Aa
How can a pill run my entire life?
Hey. I guess i can start by teling my story? if not for anyone to read - perhaps for my own theraputic reasons. It's currently 5:14 p.m., and i've taken 31 & 1/2 Lortab 10's since 8:45 p.m. last night. I took about an hour comatosed catnap about 2 hours ago. I know its bad. here's from the start.
When i was about 18 in November of 2004 I got a bad infection in my intestines. They were swollen and sore, and i got a script for 20 Lortabs. I took one, felt terrible, puked by guts out, and gave the other 19 away. The following May i joined the U.S. Navy. In bootcamp, its a requirement to get your wisdom teeth taken out. This is where i quickly learned that if you complain about anything from a toothache to a sore pinky, they'll throw you anywhere from 5-20 vicodin. Still, this wan't a problem. In the summer of 2005, i injured my shoulder badly while working on a P-3 Orion aircraft. They told me i'd just pulled a muscle, gave me some vicodin and some muscle relaxers, to no avail.
Finally, in August of 2007, i got surgery for my shoulder which was shredded like pastrami. They had to take the front muscle and sew it to the back corner muscle. This was done by a civillian dr.. He messed me up worse than i was in the beginning... and I later went to his office with a JAG officer, and it was cleared out completely with no forwarding information. (sorry if this may not make sense, i'm fading in and out).
Anyhow, that dr. started me on 20 vicodin every 2 weeks. Gradually, between him and my Lt. on base, i was moved up to 20 vicodin from him every week and 20 Lortabs by her every week. Mind you, the shoulder surgery also caused me to have (still existant Back pain.) On top of that, i was going through a divorce from the woman whom i had been with since the 8th grade. Any of you who are also addicts know that when yu get that initial high, Not a thing in the world could possibly ruin your mood. So, I quickly found an outlet to help me keep my sanity up and my suicide contemplation down.
Long story short, I went from 20 Vicodin every 2 weeks in August 2007 to being sent to pain management in a civilian clinic in Jacksonville, Fl. where by January of 2008 (not 5 complete months later) i wa perscribed 120 percocet 10's and 60 Oxycontin 20's a month. By April/May - these 180 pills were gone within 15-21 days. Leaving the last week of the month (every month) a heartstabbing cryfest of nasty withdrawels and severe desperity. Most of the time, i got lucky. unbenounced to the real world, the military is honestly filled with hundreds and hundreds of opiate addicts. So, troughout time, All of us who were hooked knew about one another. We were sorta like a secret society haha.
Pills, Suboxen, Fetnol patches, Methadone clinics - everything but heroin. was the focal point of my day from the second i was awake until i finaly fell asleep - waking up frequesntly because my body forgot to breathe in its sedation. i recall MANY mornings where my eyes werent even open yet and i was already smiling thinking about the fact that my high had worn off and i was going to get the initial buzz soon - which swiftly became the dragon i chased for the remainder of the day and night, which of course was uncatchable.
*** i'm not adding this in for special effect, extra (or any) pitty, or to make my plea for help seem more narly than it is - but simply because i promised myself that if i did this, i would be 100% honest about every aspect. I just fell asleep for 7 minutes sitting on an ottoman in my kitchen with my laptop at my feet and a ciggarette hanging from my mouth. thank goodness NYS mandated that chemical that makes smokes go out if you dont drag on them after a while.***********
So, anyhow. the days i left pain management, i got from that building to the Winn Dixie accross the street in record time. I'd drop the scripts off, go buy a Red Bull, and walk the outter perimeter of the inside of the store 3 times. I would then walk back up to the pharmacy desk, hand them my I.D., sign the papers, and get the bag filled with 1 huge bottle and one tiny bottle. (For those of you who aren't aware - Watson Percocet 10's are the size of horse pills, hence the large bottle of 120 of them. Oxycontin are tiny, I guess they could be comparable to the size of the head of a nail - hence the small bottle of 60.) Oxycontin are about a 10th of the size of a Percocet and are in my guesstimation, about 4-5 times stronger. Percocet is basically Oxycontin, just cut with Acetaminophen (tylenol).
So - when they handed me the bag - it was nearly impossible to wipe the s**t-eating grin off of my face. before i even got to my car - i had 2 OC's and 3 percs down my throat. within 5 minutes - i felt simply amazing. No other word can describe the cloud 9 i was on.
