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How can I deal with this?
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How can I deal with this?

My husband recently (four days ago) admitted to me that he was a heroin "user".  He claims he is not addicted.  He has been using heroin for years now.  He showed me a "medical file" in which almost a year ago, 4/9/09 he went to a local treatment facility as an outpatient.  He was given a "3 day supply of suboxone" and he had to keep appointments, which he never did.  My 16 year old daugher is the one who kept persistently telling me he was on heroin.  A few years ago, when my 19 year old was still living with us, he apparently admitted to her he was using heroin.  All these years, and even his outpatient clinic stint, and he never admitted anything to me.
Even the day before when I had been reading your posts, I had him leave work early to come home before my 16 year old got home so I could talk with him.  He blatantly denied using.  He even lied to me and said he never carries it with him.  The next morning my 16 year old asked me to look through the garbage.  She said he was acting suspicious and he went to the garbage and threw something away.  I went to the garbage and founf six bags of wax paper bags labeled "king Kong" and his straw.  That is when he finally admitted he was using.  The very next day, he denied everything again, including this morning.  
He often has pinpoint pupils and gets very tired and nods out at inappropriate times,  He has incredibly bad constipation and takes all of his medical advice from his junkie friends. Never from me.  I am a nurse for over twenty years.  I never worked in community health, or drug rehab facilities, and I was so unaware of all the signs and symptoms until recently.
Last year in late July I was diagnosed with cancer.  I am not allowed to work as a nurse, and I have been without any income for over six months.  My husband works for himself.  He chooses his own hours, and rarely gives me money to live on. I have no where to go.  I cannot leave as I cannot afford to do anything until I get cleared from my oncologist.  Even then, I am unsure as to whether I can ohld a job or not.  
Please can you help me deal with this?  I have tried to tolerate this, but I am going through so much myself, I get so overwhelmed.
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Avatar_f_tn
Hi MaryJane,

I am so sorry you have to go through this. Can you get to an ala-non meeting. There will be poeple in your situation there that can walk you through the steps you need to take to better your situation.

I am sorry i dont have any words to lend you. Hang in there and hopefully one day soon, he'll want to get the help it sounds like he needs.

take care, Kathy
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thank you so much for your kind words.  I can't even think right now.  
I am definately going to find an alanon meeting for myself.  I just don't know if it can help me.
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Avatar_m_tn
well it sounds like ur going thru soooo much rite now not only wth ur husbandbut wth ur health so u need to thnk about ur health an do what u need to do to keep urself healthy so good luck and keep postuing here cuz its good therapy to tak an get it off ur chest so good luck an i hope all is well an u can get to a beter place
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thank you.  I will keep up with this post, I need to be able to get it off my chest.  I can't even think of how to explain my anxiety to my oncologist or my therapist.  It is almost too much to bear. I am grateful for your kindness and thoughfulness.
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Avatar_f_tn
MaryJane, Can you explain that your husband has an issue that is personal that is causing you anxiety? I have heard that alanon is quite helpful, which is why i suggested it. They help you live with an addict without feeding into their addiction and addictive behavior. I hope you can find some peace soon. Be good to yourself. Kathy
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Sorry to hear about all if that. I know when I was doing ( sounds good to say WAS right now) pain killers I was a mess. Trying to hide stuff, not being honest with people, a lot of the stuff you are saying. The good thing Is once I stopped I started getting back to my old self. It can happen.
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Thank you for your post.  You are so optimistic, I almost want to believe he can get off this heroin, but I am really not sure it can happen.  
You see, his younger brother has been hooked on cocaine, crack, methanphetamines, and heroin for possibly over twenty years.  (When I first met my brother-in-law, his drug of choice at the time was cocaine).  He has since moved on to other drugs.  My brother-in-law was out of the state for quite a few years, our marriage was pretty blissful and productive.  About three or more years ago, he moved back to Pittsburgh and the whole mess began for my family.  Bradley, (my brother-in-law) kept getting arrested for traffic violations, (including a hit-and-run accident), (BTW all was kept secret from me, I had to find out by searching the Pa Unified Juducial System website where all arrests and moving violations and complaints etc. are all public information).  Bradley couldn't pay for all of his fines, and moved away again.  But in his wake, left my husband with his junkie friends who my husband, Mike insists are "good workers" for him, and he cannot do his home repairs without them.  My husband has no intention of dropping his toxic friendships for the sake of our marriage.  He told me that.  
I spoke with a nurse practitioner friend just last night who for many years worked in a drug rehab facility, and she told me basically that Mike will get clean only when HE WANTS TO.  If Mike doesn't want to get clean, there is not a lot I can do to convince him.
He came home "from work" last night with completely pinpoint pupils again.  He has his disgusting bowel problems.  ( I say it is disgusting because I know he only has his constipation due to the heroin use )  
I am tired of threatening to call the police on him.  I am tired of yelling about it.  I am tired of crying about it,  I am tired of pleading with him.  I am tired of offering to attend any meeting he needs with him.  He just shuts me down on all of those things.
I have to simply stop trying to speak with him at this point.  
My heart is compromised from the tumor that is growing on top of it.  I get signs and symptoms of a mild heart attack, rapid pulse, shoulder and arm pain, nausea.  Being a nurse, I can identify those symptoms, and I have to stop getting upset and relax my body until it all goes away.  Usually it doesn't go away until after I have slept all night.
I am physically compromised, I am unable to work.  So, I am unable to leave him.
I have to live in this house with him.  
If I could have some glimmer of hope from him that he really wants to stop for the rest of his life, I could use that positive energy and we could make it.  He doesn't want to stop.  He doesn't care if it means he will lose me.
I have to stop trying to convince him because I just get upset, and my heart gets all messed up (in so many ways) over it.
My existence right now is pretty dismal.  I keep up a good front for my 16 year old. I cannot show her how futile the situation is.  I don't want to add to her concerns for her dad.
I pray daily multiple times.
I pray for some kind of change, I don't know what kind of change, but I need it right now. Please help and pray for my small, devastated family.
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Avatar_f_tn
Wow!   Do you have family/friends near to you?  This is too great a load...YOU need support and advice from those near to you.  This situation is toxic on sooo many levels.  Nobody tells you the truth until far after the fact!!   Have you contacted any social service agencies?  Do you get any disability money to support yourself?

I think you need to save yourself here...try to be quietly proactive to help yourself deal or get out of this situation.  It does sound futile. Your NP friend would be a good resource to get help for YOU...

Good luck and keep posting...we can offer support here but we're not there...Do you belong to a church?  Maybe speak with the Pastor?


Vicki
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Avatar_f_tn
since you already know you can't make him change, it's time to start making your life better. you can decide to stay and live with things as they are or if you have decided you can't live with things as they are, you need to be the one to make the change.
both of these choices will be difficult but choosing one will give you the strength to know you have some power in your situation. for me, knowing i have chosen to deal with something difficult rather than having it 'happen' to me, gives me a sense of peace. why don't you go to social services and find out what monies and support you maybe entitled to if you leave him for your peace of mind and for the time being? i am sure there maybe some financial compensation due to you if you are recovering from cancer and can not work. social security takes forever and requires persistence but i think you are eligible for state funds in the interim.
al-anon could be a good resource for you.
living in your own space maybe a quiet time where you can work on healing.
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I do agree this is a big load for me to bear.  I applied for social security benefits over six months ago.  In late February I was informed that I was denied benefits.  I have chosen to have a lawyer represent me for the appeal, but I just mailed his papers to him last Friday and haven't heard anything from him yet.
I went to the department of Welfare for some assistance, and because I am married to Mike, I was informed that the state of Pennsylvania considers my husband to be the responsible party in my case for financial help.  They would only give me temporary cash assistance if Mike agrees to take "work classes".  I know he would not do that because he works for himself. I was informed that with my husband's income I cannot even get food stamp assistance.
I asked my social worker if she had any information to help me with my situation, and other than the Leukemia and Lymphoma society which gives you one check for $150.00 to spend any way you want, but only one time a year.  I am unable to live on 150.00 once a year.  She told me she had no other resources for me.
I must live in the situation I am in until I can get the social security disability benefits.
Mike knows that, and doesn't do anything to help me.  He doesn't even give me any type of allowance.  I am sure it is because he needs all his spare money to buy his heroin regularly.
He has no interest in my cancer treatments. He never went to one of my chemo sessions.  He never even met with my oncologist. He doesn't care.
My 16 year old told me that when I was first admitted to the hospital, she was right there when he informed one of his junkie friends that I am in the hospital, and now "they can PARTY!"  As you can guess, he has no regard for my life or my death.
I have called a therapist with the Hillman cancer center yesterday to try to get an appointment with her, and she called me back, but never gave me an appointment.  She said she would call me again.  I haven't heard from her yet.
I do belong to a Catholic church, and I thought about visiting my priest today actually, but my oldest daughter called me for a ride to her doctor's appointment, and my youngest daughter apparently had a meltdown in school today and I had to drop everything and pick her up early.  I had gone to my doctor this morning, and was given some prescriptions.  It took over 40 minutes of waiting for the medicine to be filled, and it is late now.  Almost 5pm.  I will try to speak with my priest tomorrow if I can get a minute to myself.  
I will write to my nurse practitioner friend today.  I had already asked her what could I do? She informed me to take care of myself, of course, and she told me my harsh truth that if my husband doesn't want help, he will not seek it out.  I already knew that. It seems he must have incredible resentment towards me.  I feel like he just hates me.  He has not been himself for years, and now I understand why, but it had to come at such a hard time in my life.  That is what is so frustrating for me.  Why couldn't he just tell me this last year or two years ago when I thought I was well?  I would have had no problems leaving him and moving on becuase I had an income. I can't understand what is his reasoning for never telling me he prefers heroin to a marriage.  I feel I could have handled it better when I was working still.  Now it all seems so dismal for me.
Vicki, you have been very kind to me.  I appreciate all your thoughts and prayers. I just have no choice but to stick it out a bit more until I can find out if I will receive social security benefits.
Thank you again.
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Thank you also for your kindness.  I do agree I can either live with it, or get out of this mess.  I really want to just leave, and I can't financially.  I posted to Vicki595 about the state assistance, and I cannot get any unless I am divorced.  
I would love to live in my own quiet space in order to heal.
Next Monday I have a PET scan, (which I will go to alone, again), and three days after that I will see my oncologist.  I will ask for a few minutes of his time privately to see if he can help me win social security benefits even if for only a few months.  It would help me to be able to leave and heal.
I really have tried everything.  I will attend some al-anon meetings, I am just so frustrated that I now have to be in an al-anon meeting when I have had no support from him whatsoever in my cancer journey.  I am not knocking al-anon, I just feel like I have so many appointments I have to make and keep for myself with this cancer, and now I have to go there as well when it is possibly just a bandaid on a decapitation for me.  
Thank you so much for your kindness and concern.  I read your posts, and I feel slightly empowered.
I am going to call my lawyer tomorrow to find out about how to begin divorce proceedings.  That hurts a lot.
Please continue to pray for my family.
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Avatar_f_tn
Hey you~~  
It sounds like you have been proactive and,also,that you're a very bright woman. You've touched on all possible resources.  I DO know it's tough to get disability under Soc.Sec. and most claims are denied the very first time. Don't give up and it's smart to ask the oncologist for help;he/she may be a wealth of help.Be honest about your situation at home.  This Dr. is trying to save your life and Mike is causing more despair than you deserve or need. It's not healthy.

In the meantime,you have friends here.  Keep posting when you can. And do try to see the priest for some conversation and/or help.

Vicki  xo
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I thank God for your help Vicki.  Your words do so much to help me.  Even right now while I am alone.  Who knows when he will get home.  It doesn't matter, there is no respect or love for me from him anyways.  I do appreciate your kindness.  Thank you again.
MJ
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Avatar_f_tn
MJ-   You're so welcome.  I've been thinking about you since my last post...
Aside from your homelife,you have an illness that needs your full attention!  The stress and worry will get you down,interfere with you immune system etc...Please,focus on yourself right now.  He's not changing anytime soon...MJ...I've been there with cancer. It's tough. I was fortunate to have support but became so sad that I was the one who turned to/abused my meds which turned into a long addiction.I was a lovely addict but still an addict. I'm clean now and thinking I'm so happy you haven't ended up on that road too!!

So,you're calling a lawyer tomorrow. I hope it's just for advice for right now.  You're not on your feet yet and divorce is a battle.  You need all your strength to get well and you will...  Enjoy your quiet time tonight.  Do for yourself...love yourself.

