain for all to see.

Anyway, that was the long way around to getting to this point and that is I see you heading in the direction of success just like they did. So keep doing what you're doing because it appears to be working for you. Keep your resolve to do this at the forefront of your mind and you will succeed. For what it's worth, I'm proud of you!

[WantToBeNormalAgain]

Your posts seem to hit right on mark every time!! Your timing is scarily on target too!
Today I feel: hmm..well, I am in a better place than I was during my first post. That is a good thing, and I'll take any little step forward that I can get. I am really on edge/anxious today. This seems to be a cycle for me. I always feel this way on Wednesdays. That's because my husband has to start work and leave at 4 today. He's not home til midnight. I can deal with that. And he usually has Thursdays off, but tomorrow has to leave by 2 p.m. and won't be home until after 3 a.m. Then he's working Friday and Saturday, leaving by 6 or so and not home until 2-3 a.m. So, being home all that time alone on the weekends is hard for me, always has been. I think quite a bit of it is to do with the fact that traditionally, it's when you see friends and families getting together and going out or just spending time together. In the warmer months, I go walking after he leaves, being that it's light out until 9p.m. Now in the winter, I'm lucky if the sun is out at all, and it's dark at 5:00. This never bothered me before I had a child; now I feel very cooped up like a caged animal. I just get lonely and depressed, and that's when I would be out of control with using - when I was alone, lonely and depressed..I'm not saying I'm where I used to be at with those feelings, I'm just the type that is reminded by a smell, a song, a season, of what happened the last time I smelled that smell, heard that song, or it was that particular season. So in other words, I'm reminded that this time last year, I was deeeeep into using again and hiding again and lying again, and then (I hate HATE having to say this) I got arrested last January, forcing me to face my demon straight in the face, get the help I needed, re-evaluate things and get sober. SO...being that we just got our first bad snow of the season and it's coming up on almost a year ago, it's as if I'm having post traumatic stress from my arrest last year. I really think that's why I'm anxious without a real reason to be. I'm even shaking right now, because typing that just brings back the exact memory of what happened. I don't try and relive that moment, but I can't help but have it on my mind this time of year.

Maybe I need to look at the situation and realized I've come a long way. Not all the way, but a long way. Going the rest of the way will take the rest of my life. And don't get me wrong; being home with my baby on a Friday is where I want to be. But after the 3rd or 4th night being home by myself with him, and all this pain I've been in lately, I'm just getting down. I know a lot of people would say to then go somewhere, do something, etc. to get out of the house. With a 2 1/2 year old it's a little complicated. I don't have any help with him (besides my husband), and so we've just gotten used to being at home. I'm fine with that, especially in this cold, and I'm thankful to have my husband home most of the weekdays. But it would be nice to have him home on a Saturday night once in a while (never happens except that xmas is next saturday) to do the 'family thing' on a normal night when others are out doing it. A Monday afternoon just doesn't feel the same. God I'm sounding pretty spoiled right now..I know most women would be happy to have their husbands home a few days a week. But it's been this way for 10 years now..it gets hard.

So that's where I'm at today. Strangely, just writing about it put me in MORE anxiety, but now that that's over, I'm feeling a little better. I would love any advice you may have on what you do when you get anxious. And I hate how attached I am to the idea that my 'trauma' happened a year ago and so just seeing snow on the ground is putting me back in that moment.

So all in all, I'm better than I was on the first post, but not as good as I was yesterday. But I thank you so much for checking in and for your great words of understanding and compassion. I consider this forum kind of a shoulder to cry on, and I'm glad you're on it! You've been a big help and I appreciate your concern and understanding. It's more than I've had from anyone I know personally and it helps. Just hoping this anxiety stays under control and I'll probably be back here often through the rest of the day! Thanks again, hope to talk to you soon!!

[eyeofhorus2010]

Hey, at least you can pin point one certain time of year to get anxious about. I had a cloak and dagger thing going to get my supply so I felt pretty secure even though it did involve a couple of sketchy characters. But... Every time I would see a squad car pull into our parking lot (they were just there to use their radar gun) I would get so scared, I mean I was literally shaking and trembleing certain that this was the day they were going to escort me out in front of every one of my employees. I used to sit at home and cringe eveytime the door bell rang. Since I've stopped all of this nonsense 6 months ago ( I used a couple of times since hence my low day count) I don't get that feeling like the other shoe is about to drop. I know exactly what you're feeling in that regard. I hadn't thought about it but I haven't really had that feeling in a while now.

