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Hiskidd #23
Hey guys. Sorry about all the posting. Should I be just doing journal entries and posting on other threads now?
I know I'm not "healed," but I just wanted to write that the past two days (Tues and Weds) I didn't have any severe anxiety crying episodes. I had one Monday morning and almost left work or got a new oxy prescription (well, at least I text my wife about feeling that way). Monday night I walked on the treadmill and ate a healthy dinner. Bed by 10. Tues night much of the same. Tonight I'm going to try and duplicate. And tomorrow night I start back at school every Thurs night until the end of May.
Anyway, the encouragement here has been ineffable, and I plan on being around here for... ever if you'll have me :)
Back still hurts and still need a sleep aid, and still feel very fatigued, but I do get energy and a sense of normalcy in "pockets" of time. Enough to make it through. Mostly what I want to say and encourage anyone struggling about is 1. That I'm learning not to stress myself out unnecessarily. I'm a fairly new teacher, but I've decided all I can do is all I can do. If I'm let go this year, so be it. If I get a bad walk-through or don't have a lesson plan done, what can that do to my soul? (Man, I like that line I just wrote haha). 2. Nutrition and my body are becoming more prevalent in my life. I only had a fast food burger once in the past 23 days, and I don't even crave the grease like I used to. I'm getting used to soy protein shakes, raisin bread toast, vitamins, water, vitawater, tuna, salmon, salad and so on. It's certainly more expensive to eat healthy than to grab a 99cent menu item, but I genuinely feel the difference. Of course, the stress side of me wonders if being almost 37 and all the damage to my body will make it a moot point, but all I ever get is one day at a time, so while I have it I'm gonna do right by it.
Lastly (3.) Early on someone posted that I would see flowers again and hear laughter again, and it truly is happening. When I first read that, I hadn't even realized that stuff was gone. But last night I sat with my kids at the dinner table and we talked and laughed. I'm looking people in the eyes and really listening to them. I'm slower to speak, and when I do I'm trying to make sure it's encouraging. I think my students even see a change. I much more aware that there is probably addiction in some of their families and I'm letting them wake up in the morning instead of blasting them to get on task, etc. If they're chattery, so what. I know for a fact I'm laughing and smiling more with them, and they are responding in kind. It doesn't scare me that a principal may walk in and see us "relaxing." I'll take the consequences with peace and a smile knowing God has a plan.
Probably my longest post, but despite only being 23 days off of oxy, I feel much better and am gaining hope back. Someone said, "When you lose hope, you lose everything." I think there is always hope, but we can lie to ourselves, the drugs can lie to us, the devil can lie to us, and it can all be so convincing that we believe there is no hope. I was like that in my first two weeks of WDs. I'm not like that today.
Michael J. Fox recently said, "If you always worry about the worst case scenario and it never happens, you've wasted your time. If it does happen, well now you've lived it twice. Live in the now," he said, "Celebrate the now you've been given."
With ineffable love, your friend, David
I know I'm not "healed," but I just wanted to write that the past two days (Tues and Weds) I didn't have any severe anxiety crying episodes. I had one Monday morning and almost left work or got a new oxy prescription (well, at least I text my wife about feeling that way). Monday night I walked on the treadmill and ate a healthy dinner. Bed by 10. Tues night much of the same. Tonight I'm going to try and duplicate. And tomorrow night I start back at school every Thurs night until the end of May.
