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1237997 tn?1272128418
How can I deal with this?
My husband recently (four days ago) admitted to me that he was a heroin "user".  He claims he is not addicted.  He has been using heroin for years now.  He showed me a "medical file" in which almost a year ago, 4/9/09 he went to a local treatment facility as an outpatient.  He was given a "3 day supply of suboxone" and he had to keep appointments, which he never did.  My 16 year old daugher is the one who kept persistently telling me he was on heroin.  A few years ago, when my 19 year old was still living with us, he apparently admitted to her he was using heroin.  All these years, and even his outpatient clinic stint, and he never admitted anything to me.
Even the day before when I had been reading your posts, I had him leave work early to come home before my 16 year old got home so I could talk with him.  He blatantly denied using.  He even lied to me and said he never carries it with him.  The next morning my 16 year old asked me to look through the garbage.  She said he was acting suspicious and he went to the garbage and threw something away.  I went to the garbage and founf six bags of wax paper bags labeled "king Kong" and his straw.  That is when he finally admitted he was using.  The very next day, he denied everything again, including this morning.  
He often has pinpoint pupils and gets very tired and nods out at inappropriate times,  He has incredibly bad constipation and takes all of his medical advice from his junkie friends. Never from me.  I am a nurse for over twenty years.  I never worked in community health, or drug rehab facilities, and I was so unaware of all the signs and symptoms until recently.
Last year in late July I was diagnosed with cancer.  I am not allowed to work as a nurse, and I have been without any income for over six months.  My husband works for himself.  He chooses his own hours, and rarely gives me money to live on. I have no where to go.  I cannot leave as I cannot afford to do anything until I get cleared from my oncologist.  Even then, I am unsure as to whether I can ohld a job or not.  
Please can you help me deal with this?  I have tried to tolerate this, but I am going through so much myself, I get so overwhelmed.
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1237997 tn?1272128418
I had FAITH in you Cirene!  I knew you cared.  I really did.  Forgive me, but I still don't understand what 'op" means.  I will look up kajama on the internet. I am so ignorant, and my mind is a bit of  mess.  Please understand that I don't understand.
I am not worried about any authorities and my girl.  I just literally found out in the beginning of this month, and have already begun a process to help my girl heal.  I don't think anyone with authority would place any blame on me for not choosing to leave my home, but I understand your concern.
Keep on keeping on Cirene.  Just explain yourself exactly the way you do.  If some of us don't understand you, it may just be our minds are not where yours is, and you will have to forgive us. OK?  I can honestly tell you my mind is mush lately.
Thank you for writing to me, every time you write to me it is a blessing.  Just like when all the other wonderful people write.  It does not go unappreciated.
Your prayers for my family are exactly what I need.  So, thank you kindly my friend.
All the best to you.  I hope you are well.  I don't want to keep jammering about myself, as everyone else on this forum is so incredibly important too.
I pray for you too Cirene.
Love,
MJ
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1240909 tn?1313715825
'Op' means 'original poster' or 'original post.'
'Kajama' is another member I was referring to.  

And I apologize for all that!  I'm a forumoholic.  I forget that not everyone uses chat lingo.  I'll need to work on this lol.

hugz 2 u 4 sure

:)

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1240909 tn?1313715825
baahgh!

Chat lingo / forum lingo - same thing.

I demand 'edit' buttons.  :p
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1237997 tn?1272128418
Today is dismal.  I had my PET scan, and saw a therapist.  I didn't really get much out of the visit, but I told him all the truth.
I will see my oncologist on Thursday.  I need to be able to see some light in this dark tunnel, and I just can't right now.
I am sorry.
mj
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MJ~~
Did they say anything after the PET scan?  Any indication as to whether treatment is working?  Usually they don't say anything but I was just wondering...
Oh...you sure have a bucketload to deal with,Sweetie.  I understand that you don't feel like talking. You sound depressed. I know how that goes...Please get some rest and go easy on yourself.  Get in touch when you can...
Love and prayers~Vicki
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699217 tn?1323442300
I just finished reading all the posts on this thread, took me awhile, there are alot.  I just wanted you to know you are in my prayers and I hope and pray also for your husband to have strength, it takes alot of that to go through cancer with someone you love.  Just remember to keep up hope and know we are all praying for you.  Loss for words.
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1240909 tn?1313715825
We're all entitled to have our funk days.  And sometimes (for me anyways,) attempting to fight them off makes things worse.  So I 'hide under my blanket,' so to speak.

I'm very glad you got to a therapist.  I hope he / she's a good one.  Remember you should be able to call on them anytime you're in a rough spot and need to talk.  That's part of their job.  And of course, don't forget the free help you'll get here!

