Aa
Here's the truth
Ok, well here is what is making me so depressed. I live in a state North Carolina) that I hate. I put all my thoughts and energy into my husband and children just to survive living here. For the past 30 years my parents and siblings spent hours daily judging my sister who over 30 years developed a drug addiction to both prescription and street drugs. She had no life, no husband, no children and in her opinion no reason to live. I knew she would die, so I spent countless hours a month talking with her and loving her. She started prescription medications when she suffered an injury as a teenager. She could never forgive herself for mistakes she made over the years and ultimately moved away from her family (me included) to get this North Carolina. She went in and out of in pationt Detox as my family made here feel like this was the only way to recover from her demons. We made her life hell. After my sister's death 3 years ago my parents and siblings have now turned there focus on me. It seems as though they need to judge someone else because it somehow makes them not feel as bad about themself. My family has known I have been on pain medication for years, but I took them the way I was suppose to and no one seemed to watch me to closely as they had my sister to focus on. Now, I to moved to NC as my family told me they would be here to help with my boys and share holidays together. No such luck. They seem to watch every thing I do and come up with there own reasons for why I may look a certain way on a particular day or sound not so good. The legitimate reason for why I took the Oxy was not what they wanted to believe was the "real" reason I took it. In there eyes I must be doing what my sister did. Well that was not true for all these years! Now over the past year I have been more alone and have more responsibility at home that I was not able to get it all done. I am a full time mom of 5 sons ranging from 7-17. I home school them all as the schools around here are awful. My husband is gone 4 days a week for work and I need to be able to keep moving. So yes I did end up taking more than I should have. A lot more! Each month I ran out sooner and sooner. I could see the pattern and knew it had to stop. So now, here I am. 16 days out. Suffering with depression and pain, no sleep and finding it so difficult to get done all I was able to do before I went CT. I can't stand the thought of being labeled. I know that NA is no judgment. I know it is not a place where your dirty laundry is shared around town, and that everyone there can in some way understand what I am going through. I guess I don't want others to see my most private emotions and insecurities. .
I don't mean to be scaring anyone. I am sorry for that. I am just so low right now and it is scaring me. This depression is a mountain. I can't seem to get over. Nothing I do seems to help. All the tricks to getting through the tough times don't seem to be pulling me out of this mess. I have no way to get any pills so I don't have to worry about giving in and taking one. My husband doesn't know what to say to me to help me. I don't think I can be helped. Nothing triggered this which makes it all that much more frightening. This is my own hell.
We need each other. . Don't forget that. Helps me when I'm frustrated and depressed to get on here amd just read the posts.. makes me feel not so alone..I realize it's just part of the process.. still mesrible lol but not so alone.. I would suggest talking to your doctor about your depression.. i masked the symtoms with the pills.. knowing ur back ground from here, u where depressed before u started pills like me...u have a lot going on like me... Prozac seems to be helping me.. consider it.. can't hurt.. may help.. I'll will be thinking of you!
Come on Sista,
I am pleading with you to re-think your decision,please? This is the cycle of w/ds, come now you read other posts, we are all cheering you on. We feel your pain, your misery, but dig deep my friend, you got in ya to do that.
You've already dug 31-32 days, your on the upside, congrats on your days!!!
Fight my young friend, God has got this with you if you let him.
Please google that poem "Footprints in the Sand"
xoxoxoxo
I am pleading with you to re-think your decision,please? This is the cycle of w/ds, come now you read other posts, we are all cheering you on. We feel your pain, your misery, but dig deep my friend, you got in ya to do that.
You've already dug 31-32 days, your on the upside, congrats on your days!!!
Fight my young friend, God has got this with you if you let him.
Please google that poem "Footprints in the Sand"
xoxoxoxo
YOU are good for yourself and your family! Right now you are not you. That is your brain doing it's best to trick you into giving up. You can not trust what you are feeling right now.
Think of your brain as a bird's nest crammed full of baby birds. For a long time you were feeding all those baby birds as much as they wanted. They were content little birds. NOW your brain is full of baby birds just screaming loud with all their sharp beaks open cause you aren't feeding them anymore. I swear to you if you hang in there all those noisy little birds will fly away as long as you don't feed them! If you feed them, they will NEVER leave. They will just stay in your brain screeching to be fed for the rest of your life!!!
This is seriously the analogy that gets me through my tough times. haha Maybe I need more professional help than I think. lol. But for me it works. I literally picture those noisy little birds with their sharp beaks screaming for food(aka pills) and think, no wonder I feel like crap. And I tell them eventually you will give up and move on cause you ain't getting fed here no more!! Please don't send the men in the white coats after me. hahaha
Think of your brain as a bird's nest crammed full of baby birds. For a long time you were feeding all those baby birds as much as they wanted. They were content little birds. NOW your brain is full of baby birds just screaming loud with all their sharp beaks open cause you aren't feeding them anymore. I swear to you if you hang in there all those noisy little birds will fly away as long as you don't feed them! If you feed them, they will NEVER leave. They will just stay in your brain screeching to be fed for the rest of your life!!!
