Horrific Depression from withdrawals???????????

[Angelina]

I have been on oxycontin for 1 month; 20mg every twelve hours, although I took the two 20mg. tabs in the morning, every morning.  I have fibromyalgia.  I used to take vicodin, and most other short-acting narcotic meds prior to the oxycontin.  I ran out 5 days prior to my next appointment which did not happen to fall on an even 30 days; my prescription was for 30 days...so now I am on my 4th day and feel like I want to die.  The first two days were the worst depression I have ever gone through.  I almost took my life.  Here is my main question:  I have read close to 100 posts if not more, and many of the withdrawal symptoms do NOT say anything about depression.  Depression was my absolute worst symptom!!  Is this not a normal withdrawal symptom?  Most symptoms are the flu-like and diarrhea which I definitely did have!!!!  The headaches are absolutely killing me.  I need to look for something other than this narcotic junk to help me with the pain of fibromyalgia, although I didn't find it yet.  I surfed the website many times on fibromyalgia, and tried it all just about.  But if this is what narcotics is going to do to me, I'd rather bear the pain of fibro, although that will be very difficult.  Does one get SEVERE depression and constant crying spells from withdrawing from narcotics?  Also, I can hardly eat a thing now for 4 days.. I could just vomit thinking about it.  Thank you for your kind reply!

[Rocket Girl]

Thanks for checking up on me jenny.  I need watching after.  I was tapering fairly well, then went away for 4 days to the country to see friends and realized I could not be moping and crying the whole time so I started taking 5 /7.5 vics twice a day while there, just to feel normal.  So now I'm back home and withdrawing all day long, only to go home, take a walk, shower, get in my pj's and gulp down some klonipin, ambien, and one vicuprofen.  This gets me to sleep, but I wake often throughout the night with feelings of hopeless dread.  When morning comes around I would like to roll up into a ball and sleep forever.  But I drag myself out of bed and force myself to go to work another day.  Also, no one has mentioned the inability to eat that I'm experiencing.  I am so hungry, but cannot stand the thought of putting food into my mouth until I get home in the evening, take my meds and calm down.  Are others experiencing this kind of anxiety and inability to eat?  

Diane, I feel for where you are.  It's where I was (and still pretty much am) when I started writing here.  I was so unhappy feeling like the drugs have me in a stranglehold.  Feeling helpless and hating myself for my dependence.  Just do what these wise people suggest and remember that mostly drug addiction happens to the most sensitive and sadly, the most depressed people in the population.  It is a disease like any other and nothing to be ashamed of.  Love Rocket Girl

P.S.  Witchy woman, I still haven't gotten the mineral supplement you suggested, and now I've also read about taking the 4 gms. of L Tyrosine, 200mg B6 and a zinc and magnesium supplement.  What do you suggest?  I trust you.

[jennyfla]

Rocketgirl:  How are you doing sweetie?  Just thinking about you and wondering how your tappering is coming along.  You have the right idea, you have a disease, and you definately have to look at it as such.  Keep being strong, and you will feel so much better once you get past the rough part, and know that it's only temporary.  Stay with us, and let us know how you are doing.
Diane:  You have found a wonderful place.  Like Cindi says, keep coming back, this is the only place some of us have found where there is true understanding and love with going through what you are going through.  Your pain must be very difficult, but i can understand your wanting to cut back, it does take away a part of yourself that feels so lost and far away at times.  It's easy to have it all get away from you when you are feeling such horrible pain.  I do the same thing, when i've just taken something, i swear i'm going to stop one day (soon), but once i'm hurting (withdrawals), i can't think of anything else but to get rid of the 'pain'.  I have shoulder pain which really isn't that bad, but what floors me is that i still feel the physical pain right through the medication, i can only wonder how horrible it is to have really intense pain.  My husband has an injured back, and still screams out in pain when he has to move or get up from a laying down position, and this is while he's all doped-up.  Pain is an awful thing.
Stay close by, you will never feel alone again!
Lv Jenny

[cindi]