Hope you start to feel a bit better soon.  ♥
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1237997 tn?1272128418
Optimism is a thought.  I try, It gets difficult.  I am not the same in every way since the chemo, all the PET scans, I have had four now, I get injected with radioactive material that is kept in a locked thick metal box.  (Do you realize how poisonous it is?) Then, I get injected with contrast dye that is also not good for my body.  After the PET scans, I ache all day, and I can feel the crap in my veins and it is a feeling that is abnormal.  Perhaps that is why I get "plague ridden with self-pity". (In your words.)
You are truly a confrontational person to me.  Please cease to read my posts.  Feel free to never write to me again.
I am trying to "vent", "unload" etc.  If you perceive it as me seeking pity, you are so very wrong.
I feel like a completely different person since my cancer and treatments, and the realization that my husband is in denial with his addiction. This, compiled with no money, and no way out gets me to feel the way I do.
I suppose I do define myself by my husband's weaknesses right now.  That is what prompted me to post to begin with.
He is the "head of my little household".  I have been grossly betrayed and disappointed by him.  
Do you have any ideas as to how I can get away from him without an income?
I am sure you don't.  
Leave me alone nvfox.
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1237997 tn?1272128418
I usually do not get any answer to my PET scans on the day they are performed,
Tomorrow I see my oncologist.  I will find out what the tumor looks like at that time.  I plan to spend quite some time with him.
I do believe my therapist is helpful.  He is a male, and has had a lot of experience with post-chemo patients and cancer.  He seemed to understand my mental state.  He is located in my cancer treatment center, so he deals with people who have gone through what I have gone through.  He agreed like all of you special, wonderful people that I am also undergoing a bit more stress in my life with my husband's issues.  He chose not to address them in the session I went to on Monday, except for the fact that he wanted to share my "husband's secret" with all of my doctors.  He of course, asked my permission, and he was positive that it is imperative that my physicians all know about it so they could take "my load" into consideration with regards to my healing.  I did accept his advice, and I have no idea where that will go.
My husband does not know I have sought some therapy, but he has decided not to speak with me about whether he has more suboxen or has gone back to heroin anymore.  I am cut off communication. AGAIN.  That is so hurtful.  He states that my asking about it makes him just go out and do some more.  He just told me that last night. SURE!  It has NOTHING to do with the fact that he continues to associate with all of his junkie friends on a daily basis, and chooses to not attend one N/A meeting.
A friend on this site who has a lot of experience with opiate addiction told me frankly to SPLIT if my husband does not want to get himself clean.  Boy do I wish I could.

I do feel if I could remove myself from this situation, I would be more likely to heal. Emotionally and spiritually.  I WOULD HAVE NO ONE TO DISAPPOINT ME BUT MYSELF.  
It isn't happening anytime soon, and yes, I am depressed over it.  Vicki, you are a great strength for me.  I thank you for all of your kindness.
Love,
MJ

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1237997 tn?1272128418
Thank you for your kind words, Michele.  I apologize for my incredibly sad situation.  I think from nvfox's comments to me, I am definately giving other people "my problems" just by sharing them.
Please pray for my family.  If my husband continues his path, please pray that I can remove myself from this situation permanently.
God Bless and Thank you.
MJ
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1237997 tn?1272128418
Hey girl!  Thanks for your post to me.  I so understand about hiding under the blanket so to speak.  I can't.  I have so many appointments on a weekly basis, I never cnacel any of them.  Plus, my daughter's expect me to still be their "rock".
It has been such a difficult task for me, and I wish I had support from my husband while I am trying to get through my cancer diagnosis to find out my prognosis. I do not have his support as he is  occupied with his friends and drugs. Such is my life.
I do welcome all your posts, Cirene.  I know you mean the best for me and I appreciate that.
God Bless you honey.
MJ
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Hang in there girlie...you are fighting a battle that is even harder than opiate addiction.You are literally fighting for your life.
You are allowed to feel unsure of yourself considering the position you are in.
I think you are doing a tremendous job and showing superhuman strength in your fight.
It is such a shame that your husband is not there for you,but maybe he just can't face it.Instead of showing emotion maybe he is hiding in his addiction.
I wish you the best in everything and that you will heal from this disease.
Love and kisses to you on ST.Patricks Day.
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I know it's an impossible situation right now. I feel badly...there just is not an imminent
solution.  You have to take things day by day now.  Your girls are big...I know they need their Mom(I have a 19 year old daughter) but I think it's okay to share with them some of your feelings as far as illness goes. They could be a huge support right now. Maybe give them a chance to be grown up. They're almost there!  Just a thought...
They may be waiting for you to ask!  Who knows?
You are always in my prayers.  This forum IS a place to reach out for help. I'm sure most of us are not burdened by this.  We've all had our troubles and can so relate...
Love~Vicki
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1237997 tn?1272128418
Top of the mornin' to ya!  
Thank you for your post!  You are such a kind soul, Miss Pharma9.  You should be in the nursing profession as you are so in tune with other people simply by the words they write.  I can only imagine how much help you would be to people when you are face to face with them.
Yes, I agree my husband might be hiding his emotion with his addiction.  I SO AGREE!  I know he has been using long before my diagnosis though.  So I am thinking his pain has very little to do with me.  Or, he may have been using because he hates me so much, and prefers to live in a clouded fog with heroin highs rather than just sit down with me and tell me it is over.  I would so much prefer the painful truth than being "snowed" with lies and deceit.
I feel like it is over.  I am genuinely OK with that.  I wish I could leave.

Him cutting me off of any type of communication regarding his using does sink in to me that he has more to hide I suppose.  It is so unfair that he does that to me, yet he shares who knows what with his drug using friend.  You know?  His friend knows every time Mike uses, his friend may even know why he uses.  His friend doesn't care other than to make sure my husband is around with his bank card and ability to score drugs.  I am around however, because I loved him.  I committed to a life with him in a church before God.  I don't understand the inequity of it.