My first overdose came at a low point in my life. the divorce had hit it's lowest point, I had eaten a couple OC's in the morning and was already having withdrawel symptoms that night. a friend of mine came over and gave me a Suboxen. So, i let it disolve under my tounge, and then took a fetnayl patch, cut it open, and sucked the gel out. i'd never even heard of suboxen before, and had no clue you werent supposed to mix those and opiates. Nooooooooooo bueno. On top of that, i drank half a liter of Jack Daniels. The next morning, i was supposed to wake up at 515 am to be at work on base at 6. Around 1130 - i woke up to my friend pounding on my bedroom window. i let him in, and hed left his phone charger in my roomates room. I went into the bathroom and stood there to ****. Quickly, i collapsed on the ground. I could still hear my friend rummaging throughout the apartment looking for the charger - and i repeatedly tried yelling for him but mere grunts came out. He came to the bathroom door and said "dude im leavin." again, i could get nothing out. I started getting tunnel vision and hearing everything really weird. i flipped my phone open - and woke up about 7 hours later after my roomate had kicked open the bathroom door. i looked at my phone - and had managed to dial 9-1....... I realized that i was curled up around the toilet in a pile of my own feces, urine, sweat, and vomit. My roomate picked me up and put me in the bathtub and drenched me in cold water and tried feeding me water - which for about 6 hours - i puked up immediately. I finaly had enough manpower to crawl into my room, put on P.J. pants, and got into bed. 33 hours later i woke up - went to the base and had to explain myself.
I dont have enough fingers and toes to count and tell you how many nights i fell asleep and woke up not breathing or how many nights i layed there trying to sleep but found myself having mini hallucinations.
My entire life as i knew it was controlled by these pills. I have a giant notebook filled with meaningless writing. I would sit on my back porch on the lake in florida and eat pills and write and write and write - literally for anywhere from 6-14 hours straight. taking 1 pill here, one pill there - and before i knew it - adding up to an average of 13 percocet and 8-10 OC's in a 24 hours period. this would continue for about 15 days until my pills ran out - and then i would sleep from 2-4 days - barely waking up long enough to **** and watch half amovie fading in and out of a deep sleep. from the day i filled my script till the day it ran out - i would count (and write down) how many of each i had left - and rebudget the amounts of each i could take in order to ration them out and not hafta withdrawel (not ONCE did i succeed.)
When i was about 18 in November of 2004 I got a bad infection in my intestines. They were swollen and sore, and i got a script for 20 Lortabs. I took one, felt terrible, puked by guts out, and gave the other 19 away. The following May i joined the U.S. Navy. In bootcamp, its a requirement to get your wisdom teeth taken out. This is where i quickly learned that if you complain about anything from a toothache to a sore pinky, they'll throw you anywhere from 5-20 vicodin. Still, this wan't a problem. In the summer of 2005, i injured my shoulder badly while working on a P-3 Orion aircraft. They told me i'd just pulled a muscle, gave me some vicodin and some muscle relaxers, to no avail.
Finally, in August of 2007, i got surgery for my shoulder which was shredded like pastrami. They had to take the front muscle and sew it to the back corner muscle. This was done by a civillian dr.. He messed me up worse than i was in the beginning... and I later went to his office with a JAG officer, and it was cleared out completely with no forwarding information. (sorry if this may not make sense, i'm fading in and out).
Anyhow, that dr. started me on 20 vicodin every 2 weeks. Gradually, between him and my Lt. on base, i was moved up to 20 vicodin from him every week and 20 Lortabs by her every week. Mind you, the shoulder surgery also caused me to have (still existant Back pain.) On top of that, i was going through a divorce from the woman whom i had been with since the 8th grade. Any of you who are also addicts know that when yu get that initial high, Not a thing in the world could possibly ruin your mood. So, I quickly found an outlet to help me keep my sanity up and my suicide contemplation down.
Long story short, I went from 20 Vicodin every 2 weeks in August 2007 to being sent to pain management in a civilian clinic in Jacksonville, Fl. where by January of 2008 (not 5 complete months later) i wa perscribed 120 percocet 10's and 60 Oxycontin 20's a month. By April/May - these 180 pills were gone within 15-21 days. Leaving the last week of the month (every month) a heartstabbing cryfest of nasty withdrawels and severe desperity. Most of the time, i got lucky. unbenounced to the real world, the military is honestly filled with hundreds and hundreds of opiate addicts. So, troughout time, All of us who were hooked knew about one another. We were sorta like a secret society haha.
Pills, Suboxen, Fetnol patches, Methadone clinics - everything but heroin. was the focal point of my day from the second i was awake until i finaly fell asleep - waking up frequesntly because my body forgot to breathe in its sedation. i recall MANY mornings where my eyes werent even open yet and i was already smiling thinking about the fact that my high had worn off and i was going to get the initial buzz soon - which swiftly became the dragon i chased for the remainder of the day and night, which of course was uncatchable.