Vicki   xo
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Avatar_f_tn
just wanted to let you know you can get financial help from the state if you are living separately and are applying for disability. i have been there. i was in an abusive relationship for years.  i kept thinking if he loved me enough he should choose the marriage over his mental health and behavior problems and seek help. i stayed in that mind set for so long that it will take very long to heal and recover. i am not trying to shift the focus here, i just wanted to let you know i can not know what you are going through but i can hopefully share some resources that may be available. also, i have a disability and was denied social security the first time.
if you decide to apply, keep it simple. only list resources in your name and minimize any complexities. they are bureaucrats after all. also, there are emergency moving allowances available from some states.
i was able to get temporary financial assistance, food stamps and medical. the temporary allowance lasted as long as i was seeking social security disability.
concerning al-anon, i agree with your assessment. also, it can be a further drain to immerse yourself in other's troubles. i was thinking more pragmatically. perhaps there is someone involved who needs a room mate or has a reasonable living situation to offer. perhaps it is not worth your energy if you can find find what you need elsewhere. it may also be helpful to contact the women's center. they are a great resource.
hope this is helpful. my heart is with you.
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Thank you again for your post.  
It is real intuitive that you wrote you are glad I did not end up on the "road" myself.  The day Mike admitted he was using heroin, he actually said to me, "I am going to get you hooked too".  I told him he must have me confused with one of his junkie friends.  But he did mention more than once since then that I might like the high.  What an idiot.  He doesn't even know me anymore.
Last night when he came home, he was very cocky, he showed me his suboxen that he bought off the street.  He even showed me how he plans to break them in halfs and quarters in order to prolong his "substitute" medicine for heroin.  The thing that really concerns me is he also told me last night that he has taken suboxen several times since his rehab outpatient stint in 4/09.  He told me he has relapsed at least three or four times,  (Which most likely means he relapsed at least twice as often as he told me).  
I don't think this will be permanent.  I believe he needs help like counseling and narcanon meetings in order to keep clean.  Hell, he isn't even clean yet, he is just substituting one med for another right now.
I hear you loud and clear about what to ask my lawyer.  I think you want me to try to see if he can stay clean, or even get clean.  If I am wrong, I know you will let me know.  
I just have little faith in him wanting to be free of drugs.  He told me he has been doing it and other drugs off and on for twenty years.
I apparently was too busy with work and my kids too even see it all.
Since I have been forced to not work, I have seen so much.  
We can't see eye to eye.  My choices in life have been very different than his for years.  
I am not the right one for him.
MJ
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Thanks again for your kindness.  
I can't live separately from him as I have no place to go.  
I own a house that is rented by a tenant, and his lease is not up for renewal until October.  I don't even know how to try to get him out sooner, legally.
I cannot live with my father, as he has his granddaughter, (who by the way is also hooked on drugs of all kinds, and she has all her drama that comes with it.  I would have to bring my daughter with me, and I would just be jumping from the frying pan into the fire).
I cannot live with my sister as she has a housefull of her own people, plus I don't think it could be harmonious living in her home.  We have never been too close.  We love each other very much, we just don't speak the same language.  
I cannot live with my very best friend, as she doesn't have a home of her own.  She lives with her sister, and their house is not only crowded, but they have their own problems with dysfunction and addiction with the male head of their house.
I am stuck here.
I do agree if I lived separately from my husband, I would get some benefits.  I don't and can't.  Not right now.
I choose not to live with my oldest daughter as she already has a nice roommate, plus she lives in my husband's apartment building.  I can't add to her troubles right now, and I won't. Her troubles are complicated.  Not with drugs, but with her boyfriend relationship.  I would rather be a source of support for her than a addition to her problems.
I hired a lawyer for the appeal for social security disability.  I haven't heard from him, but he has all of my medical and financial information as he was referred from an agency that helped me get financial assistance when I was in the hospital.  They have been phenomenal in the past, and they didn't steer me wrong with the lawyer they recommended I am sure.
I am unsure about trying to get a roommate from an alanon meeting.  I think that would be inappropriate considering I have an underage daughter to think about.  I would not want to subject her to more drama that could possibly occur with living with a complete stranger who most likely has a pattern of finding the wrong men like me.
I feel so terrible that I have been with my husband for so long.  What my daughters have witnessed over the years from him is truly detrimental, I believe.  I feel so bad because I wonder if they will choose the wrong man over and over simply because of the family dynamic that they were raised in.  Subconsciously I am sure they pick up on all the wrongdoings I have endured, and they see from their mom that they can live with the terrible conditions (emotionally and spiritually) that a bad man can bring on.
I am aware now. That is a start.  I can try to get strength from this website.  I just need more prayers if at all possible.  
Thank you again for all your concern and kindness.  It doesn't go unappreciated with me.
MJ
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Avatar_f_tn
Good morning MJ~

Yes,you're wrong about the atty.  LOL    I wasn't thinking at all about Mike and his being clean(or not).  That's a whole other problem. I do,however, feel badly for him as a person because he's truly a mess and doesn't see it. And to say"I'm gonna get you hooked too"-  OMG girl!!  He's a monster right now.
No,I meant just ask some questions for the future regarding divorce.  I just think it's too much for you right now but certainly something to be kept on the back burner.  :)

You know,there is always the possibility that Mike can be caught doing what he's doing.  Heroin is illegal,of course. Buying Sub. on the street is illegal.  I'm sure the Sub. is only to stave off withdrawals and not being used to get clean.  There is an entire protocal for using Sub. and it does have it's place.   Just a thought...  :)

Hang on MJ...take care of yourself while quietly planning your future.   Keep posting~

Vicki   xo
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Hi Vicki,
It has been a day or so since my last post.  I have chosen to take your advice.  I held off calling my lawyer back. I am trying to stay calm, act as if I am supportive.  It has helped.  I keep mentioning to my husband that I would like for him to go to a narcotics anonymous meeting.  He is resistant. I keep trying anyways. He told me he thinks those meetings are filled with drug addicts who can't quit.  I told him it is exactly the opposite, it is filled with people who take their quitting seriously, which is why they continue to attend the meetings.  He had nothing to say in response.  I hope he continues to think about it.
He keeps saying to me that he doesn't want to lose me.  He says he thinks his using is "no big deal", and I told him it is a very big deal.  He tells me he will quit because it is important to me. I wish I could believe that to be true.
He tells me he feels like a load was lifted simply by telling me the truth.  He tells me he feels so good today, he will not take his suboxen!  I am frightened, I feel like he will easily go back to using his heroin.  I cannot seem to believe him any more.
Your prayers, and everyone elses prayers are really helping me.  Although I can't believe him, I have a tiny glimmer of hope because he tells me he can make an effort to quit because of how I feel.
Please pray we can attend a meeting.  I think it will make the world of difference in his battle against the addiction.

I have a question.  I think he will relaps because of his association with his friends who choose to stay as high as they can.  He tells me he has the willpower to stay off of it for me.
My question is, how sucessful can one be at quitting if they keep associating with drug addicted friends? I can't imagine an addict staying clean if every day he watches another addict and hears their stories of being high, etc.  I am so confused on that one.
Anyone with the same scenario?  
Is there anyone who can tell me what their opinion is on that one?
Is it possible?
Thanks to you all.
Love,
MJ
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Wow.  I felt like I was reading a movie script here.  You're in a horrible situation mj.  I truly feel for you.

Are you at all concerned that your daughter(s) may go to their school counselor or the authorities even?  If so, things may get even more messy - especially if it comes out that you're indeed aware of his drug use.  Unfortunately I have no sound advice for you though.  But you have reached out by utilizing this forum and that's a great start.  

Your last post suggested that he's willing to work on quitting for you --- that he's sure he can avoid using to save his marriage, etc.  But I'll be the first to admit, I get very positive after taking a few painkillers.  Not to poop on what he's said, but I'm just pointing out that he may not have really meant it if he was high.  I hope I'm wrong and he was sincere though.

I'll be watching this thread.  My thoughts are with you.  Remember to take time out for you through all this mess.  That's super important.  <3
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Avatar_f_tn
MJ..
I'm glad you two talked.Whether he was high or not at the time doesn't really matter right now.  What matters is that he was open to you and is thinking about you. So,there's a conscience there.  And,I know,you love him...So,keep at it but not to the point where it's too much of a strain on you.  Meetings are great and if you can get him to go, it's a great step even if HE doesn't see it.  One thing,NA doesn't want anyone there high. They can be using but not high when they attend.
Hanging out with drug abusers/addicts never works out for anyone trying to get clean.
It's a huge trigger and nearly impossible to overcome.  He's an addict in denial BUT I would hang on to that glimmer of hope. It's all you've got right now and it's something.
Just watch him closely...actions speak louder...

Yes...you are all in my prayers    :)

Vicki  xo
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1240909_tn?1313715825
The op deserves some good.  A lot of good actually, after reading about what she's been through lately itt.  I definitely hope he was sincere when he said he'll quit since it's important to her.  But it has to be important to him as well in order to quit successfully.  That 'using is no big deal' comment makes me uneasy.

And yes, I'm much more of a pessimist than an optimist.  So take my words with a grain of salt or heed my warning - I don't care lol.

;-)
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Avatar_f_tn
To Cirene~~  Yes..it does appear that you don't care.  This forum is all about caring and so much more...

V.
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Avatar_m_tn
Hi, this is the first time i have read your post, i wish i had read it earlier but i have had alot of problems and i am unwell at the moment, but before i go any further i must say one thing to someone first

Cirene  Why are you even on this forum you hardhearted SOB. I think you should stay off posts if you dont care Were in this poor unfortunate womans story is there a place for LOL. I felt physically sick when i read that comment and yes maybe you dont care but personally i now dont care much for you either.

I am in bed unwell at the moment but when my husband (stilltrying) read me this post i had to answer this. I have my own page (scotjoanofak) but sometimes have problems with it so decided just to answer in his name. My name is Kim. I am so sorry for the situation you are in, i feel your pain, i really do.  If you read our pages youll know that we have been in your situation. We smoked heroin for 13yrs and only came off it when we discovered this forum. We had a couple of relapses but now i have nearly 300 days clean. My husband had over 200 days but relapsed recently, but now is on the road to recovery. Your husband needs help badly. He must admit to his problem and want to stay clean before he can help himself. If not then he has no chance of doing it. Heroin changes your whole personality and makes you do things that you wouldnt do straight. I also have a serious illness for which there is no cure but even during our serious addiction years my huisband still came with me to all my appointments and all my treatments and sessions. If he is serious about getting clean he MUST stay away from his friends that use drugs or he has no chance. This was the cause of many of our relapses. Im glad you have talked as everything must come out into the open or he will continue to do this behind your back. Shouting and screaming honestly doesnt get you anywere hun, it only gives him an excuse to say i cant deal wth this and walk out ad go and use, any excuse will do to use. He is being very selfish not supporting you through your illness, that is addiction though, it can make you a very selfish uncaring person. It doesnt mean he doesnt love you, but he also loves heroin. Im so sorry about all your troubles i really am. I or my husband will help you in any way we can. You are very welcome to write to us or even send us a pm and we can talk some more, or if you have any questions just ask. You will also find some very nice people here, most are wonderful caring people. You get th odd one, like the one above but dont listen to them, im glad you have spoken to vicki she is a lovely , caring person who will help too. There are other people like her here too. There isnt a lot of people that know loads about heroin but there are some. We met a wonderful woman here, who if not for her,i believe we would not be here today. We have met some special lifelong friends on this site who we are very close to and help us in our journey and you will do the same. It helps so much to be able to get everything off your chest as no one judges you here as we are all in  or have been in the same situation. Im sorry that i couldnt write more but my pc is going to start to defragment very soon or i would write a lot more to try and help. As i said you are very welcome to write to us. That will give you a womans point of view and a mans point of view, which might be helpful, although my husbanfd was very helpful with my illness and still is, but dont take this that he dosnt love you, itis his addiction making hi act this way and he has said he doesnt want to lose you, so there might still be some hope to save your marriage but you can only take so much and must think about your health. We will be praying for you and hope to speak to you soon. Our times are different though, we are in the UK, so its 11.30pm here at the moment but we usually stay up late as my husband is still in early recovery again and doesnt really sleep as its very hard to sleep during w/ds. I wish  you luck and will be sending you as much strength as we can. Im sory i must go now as my pc will start its defrag soon and my hands are also starting to seize up due to my arthritis. Sory if there are afew mistakes but my keys are sticking a bit. We send you much love and prayers. Keep posting it does help. Warm hugs.....Kim
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I noticed it has been a few days since you have been on here to let us know how you are doing. I just want to start off with this: You and your family are in my, and several other members' prayers.

I was thinking about your situation and was wondering whether it was possible to get a judge to sign a document stating that your husband is not fit to make decisions on his own. That way it would give you control of any of his income, and if he is not able to work because of that document, it could help speed up the process of your disability claim for social security. I don't know if it's feasible, but I figure that any suggestions that any of us might be able to make could possibly lead you down the right road.

I look forward to hearing how you are. Keep you head up and make sure to talk to your children about the situation. They are, for the most part, adults, and maybe hearing from you about your husband's "condition" will give them the power to fight temptation to do drugs themselves or to get involved with someone who is.

Another quick thought, have you considered applying for the tv show "Intervention" on A&E? If you haven't seen or heard about it before, I highly recommend it. It could give you some more insight on the way an addict thinks/acts, and the process involved with getting help.

