How do I my marriage work, despite his addiction

[cinamon68]

I have been married to my husband for almost five years.  When we married I was unaware that he had a problem with crack.  We have been fighting this battle to together for the last 41/2 years since I found out.  We have been through it all.  He has spent time in jail, spent time in a half way house, gone to meetings, read literature, tried to quit cold turkey.   He has disappeared for days at a time, anymore it is no more than a few hours at a time.  I don't know where he goes or who he is with.  He has stolen money from me and told more lies than I care to mention.  He has been unavailable to me emotionally and physically at times when I really needed him.

Despite all this along with his continuing empty promises to stop and get help, I still love this man for reasons too numerous to mention.  I know myself well enought to know I will not divorce him and I am in this for better for worse till the end, what ever that end may be.  I have stopped making idle threats because they serve no purpose and he has called my bluff one too many times.  I believe this man loves me dearly; but he loves crack more and she is a mistress I cannot fight.

So my questions is this.  Since I will not leave, how do I maintain my sanity in this marriage, and put a  healthy distance between his distructive behaviour and myself without putting up a wall that causes the destruction of my already fragile marriage.  I believe that they call it detaching with love.  I would appreciate advice from anyone out there who has made a chose to stay in the marriage despite the actions of the abuser.

To most people he is just a worthless addict; but I know a part of him that no one else does.  Can anyone out there reading this understand where I'm at?

[Ga Guy]

I understand it, but from the other side. Besides getting counseling for yourself, which I think would help dearly, I think you should understand that his drug use seems very personal to you...but, they aren't. Addicts have little control sometimes. Although it seems like a personal choice to pick the drugs over you, it's the addiction that's making the choice for him. It's time for you to be a little selfish yourself and get some help for YOU.

[lunachick]

A lot of us in here can relate to your situation from both sides. Deep inside every horrible addict is still the same human being they were before. I remember going into the crappiest state run detox center in my city, and seeing toothless dirty crack wh*res come in there completely out of their mind, and then a week passes by and there stood before me a completely normal coherent human being (just from getting clean). You still see the guy you married..and it's hard to see past that. My boyfriend did the same thing. I'm not going to tell you exactly what to do with your life like many people in here do, cause it's your choice, but I guarantee you if he doesn't get help it won't get any better for either of you.

[liscamdave]

I agree with Ga Guy. It's not a personal attack, or lack of love for you, it is the addict within him. It took me a long, long time to understand that it wasn't that my parents didn't love me, they just couldn't love me the way a child needs to be loved. They were both addicts, and their addictions overpowered them both. When they both died from their addictions, I hated them because I felt like they loved their drugs more then me and my brother, and it seemed like they did. But they were powerless. I wish they would have woken up and tried to get help before their addictions sent them to an early grave, but they never did. And you would think from that expereince and also losing my husband to an overdose last july, I would f*ing wake up and stop this before my daughter loses me. Just know that I am sure he loves you, but right now, he is not thinking about anything but his next fix. He needs help. Have you tried intervention, or possibly leaving him threatening to not come back till he gets help. He has to want to get help for himself. Not for anyone else, no offense. An addict may get clean, but will never stay clean unless they truly want to end their addiction. My heart goes out to you. Good luck and feel free to come here and vent to us. I have been coming here since March and it has helped me tremendously.

Take Care, Lisa

[beachtowel]

Your story hits home with me no I am not in your shoes but I have been in his with a few different women.......
I am single today which will explain what there decisions were.......
One women stayed with me for almost two years of one of my binges and I feel so bad for the **** that I put her through....
To your question Crack cocaine abuse is one of the most serious addictions there is and when someone is activly using Crack they live in an insanity only demons could explain........
He can't stop once he starts......
He will either have to go to jail or completely exhaust all $$$$ resorces before he will quit then time will allow the drug to leave his blood stream and he will be able to have rational thoughts......
For you to love this man that unconditionally is amazing today with divorce rates up to 50%.....
If you could ever get him to see an addiction counselor a couple of times a month if its the right one it could do wonders.......
You will never force him into an inpatient detox where he needs to go.......a six month detox would do him a world of good if you could only get him there.......
I wish one day to meet someone like you who loves uncondtionally like your post describes I would love her till the day she died and forever after......