*** i'm not adding this in for special effect, extra (or any) pitty, or to make my plea for help seem more narly than it is - but simply because i promised myself that if i did this, i would be 100% honest about every aspect. I just fell asleep for 7 minutes sitting on an ottoman in my kitchen with my laptop at my feet and a ciggarette hanging from my mouth. thank goodness NYS mandated that chemical that makes smokes go out if you dont drag on them after a while.***********
So, anyhow. the days i left pain management, i got from that building to the Winn Dixie accross the street in record time. I'd drop the scripts off, go buy a Red Bull, and walk the outter perimeter of the inside of the store 3 times. I would then walk back up to the pharmacy desk, hand them my I.D., sign the papers, and get the bag filled with 1 huge bottle and one tiny bottle. (For those of you who aren't aware - Watson Percocet 10's are the size of horse pills, hence the large bottle of 120 of them. Oxycontin are tiny, I guess they could be comparable to the size of the head of a nail - hence the small bottle of 60.) Oxycontin are about a 10th of the size of a Percocet and are in my guesstimation, about 4-5 times stronger. Percocet is basically Oxycontin, just cut with Acetaminophen (tylenol).
So - when they handed me the bag - it was nearly impossible to wipe the s**t-eating grin off of my face. before i even got to my car - i had 2 OC's and 3 percs down my throat. within 5 minutes - i felt simply amazing. No other word can describe the cloud 9 i was on.
My first overdose came at a low point in my life. the divorce had hit it's lowest point, I had eaten a couple OC's in the morning and was already having withdrawel symptoms that night. a friend of mine came over and gave me a Suboxen. So, i let it disolve under my tounge, and then took a fetnayl patch, cut it open, and sucked the gel out. i'd never even heard of suboxen before, and had no clue you werent supposed to mix those and opiates. Nooooooooooo bueno. On top of that, i drank half a liter of Jack Daniels. The next morning, i was supposed to wake up at 515 am to be at work on base at 6. Around 1130 - i woke up to my friend pounding on my bedroom window. i let him in, and hed left his phone charger in my roomates room. I went into the bathroom and stood there to ****. Quickly, i collapsed on the ground. I could still hear my friend rummaging throughout the apartment looking for the charger - and i repeatedly tried yelling for him but mere grunts came out. He came to the bathroom door and said "dude im leavin." again, i could get nothing out. I started getting tunnel vision and hearing everything really weird. i flipped my phone open - and woke up about 7 hours later after my roomate had kicked open the bathroom door. i looked at my phone - and had managed to dial 9-1....... I realized that i was curled up around the toilet in a pile of my own feces, urine, sweat, and vomit. My roomate picked me up and put me in the bathtub and drenched me in cold water and tried feeding me water - which for about 6 hours - i puked up immediately. I finaly had enough manpower to crawl into my room, put on P.J. pants, and got into bed. 33 hours later i woke up - went to the base and had to explain myself.
I dont have enough fingers and toes to count and tell you how many nights i fell asleep and woke up not breathing or how many nights i layed there trying to sleep but found myself having mini hallucinations.
My entire life as i knew it was controlled by these pills. I have a giant notebook filled with meaningless writing. I would sit on my back porch on the lake in florida and eat pills and write and write and write - literally for anywhere from 6-14 hours straight. taking 1 pill here, one pill there - and before i knew it - adding up to an average of 13 percocet and 8-10 OC's in a 24 hours period. this would continue for about 15 days until my pills ran out - and then i would sleep from 2-4 days - barely waking up long enough to **** and watch half amovie fading in and out of a deep sleep. from the day i filled my script till the day it ran out - i would count (and write down) how many of each i had left - and rebudget the amounts of each i could take in order to ration them out and not hafta withdrawel (not ONCE did i succeed.)
Wow--you're alive!!! I don't know about subs, just want to say I am glad you're here and I'm sure you'll get lots of great support from people who have been through it with the suboxone. You are sure lucky to be alive to know how lucky you are to be alive!