Good luck and God Bless!
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Thank you for your post.  I undersand you are trying to inform me about my husband associating with his junkie friends, and how it iwll most likely be impossible for him to quit while doing so.
As far as my daughter talking to a counselor or authorities, I welcome it.  She would only be telling the truth.  I have a counselor for her at her pediatrician's office that she is going to see.  Made the appointment just this past Thursday. I do not care if she tells the truth.  She needs more support from a professional.  Remember, SHE is the one who saw all the signs before I did.  She is the one who was basically telling me for a year that he was on heroin.  She was the one who cared enough to look up signs and symptoms on the internet and tell ME about it.
As far as you mentioning me knowing about his addiction, I don't understand your point.  Even if I was aware from the beginning, it doesn't make me a bad parent at all for trying to do the very best I can with what I am dealing with.  Are you aware that I have no income and have no place to go?  I will not consider a shelter.  My daughter doesn't need that crap.  Plus, she is so comfortable in her own home.  If anything, Mike needs to be the one to leave.  Not us.  At least until I can get some financial assistance and am able to move into my house I rent out.  Do you have any ideas how I can legally get my tenant out of my house prior to the end of his lease?  If you know how I can do that in Pennsylvania, please let me know.  I would welcome the advice.  Otherwise, I have nothing to be afraid of.  I didn't do the heroin, I am just one of the ones suffering from it.  Get it?
I felt so stupid not seeing the signs myself when it was all right in front of my eyes.  I think prior to my cancer, being a nurse I was very involved with my cases and work in general.  Then once at home, I would help my daughter/s with homework, cook, clean etc.  I didn't have any reason to believe he was in trouble, (remember, he never told me anything).  I just didn't have any suspicion.  Once I was diagnosed, I had intensive chemo treatments that would knock me out.  I would be in bed for a day or two after the chemo.  It makes you so ill and weak.  After the chemoe was done I had to go to radiation every day for five weeks.  Plus in the middle of all of it, maintain my psychiatrist appointments, psychologist appointments, oncology appointments, get a consultation with a physician for a PICC line insertion, get dressing changes for my PICC line weekly, keep up with my medications to keep me alive, and keep up with all my applications for medical assistance because neither my husband or I have insurance. It has been a lot to do just for myself.  It was hard for me to step out of my cancer issues and really watch my husband like a hawk.  As you may know, when someone wants to hide an addiction, they can be very crafty.  He is an excellent liar.
I tend to be more honest, so I mostly assume people (including and especially my husband) to be honest.  I had no reason to NOT believe him when I had asked multiple times before if he was getting high on heroin and he told me no. You see?

I also like you have my reservations about him wanting to quit.  I understand your thoughts completely.  I feel the same way.
However, I have no choice but to hang on to my glimmer of hope when he tells me he wants to quit.  What else can I do in my position?

You wrote "the op deserves some good".  What does that mean?  

I totally see your point in being pessimistic.  I understand many addicts relapse over and over, and sometimes never get out of the circle of drugs, then detox, then drugs, then detox.  I am so very frightened because of that fact.  Mostly because I have to live in the same house with him. I could use your prayers, Cirene.  Please pray that he stops using both suboxone as well as heroin.  Please pray that I am able to leave him if he cannot quit.  I am strong enough to be without him if he continues to use.  It makes me disgusted that he prefers the drugs to a productive life.  

I believe in God, and MOST of the bible.  When Jesus spoke of forgiving, he said if one gets (I am quoting figuratively here) slapped in the right cheek, offer them the left, if one gets "burned" seven times, forgive them seven times, if one keeps getting burned 77 times, forgive them 77 times.  I think about it a lot.  I saw my priest.  He of course offered me information on many narcotics anonymous meetings with the various Catholic churches, as well as Alanon.  He requested I bring my husband to church, and I asked my husband, but he tells me he is too busy.  I will keep praying.
So, I do love my husband.  I am not sure what the outcome will be with his disease process.  Also, as a healthcare professional, I HAVE to consider this a disease like Diabetes or Cancer.  In other words, I have to try to believe he is telling me the truth.  I have to think he is sincere.  I have to stay calm and try to get through this as I have no other choice.
Thanks for your input.  If you don't really care, you have the right to your opinion. That is what is so cool about our lives.  You can think completely differently from your neighbor, and that is OK. I do appreciate your input though.  I did ask for any input as to whether or not someone can be sucessful at quitting if they continue to associate with other active junkies.  I believe you expressed NO. Thanks again.
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Thank you both so very much for your concern and help and advice.  I am so grateful you both are ":there" for me AND my husband.  It makes a great deal of difference to me.  Your input empowers me every day when I go to this site.  I keep reading and reading on lots of posts besides yours.  Sometimes it makes me optimistic, sometimes it makes me feel very defeated.  
I am unable to compete with a powerful drug that makes one so ill when they quit, they are afraid to quit simply to avoid the pain of vomiting, diarrhea, cramps, jitters, lack of sleep, etc.  I know if I leave Mike, I would not cause that for him.  
So, it makes me very scared.  He refuses to even read any posts on this site.  He tells me he has willpower, and once his mind is made up, he can do it.  What the heck can I do but keep praying?  This site right now is mostly for me and my psychie.  I am so ignorant to this drug disease, I need all the knowledge and help and input I can get.
Kim, you are so special to me right now.  I am giving you a strong mental hug.  I understand illness and weakness.  I pray for you to feel well.  Arthritis is so crippling.  It runs in my family as well.  I am only 44, but my fingers are starting to bend in the unusual way that arthritis patients get.  I use glucosamine, and it helps a bit.  I am sure you also use it too.  I understand hot parrafin soaks do wonders for the stiffness as well.  I bought one for my mom years ago for her arthritis.  She said it really made her feel much better, but of course it doesn't last.  My mom died in June of 2008.  It is so hard for me to go through this without her.  She was always such a good ear. I have wanted to call her so much since I learned of my husband's disease.  Once, I actually (in duress) picked up my cell phone, and was about to call her number when I realized I don't have the phone number to heaven.  I cried like a baby.
I am grateful for your explaining that my husband does not attend any of my cancer visits/treatments due to his addiction.  I definately agree. I am trying to keep my forgiving thoughts in my mind at all times with him.
Even if he cannot beat his demons, he is a human being.  He was a very cool man at one time. He has definately changed. Me being home so much makes me see it more and more.  I may never be able to see him get clean, but I still have to live with him for now. Because of that, I have no choice but to be as peaceful about it all as I can for both my daughter's sake as well as my own.
Your advice about my husband needing to stay away from people who are still actively using is sage.  I thought the same thing, but I just wanted to know if I was wrong on that one.  Seeing you write that associations were the cause of many relapses made it all completley sink in for me.  
This morning, my husband told me that his one friend who was his best partner in using for over six months now has also chosen to clean up his act.  My husband tells me his friend Brian has also obtained his suboxen in order to get off the heroin and oxycontins.  I personally don't give a **** about Brian's healing and wellness, and I am wondering deep inside of my husband is just telling me that in order to have justification/rationalization for keeping him close to him daily "for work".
To quote my husband this morning "I told him (Brian) that I cannot any longer partake in your habits, you can keep doing what you want, but I will not do the drugs anymore, I don't even like it.  And Brian decided to get his suboxen to quit, and he doesn't quit for ANYBODY".  Well, I find it hard to belive that a stone cold junkie for many years will simply choose to quit jjust because his heroin partner and "personal mac machine" has decided to quit.  You know?  I am just not believing that one at all.
I didn't tell my husband that, I just listened because I don't want to argue about someone else's drug habit.  I won't even argue any more about my own husband's habit.  I just try to stay calm.
Kim, I am so happy to have met you.  I do want to write to you.  I am so ignorant as to how to extract your e-mail address from this site, so I will give you mine.  Fell free to write to me, when you do, I will have your e-mail address, and then I can write you back.
I am a child of a "sixties, hippie couple",  My dad is Cuban, and his mother was named Juana Maria.  I was named both after my Cuban grandmother as well as the name Mary Jane for pot.  My mom told me that herself.  I used to get teased incredibly for my name in junior high and high school.  People on the internet still to this day think my e-mail mane is because of pot, but it is only partly because of it.  I like to think and say I was named after my Cuban grandmother, and my mom simply changed Jane Mary to Mary Jane because she had never heard anyone named Jane Mary, but knew a few people named Mary Jane. My e-mail is ***@****.
Love to you, peace always, and God Bless you both.
Thank you.
MJ
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I am so sorry, I just saw my post to you and my e-mail adress comes up as ****@****.  I hope it isn't that way for you when you read it.  Oh crap, if it is that way, I have no idea how to give you my e-mail address.  Please forgive my ignorance for not knowing how to write to you personally.  I don't even know how to IM or PM?  I need so much help in so many ways.  
I don't usually tell my problems to people because I have this theory that when I tell someone one of my problems, I am "giving" them my problem, and know knows how many problems THEY are presently dealing with.  I feel like I have given someone a crappy present when I share my problems.  
If I cannot write to you and vice versa, perhaps it is just as well.  I hate to make you both lose sleep thinking and worrying for me.

Love to you both,
MJ
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MJ....Hi Sweetie!
Kim and James are wonderful people and great resources.  You can't go wrong with them!!
This is what you do to send them a personal message:
Pass the mouse over the screen name(stilltrying1965). A square screen will appear after several seconds. Click on "send a message" and a screen will appear for you to write a message. This is private to the rest of the forum.  So,just scroll up right here to the msg. you just sent to them and hold your mouse over the screen name okay?

Post back here with any questions.  :)

Vicki  xo
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Hi hun, hows things today. Have you spoke any more with your husband ? Probably not im guessing or you probably would have said. I too dont think you should leave and upset your family by having to go into a crappy shelter, why should you ? As you said, it was your daughter who has been your rock and recognized the symptoms, how were you meant to know what was going on ? You were ill, you had so much going on, that was the last thing that you expected or were looking for, so dont worry about people who think you should have noticed. People who take pills dont live the same lifestyle as people who take heroin,crack etc. Its a completely diifferent way of life. Not that im saying a pill addiction isnt as bad, im just saying its completely different, You are also right about  addiction being a disease, if we had a heart condition or asthma etc its just the same, an illness. They have actually proved it now. There is a gene that we carry in our body that can be passed down, its an addictive gene, so we can scientifically say, its an illness. How are you going with your illness, how are you feeling. Are you to get any more treatment ? Do you know yet ? How often are your check ups ? Maybe youve already wrote this, if you have im sorry, i maybe missed it. Do you know if hes still taking both the subs and heroin ?How does he take his heroin ? Im sorry for asking all these questions but im just trying to work out how big a habit he has. When he has spoke about getting clean hashe said how he is going to do it ? Is he going to goc/tor is he going to use something else while getting clean. Im not 100% sure he is going to do it but if he is hell have to make a plan as it is very hard and he will go through horrendous w/ds, he will need loads of support. Im just a bit worried about you being strong enough just now,but your daughter sounds like she is a real diamond, she is your rock and obviously loves both of you and must be very worried for you both. She has been through enough without having to drag her to one of those shelters when she is comfortable at home and willing to help both of you. She is amazing. I think she will be your rock if/when he decides he is going to get clean. Please keep us updated in whats happening as i really care about whats going on with you and your family. As do most of us here on mh. You have all been in our prayers, and we have been sending you strength and hope. Always have hope as without hope we have nothing. But i know i probably dont have to say that to you as you are such a nice, caring person, Warm hugs...Kim
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Everyone here cares about you and your problems and you are not dumping them on us by posting.
You are sharing and helping yourself not carry such a burden.
We can at least offer support and help for you and we are worried for your health.
You are in a very difficult position trying to fight cancer and dealing with addiction in your family at the same time.
You are welcome to share anytime and if we can help share your burden,we will.
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Hello Miss Vicki,
I want you to know first and foremost, I love your kindness and would be so honored to one day meet you and give you a warm hug.  You mean that much to me.  I have come to looking forward to seeing anything you post. You are truly a gift to humanity.  Believe me.
My youngest daughter is named Victoria because I never met a Vicki I didn't like.  Same with my oldest named Sarah.  I never met a Sara I didn't like.  I had chosen my daughter's names long before I ever got pregnant.  When I was a teenager. I never fantasized about weddings, even my own wedding to Michael was simply slapped together because it never meant that much to me regarding weddings, (marriage is a whole other story), but my children's names and lives I often fantasized about,  I always thought I could give them so much more than what I had as a kid.  Don't get me wrong, I don't think I ever missed out on anything in my home life as a kid of a couple of hippies, I just always wanted to give them more. I am so disappointed in what I chose for the head of my household right now.
My parents were drug users and abusers.  Sleep habits were always "whenever" in our home.  We always had the most unusual pets. When my older sister was born, my parents had a pet monkey in their Manhattan apartment.  My mom told me they got rid of the monkey when she saw he kept throwing his feces at my sister as an infant.  Then they had a pet raccoon.  I could only imagine what damage those claws could have done.  When I was a child, we always had kittens and dogs.  Once we had a pet chicken in Manhattan.  We named her "Brocky", because she would make those sounds.  Brock, brock.  She would lay eggs for us daily even though there was NO rooster around.  When my parents moved to the country in Arcadia, Florida, we had many more pets.  Horses of course, goats, ( I didn't care for the males goats because they like to ram you with their horns), we had a pet pig names Brutus who was so smart and so clean.  He was cleaner than our dogs.  Our neighbor shot and killed him and ate him one day when Brutus got out of our property and was wandering around our neighborhood.  Very sad. We had ducks and geese. They were incredibly messy.  We had roosters.  I hated the roosters the most because they would forever try to charge you if you even walked around the 12 acre property my parents had.  When they charge you, they use their talons to really scratch and scrape you.  What a trip.
I do not care for country living to this day.  I much prefer the concrete and people of a large urban city.  
My parents were so unusual compared to "Donna Reed".  My mom told me she had used heroin with both of her pregnancies with my sister and I.  We had a younger sister, Joann, who died of crib death, and my mom had a son who was a stillborn.  After those failed attempts of children, she couldn't bear to get pregnant again and was always very honest about her addictions, (to her detriment) she was able to get her tubes tied at a young age. My parents were addicts all of my life.  They were honest addicts.  They never tried to hide it from anyone. My dad explained to my sister and I at a very young age not to speak of certain things in our home because we would get "taken away" from them.  So my sister and I never spoke of certain things.  Our home was a revolving door for their addict friends,  All of our life, we always had someone living with us who was not immediate family, but instead a fellow drug user. It never bothered me until late junior high and high school.  That is when I became more aware.  I once saw a junkie friend of my parents who was living with us at the time shoot up in the livingroom and use our curtain to wipe the excess blood coming out of his hole he had pierced in his for his needle.  That grossed me out.  Many other times I needed to sleep for a test the next day at school, and my parents would be up well after 2:30am playing music loudly and just partying.  My parents always worked for themselves.  No doubt because they couldn't hold a job that they had to be accountable for.  We moved so many times when we were young kids in Brooklyn and Manhattan.  I am sure it was because they would get evicted for not paying rent.  We went to so many schools as kids, we were always and forever the "new kids on the block", and that isn't always easy.  Trying to constantly make new friends.  My parents never helped me once with my homework.  I do not recall ever hearing my mom or dad once saying to me, "what do you have for homework tonight?"  There is a point to all of this.