I am sleeping less and less.  These past few days this week so far, I may have had about five hours of sleep in all.  I know it isn't good to lose sleep, but my situation is such that I can't help it. I choose not to ask for ambien or anything.  I am so afraid of putting yet even more drugs in my system other than the poisons I have been subjected to.  My PCP did prescribe me Wellbutrin, and in my last visit to her last week, she increased the dose.  I am still quite anxious.  She also prescribed vitamin D and she wants to start me on vitamin B-12 shots regularly, but my oncologist has objected to that for now.  I am unsure as to why.  I have so many questions to cover with him tomorrow.
You are one of my blessings from God Pharma9.  Thank you for everything.  AND HAPPY ST. PATTY'S DAY TO YOU AS WELL! No green beer for me.
Love,
MJ
All I can ask for is prayer.
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There is some theory that b12 may actually feed a cancer(in layman's terms) and Vitamin D may help prevent it.So I agree with the doctor's decision.
That is why I did not suggest any herbal or even vitamins to you because oncologists usually do not allow them except magnesium which is depleted during chemo.
I would only take the things the oncologist suggests.
You are always in my prayers and thoughts and remember ...cancer CAN be beaten.
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MJ iwould just like you to know that we will be here for you whenever you need us.You my friend are going through some tough times. How are you today MJ hope you feel a wee bit better than the other day.As i think you know MJ some things will have to change. And i will pray that the do. You desserve to be happy and to enjoy  life .We think you are an amazing and brave girl. God Bless you MJ   James

P.S Kim was writing to you on saturday when the pc crashed. Shes at the hospital just now, but i was to tell you if she feels okay she wil write you tonight !!!
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1237997 tn?1272128418
Girl, I love and trust your advice.  I will do as you write.  I hope I can speak the right words to my girls.  They know what I am going through, but yes, you are right.  I have not asked for THEM TO HELP ME yet.  I will do so today.
I hope my problems are not a burden.  I do not want to make anyone worry or lose sleep for me.  I just wanted to know a couple of things about my husband;s drug habit, and the posts just grew and grew from such incredible caring and loving people!  You, my dear are one of the big ones.  You all are my gift from God, and that is my spiritual strength for now.  THANK YOU!
Love,
MJ
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MJ~~   Don't worry about the words.  If they come from your heart(which they will) they will be perfect.  If you don't say anything or ask for help the girls and others will think you're fine.  They want to;they may be in a kind of denial which is normal.  You know:  "Well,Mom didn't say anything so she's good".   Just asking for some help at home is a help..Laundry,simple meals etc..     Sweetie,you're sick right now from everything you've been through and you're tired from EVERYTHING.  The strongest person would just take to their bed for a good,long time!!!

I hope, so very much,that your oncology visit goes well tomorrow.  Please,God,let Mary Jane hear some wonderful news. She's tried so hard and she is truly good and deserving. Please help her to be well.

Vicki  xo
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1237997 tn?1272128418
Your posts is so caring and special.
Thank God for people like you.
My oncology appointment went good/bad.  Good news is my PET scan showed no new cencerous cell acticity.  Bad news is I still have my tumor, but it is "small" now.
I am at a severe crossroads, and it doesn't look promising for me.  The doctor would not give me an order to remove my PICC line, and yet, he actually "cleared" me for work as a nurse again.
It sounds like good news, but I am terrified. I don't feel so healthy, and I get panic attacks.  My heart still gets incredibly symptomatic.  My biggest fear is finding a job that offers health benefits, but I get rejected because of my new "chronic diagnosis" of cancer.  It has happened to many people before.
I still have my husband who most likely is using, and in constant denial. I don't know that for sure because he will not discuss his "anything" with me anymore.  I am wishing I were dead.  Really.
I have my daughters to help.  I have all my friends on this site to help me.  
I am not sure if I can even hold a job in nursing anymore.  I always had such a positive outlook in life no matter what I was given, but this cancer and substance abuse has really hit me hard.  
So, I know I need to keep thinking positively.  I know that.  
I must fight my fears and worries.  I can do this. I think. I am tired.
Your prayers are answered for me,  I believe no new cancerous activity in my mediastinal area is incredible!  Even though my tumor has not been eradicated. I have been told it is "smaller".  So, I will be able to breathe and not have a swollen face when I wake up.  I need to keep thinking positive, I must keep my heart from acting up.  Your prayers and love will get me through all of this.  I can beat all of it.
Love,
MJ
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Yes,MJ,you will beat it all!  Just keep your focus on yourself and the girls...My Mom always said "The Lord doesn't give us such a burden that we can't handle".  Those words have always helped me to be strong,especially in the darkest days...
I think your Dr. visit went well!  Is he planning more treatment for the "small" tumor?
If there is no cancerous activity...that's very good!!  The small tumor may be "inhibited" now!   Think positive !!!  But, you need rest and less stress. You know that...like a few days with no running around etc...You've been through a lot physically.
That's what concerns me right now...