This is seriously the analogy that gets me through my tough times. haha Maybe I need more professional help than I think. lol. But for me it works. I literally picture those noisy little birds with their sharp beaks screaming for food(aka pills) and think, no wonder I feel like crap. And I tell them eventually you will give up and move on cause you ain't getting fed here no more!! Please don't send the men in the white coats after me. hahaha
And u are strong enough.. I know what u are feeling, it's a I don't want to fight anymore.. want a break. Not a "not strong enough" we all know u are strong enough. . U need to find a way to just stand back and breath.. just a pause to catch ur breath..
Maybe u should think about the anti depressant route like me.. it's has helped me.. u sounded depressed before ur addiction like me.. worth a try..
What's going on......can you tell me how you are feeling.
You want to talk or vent....I'm here
You want to talk or vent....I'm here
I can't keep feeling like this. Crying all the time....this is bad! I was no good for my family while on Oxy, and no good for them still. I am not strong enough. I am way to low right now.
Wonder when the going back and forth will stop.. feeling good, then anxiety ridden and tired.. seems to be a common theme.. back and forth.. it does get discouraging on bad days.. good says u feel like man, I got this.. then bad day. I haven't had a bad day in several days.. hope it stays that way!!!
Guess Ike was right. Crashing and burning. There a few new people just starting out. I hope that some day I will be a support to them like all of you who have been here for me. Take Care All
Hi all, I am thinking I am going to let this thread go now. Start living my new life. I know I'm a work in progress, but I am not going anywhere. I will still watch the post's, so I can help others with what I have learned. I am now 31 days clean today! Don't you think it is time?
Anxiety, anxiety, anxiety! My days are better and my emotions are better. I even feel my strength coming back. I can now say I am getting better everyday. I waited 26 days to be able to say that. I am 30 days clean and I feel so much anxiety. It is with me all day long. Patty, BearsFan1966, and chig1130 I am so glad you all know of this feeling. It is a relief. I thought that maybe it was something I am doing wrong. Is this going to be with me for awhile? Let me guess TIME the four letter word that is just as bad as the other one. Does anyone have any idea if this is going to be long term? VICourageous, I promise I will stay in the light.
Hey Girl im so happy to here your going to work the N/A progam it is the single best thing you can do for your recovery...I tried all kinds of aftercare but N/A has truly given me my life back....it helped heal the train wreck my life had become in active addiction...it was the only thing that stopped my obsessive desire to get high....today I live in recovery I made my amends with everyone that was around me... my wife my kids my employer even the doctors that where feeding me the pills I have worked the progam and like anyone that is honest with themselfs it has worked... the pills are just a outward sign of a inward problem I have and still do work on my careter defects and my short comings I will never be perfect but thats ok we look for progress not perfection and with time this program can do for you what it has done for me and millions others world wide Recovery is a beautiful thing and so much better then just staying clean My wife trusts me again the kids know now why I seamed so distant in the past and today I have a great relationship with all my kids now they also trust me the doctors know now to never prescribe me pain pills and dont offer them to me....I have to many friends to count in the progam you will find that the friendships you make are amazing we all help each other all you do is have to ask...this progam will change your life and everyone around you will see the difference but more so you will see yourself...I wish you all the best my advise is get to as many meetings as you can I do 4 a week 3 that are the same to build friendships and a new different one so I meet new people it may sound like a lot to those starting out but it is ezer then trying to stay high 7 days a week...right now lissen and find someone who has what you want...then ask them to sponcer you work the steps take your time dont rush thew them if you ever just have questions about the program feel free to ask me if its private message me I dont share secrets I only hope this progam does for you what it has done for me ''keep coming back it works if you work it and it dont if you wont so work it because your worth it''' Gnarly
BRAAAANEEEE!!! What an amazing thing to read!!! Open-mindedness!!! I'm feeling very yuck about things right now and negative about everything. You just reminded me, that it's MY attitude, in the program, in life, that can determine my experience.
Wow, what a GRRRREAT (like Tony the Tiger says) post!!!!:)
Wow, what a GRRRREAT (like Tony the Tiger says) post!!!!:)
I went to NA today with a new way of thinking. Before leaving the house I told my self to think about the benefits of NA, not the difficulties. What will I be able to take with me to help me heal? Well a funny thing happened. As I sat and listened I recognized some of the things people were saying. I bet others here in this forum have heard them as well. “Our best thinking is what got us here” “Having a moment of clarity” “We must learn to love the light, and life, by opening our hearts and minds” “30 meetings 30 days 90 meetings 90 days”. When I made the connection to all of you that have said those very words over and over, I began to smile. The familiarity of those words brought me from feeling like an outsider looking in, to feeling like I belonged there. So as I begin my 12 steps, I know I am doing so with “my armor on” and I will “keep on moving forward”. Thanks for the smile and support.
Brane in answer to your question, yes its anxiety, it makes this journey very trying for sure. I tend to islolate, when in w/ds which is not good I guess but that's me, I do get out, but not real comfortable for me.
glad your feeling better, just keep keeping strong, my friend. I have to say Refills is so right about the peaks and valleys. UGH!!!!