When my daughter was very young I was working really long hours, usually got home after her bedtime, my wife was really nervous about being home alone (w/o too much detail, a very bad man broke into our house while I was gone) so to make time pass she started creating these little daily traditions that they would do together just the two of them. Mondays might have been going to the mall to eat and shop a little, Tuesdays might have been a pizza night and they would make homemade pizza and put whatever they wanted on them cause I wasn't there to complain about olives and other such nonsense. But they had a routine Monday thru Friday. I was a little jealous to not be a part of that and she said it was kind of a bummer when I was able to get home at a more decent hour and that had to fall by the wayside. My daughters favorite was the picnic in front of the tv night. They spread out a blanket and had all kinds of junk food. It was their own little thing that was just for the two of them. Every morning taking my daughter to preschool she would let me know what day it was and I wasn't allowed, just me and mommy.
I think you're just going to have to be creative like that. Wouldn't hurt to find an indulgence that's just for you once in a while too.
Holidays are a little tougher, I know that. I sometimes think about christmas' past and I get a little melancholy too.
Maybe you and the kiddo could start little craft projects related to the holidays and begin some new traditions in that way. Do a different one every day leading up to christmas. Here's an easy one for little fingers. Cut red and green construction paper into strips length ways and alternating red and green make a paper chain, use scotch tape and then make it as long as you dare. Then string it around the main room you hang out in. Junior will be so proud everytime he sees it and it'll remind you of the fun you had doing it. I know this doesn't make up for your husband being off to work at night but it is what it is right? I say make the best of it and you and your son will have some great christmas memories and the two of you together will start looking forward to the holidays instead of cringing in apprehension.
Then again, the further you get away from the memories of your January nightmare the easier it will be.
When the anxiety gets too far out of hand do something kind of stupid (funny stupid) like a little goofball dance or something to break that mood and maybe get your son to laugh at you while your at it. Kids don't judge us no matter how dorky we act, at least when they're young. I don't know just try something when you feel it coming on.

And hey, hope to talk to me soon? Shoot, I'll talk to you everyday until we're sick of each other! lol.. I only use my personal laptop to come here because I don't want my young punk I.T. guy to see what I'm upto using the office network. I don't always take it home with me through the week and instead use my phone at home. So weeknights it may take me a while to respond back because like I said, I can't seem to get a thought out unless it's in the form of a book and I'm bad to fat finger the little keyboard on my BB Bold. If I were trying to write all of this on my phone it would take me an hour at least.
So, I'm clean today and I bet you are too. Tomorrow let's be clean together okay? I'm okay, you're okay...we'll just see what each new day brings. I'll catch back up with you afterwhile.  You're going to be fine, don't worry so much.

[WantToBeNormalAgain]

Wow..cannot thank you enough for all the words of hope and inspiration, not to mention the suggestions for passing time and breaking up the daily grind. Great suggestions. The anxiety has been a little better these past couple hours, especially watching some good movies. Or should I say, the last 35 minutes of a good movie. Take the mind somewhere else in a good way for a short time. But I let my son sleep a little and it was past 5:30..this means he'll be up til after 11!! Oh well, it happens, and I know the day will come when he doesn't want to stay up and hang out with MomMom. So I have to cherish these moments and not be so caught up in my stuff. And all those ideas, and the holiday traditions and such, will really come in handy the next few nights.

In all honesty, if this pain would subside for a little while I'd be so much more into getting silly with my son. For heaven's sake, I had to give him a bath today, and that's usually my favorite thing I 'have' to do with him, as we're being silly, as you suggested, and it's just always been our thing (I can see where your wife is coming from now with it being 'their thing', but I hope you have some just Daddy and daughter stuff too!!). So I'm so saddened now, because the shoulder pain is so debilitating that I can't lift him in and out of the tub, and it hurts simply to wash his hair and such. I know it's not my fault, but all I can think is that he has no idea what pain I'm in and therefore can't understand why I can't be my 'old' self. And he certainly doesn't get why Daddy has to lift him in and out of the tub, meaning he gets a bath whenever it'll fit in the day. I know that's fine, there's no rules regarding that stuff, but it just angers me so much. Why can't this pain just let up a little? Instead, every single day, it's getting worse. And worse as in it goes from "My God, I can't take this, the pain is all the way from my jaw to my wrist and everything in between" to "My God, this is realllly challenging my sobriety, interfering with even cooking dinner for my family I don't know how I'll get through the next day".

Yeah that anxiety of thinking the cops are after you or something...I unfortunately still get it, and for no valid reason. It's nice (in the weirdest way possible) to know that even people who weren't taking my crazy measures still had that fear. But when I see red and blue lights outside my house, whoa. Knees literally shaking. I always thought that it was a figure of speech. But I live on a main road and cops in this city love to write tickets I guess, because that happens probably once a month, right outside our house. I have engaged in no illegal activities at all, and I know they're pulling a driver over, but I still go nuts until I confirm that by looking out the window like a crazy neighborhood watch lady.