You're in my prayers~~

Love~Vicki
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Thank you for letting us know about your scan,I am glad that there is no further cancer activity.Go with the good news and you can have a renewed vigor for life.
I understand your confusion on how to react.But it definitely is good news that the tumor has not grown.
Perhaps work although physically hard,may help distract you from your problems and give you some financial independence.
Maybe you can start slowly part time while you heal and get stronger.
I am always thinking about you and sending you my love
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699217 tn?1323442300
Im sending my prayers your way too MJ..Im so glad to hear you have no new cancer cells.  I myself went thru cancer back in 1997.  Beat it.  So, It can be done, just hang in there and keep your faith.  Sounds good to me.  Take care of you for a change.  Do something good to make you feel better!  Anything!  You deserve a break.  You have too much on your shoulders, and the stress from him is not helping you to heal.  Just take a breather, somehow ok?  I hope and pray for you and all your family to get thru this rough time.  God Bless.
Michele
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1237997 tn?1272128418
Greetings,
I am updating.  I am still patiently waiting for my husband to quit his heroin use.  He has relapsed again.  I understand he feels terrible about it, and is also embarrased.  I am learning more and more from this site in particular that it is common for relapses.  Not that it is good, or anything, just common.
I completely feel for him as he in unable to sleep, he has incredible leg twitches (that I try to relieve with massage), his mood swings are almost unbearable at times, he has his constipation issues all over again, etc.
I am really concerned that his heroin and then suboxen use is his new norm for living.
He cleans up from heroin with his suboxen, and then gets off the suboxen in his own way, and when he begins to feel any type of withdrawal, he is back on his heroin again.  His associations with fellow drug users have been detrimental to his sobriety.  He cannot quit and be around the drug users without using himself.  He will not admit to it though.
He is so frustrating for me. My therapist has really gone to great lengths to aid me in dealing with this.  My church prays for my family.  My daughter has her own therapist and psychiatrist as well.  She has been able to keep her grades up despite all the crap in her life, but she has her bad, dark days just like me.  We both suffer so much from living with a heroin addict.  Especially one in denial as much as he is.
Mostly, my husband continues to deny using.  It is so evident though.  His pupils do not lie.  His symptoms do not lie.  Only his mouth lies.
I have purchased an at home drug test for multiple drugs. I picked one that had mostly various opiates and cocaine.  When I receive it in the mail, I plan to approach him and ask that he please **** test for me if he denies using again.  I will see myself if he comes up clean or not.
I do have some of my dark days still, but with my coping skills I received from my therapist, I am dealing with it all a bit better.
I had applied for a position with the Allegheny County Health Department here in Pittsburgh, and I had my exam this morning.  If my exam is favorable, I will be notified by mail as to whether or not I can have an interview.  It is quite a lengthy process, but I think it could be worth it for me to have this job.
In the interim, I have appealed the denial of SSDI with a lawyer, and I understand the hearing is within 20 days.  If I am able to receive SSDI benefits, I would greatly appreciate the help.  I am unsure now as to whether or not I will leave my husband.  I have grown to have such compassion for him in his struggle with addiction that I am almost feeling guilty if I do leave him to his own devices.  I just don't know yet.  I do know I love him, I do know this is so painful on so many levels.  I want to let you and everyone else know that I could not have grown to be who I am right now in this addiction process without the help of all of you and this phenomenal website.
Thank you, God Bless you, please pray for me.
MJ
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I am so glad to hear from you.You seem to be coping in your own way.
One has to deal with things in the best way they know.
Your approach is sensible and perhaps when you get financial independence you will have other options.
How is your own health?
You are just as important as anyone else in your family.
Sending you love and strength
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199177 tn?1490502134
MJ,
I am very sorry you are going threw this .Your own health problems are scary enough you are the one that needs the support right now .My son had cancer at 8 years old so I know who scary it can be. I know you get check ups and I know you husband says he only sniffs and smokes herion in most case people that use H end up shooting it at some point {not everyone } we do have at least two members here that have never shot it up .However in most case h users do and there are serous illness i am sure you are aware of that come with IV drug use so just plz take care of you ....I hope it gets better I will send prayers you way
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1237997 tn?1272128418
Thank you for your post!  It is always a pleasure to get a mesage or post from you.
I hope all is well with you today.  As I am sure it is.  If not, let me know, and I will pray for you.  
I am very pleased to tell you my health is not too bad.  I do not get nearly as sick as I used to prior to my cancer therapies.  I do get some radiating pain that originates from my chest, however, it does not become such a burden that I am in the hospital again as a result of it all.  I can be grateful for that.  I have my bad mental days here, and I am trying my best to stay in control with what is happening around me. I do what I can with the things I can control, and what I have no control over, I pray and pray that I respond in a way that will not be detrimental to myself or my daughter/s.  My isues with my husband's grug abuse has not subsided.  He has only chosen to keep better secrets from me now.
Today I received my at home drug test, and I plan to ask him to test for me so I can see for myself that he is "clean".  
I had an echocardiogram this morning due to my rapid heart rate. At rest, it ranges around 105-140.  I see my PCP next week to go over the results of today's test.
I wish you all the best Miss Pharma9.  I am here if you need me.  
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1237997 tn?1272128418
Thank you for your kindness and thoughts. I am sorry to read about your son who suffered cancer at the tender age of 8. I am wishing he has receovered incredibly and is doing all and anything he wants to do today cancer free.
I am definately hearing what you are telling me with regards to my husband.  I am sure you may actually be correct, even though he has denied shooting up his heroin.  I found a bag of syringes in my kitchen drawer once I was discharged from the hospital months ago.  I can't believe I didn't think too much of it.  Your post, and my memory is haunting me now.  It is quite possible he may have already been shooting at this point.  He tells me only the least of what he wants me to know with regards to his drug useage.
I appreciate your prayers for me, and I am doing my best to keep my health up.
I pray for you and your family.  

God Bless.  
MJ
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I wish you luck in your job application.It will be good for you to have a job that provides some income and probably health insurance.It will also provide you with distractions and keep your mind busy .
I pray that you will get this job and wish the best for you.
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699217 tn?1323442300
MJ I was wondering about you and how things are going there with you.  You have been in my prayers since I first read your post, and I will continue to pray for you to get healthy from your medical problems, and for your husband to at least talk to you about his addiction.  I am so sorry you are having to deal with this when you are ill.  It really breaks my heart.  I know how bad cancer is, I've had it.  But to have to deal with an addict at the same time, I can only imagine how hard it is.

Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and your family and hoping things change for the better soon for you all :)
Take care and God Bless You!
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MJ~   You sound stronger to me!!!    You're looking ahead...and that's good. It's baby steps for you.  The job sounds good...another small step that will pay off.  
I think your attitude is better because you're feeling better,huh?      You can't change your husband but you CAN work around it.  So many people do...they just lead parallel
lives.  It's the best you can do...
Good luck with the PCP appt.  And definitely post about the drug test...oh...to be a fly on the wall for that!!  LOL
Love~~Vicki
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1237997 tn?1272128418
Thank you for your best wishes towards me getting the job I had applied for.  I have not yet heard from the health department.  I hope when I do it will be good news.  Then I can try to work through the dreaded health insurance for employees issue.  Just because a job offers health insurance does not guarantee that the health provider will accept me as one of their policy holders.  I will definately need divine intervention for that.  I am simply hoping for a job at this point to get me out of the house, and to begin the slow process of becoming independent of my husband.  I do appreciate all of your prayers and kind thoughts and wonderful letters/posts you send to me.  For that I pray that everything will come your way as well.  I want to let you know I pray for you, and when I pray, I ask that all of your needs are met with God's grace, and you want for nothing.  Let me know if there is something more specific I can pray for you for.  So far, all I know is you care so much for others, and I have no idea if you need support and friendship to help you get through things that are not so good in your life.  I would be "there" for you if you do need the help.  Thank you and I wish you the best.
MJ
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1237997 tn?1272128418
Thank you for your kind post to me.  I want to let you know I am so appreciative of your thoughts and prayers.
It is incredible to know a good friend like you has beaten CANCER!!!!  That in itself is phenomenal, and it brings me up whenever I think of it.  So, thank you.  It is inspirational to me.  
Living with an addict especially one in denial, (again), is a bit frustrating.
I try to work around it.  I cannot allow it to change my attitude, or especially bring me down to the point of mental breakdown.  IT is a challenge, and I love the prayers because I feel it works. I have to do the best I can in this situation because it isn't just me living with this, it is my daughter as well.  
I too lived with addicted parents as a teenager, I know that.  The big difference was that my parents never lied and tried to deceive me about it, not once, not ever.  Being lied to is incredibly hard on ones self esteem.  I mean to the one who is being lied to on a daily basis.
I think I was able to get through my teenage years better because of the truth.  No matter how hard the truth is, I simply prefer the truth than to be lied to.  It is so demeaning to the person being lied to.  
I do my best to make every day as least stressful as possible to my daughter.
I do not confront my husband too much any more, because he won't be honest.
In regards to my drug test, he has told me #1) I already peed! #2) I am too busy for that now. And the most recent is to simply ignore my request to test for me.
To date, he has chosen not to test for me, nor has he chosen to be honest as to why he cannot test for me. It wasn't the repsonse I was hoping for.  I feel like since he is avoiding the drug test, he is being deceptive to me, AGAIN.
I have to focus on things that are not related to him.
That helps me to get by.
I look forward to any posts or notes I get on this site.  It empowers and strengthens me.

Michele, please let me know if there is anything I can do for you.  You have been such an incredible friend to me with all of this stuff, and I feel like I should reciprocate to you.
Please tell me if I can help you in any way.  Is there anything I can do to alleviate any of your daily stressors or worries?  I would love to have the opportunity to help you.

Take care, and God bless,
MJ
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1237997 tn?1272128418
Thank you so much for your post to me!  I know how busy you are, and I do appreciate you taking the time to drop me a post.
I agree the job seeking is baby steps towards a better mental state of mind.  I am still awaiting a letter from the health department regarding the results of my test I had to take for the open position.  I hope it is favorable.  
I am sorry to tell you the attempt at finding out for myself that Michael has remained clean like he tells me, has not worked out.  I was so hoping that he would gladly pee for me, and I would find all results were negative.  Then I would agree with him that I am being overly paranoid about my suspicioins of him using again.  It did not happen like that at all. He chooses to avoid the subject of a home test.  At first he said he had already peed.  Then he said he had no time for the test.  Now, he simply ignores me when I ask that he please test for me. He continues to deny using, but won't prove it to me with a simple urine test!  How obvious is that?!?!?!?!
I feel ok.  Not better, because I have so much pain on a regular basis now.  The chemotherapy nurses warned me that I could have pain months after the chemo, but I didn't realize how bad the pain could be.
I choose to treat it with ibuprofen.  If I need something stronger, I will cross that bridge when I get to it.  For now, ibuprofen and meditation are helping me to keep going for now.  I wish I felt better. I really beleive that the incredible stress I have been under does not help matters regarding how I feel.  I just know I have to do something about it so that the end results are more positive than they have been for me.
Having mental breakdowns are not working or helping.  So, I am trying to learn strategies to help me get through the devastation I feel when I think of things unpleasant in my life.  I am so thrilled I came across as stronger!! Thank you for noticing!  That really helps me to keep on the right path to wellness and good thoughts.
Dear Vicki, if there is anything I can do for you, please let me know.  I feel like now that I am getting a little better mentally, I need to be able to be receptive to my friends more.  I need to be able to help them like they have helped me.  You are a special friend Vicki.  If you need a prayer, or any kind of help, maybe just an ear, please let me know.  I am always here for you. Just a click away. God Bless you Vicki.  Have a terrific day today.  Love, Mj
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MJ~  Thanks for the offer!  I may take you up on that!!   You are special to me as well...
Can't explain it...just a feeling.  And I trust my feelings!!

Sorry about Michael...not a surprise though. Just work around him,as you are...
I'm sure you did great on that test!!   You are bright,girl!

Feel better. I'm sorry about the pain...I hate that!
Keep updating...I love hearing from you!

Love~Vicki
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1237997 tn?1272128418
Greetings!  I wanted to update.  I did receive the results of my nutrition test, and I was informed I am at a "ranking" of #3 in the list of almost a hundred applicants.  I am relieved to know that, but here is the odd thing.  The letter explained that they may take up to one year to offer me an interview, then I have to do the whole process again!
How odd.  I truly only answered the job offer from their own posting on their website thinking they were needing help a little sooner than a year from now or more!
Oh well. Job search has never deterred me or depressed me.  I will keep trying.