I completely forgot about this site. I found it again because i'm trying to jump from soboxone. Shortly after I wrote all of this, my girlfriend at the time moved back home & cheated on me - I went through an absolute terrible breakup. I finally got into a suboxone program & that was 2 & 1/2 years ago. The fact that I found this from 2010 & 3 years later, i'm still dealing with it. I wish I would have just detoxed from the tabs back then. I thought subs were a miracle drug but then I read all of these horror storied about the withdrawals last weeks & months. It's now 72 hours since I took my last dose & oddly enough, I'm not really feeling anything unbearable. I apologize to anyone that worried when I didn't respond to your concerns. I went into a long, deep state of depression. But now i'm happy to say that, with the acception of suboxone, my life is in an amazing place. I have an amazing job, great friends & family, and just started dating the most amazing girl. Now i'm just wondering if I'm not feeling the wd's & i'm in the clear? Or if the worst is yet to come. Again, I apologize to anyone that may have worried when I stopped writing.
whoa dude...thats preety heavy...i will pray for you...hard choices for you but nescessary
I have a good friend that I am currently helping who is addicted to Loratabs as well. He was prescribed them for pain while in the Army three years ago. He was on the front lines due to his marksmanship abilities. The Army would hand the Loratabs out to him and others in order to keep them pain free to where they could continue to perform.
You need to seek professional help. You, like my friend, need an alternative to Loratabs. They are they are going to prescribe suboxone for him. He will use hem under close supervision. You willl be directed to the resources that you will need in your recovery efforts.
You need to be honest with those closest to you after you have made your initial visit for professional help. Ypu will be surprised how much people will support you. Unfrotunately addcits tend to hurt those closest to them when they are abusing drugs and/or alcohol.
Please continue to pray and include a prayer that for your recovery process which will last the rest of your life. Just take one day at a time. God bless you and I will pray for you. I will be glad to help you inanyway possible. Just let me know.
You need to seek professional help. You, like my friend, need an alternative to Loratabs. They are they are going to prescribe suboxone for him. He will use hem under close supervision. You willl be directed to the resources that you will need in your recovery efforts.
You need to be honest with those closest to you after you have made your initial visit for professional help. Ypu will be surprised how much people will support you. Unfrotunately addcits tend to hurt those closest to them when they are abusing drugs and/or alcohol.
Please continue to pray and include a prayer that for your recovery process which will last the rest of your life. Just take one day at a time. God bless you and I will pray for you. I will be glad to help you inanyway possible. Just let me know.
I hope CATUF comes along and sees this post...
and I hope you woke up this morning...
your post was very worriesome and I really hope you can do this...sarah is right..you will die soon if you dont stop. Im glad you found this forum. I hope it will give you the insight and strength, love and support you need to get started on your journey to recovery. Keep with us..
and I hope you woke up this morning...
your post was very worriesome and I really hope you can do this...sarah is right..you will die soon if you dont stop. Im glad you found this forum. I hope it will give you the insight and strength, love and support you need to get started on your journey to recovery. Keep with us..
I am a 20 yr. old female. I am in pain management for severe pain due to scoliosis and artheritis. I am prescribed 60 Lortab a month, and 90 neurontin a month. I am supposed to take two 5-500 mg lortabs a day and three 100mg neurontin a day. Well I am now addicted to the lortab. I am currently 2 weeks behind on my pills because I have taken too many. I am down to 1 and a half pills now. I am gonna have to come down off the lortab for the next two weeks until my opointment. It's only day one and i already feel the withdrawel. I have no energy and am having insomnia, and restless leg symptoms. Waht's so sad is that I honestly NEED the meds. They've tried me on every pain med and nothing else works. Lortab is the only thing that works. I need it but i don't no how to control my addiction and impulse to just feel that high just "one more time." I mean, I've been raised in church all my life, and I never thought I would be a person to become addicted to anything.. I didn't mean to become addicted.. I didn't have intensions to become addicted.. It just happened.. Before I knew it.. I have been praying to God to please forgive me for what I've done.. and to please help me control it in the months to follow.. and for my mom not to find out that i have 1 and a half pills left.. Cause my momma don't play. She will absolutally crap a brick if she finds out. She don't give a damn how old i am, she'll skin my hide!! I'm so scared.. I just pray that i get through these next two weeks and that my momma don't fing out. how soon before my pain management appointment should i take that 1 and a half pill so that it will show up in my system? If it don't show up I'm screwed..
You need to decide that you are ready to take steps to help yourself and to have someone to help you through the process. People can only help those who truly want to help themselves. Nothing can happen until you decide that you truly want to start your recovery process. Once you make this decision ou may be surprised as to the level of support that you will receive.
I will help you once you deceide to help yourself. Just let me know. I am in the process of helping a friend of mine in his recovery effort. He is 18 days along now. I talked to him earlier tonight and he said that this is the longest that he has been clean since getting hooked on Loratabs three years ago. He got hooked while in the Army. He suffered a knee injury and was given Loratabs for the pain.