Anyway, the encouragement here has been ineffable, and I plan on being around here for... ever if you'll have me :)
Back still hurts and still need a sleep aid, and still feel very fatigued, but I do get energy and a sense of normalcy in "pockets" of time. Enough to make it through. Mostly what I want to say and encourage anyone struggling about is 1. That I'm learning not to stress myself out unnecessarily. I'm a fairly new teacher, but I've decided all I can do is all I can do. If I'm let go this year, so be it. If I get a bad walk-through or don't have a lesson plan done, what can that do to my soul? (Man, I like that line I just wrote haha). 2. Nutrition and my body are becoming more prevalent in my life. I only had a fast food burger once in the past 23 days, and I don't even crave the grease like I used to. I'm getting used to soy protein shakes, raisin bread toast, vitamins, water, vitawater, tuna, salmon, salad and so on. It's certainly more expensive to eat healthy than to grab a 99cent menu item, but I genuinely feel the difference. Of course, the stress side of me wonders if being almost 37 and all the damage to my body will make it a moot point, but all I ever get is one day at a time, so while I have it I'm gonna do right by it.
Lastly (3.) Early on someone posted that I would see flowers again and hear laughter again, and it truly is happening. When I first read that, I hadn't even realized that stuff was gone. But last night I sat with my kids at the dinner table and we talked and laughed. I'm looking people in the eyes and really listening to them. I'm slower to speak, and when I do I'm trying to make sure it's encouraging. I think my students even see a change. I much more aware that there is probably addiction in some of their families and I'm letting them wake up in the morning instead of blasting them to get on task, etc. If they're chattery, so what. I know for a fact I'm laughing and smiling more with them, and they are responding in kind. It doesn't scare me that a principal may walk in and see us "relaxing." I'll take the consequences with peace and a smile knowing God has a plan.
Probably my longest post, but despite only being 23 days off of oxy, I feel much better and am gaining hope back. Someone said, "When you lose hope, you lose everything." I think there is always hope, but we can lie to ourselves, the drugs can lie to us, the devil can lie to us, and it can all be so convincing that we believe there is no hope. I was like that in my first two weeks of WDs. I'm not like that today.
Michael J. Fox recently said, "If you always worry about the worst case scenario and it never happens, you've wasted your time. If it does happen, well now you've lived it twice. Live in the now," he said, "Celebrate the now you've been given."
With ineffable love, your friend, David
never let our guards down, this is what sara always says and for a reason :) yeah, this is a sneaky process, David.. we feel better and we think we have kicked the habit, it is a daily learning lesson for all of us. Have you thought of any kind of aftercare ? maybe therapy could help you now at this stage..On the other hand, i am so glad to see you are feeling better :)
Why is it that the better I FEEL, the less I want to exercise when I KNOW that exercise is what's helping me feel better? Make sense? So much mental stuff to this healing. :)
Thanks for all the continued encouragement! I felt "decent" this morning and almost skipped the treadmill and then said to myself, "Umm, okay, that's a lie!" And got on the treadmill. :) I understand even more what everyone has said about aftercare. I can hear the little "I can handle this or that" voice starting to form. Maybe an oxy here or there, or maybe junk food and no exercise, or maybe... You get the picture.
Lifewithout, of course that is your quote too. I saw him in an interview and immediately wrote it down as he sat there struggling to keep his broken body still. To see/hear it was truly amazing. KUCKMA I hope you are feeling peace. Don't be scared or discouraged (Joshua 1:9). Be encouraged!!! God's got you!
I hope you guys have the kind of weekend that will best bring you joy. In Him, David
Lifewithout, of course that is your quote too. I saw him in an interview and immediately wrote it down as he sat there struggling to keep his broken body still. To see/hear it was truly amazing. KUCKMA I hope you are feeling peace. Don't be scared or discouraged (Joshua 1:9). Be encouraged!!! God's got you!
I hope you guys have the kind of weekend that will best bring you joy. In Him, David
Wow wow wow wow WOW!!! What a fantastic and encouraging post! I feel you, every bit of what you've said. Keep on doing what you are doing because it is truly working!
Congrats on getting to this place and letting your soul begin to heal:)
Great MJF quote too....gonna have to borrow that from you and keep it close (if it's ok with you!)
Congrats on getting to this place and letting your soul begin to heal:)
Great MJF quote too....gonna have to borrow that from you and keep it close (if it's ok with you!)