My husband allowed me to test him today.  But not after some long and heated discussion last night.  He seemed to repeatedly calm down (temporarily) only when I would tell him #1) I love him and #2) I am fighting for his sobriety.

Well Miss Vicki, you know the answer.  He was clean for everything except opiates!
I used a six panel drug screen.  Testing for cocaine, amphetamines, methamphetamines, THC, opiates and oxycontin.  
He tells me it has to be wrong.  He reassures me that the last time he used heroin was three weeks ago.  (BY THE WAY I AM ELATED THAT HE AT LEAST IS SHARING HIS USE PATTERN FINALLY WITH ME!)  Small victories, Miss Vicki.
He tells me he has only suboxin in his system.  When I researched subs coming up as opiates on a common drug panel, the answer was subs are separate than opiates, and would not show up as an opiate, only opiates show up as opiates.  He went to "work", so I will let him down gently about that when I see him again.

I had to share my feeble progress with you.  I keep trying.  I so want him to be clean.
He knows he is a better man when he is off drugs.  It has such a grip on him, and I feel bad for him.  This opiate addiction is so incredibly strong and dangerous, I applaud all of you who have sucessfully managed to break away from it's grip!  I truly believe evil is very much a part of this drug. It changes people so greatly in such a horrible way.

My PCP and my therapist are trying to make some headway with me.  I have developed such incredible pain in the past couple of weeks.  It literally wakes me up in the night, sometimes all night.  I use heatpacks and ibuprofen and that is it.  It is very hard to live with the pain.  It is in all of my joints, my arm in particular feels like it has been broken at times.  Don't worry, not my left arm.  My heart rate is incredibly high on a constant basis, and I have beta blockers to reduce my heart rate, but I have to check my blood pressure first prior to administering due to the fact that my blood pressure will drop dramatically while on the beta blocker, and my blood pressure is normal to low.  Never high.  So, since my prescription, I have only been able to take this medication once, and it lowered my heart rate by 13. (110 to 97 resting heartrate) The goal is to maintain a heart rate of 80, and no more.  I have such a ways to go with that medication. Other than that, I feel better.
Vicki, I get so strong when I visit this site.  I get so educated.  I feel like sobriety is possible, and do-able.  I am grateful to have some open communication with my husband on his useage.  Little by little I may have the complete truth and honesty from him regularly.
He asked me to please order another drug test, as he wants to prove to me he can come up clean.  I like that incentive.  It only took a little over two weeks to get him to test.  With LOTS of requests.  
I ordered the test.  I hugged him this morning, told him I love him very much, and I look at him with love and compassion and not disappointment and disgust.  I admit I was not always so supportive of him in the beginning, but this site really makes a difference for me.  I can love him while he is broken.  I can reassure him I will fight this fight with him.
I can look forward!  Just that, "look forward" now.  In the beginning, I didn't even have that glimmer of hope.
I could not have gotten through it without all of the incredible help I get from such warm and loving people.  
I will keep updating.  Love to you.
MJ
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MJ~  Hi Sweetie!
It sounds like there's some improvement here!!  God! You are so strong.
I feel badly for Michael. It truly sounds like he's trying but not. You know?  It sounds,of course,like he has some deep issues that only he can address. The drug testing is the first step.He's almost begging for help.  As addicts,we have a lot of emotional issues.
We need sooo much love. We are needy.  A lot of us are trying to get help with this and move on. It's a struggle in life. Using drugs is only a symptom.  You've educated yourself in this area. He's a fortunate man!  Have you gone to alanon? I know it helps so many families.

So,you did well on the test! It does sound curious to me as far as the job itself goes.I
just don't know what to say about that.  Keep plugging...

Your health comes first right now. I hope you get that HR down! When you do,I think the pain will decrease. I hate that you're in pain!!

It does sound like you're feeling so much better,mentally. There's always hope. We ALL
have to hang on to that. And,I think,your new approach to Michael is going to make a huge difference with him. He'll begin to feel more love and less disgust. You have to know,he doesn't like himself very much.

Keep posting,keep looking ahead. I'm around...  :)

Love and prayers~
Vicki
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1237997 tn?1272128418
Thank you for your quick response!  I had to get off the site sometime yesterday afternoon because I was overwhelmed with depression sign/symptoms.  I got very bad for me. I went to my bedroom, began some meditation and breathing exercises, as well as some attempt at changing what I was thinking in my head.  While I was doing that, my youngest daughter came into my room, and plopped on my bed.  She was concerned, she said.  So, I began talking with her.  I cried in front of her, and I think your prayers for that were very strong because when I cried, it didn't crumble her emotionally!  I was so worried that I would make matters worse by showing my girls how broken hearted I am, and thanks be to God, she remained strong, and supportive.  she mostly listened. She did not cry or break down . I was able to show my feelings in front of her, it was like I gave her strength to be strong for me.  Thanks Vicki.


I know exactly what you meant when you said "it sounds like my husband is trying, but not." Because it is exactly what I think as well.  He wants to do what I need from him in order for me to want to stay, but his willingness to stay close to heroin's grip keeps him from making that commitment 100%.  It is sad for him.  I know he is not proud of himself, for sure.  You are absolutely correct.

It makes me wonder more and more if we shouldn't do this to one another.  What I mean by that is....I want HIM TO CHANGE, and yet, I think he would LOVE FOR ME TO CHANGE in a way that I either blindly accept his heroin addiction, or join him in his heroin addiction.  