Patty That question about are you kidding yourself about how can you live without pain meds, runs thru my mind daily. Only because of my pain issues which are pretty bad.
I think the devil gets real delight out of making us DOUBT!!!!!
We will all make it, stay in the moment
glad your feeling better, just keep keeping strong, my friend. I have to say Refills is so right about the peaks and valleys. UGH!!!!
Patty That question about are you kidding yourself about how can you live without pain meds, runs thru my mind daily. Only because of my pain issues which are pretty bad.
I think the devil gets real delight out of making us DOUBT!!!!!
We will all make it, stay in the moment
That is what I call the devil and angel on my shoulders. The good fighting the bad! I do the same thing and give myself a time frame! I am in bad pain with 3 fractures in my pelvis, so I say 1 more day then the next day I feel a little better. I did not let myself heal correctly because the pills made me "feel better"so I was doing things I should not of been doing and am now paying for it! But remember It gets better each day!
Remember 1 is too many and 1000 is never enough!
WE CAN DO THIS!
Remember 1 is too many and 1000 is never enough!
WE CAN DO THIS!
Today is Day 31 for me and I too have noticed that the better I'm feeling the more anxiety I have. I thought it was just me. And I can totally relate to the uncomfortableness of one on one human contact. Not sure what that is but I am just riding it out.
As far as the cravings, yesterday they were bad for me. I had to really concentrate and pay attention not to let them get the best of me. I have some pretty serious back issues and my brain kept telling me to just give up-how nice it would be to take a pill and have the pain go away for awhile. It was like their was 2 people in my head having an outright argument! It was kinda crazy. The new me was saying "get over it, the pain is manageable. Use your heating pad and move on." The old me was in there saying "Do you really think you can live the rest of your life with this kind of pain? You need those pills so you might as well quit suffering and give in now."
When I started this I told myself that whenever I thought I couldn't take it anymore I would wait 1 more day. So yesterday I waited 1 more day and I am glad I did because today is better except for all the rest of the stuff in my life that I have to start fixing that have nothing to do with the pills.
We got this even though it isn't easy, we can do it.
Patty
As far as the cravings, yesterday they were bad for me. I had to really concentrate and pay attention not to let them get the best of me. I have some pretty serious back issues and my brain kept telling me to just give up-how nice it would be to take a pill and have the pain go away for awhile. It was like their was 2 people in my head having an outright argument! It was kinda crazy. The new me was saying "get over it, the pain is manageable. Use your heating pad and move on." The old me was in there saying "Do you really think you can live the rest of your life with this kind of pain? You need those pills so you might as well quit suffering and give in now."
When I started this I told myself that whenever I thought I couldn't take it anymore I would wait 1 more day. So yesterday I waited 1 more day and I am glad I did because today is better except for all the rest of the stuff in my life that I have to start fixing that have nothing to do with the pills.
We got this even though it isn't easy, we can do it.
Patty
I remember that my true feelings started to come to the surface. I would cry at the drop of a hat. Happy or sad I was feeling again! The cravings will come and go its your mind telling you hey your ok now so go a head take one you deserve it! Not! It is some thing we will have to deal with for the rest of our lifes, but just remember you are you again not drug induced you but the new you! Our minds are some thing we have to learn to control again. AA/NA will help you with this. Remember we did not become addicts over night so it will take a while for us to heal.
You are strong and doing great! Keep on moving on!
You are strong and doing great! Keep on moving on!
Day 29. Another good day for me. I am starting to feel a bit more evened out. The strange thing is, today I have what I can only describe as feeling a bit like anxiety. I don't know if this is just my emotions returning, or true anxiety. It comes and goes, and is not that uncomfortable. It is however quite noticeable. It seems to hit when I'm talking one on one with someone (my husband, or boys). I just can't figure this one out. Has this happened to anyone else? Also I noticed an increase in cravings today. What the heck? Day 2 of starting to feel human and yet these two new symptoms. Go figure. Maybe I'm just a rebel....
I am so happy for you! We need those good days to give us the strength to get through this. Here's hoping you have many more good days.
Hey BG, sorry I haven't been around much. Sounds like you're doing great. Getting that one good day in is so important in helping you keep that momentum you're building up. I hope you continue with the good/great days. Just be prepared in case that one not so good day is out there somewhere. Sometimes we can fall hard when we are surprised by the peaks and valleys. Not trying to be a downer here jus saying. The big story though is how well you're doing. Congratulations! Keep doing what you're doing. Be happy and thankful like you are. This is really great and I wish you all the best...Good Luck to everybody, lots of great things happening around here...ike
Today I may have hit a milestone. For the first time in 28 days, some of my depression has subsided. I even did some laughing with my children and husband. I sang silly songs, wrestled with a few of my sons, took the boys to the library and sat in the sun and ENJOYED myself. I might even go as far as to say maybe I even felt a happy feeling a few times. My energy and stamina are still low, but for the first time in years I felt like I was living in the real world. Eyes wide open, brain fog lifting and looking forward to more good days. Happy days are here again!
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I don't think it will take all that much time for the hard-core anxiety to subside. I've done a ton of research and I bet ya it will subside for you in the next month or so. You are half way there!