His story is a lot like yours. He has been accepted into a local treatment facility and will begin his treatment next week. He is a proud amn who does not aksk fro help from others but has has for me to help him. I am holding him accounatble for his actions as this was part of the deal. He welcomes this and so far things have worked well. He wants to be successful in his recovery process and needs someone to help him. It sounds like you are close to getting to thsi point in your life.
As for me, I grew up in a household where addictive behavior was practiced by both of my parents. It is only y the grace of God that I have been spared becoming and drug and/or alcohol abuser. I have a passion for helping addicits and alcoholics who truly want help.
Please let me know if you would like me to help you in your recovery process. KJust send me a note. Best of luck to you in this effort. It will e tough but the best things in life are tough to get.
If you read all of this - Thank you very much. i'm open to any insights, suggestions, or support. Even if you're someone like my mom - someone who reads this not because you're addicted yourself - but because you have a loved one that is - and you truly - TRULY want to understand. When talking to them - do not condescend them - do not judge them - and do not underestimate the seriousness and severity of the hold that a little white pill can, will, and DOES have over someones life. Try to understand them. Do not humor them - or try to relate by comparing your love for ciggarettes or coffee with their opiate addiction. Don't tell them "i read this - so try that - let me help you. i want to be there with you, ect.." Just care - that's all you can do.
What i don't need is "take this during detox and try this during detox." I have pills that help detox - i know tricks for physical detox. It's the mental willpower that i lack. I guess in closing - To God - "Please let me wake up alive - and on time for my clinical."
To all of you: I'm not the type of man who asks for pitty - and that's not what i want. I'm not the kind of guy who feels bad for myself. I'm not the kind of kid that asks people for help with things i should be able to take care of myself. But i'm also not the kind of Addict that doesn't realize that this is stronger than my Army of one.... So Please....... Pleae.... Help Me.
God Bless you all.
"Goodnight, I Love You, Cya in the Morning."
I will help you once you deceide to help yourself. Just let me know. I am in the process of helping a friend of mine in his recovery effort. He is 18 days along now. I talked to him earlier tonight and he said that this is the longest that he has been clean since getting hooked on Loratabs three years ago. He got hooked while in the Army. He suffered a knee injury and was given Loratabs for the pain.
His story is a lot like yours. He has been accepted into a local treatment facility and will begin his treatment next week. He is a proud amn who does not aksk fro help from others but has has for me to help him. I am holding him accounatble for his actions as this was part of the deal. He welcomes this and so far things have worked well. He wants to be successful in his recovery process and needs someone to help him. It sounds like you are close to getting to thsi point in your life.
As for me, I grew up in a household where addictive behavior was practiced by both of my parents. It is only y the grace of God that I have been spared becoming and drug and/or alcohol abuser. I have a passion for helping addicits and alcoholics who truly want help.
Please let me know if you would like me to help you in your recovery process. KJust send me a note. Best of luck to you in this effort. It will e tough but the best things in life are tough to get.
If you read all of this - Thank you very much. i'm open to any insights, suggestions, or support. Even if you're someone like my mom - someone who reads this not because you're addicted yourself - but because you have a loved one that is - and you truly - TRULY want to understand. When talking to them - do not condescend them - do not judge them - and do not underestimate the seriousness and severity of the hold that a little white pill can, will, and DOES have over someones life. Try to understand them. Do not humor them - or try to relate by comparing your love for ciggarettes or coffee with their opiate addiction. Don't tell them "i read this - so try that - let me help you. i want to be there with you, ect.." Just care - that's all you can do.
What i don't need is "take this during detox and try this during detox." I have pills that help detox - i know tricks for physical detox. It's the mental willpower that i lack. I guess in closing - To God - "Please let me wake up alive - and on time for my clinical."
To all of you: I'm not the type of man who asks for pitty - and that's not what i want. I'm not the kind of guy who feels bad for myself. I'm not the kind of kid that asks people for help with things i should be able to take care of myself. But i'm also not the kind of Addict that doesn't realize that this is stronger than my Army of one.... So Please....... Pleae.... Help Me.
God Bless you all.
"Goodnight, I Love You, Cya in the Morning."