I cannot do it HIS way, I won't.  It is so ingrained in me from my youth, that no one will ever see me hooked on that crap. So, then I think to myself, I may not be correct in trying to get him to clean up. I mean, he doesn't want to avoid his "triggers", he doesn't want to go to a N/A meeting, he doesn't even want to see this site. He is telling me something. I think.
Or, it MAY be his deep emotional issues.  It may be something so powerful that he only gets relief when he is on that high, and he TRULY IS BEGGING FOR HELP because he has such a weakness for leaning towards the drug, that he is almost powerless to TRY to avoid it 100%.

I have no job.  I am waiting to find out about my SSDI appeal.  I cannot move into the home I DO OWN, because I have a tenant with a lease that is not finished until the end of September.  I can only move into my home for October 1st.  Even then, I have a monthly mortgage on that home, and without any income whatsoever, I will lose that home if I try to live there with no income.  Worst case scenario is I stay with my husband until the end of September.  I have not discussed that with him.  

I just know that until I have some acceptable way of leaving this home, I must try to do what I can every single day to make sure my husband reaches sobriety and honesty for himself.  I think it would be a waste of my time in my marriage if I didn't try to help him get clean while I am here. (I also wonder if it doesn't even matter what I do, because HE MAY NOT WANT TO GET CLEAN.)  
I hope and pray he wants to get clean.  When I think about how futile my efforts are because he will not stop until he hits bottom, or loses me, it makes me very depressed, very saddened. It gets very dark for me.
While I am here, I must, for my own mind, keep thinking there is hope for him, (and I), because our marriage is hinging on his actions.

Your sweet words, and upbeat outlook for me is a breath of fresh air Miss Vickie.  I have some renewed sense of self right now just becuse I read your post. You make that much of a difference in my life. Thank you, girl.
God bless you!  Look forward to getting a post from you anytime.
Love,
MJ
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MJ    I do not like those dark thoughts you are having...I mean it!!  If I could reach over and hug you...God!!  You need it...

Listen...You are both so powerless under this addiction BUT there are some positives here:  YOU are clean. You have your beautiful girls. You have shelter. For now, that's going to have to be enough.  I say this because you are struggling with an illness that I am VERY familiar with,as you know.  You need to find some peace inside yourself and stop focusing on trying to fix Michael. I know you find this against your marriage vows
but you said those vows under God,not Satan.  MJ, your life needs to be as stress free as possible right now. It's important to your recovery. Are you seeing a therapist?
I don't like the physical pain you're having,nor do I like those "dark thoughts".  Take care of yourself !!!!

Michael may come to his own admission. HE has to do that. He knows when he admits
his addictition he will be stepping in to hell,and it will be a step UP ! He knows this.

You take care of YOU.  I mean this MJ. I can't say this enough to you !!    Stop working on Michael.  You live there,be nice,you love him,that's it !!!

Post back to me,girl..

Vicki  xo
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1237997 tn?1272128418
All I can say now is LOVE YOU.  THANK YOU, and YES MA'AM.

I will pull off.  I mean it.  I ordered the second drug test as he requested. And until it arrives, and he wants to test again, I will not speak one word of getting clean with him again.  
I can let go and let God.
It WILL definately help me strengthen myself for MYSELF during this time.

I pray for you Vicki, and I just KNOW it will all be fine as long as people like you are here on this earth for people like me.

Love,
MJ
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199177 tn?1490502134
Yeah you never want to go down his path .First off you are 100% right sub does not come up as an opiate it won't even come up on a normal drug test u have to have a special test . I am sure by now you have most likely discussed this with him .It very important you do .He needs to take accountability for his addiction and come clean .This of course is easy for me to say not so easy for himLOL.I would want to hear from him yes he has used recently .Here is my thought if he really wants to get clean he will be honest. I fear he is just telling you what you want to hear.It amazing how selfish addicts can be. You have cancer and he is more worried about his drugs .You have all of us to help you threw this lean on everyone you need too . We are here for you ....
avis
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Good Girl  !!!

Step away for a while...let yourself smile and even laugh...

Avis is right...lean on everyone you need to . We are strong together.   Also,MJ, you are so bright and lovely. You have much to offer...post to folks on the forum and get
sharing all your wisdom and personal experience.  There's much healing in that...

Love~ Vicki
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Stories like this make me cry!  I am a fixer, and I wish I could fix this, however until he gets ready to stop there is really not anything you can do.  Like I said yesterday......you need to take care of YOU!  That's it!  IT!!!  Don't worry about what's going on with him today.  Take today to take care of yourself.  Go for walk or just do something to get some air and a fresh outlook.  Things are TOO dark right now.  You need some air and light!  Just tell yourself that you will worry about it later, and try to get it out of your mind for a little bit.  It may help you physically and mentally, which is my concern right now!
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1237997 tn?1272128418
I have been offering only love and support to my husband. He told me this morning he feels so STRONG!  
He even told me in a feeble way this morning that he will tell his "toxic friend" that he will not need him for "work" much longer.  I can't let it get me TOO THRILLED because I wonder if he really will do that, FOR HIMSELF!  
But, good news, (even if it is small), is good news.

I saw my therapist yesterday, and I realize just how fragile my mental state really is still.
I try to think strong.  I try to think positive.  I need you and all my friends here so very much. My therapist tells me to "not think about leaving my husband", at least not right now.  I have told him that I think I can really get better mentally if I were able to get away from living with this, and he tells me that I need to work on my coping skills still, and try to live with the situation if I can.

Boy, does that confuse me!

Today is a bit hard on me.  

