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Horrific Depression from withdrawals???????????
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Horrific Depression from withdrawals???????????

I have been on oxycontin for 1 month; 20mg every twelve hours, although I took the two 20mg. tabs in the morning, every morning.  I have fibromyalgia.  I used to take vicodin, and most other short-acting narcotic meds prior to the oxycontin.  I ran out 5 days prior to my next appointment which did not happen to fall on an even 30 days; my prescription was for 30 days...so now I am on my 4th day and feel like I want to die.  The first two days were the worst depression I have ever gone through.  I almost took my life.  Here is my main question:  I have read close to 100 posts if not more, and many of the withdrawal symptoms do NOT say anything about depression.  Depression was my absolute worst symptom!!  Is this not a normal withdrawal symptom?  Most symptoms are the flu-like and diarrhea which I definitely did have!!!!  The headaches are absolutely killing me.  I need to look for something other than this narcotic junk to help me with the pain of fibromyalgia, although I didn't find it yet.  I surfed the website many times on fibromyalgia, and tried it all just about.  But if this is what narcotics is going to do to me, I'd rather bear the pain of fibro, although that will be very difficult.  Does one get SEVERE depression and constant crying spells from withdrawing from narcotics?  Also, I can hardly eat a thing now for 4 days.. I could just vomit thinking about it.  Thank you for your kind reply!
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Angelina, I have been like you and have been reading these postes for quite a while but I really had nothing to offer since I felt like I had nothing to add, until now.  I have been a junkie for many years. I have been clean on more than one occasion and I always seem to end up in this particular state of amind and affairs. I also combat the depression. If this little bit can give you some inspiration, it will be worth me tyyping it. I took so many oxyconin and ambien together that I passed out on the floor and I boke my hip. I am 38 years old.When I was in the hospital they could not give me enough pain killers to match the tolerance I had built up. I knew that I had done this all to myself and I did not want to live. I could not live with or without medication. I have a seven year old boy and I actually feel that he would be better off without me. But I am still here, still very sad, but I strangly feel comfort being in misery for I have felt it so long. Hang in there and always remember that whatever it is it is only temporary.
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Hello Angelina, I have been through what you are discribing at least 20 time's, and believe me the depression IS very much a part of withdrawal from narcotics. I to find this by for the worst part. maney posts on this forum relate to depresion as worse than the physical part. I was always pron to depresion so it affected me even more so, I believe.Please know that it will subside, though it will take time. Everyone is differant in how long. Just hang on. You will have much support on this Forum. As to weather it's better to live with pain or on narcotic's is a personal choise with no easy answear.I truly wish you all the best and will say a prayer for you. Alaways, Shane
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My heart is with you.  I've detoxed on my own (situations just like yours- and others) many times.  The first thing that hits me is a flood of overwhelming *feeling*.  I call it feeling, rather than depression because I think that is just what it is.  After being numb from the oxy's for so long we just are no longer equipt to *feel* anything.  For me, it comes out in tears, tears and more tears than I ever thought I could cry.  Depression is a very real part of withdrawal.  Please stay with us here and talk about it.  One thing that has helped me in the past is writing.  Use your computer, or a notebook and pen - use anything you can - just start to write.  You will be amazed at what comes out.  Often things we have been numb to for so long start to surface and we can begin to cope.  If you don't know where to start just use the phrase, "I feel..." and let it roll.
Please stay strong and safe - everyone here is on your side.

Love,
deja
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Yes, depression is very much a symptom of the withdrawals. It is a double whammy. In part it is due to the physical freak out of the brain, which has been deprived of its normal neurotrasmiters while the narcotics were in us. Narcotics severely deplete serotonin and dopamine, both of which are responsible for mood. when the junk is gone, we are leave neurologically stranded.

The other part is that we face, without numbing, the feelings we have about the consequences of the addiction, the choices it caused us to make, and how our lives have gone off track.  And that causes us to feel depressed most of the time as well..I know it sure did me.

What helped me most with the depression was adding the amino acid 5 HTP. It helped almost right away.  Go to a health food store and get some..take 50 mgs. If you tolerate that take 100mgs the next day.  You can safely take up to 300mgs a day.

What also helps is talking and getting support. Can you find a therapist and or support group? If nothing else, you always have us, and our unconditional love. We know what you are going through.

hope this helps..
love,
WW
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Sorry to break this thread ,but of course can't post a new ? Cindi when you see this would you mind e mailing me at ***@****?I  can't find your e mail addy anywhere!hope you doing well hope to hear from you soon! thanks jenifer
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Ginger, first of all reading your post just made me want to cry!!!! I am also a mother and was addicted to pain killers I found this site several months ago and it has helped me so much.  I also would just read without writing feeling that I had nothing to contribute.  Just the fact that you have come here to read means that you want help.  We, and I know all my friends are behind me here, will do anything and everything to help you!!!  Your life is worth living and noone can love your child like you can so just get rid of those thoughts.  Children love their mothers like noone else.  If you ever need help right away you can e-mail me at ***@****.  Your friend, Jules

Angelina - There are several things that can help you with your depression read the past posts Thomas will tell you exactly what.  I believe it is Ltyrosine but check with him.  He wrote something to me last week about it as I was going through the same thing.  Good luck Jules
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SORRY TO HIJACK THE THREAD BUT MY AMPHETAMINE POST HAS CONVENEINTLY DISAPPEARED,, II HAD SOME LEGIT QUESTIONS AND THEY ARE GONE,,HOPEFULLY THE ONE ABOUT THE GIRL HAVING INTERCOUSE WONDERING IF SHE SHOULD WASH HER BOYFRIEND "ORGAN" HAS BEEN DELETED AS WELL...I DON'T GET PISSED TOO EASY OR TOO OFTEN BUT CHRIST WHEN I HAVE APROBLEM AND NEED HELP THEY OBVIOUSLY DON'T FEEL IT IS IMPORTANT,,,I GUESS IF GO AND SHOOT MY SELF FULL OF SPEED, LOSE MY HAIR AND TEETH AND THEN ASK FOR HELP THEN IT MAY BE WORTH SOMETHING    IT'S NOT JUST ME,,LOTS OF IMPORTANT THINGS HAV BEEN DELETED ...WHY?   NOW THIS IS GOING TO MAKE ME WONDER IF IT IS EVEN WORTH IN A GREAT NIGHT  LOVR                  BHNA
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To answer your question which was DELETED about the ephedra,,yes  i have used it,,,my sister doe on a regular basis,,,,I usually fall asleep on it  LOL  I do take some stull called designer slim  it does have tyrosine, ephedra and other stuff,,it does give me some energy,,,and does supress my appetite  but it raises my BP to extreme leves  thank for asking  love cin

Now Skipper,,,,what;s this about kicking my ass?  LOL..Ummmmmmmmmmmm  i think I get the hint....i have already out the notion out fo my head,,,I'll just start shooting herion  BEFORE ANYBODY BLASTS ME FOR THAT ONE  I AM REALLY REALLY TRULY AND HONESTLY JUST KIDDING,,,,, I have enough probles already,,doug is in florida for a week I blew a fuse,,,,had to call my friends hubby to come over and do it,,I actually have take out the trash  LOL    so,,,,where have ya been anyway,,,yous spouse has been writing to me  God bless her  she is about a real and adorable as they come...haven't heard from you there,,,where is my it's Tuesday mail?  talk to ya soon    love to all  cin
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Thanks everyone who responded so kindly to my post! Just one quick thing: after re-reading it, I seem to have indicated that my mom only had 11 percocets left and was trying to go cold turkey. This is NOT the case, she's trying to wean off of them and is down to 11 per day...

