Honestly, I just need some encouragement.

[stella_kae]

I am currently 6 days sober from my use of painkillers. What ***** is that I am also sick with a terrible cold as well, and my doctor just handed me a script of the strongest cough medicine you can get-tussionex. It is an er hydrocodone syrup and it is taking everything in me not to use it. I don't want to go through withdrawals again, but I feel like I am never going to get better. My cough is keeping me up all night and no over the counter medications are helping. My mom also has the most ridiculous endless supply of every pill basically anyone could want, and I can access all of it. I am trying to stay strong, but my mind keeps going back and forth between wanting to take some of that syrup, or thinking about taking just one pill to curve my urge to take that syrup as I know that would be worse. I am 20 years old and scared. I have never had to buy painkillers or anything because of the access I have from my mother. She has no clue, and I literally used to take at least 40 of her perk 5s. Last month I got turned onto roxys, and was doing one to two a day for about a month. Tapered off of those using perks, and here I am now. 6 days from my last use of anything. I guess, I just need some insight, some help as I am feeling hopeless.

[stella_kae]

Wow, that is awesome. I like hearing that. I will be doing the best I can to attend some meetings this week- that is where I will find a sponsor correct?

[stella_kae]

Hi Mark! I didn't exactly feel like mentioning it before, but my mom does have them locked up- she has done that ever since my other sister was caught taking them from her... But being the stupid addict I am I learned how to pick locks and how to relock them. Pretty messed up. Anyway I do eventually plan on telling my family, but probably not until either I mess up and relapse, or a few months passes and I am completely sober. To be honest aside from work, (i just hate working) I am a pretty functioning addict, I am a sophomore in college and have maintained a 4.0 the entire time I have been attending and I have a great relationship with my boyfriend. However, obviously I know that if I were to continue using all of that would go downhill, which is why I know it is the most important thing for me to not use and why I dot want to whatsoever. I just don't think I want to tell my family quite yet... but like I said, if I do mess up, or a few months down the line I will come clean because this journey is something I will want to vocally talk about to others so that I can help them as well and in doing so, my parents and family would find out anyway. I am going to a meeting tomorrow, and am very excited. I always like attending them. Do you still attend meetings regularly? Do you ever feel super tempted to use again? I think the craving part has been hardest for me aside from the zero sleep I've been getting. I can't wait to get back to normal and am so grateful for you comment. You are amazing, 3 years is incredible. I can't wait to be sober for that long, hell even a month long.

[Mark42190]

I still go to meetings, not as much as I used too but I still do.  I speak at rehab centers every once in awhile.  I haven't been tempted to use in probably over 2 years. You will gradually reach a point where you rarely even think about drugs at all.  My life is so good now that it doesn't even make sense to go back to the hell I was in, but I have a healthy fear and I am always on my guard especially when I am around drinking situations.  Just do what the people in the meetings tell you to do and you will be just fine.  You just have to reach a point of complete defeat and knowing you are powerless over drugs and don't say your a stupid addict.  I picked the locks of my moms pills as well just as so many others have.  No need to feel shame.  You have a disease and are sick.  It is now, however your choice though to stay clean or not.  You aren't responsible for your addiction but you definitely are responsible for your recovery.  I suggest to get a sponsor as soon as possible and start working the steps.  It is not going to be fun for awhile but it will pass I promise.  Just keep working at it and never give up.  Also raise your bottom cause you don't want to lose the boyfriend, college etc.  These will be taken from you if you continue to use, this isn't a question of if but when.  In the mean time go to meetings, keep doing good in school and just be easy on yourself, watch movies, play games etc, just stay busy.  You will be just fine.    

[stella_kae]

I actually was able to take a psychology class titled "addictive thinking" and it went over a lot of the brain chemistry and stuff which was awesome to learn about. I took it while I was struggling with addiction last semester and I think it has made this whole process much easier. Thank you so much for your comment, it truly helps encourage me to continue on strong. Best wishes to you as well!