You are never alone.....all of us here have been throught what you are experiencing or know someone who has...or they want so desperately to get clean...everyone struggles...please keep coming back,,,,you will get alot of good advice...honest opinions, some sugarcoating  (I'm guilty of that sometimes) and some straight to the point old fashioned no nonsense advice..but you will never ever be judged, thrown to the side and ignored,,,all though your posts may be deleted sometimes,,,,no fault of ours...try to keep your posts up higher on the board so that we can see you  sometimes not all of us scroll down to the very end and may miss something...and you more than likely will even get a few good chuckles even during your very bad moments....we are from all different backgrounds, states, and even some countries, beliefs etc. but,,we are all in this together...we all care,,and when I say care, I mean genuinely care for each other  when one hurts we all hurt...as we have all felt that blood curdling, bind blowing, numbing pain of one kind or another, we are here to help you in any way we can.....just know we are here for you     love to all      cin

[diane s]

Oh my god!!  I thought I was the only person in the world addicted to oxy contin and codeine and experiencing HELLISH withdrawel from even just cutting down a little!!  I have fibro, RA, diabetes, HTN, chronic ulcers and depression and Im 40-female.  This drug stuff has ruined my life along w the pain.  Yeah I get relief from the pills-I take 40 mgs oxy twice a day for the past 2 yrs along with ALOT of Tylenol #4 (12-14 a day).  I used 2-3 drs to do this.  Now I hate my life and me and cannot stand everyone thinking Im a total airhead, and being brain dead all the time.  I havent worked since 1992 and cant cause of the chronic pain but have got to cut down if not eliminate all these pills.  I am getting off Flexaril (actually Ive been off for 12 days completely) and that is causing withdrawel and anxiety.  Plus after 12 hrs the oxy dose wears off and since Ive stopped gulping the codeines I now have withdrawel which wakes me like a trip to hell every morning.  I drag myself up and to the sofa and there I take my 40 mgs oxy and 3 T & C's and in 30-45 min I feel ok again.  What a way to live!  AFter about an hr, my heart rate speeds up and I start to sweat.  This is still preferable to the pain though (and withdrawel).  If I try to even delay the oxy oh God do I suffer! Oxy alone does not take care of the pain hence the codeine use; and NO WAY am I going to up the oxy.  The dr's act as if they are doing me a favor as it is. When Im in pain I want the pills......when I take the pills I want to get off.......what a miserable way to live.  ANd knowing that your life revolves around RX's (im on 10) sucks espec since no one I know does this and even my 76 yr old mother in law can go on 6 mile hikes and doesnt even have tylenol or even Rolaids in her house!!!!!!  It makes me want to screammmm.  I am so bitter that this has happened.  And last month I found out I have skin cancer-go figure Ive lived in Rochester, NY most of my life-must have been that 5 minutes of sun we got in 1976!!! Its just basel cell but still its like what next??? Honestly I hate to carry on but I know some very mean and unethical people who are ruthless and cut throat and yet they prosper-WHY?????? I have always been Christian and care for others to a fault.  Im so glad I found this and thanks for letting me vent,  I have felt like a freak and its nice to know Im not alone. Diane S

[Wizard]

Good Morning to you. I noticed you said that tears are on the threshold of you lids. I remember only too well that very same thing. During the first couple of weeks of detoxing I found myself crying at the drop of a pin. I mean a dog food commercial would set me off. Even watching the Lion King got me blubbering. I couldn't tell you why except that maybe ones emotions are trying to get back in check and are confused? All I know is that it is NORMAL for sure as I have heard it repeated over and over by recovering users. You WILL get through this with flying colors for sure. Keep reaching for that Light of Freedom and all will be well. Now that I am clean the dog food commercials don't make me cry anymore. LOL I still lose it with the Lion King though...........What's that all about?????? ROFLMAO.
Bless You my new friend and keep on the path!
Power & Magick 2 U,
Wizard

[Rocket Girl]

Thanks you guys for your positive feedback.  It's Monday morning and I feel like a truck ran over my stomach, tears wait on the threshold of my eyelids, but then I try to think of all the people who love me and now my new found friends and maybe, just maybe, I can make it through the day.  