I know the vomiting is not a good thing at all. At the same time, she has so many toxins built up in her system that I had almost expected this to happen...Is a wean-down still out of the question? The vomiting seems to have subsided when I visited her today, and gradually she seems to be doing better. Still, though, this would have to be dragged out for so long that I don't know if I want to deal with her detoxing for months on end, and I KNOW she doesn't want to either. I will, however, start mentioning to her the advice about professional help in detoxing, and start going over all the options. Thanks WW for the link, I'm going to check it out right now...sounds rather pricey but I guess there's no price on "life", heh. The way she is, if I even MENTION something like rehab, she just says "I don't wanna talk about it", and if I try to push it, she says it's making her nauseous to think about it...EVERYTHING makes her nauseous!!!

Anyway, all of this advice is well-taken. I will definitely "work on this" ;-). Thanks everyone :)

G
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Angelina, you've already gotten some very good advice and I'd like to second some of it and give you some more.

I've been on 200 mg oxycontin for almost three years. Legally. I'm a chronic pain patient after falling 25 feet from a tree. I doubt I'll ever be pain-free enough to get off this drug, though I'd like to. I reduced my dose a year ago from 120 mg twice a day to the 100 X2 I'm on now. Did it by myself. My pain management doc didn't know I was doing this until it was over.

I was depressed for 8 months.

I didn't know anything about how to combat the depression. There's a guy who posts here named Thomas, a prince of a guy. He uses the following supplements that many here have tried and swear by it:

4 grams of L-tyrosine in the morning on an empty stomach.
200 mg of B6 at the same time.
A zinc/magnesium supplement.

Don't eat anything for at least an hour after you take this stuff. This stuff is the raw material your body needs to replace the serotonin and dopamine that the oxy has replaced and because of that your brain has ceased making it. The lack of it is what is causing your depression. This is a chemical imbalance you're experiencing. Nothing more. Oh, yeah, the 5-HTP? People here swear by it as well. It's a direct precursor to serotonin as well.

If you can afford it, or you have insurance, get yourself to a psychiatrist - not a psychologist - preferably one who specializes in drug problems. I think you should be on at least two milligrams of klonopin a day and around 225 mg of Effexor a day.

There ARE ways to combat this depression, but you've gotta move your ass and DO IT. Also, are you tapering? Oxy is available in 10 mg tabs. Get yourself a script for those, enough to equal your original oxy dose. Get back on it and get on the "help" drugs and supplements and sloooooooowwwwwwlllllllyyyyyy taper off the oxy while taking the other stuff. You can do this and you don't have to experience the dance of the walking dead to do it, either. You've picked the hardest way possible. Knock that off and start taking care of yourself. We're here to help you and we will.

Francois

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Did you ever notice that when Dr. Steve shows up around here, whole threads disappear?  It's happened many times and I'm not sure why.  Sometimes they will reappear way down below for a while.

Anyway, I was just checking on you about the speed issue.  Like you said, you have enough problems without getting into more.  

In the past, I've jokingly said things here and was taken very seriously.  The point is that the thought was already in my mind.  Some people believe that to have the thought is tantamount to doing it.  Then again, I can fantasize with the best of them when I'm hurting.  I hope you are okay, Cindi.  Something just doesn't seem right about your posts lately.  Are you okay?

Take care of yourself

J.B.
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I want to thank each and everyone of you for your heartfelt concern and care in responding to my post!  Such wonderful people you are!  Let me bring you up to speed on my situation: I posted on Sunday the 7th of Oct., but Thursday before that Sunday is when I went cold turkey.  Today is Monday the 8th and I am so much better. I was SO bad last Friday, my husband called my psychiatrist (I have one for 7 years now) to let him know that I cold-turkeyed on Prozac for about 3 months!  I did so, without the MD's knowledge. Been on it for 7 years.  I didn't want to be on it anymore, because I kept hearing horror stories about it even though I didn't ever have a bad experience with it.  It did however,help me.  So my husband told this doctor that I was suicidal -- I really was.  The doc just said he would prescribe prozac 20mg. over the phone (phone in to pharmacist) and then make an appt. on Monday to see him.  Well today is Monday.  I did make an appt. and can't see him until Monday the 22nd....two weeks away.  I don't feel real good about his decision.  I was really out of it; losing it!   Well, since I am feeling better I will wait for the appt., BUT if I feel the need to go to a hospital for that kind of depression again, NOTHING is getting in my way!  So...in closing, I believe it was the combination between the cessation of Prozac for approximately 3 months AND cold turkey of oxycontin on Thursday.  Last Friday, Sat., and Sun. were horrible.  Today I feel more "human".  I HATE I have fibromyalgia..now I have to give up my medication that helped the pain so well.  But I will have to live in pain.  Yes.. I tried everything for the fibro...NO GO.  But I will deal with this pain.  The other "pain" of cold turkey and withdrawals were 500 times worse!  Love ya all....thank you, thank you, thank you all so much!!!!!   :)
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Gosh  you don't even know me but you can tell when i am not myself.  honestly JB  I am not ok..i mean I am ok but not really..I really can't pinpoint it..i am frazzled...i want to move to florida so bad...I hurt,,my back and whole body hurt and yes i take way to many pain pills now  I have built up a tolerance...no doc will treat me if i tell them my history then they find out anyway..i feel very very depressed...i feel like something terrible is about to happen and I don't know what...like doom and gloom follows me or something   I am preoccupied with death lately,,,,JB,,, Ok here come the tears,,,I'm sorry,,,I lost my mom,, my dad is still only 65  I need to go and be with him in florida  I am afraid my husband is going to die,,my kids, my gramma my sisters and brother my setpmom,,everyone,,,I am so afraid of losing the people I  love....and still I am laying awake at night terrifying myself about my own mortality..if i die i would leave my kids,,,who woudl be theri mommy,,,see,,this is what is bothering me...I am terrified and this is not like  me...and picking out mom's headstone did nothing to lift my spirits,,,I need something,,I feel like I am searching for something but i don't knOw what,,using won't help me   Then i still have my oproo         now, aren;t you sorry yu aksed ?    well,  I am off to bed   long day again t  thank you for asking  I'll be ok,,,,time i guess heals all wound,,  thank you my friend   love cin ,  
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I'm with you on this cindi..I don't understand why some posts are deleted and others not. The standards for it seem very inconsistent. I'll defend anyone's right to say what they need, but there have been some things on this board that I felt were not necessarily the best thing to be putting on a board where addicts where trying to recover. Those things stay? But your amphetamine post was asking for information, and the responses were great, and hopefully helpful to anyone who might have a problem with speed.  I don't understand the logic in deleting that.
I've had some of my posts deleted as well, and couldn't figure out why.