I just hope this pain gets figured out before I go certifiable. Maybe it's karma for exaggerating pain to get meds all those times. But in all honesty, I'd say I only exaggerated pain for unfortunately 20% of the time. I guess I'm a player in the chronic pain game. It isn't any fun.
But anyway. Glad you're having a nice clean day and hope it stays that way. And when I say hope to talk to you soon, I just mean I really look forward to your next reply, as they are truly helping me get by in my moments of anxiety or guilt or whatever. Glad you originally posted to me and that we're talking a lot on here. Like I've said in prior posts, my family is not one that listens even to one sentence about your commentary on the day's weather, let alone go out of their way to (ever) ask about what's going on with me/my life/my sobriety. Even after all I went through and put them through, and even after the conversation with my emotionally paralyzed mother in which she asked me 'what can I do precisely to help this time around?'  (the second time I got out of jail), to which I told her just to ask me how I'm doing, and if she's thinks I am or sees me doing well, to say so. And not just for the few weeks after things calmed down. I told her I never got that from her, even as a child was never hugged, told she's proud of me, the straight A's I brought home, and wasn't protected by her when, in a common abusive and loud fight her and my Dad got into (he's an alcoholic), protected her at the age of 13 and punched him when he was choking her in front of me and my then 2 1/2 yr old brother. He hit me and dragged me by my hair as he threw me up every major appliance in the kitchen. I had 3 tennis-ball sized lumps on my head and started getting migraines a year later and still suffer from them. And even then there was no attempt on her end to comfort me. I woke up the next day (the cops were turned away by her the night before) to my Dad sleeping still (and didn't remember anything and still denies remembering doing that to me) and my mo drinking coffee with her red eyes. And to this day, FYI, she's not one that cries, nor do we (my bro and sis and I) feel we can cry in front of or near her. Nor do we feel we can tell her something good, happy or otherwise. In fact, I didn't call her when I got engaged to my husband until about 8 hours later, knowing she'd have a very mundane response. But oh, will she go on and on and on and on about  her day and her job and her day and her job and it's all negative. It's toxic to be around, and we've tried telling her a few times how we feel but it's always to no avail. Several therapists have told my sister and I simply and harshly (but truly) stated: we don't have a mom. We never did, and never will. Doesn't make it fair or right, and we'll never stop wanting a maternal figure, but it's how it is. I honestly probably at this stage wouldn't have her in my life, but I don't want to deny my baby of a Grandma. And she's pretty good with him, although she won't 'babysit' him, because as she stated several times 'she did her time.' If I take him over there (used to be 2 times a week, but she has a car too...) I stay with him and do everything I do at home, only my dog can over there and play with her dog and run in their backyard. That's the main reason I go there..so I won't have to walk my dog (no fenced in yard at our house). Aghhhhhhh...So. That's a glimpse into family life aside from my hubby and son. That's why I've distanced myself from them. I don't even know whey I started on this subject. Oh well, just more insight into my world I guess!!

Oh, that's why I started talking about it..because of how I was saying I really don't have anyone to talk to or be supportive outside my husband, and even he can't offer me true insight or inspiration or understanding. An addict is alone in what we feel, other than other addicts I guess. That's why you were right when you first wrote me: this is like I sign I found this sight, and thank god for it. It's helped so much, where I wouldve kept all this in my own head, driving myself insane.

And on another side note, I'm glad you're long winded like me! So no worries, the longer the response, the better in my book! Thanks for listening and inspiring and just being here.

[eyeofhorus2010]

I've spent the last hour writing out a response and then deleting it over and over. My mind is racing.                 First off, I've read pretty much everything you've written since you've been here. Not just your thread but your responses to others as well and you have an amazing reservoir of compassion and patience. I'm truly humbled by your ability to look past your own pain and offer others comfort and support. You manage to put a smile on my face everyday. As a father there is so much I want to say to you, to build you up, to praise you for all you've accomplished and all you do on a daily basis. That I'll always try to be here when you want someone to listen to you because I value what you have to say.                       I have to admit I'm struggling here, using my phone to write this isn't helping either. I have so much to say to you but feel like I need to come back to this a little later. You are important, and I so value your insight and contribution to my own sobriety. We're gonna come back to this tomorrow morning after I've had a chance to collect my thoughts, okay? Your friend, Bob...  

[WantToBeNormalAgain]

Hey Bob!
Sorry to make your mind race!! That's the last thing any of us need..and I know you'll say no worries, but I don't want you to be preoccupied with anything I've been through.

I'm a middle kid, the daughter of an alcoholic, and it seems, a dumping grounds for a lot of people. DON'T get me wrong; I love to add insight and give advice to anyone who wants it. But when there's absolutely no reciprocation it gets tough after 10, 20, 30 + years of it..especially, like I said, when I need a mom, a dad, a sister, and so on. I have them physically but no matter what I do or say or hold back or push, I don't get them emotionally and that is that I suppose. If I obsess on the fact that I don't have it I'll only get upset and not be able to accept it. Luckily I'm at the point where I accept it. I don't like it but I accept it as the way things are and can only say I'll raise my son to be the exact opposite of that. Proof is in the lil puddin' since all he does is give hugs and kisses- we shower him with them and he already knows how/what context to use please and thank you at 2 1/2. That I am proud of, and again, if I can take anything good out of the screwed up upbringing I had (and my  mom I guess assumes that since I'm out of her house I don't deal with it..??) it's how NOT to raise my child. So I guess since I hand out so much advice and such it just shows that I truly still have a genuine care for people. Patience has always been my virtue, and if you met my husband, you'd know it for sure. He's wonderful, but he can be a bit manic/hyper, and it's endearing, but not always what I am wanting to handle (for lack of a better term) every day, all day. Things could be worse, and God bless him, he doesn't drink, smoke, do drugs, watch sports, play video games, and he does the dishes and takes out the garbage and he's a wonderful father. But he's given me more patience and maybe that was for preparation for our lil man, who is a firecracker like his Dad. And thanks for noticing YES. I do put a smile on my face every day, and it's usually for other people's benefits. I don't allow myself enough time to feel my emotions. I'm too consumed with what others think of my words, actions, etc. And I think that's why I get so sensitive to what I feel when I allow myself to feel it. I get anxiety and it's to the point of panic and tears. I feel sadness and it's like major depression for a few hours. A lot and probably most of that is because I'm limited to one person to lean on, and a person needs more than one source for all that emotional support. That's why I'm so thankful you're here!!