ww:  thanks for the nutritional advice.  I already take a multi-vitamin and mineral supplement.  Do you think that has adequate amounts of those minerals that you mentioned or should I get a separate multi mineral supp.  Do they make those?  Thanks again just for being there.

jenny:  thank you for making me not feel like a weakling.  I am also trying to view this thing as the physical ailment that it is and to stop beating myself up about it.  If I had cancer or some other dread disease and I had to take a little time off from the stress of a job, etc., I would not be feeling guilty.  Love Rocket Girl

[jennyfla]

Oh sweetie, tappering is NOT a whimpy way out!  You do it however you need to, point is, you are DOING it!!!
I'm still in a world of addiction, so i admire your strength.
Maybe a different antidepressant would help you better.  There are many different kinds, and sometimes it takes trying a few out before you find the right one for you.
Stay with us, we need you, and you won't regret it!!!
Lv Jenny

[Witchywoman]

Welcome to the forum my new found friend! My story is a lot like yours...though I do still have my back pain, I did manage to get clean and it is almost two months of being clean at this point.

I'm wondering if you've read enough of this forum to get the nutritional advice.  Look through the threads for Thomas's recipe, or email me at ***@**** and I'll send it to you.  See, the medication really drains your body of nutrients and neurotransmitters that affect mood. This, along with the shame and spiritual emptiness that comes with addiction, creates such a deep depression that the cycle is very hard to break.

If you are already on prozac, don't take the supplement 5 HTP, since it also increases serotonin, and too much is a bad thing. But do consider taking modest amounts of zinc, magnesium, calcium and manganese..Just take it in multimineral tablet form. This helped me a lot.

But, what helped most was the spiritual and emotional nourishment I've found by finding this forum family, where I could get the love I no longer felt worthy of. I have found more love here, among us addicts, than almost anywhere else I've searched. And that love is now here for you as well.  

By the way, to post up higher where more people will see your words and post back to you, just answer a post on one of the threads nearer to the begining.

lots of love,

WW

[Rocket Girl]

Thank you so much for your much needed support.  By the way, Jenny, I am on anti depressants (prozac right now), but it doesn't seem to be helping.  And I have been trying to taper off, at least during the week with an eye toward total recovery.  I know this probably seems like a wimpy way to go to all of you who have successfully beat this thing, but it is all I can muster right now.  And the lessening of the dosage during with week is making me start to feel a little more human, less dead inside.  Please write when you can, I need all your love and support.  Thanks again.  P.S.  How does one post closer to the top?

[jennyfla]

You have found a very special place here.  Please continue to post for support, you will be comforted here with so many who feel your EXACT pain!!!!
You sound like me in so many ways, although I don't have the physical pain, I so deeply relate to your words.
You need to find out if you do indeed suffer from depression, and are self-medicating yourself with the pills.
Sounds like you are, and need some help with a good dr (far and few, but they are out there).
You have fallen into a trap of the pills taking over the part of your brain with gives me natural chemical happiness.
The pills have taken over, and it's hard to 'feel' as you should without them unless you quit (easier said then done, but possible).  You may need the help of a good antidepressant to lend a hand their the hard times, adjustment of no more pill induced happiness.  Please keep coming back and read through this forum.  These people are a godsend, and they will be here whenever you need to talk!  Their words are from the heart and soul, and you will never feel 'alone' again as long as you trust and stick closeby!!!!
Addiction is a horrible disease, but a drug-free life is a wonderful thing, but you need to stop beating yourself up.
You are a wonderful person.  It's the best of people that get caught up in addiction.  We are the ones who feel so deeply about life and take things to heart, making us easy prey for addiction.  But know in your heart that addiction is a disease just like cancer or heart disease.  You are NOT a BAD person!!!!  You need to love yourself and know that you are WORTH the battle to getting yourself happy and healthy again!
Stay closeby, you won't regret it!!!!!
Good luck sweetie!
Lv Jenny

[Wizard]