I'd really like to see from the moderators some sort of written guidelines for what they feel is inappropriate to post, just so we can have a headsup as well as some consistency.

Oh well...

Cin, have you tried the 5 HTP for the depression? It can't take your deep grief away, but it may help you feel better able to cope with it.
Your post about the tombstone, and putting your mother's name on it really got to me.  I can't imagine the depths of your grief, and I send you love and strength and support..I hope you can feel it.

Today I found out that someone I had the honor of having as a houseguest earlier this year, died tuesday. He was young. Not even 30. Life is short. We gotta live every moment to the fullest.

love,
WW
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Angelina,

I don't know enough about your situation to make any bold assumptions. I know that 5-HTP is a virtual "wonder-pill" for many people experiencing depression from narcotic withdrawal. It's over-the-counter, but you might be pleasantly surprised at how amazing it truly is! Check out your health-food store or supermarket (some carry it, some don't). I really swear by this stuff when I'm coming off of something, which I just did last August. It's a tad bit pricey, but under your circumstances, I think for you just to "FEEL GOOD AGAIN", it is worth it! Please don't give up on life, though...no son or daughter is better off without a mother!

I have a question to anyone who might have some know-how on the subject: my mother is detoxing (as I've mentioned in a previous post), and she is having a HELLUVA time! Every time I visit her, she is throwing up something awful in the bathroom (she's booked in a motel right now to deal with the beginnings of the WD). She wanted me to get some information about the treatment in which they put you to sleep for 4-6 hours and detoxify your system using a certain drug I don't know the name of....Has anyone tried this? Is it effective??? What's the price? Where are the places that they do it? (I am in new mexico btw)
I'd like to hear from someone who maybe has firsthand knowledge of this, but ANY info would be appreciated. My mom's in a really desperate state of mind. She told me that she'd been taking 12-14 percocets a day (along with soma, xanax, valium, lortab sometimes), but then the other day she tells me that she "thinks she wasn't keeping track of how much", because she's only down to eleven perc's and she's puking like CRAZY! I figure she was in the 20-25 range, if not more...She's been doing this stuff for around 8 years! I'm not sure I can personally relate to this, as I think that after a certain amount of time, that much drug use becomes even MORE than a "way of life", it BECOMES LIFE!!!!!! Quitting would be equal to DEATH in a way, or maybe I'm a bit off there... Please, if someone can relate to this, give me your honest feedback on how I should approach this situation! She becomes sooooo guilty of herself constantly! I'm thinking she may need some kind of medication for a good while AFTER quitting the narcotics? She hates therapists too, so there's another obstacle. She also has three ulcers now from the addiction and all the stress in her life. She's 43 and you might think she's ready to meet her maker the way she talks! It's like she wants to hide from everything and just sleep, and has been this way for the past 3 years, if not more! That is not who she is either, normally she's this bubbling ball of energy, now she never EVER does ANYTHING, I have to bring her her food every day, she rarely gets out of bed, trying to get her to go to the store is like a HUUUUUGE chore! :-\

Also, her heart is racing like mad since starting on this wean-down, and I had read about doctors prescribing blood pressure med's for withdrawals. Can anyone tell me how effective this is? I remember when I had my withdrawal, the heart-pounding was the sh*tiest part!
All info is greatly appreciated! I'm really desperate here. If you have any words of wisdom at ALL to give, please, by all means...
Thank you thank you thank you, this forum is really wonderful...hope you all know that cause I sure do ;-)

And Angelina, my thoughts and prayers are with you! Hang in there ok?

Gabe
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IO,I feel a little better today as far as the pot goes and ye the repspose did overwhelm me...iummmmmmmmm  soryy about all the typos  LOL I was so angfy and typing so fast and very very tired form the long weekend i head i went and saw the post this am and OMG   i didn't even know what i typed...anyway..my dear WW  thatk you for all of the kindness and support you show,,and for you nice warming words to me  I'm sure everyone gets tired of hearing about my mom and my love for her and my grief but WW you have got to understand  I love her..and i miss her more than any words can describe and i have had this pain in my chest since she died  right arond my heart  and I'm sure it is because it is broken  anyway,,,this is were my saddness and the picking oit of her caskek nearly killed me but the tombtone is worse  this may sound really dumb but shen i picked out her casket i made sure the bedding material was very soft as my mom had back problems and broken ribs from the prednisone she was on...here she is lay for eternity  she needed comfort....so i had to put a pic on her tombstone to show what a truly beautiful woman she was...before her illness took her,so I am not a nut..just a daughter who is hurting for her mom....please    forgive me...i was about ready to not come to this forum anymore but,,i can't leave behind all the wonderful people and support here...screw it...i need you all....love to all    cin
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I read the post about your mom, several things concern me:

The repeated vomiting - this is dangerous, can deplete her potassium and also is traumatic for her entire digestive and possibly neurological system. This is not normal withdrawal, if any withdrawal is normal.

The racing heartbeat - could mean anything from mild to serious hypertension or even more severe cardiac precursors.

And finally, nobody knows how much meds she was taking.

In short, you and your mom are frankly walking a very dangerous path. Even at 43 she is at risk for severe complications. I know she is violently opposed to treatment but you both need to sit down and consider that this could be very serious. We do not have the expertise on this board to give you medical advice if her condition is severe and Dr. Steve drops in with generic little tips to cover his ass. If he was monitoring this more closely I am sure he would say to get treatment.

How is this for a compromise? Take her to a county ER. Say you don't have a treating physician to your memory. This may not be true but we are concerned about you mom's life not compliance with medical records. Have them take her BP. Say she got a hold of a lot of painkillers for the last few months and was taking them. DO NOT ALLOW them to release your medical records if possible.

I am worried about your mom's health and just want you to have my perspective.

Take Care and keep us posted.

Sincerely,

Frank
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GJ, I looked into the rapid opiate detox procedure, where they put you under general anasthesia for a few hours and detox you. Apparently you wake up totally through the withdrawals.

I went to this site, and called the doctor who does it at this center.

http://www.mindspring.com/~sleepdr/PROD.html

He was very compassionate, listened to me as I cried..I was so desperate and ashamed at the time.  The site explains that he requires that the patient take naltrexone (the meds that he administers under anasthesia) for 6 months post procedure (this med makes a person unable to respond to opiates), as well as to get follow up counseling. There are other clinics that do it. This Doc charges $5,000.00 to do it. Other places cost more.