COMMUNITY LEADER
Here is the deal....Either you do something right now about your addiction or you are going to die. Check out some out patient or even in patient facilities that really support recovery. We will be here to support you but you are going to have to do the hard work. This addiction hoses us mentally big time and with aftercare you will find out that you do have the mental capabilities to live a clean and healthy life. How do i know? i am a recovering addict/alcoholic...........sara
Well the time is going to have to come when you say enough is enough and get off them for good .If not you are going to die look how close U have come .I would look for an intensive out patient car program.That way you can continue with school.You also need to go to the doctor and get a liver panel done to see how your liver is functioning .You can get clean it going to take alot of work and you are going to have to have long term recovery care but you can do it ....Maybe if you sister sees you doing it she will become ready to get clean as well. We will be here to support you ...Let us know what you decide to do
Wow, I read every word! I completely understand about the falling asleep. I had been taking the pills for so long I thought that was part of aging, like seniors do, but since I cut down I found out that I dont fall asleep in the day becuase I get good sleep at night. The opiates are stimulants and sleep is never really good.
Also want to touch on the sleep thing. It sounds like sleep paralysis. I have suffered from this my whole life and only just found others that have it since I have been in here.
As for advice or suggestions..I have 2 that worked for me. First I got put on an antidepressant called Wellbutrin, and it helped with the compulsion to take pills. But most important asking Jesus to help me. It sounds like he is answering your prayers but letting you be alive in the morning. Why not take it a step further and ask for more. I would say out loud "Jesus, I am openning my heart to you, please come in and help me kick this addiction" I would actually picture my heart openning and a ray of light coming in from above. I said this prayer for a few months before it started to work its magic. Now Jesus is in my heart and I have 2 days clean, first in 10 years.
I dont know what your prayer should be but that worked for me. I was genuine in this request. Several years ago I told God to ignore my foolish prayers like "send money", and only listen to the ones I say out loud. Hes here with me right now, making me smile.
There are so many wonderful people on here that would happily support and welcome you. You will need to learn to take a kind word and not think its sympathy. We all need to be cared for, even us people who are feircely independent. Just let it happen!!
Good luck.
Also want to touch on the sleep thing. It sounds like sleep paralysis. I have suffered from this my whole life and only just found others that have it since I have been in here.
As for advice or suggestions..I have 2 that worked for me. First I got put on an antidepressant called Wellbutrin, and it helped with the compulsion to take pills. But most important asking Jesus to help me. It sounds like he is answering your prayers but letting you be alive in the morning. Why not take it a step further and ask for more. I would say out loud "Jesus, I am openning my heart to you, please come in and help me kick this addiction" I would actually picture my heart openning and a ray of light coming in from above. I said this prayer for a few months before it started to work its magic. Now Jesus is in my heart and I have 2 days clean, first in 10 years.
I dont know what your prayer should be but that worked for me. I was genuine in this request. Several years ago I told God to ignore my foolish prayers like "send money", and only listen to the ones I say out loud. Hes here with me right now, making me smile.
There are so many wonderful people on here that would happily support and welcome you. You will need to learn to take a kind word and not think its sympathy. We all need to be cared for, even us people who are feircely independent. Just let it happen!!
Good luck.
Anyhow - back to Friday. I went to sleep at 930 a.m.. i woke up periodically - and finally got up at 1230 late friday night. i had 4 tabs sitting next to me. the symptoms were bearable - but i knew it was the beginning. i stared at them - cried at first - then had a weird smile. almost to say "i can beat you." Then - i decided "this isn't so hard - i'll take these 4 and get high ONE MORE TIME. 45 minutes later, about 515 a.m. sat. morning - i went to my parents and stole the last 5 my step-dad had. i went back to sleep about 9 a.m.. i woke up at noon - back to sleep at one - and back up at 5:30 p.m. sat evening. i woke up thriving in pain - depressed - unmotivated - and fighting with my emotions - and my text messages. 8:30 last night - i went and got 50 tabs. I replaced my step-dads 5 - sold 5 more - and now 22 hours and 45 minutes left - i have 7 remaining. i've eaten my all-time life high of 33 10/500 mg Lortabs in less than 24 hours. I have to be up at 5 a.m. for my first hospital clinical. i promised my mom i would jion a support website. i promised her i'd try to ween down - and if i haven't completely conquered this by spring break - i will check myself into inpatient detox/outpatient rehab. Please - don't respond and say "you can't do this for your mom or your girlfriend - you have to do it for you." Because - while yes - i am doing this to make the people who care about me and Love me not have to worry and stress everyday - i am mainly doing this for myself.
1) I dont want to die of long term liver failure from the Acetaminophen
2) I don't want to flunk out of school
3) I want to be successful in life
4) I don't want God to give up on me. What if i say tonight "please let me wake up alive tomorrow" - and i do not?