Hey David good to see your starting to feel better....it looks hopeless in the beginning but once you get a little time under you it smooths out a bit...I read in one of your posts you went to a meeting good for you it is critical to getting better by now you realise this is much more of a battle mentaly/emotionally then it is physically the meeting help with that part other then hiting more meeting your off to a great start keep your faith in God strong
you may want to google something called celebration recovery its an all Christian based recovery care program usually at one of the local churches might be a good fit for you
anyway I keep you and your family in my prayers keep on doing what your doing its working for you good luck and God bless....Gnarly
you may want to google something called celebration recovery its an all Christian based recovery care program usually at one of the local churches might be a good fit for you
anyway I keep you and your family in my prayers keep on doing what your doing its working for you good luck and God bless....Gnarly
p.s. - you can too post when you're stressing or when stuff is happening in your life other than wds. I, along with many others, am curious to see how your days go, even if humdrum. Boring is good in our situation. So I know what you mean about not wanting to post when others are in a crisis or starting wds or whatever, but it would be good for them to also see and read that there's hope on the other side waiting for them. So keep posting whatever you want, I don't think there's any rules on not posting unless you're in early wds. If you're going through something or stressing or whatever, post it and we'll respond. Likewise, I'm sure I'll post stuff here if I"m going through something significant in my life, and I haven't abused drugs in nearly a year...so keep 'em coming!!
Wow, David..you seem a far cry from the guy we met in your first post. I'm starting to see who you are underneath all the wds!! In other words, I'm seeing the 'real' you, the guy you were before oxys entered your life, and it's wonderful to meet you!! I can see how much clarity you've gained and things are falling into place. I think going back to teaching and then to school soon are both great and fell back into your life at the exact right time. It's helping you get and stay on track even more besides it occupies your days pretty well I imagine. Like I said it's great to meet the 'real' David..keep posting and letting us know how you're doing. And it's so normal to still get down and stressed about things. After all, before you were on pills, you got stressed and sad sometimes right?!! You are human, don't forget that. Great post, it's a million miles away from where you started this journey, and it's going to keep getting better!! Great job, you're doing fantastic!!
Yeah. Unless I start breaking down/relapsing, I'll do the journal to leave room for helping others. Starting school tonight. The syllabus is bringing MAJOR stress, but I'm trying to stop and CHOOSE not to stress. Hey!!
david
david
I think it is great to post and get feedback on how u r feeling and doing. I also think journals are fantastic as well. Amazing when u look back a year later and see how u felt back then
I also feel placing too much emphasis on how u feel can be detrimental. Folks get sick with the flu and suffer way worse than they do with WD...yet everyday of wd is like a day from hell when most of us can blow the flu off. We dont feel good but we can deal with it. I am guilty, i envisioned days of writhing on the floor to find it wasnt much of nuttin, cept the flu for 3 days.
The more serious a person wants to make the physical discomfort, then as a rule, the worse they will feel. I know first hand it is not the physical that will get most opf us in the end, it is the mental aspect of addiction that will cause relapse.
The pills follow us/a true addict/ for life/ and when we have a down moment, they love to rear their ugly head only to make matters worse...they can bite again and why aftercare is so important. Aftercare is the only true medicine for an addict/like insulin to a diabetic/yet 90% of addicts will resist it like the plague! It makes getting well much harder as most diabetics will take their medicine, cos they wanna live longer and healthier. Addiction will kill u just as quick, and destroy the life u have in the meantime to boot, but an addict will resist, and resist, and resist.....then wonder why they can not get well
keep moving forward
Do what u gotto do to stay clean
If u screw up/and u may/chances r that u probably will/ once or twice or thrice/re-evaluate ur plan and go forward once more...never give up tho..giving up is for those who can not fight....and just cos we have the disease called addiction...does not mean we are a done deal...cos we r not..some of the strongest people on this earth have addiction issues....we just have to deal with them
I also feel placing too much emphasis on how u feel can be detrimental. Folks get sick with the flu and suffer way worse than they do with WD...yet everyday of wd is like a day from hell when most of us can blow the flu off. We dont feel good but we can deal with it. I am guilty, i envisioned days of writhing on the floor to find it wasnt much of nuttin, cept the flu for 3 days.