I didn't do it because I felt that I needed the dread of withdrawals to give me the incentive not to use again.

Ok..now I have to say I agree with Frank Lee, that your mom is doing something extremely dangerous. It sounds as if she needs a medically supervised detox.  I'm worried she could get very ill and maybe even die without the right kind of medical supervision. Please get her to an ER right away. Please!

love,
WW
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Oh god cindi, please don't leave us! I think we have all had posts deleted for no understandable reason in the past, and we just have to remember to stick together and try to appreciate that we have this forum in the first place.

My posts on the medication deprenyl were deleted along with your thread as well. Why? I have no clue. It is not a recreational drug. You can't get high off it. It helps restore normal dopamine production.  I don't get it.

Oh well...

my love and support to you Cindi

WW
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DId anyone read Gingers post to Angelina she doesn't sound like she is in good shape!!!  I doubt anyone knows how to get in touch with her but I am very worried about some of the things she said.  What can we do to help?
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GJ:   I have to agree with Frank Lee,,,,you mom is heading down a very dangerous path,,,,the vomiting,,,will in itself cause dehydration and an electrolyte inmbalance,,K+ depletion (potassium) NA (sodium) among others, which will eventually cause other problems including cardiac related problems, mental confusion etc.  you say she now has stomach ulcers,,,,there in itself is the potential for perforation,,,she really does need to get help...physically she needs help and emotionally also..best of luck to you and your mom.....God bless you    


WW,,You are so kind and so helpful to me...I have never been nor do i usually get this upset over things as easily as i did over this post...i remember a few motnhs back one gal had her post deleted and she was extremely upset..I believe she contacted Cindy at Medhelp and Cindy claimed that posts are never deleted and if it is  deleted it is due to some kind of technical error or some happy horseshit..she said if it happens then she need to know dates etc..so I will contact her and give her the friggin dates...believe me WW, I don't want to leave this forum  I have been here for 10 months since my mom died,,and everyone herem the oldtimers and the new timers have helped me out more than anyone will ever know..when mom died,,, a part of me died,,but i have 2 precious beautiful kids and a great hsuband and I live for those 3...i truly do,,,but when my mom died I had no desire to go on  this was my mom the person that gave me life,,i have said it before and I'll say it again.no one will ever love me like that again...maternal love is something that happens once in alife time...these people loved me back to life, let me blubber and whine and were always there for me,,,i want to give back everything they have given to me but sometimes I feel i have nothing to offer people except a shoulder to cry on or lend an ear...anyway,,,i have a ton of stuff to do for work tomorrow so i better get my butt moving  thanks again,,,,love to all   cin
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Sounds like your mom needs hospital care. They have better ways of monitoring her heart and etc. My dad landed in the hospital also due to withdrawal -accidently. I think his only complaint was he didn't go sooner.Besides there may be some other complication that you all may be over looking.She should be monitored. I understand you hestitation,my dad didn't want to go initially, But his first comment when I got there was he felt better. And Gatorade aide won't cut it when they lose too much potassium. Let us know what happens.
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Talk to me!!! I need to feel needed as we all do. Please share with me so I can help. WW has been kind to me and I'd like the chance to spread some kindness also.... ANYONE?!
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No, I'm not sorry I asked.  I only know you through this forum and can tell that you are hurting.  I'm sorry if I annoyed you!  We went through many of the same things you talk about, with our daughter.  Choosing her headstone was very difficult for all of us...it took several months.  Personally, I felt like a walking deadman for along time, nothing to live for and afraid of life in general.  Time heals nothing, Cindi.  It's what we do during the time that heals us...or hurts us.  We either keep going on with our lives or lay down and let everybody and everything run over us until nothing is left.  Gee, Florida sounds pretty good these mornings when there's frost on the punkin!  J.B.
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Hi,just wanted yoy to know I'm thinking about you. I think I understand your aniexty to some extent.Do you think part of it is due to this terroism? I think it's affecting alot of us differently. I've been preoccupied with the notion that 'they' might try to get to us thru our children. So I'm scared about the schools. Death and our mortality is an ongoing issue. But now we're having to deal with a new threat. You, like me, need to distract ourselves. I realized the other day that I haven't even made one apple pie this whole summer. Now all the apples have fallen from the tree. I think that will be one thing I can do but first I'll have to go pay for some apples. And I'll send you a cyber slice of dutch apple pie. Would you like that ala'mode?:) Chin up,hon, we are here for you. Sincerely, Shosty
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(((HUGS))) girlie!  I'm so sorry you are feeling so scared and sad.  I've been way too busy lately, I didn't realize you were hurting.  Maybe I'll try to give you a call later tonight.
More (((HUGS)))!!!
Lv Jenny
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JB,,  How in the world could you my dear friend ever ever annoy me..?    I do know about your daughter and I can't even begin to think about what would happen to me if i lost a child....a parent is hard enough but a child...Dear God...how does one live through that I will never know...you are right when you say it is what we do with our time   because time does not heal...I can't lay down and do nothing  i have 2 children that I live each and every minute for,,and a husband that would give his life for mine...what the hell is wrong with me,,doug is gone,,he is in florida and found a job   all we have to do is sell and get the hell out of Dodge..(ok  Ohio)  .I need to snap oout of this rut and start t live again...I am feelin a bit better today  I met a woman where I work and for no reason out of the blue she began talking aobut her faith in God and the fact that he helped her to kick a crack habit and on and on until I had goose bumps.then we both sat there and cried......God put her there for a reason today...but please JB   I feel so bad that yo think you annoyed me,,,,how can you annoy me when we are not married?    LOL     love ya   cin
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Thanks, Cindi!  You are going to be just fine.  You sound better already.  J.B.
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My dear ladies...thank you for your warmth and support,,,Shotsy,,to answer your question,,yes I think alot of it has to do with the terrorism,,I am terrified....I am afraid this is the end of the world...my kids,, all kids need the chance to live and grow....I have read the book of Revelations    some parts I understand  others I don't get but even so...this is a sign and yes I need to turn my attentions to other things  maybe moving,,,people say things to me  sometimes kidding and sometimes voicing their opinions and I just get so freaked..the mailman told me that we have 30 days and that's it....over  kaput...the other girls at work yelled at him because they saw I was starting to cry and they knew I'd be freaky all day...the other part is that we can be taken so quickly,,,,anytime,,,,and then there is mom which I won't get into again,,,,I'll put everyone to sleep..so it is a lot of things rolled into one..but how about this,,,do you think it could be hormonal?   my depression and my fears?  I just turned 41 and from what my "old" doc told me was that I may be going through Perimenopause.. that's sounds so old...like I'm afraid I'll grow a beard,,,,dry up,,,rust shut or what ever,,,,(I hope no guys are reading this  LOL  oh what the hell,,,we are all family  LOL   whatever it is,,,like I said  I can't pinpoint it...this too shall pass....thank you all for helping me once again......you are all truly wonderful people.........love to all cin
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JB, I had no idea that you have suffered the loss of a child.

