How do I do this again. Need support

My first withdrawl (withdrawal) was from Methadone for Fibromyalgia. It took 6 months, I thought I would die many times but i did make it. After that I got my dream job in the medical field,I ended up having 3 surgeries in 3 years.it was the last one that took me out.I was completely hooked on Tramadol.I detoxed at home and can say it was as bad if not worse than Methadone. Within 3 months I was back on them for the next year. Almost every part of my life was ruined. I couldn't put them through another withdrawl (withdrawal), so I did one in a detox hospital in California.I could write a very long scary book about that experience but wont go there.When I came home I was sooo extremely sick. Severe anxiety, severe depression, could hardly eat or sleep for months.I started to come back to life after 3 months.I got a job I really enjoy and was starting to have hope.That's when my husband started to pass kidney stones. Long story short, I took his meds. Percocet. I was filling it behind his back and lying to the Dr.'s and Nurses. By the time I knew I could no longer do this my body was addicted again. I am so beyond angry at myself!!   How could I do this to my family again??  I started a taper 5 days ago and had my last piece of a pill Thursday night. The physical hasn't been as bad as the others but the mental is hell.  My Birthday is Monday and my kids can't wait. How can I possibly have a Birthday?  On top of it I have the flu with a sinus infection. I could really use some people who know and undestand where I'm at. I feel like a dead empty shell, life doesn't even feel real. I don't have any family and have cut off most all friends, I'm too ashamed to let them know after all they did to help my huband while I was gone over the Summer.  If anyone has any advice or encouragement I could really use it. I don't think I will live through another few months in bed alone.    Scarlett

[Pat1956100]

I know the depression that comes with detox so well.  It is so horrible but just know that it will pass.  
You have to stop beating yourself up.  You are an addict.  You didn't set out to become an addict, none of us did.  It happened and now that we know we have no control over pills we have to stop taking them to get our life back and be happy.
I have relapsed several times but I found that once I made the decision to quit, I could never be happy again until I did quit. It wasn't fun anymore.
You have made a big step in stopping the pills so congratulate yourself and be very proud. It is hard to do.
I suggest that you somehow get some type of counseling or start attending NA meetings.  You need some support and you will get it there.

I really feel for you and all that you have been through in this battle for our lives.  You are getting your life back.  Keep fighting.

[scarlett34]

Thanks Pat.  I can tell myself in time it will be ok and I know it will but a few months seems like a lifetime when each minute is so miserable.

I think I need to find a way to get my mind on something else. Thanks for the advice. I know none of us set out to do this but it hurts so bad to hurt the ones you love, especially children.

[OpenMind24hours]

Scarlett, don't be angry at yourself. As addicts we use. That's what we do. And our inability to control our using is just another symptom of addiction. I say symptom because our addiction is a disease, not some type of social failure. Zig Ziglar wrote "failure is an event not a person". Your disease relapsed Scarlett, not you. But you're doing the right thing reaching out and asking for help; just like you would for any other disease. You're admitting powerlessness over your drug of choice and that's half the battle right there. My NA text book tells us addicts "it is not where we were that counts, but where we are going. I think you sound like you're fed up & done with using and are about to start recovery. That's where you're going :-)

If you were living with something like Lupis you'd still celebrate your birthday. You have addiction, but you can still smile on your birthday because, as I keep saying, addiction is a disease. That's good news! Keep posting and have a happy birthday!