My point is, when I first met Michael, he had two jobs.  One with UPS, and one working for his father who at the time I met him had over 100 pieces of property in the Pittsburgh area.  Homes everywhere for rent and sale.  Mike had a house he owned without a mortgage, and a four unit apartment building.  He had two vehicles, one a work van, and one that was a 66 Chevy Impala Convertable.  Just this year in January, he sold the convertible for cash at a much lower rate than it was worth.  Now I know why.
When I first met him, he was so incredibly promising, I thought, this is the one.  He told me he thought I was "beautiful" the very moment he met me.  He sent me a beautiful engagement ring, and asked me to move to Pittsburgh once I finished nursing school in Florida.  I did.  I really thought I had found someone I could raise children with in the right way.  You know?
I was very honest with him about my childhood and youth.  I expressed to him that I considered it VERY IMPORTANT FOR MY MAN TO NOT HAVE ANY ADDICTIONS LIKE MY PARENTS DID.
This is where I get very defeated.  He knew how I felt about drugs.  He knew how I was about things like this.  
I feel so incredibly betrayed by him for his heroin use.  It is like such a slap in the face. WTF???
My mom died of liver cancer from her drug usage.  My dad is completely addicted to opiates to this day.  He is so incredible to me though.  He is fit, stays thin. Works as much as he can, (independantly).  He is a genious, I mean it.  He is so smart about so many things, but he just won't ever quit his drugs.  He was real bad with cocaine in my late teens and early twenties. Now he is an opiate fan.  I love him dearly.  He was always very aware of possible molestations with all of his friends living with us as young kids, and was incredibly protective of us.  We never were touched once. He always kept us kids close to him.  He never tried to hide or deny his usage, and I have to respect that.  It has always been painful to me personally when he would frankly tell my sister and I that he will never quit drugs. EVER. It hurt a lot when I was a younger teen, but once I was older, I had no choice but to accept him for what he is.
He loves me, but ever since I told him I hate Mike's heroin usage and want to leave him, he has not returned my calls.  I suppose his guilt has caused him to stop answering my calls.  It is hard for my dad to have lost his wife of 47 years, then the very next year watch his youngest daughter fight for her life in the oncology unit of the hospital.  I know that.  When he would visit me at home after I lost all of my hair, I know it was hard looking at a person with a PICC line coming out of her arm, breathing rapidly because of the tumor on my heart, and seeing about four hairs sparsely dispersed on my head.  I know that.  
I just have such experience growing up in a drug filled household, yet I could kick myself for not noticing it in my husband.
Vicki, I am sorry I have so many problems. I always used to watch the Donna Reed show as a kid, and imagine myself with that kind of household.  I always wanted that for my kids.  Look where I am now? What a trip.
Pray for me if you can.  I thank you and I love you.
I am staying calm, and I completely trust your input and am grateful for it.
Thank God for people like you.
Love and peace,
MJ
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Your story brought tears to my eyes and a lump in my throat.
To think that you still graduated from nursing school under such conditions.
You are a very strong and capable person and will get through this.
We are here to help in any way we can.
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Thank you for your post.  I never even thought about going to a judge to ask for my husband's incompetency. It is a scary thought. That would require me to begin proceedings that I may not be ready for.  I understand what you are saying though, because I definately am becoming more acutely aware of my husband's dwindling monies.  Yes, it is true.  He is wasting so much money on all of his crap.  Between his friends considering him to be their personal mac machine, and his own expenses as a heroin and now suboxone user.  I see your point.
I will ask my lawyer about it all when I feel up to seeking a divorce.  I am right now "waiting it out".  I have no other choice.

I will definately try to speak to my girls about their dad's condition and let them know how detrimental it is in someone's life to be a drug user/abuser.  I hope I have the right words.  I sought a therpist for my youngest daughter hoping that a professional could help her sort out right from wrong on this one.  I just don't know if I am the one to be able to advise them considering everything they have watched me endure.  I think of myself as part of the problem for them until I can get away from the drug abuser and show them how it is to live drug free. I don't know.  I am so unsure of myself anymore.  Between the lack of self esteem from losing my profession to illness, and being so weak and almost dying, to living with my husband and his ways and never knowing or seeing it for what it was.  I feel like such an idiot that my youngest saw it all before I even did.  I feel slightly betrayed that when my husband confided in my oldest daughter about his drug use, she never even told me.  She kept HIS secret!  I feel like I must have failed her for her to be more loyal to him and his drug abuse than to come clean to me almost three years ago.  I think to myself, I must have really looked like an idiot to my oldest daughter.  My youngest is incredibly loyal to me.  She knows my history, she know how I feel, she respects me.  She also REALLY LOVES HER DAD AS WELL.  I can respect that too.
Frankly, I already told her if I do divorce Mike, I want her to live with me as long as she is under 18, but if she wants to live with her dad after that, I understand because I know she loves her dad.  Just like I love my dad.

You are also very intuitive.  I just looked at the "intervention" website yesterday.  I read a lot of their posts.  I am hesitant about calling them for my husband, as he would know right away if some "producers wanted to do a show about his addiction".  You see, he is very normal looking to look at him.  He is one of those users who still keeps his hygiene, he still has his customers who really like his work, he speaks well, and when he is high, he avoids home and avoids returning calls from customers until he feels "stright" enough to talk with them.  He has worked on homes and home repair for over thirty years, and he knows a lot of things about repairs, how electrical wires work, plumbing, soffit and fascia, vinyl siding, roofing, etc.  He really knows what he is doing and he takes pride in his work still.  
I read on many other posts the same things with other lifelong users that have written they hold 40 hour a week jobs and functioning while still using daily.  Mike is not so crippled by this disease to look at him.  I just see it behind closed doors. (Actually I see it only because of my precious child and this website has helped me piece together all those signs and symptoms I had witnessed but never put two and two together).
Mike loves the show Intervention.  He especially loves to watch the heroin addicts.  Now that I think about it, in hindsight, perhaps he was trying to give me suttle hints about his addiction by always trying to get me to watch it.  You see, with my personal history with my parents, I have an aversion to watching addicts and their dismal ways.  I don't disrespect and addict for their pain or anything that makes them use, I just have my own mindset on that one and it will never change.  I have always fouond that show to be so depressing because I only see their worst, then the actual intervention, and a tiny clip of them with sobriety.  I would much rather instead watch the DETOXING and process of the therapy it takes for someone to remain clean. I used to tell my husband, if I want to watch someone with a problem, I would rather watch Dr. Drew's Celebrity rehab because it show the process of the healing, good and bad.  I am SOOOOOO good on the whole usage footage. I lived it as a kid.
I also like to see Clean House instead of Hoarders.  Hoarders is so sad, and at least clean house gives the people a chance to stay in a hotel for 48 hours and see what it is like to live in a relatively clean setting before coming home to a renovated, organized clean house.  
I love your suggestions though.  I can see the care in your words, and I love you Sleeping Beauty for that. Thank you for everything.  You all mean so much to me.
You are my strength right now.  I will keep posting.
Mike is on day three of suboxone.  I pray he can really get clean.
Love,
MJ
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MJ....I don't know what to say...very unusual for me...

First,thank you for the lovely compliment. If I've given you anything,I'm happy. I am,also, a nurse. It was my dream since childhood.  I always wanted to help,to fix,to make it all better...and I have fulfilled my dream many times over.

My nickname is Vicki but I am Victoria. I love my name.  :)

You describe your childhood in such a way that I can truly visualize it.  It's sad,bittersweet,colorful...Yes,I also respect your Dad for his no BS honesty. So very typical of that generation.  My own parents were from a generation earlier.  My Dad always smoked pot,my Mom had nightly cocktails. They were open and honest. Not exactly "Father Knows Best"  (remember that TV show) but more"do as I say not as I do".  I wanted June Cleaver and her family!!   I wanted perfection.  Oh...I can so relate.
But,I know I was loved,everyday,as I'm sure you were...that's really all we can hope for in this world.The rest we have to deal with...
They say we marry our fathers...sounds like you did...

I do really believe Mike loves you. He's an addict. Everything he says needs to be multiplied by two or divided by two.  It's hard to know which equation to use and when,I know. I think you're doing the right thing. Listen,watch,keep informed.   Mike broke his promise to you BUT addicts do that.  It's not who he is.  So,you need to wait and watch how his "talk" plays out...

Your post brought tears to my eyes,also. It touched many things/feelings in me.  I've always said "Everyone has a story" and we truly never know where people are coming from unless they tell us.  I think,because of the humanity of it all,we should always approach others with respect and kindness. We just never know. I've tried to instill this in my daughter as she was growing up.  It worked!!  Thank God!   She is a beautiful young woman (19) and I'm floored by many of her insights and her approach to stressors/people.  Very kind.

About your Dad...Please keep calling him.Do what you can so that thread doesn't get dropped. Try not to hypothetize as to why he hasn't returned your phone calls.  He can give you so much insight.    My Dad was always my "go to guy".  I thought he hung the moon and was the smartest man on earth. Super brain.     He died of cancer many years ago.  To this day,I still catch myself running to the phone to share something I read in the NY Times or politics or sports!!  It makes me sad at times...I wish I'd had a little more time with him.  But,our time together was what it was,for as long as it was. I accept it.  "Acceptance is everything in life".