I don't know that there is any greater pain than that. I mean, all grief is beyond intense, I don't mean to minimize any of it, but a parent should just never have to bury a child.

I'm sorry.

Your comment about it is not time that heals, but what we do with the time, struck a deep chord in me. Thank you for that one.

lots of love,
WW
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JB

I felt so sorrowful when i read about the loss of your child. My heart goes out to you. i can't even begin to imagine.

I agree with WW your comment about "time heals nothing. It is what we due during the time that heals us or hurts us"  Very powerful comment. I will carry that with me.

May you find peace

Shea
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Cindi, you've got a general anxiety syndrome and need to be treated for it. I don't remember your drug history, but honestly, you need some klonopin and effexor xr. You really need to do something for yourself and soon. That kind of obsessive, destructive thinking you're doing just keeps getting worse and worse if you don't do something about it.

You would possibly be much better on only 1 mg klonopin twice a day and 225 of effexor.

I know drugs are a touchy subject here, but think about it...if you had to have thoracic surgery, you'd have to accept anesthesia and pain meds thereafter.

Please, please, please, go see a psychiatrist and do something about this anxiety syndrome you have before you push yourself over the edge.

Francois
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Yeah, I guess we're birds of a feather. Dr. told me the same thing. And I have been getting some hair on my upper lip.YUCK! Getting older is a real different at this age, or so it seems to me. I think also we just get to a point were our plate is too full. It's more than we know how to deal with. As far as reading the bible, throughout time people have thought it was the end. But the bible also states no one knows the time. If your a Christian this is also something that is looked forward too. Not the bad stuff I mean. But maybe some of the emptiness may be your spirutal self needing comforting. I'd suggest reading proverbs or psalms, revelations can be very difficult and upsetting. Anyways, try to do something uplifting. Just know that everything is going to be okay...That's  what I keep telling myself and eventually it does. Not always on my time schedule but things have a way of working out.
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SHOTSY - You really sound so much better!!  What is your story anyway?  If you would like to share it I would like to hear it.  I am going through some tough depression right now. I think it is a combination of a lot of things.  My husband works in Manhattan and was supposed to be at WTC the day of that attack and that is still kind of freaking me out and the fact that he goes in everyday.  I used to do the same thing now I am a stay at home mom and grateful every day to be able to do that.  UUGGHH I feel so sad today!!!!  I feel like I used to help here and now I feel not needed or listened to either oh well its just me being hormonal I guess!!!  Let me know how you are!

JB - I am also so saddened to hear about your daughter I had no idea.  I don't know what to say but you have so many friends here I truly hope it helps Bless your heart!!  Jules

CINDI - Just a little hello I am also down so if you can make us laugh ok  Se  ya Jules
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Hi there,,I am so glad to hear from you..I know somewhere deep inside of me something is wrong..my doc had me on Celexa....and she really had my pain from my back and my fibro under control with Oxycontin...either 40 mgs twice a day or 80 in the morning..seemed to work really well..i made one big boo boo and never told her i had a demerol /poly drug habit years back..somehow she found out and she sent me a dear john letter so no more celexa..I knew i needed something to keep me calm especially at night so i got ahold of some valium,,,and my friend had given me .5 of klonopin..i prefer the valium but i do not want it in the daytime.  I work in a preschool as the nurse/toddler program director....i need to be pretty much alert...I try not to think too much...i try to stay away from newspapers too much  I am in the process of trying to find a new doc that will treat my pain but i guess i have to be honest with him or her..the reason i like the valium is that by the time i am ready for bed I fall right asleep and don't lay awake and think,,,that is my downfall. JB is right,,my husband called from florida and said i didn't sound right,,i thought i was fine considering my son was acting like a fool, he thinks he can fly and breathe fire..i have constant phone calls checking on me,,my neighbors, my gramma etc.  since they know doug is gone,, for a week...anyway  i will take your advice,,,i needed to hear that,,thank you for your concern....and caring,,,,,and how are you doing my friend?  hope all is well      love to all cin
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hey  ya wanna build a bomb  shelter?  LOL  just kidding..well live  off of your apple pies,,,,oops better be careful before this gets deleted,,you guys have been such a help....thank you  love to all cin
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I heard on a very credible radio newbroadcast they were talking aobut hearing loss and people that take excessive doses of hydro which would include alot of us,,over a period of time are facing the very high risk of irreversable hearing loss...just a little tidbit i thought I'd pass along...but you have to talk loud when you type back to me   can't hear as well these days,,(just kidding),,love cin
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Cindi, do you have any kind of source for that research on the hearing loss/hydro connection?

I ask 'cause I have felt over the past year that my hearing has been declining..I've blamed it on my hubbie mumbling rather than speaking up, but it has bothered me. I'm only 38!

I'd like to learn more about this. Has anyone else noticed this?

love,
WW
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hey girl, read you very touching posts, check out my site www.geocities.com/adriandt3. you may find what you are truly looking for, I did
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Sorry I haven't written...I get into my own little world sometimes and feel overwhelmed...but until I can write more, here's a little I LOVE YOU! from your pal Milo. I'm keeping you in my thoughts & prayers, dear lady. -- Milo
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Big A....thanks for the site  i will definately  look at it after work...i'm late again as usualy,,,LOL

WW..the radioshow i heard it on was a local AM talk show and the host who has been around for 40 years or so has various guests on and they take phone calls,,,topic was about cochlear implants and various reasons for hearing loss and the guest on the show that morning was a DR. in the Youngstown Warren Ohio area (where I live) wo specializes in hearing loss...and the implants he was just stating that several drugs can cause hearling loss,,,Aspirin being one of them and the the Vicodin  of couse my ears popped up..this doc is very well known and he studied under a DR LIPPEY here in this are who is the man to see for implants and hearing loss...kind of like Dr. Debakey in his fiked of Cardic surgery..

And to My little Milo.....Thank you my dear man....and I love you right back 10 times more....i'll send ya mail later    love to all of you  cin
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sorry about the typos   my typing is getting worse  the more I type  go figure....i meant to say dr. debakey and the field of Cardio/thoracic surgery........also it was the hydro in the vics not the acetominophen,,and the loss occurs when taken in large doses over an extended period of time.........love ya  my favorite little witch......cin
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Speaking of hydrocodone,  I was informed by a very reliable source that Hydro and Oxycodone may cause water retention. They are also known to cause joint pain in the feet and knee.  I've always assumed that it was the Tylenol content that caused my feet and legs to swell and hurt.

These drugs tend to cause water retention by interferring with the hormone that regulates this.  All I know is that when I stop using these meds,  the swelling goes down within a few days.

