How did I get here....?

[Wishing_on_a_star]

Where to begin.... Well I am 26 yrs old and I am addicted to percocets. It starred about 6 months ago when I had gotten into a car accident and was sent to a pain management dr. Which prescrbed me the pain killers. He gave me 90 10 mg pills a month which never lasted and I would end up buying them off the streets until my next visit to he dr. He was very skeptical of giving them to me in the first place being as I'm such a young girl but the pain is unbearable and I had no choice however I absolutely was abusing them because I couldn't get enough of that wonderful feeling they were giving me hence the running out of pills.
Slowly my life started changing... I didn't want to do ANYTHING, slept till 1pm every day, dreaded even just going to the store to buy cigarettes (another new habbit) I would just lay on the couch and watch tv alllllll day long. I gained about 10 lbs and noticed some serious mood swings and then came to the conclusion that this can no longer go on. But it was too late.... They got me already! I would try to taper but was getting very depressed and then would actually have to take them for pain and it would screw everything up. See this is the messed up part, I really do take them for pain but I want out! Bad! I want to be in control of my life again! So every week for the past month I have said ok this is the week I'm going to stop and I would start to take suboxone to get off these things but everytime I decided today is the day I couldn't handle the back and knee pain that I have so I would say ok tomorrow. Well, tomorrow finally came! Sunday evening at 10pm was my last dose of percocet, of course I overindulged bc I couldn't help myself but think why not? It's going to be my last time. So I got a nice buzz and flushed the rest down the toilet giving me no other option but to stop. So I woke up already feeling slight wd's but tried to stay focused. I went to work at 5pm and finished up by 12am. I felt pretty crappy but besides running to the bathroom and sweating alot it wasn't too bad. When I got home I was still scared to take the suboxone bc I've heard if you take it too soon it put you into immediate wd's. So by 1am which was a full 27 hrs I felt I was safe and took 4mg of suboxone and like magic within 10 mins I felt brand new! I'm glad I made this decision however I have many concerns which is why I'm here. One would be am I just substituting one addiction for another or can I take the suboxone for 3 days and stop without feeling terrible? I don't want to take them I want to be done with everything! Will I feel widthdrawal when I stop if I only take them 3 days? And then my other concern is the pain I'm in... Is there anything I can take that is not going to take control of my life? The pain is pretty bad so I'm really worried I won't be able to work without that burning throbbing pain in my back and my knees... I mean is it possible to be able to only take the painkillers when I'm having a bad day or am I now considered an addict that can not touch these things??? I'm so scared of what is to come. I feel lost... Any input here would be more than appreciated... I really have no one to talk to bc I'm scared of being judged and looked at differently by the people in my life that know me as the strong minded, independent  control freak in the family... Might sound stupid but I can't help the way I feel and the only word that comes to mind to explain that would be sad and vulnerable. Thank you in advance to anyone who will take the time to help a lost girl...
  

[gettingthere23]

i was told if you suddendly stop the saboxens than you will have bad withdrawls BUT if you taper off them the right way that most people dont experience any wds,the most common was feeling tired....thats what my doctor who is amazing i left out in my last post that i tried to make an appointment with him for a friday bcuz wouldnt have ne money because i was ripped off by another dr and the dr i am seeing now told me to come in the next day with no money,i have now seen him twice and he has not charged me,so i dont think he is just trying to make money like the other guy was and also my counseling that i go see once a month recommended saboxen for me,well they both recommended in-patient rehab but thats not an option for me right now because my b.f works and i am the only person who can take care of our daughter,but anyways i trust these drs for some reason which is not normal for me to trust anyone so i will let u all know how my experience goes with the suboxen i just know that i can NOT emotionally handle STAYING clean without them at the moment at least until i get the after-care i really need,and also they have said its completely up to me when i decide i am ready to come off they will tapper me down...we will see thank you all so much for your advice and concerns,i really appreciate it this is my first attepmt to reach out o someone who might understand what im feeling and its a relief to know there really are people out there like me

[gettingthere23]