Take it day to day,Sweetie.  Keep yourself well.  Do what you can.  That's all I have right now.    :)

Vicki      xo
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Thank you for telling me I am not "giving you my problems".  I am so appreciative of this website because I AM able to get so much off my chest and unload.  I feel like one minute my husband may clean up his act, and the next minute I feel so defeated because I am aware that heroin is so addictive both physically and mentally.  I asked my husband this morning how does he plan to stay clean by keeping associations with his "friends" and not attending meetings?  That is when he told me his "friend" also began using suboxen to clean up his act.  I just don't buy it.  I so very much want my husband to go to a meeting.  I really feel if he goes to one, he will go to more, and if he can meet people who have quit and stayed clean in those meetings, he could meet some new people that share his pain, share his story, and are sober enough to see and not judge him.
I must tell you how grateful I am for this site and all of you wonderful people who daily make me stronger and more aware, and most importantly somehwat optimistic that I can have a sober husband again. (Did I ever have a sober husband?)
Is my dad avoiding me because he also "partied" with my husband and THEY kept it a secret from me?
Everyone close to me knows how I feel about this drug use.  Is that why I am always kept in the dark?
It makes me feel so betrayed and alone until I come to this site and see your posts that give me some strength.
Boy do I wish I knew then what I know now.  I guess that is not how my life was supposed to be. Huh?
I do believe in God, and I don't blame God for my situation at all.  I guess I am being strengthened.  The fact that I at least understand where Mike has been coming from is my gift from God.  You and all the other loving, caring people are my gift from God.  You help me to stay sane.
Thank you and God bless you.
MJ
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Good Morning!  I know in the UK it may not be morning.  Oh my, I see it isn't even morning anymore here in Pittsburgh!  It is a bit after 12 noon.  
I can tell you what my husband has told me, although I am not sure if I have been informed the entire truth.
He tells me he only sniffs and smokes his heroin.  He told me he only used three bags a day, but when I discovered his trash, he had thrown away six empty bags of heroin.  So, I am unsure as to literally how much and how often other than what I have read.  I understand once an addict is off heroin about 8 hours, they need more to stay "normal".  The addict will peak at his withdrawal within 24-72 hours of avoiding his heroin.  I don't know.
He told me he skin popped with my parents about 19 years ago.  How embarrasing is that for me?  
I was always the unusual one in my household.  I compare myself to the Munster Family.  In the UK you may never have seen the show, but it was a spoof of sorts on Haloween type creatures.  For instance, the male head of the household was Frankenstein, the wife was a vampiress (I think), the father-in-law, (Grandpa) was a vampire, the son (Eddie Munster) was a baby vampire, and they had a "cousin" named Marilyn who lived with them.  Marilyn was a normal, sweet blonde young lady with all the right manners and she dressed well, and was the misfit of the house according to the haloween creatures.  They always thought of Marilyn as the "Odd one", but she was family and so sweet that they "tolerated" her in their home.  
In my home, I was the Marilyn.  Different than my older sister, thought differently than my mom and dad.  When I was a young adult I would get into really bad fights with my father for asking him to attend meetings and get clean.  He would almost "cut me off communicaiton" with him because of it.  I learned not to try to change him if I wanted to have my parents even speak to me. For a long time, my dad was a cocaine dealer.  Being Cuban he had the best connections in Miami.  My mom would be a "mule" for him transporting cocaine to NYC and Ohio (of all places) for a "contact" he had there.  Of course, he got busted because one of his long time customers got busted, and the police in Florida offered his "customer" a light sentence as long as he gave them a biger fish to catch.  So, my dad was set up by this man who my dad thought was a friend for many years.  That is how it goes in the drug business.
I often tried to ask him to stop dealing!  Take his money he made and invest it in something HONEST!  The lure of easy money and his cocaine addiction at the time was stronger than my requests.  Meanwhile my mom and sister had no problems with the money dad made, and didn't object to him nearly as much as I did.
I was always the odd one.
I am the odd one again with my little family, except for my youngest, who does help me.  She is my diamond and my rock.  I can't believe I put her in this predicament!  I feel so incredibly guilty for her having to teach me about my husband.  I cannot imagine what my child goes through in her head with her mom being ill, and her dad being ill, and her older sister not really supporting her for telling me. I love both my girls, yet I still feel so betrayed by my oldest.  I don't tell her that, as I don't want to make her feel guilty like I do. It is something I am just sharing with you because I know you do care and want to know.
I think my husband has been regularly using heroin for at least three years when my brother-in-law moved back to Pittsburgh for that time.  He did go to an outpatient clinic because he showed me all the paperwork from 4/9/09.  He told me he relapsed at least three times since his initial outpatient visit.  Then he just goes back to the heroin. Then he goes back to the suboxen.
He tells me this is his last time, but what I have read, I don't know if he can quit without meetings and avoidance of drug addicted friends and family.
I can tell you that if his brother moves back to Pittsburgh and starts showing up at my driveway every morning waiting to mooch off of my husband again, I WILL CONTACT THE POLICE, I WILL MAKE SURE BOTH OF THEM SPEND TIME IN JAIL.  His borther is like the devil with his bad ways. My husband's family has this saying....."Blood is thicker than water". I have always been the water.  That is fine, but if he comes back into my husband's life to **** it up again, I will show a side of me that will get very harsh.  There will be no return either. I have told my husband that.  I hope he heeds what I said for his and his bother's freedom from jail.
Kim, I hope you are well today.  I was a bit angry at my husband last night because I had to pick up my oldest daughter downtown to take her home, when I went out to my car, sure enough there were three of his junkie friends in my driveway!  One was down the street where my husband owns a garage/warehouse, one was walking in the street towards my home, and one was in the car in my driveway!  I had told my husband days ago not to bring them near my house or I would call the police and have them all arrested.  When I asked why they were all over our street last night, my husband told me that one of the junkies was bringing food and diapers to our neighbor for lower than cost. Apparently this junkie gets food somehow, (food stamps or knows another junkie who holds a job at a grocery store), anyways, he gets this food, and then resells it at a lower cost to anyone who wants it.  My nosy neighbor asked my husband one time when Sean brought over food to our house, and got Sean's number to request the same deal.  Here is my thing, if Sean was bringing this stuff to Bob's house, why then was he parked in OUR driveway?  Why was his junkie girlfriend, Brandy walking down the street and in front of my husband's warehouse?  It made no sense.  So, of course I didn't believe it.  I yelled, got very upset because I am so frightened at my husband doing his drugs, and I started to have those symptoms again.  Rapid heartbeat, nausea, arm pain, etc.  I had to go up to my bedroom and thank goodness a silly movie called "Oh Brother Where Art Thou" was on.  I layed still, and literally had to keep all thoughts of my husband out of my mind and focus on the silly movie.  It helped slightly, and I eventually slept.  When I awoke this morning, my heart was not hurting me.

Love to you always.
Thank you and I wish you both well.
Mary Jane
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I have a PET scan on Monday, 3/15/10.  Then I meet iwth my oncologist on 3/18/10 to find out the results of the chemo and radiation regarding the tumor.  I think my oncologist will finally give me a prognosis.  I will take a few minutes of his time that day to ask him if he could help me in any way to obtain the SSDI benefits.  SSDI is a benefit for people who have worked in this country long enough, and paid taxes towards retirement or disability.  The SSDI, if awarded will pay me approximately $1,500.00 a month, and I will be eligible for Medicaid which is a type of medical insurance of sorts that will cover the cost of my medical expenses for the rest of my life.  I need to be able to have an income so I can live apart from my husband if he chooses to stay on drugs or if he welcomes his brother back into his life.
My hair is about a half inch long all over my head, and I no longer wear a wig.  My picture on my profile is from 10 years ago.  I never wore my hair this short in my life, and I have no intention of posting my "present look" on any site until I have my hair a bit longer.  That is if I can live long enough.
I get weak and out of breath easily.  If I carry a load of laundry up the stairs, my heart will pound out of my chest, and I have to lay down until it slows.  Just going up a flight of stairs gets me out of breath.  Otherwise, I try to eat healthy. I work hard at keeping myself as normal as possible.  I don't know if I can ever work as a nurse again.
I would like to take a horticulture course if I have to change professions.  I will see what happens when I see my oncologist.
I have incredibly large blood clots on my left side of my body.  Many doctors have told me my left sided circulation is shot.  I have to take incredibly high injections of lovenox twice a day to keep my blood from clotting further, so I am always at risk for cardiac arrest or stroke.  I am terrified of stroking out, so I do my shots regularly even though my stomach is bruised and starting to get scarred from all the injections.  I do not like the way I look between the short hair, the picc line coming out of my right arm, and my stomach no longer looking normal.  I am not normal.  I am a mess.
I keep myself alive.  I think of the rock group Queen.  "Keep yourself alive".  That is what I do right now.
My diagnosis is Large Diffuse B cell Lymphoma with Superior Vena Cava Syndrome.
It ***** basilcally.
Love to you both.
MJ
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There is a new drug called Xarelto in Canada that is a tablet version of Lovenox.You take it once a day and do not have to do bloodwork like warfarin.Do you have it in USA?
It can't be more expensive than Lovenox and certainly easier to take.
I am praying that your doctor's visit turns out well and that things will look up for you.
You have an incredible inner strength and that will get you through.
I am sure your other daughter was probably afraid to upset you and did not tell you about your husband's addiction.She was probably afraid to brak up the home.
God bless you and keep you safe.
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Vicki, why must you warp my posts into the complete opposite of what they actually mean?  This is like, what, my 3rd post you've twisted around?  And to the others who've misunderstood this comment:

"And yes, I'm much more of a pessimist than an optimist.  So take my words with a grain of salt or heed my warning - I don't care lol.

;-)"

See, since I stated I'm a pessimist the joke here is the 'I don't care' part, posted right after a caring post .  It's blatantly obvious I do care.  Come on folks, if I didn't care, do you really think I'd bother replying to any threads?  Would I bother being a member here at all for that matter?  Again, the op (like kajama,) was able to interpret what I meant (I think.)  Yet others weren't.  Odd.

Maryjanel:

See, I'm not sure how all that would work, as I don't have children - I wasn't sure if it would reflect badly on you for not removing your girls from the situation, knowing he was using.  I'm glad you're all for her getting some help from external resources.  I just hope it doesn't bite you in the butt.  That's what I meant by being concerned.  And yeah, that's pretty heavy for her to have known it all along and she was essentially the one to tell you.  She must have been under some big time pressure :/.  I think I said I don't have any solid advice for you on where to go and that must be an awful feeling for you.  You're stuck.  I can only imagine your first thoughts when you wake up each morning.  

"The op deserves some good.  A lot of good actually, after reading about what she's been through lately itt," means just that.  You're dealing with cancer and now a secretly addicted husband who just now decided to attempt being honest.  That's a whole hell of a lot for anyone to go through.  Movie material right there.  You deserve a break in the clouds and not more bs.  

Your posts make it obvious that you're a genuine and good person overall.  And I saw you photo lol.  You're beautiful.  Stunning.  'Good person' radiates from your face to me.  I don't know you mj but I have started praying for you.  Praying is very personal to me and something I don't talk about often, but I really believe you deserve GOOD for a change.  

I'll be keeping track of your posts and such.  I so hope things work out as stress-free as possible!  ♥
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I had FAITH in you Cirene!  I knew you cared.  I really did.  Forgive me, but I still don't understand what 'op" means.  I will look up kajama on the internet. I am so ignorant, and my mind is a bit of  mess.  Please understand that I don't understand.
I am not worried about any authorities and my girl.  I just literally found out in the beginning of this month, and have already begun a process to help my girl heal.  I don't think anyone with authority would place any blame on me for not choosing to leave my home, but I understand your concern.
Keep on keeping on Cirene.  Just explain yourself exactly the way you do.  If some of us don't understand you, it may just be our minds are not where yours is, and you will have to forgive us. OK?  I can honestly tell you my mind is mush lately.
Thank you for writing to me, every time you write to me it is a blessing.  Just like when all the other wonderful people write.  It does not go unappreciated.
Your prayers for my family are exactly what I need.  So, thank you kindly my friend.
All the best to you.  I hope you are well.  I don't want to keep jammering about myself, as everyone else on this forum is so incredibly important too.
I pray for you too Cirene.
Love,
MJ
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'Op' means 'original poster' or 'original post.'
'Kajama' is another member I was referring to.  

And I apologize for all that!  I'm a forumoholic.  I forget that not everyone uses chat lingo.  I'll need to work on this lol.

hugz 2 u 4 sure

:)

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baahgh!

Chat lingo / forum lingo - same thing.

I demand 'edit' buttons.  :p
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Today is dismal.  I had my PET scan, and saw a therapist.  I didn't really get much out of the visit, but I told him all the truth.
I will see my oncologist on Thursday.  I need to be able to see some light in this dark tunnel, and I just can't right now.
I am sorry.
mj
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MJ~~
Did they say anything after the PET scan?  Any indication as to whether treatment is working?  Usually they don't say anything but I was just wondering...
Oh...you sure have a bucketload to deal with,Sweetie.  I understand that you don't feel like talking. You sound depressed. I know how that goes...Please get some rest and go easy on yourself.  Get in touch when you can...
Love and prayers~Vicki
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I just finished reading all the posts on this thread, took me awhile, there are alot.  I just wanted you to know you are in my prayers and I hope and pray also for your husband to have strength, it takes alot of that to go through cancer with someone you love.  Just remember to keep up hope and know we are all praying for you.  Loss for words.
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We're all entitled to have our funk days.  And sometimes (for me anyways,) attempting to fight them off makes things worse.  So I 'hide under my blanket,' so to speak.

I'm very glad you got to a therapist.  I hope he / she's a good one.  Remember you should be able to call on them anytime you're in a rough spot and need to talk.  That's part of their job.  And of course, don't forget the free help you'll get here!