[Mark42190]

Hello Stella, your story is almost identical to mine.  I am 25 years old and just had 3 years sober a few weeks ago.  My mom was an addict, took her pills, felt like I couldn't tell anybody cause it would hurt them, etc..  I am telling you man, just start heading to meetings on a daily basis and talk about what is going on.  Tell your mom so she can lock up the pills (I still got to my moms pills after they were locked up though lol)  I had to go to rehab and go to a halfway house and it was the best choice I have ever made in my life.  I have graduated college, have a career, girlfriend, good relationships with friends and family.  I had none of these 3 years ago.  All I did was listen to what the people who had been sober and do what they told me to do.  Yes it was hard, but it passes.  Those first few months are brutal but you will reach a point where you will feel normal again.  Trust me, I thought it would never happen, but it does.  Keep the faith that it does get better cause I promise you it will if you put in the work.  It is scary, I remember the fear I felt, but it passes sooner than you think.  Just reading your comments is mind blowing to me cause it literally is what my life was like and almost the same situation.  You can do it!!!!  If I did it, then you sure as hell can.  Keep up the good work and take it a day at a time.  God Bless you.

[VICourageous]

Hi & Welcome.
Not only do they see the light back in them eyes, your skin, hair and other things shine as well. Just give this Time and everything will balance back. These meds change the makeup of the Body and Brains Chemistry. You might have some emotional/mental times, but just know that you are still healing.
This is a piece of info, from all the info, I have about Addiction in a more scientific way, however, I have been doing both AA/NA for over 3 and half yrs now and Church. Support is a BIG key to success.

"Patients who are informed about Brain origins of Addiction can benefit from understanding that their illness has a Biological basis and does NOT mean they are "BAD" People."


Your Mom might already know. Letting it all out and getting that Support will take SO much weight off them shoulders. Be Safe and Be Good! Wishing you the best!
Bless U
Vickie

[stella_kae]

There is a smile on my face as well. Every day I stay clean, the bigger that smile gets. Hope all is well with you :)

[jifmoc]

Stella, I can only say that all of that is fantastic news. I remember when people in meetings started to tell me how much brighter my eyes looked. I still get that compliment and it's almost been 2 years. People keep telling me I've changed, although I don't see it. I wish the same for you. Again, don't let lack of sleep or lack of energy scare you. When they say detox takes 5 to 7 days, that is for the acute phase.It takes much longer to start to feel "normal." So you are right on target!:)

[stella_kae]

My mom has had over 100 surgeries, she even has a pump in her stomach for medication, and has severe back pain, depression, anxiety, etc. I was pretty young when she went to rehab, but the one thing I remember most is the way she went in and the way she came out of rehab. Before, there was no life in her eyes and even looking back at pictures you can see the difference from before and after. When she got out, she was a completely different person, her eyes shined bright again and she actually looked alive. Since then, things have gone downhill and we have tried to get her to go back to rehab in the past but she refuses saying it was such an awful place etc. Luckily she now has a great pain doctor who is helping her lower her medications significantly and she is making progress. Right now I am using the image of her fresh out of rehab to continue sobering up. I want so badly to have light in my eyes, and to be full of life in general. I do have a number I can call, and this person also has been helping me tremendously by spending time with me throughout all of this chaos. Thank you so much for continuing to reply to me, you are seriously helping me more than I can tell you. Regardless of how awful my cough/cold or symptoms are tomorrow I plan on either going for a walk with my dog, or the gym and sitting in the sauna/walking on the treadmill. I have started looking into AA/NA meeting and am planning on attending some this week.

[littlebit667]

this post makes me very happy!  Wish you could see the smile on my face.  There is a little bit of watery stuff as well.  

[stella_kae]

As hard as it will be, I will definitely consider the idea of telling my parents! I am not committing to that quite yet, but I will be considering it in the mean time. Thank you so much for your comment, congrats on your sobriety!!

[jifmoc]

P.S.- Antibiotic won't help w/ withdrawl but it will definitely help w/ any infection you may have from a cold or flu. I'm not a doctor, but if you are truly sick, it would definitely be beneficial to take the prescribed anti-biotics.

[jifmoc]

Wow, Stella, you really seem to have your head on straight. I applaud you. I do however, very much agree w/ the above poster regarding telling those we love. Also, your mom being an addict may have an idea about you, and telling her will be a relief to both of you. Not to get off track but why does your mom have so many opiates in the house if she is an addict in recovery? How about this; will you consider telling your mom? Just consider it. We always think people will flip out and in all honesty, I have yet to hear about someone flipping out when told.