The more serious a person wants to make the physical discomfort, then as a rule, the worse they will feel. I know first hand it is not the physical that will get most opf us in the end, it is the mental aspect of addiction that will cause relapse.
The pills follow us/a true addict/ for life/ and when we have a down moment, they love to rear their ugly head only to make matters worse...they can bite again and why aftercare is so important. Aftercare is the only true medicine for an addict/like insulin to a diabetic/yet 90% of addicts will resist it like the plague! It makes getting well much harder as most diabetics will take their medicine, cos they wanna live longer and healthier. Addiction will kill u just as quick, and destroy the life u have in the meantime to boot, but an addict will resist, and resist, and resist.....then wonder why they can not get well
keep moving forward
Do what u gotto do to stay clean
If u screw up/and u may/chances r that u probably will/ once or twice or thrice/re-evaluate ur plan and go forward once more...never give up tho..giving up is for those who can not fight....and just cos we have the disease called addiction...does not mean we are a done deal...cos we r not..some of the strongest people on this earth have addiction issues....we just have to deal with them
David glad to hear you are feeling better. You are getting better and stronger everyday so keep up that positive attitude. You should check out coconut water for energy as it can increase your metabolism, It helps to carry oxygen to the body, increase energy and contains everything the body needs to replenish vital nutrients in addition to antioxidants and omega-3 fatty acids. It aIso helps with getting rid of toxins in your body. I have been drinking it for a couple of months after detox and it really helps and I feel it helps increase your natural endorphins. So keep on going you are doing great. I will keep praying for your recovery and with our attitude and God's help you WILL make it through. God Bless---Rick
Disregard my last post. I apologize. I can't post for every little thing while there are some serious situations going on. While I'm here, pain is continuing to be "manageable," and on day 24, I have zero cravings for oxy, or even for "complete" pain relief. I think compared to the hardcore WDs, I'm learning to endure these "down" times with more patience.
If you're out there in the first 20 days of withdrawals, I urge you to keep going. Cold turkey if possible. I might have done CT out of ignorance, but I'm glad I didn't have tapering as an option to consider cause I'd probably still have gone through hell and be taking oxy right now. Hang in there. You've come this far (and I mean that even if it's 1 or 2 days!). Don't put yourself through a day or handful of days of misery for nothing. This time counts Big Time toward your recovery. Believe it. Don't lose hope. David
If you're out there in the first 20 days of withdrawals, I urge you to keep going. Cold turkey if possible. I might have done CT out of ignorance, but I'm glad I didn't have tapering as an option to consider cause I'd probably still have gone through hell and be taking oxy right now. Hang in there. You've come this far (and I mean that even if it's 1 or 2 days!). Don't put yourself through a day or handful of days of misery for nothing. This time counts Big Time toward your recovery. Believe it. Don't lose hope. David
Uggh. Have my first major stressful situation of the week going on. Not earth shattering, just not sure what to do and it's making me conscience of my weakened state. Pray I learn how to make a decision, and then let it go, and not stress about the outcome or result.
Thanks! Today is a pretty good morning. The past two, I started exhausted and then woke up later. Today, I feel a little more energy, and less stress, from the get go. Feels pretty nice. I prayed for many people on the forum today and will do so throughout.
Love you guys.
David
Love you guys.