[Calzy]

I am glad to hear you want to stay by your husband side so dig in and find out all you can about the crack cocaine addiction other than what your husband tells you. You need to be of sound mind to tackle this so do what you need for yourself first.  It's so hard to quit that drug with the quick high you get, but he knows the high is not as good as it was and it only lasts about 10 min or so and it gets old even though your hooked. Maybe you and his family or yours or a good friend can come to him when he is down and out and he might be willing to look for help then. As you know it's going to be rough for the first week or so if he runs out and if there is no rehab clinic to use you will need the comfort meds for him if he tries to detox at home. Every one will offer a way to help but you have to do it the way you know best. Good Luck

[crackkills]

I am living your exact life, it seems. I have been married for five years this coming up February and my husband has been addicted to crack for the last 2/12 to 3 years and it has been one hell of a ride. Despite what people tell me to do , I made the firm decision to stick it out no matter what. I took my vows seriously , thru SICKNESS and in health to DEATH do us part. It has been up and down for about 3 years, he'll stay clean for a couple of months and then Bam! He messes up for a couple of days, will come home, crying and just about sucidal b/c he couldn't believe what he's done. He's been to one 28 day rehab and relapsed 3weeks after he got out, he's been to outpatient rehabs and countless NA meetings. He is the best husband and father when he's clean, that's why I love him and why I married him. He has the will to quit, he's not a strung out,. every day addict so this is what keeps me holding on. He has a problem w/ relapsing every 6-10 weeks and it's been that way for awhile. Well, about a month ago and he relpased again ( expected ) and this time it was for a week ( the longest ever ) when I told him he could not come back home and I was done being his enabler. He called of course, I would not answer, I cut him off completely, even tho it hurt ALOT. Another week went by and he was staying at his mothers's house and she would tell me when he's leave and come back so it was apparent to me he was still messing up. He called me one day and said he was going to a rehab, he called himself, got himself enrolled and left three days later on a bus out of state, he will be gone for 14 months. Before he left , me and the kids spent the weekend w/ him and it was great and sad. He hit his rock bottom this time and only b/c he realized he was going to lose me and the kids for good! He's still in the rehab and has a year left. We talk on the phone and write constantly but he is doing great and I can't wait to see the changed man and have my old husband back! My advise to you would be to leave him ( it will hurt, i know ) but if a crack addict can live this life w/ no consequences for their actions they will and it will never change, it will only get worse. You are in my prayers - Email me if you want to talk or have questions : memry_broome***@****

XoXo
Memry

[Savas]

Well...you've stated you know you can't change him, and you won't leave him. I suppose you'll have to keep all accounts in your name, not allowing him access, make sure you don't give him any responsibility that could be severely damaging to your life or your kids (do you have kids?)

Whether its his addiction speaking or not, he's not behaving as a "marriage partner". I got the impression that he's hardly around, spends at least half his time binging. Is this true?

Regardless, the only way to try keep your sanity and stay with him is to expect absolutely nothing from him. An addict will always let you down, and do the wrong thing while in the throes of their addiction.

If you do that, you can at least minimize the damage he does. Can you do that? And be happy with it?

[NautyOne]

you cant maintain......take it from someone who knows.  Something will eventually happen if it hasn't already and will continue till he either gets help or you leave him.  My bet is on you, but I hope he gets clean for your sake and yours.

[slideshow]

You are getting advise from one extreme to the other.   I am a romantic....Do you love him?  Does he love you?   I knew I could not let my eife go, when whe used to come 100 miles on a greyhound bus on weekends to see me in an alcohol dry out center.........He needs your support, but you don't need your life destroyed......Its hard....Maybe you can love him into a detox center, then support him while hes there.  Then don't let him start back up, if possible......Coke is a STRONG drug.....Sometimes NOTHING turns on the lightbulb for us, jail, loss of a partner, death fo a friend, NOTHING....That said, it is worth a try.......

[slideshow]

sheeesh, I meant I could not let my "wife" go, when "she" used to come see me on a bus......typo king here.

[slideshow]

I should have said, I understand.  My wife stuck by me, during the hardest of times...It was not easy, but her sticking by me is what finally lit my lightbulb.     Stick by him............Don't let him destroy you, but stick by the man.  It "might" be just what he needs.  I know its what I needed.  We have now been married 24+ years with two kids 23 and 17.   My family is my life NOT Coke.  Give him a family to replace the Coke/Crack whichever.  I'm not suggesting that you have kids, before he shows positive change, but I am suggesting that love can conquer all.  Do practice adequate self defense, but don't desert him......He has alwyas been deserted, thats why the Coke is so far his best friend.   It never deserts him....It might kill him, but it won't desert him.

[Sydney Smyth]

I agree also,addiction is soo powerful,despite the consequenses we continue to do it.I was married for 5yrs also and my husband and I became addicts together.Whe did things we would have never done,treated eachother terribly,and lost everything.I finally realized that love is not enough.I am now divorced and this has made us best friends.He is clean for the most part except the every once in a while drinking or vicodin,but we were oxycotin addicts then got on methadone.Nothing helped.The damage that had been done to our marriage could never be repaired.I still love him dearly but if together we'd just drag eachother down.I wish we could go back to b 4 addiction and the terrible things we put eachother through but once done there is no way to undo the damage.good luck.I think you need to give him ultamatems and stick to them.If it means him leaving tell him youll be tere when he is truly ready to get help always.