i was on any opiate i can get basically for about 5yrs,untill bout 9mths ago was just vocodins/norco/lorotabs,then i moved to TN and starting using whatever i could fin oxys,opana,roxys,on top of my 180vicodin prescription that i got every month..i have stopped before and can pretty much "handle" the withdrawls,but it got to the point to where if i didnt have anything i really wanted to die so i found 1st a diff saboxone dr who ripped me then found this new dr who is also a recovering addict and his plan is i chose when i want to be tapered off of the saboxone they are basically to keep me from craving the other opiates while i try to get the emotional help that i really need,see both my parents were drug addicts my entire life,then i was in a car accident when was 13 n was exposed i guess u can say to pain medication at a YOUNG age of 13 but i took myself off them and never touch nething until i was date-raped when i was 19,then i found myself using nething i could opiates seemed to halp me forget that happening and sure enough i lost everything because of them,my husband,one of my children (after the rape i signed custudy of her to her father because i wasnt stabble) my job,my house...i got clean when i got pregnant bout 2yrs ago w/my youngest daughter till another dr put me back on vicodins and it only go wayyyyy worse this time than it ever was..i turned into a evil person,i pushed everyone away from me,unless they could get me my drugs..i just became someone that im not,but neways wow thats alot just wrote,but my dose is one pill a day broke into 4 quarters i just started that 4days ago but im more interested in how do u actually get the motivation i guess u would say to keep off my *** and do what i know i need to do and stop lettin this fear of failure control this because if i dont do something this was all to just be wasted time again and i dont want that i want to be completely drug free,i want to be the best mom to my daugters which neone who does opiates would know it numbs u,how could i give them all the love they deserved when couldnt feel nething,so yea i guess im just wondering how do i find meetings and counsiling,especially counseling,and do forums and things like this help it seems to a little,and are there any chat rooms for people in recovery???

[halfwaythere]

I don't know anything about sub - but I just want to tell you how proud I am of you for seeing the problem and fixing it! That alone shows that you are still the strong, in-control woman you always have been.
I understand about not wanting to tell friends and family; sadly it is a stigma even though imo it shouldn't be.
I see and feel the same things you do - the changes in my life and in me that I don't like. And I love the way the pills make me feel... except that's the lie, right? Because, sure they make us happy and 6ft-tall-and=bulletproof for a little while, but they also make us not want to do anything and sleep the day away and get a grip that is so hard to be free of.

[Wishing_on_a_star]

Hey I am not sure if you had read all of the posts on this but I did 3 days and went off and it worked for me and a few others that I know. I did not suffer wd's at all (well physically anyway, besides pain) I really went through the mental part really harsh and the body aches which I'm still dealing with but I'm taking muscle relaxers and aleve for the pain and a low dose of xanex for the anxiety. I wish you the best of luck! I advise you to stop the subs now before they get you. Good luck and please keep me posted!

[worried878]

what was ur prior DOC and dose gettingthere?
sub is a last ditch effort for those who relapse over and over
it is a strong narcotic like methadone and is hard to shake
There is a guideline of 21 days on sub without it reaching in and grabbing u///to avoid sub addiction
I do not know what ur goals r...nor ur past.....if ur goal is to avoid wds i would get off that superpower narc as quickly as i could//cos sub wds are no picnic

if ur goal is maintenence due to continued relapse...then be sure u have a good sub dr....and if u ever decide to taper off..he can help u

there is no easy way out of this mess...sub can ease wds....it can grab u as well and become another DOC...making a plan..knowing ur goals..setting ur boundaries can all help a lot

be safe on the sub...remember it is a strong narcotic

[worried878]

Gosh
wouldnt it be nice if we could go back and start all over
do things differently on our second go around?
Unfortunately we can not...so i guess i can only attempt to keep moving forward

[gettingthere23]

i just starting taking saboxone 4 days ago and i have been feeling really uncontrollably anxious,i dont know if its because i am nervous,scared of everything that i have to do because getting completely clean and living sober is all that i can think about,i want it so bad..i dont know i guess i am  just wondering if anyone has any advice about saboxones,or recovery...and maybe some help with where to exactly start ony my road to recovery because right now it just feels very overwhelming and i dont want to set myself up for failure,i want this more than i've ever wanted anything!!!

[Wishing_on_a_star]

I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this as well.. And believe me there's a strong part of me that doesn't want to stop but I know that there are no other options for me. It's either stdy on the meds and let life pass by being numb and not truly enjoying it (even though you think you're enjoying it more on the meds) orrrrr be drug free and live a real life. A life that has it's ups and downs but you learn how to deal with them without numbing yourself.... I think if you haven't already you should read everything everyone has written to me, I think you will find it very inspiring and encouraging to get off these things. The pain is terrible, I know believe me I'm laying here right Now with an ace bandage wrapped around my knee and an ice pack with a pillow under it praying for the pain to go away and to top it off right now I'm waitressing. And bartending running around like a maniac in all this pain bc I need to save money for my own business. But u do what u gotta do.... Life's too short and I want to enjoy every moment of it (not in a fog) hopefully the pain will go away in a few wks like ppl are telling me... I think you should really consider coming off them and now is the perfect time bc you're running out. We can do this together :) msg me if you would like... I'm heree for support and it's nice tohave someone to go through something like this together. Best of luck to you. Be strong and think about what a beautiful life you can have....

And Janet... Best of luck to you tomorrow!! It's never too late and the subs are really good if used properly from my experience. Keep me posted.  You will Both be in my thoughts and prayers.