Hearing loss is a new one for me but I'll check up on it!  J.B.
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Yes, I'm doing much better for now. That weekend my husband and kids left for the weekend. Left me here with all this **** to do. That's his way. And I was feeling over whelmed. For the last six years I've basically been a prisoner in my own home. We have a business here and one of us has to be here at all times. Until we get a fence. So I've been the one who plays guard dog while he goes on vacation and 1 or 2 day excursions with the kids. I was just upset that all this stuff is left up to little ol' me. Plus feeling like I was talking into a black hole wasn't helping.I think also it's a ***** realizing how difficult it is to be an adult.When you have kids looking up to you for reasurrance and you yourself are needing that yourself. So wearing this mask of calm when you don't really feel it is tough.And knowing that there are people out there that don't want the same things as you. They would much rather kill than to try to live in peace. The seeds of terrorism have been planted in our hearts and we have to figure out how to choke them out before they grow to big.Here lately I feel I've just been pruning them back.I remember seeing an interveiw with some WWII vets. One was aked how they dealt with it and he said they just did. How would he deal with terrorism and he said that is for our generation to figure out and that we would. And I think we will get a grasp on this as time goes on.I read this saying if we can't be thankful for what we receive, we should at least be thankful for what we escape. And that's so true. There are so many people affected directly from this,that I have little to be ungrateful for. May God bless them and keep them close. Shotsy
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I miss you guys!
I'm trying to catch up!
Cindi: Hang in there girl, and remember, CALL ME ANYTIME!!!!!  Florida is great and waiting impatiently for you to move here!!!!
Jbear: you are always there for people, you're such a sweetie!
WW:  You're sounding wonderful girl!!!  Hope life is treating you as you deserve, and i hope your pain is lessening overtime; you're my hero!!!
JB:  I'm very sorry to hear about your daughter.  As a mother of three, i just couldn't imagine!!!  I cringe at the thought!!!
Milo:  You may be in your little world, but we can still *see* you, hope all is well!!!!
SKip:  Hope all is well with you lately.  How's your doggie?

Strength and love to everyone else, hang in there, you're worth it!!!!
Lv Jenny
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I just wanted to thank everyone for thier concern about my daughter.  It's been over two years that she passed.  She is far from gone in our lives and never forgotten!  She gave us a wonderful Grand daughter to nurture and love.  Life goes on.  There is always a reason to be happy!  J.B.
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I knew about the water retention and joint pain  the joint pain is in my fingers and ankles...and the swelling is pretty bad also...JB,,,God bless you,,I have learned so much from you,,,how do you go on?  You just do i guess......love you all   cin
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How do I go on?  Good question, Cindi!  I guess I'm just one of the lucky ones.  I'm kidding of course.  Maybe it's all of the little things that have shaped my life from day one.  Maybe I've learned to not take myself or the world in general too seriously.  We are but a pitance in the scheme of things.  Take your hand out of a bucket of water and see if your hand is missed.  It all closes in again when we are gone.  Set goals and work until they are met, then set more.  What else can I say?  Teach yourself to be thankful for the hand you were dealt.  Sometimes we get lucky and other times we don't.  Above all, **** happens and we have to deal with it or leave the table.  Just keep playing!  J.B.
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You truly are a guiding light,,,you have experienced alot more in life than i have and you are not many years older than me...did you say you were in Vietnam?  anyway,,,to have the outlook that you do is a blessing,,,,I don't just want to muddle through...I want to do like you do and accept life...life on life's terms has always been a hard one for me but it is time now i guess,,Huh?  we have things in common between us but when it comes right down to it we should count our blessings and i have 2 little ones right here bugging me for cereal..LOL  late for work again......thank you my friend   love cin  PS  Of course my prayers are with you and Marty....how is she by the way?
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You are such a busy bee!  Marty is like that, too.  Like the Energizer Bunny.  I'm pretty much opposite of that in that I tend to set my mind on something, plan it all out in my head, consider all the snags I might encounter and then go into action.

My mind is set on going to Cancun, Mexico tomorrow and I still might back out and stay here on the farm.  Marty, our other daughter and two boys sure are excited about going though.  They want to swim with the dolphins and see the whales.  My main dread is the airport(s) with all the waiting in line and high security stuff.  We leave here at 2:30 am one way or another!

I just hope that you and this forum will still be here when we return. I'll be thinking about you!  J.B.
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go to Cancun and have a wonderful time   we will all still be here when you get back....you will love it  i just dread flying myself,,take care of your self and your family   marty na dht ekids will have a hoot... fly....be free.......my prayers are with you all    lvoe ya  cin
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After finishing up a Fioricet script (which I didn't even request, but of course gladly accepted -- but that's another story) I made it through unpleasant but not too terrible withdrawals, but this past week depression has weighed heavily on me as so many of you have said. Last week I felt optimistic, like maybe there was hope for happiness after all. This week...OK, I'll (finally) get out of bed and go to my job, which I used to love but now hate...make it through the day...come home just to feel more depressed and hope I can scrounge up something to send me off into la-la land or at least take the edge off. Had a "bug" w/diarrhea & awful nausea, & the Dr. didn't want to prescribe anything for nausea due to "side effects." Makes me feel like I'm out there all alone, on my own, esp, since just the thought of throwing up completely freaks me out (phobic reaction). Any words of wisdom, support, or comfort? -- Little Milo
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I think you know there will be Good days and there will be Bad days. This is obviously a little run of bad ones. And feeling ill doesn't help. One thing I will suggest for nausea is Zofran. It is used for Chemo patients but it doesn't make you tired or anything. It is very expensive so insurance is a life saver. I think you have to ask the doctor for it as they won't suggest it. i took it while detoxong and i swear it saved my sanity. I was SO SO sick nausea/vomiting.

Maybe with the weekend coming up you can think of some R&R with a good movie you can escape into and take the focus away from how yur feeling. Most of all remember these bad days do pass. i know from reading the posts here there are MANY people that care about you and many that rely on your compassionate words of comfort. How good that should make you feel to know how yu touch the lives of people.

I hate cliches but here goes.."this too will pass" this is one I tell myself all the time when I have those bad days. And trust me I have more than my share of them. Hope you are feeling better soon both physically and mentally.

