Woke up today and remembered how much God loves me. He is probably all that is between me and becoming an addict. Life knocks you down and you have to get up and fight it. I want a vacation from anxiety and pain and making decisions. I almost died in 2005, and I was only 43 years old -- and, i never smoked, got drunk, did anything bad to my body in my lifetime. What did I ever do to deserve that I wonder. And, now the tumor issue, and lots of interpersonal stuff over the past two years. I want a vacation from all of this -- I think that's how you become an addict -- at some point in your life being high must be better than dealing with whatever is going on. I told my husband I wanted to go to Jamaica to one of the all inclusive resorts, so I could drink rum all day and forget about my stress for a while. He said, 'honey they don't start serving rum until noon. Do you want me to go buy you some Jamaican rum and make you a banana daquiri?' I don't think my 1 mg of xanax is doing the trick. Anxiety is at all time high. I have four dr. appointments this month and one is for new MRI of the tumor in my leg -- and thinking about all that is making me twitch. I keep thinking of the Calgon commercial -- Calgon take me away. I already had a bath and it didn't relax me a bit.
I sort of understand but hey I guess sometimes we are dealt things that are just dealt us. I was born dead and the dr walked away and said "oh it's dead" and this is no Bs I was born in Scotland and my Mum was unconscious cause her blood pressure was low (1960's Dad's weren't in the room) and the doctor was giving her oxygen but tank was tempty and she passed out. She came round to Dr walking away and saying "oh it's dead' the nurse revived me and her bro was the last man (Manual) in Scotland to be hanged for mass murder. Life is funny but heck we can't call it. However like Manual's sister we can control our own destiny to a certain extent. You be brave and be strong cause you are the one person that can rely on you.
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