[Sydney Smyth]

I must ad after I divorced him he got some self worth and is now the person he used to be,honey you have to do the tough love thing,he's an addict and will push all limits and walk all over you as it sounds that he has.You should think about getting some counseling regarding this please for your sanity and no one wants to see you in the same boat as him.I do not know how you've managed this long,I loved my husband to death still do,but i accepted the reality of it.I must add I was and am against divorce.But for my recovery I had no other option,it hurts bad but things got sooo much better for us both and our children who no longer are brought up in that enviroment.You can beat this please talk to a good counselor,perhaps an addiction counselor.good luck,i feel your pain

[Savas]

I almost didn't answer this one originally. She says her husband is a crack addict, and from what I've seen, crack addiction is a special kind of hell. I've done coke, and been told there's no comparison between coke and crack. I've never touched crack, was just to afraid I might really like it.
     It's chiefly a mental addiction...you can take coke/crack away, and the suffering is minimal (physically) compared to other drugs. You know the old saying where the junkies are cursing the crack addicts when arrested, because they kick cold turkey really hard in the cell, while the crack addict yells for a while, gets tired, then rolls over and goes to sleep?.
People I've seen/known who go down the crack road seem to lose themselves more than anyone, and strip away anything that was once "good" about themselves. The damage is pretty scary, right up there with severe alcohol. These are two drugs that severely affect the brain center. But crack seems to destroy the centers of the brain that regulate self control, erase the barriers that keep up sane and non-violent.
Heroin users don't really degenerate mentally, unless it's from other causes due to addictive behavior. Alcoholics...? Yes, eventually, after long, hard core abuse.

Crack? It can kill you mentally fast and hard. So I don't know. If she's going to stay until the bitter end...it will probably be fairly soon, and fairly horrible. So yes, she can try...but if he won't stop, there isn't much hope.

[slideshow]

I am of course afraind that you are right, but I just can't help being the romantic I am.   I don't want her to self destruct, just ot give the boy one last chance to love her back.....I now the coke is hard, the rock is harder,        My wife saved me, so that giives me hope that others "can" although unlikely be saved.

[chi-town guy]

slideshow~ In spite of the odds of failure with crack, i'm with you that her love for him can win out over this addiction. I know alot of ppl that used crack and made it through as i did. It's over 25 years since i filled my veins with coke which is about the same as using crack for the intense high and i could not wait for the next hit. I was mid 20's and around the same time banging coke, got busted for possession, felony & 5 other charges, a few of my friends were dying from drug related deaths, OD, car wrecks, shooting. 1 yr later after charges dropped off and still a heavy user of all kinds of street drugs of the time,  i join the service in 79 and c/t and detox in boot camp. Dont remember much but i know i was there by the pictures and than made it through my 6 year hitch with a 4.0 avg and never used street drugs again. I guess i was clean for about 8 to 10 yrs before taking opiates for pain and stress. IMO it will be a long term commitment of some kind to be free from the crack. Getting away from the friends, peer pressure and even moving or something major may need to take place along with the love that was expressed for recovery to work. Sorry to be so long but this is a life worth saving and my pray will be part of what i can offer and the power that it brings.  
Chi-Town Guy  

[Savas]

Actually, I agree with you. I just wanted to be sure she realizes how hard it will be, and that the chance for success isn't high. That said, at least she can go into it prepared. I guess I'm pessimistic like that.:)

But hey, you can't know unless you try, right?

[slideshow]

Methinks that you are quite the romantic too my friend...Its just that I owe my life to my wife....The love and companionship and loyalty she offered me turned on that lightbulb that Beach talks about some....It wasn't right away, actually we did some Coke together at first, until we both realized it was a big fat NO.....My lightbulb came on when I was all alone, physically, after a large line got my heart beating so fast I was thinking I may have to call an ambulance.    That say, in prayer, I cut a deal with God, let me live through this one and I will NEVER do Coke again....I simply has too much to lose, my wife, my son, who was a baby at the time, and my daughter who was not even dreamed of yet.    That's why I am a romantic about the stuff, because romance (not passion and sex, but mental support, trust, and loyalty) saved me.   I can never repay her, but she does not expect repayment.  She just expects me to be a responsible and loyal husband and a good father..  I am.