David
Wow :) :) :)
i am just happy reading this post.... i also liked those words from Michael J Fox, they are so true. David, it seems you have turned a big corner, feeling alive was somewhat lost in our relationship with the pills and it is simply great recovering. You are on the path, you may feel some days like going backwards but it is not, progression here is not always a straight road, sometimes it takes two steps forwards and one backwards, it is normal, no worry at all cause you are on the right track . I love how you are taking things, enjoy the good days and just ride the bad days, this is life , isn't it ? :)
exercising and a healthy diet really help and i am glad that you are experiencing the difference, great ! add lentils to your diet :) they are not expensive but they are really good. ;)
i am just happy reading this post.... i also liked those words from Michael J Fox, they are so true. David, it seems you have turned a big corner, feeling alive was somewhat lost in our relationship with the pills and it is simply great recovering. You are on the path, you may feel some days like going backwards but it is not, progression here is not always a straight road, sometimes it takes two steps forwards and one backwards, it is normal, no worry at all cause you are on the right track . I love how you are taking things, enjoy the good days and just ride the bad days, this is life , isn't it ? :)
exercising and a healthy diet really help and i am glad that you are experiencing the difference, great ! add lentils to your diet :) they are not expensive but they are really good. ;)
David, you are doing so, so, soooooo good! Those "pockets" of time that you are talking about will start being longer "pockets" and closer together. Then, before you know it, and without really noticing, you will have a whole, entire good day where you didn't have any bad hours. That is a GREAT feeling. It does take a bit to get there, but you will realize how much it is worth the hard days to get to the awesome ones!
Congrats on 23 days! WOW....isn't that awesome? : )
Congrats on 23 days! WOW....isn't that awesome? : )
No way! Not my post and not an interruption. I'm thankful for your words of encouragement. I'm pretty wiped today haha. Now I'm home just relaxing. Gonna play Wii with my boys in a sec.
I agree. Congrats Towl!!! 17 days is awesome. Tomorrow is Day 18! Have a good night all.
I agree. Congrats Towl!!! 17 days is awesome. Tomorrow is Day 18! Have a good night all.
Congrats on the 17 days!!! Yay for you! :) (sorry for the quick interruption on your post David!)
Hey man its great to see success stories. I get pretty sad seeing everyone going through wds. Youre doing a great job. Keep it up. Dont look back. Ive got 17 days clean and feel really good. Just feeling normal is the best feeling. I dont know about you but just the thought of going back makes me sick. Keep up the hard work. You got your hope back and if you dont have hope you pretty much got nothin...Congrats.!
Wow. Great post David. I especially like the words of Michael J. Fox. So so true. I'm definitely going to remember that.
You're doing so well and I feel so happy for you! I know exactly what you mean when you mentioned how your conversing with people differently now. I noticed that too. My brother in law was here a while ago and when we visited, I caught myself doing exactly that same thing. Talking more slowly, looking him in the eye, being thoughtful about my responses. No, I didn't notice it when I was actually talking to him. But I sure realized it later on and it felt so great! To actually be "present" again is a great feeling. So like I said, I am SO happy for you.
Hang in there - it keeps getting better you'll see. I think you could still consider me a "newbie" being only about 6 months clean. But I have no doubt now that I will never return to pills again to cope. Reaching out for help and support is the way to go and I finally get it. Stay strong and keep smiling! :) p.s. i love your perspective on life - very inspiring!
You're doing so well and I feel so happy for you! I know exactly what you mean when you mentioned how your conversing with people differently now. I noticed that too. My brother in law was here a while ago and when we visited, I caught myself doing exactly that same thing. Talking more slowly, looking him in the eye, being thoughtful about my responses. No, I didn't notice it when I was actually talking to him. But I sure realized it later on and it felt so great! To actually be "present" again is a great feeling. So like I said, I am SO happy for you.
Hang in there - it keeps getting better you'll see. I think you could still consider me a "newbie" being only about 6 months clean. But I have no doubt now that I will never return to pills again to cope. Reaching out for help and support is the way to go and I finally get it. Stay strong and keep smiling! :) p.s. i love your perspective on life - very inspiring!
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