I have a 19 year old daughter, who recently, 3/26/10 gave up her healthy baby girl for adoption.  It was difficult enough to have to accept her choice and give her support.  But, yesterday she saw HER therapist.  (I had been asking her to get counseling for two years now), and apparently her therapist recommended that Sarah pursue her options of having her child back based on their conversations.  
It is a bit to handle.  I am elated.  I am so supportive.
In the next breath, my girl starts to express her fear that she may not be able to handle having her child back, and she is having extreme doubts even though she is only considering having her child back!
This became so frustrating for me.  As my heart is breaking still.

I told her this....."If you are having any doubts whatsoever, then please leave well enough alone" "Leave her where she is", "If you feel like you want to fight for your child, and have no reservations whatsoever, then I want you to get your baby back".

I cannot make any decisions for her, I can only try to keep my heart from going through a rollercoaster of ups and downs as she sorts out her feelings of depression.

My daughter is worried that her boyfriend, (and father of her child) will reject her if she chooses to get her baby back.  I told her that if she really wants to be a mom, and get her child, YES it will be a struggle, all parenting is a strugle.  There are no guarantees that things will be completely smooth for her if she gets her baby back as all of us who have kids know that there is no perfectly EASY DAYS in rearing a child.  It is apparent that her boyfriend will walk away from the responsibility of parenting.  My daughter will have to sort out what she feels is most important.  Her child that she apparently desperately wants, or her boyfriend that she wants.  

I have no idea what happened in that therapy session, but it has trickled to me, and my mind and heart is mush today.  

I need so many prayers, on so many levels.  Thank you for your prayers.  I love you.
MJ
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1237997 tn?1272128418
Thank you for your post!  I read it and completely agree.

I did speak with him about his failing his drug test, and that subs will not come up as an opiate.  He then confessed to me what I had been suspecting.  That he HAD been recently using.  As soon as three days prior, which may really mean yesterday in truth.

He did ask for another test.  I ordered it.  I received it yesterday.  I told him this morning I would like to test him again.  

He was very optimistic in the fact that he states he feels so much stronger in his quest to quit this time.  (I have been giving him vitamins, and getting him vitamin water, and mixing up juice drinks that I make with my recently purchased "Jack La Lane Juicer".  The fresh juicing that the machine makes is incredible.  I make a concoction called "Power Up", it has spinach, cucumber, carrots, green pepper and an apple in it.  I know it sounds yucky, but the flavor is REALLY good.  My husband says when he drinks it, he really feels so good inside.
I try.  I also of course drink my juices for me as well.
In the mornings before school, my 16 year old anticipates my making yet a new juice drink combination every day.  This morning was two oranges, one apple, 15 to 20 strawberries and a carrot.  I make enough for the three of us.  

Avisg, you are so helpful to me.  I will rely on you wonderfully, caring people.  I want so much to tell you good things, positive things.  I strive for it with every day I am alive.
When my days are dark, I read the things you all write, and it helps so much.

I am doing my best to "care for me".  I can thank you all for "making" me stop and care for me.  I love you for that.

God bless, I will look forward to sharing good things with you all.
Love,
MJ
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1237997 tn?1272128418
Your love in your words make ME cry.  I don't want to be someone who upsets such a beautiful soul like yours.  Please forgive me.

I definately can see you are a "fixer" because you help to fix me.

I have been keeping myself busy lately.  I have been painting the bedroom that my oldest used to live in.  It was so messy and filthy.  I have it looking so clean and sparkly now.  
I have been doing some gardening also.  I planted lots of stuff that already have come up. Radishes, turnips, broccoli, carrots, tomatos, oregano, mint, chamomile, squash, zucchini and a couple of flowering plants too.  It keeps me busy.  I take my dog for walks when the weather permits. I meditate, and I take my vitamins as well.

I realize a big "trigger" for my depression is the realization that my husband may not ever really want to get clean.  So, all of your advice to pull away from the concern for him is absolutely correct, and I am doing my best to do so.

I hope your day today is excellent for you.  I look forward to seeing all and any of your posts.  I love you and wish only the best for you, my friend.
Love,
MJ
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Hi MJ~   It just goes on and on,huh?   Such is life...  You gave your daughter good advice.  She'll come to her decision on her own but I know it must be hard for you.  :(

Yes,good news with Michael...time will tell.

I agree with your therapist!

Keep the communication open with your daughter;she's got a tough one there...

My prayers always~
Love you,too!
Vicki
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1237997 tn?1272128418
Oh yes, in my world it does go on and on!  I think about the old saying that "God doesn't give you any more than you can handle".  Wow, I can't believe God has so much faith in me to handle things like what I have to bear.

On the one hand I think, OK, I can get through this.  On the other hand I think, this will surely be the death of me.

I don't know if you can relate, my dear friend.  It is ok, I hope and pray you never have to feel and see the things I have felt and seen.

I am hoping your day is sunny today.  I am hoping your body feels excellent.  I am hoping you have sufficient love and support for you today.  I hope your thoughts are all strong and positively calming for you.  You are a source of strength for so many of us, and we need you.  I need you.

I love your response.  I take what you write to me very seriously.  I know what you advise to me is "right on".  Thank you.  

Love,
MJ
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1237997 tn?1272128418
Today I almost fell to the floor.  My husband tested negative for opiates!  I was elated.

Thank God.

He must take this victory and try to have it continue for both of our sakes.  I am working on NA meeting/s.  I think if he comes to just one, he may not think so badly of them.

Pray for me. Pray for us. Thank you.
Love,
MJ
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Bless your sweet heart!  I am so happy for him. (AND YOU!)  That is wonderful news!

Prayers for you tonight!

TH
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199177 tn?1490502134
MJ,
I am so happy to hear that it is a step in the right direction,I think trying an na meeting would be a great idea I hope he agrees. Keep us in the loop....
avis
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