May you find peace

Shea
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Milo:
Hang in there buddy....i'ld talk at ya' more but i'm heade for the
bathroom....
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I know it will pass -- but I definitely need to be reminded! The weekend R&R sounds like a great idea. I have some work to do over the weekend, but not too much, so I'm going to watch some good movies and otherwise "treat" myself to some special things (don't know exactly what yet, but I'll think of them! Thanks for thinking of me.
Kip, that story (in earlier thread) about ol' "meaty boy" finding himself in the bathroom at the wrong time was classic! Poor thing didn't know what he was getting himself in for! Hope you're feeling better. -- Li'l Milo
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I am just trying to see if I can post a comment, because I spilled my guts earlier today only to have it rejected because the thread was broken or some such thing.
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I'm a first timer on this page, but listening to all of you has made me feel less alone, less of a failure, less of a bad person.  I too had been prescribed vicoprofen for extreme back pain, probably 3-4 years ago, then one day I discovered it did more than just alleviate the physical pain I was feeling it also performed the function of self medication for my depression. The pain, by the way, has been gone for many years, although I do still have verifiable back deterioration with cat scans, etc. to prove it, so it is not difficult for me to go to a doctor and obtain what I want.  Unfortunately, this ease of obtaining the drug is stronger than I seem to be.  I no longer feel happy about anything in my life, except when I am under the influence.  On a normal day I wake up with a deep dread in the pit of my stomach.  I only feel optimistic when I know I will be taking something.  I've tried tapering off and it has helped with the panic attacks a bit, but I still feel in the grips of something so much stronger than myself.  The worst part is that my depression increases every day and my family, who all love me very much, doesn't know what to do to help me and I, of course, feel I can't tell them the truth without feeling like the piece of human garbage, weakling that I have become.  I have gone from taking a few on weekends to 10-15 a day to trying to quit by sedating myself at night with clonipin, ambien, benadryl and a dose of vico in the middle of the night to get me through.  Still I wake up with an empty pit in my stomach where my hope used to be experienced.  I drag myself through the day, crying at the drop of a hat (not unusual for me even normally, but definately much worse than previously).  Well I know I ramble but that is because this has been my ugly little secret for close to 5 years now.  The bottom line is I feel like a weakling and a failure, a disappointment to my husband and our dreams of building our house in the country (as we have been saving for 3 years and are getting close, but now I am so miserable, and he thinks it's my job, which isn't helping for sure, so I am going to quit as we agreed 6 months ago and so there goes the extra saving money, etc.)  Please forgive me for going on, but if someone could just post a few kind words I think it would really help since I have not had any dialogue with anyone about this problem ever!!!!!!
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Hey, hon. Don't despair. Your going to be okay. Just keep telling yourself. I'd like you to post closer to the top, just in case nobody sees this down here. There are alot of people with the experience to help you out better than I. Just know that I care. Just go up top and post okay. See ya up there . Bye, Shotsy
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Dear lady, Shotsy is right.....do not despair and do post higher up on the forum so you will get more response. Listen to me here right now. First off you are just the same as us with a very familiar story. You are NOT human garbage, nor a weakling. You are very strong as you have made the FIRST step to recovery. You have come forward and have been truthful to yourself and to us. You will not find a better source of support or compassion as you will find here. We ALL have had to make that first leap from being behind the scenes to posting. There are many success stories here me being one of them. I am an addict who has been clean for over six months after decades of use. I started with a back problem just like many here. Pain and injury are nothing to be ashamed of friend. The first thing you have to do is to start LOVING yourself as we love you, and we DO love you no matter what and there is nothing you can do about it as Skipper says! Welcome to the forum and the road to recovery. Remember you are not alone and to take each day as it comes. We will help you when you stumble and carry you if you fall.Do not be afraid. You might be suprised with the support you husband might give if you tell him the truth. Isn't that what being married is all about?
I carried the secret for years before telling my wife and she gave me nothing but love and support. The worst part of it was the dread of the unknown that never came! I shall keep you in my prayers my new friend. Reach for the Light of freedom!
Power & Magick 2 U,
Wizard
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You have found a very special place here.  Please continue to post for support, you will be comforted here with so many who feel your EXACT pain!!!!
You sound like me in so many ways, although I don't have the physical pain, I so deeply relate to your words.
You need to find out if you do indeed suffer from depression, and are self-medicating yourself with the pills.
Sounds like you are, and need some help with a good dr (far and few, but they are out there).
You have fallen into a trap of the pills taking over the part of your brain with gives me natural chemical happiness.
The pills have taken over, and it's hard to 'feel' as you should without them unless you quit (easier said then done, but possible).  You may need the help of a good antidepressant to lend a hand their the hard times, adjustment of no more pill induced happiness.  Please keep coming back and read through this forum.  These people are a godsend, and they will be here whenever you need to talk!  Their words are from the heart and soul, and you will never feel 'alone' again as long as you trust and stick closeby!!!!
Addiction is a horrible disease, but a drug-free life is a wonderful thing, but you need to stop beating yourself up.
You are a wonderful person.  It's the best of people that get caught up in addiction.  We are the ones who feel so deeply about life and take things to heart, making us easy prey for addiction.  But know in your heart that addiction is a disease just like cancer or heart disease.  You are NOT a BAD person!!!!  You need to love yourself and know that you are WORTH the battle to getting yourself happy and healthy again!
Stay closeby, you won't regret it!!!!!
Good luck sweetie!
Lv Jenny
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Thank you so much for your much needed support.  By the way, Jenny, I am on anti depressants (prozac right now), but it doesn't seem to be helping.  And I have been trying to taper off, at least during the week with an eye toward total recovery.  I know this probably seems like a wimpy way to go to all of you who have successfully beat this thing, but it is all I can muster right now.  And the lessening of the dosage during with week is making me start to feel a little more human, less dead inside.  Please write when you can, I need all your love and support.  Thanks again.  P.S.  How does one post closer to the top?
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Welcome to the forum my new found friend! My story is a lot like yours...though I do still have my back pain, I did manage to get clean and it is almost two months of being clean at this point.

I'm wondering if you've read enough of this forum to get the nutritional advice.  Look through the threads for Thomas's recipe, or email me at ***@**** and I'll send it to you.  See, the medication really drains your body of nutrients and neurotransmitters that affect mood. This, along with the shame and spiritual emptiness that comes with addiction, creates such a deep depression that the cycle is very hard to break.

If you are already on prozac, don't take the supplement 5 HTP, since it also increases serotonin, and too much is a bad thing. But do consider taking modest amounts of zinc, magnesium, calcium and manganese..Just take it in multimineral tablet form. This helped me a lot.

But, what helped most was the spiritual and emotional nourishment I've found by finding this forum family, where I could get the love I no longer felt worthy of. I have found more love here, among us addicts, than almost anywhere else I've searched. And that love is now here for you as well.  