[whthappened]

Im impressed with you and admire you for trying this. I like you dont know how this happened to me. I trided to get off a couple weeks ago and the pain and body aches was too much to bear so I got back on the meds. I had done cocaine and any other drug and never had this kind of problem. I feel trapped. I was in bad pain and a friend gave me a couple of his vicodin and it made me feel like a superhero..I could go to work and play with my kids after and the euphoria was incredible. I had a nervous breakdown in January and the meds are the only thing that has been able to keep me going because it takes away my pain and lifts my spirits it incredible. Its sad but i dont want to get off and I hate running out and going to the doctor because hes treating me like a dope fiend now..ugh whats next?

[janet19]

I am going to a suboxone treatment clinic tomorrow. I WANT MY LIFE BACK. I just keep struggling and struggling and have decided to try Sub. I am sort of afraid of it but the pros sound so promising. I myself don't know if I am doing the right thing.

It is good that you are trying and you can succeed if you set your mind to it. I have been addicted to some type of drug since I was 13 and I am now 51. I had some clean time but always get drawn back in. I have a bad back and was in a car accident in 94 and things just picked up from there. I have chronic pain, everyday also. I have so many pains lately I don't know if I am just making them up. some could be rebound and that happens.

I am tired of sweating. diarrhea, nausea and no energy and being in pain constantly.

You can do this just be strong or trust me it will get worse every relapse and it comes back more fierce than the last time.

[Wishing_on_a_star]

I can do this! I'm just going to take it one day at a time and stop focusing on tomorrow. I decided that it is worth it to at least try and keep moving forward... So I've picked myself back up and did a little dusting lol and I'm going to continue to try my hardest to stay focused and not fall. Thank you all so much for lifting up my spirits! Idk what I would do without you guys :)  

[flmagi]

I haven't read threw all the posts here, so I may be repeating something already said.
Please be extremely careful when taking any amounts of Sub with other prescription medication, especially anti-anxiety meds(different from antidepressants), this could be a deadly combo. Suboxone should be used under doctor supervision.
Many people relapse because of pain. Pain will intensify 100 fold during withdrawals. I live with chronic pain too, and every time I tried to stop the pain meds, my pain was sooo bad, I would relapse, saying "my pain is real and I really need the pain meds". Well, that wasn't true. It took 2-3 weeks for my natural pain killers to kick back in, and my real pain was pretty manageable with Advil etc.   So keep in mind, it will take a few weeks of no Prescription meds (including Sub) to know what your real pain level is. Plan for this time period, accept it. Plan to be very, very tired. It happens and is normal.
Good luck to you, keep fighting, even if you falter. Get back up. You can do it.

[IBKleen]

Hi,

I didn't read through all of the responses here so bear with me if I am repeating what others may have mentioned.

It sounds like you were off a few days? If so, you have to try and be patient and give it a bit more time. It is very possible you are experiencing pain from the withdrawal or rebound pain. That is normal and many of us who have legitimate pain find that our pain level does get better once we are off of them for a time. It is hard to wait to find out if that is the case but if it is then there are alternatives. I suffer with chronic and debilitating pain every day but I have found some things that help ease the pain. Some days it is bad, some it is not. But not being on the pills is worth every pain I have.

If you can hang in there and give it a little more time without anything, then make the decision about your pain level and see what you can do from there. I just hate to see you go back on the meds at such a young age and you find out 30 years from now that the pills have destroyed organs and muscle an tissue, etc. And they will eventually do that. If you can find an alternative now...do it.

Let us know how you are doing. You are in my thoughts.

[pattifan]

2 pills is not the end of the world. It doesn't mean going back to square one either.

You can just pick yourself up, dust yourself off and keep on going!

Gnarly coped with severe pain during withdrawal, and I'm sure he will be along with further advice.

You've done far too well to give up, so stay with us!

Thinking of you

[Wishing_on_a_star]

Thanks for the encouragement guys! Its so nice to know I don't have to feel embarrassed coming back here. Well I didn't take any more, I left it at those 2 and am starting another day.... Another day of pain without meds. I'm not gonna lie though... I'm startingg to think maybe I'm better off taking them... either way with or without the pills I'm miserable but at least with them I'm not in physical pain. This has to be one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with.... I am losing my enthusiasm and my pain is getting worse... I keep praying but.... nothing. Does anyone have a similar story to mine with the pain that you succeeded and would be willing to share? I need to hear some success stories lol I need to get my enthusiasm back.

[bucksfan]

You are not a failure. In life we fall down many times but the strong ones pick themselves up. Do not leave this site or feel like anyone would ever be upset or judge you over that. I tried quitting so many times its ridiculous. Each time I returned to this site the community greeted me with open arms. You can do this, like the other's say you only lost a battle but you have not lost the war. I always like to think of an American Icon G. Washington. You know that he lost most of his BATTLES in the beginning but he ended up winning the WAR! Let's try again my friend. It will not be as bad as what you went through if you stopped with only those two!