Dear lady, Shotsy is right.....do not despair and do post higher up on the forum so you will get more response. Listen to me here right now. First off you are just the same as us with a very familiar story. You are NOT human garbage, nor a weakling. You are very strong as you have made the FIRST step to recovery. You have come forward and have been truthful to yourself and to us. You will not find a better source of support or compassion as you will find here. We ALL have had to make that first leap from being behind the scenes to posting. There are many success stories here me being one of them. I am an addict who has been clean for over six months after decades of use. I started with a back problem just like many here. Pain and injury are nothing to be ashamed of friend. The first thing you have to do is to start LOVING yourself as we love you, and we DO love you no matter what and there is nothing you can do about it as Skipper says! Welcome to the forum and the road to recovery. Remember you are not alone and to take each day as it comes. We will help you when you stumble and carry you if you fall.Do not be afraid. You might be suprised with the support you husband might give if you tell him the truth. Isn't that what being married is all about?
I carried the secret for years before telling my wife and she gave me nothing but love and support. The worst part of it was the dread of the unknown that never came! I shall keep you in my prayers my new friend. Reach for the Light of freedom!
Power & Magick 2 U,
Wizard

[SHOTSY]

Hey, hon. Don't despair. Your going to be okay. Just keep telling yourself. I'd like you to post closer to the top, just in case nobody sees this down here. There are alot of people with the experience to help you out better than I. Just know that I care. Just go up top and post okay. See ya up there . Bye, Shotsy

[Rocket Girl]

I'm a first timer on this page, but listening to all of you has made me feel less alone, less of a failure, less of a bad person.  I too had been prescribed vicoprofen for extreme back pain, probably 3-4 years ago, then one day I discovered it did more than just alleviate the physical pain I was feeling it also performed the function of self medication for my depression. The pain, by the way, has been gone for many years, although I do still have verifiable back deterioration with cat scans, etc. to prove it, so it is not difficult for me to go to a doctor and obtain what I want.  Unfortunately, this ease of obtaining the drug is stronger than I seem to be.  I no longer feel happy about anything in my life, except when I am under the influence.  On a normal day I wake up with a deep dread in the pit of my stomach.  I only feel optimistic when I know I will be taking something.  I've tried tapering off and it has helped with the panic attacks a bit, but I still feel in the grips of something so much stronger than myself.  The worst part is that my depression increases every day and my family, who all love me very much, doesn't know what to do to help me and I, of course, feel I can't tell them the truth without feeling like the piece of human garbage, weakling that I have become.  I have gone from taking a few on weekends to 10-15 a day to trying to quit by sedating myself at night with clonipin, ambien, benadryl and a dose of vico in the middle of the night to get me through.  Still I wake up with an empty pit in my stomach where my hope used to be experienced.  I drag myself through the day, crying at the drop of a hat (not unusual for me even normally, but definately much worse than previously).  Well I know I ramble but that is because this has been my ugly little secret for close to 5 years now.  The bottom line is I feel like a weakling and a failure, a disappointment to my husband and our dreams of building our house in the country (as we have been saving for 3 years and are getting close, but now I am so miserable, and he thinks it's my job, which isn't helping for sure, so I am going to quit as we agreed 6 months ago and so there goes the extra saving money, etc.)  Please forgive me for going on, but if someone could just post a few kind words I think it would really help since I have not had any dialogue with anyone about this problem ever!!!!!!

[Rocket Girl]

I am just trying to see if I can post a comment, because I spilled my guts earlier today only to have it rejected because the thread was broken or some such thing.

[Milo]

I know it will pass -- but I definitely need to be reminded! The weekend R&R sounds like a great idea. I have some work to do over the weekend, but not too much, so I'm going to watch some good movies and otherwise "treat" myself to some special things (don't know exactly what yet, but I'll think of them! Thanks for thinking of me.
Kip, that story (in earlier thread) about ol' "meaty boy" finding himself in the bathroom at the wrong time was classic! Poor thing didn't know what he was getting himself in for! Hope you're feeling better. -- Li'l Milo

[skipper]

Milo:
Hang in there buddy....i'ld talk at ya' more but i'm heade for the
bathroom....

[Shea]

I think you know there will be Good days and there will be Bad days. This is obviously a little run of bad ones. And feeling ill doesn't help. One thing I will suggest for nausea is Zofran. It is used for Chemo patients but it doesn't make you tired or anything. It is very expensive so insurance is a life saver. I think you have to ask the doctor for it as they won't suggest it. i took it while detoxong and i swear it saved my sanity. I was SO SO sick nausea/vomiting.