I've not noticed until recently, but I take up friendships with all these women who are 20+ years older than me. I just thought, well hey, I'm friendly and I love talking to neighbors and such, but there's a pattern. I develop these unique and bonding and lasting friendships with these women, and upon recent examination, realized they were all at least old enough to be my mom if not a Grandma or older aunt. I never had any of that. I had a Grandma (one died before I was born) and she passed when I was 13 and we weren't that close at all. My couple of aunts were physically present, but again, emotionally unavailable. So I essentially turn to these women I guess. One knows about the addiction, but I don't talk to her too much at all, as she's not the most cheery person in the world. There's another lady in the neighborhood. She's got 3 grown kids and 2 grandkids. We met since we both have chihuahuas. I started taking my dog over to her house 2-3 times a week and was always welcomed and doted over, something I was not (and am still not) used to. After about 3 years of taking walks and confiding in each other and really bonding, I up and told her how sometimes I'd be on my way home from a nice visit with her (we always have something to talk about, small and big) really wishing that I had in my mom what I have in her. I felt this way after our 3rd visit over her house (and her husband is like the Dad I never fully had) but didn't want to freak her out by saying any of that early on. But still, it does not make up for any of what I'm lacking. It helps, but I guess nothing ever will 100%.

That all said, thanks for such great words. And I can tell you are just as compassionate and understanding and nurturing. You've written and re thought and deleted what you wanted to say to me. That right there shows more than just the average person. Again, sorry to make your mind race, but I thank you so much for your help with my problems. I'll talk to you tomorrow then, hope I didn't disturb your sleep!! Thanks Bob!!
Alison

[eyeofhorus2010]

Good morning Alison, for real no worries. I promise you that I didn't lose sleep last night. Quite the opposite in fact. After my last post last night I slipped out to the garage to put my feet up and have a smoke. I had my legal pad out looking at all of the things I wrote about, the kind of person I am and what I'd like to change. How I treat myself and others and the type of person I want others to see. Part of that was reflecting back on my own daughters childhood. After a couple of hours I put a few demons to rest once and for all. I came away with a contentment I haven't felt in a long time. I slept with an easy mind. There again, I thank you because your latest chapter you've shared pushed me to do some more looking inward.
Our grand-daughter was with us last night, poor kid turns two on Christmas Eve, and as she was running around being silly I would re-read your post looking at her every few sentences. I was thinking how I would go ballistic if she were treated that way.

About the time our daughter turned two we decided it was time to try and have another. We had no luck. Even after having spent tons of money on invitro we just couldn't concieve (conceive). We eventually accepted that and our lives started getting busy so we put it out of our minds. I often think about the kid I never had, not in a sad way, just wondering what kind of person he or she would be now.
I'm a soft touch when it comes to the 3 women in my life, wife, daughter and grand-daughter. I'm wrapped around their fingers so tightly there's nothing I would deny any of them.
As my daughter was growing up and still to this day, I don't let a day go by without me telling her that I love her and that I'm proud of her. In school I would always tell her that good grades make me proud but good or bad grades did not define my love for her. Later as a teenager she would do the stupid things teenagers do and once confronted and dealt with I again would remind her that there is nothing she could do that would ever be so bad that I would turn my back on her. That our love for her was unconditional. I'm always sending her texts and posting on her facebook that I'm her biggest fan.
I've always been tough on her when it was needed but would never walk away mad at her. I would give her a hug and tell her I loved her but this behavior is unacceptable. She's a good kid and a great mom.
The day she was born was my greatest triumph. I cherish her and all the things she has brought into my life.

When I see or hear of someone discarding their child, crushing their self esteem, being abusive or making them feel like they are to blame for mom and dads problems instead of holding them up as their greatest accomplishment and legacy, I tend to get upset.
I mean, it doesn't cost a dime to tell your kids that you love them, that you're proud of them and to praise their achievments.
Maybe it's just who I am, I don't know for sure, but I tend to be a cheerleader of sorts. Someone does something right and I'll tell them "great job" or something along those lines. I randomly pull people aside at work and tell them that I'm thankful for their contributions and all of their hard work. Just to let them that it's noticed. I've always felt that sharing these things with them only costs me a minute of my time but it pays dividends long into the future.
So, maybe this helps explain what I was struggling with last night after reading your continuing story. You have so much compassion and love for people with so much to share and offer that I couldn't help but feel a little bad that you weren't nurtured during those early childhood years.

