How can I deal with this?

[maryjanel]

My husband recently (four days ago) admitted to me that he was a heroin "user".  He claims he is not addicted.  He has been using heroin for years now.  He showed me a "medical file" in which almost a year ago, 4/9/09 he went to a local treatment facility as an outpatient.  He was given a "3 day supply of suboxone" and he had to keep appointments, which he never did.  My 16 year old daugher is the one who kept persistently telling me he was on heroin.  A few years ago, when my 19 year old was still living with us, he apparently admitted to her he was using heroin.  All these years, and even his outpatient clinic stint, and he never admitted anything to me.
Even the day before when I had been reading your posts, I had him leave work early to come home before my 16 year old got home so I could talk with him.  He blatantly denied using.  He even lied to me and said he never carries it with him.  The next morning my 16 year old asked me to look through the garbage.  She said he was acting suspicious and he went to the garbage and threw something away.  I went to the garbage and founf six bags of wax paper bags labeled "king Kong" and his straw.  That is when he finally admitted he was using.  The very next day, he denied everything again, including this morning.  
He often has pinpoint pupils and gets very tired and nods out at inappropriate times,  He has incredibly bad constipation and takes all of his medical advice from his junkie friends. Never from me.  I am a nurse for over twenty years.  I never worked in community health, or drug rehab facilities, and I was so unaware of all the signs and symptoms until recently.
Last year in late July I was diagnosed with cancer.  I am not allowed to work as a nurse, and I have been without any income for over six months.  My husband works for himself.  He chooses his own hours, and rarely gives me money to live on. I have no where to go.  I cannot leave as I cannot afford to do anything until I get cleared from my oncologist.  Even then, I am unsure as to whether I can ohld a job or not.  
Please can you help me deal with this?  I have tried to tolerate this, but I am going through so much myself, I get so overwhelmed.

[maryjanel]

Thank you for your kind post to me.  I want to let you know I am so appreciative of your thoughts and prayers.
It is incredible to know a good friend like you has beaten CANCER!!!!  That in itself is phenomenal, and it brings me up whenever I think of it.  So, thank you.  It is inspirational to me.  
Living with an addict especially one in denial, (again), is a bit frustrating.
I try to work around it.  I cannot allow it to change my attitude, or especially bring me down to the point of mental breakdown.  IT is a challenge, and I love the prayers because I feel it works. I have to do the best I can in this situation because it isn't just me living with this, it is my daughter as well.  
I too lived with addicted parents as a teenager, I know that.  The big difference was that my parents never lied and tried to deceive me about it, not once, not ever.  Being lied to is incredibly hard on ones self esteem.  I mean to the one who is being lied to on a daily basis.
I think I was able to get through my teenage years better because of the truth.  No matter how hard the truth is, I simply prefer the truth than to be lied to.  It is so demeaning to the person being lied to.  
I do my best to make every day as least stressful as possible to my daughter.
I do not confront my husband too much any more, because he won't be honest.
In regards to my drug test, he has told me #1) I already peed! #2) I am too busy for that now. And the most recent is to simply ignore my request to test for me.
To date, he has chosen not to test for me, nor has he chosen to be honest as to why he cannot test for me. It wasn't the repsonse I was hoping for.  I feel like since he is avoiding the drug test, he is being deceptive to me, AGAIN.
I have to focus on things that are not related to him.
That helps me to get by.
I look forward to any posts or notes I get on this site.  It empowers and strengthens me.

Michele, please let me know if there is anything I can do for you.  You have been such an incredible friend to me with all of this stuff, and I feel like I should reciprocate to you.
Please tell me if I can help you in any way.  Is there anything I can do to alleviate any of your daily stressors or worries?  I would love to have the opportunity to help you.

Take care, and God bless,
MJ

[maryjanel]

Thank you for your best wishes towards me getting the job I had applied for.  I have not yet heard from the health department.  I hope when I do it will be good news.  Then I can try to work through the dreaded health insurance for employees issue.  Just because a job offers health insurance does not guarantee that the health provider will accept me as one of their policy holders.  I will definately need divine intervention for that.  I am simply hoping for a job at this point to get me out of the house, and to begin the slow process of becoming independent of my husband.  I do appreciate all of your prayers and kind thoughts and wonderful letters/posts you send to me.  For that I pray that everything will come your way as well.  I want to let you know I pray for you, and when I pray, I ask that all of your needs are met with God's grace, and you want for nothing.  Let me know if there is something more specific I can pray for you for.  So far, all I know is you care so much for others, and I have no idea if you need support and friendship to help you get through things that are not so good in your life.  I would be "there" for you if you do need the help.  Thank you and I wish you the best.
MJ

[vicki595]

MJ~   You sound stronger to me!!!    You're looking ahead...and that's good. It's baby steps for you.  The job sounds good...another small step that will pay off.  
I think your attitude is better because you're feeling better,huh?      You can't change your husband but you CAN work around it.  So many people do...they just lead parallel
lives.  It's the best you can do...
Good luck with the PCP appt.  And definitely post about the drug test...oh...to be a fly on the wall for that!!  LOL
Love~~Vicki

[micheleTX]

MJ I was wondering about you and how things are going there with you.  You have been in my prayers since I first read your post, and I will continue to pray for you to get healthy from your medical problems, and for your husband to at least talk to you about his addiction.  I am so sorry you are having to deal with this when you are ill.  It really breaks my heart.  I know how bad cancer is, I've had it.  But to have to deal with an addict at the same time, I can only imagine how hard it is.

Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and your family and hoping things change for the better soon for you all :)
Take care and God Bless You!

[pharma9]

I wish you luck in your job application.It will be good for you to have a job that provides some income and probably health insurance.It will also provide you with distractions and keep your mind busy .
I pray that you will get this job and wish the best for you.

[maryjanel]

Thank you for your kindness and thoughts. I am sorry to read about your son who suffered cancer at the tender age of 8. I am wishing he has receovered incredibly and is doing all and anything he wants to do today cancer free.
I am definately hearing what you are telling me with regards to my husband.  I am sure you may actually be correct, even though he has denied shooting up his heroin.  I found a bag of syringes in my kitchen drawer once I was discharged from the hospital months ago.  I can't believe I didn't think too much of it.  Your post, and my memory is haunting me now.  It is quite possible he may have already been shooting at this point.  He tells me only the least of what he wants me to know with regards to his drug useage.
I appreciate your prayers for me, and I am doing my best to keep my health up.
I pray for you and your family.  

God Bless.  
MJ