Maybe with the weekend coming up you can think of some R&R with a good movie you can escape into and take the focus away from how yur feeling. Most of all remember these bad days do pass. i know from reading the posts here there are MANY people that care about you and many that rely on your compassionate words of comfort. How good that should make you feel to know how yu touch the lives of people.

I hate cliches but here goes.."this too will pass" this is one I tell myself all the time when I have those bad days. And trust me I have more than my share of them. Hope you are feeling better soon both physically and mentally.

May you find peace

Shea

[Milo]

After finishing up a Fioricet script (which I didn't even request, but of course gladly accepted -- but that's another story) I made it through unpleasant but not too terrible withdrawals, but this past week depression has weighed heavily on me as so many of you have said. Last week I felt optimistic, like maybe there was hope for happiness after all. This week...OK, I'll (finally) get out of bed and go to my job, which I used to love but now hate...make it through the day...come home just to feel more depressed and hope I can scrounge up something to send me off into la-la land or at least take the edge off. Had a "bug" w/diarrhea & awful nausea, & the Dr. didn't want to prescribe anything for nausea due to "side effects." Makes me feel like I'm out there all alone, on my own, esp, since just the thought of throwing up completely freaks me out (phobic reaction). Any words of wisdom, support, or comfort? -- Little Milo

[cindi]

go to Cancun and have a wonderful time   we will all still be here when you get back....you will love it  i just dread flying myself,,take care of your self and your family   marty na dht ekids will have a hoot... fly....be free.......my prayers are with you all    lvoe ya  cin

[J.B. to Brian and Vicky]

You are such a busy bee!  Marty is like that, too.  Like the Energizer Bunny.  I'm pretty much opposite of that in that I tend to set my mind on something, plan it all out in my head, consider all the snags I might encounter and then go into action.

My mind is set on going to Cancun, Mexico tomorrow and I still might back out and stay here on the farm.  Marty, our other daughter and two boys sure are excited about going though.  They want to swim with the dolphins and see the whales.  My main dread is the airport(s) with all the waiting in line and high security stuff.  We leave here at 2:30 am one way or another!

I just hope that you and this forum will still be here when we return. I'll be thinking about you!  J.B.

[cindi]

You truly are a guiding light,,,you have experienced alot more in life than i have and you are not many years older than me...did you say you were in Vietnam?  anyway,,,to have the outlook that you do is a blessing,,,,I don't just want to muddle through...I want to do like you do and accept life...life on life's terms has always been a hard one for me but it is time now i guess,,Huh?  we have things in common between us but when it comes right down to it we should count our blessings and i have 2 little ones right here bugging me for cereal..LOL  late for work again......thank you my friend   love cin  PS  Of course my prayers are with you and Marty....how is she by the way?

[J.B. to Brian and Vicky]

How do I go on?  Good question, Cindi!  I guess I'm just one of the lucky ones.  I'm kidding of course.  Maybe it's all of the little things that have shaped my life from day one.  Maybe I've learned to not take myself or the world in general too seriously.  We are but a pitance in the scheme of things.  Take your hand out of a bucket of water and see if your hand is missed.  It all closes in again when we are gone.  Set goals and work until they are met, then set more.  What else can I say?  Teach yourself to be thankful for the hand you were dealt.  Sometimes we get lucky and other times we don't.  Above all, **** happens and we have to deal with it or leave the table.  Just keep playing!  J.B.

[cindi]

I knew about the water retention and joint pain  the joint pain is in my fingers and ankles...and the swelling is pretty bad also...JB,,,God bless you,,I have learned so much from you,,,how do you go on?  You just do i guess......love you all   cin

[J.B. to Brian and Vicky]

I just wanted to thank everyone for thier concern about my daughter.  It's been over two years that she passed.  She is far from gone in our lives and never forgotten!  She gave us a wonderful Grand daughter to nurture and love.  Life goes on.  There is always a reason to be happy!  J.B.