[pattifan]

Hi Wishing,

Please don't beat yourself up about this, and come back on line ASAP.

We're still behind you,and will be waiting to try and support you through this.

Thinking of you.

Take care

[gnarly_1]

HI.....first off your not a failure .....you lost a battle in a war...you dident loose the war and if you stop now you wont have set yourself back much....I will be the first to tell you this is hard to do...it takes a few trys for some people so dont give up....its tuff when your in pain
but soon you will be looking for that buzz if you keep using....I know your out of your comfort zone with meetings but they really do help.....right now your crushed emotionally in your mind you failed at something you really tryied hard at...if strong will could do this it would be ez  but strong will alone is not enough.....addiction is cunning and baffling we do things that dont make sense...if you remember I was the one that told you this was 1/3 physical and 2/3 mental its often the mental part that brings us to our knees ...please trust me and get some outside support whatever kind you choose this forum is huge for all of us but it dosent replace in person help...if you keep it up you will have thrown all you worked so hard for away...if you get up dust yourself off use this as a learning experience you will have gained knowledge on the enemy ...im so sorry I forgot to tell you get rid of all the pills around you...if there there ....you will use them...I cant even look at a prescription bottle sitting there without being tempted ...try not to get to discouraged tomorrow is another day and we do this one day at a time...just for today...I suffer with a chronic bad back...pain is a really BIG trigger for me to use....I get past it now but its still hard...YOU CAN DO THIS...start over tomorrow will still be here and you will beat this thing...I will say a prayer for you...good luck and God bless......Gnarly        

[Wishing_on_a_star]

I have failed.... I couldn't take the pain any longer and took 2 10mg percocets...(1 the first time then the 2nd about 2 hrs after)  I'm feeling better physically but I'm so dissapointed in myself... I was doing so well! Ughhh back to square one???? Does this throw everything away????? I'm at a loss for words and mentally exhausted... :( there has to be another solution... Another way... Not to be in pain! Sorry to dissapoint you guys... I feel like such a failure...  

[bucksfan]

You can do it Wishing. 12 days man that is so far along!! I wish I was there but I will be in a few more days. I would not throw all that away! I am sorry you are in pain.

[gnarly_1]

hey Girl you can do this....right now your getting whats called rebound pain ..it is pain that is exaggerated from the lack of endorphins in your brain...your brain is use to being slamed with them from the pills now it is going to have to make them for itself this will take a little wile but once you start producing endorphins naturally again things like 800mg ibuprofine
will take the edge off of it...the body has the ability to fight off pain on its own and with the help of some otc stuff you will be suprizes at how well your pain can be managed right now try some alive...ibuprofine...and tylonol  you can take combination's of them for some releaf but it really going to just take some time for your brain to come back on line ....I suffer with 2 bad disks in my back as well as 3 deteriorating and today im in less pain then I was on the narcotics...a lot of members here have found the same...so just hang in there do your best to push past it and releaf is on the way good luck and God bless.....Gnarly      

[Wishing_on_a_star]

Oh the pain! I can't sit, I can't stand, everyyything I do but lay down hurts me. I'm at work and literally tearing up the pain is so bad! Idk what to do... Are these the wd pains still or is this my real pain? I can't take it anymore! But I'm hanging in there... 12 days and counting.....

[pillfree21]

Actually, what you are describing is pretty much the normal, the trick is that you have to beleive it gets better with time and continue to hang on.....have you tried melatonin for sleep?  Different strokes for different folks, but it really worked for me to get at least 5-6 hours a night, evening exercise included.

I caution you about thinking it will all be over at one time, it falls away in pieces which makes it hard to notice, but yoy are gettting better each day.  from time to time, I would also calculate the amount of money I was saving from not going to the methadone clinic, just as a motivator.

Music, movies, constant activity all helped me keep my mind off the pain.

[Wishing_on_a_star]

5:55am and I'm still up. :(  I don't get it I've barely been sleeping and working soooo much but yet... Can't sleep! I'm even taking xanex and that usually knocks me right out but nope, nothing! Well it's been 10 days and I don't feel any better... I mean I do in a sense of freedom, like not having to worry about how many pills I have or when my dr appt is or if i want to stay out of the house as long as I feel like I can... It's the simple things I guess but other than that I'm tired cranky emotional and kinda mean... I thought by now things would be different. Also I was expecting to lose weight bc I gained 10 lbs from taking the percs so I figured as soon as I stopped that weight would fly right off and I can be back into my size 4's :) lol but I'm not!!! What's up with that? Anyone have any insight? And pillfree21, being as your fairly newly clean and everythings still so fresh in your memory and maybe even still feeling some of the changes I was hoping you can fill me in (preferrably in detail lol) plus I just look forward to you guys posting :) it puts me in good spirits!