Hope you start to feel a bit better soon.  ♥
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Optimism is a thought.  I try, It gets difficult.  I am not the same in every way since the chemo, all the PET scans, I have had four now, I get injected with radioactive material that is kept in a locked thick metal box.  (Do you realize how poisonous it is?) Then, I get injected with contrast dye that is also not good for my body.  After the PET scans, I ache all day, and I can feel the crap in my veins and it is a feeling that is abnormal.  Perhaps that is why I get "plague ridden with self-pity". (In your words.)
You are truly a confrontational person to me.  Please cease to read my posts.  Feel free to never write to me again.
I am trying to "vent", "unload" etc.  If you perceive it as me seeking pity, you are so very wrong.
I feel like a completely different person since my cancer and treatments, and the realization that my husband is in denial with his addiction. This, compiled with no money, and no way out gets me to feel the way I do.
I suppose I do define myself by my husband's weaknesses right now.  That is what prompted me to post to begin with.
He is the "head of my little household".  I have been grossly betrayed and disappointed by him.  
Do you have any ideas as to how I can get away from him without an income?
I am sure you don't.  
Leave me alone nvfox.
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I usually do not get any answer to my PET scans on the day they are performed,
Tomorrow I see my oncologist.  I will find out what the tumor looks like at that time.  I plan to spend quite some time with him.
I do believe my therapist is helpful.  He is a male, and has had a lot of experience with post-chemo patients and cancer.  He seemed to understand my mental state.  He is located in my cancer treatment center, so he deals with people who have gone through what I have gone through.  He agreed like all of you special, wonderful people that I am also undergoing a bit more stress in my life with my husband's issues.  He chose not to address them in the session I went to on Monday, except for the fact that he wanted to share my "husband's secret" with all of my doctors.  He of course, asked my permission, and he was positive that it is imperative that my physicians all know about it so they could take "my load" into consideration with regards to my healing.  I did accept his advice, and I have no idea where that will go.
My husband does not know I have sought some therapy, but he has decided not to speak with me about whether he has more suboxen or has gone back to heroin anymore.  I am cut off communication. AGAIN.  That is so hurtful.  He states that my asking about it makes him just go out and do some more.  He just told me that last night. SURE!  It has NOTHING to do with the fact that he continues to associate with all of his junkie friends on a daily basis, and chooses to not attend one N/A meeting.
A friend on this site who has a lot of experience with opiate addiction told me frankly to SPLIT if my husband does not want to get himself clean.  Boy do I wish I could.

I do feel if I could remove myself from this situation, I would be more likely to heal. Emotionally and spiritually.  I WOULD HAVE NO ONE TO DISAPPOINT ME BUT MYSELF.  
It isn't happening anytime soon, and yes, I am depressed over it.  Vicki, you are a great strength for me.  I thank you for all of your kindness.
Love,
MJ

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Thank you for your kind words, Michele.  I apologize for my incredibly sad situation.  I think from nvfox's comments to me, I am definately giving other people "my problems" just by sharing them.
Please pray for my family.  If my husband continues his path, please pray that I can remove myself from this situation permanently.
God Bless and Thank you.
MJ
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Hey girl!  Thanks for your post to me.  I so understand about hiding under the blanket so to speak.  I can't.  I have so many appointments on a weekly basis, I never cnacel any of them.  Plus, my daughter's expect me to still be their "rock".
It has been such a difficult task for me, and I wish I had support from my husband while I am trying to get through my cancer diagnosis to find out my prognosis. I do not have his support as he is  occupied with his friends and drugs. Such is my life.
I do welcome all your posts, Cirene.  I know you mean the best for me and I appreciate that.
God Bless you honey.
MJ
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Hang in there girlie...you are fighting a battle that is even harder than opiate addiction.You are literally fighting for your life.
You are allowed to feel unsure of yourself considering the position you are in.
I think you are doing a tremendous job and showing superhuman strength in your fight.
It is such a shame that your husband is not there for you,but maybe he just can't face it.Instead of showing emotion maybe he is hiding in his addiction.
I wish you the best in everything and that you will heal from this disease.
Love and kisses to you on ST.Patricks Day.
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I know it's an impossible situation right now. I feel badly...there just is not an imminent
solution.  You have to take things day by day now.  Your girls are big...I know they need their Mom(I have a 19 year old daughter) but I think it's okay to share with them some of your feelings as far as illness goes. They could be a huge support right now. Maybe give them a chance to be grown up. They're almost there!  Just a thought...
They may be waiting for you to ask!  Who knows?
You are always in my prayers.  This forum IS a place to reach out for help. I'm sure most of us are not burdened by this.  We've all had our troubles and can so relate...
Love~Vicki
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Top of the mornin' to ya!  
Thank you for your post!  You are such a kind soul, Miss Pharma9.  You should be in the nursing profession as you are so in tune with other people simply by the words they write.  I can only imagine how much help you would be to people when you are face to face with them.
Yes, I agree my husband might be hiding his emotion with his addiction.  I SO AGREE!  I know he has been using long before my diagnosis though.  So I am thinking his pain has very little to do with me.  Or, he may have been using because he hates me so much, and prefers to live in a clouded fog with heroin highs rather than just sit down with me and tell me it is over.  I would so much prefer the painful truth than being "snowed" with lies and deceit.
I feel like it is over.  I am genuinely OK with that.  I wish I could leave.

Him cutting me off of any type of communication regarding his using does sink in to me that he has more to hide I suppose.  It is so unfair that he does that to me, yet he shares who knows what with his drug using friend.  You know?  His friend knows every time Mike uses, his friend may even know why he uses.  His friend doesn't care other than to make sure my husband is around with his bank card and ability to score drugs.  I am around however, because I loved him.  I committed to a life with him in a church before God.  I don't understand the inequity of it.

I am sleeping less and less.  These past few days this week so far, I may have had about five hours of sleep in all.  I know it isn't good to lose sleep, but my situation is such that I can't help it. I choose not to ask for ambien or anything.  I am so afraid of putting yet even more drugs in my system other than the poisons I have been subjected to.  My PCP did prescribe me Wellbutrin, and in my last visit to her last week, she increased the dose.  I am still quite anxious.  She also prescribed vitamin D and she wants to start me on vitamin B-12 shots regularly, but my oncologist has objected to that for now.  I am unsure as to why.  I have so many questions to cover with him tomorrow.
You are one of my blessings from God Pharma9.  Thank you for everything.  AND HAPPY ST. PATTY'S DAY TO YOU AS WELL! No green beer for me.
Love,
MJ
All I can ask for is prayer.
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There is some theory that b12 may actually feed a cancer(in layman's terms) and Vitamin D may help prevent it.So I agree with the doctor's decision.
That is why I did not suggest any herbal or even vitamins to you because oncologists usually do not allow them except magnesium which is depleted during chemo.
I would only take the things the oncologist suggests.
You are always in my prayers and thoughts and remember ...cancer CAN be beaten.
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MJ iwould just like you to know that we will be here for you whenever you need us.You my friend are going through some tough times. How are you today MJ hope you feel a wee bit better than the other day.As i think you know MJ some things will have to change. And i will pray that the do. You desserve to be happy and to enjoy  life .We think you are an amazing and brave girl. God Bless you MJ   James

P.S Kim was writing to you on saturday when the pc crashed. Shes at the hospital just now, but i was to tell you if she feels okay she wil write you tonight !!!
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Girl, I love and trust your advice.  I will do as you write.  I hope I can speak the right words to my girls.  They know what I am going through, but yes, you are right.  I have not asked for THEM TO HELP ME yet.  I will do so today.
I hope my problems are not a burden.  I do not want to make anyone worry or lose sleep for me.  I just wanted to know a couple of things about my husband;s drug habit, and the posts just grew and grew from such incredible caring and loving people!  You, my dear are one of the big ones.  You all are my gift from God, and that is my spiritual strength for now.  THANK YOU!
Love,
MJ
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MJ~~   Don't worry about the words.  If they come from your heart(which they will) they will be perfect.  If you don't say anything or ask for help the girls and others will think you're fine.  They want to;they may be in a kind of denial which is normal.  You know:  "Well,Mom didn't say anything so she's good".   Just asking for some help at home is a help..Laundry,simple meals etc..     Sweetie,you're sick right now from everything you've been through and you're tired from EVERYTHING.  The strongest person would just take to their bed for a good,long time!!!

I hope, so very much,that your oncology visit goes well tomorrow.  Please,God,let Mary Jane hear some wonderful news. She's tried so hard and she is truly good and deserving. Please help her to be well.

Vicki  xo
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Your posts is so caring and special.
Thank God for people like you.
My oncology appointment went good/bad.  Good news is my PET scan showed no new cencerous cell acticity.  Bad news is I still have my tumor, but it is "small" now.
I am at a severe crossroads, and it doesn't look promising for me.  The doctor would not give me an order to remove my PICC line, and yet, he actually "cleared" me for work as a nurse again.
It sounds like good news, but I am terrified. I don't feel so healthy, and I get panic attacks.  My heart still gets incredibly symptomatic.  My biggest fear is finding a job that offers health benefits, but I get rejected because of my new "chronic diagnosis" of cancer.  It has happened to many people before.
I still have my husband who most likely is using, and in constant denial. I don't know that for sure because he will not discuss his "anything" with me anymore.  I am wishing I were dead.  Really.
I have my daughters to help.  I have all my friends on this site to help me.  
I am not sure if I can even hold a job in nursing anymore.  I always had such a positive outlook in life no matter what I was given, but this cancer and substance abuse has really hit me hard.  
So, I know I need to keep thinking positively.  I know that.  
I must fight my fears and worries.  I can do this. I think. I am tired.
Your prayers are answered for me,  I believe no new cancerous activity in my mediastinal area is incredible!  Even though my tumor has not been eradicated. I have been told it is "smaller".  So, I will be able to breathe and not have a swollen face when I wake up.  I need to keep thinking positive, I must keep my heart from acting up.  Your prayers and love will get me through all of this.  I can beat all of it.
Love,
MJ
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Yes,MJ,you will beat it all!  Just keep your focus on yourself and the girls...My Mom always said "The Lord doesn't give us such a burden that we can't handle".  Those words have always helped me to be strong,especially in the darkest days...
I think your Dr. visit went well!  Is he planning more treatment for the "small" tumor?
If there is no cancerous activity...that's very good!!  The small tumor may be "inhibited" now!   Think positive !!!  But, you need rest and less stress. You know that...like a few days with no running around etc...You've been through a lot physically.
That's what concerns me right now...

