How and why did I get here? And where do I go from here?

[perfectliar]

I've always heard that admitting that you have a problem is the first step and I'm finally beginning to think it's true. So, I guess this means that I have to admit my problem. I'm addicted to pain killers. I guess now I'm just trying to figure out how I got to this point. I suppose it started like most other addiction problems. I was given hydrocodone for litigate medical issues, mainly surgery or surgeries in my case. I used the pills as needed and since the medical problems kept returning, I kept getting pills. I really first noticed that I was addicted about two years ago, but I justified my addiction because I had pain and because I was prescribed the pills. I had a moment about a month ago where I decided I was stronger than a pill and I stopped taking them. Well, really I ran out and I decided not to go back to the doctor. I was clean for three weeks! It wasn't even hard to stop. I did not experience withdraws like many others even though I was taking at least 5 or more 7.5 pills a day. Some days I would take more, some days I would take less, but I always had pills. I was clean and thought that I was fine, but then I took a pill for no real reason and here I am now. I decided to tell my husband about it, which was a huge step for me. I knew that if I told him, I would be accountable to someone. Plus, it felt good to admit that I had a problem and that I was living a lie. My husband's reaction was understandable. He got mad. But what he said really made me think. He said that I was good at hiding it, because he had no clue and that I had no reason to become addicted because I have the prefect life. He's right. I have the prefect life and I have no reason to take a pill, yet I took pills for about three years.

Why did I take the pills? Why did it take me three years to realize that I had a problem? I have all of these unanswered questions that I don't understand! How did I let a pill control me? I suppose I used the pills as an outlet, as a stress reducer. I also enjoyed the energy and focus it brought me. It got to the point where I could only handle a big task if I had pills. I saw the signs that I was addicted, but I just couldn't admit that I had a problem. Plus, I was afraid I was lose everything like my family and career. It was really hard to admit that I wasn't the perfect person that I'm supposed to be. I feel like I can't make a mistake. I've created this bubble that I have to live in. People expect perfection from me because that's what I delivered. And now I'm afraid that I can't maintain this perfection without the pills.

Today will be my first day clean since my relapse. I had a horrible day at work and normally I would have popped some pills to get me through it. But I don't want pills to control me. I don't want to rely on a pill anymore. I want to be able to deal with things in a normal way. I want real happiness, not the fake happiness that pills brought me. So where do I go from here? How do I move on now that I've admitted I have a problem?

This site has been extremely helpful. Reading the posts has made me realize that I have a problem and that I need to fix it. I want to think that I'm stronger than I really am, but I've already relapsed once... When do you know that you're good and free from addiction? When will the mental addiction end????

Thank you for letting me ramble on. Maybe someone can provide some insight and help me see the light at the end of the tunnel.

[perfectliar]

Thanks! I'm feeling OK. it's mainly the mental aspect of it all because I used pills to deal with everything from anger, happiness, energy, boredom, relaxation, etc... I've been really focused on exercising and weight loss because the pills made me gain weight since I had no will power over food while I was on them. This has been a huge part of my recovery because it gives me goals and I can see results. I guess at the end of the day I would rather be skinny than "high" Lol. Today is my son's 5th birthday so, I'm cheating on the diet with some pizza and cake :)

[PurrfectlyKrazy]

WTG on your week!  It will slowly but surely get easier one day at a time.  Don't forget ... we've got a date to celebrate soon :-)

[Missy1231984]

That is awesome!  You are doing great:) How are you feeling?

[perfectliar]

One week clean! Yay :)

[perfectliar]

I can safely say that I'm 3 days clean! The weekend scares me a little bit, but I'm confident that I will remain strong. For me the turning point was a realization that I don't want my son to be ashamed of me. I should have gotten off the pain meds awhile ago, but better late than never. I've been reading the forums and following all of the great advise. Plus it really, really helps to know that someone can relate. Thanks everyone!

[keith600]

The answer to the 1st part of your question starts with the 2nd part. Recovery is where you start and likely you"ll find out how you got there.

[perfectliar]

Today wasn't too bad. The hardest part for me is that I used the pills as my relaxer after work. Which is weird because I would also use them for energy. I guess I used the pills for everything. Now I don't even know how to be normal. Tomorrow is going to be difficult because I would normally rush to have my pills and then continue to use them all weekend. Luckily I'm not feeling anything physically, but the mental aspect may be tougher. I'm hopeful that one day I will be able to function without thinking about a stupid pill.

[Heather8448]

I agree with what was said above want to say its been over a year since i took pain killers and it was hard and worth it and you can do this! I went to NA a 12 step program stay honest and willing and know you can do this

[perfectliar]

Thank you everyone for the support and input! I'll post more after work. It's good to know I'm not alone!

[Jinx_777]

some of your questions are very easy to answer.
how did you become addicted??
you started with legit reasons.  you had pain and took opiates for that pain.
ANYONE who uses opiates for a long time will become dependent.  the brain no longer makes the 'feel good' chemicals it once did because the opiates do it.
as time goes on your tolerance to the meds grows.  you need more and more of it to get that 'energy or high'.  
you try to go without it and feel the energy crash, lack of pleasure, etc because your brain isn't making those 'feel good' chemicals on it's own yet.
it takes time for it to start doing that on it's own.  so we keep taking the pills to avoid feeling that way.  
it would happen to anyone if they took opiates for a long time.

good for you for admitting it and deciding you have had enough.  
just give your brain the time it needs to heal and function on it's own.  

[ab228]

Congratulations for the break through.
I am not a user myself, but my boyfriend is a recovering heroin addict. All I can say is keep your husband close and let him be there for you. From what I experienced, there's a lot of shame inside, but please know that the people who love you only want to see you succeed and want to be there for you when you fall down- let them.
God Bless

[Sonrissa]

Hi Perfect, welcome to the forum!  It's true that the first step is admitting you have a problem.  Be proud that you have admitted it to yourself and your husband. Your story is very similar to mine and many others here. It's starts innocently enough, and seemingly before you know it, here you are.  Finding out about the reasons you became addicted is part of recovery.  Recovery includes quitting pills, cutting all your sources for pills, (doctors, pharmacies, etc), and aftercare and support.  Going to meetings, counseling, therapy, church groups, etc will help you work through those issues and help keep you clean.   You said you are on day 1 now. How are you feeling?  Keep posting with any questions or if you want some support. This is a great place with lots of caring people who will be happy to help.

Take care, and I wish you the best! You can do this!