I don't want you to ever get the idea that anything you say causes me any kind of distress because it just isn't true. I'm big hearted so I will worry about people, and hiding the truth from me isn't going to change that.

Also, you say you feel bad that you can't even lift your son out of the tub and do other things with him that you want. Try not to forget that our kids look at us as perfect and he doesn't care that you can't lift him. The only one stressing about that is you. He will always see you as the person with all of the answers, as the only one that can make his owies feel better. Your hugs alone can reasure him that all is well and provide him comfort when no one else can. When my daughter would get sick she didn't want anyone except her mom to hold her. Dad is fun to play with but only mom could make it all better.

I was a little late getting to work this morning because I was on a mission. I woke up this morning and was watching the news and they ran a little story like they tend to do this time of year about the Womens & Childrens shelter for women needing to escape abusive relationships. Watching that along with you fresh on my mind seemed like a sign of sorts. I went by my bank and withdrew some cash. I went by the shelter and dropped my envelope in the donation box with a simple note "hope this helps" signed Alison.
Not that you're in an abusive relationship, I was just thinking about the children and the kind of life they must be going through.
Catch you later, Alison. I'll be around as long you want to talk to me.
Merry Christmas,
Bob

[WantToBeNormalAgain]

Hey Bob
I'm for once, at a loss for words...what you did with that donation is something I would never expect someone to do. That's completely amazing and all I can think of is how that could (maybe should) have been my mom and sister and I at a shelter, and how that money is going to help a family in need. The fact that you donated is amazing, and in my name too. Thank you so so very much for all you do.

Of course I was crying my eyeballs out reading your post. I'm so very very happy that your daughter had the upbringing she had, you guys are amazing parents and what every kid should have. I can't do anything to change my past or how I was brought up. Again, all I can take out of it is how I need to change the cycle and raise my little guy with all the love and nurturing I didn't get, and what you guys give to your daughter and granddaughter.

I'm so grateful for all the thought and care you put into your reply to me. You put things into such a perspective for me that I'm awestruck. You're right - our kids, at just about no matter what we do, look up to us as their universe and we can do almost no wrong. I'm so happy for your daughter that she has such a great Dad. You do so much for her that I wish I would have had, but I can't dwell on that. All I can do is move forward and learn from their mistakes I guess.

I'm glad you rested easier! I was concerned about that and glad I didn't interfere. But it really means so very much to me at how supportive you are, and how you seem to know me better than I know myself.

Today I'm doing ok I guess. Husband is leaving in 2 hours for work and won't be home until 2-3 a.m. Honestly, if I wasn't having this horrible pain I'd be better than I am. Last night for the first time, my arm was falling asleep and I was getting numbness in my fingers, due to whatever is happening with my shoulder. I have the MRI next week, but I've never had such a painful day as I did yesterday and being alone for the next 3 nights (and part of the days) is scary to me. I'll keep things minimal but that doesn't make it hurt any less. So I've got some anxiety about being alone and being in this pain, but there's not much I can do. I called my doctor's office this morning, concerned with the numbness and tingling and arm falling asleep. They called back and said my doc has done all she's can, that if I have that much pain go to the E.R. I can't and won't do that unless it's an utter emergency, but even so, really don't have that option with no one to watch my son. So...anxious about the pain and being alone, plain old angry that I'm having so much pain, and worried about how progressively bad it's becoming. My husband is going to pick up the muscle relaxers they called in for me. It's Skelaxin and from what I've read they don't help a lot of people, but they aren't addictive from what I've read too, so that's good. Last night, I found some Flexiril I had from my back hurting. They make me jittery but I was in so much pain that I took one. About an hour later, I felt so exhausted I couldn't see straight, but my legs couldn't stop moving. I finally fell asleep around 3:30 a.m. I couldn't sleep before that, even though I was so tired, because of the tingling and such in my arm  - there's no comfortable way to sleep any more. Then I got up at 8 a.m. with the feelings of a hangover. I know I should have slept more with that in my system, but my migraine woke me up, so I had to take a migraine pill...Ughh I'm so sick of pills. I know I'll never be free of them with all that's going on with me medically, but I don't know, I'm tired of it! Tired of it all.