You're in my prayers~~

Love~Vicki
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Thank you for letting us know about your scan,I am glad that there is no further cancer activity.Go with the good news and you can have a renewed vigor for life.
I understand your confusion on how to react.But it definitely is good news that the tumor has not grown.
Perhaps work although physically hard,may help distract you from your problems and give you some financial independence.
Maybe you can start slowly part time while you heal and get stronger.
I am always thinking about you and sending you my love
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Im sending my prayers your way too MJ..Im so glad to hear you have no new cancer cells.  I myself went thru cancer back in 1997.  Beat it.  So, It can be done, just hang in there and keep your faith.  Sounds good to me.  Take care of you for a change.  Do something good to make you feel better!  Anything!  You deserve a break.  You have too much on your shoulders, and the stress from him is not helping you to heal.  Just take a breather, somehow ok?  I hope and pray for you and all your family to get thru this rough time.  God Bless.
Michele
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Greetings,
I am updating.  I am still patiently waiting for my husband to quit his heroin use.  He has relapsed again.  I understand he feels terrible about it, and is also embarrased.  I am learning more and more from this site in particular that it is common for relapses.  Not that it is good, or anything, just common.
I completely feel for him as he in unable to sleep, he has incredible leg twitches (that I try to relieve with massage), his mood swings are almost unbearable at times, he has his constipation issues all over again, etc.
I am really concerned that his heroin and then suboxen use is his new norm for living.
He cleans up from heroin with his suboxen, and then gets off the suboxen in his own way, and when he begins to feel any type of withdrawal, he is back on his heroin again.  His associations with fellow drug users have been detrimental to his sobriety.  He cannot quit and be around the drug users without using himself.  He will not admit to it though.
He is so frustrating for me. My therapist has really gone to great lengths to aid me in dealing with this.  My church prays for my family.  My daughter has her own therapist and psychiatrist as well.  She has been able to keep her grades up despite all the crap in her life, but she has her bad, dark days just like me.  We both suffer so much from living with a heroin addict.  Especially one in denial as much as he is.
Mostly, my husband continues to deny using.  It is so evident though.  His pupils do not lie.  His symptoms do not lie.  Only his mouth lies.
I have purchased an at home drug test for multiple drugs. I picked one that had mostly various opiates and cocaine.  When I receive it in the mail, I plan to approach him and ask that he please **** test for me if he denies using again.  I will see myself if he comes up clean or not.
I do have some of my dark days still, but with my coping skills I received from my therapist, I am dealing with it all a bit better.
I had applied for a position with the Allegheny County Health Department here in Pittsburgh, and I had my exam this morning.  If my exam is favorable, I will be notified by mail as to whether or not I can have an interview.  It is quite a lengthy process, but I think it could be worth it for me to have this job.
In the interim, I have appealed the denial of SSDI with a lawyer, and I understand the hearing is within 20 days.  If I am able to receive SSDI benefits, I would greatly appreciate the help.  I am unsure now as to whether or not I will leave my husband.  I have grown to have such compassion for him in his struggle with addiction that I am almost feeling guilty if I do leave him to his own devices.  I just don't know yet.  I do know I love him, I do know this is so painful on so many levels.  I want to let you and everyone else know that I could not have grown to be who I am right now in this addiction process without the help of all of you and this phenomenal website.
Thank you, God Bless you, please pray for me.
MJ
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I am so glad to hear from you.You seem to be coping in your own way.
One has to deal with things in the best way they know.
Your approach is sensible and perhaps when you get financial independence you will have other options.
How is your own health?
You are just as important as anyone else in your family.
Sending you love and strength
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MJ,
I am very sorry you are going threw this .Your own health problems are scary enough you are the one that needs the support right now .My son had cancer at 8 years old so I know who scary it can be. I know you get check ups and I know you husband says he only sniffs and smokes herion in most case people that use H end up shooting it at some point {not everyone } we do have at least two members here that have never shot it up .However in most case h users do and there are serous illness i am sure you are aware of that come with IV drug use so just plz take care of you ....I hope it gets better I will send prayers you way
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Thank you for your post!  It is always a pleasure to get a mesage or post from you.
I hope all is well with you today.  As I am sure it is.  If not, let me know, and I will pray for you.  
I am very pleased to tell you my health is not too bad.  I do not get nearly as sick as I used to prior to my cancer therapies.  I do get some radiating pain that originates from my chest, however, it does not become such a burden that I am in the hospital again as a result of it all.  I can be grateful for that.  I have my bad mental days here, and I am trying my best to stay in control with what is happening around me. I do what I can with the things I can control, and what I have no control over, I pray and pray that I respond in a way that will not be detrimental to myself or my daughter/s.  My isues with my husband's grug abuse has not subsided.  He has only chosen to keep better secrets from me now.
Today I received my at home drug test, and I plan to ask him to test for me so I can see for myself that he is "clean".  
I had an echocardiogram this morning due to my rapid heart rate. At rest, it ranges around 105-140.  I see my PCP next week to go over the results of today's test.
I wish you all the best Miss Pharma9.  I am here if you need me.  
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Thank you for your kindness and thoughts. I am sorry to read about your son who suffered cancer at the tender age of 8. I am wishing he has receovered incredibly and is doing all and anything he wants to do today cancer free.
I am definately hearing what you are telling me with regards to my husband.  I am sure you may actually be correct, even though he has denied shooting up his heroin.  I found a bag of syringes in my kitchen drawer once I was discharged from the hospital months ago.  I can't believe I didn't think too much of it.  Your post, and my memory is haunting me now.  It is quite possible he may have already been shooting at this point.  He tells me only the least of what he wants me to know with regards to his drug useage.
I appreciate your prayers for me, and I am doing my best to keep my health up.
I pray for you and your family.  

God Bless.  
MJ
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I wish you luck in your job application.It will be good for you to have a job that provides some income and probably health insurance.It will also provide you with distractions and keep your mind busy .
I pray that you will get this job and wish the best for you.
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MJ I was wondering about you and how things are going there with you.  You have been in my prayers since I first read your post, and I will continue to pray for you to get healthy from your medical problems, and for your husband to at least talk to you about his addiction.  I am so sorry you are having to deal with this when you are ill.  It really breaks my heart.  I know how bad cancer is, I've had it.  But to have to deal with an addict at the same time, I can only imagine how hard it is.

Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and your family and hoping things change for the better soon for you all :)
Take care and God Bless You!
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MJ~   You sound stronger to me!!!    You're looking ahead...and that's good. It's baby steps for you.  The job sounds good...another small step that will pay off.  
I think your attitude is better because you're feeling better,huh?      You can't change your husband but you CAN work around it.  So many people do...they just lead parallel
lives.  It's the best you can do...
Good luck with the PCP appt.  And definitely post about the drug test...oh...to be a fly on the wall for that!!  LOL
Love~~Vicki
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Thank you for your best wishes towards me getting the job I had applied for.  I have not yet heard from the health department.  I hope when I do it will be good news.  Then I can try to work through the dreaded health insurance for employees issue.  Just because a job offers health insurance does not guarantee that the health provider will accept me as one of their policy holders.  I will definately need divine intervention for that.  I am simply hoping for a job at this point to get me out of the house, and to begin the slow process of becoming independent of my husband.  I do appreciate all of your prayers and kind thoughts and wonderful letters/posts you send to me.  For that I pray that everything will come your way as well.  I want to let you know I pray for you, and when I pray, I ask that all of your needs are met with God's grace, and you want for nothing.  Let me know if there is something more specific I can pray for you for.  So far, all I know is you care so much for others, and I have no idea if you need support and friendship to help you get through things that are not so good in your life.  I would be "there" for you if you do need the help.  Thank you and I wish you the best.
MJ
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Thank you for your kind post to me.  I want to let you know I am so appreciative of your thoughts and prayers.
It is incredible to know a good friend like you has beaten CANCER!!!!  That in itself is phenomenal, and it brings me up whenever I think of it.  So, thank you.  It is inspirational to me.  
Living with an addict especially one in denial, (again), is a bit frustrating.
I try to work around it.  I cannot allow it to change my attitude, or especially bring me down to the point of mental breakdown.  IT is a challenge, and I love the prayers because I feel it works. I have to do the best I can in this situation because it isn't just me living with this, it is my daughter as well.  
I too lived with addicted parents as a teenager, I know that.  The big difference was that my parents never lied and tried to deceive me about it, not once, not ever.  Being lied to is incredibly hard on ones self esteem.  I mean to the one who is being lied to on a daily basis.
I think I was able to get through my teenage years better because of the truth.  No matter how hard the truth is, I simply prefer the truth than to be lied to.  It is so demeaning to the person being lied to.  
I do my best to make every day as least stressful as possible to my daughter.
I do not confront my husband too much any more, because he won't be honest.
In regards to my drug test, he has told me #1) I already peed! #2) I am too busy for that now. And the most recent is to simply ignore my request to test for me.
To date, he has chosen not to test for me, nor has he chosen to be honest as to why he cannot test for me. It wasn't the repsonse I was hoping for.  I feel like since he is avoiding the drug test, he is being deceptive to me, AGAIN.
I have to focus on things that are not related to him.
That helps me to get by.
I look forward to any posts or notes I get on this site.  It empowers and strengthens me.

Michele, please let me know if there is anything I can do for you.  You have been such an incredible friend to me with all of this stuff, and I feel like I should reciprocate to you.
Please tell me if I can help you in any way.  Is there anything I can do to alleviate any of your daily stressors or worries?  I would love to have the opportunity to help you.

Take care, and God bless,
MJ
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Thank you so much for your post to me!  I know how busy you are, and I do appreciate you taking the time to drop me a post.
I agree the job seeking is baby steps towards a better mental state of mind.  I am still awaiting a letter from the health department regarding the results of my test I had to take for the open position.  I hope it is favorable.  
I am sorry to tell you the attempt at finding out for myself that Michael has remained clean like he tells me, has not worked out.  I was so hoping that he would gladly pee for me, and I would find all results were negative.  Then I would agree with him that I am being overly paranoid about my suspicioins of him using again.  It did not happen like that at all. He chooses to avoid the subject of a home test.  At first he said he had already peed.  Then he said he had no time for the test.  Now, he simply ignores me when I ask that he please test for me. He continues to deny using, but won't prove it to me with a simple urine test!  How obvious is that?!?!?!?!
I feel ok.  Not better, because I have so much pain on a regular basis now.  The chemotherapy nurses warned me that I could have pain months after the chemo, but I didn't realize how bad the pain could be.
I choose to treat it with ibuprofen.  If I need something stronger, I will cross that bridge when I get to it.  For now, ibuprofen and meditation are helping me to keep going for now.  I wish I felt better. I really beleive that the incredible stress I have been under does not help matters regarding how I feel.  I just know I have to do something about it so that the end results are more positive than they have been for me.
Having mental breakdowns are not working or helping.  So, I am trying to learn strategies to help me get through the devastation I feel when I think of things unpleasant in my life.  I am so thrilled I came across as stronger!! Thank you for noticing!  That really helps me to keep on the right path to wellness and good thoughts.
Dear Vicki, if there is anything I can do for you, please let me know.  I feel like now that I am getting a little better mentally, I need to be able to be receptive to my friends more.  I need to be able to help them like they have helped me.  You are a special friend Vicki.  If you need a prayer, or any kind of help, maybe just an ear, please let me know.  I am always here for you. Just a click away. God Bless you Vicki.  Have a terrific day today.  Love, Mj
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MJ~  Thanks for the offer!  I may take you up on that!!   You are special to me as well...
Can't explain it...just a feeling.  And I trust my feelings!!

Sorry about Michael...not a surprise though. Just work around him,as you are...
I'm sure you did great on that test!!   You are bright,girl!

Feel better. I'm sorry about the pain...I hate that!
Keep updating...I love hearing from you!

Love~Vicki
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Greetings!  I wanted to update.  I did receive the results of my nutrition test, and I was informed I am at a "ranking" of #3 in the list of almost a hundred applicants.  I am relieved to know that, but here is the odd thing.  The letter explained that they may take up to one year to offer me an interview, then I have to do the whole process again!
How odd.  I truly only answered the job offer from their own posting on their website thinking they were needing help a little sooner than a year from now or more!
Oh well. Job search has never deterred me or depressed me.  I will keep trying.

My husband allowed me to test him today.  But not after some long and heated discussion last night.  He seemed to repeatedly calm down (temporarily) only when I would tell him #1) I love him and #2) I am fighting for his sobriety.

Well Miss Vicki, you know the answer.  He was clean for everything except opiates!
I used a six panel drug screen.  Testing for cocaine, amphetamines, methamphetamines, THC, opiates and oxycontin.  
He tells me it has to be wrong.  He reassures me that the last time he used heroin was three weeks ago.  (BY THE WAY I AM ELATED THAT HE AT LEAST IS SHARING HIS USE PATTERN FINALLY WITH ME!)  Small victories, Miss Vicki.
He tells me he has only suboxin in his system.  When I researched subs coming up as opiates on a common drug panel, the answer was subs are separate than opiates, and would not show up as an opiate, only opiates show up as opiates.  He went to "work", so I will let him down gently about that when I see him again.

I had to share my feeble progress with you.  I keep trying.  I so want him to be clean.
He knows he is a better man when he is off drugs.  It has such a grip on him, and I feel bad for him.  This opiate addiction is so incredibly strong and dangerous, I applaud all of you who have sucessfully managed to break away from it's grip!  I truly believe evil is very much a part of this drug. It changes people so greatly in such a horrible way.

My PCP and my therapist are trying to make some headway with me.  I have developed such incredible pain in the past couple of weeks.  It literally wakes me up in the night, sometimes all night.  I use heatpacks and ibuprofen and that is it.  It is very hard to live with the pain.  It is in all of my joints, my arm in particular feels like it has been broken at times.  Don't worry, not my left arm.  My heart rate is incredibly high on a constant basis, and I have beta blockers to reduce my heart rate, but I have to check my blood pressure first prior to administering due to the fact that my blood pressure will drop dramatically while on the beta blocker, and my blood pressure is normal to low.  Never high.  So, since my prescription, I have only been able to take this medication once, and it lowered my heart rate by 13. (110 to 97 resting heartrate) The goal is to maintain a heart rate of 80, and no more.  I have such a ways to go with that medication. Other than that, I feel better.
Vicki, I get so strong when I visit this site.  I get so educated.  I feel like sobriety is possible, and do-able.  I am grateful to have some open communication with my husband on his useage.  Little by little I may have the complete truth and honesty from him regularly.
He asked me to please order another drug test, as he wants to prove to me he can come up clean.  I like that incentive.  It only took a little over two weeks to get him to test.  With LOTS of requests.  
I ordered the test.  I hugged him this morning, told him I love him very much, and I look at him with love and compassion and not disappointment and disgust.  I admit I was not always so supportive of him in the beginning, but this site really makes a difference for me.  I can love him while he is broken.  I can reassure him I will fight this fight with him.
I can look forward!  Just that, "look forward" now.  In the beginning, I didn't even have that glimmer of hope.
I could not have gotten through it without all of the incredible help I get from such warm and loving people.  
I will keep updating.  Love to you.
MJ
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MJ~  Hi Sweetie!
It sounds like there's some improvement here!!  God! You are so strong.
I feel badly for Michael. It truly sounds like he's trying but not. You know?  It sounds,of course,like he has some deep issues that only he can address. The drug testing is the first step.He's almost begging for help.  As addicts,we have a lot of emotional issues.
We need sooo much love. We are needy.  A lot of us are trying to get help with this and move on. It's a struggle in life. Using drugs is only a symptom.  You've educated yourself in this area. He's a fortunate man!  Have you gone to alanon? I know it helps so many families.