I am so glad you are open to going back to AA or NA. I PROMISE you, if you stick w/ it, that's where the life change will happen. Do you have any numbers you can call? I would go back literally as you as you feel better. And yes, opiates block literally everything, so when we stop using, all functions resume: sneezing, coughing, yawning, going to the bathroom, shaking, sweating, mania, anxiety and on and on. So you may have a combo of plain ol sickness and withdrawl. Yay for your 7th day clean and yay for you pouring the hydro down the drain!! Yes, I promise you, your withdrawls will pass. 7 days, you are just coming off the acute phase, you have to give it time. Sleep is the last thing to come back as is energy. I know you feel like crap but try to get out in the sun and take a small walk. Get your natural endorphins going. This will help the sadness and lethargy. Just remember: it's slow going. We addicts want to feel better NOW. And in recovery, we learn patience.

Let us know how things go. Check in as often as you like!:)

[stella_kae]

I have definitely wanted to tell my mom about my problem, but I know that it would only cause problems with my parents marriage as my dad already blames my mom for everything- even though he has had multiple affairs, but there is way more where that came from. Basically my family life is not the greatest and  I don't want my mom to have any more stress than she already does. She also struggled with addiction and actually went to rehab for it. There are just a lot of underlying factors that have made me realize not telling her is probably my best option for my families sake. I washed all of the syrup down the drain- gone gone gone. Didn't catch a blink of sleep last night because I was up coughing all night long. Do you think my cough/cold is part of a withdrawal? It started about 3 days after I stopped using. The initial withdrawals I had were all the normal ones associated with pks, but I didn't realize that my cough and cold could be from it as well- it has been hell! I have gone to AA/NA meetings in the past, and absolutely loved them. I do need to go back; i think it could help me tremendously. As for the doctor, I will. The doctor however who prescribed me that cough medicine was an urgent care doctor- which doesn't change the fact that I should've told her, but when she offered it to me the addict inside of me couldn't say no; but I didn't even taste that stuff before pouring it down the drain- thanks to all you lovely people. I am struggling now to believe that there will be an end to my withdrawals, but I am trying to stay hopeful. I just want to feel normal again. Am I almost past this? Thank you so much for all of your encouraging words, another day sober for me. One week, yet I feel so weak. Also, even if my cough/cold is a withdrawal, would taking antibiotics help or is it not worth it? Any insight would be extremely helpful. Thank you all you lovely souls.

[littlebit667]

we fear telling those we love.  Hardest thing I ever did.  That and telling my dr.   It was also the best thing I could have done.  My doc was right there helping me stay straight.  I would bet that your immune system has taken a hit with the withdrawal.  I had to tell myself that I had the flu and that it would pass.  It did help.  Stay hydrated it does help.  Congrats on getting clean.  

[dominosarah]

Get rid of that cough syrup as it will call your name.

Congrats on 6 days!!!!

[dominosarah]

jifmoc gave you excellent advise so really cant add anymore.  As for your cold and cough.....I had that a couple months ago and was coughing up a lung it seemed.  I asked the pharmacist about cough syrup and she showed me the tussin CF alcohol free.  I took it as directed and it helped.  There are other natural remedies out there too.

[jifmoc]

Hi, Stella, welcome to the forum. Yup, we've all been where you are. Lemme give you some suggestions. We always say that the very first thing an addict needs to do is do have ZERO access to any pills or meds. Honestly, you are only 6 days clean, which is great but you are going to have set some kind of boundary w/ your mom and her pills or this will be close to impossible. I suggest telling her and having her lock up the pills via safe w/ a combination that you can't know. Also, I had exactly what you had, a horrible cough/cold where I was coughing literally every minute and I was up ALL night for about 6 nights. I am almost 2 years clean and I wanted that liquid hydro desperately. But, you know what? It passed. And it will pass for you. As addicts, we HATE being uncomfortable, we think it will kill us and we do everything to avoid it. I suggest spilling the cough medicine down the sink. You will just kickstart your addiction again if you take it. You are going to have to tell your doctor about your addiction, too. You need to be completely honest w/ this in order to make changes. There is a saying: our secrets keep us sick.

The MOST important part is getting aftercare. I always say that anyone can GET clean. STAYING clean is the work. And that's when your life changes. It's so awesome to not have to worry about pills anymore and just have a life. I'm sure you want that. Get to an AA or NA meeting (they're free.) You are so young but I also know a lot of people in meetings that got clean at 19 and 20. As a matter of fact, Demi Lovato just celebrated 4 years clean and she's 23.

Please write back and let us know what's going on w/ you. You can be 1000% honest here. We all know how you feel:)