Ok, that's my rant for right now. On another note, I had just put my son to bed and was feeling kind of down and upset at how I'll be alone the next few nights and about the pain, etc. I opened the door when I saw my husband pull up, and there on our storm door was a ton of frost, but there was an image of what I interpreted as 2 wings and a head that was untouched by frost. I thought that was pretty neat. Then I got a letter from my cousin in Arizona (he's in prison since 2007 for a DUI) with good words in it..I had confided in him a little about my mom and he offered words of encouragement, and it was just good to hear from him. So that is making my day better than it would have been, and reading your post has just been amazing. I thank you for all you say and do and you help me so much just by being here. Thank you again for your great post, and the unbelievable donation you made. Thanks again, and know that you are doing great with all the kindness you have in you. Hope your day goes well. Thanks again from the bottom of my heart.
Alison

[WantToBeNormalAgain]

Ok so....I've been on here a lot last night and today. Last night, I took my Norco and even though I just took the one, I got the euphoria. Uh oh. I loved how I felt and that I could get up and do a few things. After 2 hours my pain was through the roof and I wanted to feel that euphoria again. I resisted but that all that was on my mind. It's on the label to take them every 8 hours. It was 5 hours and I took another one. I'm telling you the pain was so intense I couldn't take it. I took it and didn't really get the same effect and took a motrin with it so as to ease the pain (that was more on my mind than getting a high). This morning I took one as instructed and got 'that feeling'. I was too scared of this. I knew what this would lead to. And frankly, at this point in my life, I'd rather deal with this debilitating pain than go through all the withdrawals because of abuse of the pills. I've been reading too many people just counting the minutes of not using, and I know all to well what that feels like. SO. I flushed them. I've never done that, as my addiction would always rationalize the need to keep them. I just got too scared. I've been through too much and can't go that route again. I'm saddened by this, as the Norco was truly helping me and I haven't abused it for the last month I've been on it. This stinks. But I'm glad i did it. So I took my last one about 8 hours ago and I'm ok I guess. I'm in a lot of pain, but my doc advised going back on my Neurontin to ease the nerve pain in my arm/shoulder. So I took those and I'm in a little less pain than before, but a bit dizzy too. Not in a 'high' way, but in a hangover kind of way. Just thankful that the pain is a little lessened and that I have no more Norco to tempt me.
So here we go. 8 hours of no narcotics in my life.
I just wanted to leave an update...hope to talk to you later and hope your day is going well, take care
Alison

[eyeofhorus2010]

Hey Alison, I'm so glad to hear from you again. Flushed'em huh? That had to be pretty hard I imagine. As I was reading and you said you got that "high" feeling my immediate thought was " Oh no! she should have just taken a half". And was going to suggest that but then of course I saw that you flushed them. I'm looking forward to the results of your MRI and hoping that a comprehensive pain management solution can be found for you. If it turns out that a narcotic of some sort has to be used I hope you'll heed the advice of others and get your husband to lock them up for you. I don't want you to suffer 24/7 and I don't want you to fall back into the trap of abusing them. Sort of a catch 22 if there ever was one. But you know what? Whatever may come we'll let the doctors worry about a game plan for your pain and you and I will continue to work on the mental part of abuse. I suspect that if I can get past the urge to use period then we should be able to get you past the desire to take more than needed and to use them as the tool they were intended to be. Might be that your husband will dole out your days allotment and if you take them to quick then you're going to suffer before he gives you the next days doses. And when I find out you did young lady you're going to get an earfull from me about it! LOL... though seriously, you will but I'll stand by you and we'll just roll our sleeves up and work a little harder.

Also, I hope you understand that my last post about my relationship with my daughter wasn't about me trying to say that I'm some kind of great person or dad. I just wanted you to understand why your post about childhood affected me so much. I hear stories of babies being found in trash cans or other kinds of horror and it crushes me because I wanted that gift so much and couldn't. That's all.

I noticed today at lunch my legs were giving me that achey (achy), wobbling feeling that we associate with withdrawals. I was thinking WTH!  But then remembered what the senior quitters have said about that happening periodicaly and is short lived and a little exercise helps. So I cowboy'd up and made extra trips out back to smoke and the extra walking seems to have made it ease up.

Wanna hear something funny. I have an assistant that helps me keep my work life in order and organizes my appointment schedule. She doesn't know about my "problem" of course. So anyway, the past couple of weeks I've been spending a lot of time here reading and posting when I feel inspired, well, she says to me " I don't think I've ever seen you personaly working on a project this much before. Must be really complicated or our biggest one yet huh?" I told her " In a manner of speaking, it is the biggest and most complicated project I've ever undertaken."  See, I'm normally out and about doing just about anything but being holed up in my office but until I get some quality time behind me with no use I feel it safer for me to just sit tight and avoid any triggers that hooked me before. Okay maybe not funny but it did make me chuckle a little because I guess to anyone that glances in here would think I'm hard at work.

And of course I will be keeping my eye out for you later on this evening. I think the misses is wanting to go have dinner with her sister and husband tonight so that will make for a really dull evening.

Keep hanging in there the best you can, I'm very proud of you for staying strong today. The flushing thing is just so incredible to me. You get a gold star for the day!
Talk to you later Alison,
Bob

[WantToBeNormalAgain]

Hey Bob
Yeah it was so hard to do. But one look at my little boy and I said, I cannot do that to him again. I just took my second dose of Neurontin about an hour ago and it is making the shooting pains go away. They only way i know how to describe how it feels is that it seems as if I'm a ragdoll with my arm sewn on but the threads are coming loose and my shoulders just kind of dangle. That's what it feels like.