If you read all of this - Thank you very much. i'm open to any insights, suggestions, or support. Even if you're someone like my mom - someone who reads this not because you're addicted yourself - but because you have a loved one that is - and you truly - TRULY want to understand. When talking to them - do not condescend them - do not judge them - and do not underestimate the seriousness and severity of the hold that a little white pill can, will, and DOES have over someones life. Try to understand them. Do not humor them - or try to relate by comparing your love for ciggarettes or coffee with their opiate addiction. Don't tell them "i read this - so try that - let me help you. i want to be there with you, ect.." Just care - that's all you can do.
What i don't need is "take this during detox and try this during detox." I have pills that help detox - i know tricks for physical detox. It's the mental willpower that i lack. I guess in closing - To God - "Please let me wake up alive - and on time for my clinical."
To all of you: I'm not the type of man who asks for pitty - and that's not what i want. I'm not the kind of guy who feels bad for myself. I'm not the kind of kid that asks people for help with things i should be able to take care of myself. But i'm also not the kind of Addict that doesn't realize that this is stronger than my Army of one.... So Please....... Pleae.... Help Me.
God Bless you all.
"Goodnight, I Love You, Cya in the Morning."
*** on a side note once again - i just went to the bathroom and on the way back, grabbed my bag and took another 1 and a 1/2 without even thinking of the irony of what i was doing until i sat down at this computer again. this brings my total to 33 in 21 and 1/2 hours. its not even like an addiction or bad habit anymore - more a daily routine.*****
ok - so the worst point was yet to come. The last script i filled in Florida was going to be a breaking point - either death or done (not purposely or planned.) 180 pills - 9 days. thats about 20 pills a day - for 9 days straight. That resulted in my worst detox to this day. After crying for a day and a half, leaving bruises on myself trying to make the internal bone pain go away by slamming my forearms together as hard as possible and kicking my wodden bedframes with my shinbones as hard as possible, calling my ex-wife and leaving her a hystericall voicemail, and calling my supervisor crying like a bubbling b***h - i finally drive myself into the e.r.. There i layed for a few hours dopes up on Valium and clondidine and was moved into an inpatient rehab building. i layed in the bed for somewhere around 3 days (whiccch honestly seemed like 5 months). In that bed, i convulsed, i cried, i soiled myself, and i fought as hard as i could to not tie the sheet around my neck and hang myself from the doorway. On te fifth day - i walked outside into the Florida sun - and felt more high and amazing and clearheaded than i EVER had. I drove home - ate a normal meal, had ambition to clean my apartment - and was ready to live a real and sober life. i remember calling my mom and talking to her - about nothing really - and she started crying (mind you - she knew nothing about what id just been through - although she was aware of my pill addiction.) i asked why she was crying - and she said "i dont know what it is - but this is the fist time in 2 years i feel like im actually talking to my son."
A month later - i got out of the Navy and moved back to Buffalo. The Dr. had sent me home with one more script which i wasnt able to fill until 3 weeks later. Once home - i felt so amazing mentaly that i didn need the pills. Unfortunately however - the physical pain in my shoulder and back was very real and present. I did eventually fill that script - and did well with them for a while. they did last me the entire month - and the detox was a mere 2 days of minor aches and pains. from that point on - i wass sober from pillsss. i always romised myself id never pay for these pills. however - i grew up in a small town in the suburbs of Buffalo, N.Y.. ittle to my knowledge, many of my old friends were pill addicts. later - i even found out my sister was too. It was kind of funny too - because we both hid it from eaccchother - and it was actually rather funny that when we eventually found out about eachother - it made us bond. So - i was on and off and on and off. I moved into a house with 3 friends. Many of those nights, my one roomate would sit on my bedside and check my pulse and listen to my breathing to make sure the 10-13 Tabs i'd taken haden't killed me. I was nowhere how i was in Florida however - that was until about 4 months ago. i met a kid who can get Lortabs by the 100's and 100's at any given moment. So - i set up shop - and here i am - making anywhere between $60 and $300 a week selling them - on top of having enough left over for a hefty stash. i've been averaging 17 A day. I failed my first semester back becacuse i'd stay up until 3-4 a.m. popping pills and wouldnt be able to get up for class. i barely got through by the skin of my teeth last semester.
I'm finally in the program i want to be in in College - Surical Technology. I'm well aware that i'm not going to pass through it if i can't get this under wraps. I promised my mother and my girlfriend that i was going to detox this past weekend and be done with it. i took a bunch Thursday into early friday morning. I went to slee about 930 am Friday - said my usual prayers that i've said since i was 8 years old - and ended with the new addition i started saying about 4 months ago: "Lord, please let me wake up alive."