By the way, to post up higher where more people will see your words and post back to you, just answer a post on one of the threads nearer to the begining.

lots of love,

WW
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Oh sweetie, tappering is NOT a whimpy way out!  You do it however you need to, point is, you are DOING it!!!
I'm still in a world of addiction, so i admire your strength.
Maybe a different antidepressant would help you better.  There are many different kinds, and sometimes it takes trying a few out before you find the right one for you.
Stay with us, we need you, and you won't regret it!!!
Lv Jenny
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Thanks you guys for your positive feedback.  It's Monday morning and I feel like a truck ran over my stomach, tears wait on the threshold of my eyelids, but then I try to think of all the people who love me and now my new found friends and maybe, just maybe, I can make it through the day.  

ww:  thanks for the nutritional advice.  I already take a multi-vitamin and mineral supplement.  Do you think that has adequate amounts of those minerals that you mentioned or should I get a separate multi mineral supp.  Do they make those?  Thanks again just for being there.

jenny:  thank you for making me not feel like a weakling.  I am also trying to view this thing as the physical ailment that it is and to stop beating myself up about it.  If I had cancer or some other dread disease and I had to take a little time off from the stress of a job, etc., I would not be feeling guilty.  Love Rocket Girl
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Good Morning to you. I noticed you said that tears are on the threshold of you lids. I remember only too well that very same thing. During the first couple of weeks of detoxing I found myself crying at the drop of a pin. I mean a dog food commercial would set me off. Even watching the Lion King got me blubbering. I couldn't tell you why except that maybe ones emotions are trying to get back in check and are confused? All I know is that it is NORMAL for sure as I have heard it repeated over and over by recovering users. You WILL get through this with flying colors for sure. Keep reaching for that Light of Freedom and all will be well. Now that I am clean the dog food commercials don't make me cry anymore. LOL I still lose it with the Lion King though...........What's that all about?????? ROFLMAO.
Bless You my new friend and keep on the path!
Power & Magick 2 U,
Wizard
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Oh my god!!  I thought I was the only person in the world addicted to oxy contin and codeine and experiencing HELLISH withdrawel from even just cutting down a little!!  I have fibro, RA, diabetes, HTN, chronic ulcers and depression and Im 40-female.  This drug stuff has ruined my life along w the pain.  Yeah I get relief from the pills-I take 40 mgs oxy twice a day for the past 2 yrs along with ALOT of Tylenol #4 (12-14 a day).  I used 2-3 drs to do this.  Now I hate my life and me and cannot stand everyone thinking Im a total airhead, and being brain dead all the time.  I havent worked since 1992 and cant cause of the chronic pain but have got to cut down if not eliminate all these pills.  I am getting off Flexaril (actually Ive been off for 12 days completely) and that is causing withdrawel and anxiety.  Plus after 12 hrs the oxy dose wears off and since Ive stopped gulping the codeines I now have withdrawel which wakes me like a trip to hell every morning.  I drag myself up and to the sofa and there I take my 40 mgs oxy and 3 T & C's and in 30-45 min I feel ok again.  What a way to live!  AFter about an hr, my heart rate speeds up and I start to sweat.  This is still preferable to the pain though (and withdrawel).  If I try to even delay the oxy oh God do I suffer! Oxy alone does not take care of the pain hence the codeine use; and NO WAY am I going to up the oxy.  The dr's act as if they are doing me a favor as it is. When Im in pain I want the pills......when I take the pills I want to get off.......what a miserable way to live.  ANd knowing that your life revolves around RX's (im on 10) sucks espec since no one I know does this and even my 76 yr old mother in law can go on 6 mile hikes and doesnt even have tylenol or even Rolaids in her house!!!!!!  It makes me want to screammmm.  I am so bitter that this has happened.  And last month I found out I have skin cancer-go figure Ive lived in Rochester, NY most of my life-must have been that 5 minutes of sun we got in 1976!!! Its just basel cell but still its like what next??? Honestly I hate to carry on but I know some very mean and unethical people who are ruthless and cut throat and yet they prosper-WHY?????? I have always been Christian and care for others to a fault.  Im so glad I found this and thanks for letting me vent,  I have felt like a freak and its nice to know Im not alone. Diane S
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You are never alone.....all of us here have been throught what you are experiencing or know someone who has...or they want so desperately to get clean...everyone struggles...please keep coming back,,,,you will get alot of good advice...honest opinions, some sugarcoating  (I'm guilty of that sometimes) and some straight to the point old fashioned no nonsense advice..but you will never ever be judged, thrown to the side and ignored,,,all though your posts may be deleted sometimes,,,,no fault of ours...try to keep your posts up higher on the board so that we can see you  sometimes not all of us scroll down to the very end and may miss something...and you more than likely will even get a few good chuckles even during your very bad moments....we are from all different backgrounds, states, and even some countries, beliefs etc. but,,we are all in this together...we all care,,and when I say care, I mean genuinely care for each other  when one hurts we all hurt...as we have all felt that blood curdling, bind blowing, numbing pain of one kind or another, we are here to help you in any way we can.....just know we are here for you     love to all      cin
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Rocketgirl:  How are you doing sweetie?  Just thinking about you and wondering how your tappering is coming along.  You have the right idea, you have a disease, and you definately have to look at it as such.  Keep being strong, and you will feel so much better once you get past the rough part, and know that it's only temporary.  Stay with us, and let us know how you are doing.
Diane:  You have found a wonderful place.  Like Cindi says, keep coming back, this is the only place some of us have found where there is true understanding and love with going through what you are going through.  Your pain must be very difficult, but i can understand your wanting to cut back, it does take away a part of yourself that feels so lost and far away at times.  It's easy to have it all get away from you when you are feeling such horrible pain.  I do the same thing, when i've just taken something, i swear i'm going to stop one day (soon), but once i'm hurting (withdrawals), i can't think of anything else but to get rid of the 'pain'.  I have shoulder pain which really isn't that bad, but what floors me is that i still feel the physical pain right through the medication, i can only wonder how horrible it is to have really intense pain.  My husband has an injured back, and still screams out in pain when he has to move or get up from a laying down position, and this is while he's all doped-up.  Pain is an awful thing.
Stay close by, you will never feel alone again!
Lv Jenny
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Thanks for checking up on me jenny.  I need watching after.  I was tapering fairly well, then went away for 4 days to the country to see friends and realized I could not be moping and crying the whole time so I started taking 5 /7.5 vics twice a day while there, just to feel normal.  So now I'm back home and withdrawing all day long, only to go home, take a walk, shower, get in my pj's and gulp down some klonipin (klonopin), ambien, and one vicuprofen.  This gets me to sleep, but I wake often throughout the night with feelings of hopeless dread.  When morning comes around I would like to roll up into a ball and sleep forever.  But I drag myself out of bed and force myself to go to work another day.  Also, no one has mentioned the inability to eat that I'm experiencing.  I am so hungry, but cannot stand the thought of putting food into my mouth until I get home in the evening, take my meds and calm down.  Are others experiencing this kind of anxiety and inability to eat?  

Diane, I feel for where you are.  It's where I was (and still pretty much am) when I started writing here.  I was so unhappy feeling like the drugs have me in a stranglehold.  Feeling helpless and hating myself for my dependence.  Just do what these wise people suggest and remember that mostly drug addiction happens to the most sensitive and sadly, the most depressed people in the population.  It is a disease like any other and nothing to be ashamed of.  Love Rocket Girl

P.S.  Witchy woman, I still haven't gotten the mineral supplement you suggested, and now I've also read about taking the 4 gms. of L Tyrosine, 200mg B6 and a zinc and magnesium supplement.  What do you suggest?  I trust you.
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