Of course nowadays everyone diagnoses themselves via the internet. So when I couldn't sleep last night I googled some symptoms and it seems it keeps pointing to a torn tendon or rotator cuff. We'll see. Whatever it is, it has to be fixed. I was so scared last night when my arm fell asleep. I wasn't laying on it, I was laying on the other side. Then I got tingling and numb fingers. Scary. I think I may call tomorrow to see if they have any appointments sooner than next Wednesday. I just want to move forward!!!

I didn't take your post as a self proclaiming father of the century. But you give your daughter more than my whole family has given me in my lifetime. That's why I say well done you. She got what I didn't and that makes you an A+ Dad in my book. Everyone has they're downfalls as parents, but it's a lifelong process, much like addiction! We try and do the right thing, get down on ourselves if we don't and are proud when we do.

I am getting some aching in my legs, but not that bad. Maybe the Neurontin helps with that, who knows. But how frustrating for you to be so far out and getting PAWS effects..have you ever heard of that? I learned about that in outpatient treatment. It's post acute withdrawal symptoms, which can last a year after you're sober. How unfair! The first day is punishment enough..!!!!

That is funny about your 'project'..ha. But it is the biggest project, I'm sure. You're involved in people's sobriety. That's a lot, that's huge. And so far, as far as I'm concerned, the project is moving forward and progressing slowly but well! I can't say enough how much i appreciate your attentiveness and involvement. I told my husband about you and read a little of this morning's post and couldn't get through it without sobbing. You've moved me so much and are helping me so so much and it just means the world to me.

It's a little after 7 p.m. here and I haven't looked at the clock since around 4 or so. I'm planning on ordering a movie on demand and popping some popcorn after my son goes to bed. Faking a normal life! It's what gets me to lead a normal life again...fake it til it's real. These dull nights as you put it are the anxious nights. And just in the time it's taken me to write this (having had to get up about 10 times to tend to my son's needs :) ) my achy legs are more achy..ughh.why won't Motrin do the trick? It feels just like achy flu legs and you'd think an NSAID would help.

Good to hear from you again, post again soon! Thanks for all you do Bob, you are very appreciated!!!
Alison

[eyeofhorus2010]

Alison, how are you this mornig? After dinner last night it was decided that we should alll go to our historic downtown area for coffee and dessert. Lots of x-mas lights and carolers, it's pretty neat but I really just wanted to go home. Told my wife this isn't good for my recovery (she didn't take the bait) so I had to suffer the fool that is my brother n law even longer. He drones on and on about his business insight (did I mention he's an idiot) that I should bring him on board because he has connections that would be benificial...blah,blah,blah. I've worked very hard to get where I'm at, stuck my neck out, made numerous sacrifices and in the beginning spent more hours at work than I did at home. Now certain "friends" and family think I should give them a free ride. I've wondered for years now who my "real friends" are.  I don't think I have any.
I have acquaintances and colleagues but I feel most are,...I don't know....snobs?  You know, would they have had anything to do with me 10 or 15 years ago. I have a neighbor across the street and he's a retired army doctor who grew up dirt poor and made something of himself so we've become quite friendly and he's proved to be good counsel to me but that's still not very fullfilling. Sometimes I just feel so alone.

Sorry, I didn't mean to go off an a tangent there.

Are you managing okay today? My mother n law had to have a rotator cuff repaired and she was in complete agony before the surgery. How you find the strength to live with that and still manage to offer warm words of hope and encouragement to others is something I may never be able to wrap my mind around. Simply amazing is what you are.

Oops! Didn't realize it was so late in the morning. We're handing out Christmas bonuses at lunch time today since so many will be taking days off next week. I'm going to call it a day after that, run a few errands and then head home myself. I'll be looking for you later this afternoon.

By the way, I've reached a point now that taking Aleeve works on my lower back. Up until a couple of weeks ago it did about as much as a placebo. I think given a little more time the NSAID's will start to help some.

You're an inspiration to me Alison,
Bob

[WantToBeNormalAgain]

Hey Bob,

Sounds nice what you did last night, up until the BOTHER in law..ha.. I could never try and connive like that. I know I did for pills, but when it comes to people, I cannot ever put myself out there like that, to so obviously want to take advantage of a situation or person. I don't understand those types! Yes, finding your 'real' friends is hard. And I find that the older I get, the harder it is..people seem to resort to cliques and superficial things and stabbing each other in the back the older they get..it's w weird phenomenon. But it's not until we've been through a hardship and find out who sticks around that we determine who those real friends are. The process isn't fun or easy, but hopefully you're finding more friends than foe. I know what you mean about befriending a neighbor. I've befriended 3 of mine, all older ladies with great stories, life experience and insight. Or just nice visiting chats with them..I know that I'm compensating for the emotionally unavailable mom, but it's still nice to know that there is nice and genuine people. And if your neighbor is good for your sobriety and can offer good counsel then keep talking to him. I know it's not 100% what you're looking for, but if we can get that good energy in small doses here and there, we'll be ok, right? **and for the record, tangent is my middle name, ha...think it's yours too so we're all good!!***