One thing i forgot to touch on - is about 3 months ago, i started getting a very common thin called involuntary body paralysis during my sleep. i can feel my brain tighten and loosen and tighten and loosen. along with my legs, feet, hands, and arms. lately - its been worse. i know i'm not breathing right - i'm alert and concious - yet i'm paralized so i can't do anything about it. A week ago - two nights in a row - this happened - and i also Hallucinated that i was being dragged up the walls of my bedroom and being sort of chokeslammed by something onto my cieling. the second night - i thought i took my girlfriend with me. i thought i squeezed her hard to have her bring me out of it - and when i finally wake up - she said i didnt even flinch. We looked it up - and many people have written about it and said it's normal and harmless when under stress and/or abusing opiates.
ok - so the worst point was yet to come. The last script i filled in Florida was going to be a breaking point - either death or done (not purposely or planned.) 180 pills - 9 days. thats about 20 pills a day - for 9 days straight. That resulted in my worst detox to this day. After crying for a day and a half, leaving bruises on myself trying to make the internal bone pain go away by slamming my forearms together as hard as possible and kicking my wodden bedframes with my shinbones as hard as possible, calling my ex-wife and leaving her a hystericall voicemail, and calling my supervisor crying like a bubbling b***h - i finally drive myself into the e.r.. There i layed for a few hours dopes up on Valium and clondidine and was moved into an inpatient rehab building. i layed in the bed for somewhere around 3 days (whiccch honestly seemed like 5 months). In that bed, i convulsed, i cried, i soiled myself, and i fought as hard as i could to not tie the sheet around my neck and hang myself from the doorway. On te fifth day - i walked outside into the Florida sun - and felt more high and amazing and clearheaded than i EVER had. I drove home - ate a normal meal, had ambition to clean my apartment - and was ready to live a real and sober life. i remember calling my mom and talking to her - about nothing really - and she started crying (mind you - she knew nothing about what id just been through - although she was aware of my pill addiction.) i asked why she was crying - and she said "i dont know what it is - but this is the fist time in 2 years i feel like im actually talking to my son."
A month later - i got out of the Navy and moved back to Buffalo. The Dr. had sent me home with one more script which i wasnt able to fill until 3 weeks later. Once home - i felt so amazing mentaly that i didn need the pills. Unfortunately however - the physical pain in my shoulder and back was very real and present. I did eventually fill that script - and did well with them for a while. they did last me the entire month - and the detox was a mere 2 days of minor aches and pains. from that point on - i wass sober from pillsss. i always romised myself id never pay for these pills. however - i grew up in a small town in the suburbs of Buffalo, N.Y.. ittle to my knowledge, many of my old friends were pill addicts. later - i even found out my sister was too. It was kind of funny too - because we both hid it from eaccchother - and it was actually rather funny that when we eventually found out about eachother - it made us bond. So - i was on and off and on and off. I moved into a house with 3 friends. Many of those nights, my one roomate would sit on my bedside and check my pulse and listen to my breathing to make sure the 10-13 Tabs i'd taken haden't killed me. I was nowhere how i was in Florida however - that was until about 4 months ago. i met a kid who can get Lortabs by the 100's and 100's at any given moment. So - i set up shop - and here i am - making anywhere between $60 and $300 a week selling them - on top of having enough left over for a hefty stash. i've been averaging 17 A day. I failed my first semester back becacuse i'd stay up until 3-4 a.m. popping pills and wouldnt be able to get up for class. i barely got through by the skin of my teeth last semester.
I'm finally in the program i want to be in in College - Surical Technology. I'm well aware that i'm not going to pass through it if i can't get this under wraps. I promised my mother and my girlfriend that i was going to detox this past weekend and be done with it. i took a bunch Thursday into early friday morning. I went to slee about 930 am Friday - said my usual prayers that i've said since i was 8 years old - and ended with the new addition i started saying about 4 months ago: "Lord, please let me wake up alive."
One thing i forgot to touch on - is about 3 months ago, i started getting a very common thin called involuntary body paralysis during my sleep. i can feel my brain tighten and loosen and tighten and loosen. along with my legs, feet, hands, and arms. lately - its been worse. i know i'm not breathing right - i'm alert and concious - yet i'm paralized so i can't do anything about it. A week ago - two nights in a row - this happened - and i also Hallucinated that i was being dragged up the walls of my bedroom and being sort of chokeslammed by something onto my cieling. the second night - i thought i took my girlfriend with me. i thought i squeezed her hard to have her bring me out of it - and when i finally wake up - she said i didnt even flinch. We looked it up - and many people have written about it and said it's normal and harmless when under stress and/or abusing opiates.
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