So,you did well on the test! It does sound curious to me as far as the job itself goes.I
just don't know what to say about that.  Keep plugging...

Your health comes first right now. I hope you get that HR down! When you do,I think the pain will decrease. I hate that you're in pain!!

It does sound like you're feeling so much better,mentally. There's always hope. We ALL
have to hang on to that. And,I think,your new approach to Michael is going to make a huge difference with him. He'll begin to feel more love and less disgust. You have to know,he doesn't like himself very much.

Keep posting,keep looking ahead. I'm around...  :)

Love and prayers~
Vicki
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Thank you for your quick response!  I had to get off the site sometime yesterday afternoon because I was overwhelmed with depression sign/symptoms.  I got very bad for me. I went to my bedroom, began some meditation and breathing exercises, as well as some attempt at changing what I was thinking in my head.  While I was doing that, my youngest daughter came into my room, and plopped on my bed.  She was concerned, she said.  So, I began talking with her.  I cried in front of her, and I think your prayers for that were very strong because when I cried, it didn't crumble her emotionally!  I was so worried that I would make matters worse by showing my girls how broken hearted I am, and thanks be to God, she remained strong, and supportive.  she mostly listened. She did not cry or break down . I was able to show my feelings in front of her, it was like I gave her strength to be strong for me.  Thanks Vicki.


I know exactly what you meant when you said "it sounds like my husband is trying, but not." Because it is exactly what I think as well.  He wants to do what I need from him in order for me to want to stay, but his willingness to stay close to heroin's grip keeps him from making that commitment 100%.  It is sad for him.  I know he is not proud of himself, for sure.  You are absolutely correct.

It makes me wonder more and more if we shouldn't do this to one another.  What I mean by that is....I want HIM TO CHANGE, and yet, I think he would LOVE FOR ME TO CHANGE in a way that I either blindly accept his heroin addiction, or join him in his heroin addiction.  

I cannot do it HIS way, I won't.  It is so ingrained in me from my youth, that no one will ever see me hooked on that crap. So, then I think to myself, I may not be correct in trying to get him to clean up. I mean, he doesn't want to avoid his "triggers", he doesn't want to go to a N/A meeting, he doesn't even want to see this site. He is telling me something. I think.
Or, it MAY be his deep emotional issues.  It may be something so powerful that he only gets relief when he is on that high, and he TRULY IS BEGGING FOR HELP because he has such a weakness for leaning towards the drug, that he is almost powerless to TRY to avoid it 100%.

I have no job.  I am waiting to find out about my SSDI appeal.  I cannot move into the home I DO OWN, because I have a tenant with a lease that is not finished until the end of September.  I can only move into my home for October 1st.  Even then, I have a monthly mortgage on that home, and without any income whatsoever, I will lose that home if I try to live there with no income.  Worst case scenario is I stay with my husband until the end of September.  I have not discussed that with him.  

I just know that until I have some acceptable way of leaving this home, I must try to do what I can every single day to make sure my husband reaches sobriety and honesty for himself.  I think it would be a waste of my time in my marriage if I didn't try to help him get clean while I am here. (I also wonder if it doesn't even matter what I do, because HE MAY NOT WANT TO GET CLEAN.)  
I hope and pray he wants to get clean.  When I think about how futile my efforts are because he will not stop until he hits bottom, or loses me, it makes me very depressed, very saddened. It gets very dark for me.
While I am here, I must, for my own mind, keep thinking there is hope for him, (and I), because our marriage is hinging on his actions.

Your sweet words, and upbeat outlook for me is a breath of fresh air Miss Vickie.  I have some renewed sense of self right now just becuse I read your post. You make that much of a difference in my life. Thank you, girl.
God bless you!  Look forward to getting a post from you anytime.
Love,
MJ
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MJ    I do not like those dark thoughts you are having...I mean it!!  If I could reach over and hug you...God!!  You need it...

Listen...You are both so powerless under this addiction BUT there are some positives here:  YOU are clean. You have your beautiful girls. You have shelter. For now, that's going to have to be enough.  I say this because you are struggling with an illness that I am VERY familiar with,as you know.  You need to find some peace inside yourself and stop focusing on trying to fix Michael. I know you find this against your marriage vows
but you said those vows under God,not Satan.  MJ, your life needs to be as stress free as possible right now. It's important to your recovery. Are you seeing a therapist?
I don't like the physical pain you're having,nor do I like those "dark thoughts".  Take care of yourself !!!!

Michael may come to his own admission. HE has to do that. He knows when he admits
his addictition he will be stepping in to hell,and it will be a step UP ! He knows this.

You take care of YOU.  I mean this MJ. I can't say this enough to you !!    Stop working on Michael.  You live there,be nice,you love him,that's it !!!

Post back to me,girl..

Vicki  xo
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All I can say now is LOVE YOU.  THANK YOU, and YES MA'AM.

I will pull off.  I mean it.  I ordered the second drug test as he requested. And until it arrives, and he wants to test again, I will not speak one word of getting clean with him again.  
I can let go and let God.
It WILL definately help me strengthen myself for MYSELF during this time.

I pray for you Vicki, and I just KNOW it will all be fine as long as people like you are here on this earth for people like me.

Love,
MJ
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Yeah you never want to go down his path .First off you are 100% right sub does not come up as an opiate it won't even come up on a normal drug test u have to have a special test . I am sure by now you have most likely discussed this with him .It very important you do .He needs to take accountability for his addiction and come clean .This of course is easy for me to say not so easy for himLOL.I would want to hear from him yes he has used recently .Here is my thought if he really wants to get clean he will be honest. I fear he is just telling you what you want to hear.It amazing how selfish addicts can be. You have cancer and he is more worried about his drugs .You have all of us to help you threw this lean on everyone you need too . We are here for you ....
avis
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Good Girl  !!!

Step away for a while...let yourself smile and even laugh...

Avis is right...lean on everyone you need to . We are strong together.   Also,MJ, you are so bright and lovely. You have much to offer...post to folks on the forum and get
sharing all your wisdom and personal experience.  There's much healing in that...

Love~ Vicki
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Stories like this make me cry!  I am a fixer, and I wish I could fix this, however until he gets ready to stop there is really not anything you can do.  Like I said yesterday......you need to take care of YOU!  That's it!  IT!!!  Don't worry about what's going on with him today.  Take today to take care of yourself.  Go for walk or just do something to get some air and a fresh outlook.  Things are TOO dark right now.  You need some air and light!  Just tell yourself that you will worry about it later, and try to get it out of your mind for a little bit.  It may help you physically and mentally, which is my concern right now!
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I have been offering only love and support to my husband. He told me this morning he feels so STRONG!  
He even told me in a feeble way this morning that he will tell his "toxic friend" that he will not need him for "work" much longer.  I can't let it get me TOO THRILLED because I wonder if he really will do that, FOR HIMSELF!  
But, good news, (even if it is small), is good news.

I saw my therapist yesterday, and I realize just how fragile my mental state really is still.
I try to think strong.  I try to think positive.  I need you and all my friends here so very much. My therapist tells me to "not think about leaving my husband", at least not right now.  I have told him that I think I can really get better mentally if I were able to get away from living with this, and he tells me that I need to work on my coping skills still, and try to live with the situation if I can.

Boy, does that confuse me!

Today is a bit hard on me.  

I have a 19 year old daughter, who recently, 3/26/10 gave up her healthy baby girl for adoption.  It was difficult enough to have to accept her choice and give her support.  But, yesterday she saw HER therapist.  (I had been asking her to get counseling for two years now), and apparently her therapist recommended that Sarah pursue her options of having her child back based on their conversations.  
It is a bit to handle.  I am elated.  I am so supportive.
In the next breath, my girl starts to express her fear that she may not be able to handle having her child back, and she is having extreme doubts even though she is only considering having her child back!
This became so frustrating for me.  As my heart is breaking still.

I told her this....."If you are having any doubts whatsoever, then please leave well enough alone" "Leave her where she is", "If you feel like you want to fight for your child, and have no reservations whatsoever, then I want you to get your baby back".

I cannot make any decisions for her, I can only try to keep my heart from going through a rollercoaster of ups and downs as she sorts out her feelings of depression.

My daughter is worried that her boyfriend, (and father of her child) will reject her if she chooses to get her baby back.  I told her that if she really wants to be a mom, and get her child, YES it will be a struggle, all parenting is a strugle.  There are no guarantees that things will be completely smooth for her if she gets her baby back as all of us who have kids know that there is no perfectly EASY DAYS in rearing a child.  It is apparent that her boyfriend will walk away from the responsibility of parenting.  My daughter will have to sort out what she feels is most important.  Her child that she apparently desperately wants, or her boyfriend that she wants.  

I have no idea what happened in that therapy session, but it has trickled to me, and my mind and heart is mush today.  

I need so many prayers, on so many levels.  Thank you for your prayers.  I love you.
MJ
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Thank you for your post!  I read it and completely agree.

I did speak with him about his failing his drug test, and that subs will not come up as an opiate.  He then confessed to me what I had been suspecting.  That he HAD been recently using.  As soon as three days prior, which may really mean yesterday in truth.

He did ask for another test.  I ordered it.  I received it yesterday.  I told him this morning I would like to test him again.  

He was very optimistic in the fact that he states he feels so much stronger in his quest to quit this time.  (I have been giving him vitamins, and getting him vitamin water, and mixing up juice drinks that I make with my recently purchased "Jack La Lane Juicer".  The fresh juicing that the machine makes is incredible.  I make a concoction called "Power Up", it has spinach, cucumber, carrots, green pepper and an apple in it.  I know it sounds yucky, but the flavor is REALLY good.  My husband says when he drinks it, he really feels so good inside.
I try.  I also of course drink my juices for me as well.
In the mornings before school, my 16 year old anticipates my making yet a new juice drink combination every day.  This morning was two oranges, one apple, 15 to 20 strawberries and a carrot.  I make enough for the three of us.  

Avisg, you are so helpful to me.  I will rely on you wonderfully, caring people.  I want so much to tell you good things, positive things.  I strive for it with every day I am alive.
When my days are dark, I read the things you all write, and it helps so much.

I am doing my best to "care for me".  I can thank you all for "making" me stop and care for me.  I love you for that.

God bless, I will look forward to sharing good things with you all.
Love,
MJ
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Your love in your words make ME cry.  I don't want to be someone who upsets such a beautiful soul like yours.  Please forgive me.

I definately can see you are a "fixer" because you help to fix me.

I have been keeping myself busy lately.  I have been painting the bedroom that my oldest used to live in.  It was so messy and filthy.  I have it looking so clean and sparkly now.  
I have been doing some gardening also.  I planted lots of stuff that already have come up. Radishes, turnips, broccoli, carrots, tomatos, oregano, mint, chamomile, squash, zucchini and a couple of flowering plants too.  It keeps me busy.  I take my dog for walks when the weather permits. I meditate, and I take my vitamins as well.

I realize a big "trigger" for my depression is the realization that my husband may not ever really want to get clean.  So, all of your advice to pull away from the concern for him is absolutely correct, and I am doing my best to do so.

I hope your day today is excellent for you.  I look forward to seeing all and any of your posts.  I love you and wish only the best for you, my friend.
Love,
MJ
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Hi MJ~   It just goes on and on,huh?   Such is life...  You gave your daughter good advice.  She'll come to her decision on her own but I know it must be hard for you.  :(

Yes,good news with Michael...time will tell.

I agree with your therapist!

Keep the communication open with your daughter;she's got a tough one there...

My prayers always~
Love you,too!
Vicki
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Oh yes, in my world it does go on and on!  I think about the old saying that "God doesn't give you any more than you can handle".  Wow, I can't believe God has so much faith in me to handle things like what I have to bear.

On the one hand I think, OK, I can get through this.  On the other hand I think, this will surely be the death of me.

I don't know if you can relate, my dear friend.  It is ok, I hope and pray you never have to feel and see the things I have felt and seen.

I am hoping your day is sunny today.  I am hoping your body feels excellent.  I am hoping you have sufficient love and support for you today.  I hope your thoughts are all strong and positively calming for you.  You are a source of strength for so many of us, and we need you.  I need you.

I love your response.  I take what you write to me very seriously.  I know what you advise to me is "right on".  Thank you.  

Love,
MJ
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Today I almost fell to the floor.  My husband tested negative for opiates!  I was elated.

Thank God.

He must take this victory and try to have it continue for both of our sakes.  I am working on NA meeting/s.  I think if he comes to just one, he may not think so badly of them.

Pray for me. Pray for us. Thank you.
Love,
MJ
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Bless your sweet heart!  I am so happy for him. (AND YOU!)  That is wonderful news!

Prayers for you tonight!

TH
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MJ,
I am so happy to hear that it is a step in the right direction,I think trying an na meeting would be a great idea I hope he agrees. Keep us in the loop....
avis
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