This morning...well I finally dragged my very tired self to bed around 2 a.m. My son didn't go down until 11:30!! But we had some fun just hanging out and watching Charlie Brown christmas..I started almost nodding off while he was still up, not good! I was just exhausted. But after he went to bed, i didn't want my husband coming home to a messy house, so I cleaned up all the toys that were all over the living room, fluffed and straightened all the pillow and blankets on the couches (I love my blankets, must have 10 and always look at more at the store...) and cleaned up the kitchen and made the bed. Even put together our new lamp in the bedroom, as the old one was really pathetic and the shade had to be rigged to stay on..that went in the trash! So I was half asleep when I did all that but thought it'd be nice for him to come home to a messy but orderly house..is that an oxymoron?? Anyway, stayed up a little catching up on some DVR television (it's memory is 93% full, but lots of that is the kiddie stuff) and talked to my sister about MY stuff (small stuff, everyday stuff, but still my stuff) and we spoke for 90 minutes...haven't talked to anyone on the phone that long for ages! That was nice. Checked a little email and that sort of stuff and made myself go to bed. I literally have no memory of falling asleep. I only remember leaving the TV on and it was on the movie Shallow Hal. Didn't even wake up with my husband came home, I was that tired!

But I had a PTSD dream about jail..ughh... I know that's because I told 2 more people on here in detail about my story. It was 'real' prison I had to go to in my dream. ..thinking now, I watched a show about women in prison, duh. that's why I had this dream. Anyway, I was in what looked like a tiny tiny apartment, even had a big window and carpet and real beds. They let me bring my son with me. I was worried, as I knew he'd want to go outside and wouldn't understand why we couldn't. I was so sad for him but happy he was with me. Then they brought another woman in and she had her son, so I figured we would be ok. Then a really weird thing, I called my family from a payphone that was in the room, and you could insert little handheld Bibles to call instead of coins...wth??? Then it went into a dream where I wasn't myself, one of those dreams...and my best friend at the end of my dream, ended up being kidnapped and killed and months later I watched them pull her bones out of a river. Don't ask me where this one comes from. But nonetheless, I woke up with a migraine like I have been with the shoulder thing, but I knew this one was from griding my teeth due to the stress in my dreams. I do that a lot. I had a mouth guard thing from an orthodontist (he even supplied vics, woo hoo - like 5 years ago) but it was so tight that it caused headaches. I got it refitted so many times..it even cost with insurance over $300. Then I lost in anyway. So. That's my tangent for this post, ha!!

It's very hard getting through this pain. But good news is that the Neurontin is really helping with the nerve pain with my upped dosage. And I think it's what helped me sleep so good - I was in less pain and fell asleep on my back for once. (I get sleep paralysis if I sleep on my back sometimes, that is a scary feeling!!) And even as I have my laptop on my actual lap, Just having to barely stretch my hands out to type is making them shake..I thought it was anxiety, but I didn't have any this morning. I think that's more to do with the rheumatoid arthritis and the weakness in muscles that you can get with it. Or maybe it's all related. We will see!!

So your MIL had the surgery? I don't know for sure if that's what it is, but I realllly hope I don't have to have surgery. I've already had 8 surgeries in my life. 6 on the ankle, 2 for the gallbladder. I hate hospitals (does anyone like them?), but if I have to I have to. I know now to bring my laptop and DVDs and all that this time around...Did your MIL have a cast or a sling? How does that work...what do they do to stable the shoulder? I really hope it doesn't come to surgery, but maybe that will be a faster fix than alternatives and the possibility of them not working. I'll find out soon..

And on another note, I can only take NSAIDs 1-2 times a day, as they found they were raising my blood pressure. But after I said how bad my legs were aching, I took another Motrin 800 (when it was due) and the aching went away.

I really want to just hang out and sit around in my sweats today, but we have a birthday party tomorrow and have to go get a gift. Yuck. It's cold out and snowy and I'm just not in the mood to go shopping..but oh well, getting out is good for me and my son, as we're cooped up a lot.

Alrighty, have fun passing out bonuses, woo hoo! I'll look for you later, hope your day goes well, talk to you soon!!

Thanks!! You're awesome Bob!!

Alison

[smokindoja420]

You know that Norco is vicoden right? It's actually the highest dose that is made so telling your doctor no vicoden but you'll take Norco is retarded. .. I was going to a doctor saying I had "backpack" and was getting 120 Norco a month lol. No xray no mri... and on top of that was shooting up dillaudid .. so I have been going to church and celebrate recovery and n.a. meetings.. they help. I still take suboxone a few times here and there when I get the cravings

[IBKleen]

So "Smokindoja420"..I got the meaning of that screen name. This post is two years old and the member whom you are posting to is no longer active. Just thought you may want to know. Good luck to you getting clean!!