[cinamon68]

I can't express in words how much your post have meant to me.  You just have no idea (or maybe you do) how much I needed the little thread of hope you have offered me in your words.  While I understand the odds are against him and us, the hopeless romantic and old fashioned fuddy duddy that I am (hence, till death do us part) won't let me let go.  There are moments that I believe I will, but I know deep down I'm in this for the long haul.  I appreciate your honesty about what lies ahead and the odds that we both face.  All of you a truly a blessing to me and I thank my Lord that I stumbled (and  I do mean stumbled) across the site.  Yesterday I was completely without any hope at all and emotionally I had nothing left.  Today, I feel that hope, however small it may be.  And my love for him is as strong as the day I met him.  I will continue to fight this;  yes, I am willing to pay the price, even though I may not realize how great that price might be.  I witnessed first hand the ultimate price that can be paid.  My first husband lost his life to alcohol and coke.  (I know, your saying, are you nuts.  You did this once and your doing it again.)  I didn't have a clue about my current husbands addiction until after we were married.  He is very good at hiding things from me.  VERY GOOD.  I was already in way over my head and totally committed to him before I realized what I was into.  But I took my vows as seriously the second marriage to my current husband as I did my first when I married my high school sweetheart, the father of my five children.  I would have done anything for him and I stuck by him till the end which was not a pretty one.  But I know he knew how much I loved him; he just couldn't conquer the demons that held him.  I know he's up there watching over me and my kids and sometimes I go out to the lake where he died and I talk to him about my current situation.  I feel his presence and I feel him telling me to not give up on my current husband.  It may sound kind of odd that I talk to my first husband about the man I'm married to now but he was my best friend for 20 years.  We raised each other and then began raising our children.  I know he wants me to be happy and he would want me to stick by my current husband the way I stuck by him.

I'm sorry.  I did not intend to ramble on this way.  I just got started and got carried away.  I haven't felt this free to talk about such personal things in a long time.

Thanks again to all of you for the ear to listen and the shoulder to cry on.

[Calzy]

This is a great place just to get things out and and as you said free to talk and that is so important to release the inner emotions that build up and cause such great pain. You sound to be a very brave women with a very tender heart and i hope you can receive some kind of counseling for you to talk to someone about all of this going on in your life. I hope that your husband would at least level with you about his addiction and talk to you about what he is feeling and what he has to do to cope. If the lines of communacation could open up than a trust would be built with him towards you and than he might start seeing things a little different and want to help himself. Not until i started telling my ex the truth about my addiction was i able to get a handle on it and she was willing to help me.  As your husband can not do it along, either can you so i pray you find the understanding you are looking for.

[cinamon68]

It's amazing you brought the whole issue of trust because I believe that is a huge barrier between us right now.  I have done some things that I know has caused him to not be able to trust me with his illness and addiction.  I am ashamed to admit I have done things like calling the cops on him numerous times hoping hey would arrest him for being high; they did not.  Just lectured him on what an irresponsible stepfather and husband he was being and told him how lucky he was to have a home and a woman that loved him.  I have kicked him out numerous times when I thought i could take it no more only to let him come home because I knew when I was kicking him out that I would take him back.  Isn't that stupid?  And every time I called the cops and turned on him and kicked him out and told him how worthless he was I was depleting the trust he had put in me.  I became the enemy.  Yesterday when slideshow said, "Don't desert him, everyone in his life has except the coke; I felt that comment deep down in the pit of my gut."  I suddenly realized that while I can't control his addiction I have been contributing the some of the behavour that is killing this relationship.  He does not feel safe with me anymore and he sees me as the enemy.  I tell him I love him but my actions speak betrayal and hate; and yes, in a fit of rage I've even screamed, "I Hate you!".  I guess for me part of the confusion comes in when I feel like by not reacting dramatically to his using, I am in turn sending a message to him that I am o.k. with his drug use.  Does that make any sense at all?  And I know I need to get some help for me, I'm just not sure where to start.  I'm used to helping others, not myself.

[Calzy]

I am coming from the husband who tried to hide my opiate addiction from my ex-wife for over 13 years and i would lie every time my wife would asked whats wrong with me that she became unable to cope with me because there were no answers to why i was SICK all the time when either i was high on pain pills or i was in withdrawal's.For years she kept saying she was sorry that i was sick and thought it was her fault in some way as you described your feelings are. I hear you blaming yourself for asking him questions, than yelling at him out of frutsation, than leaving him for awhile, than calling the cops --------- do you see you have done all you can to figure out why your husband can not respond in a normal manner because he is living in addiction so he is not acting as a loving husband or a caring father (not that is does not care ) because we become so numb from our drugs. My wife did all she could to help me and i mean all but i push her away when she would asked if i was taking something and i would yell at her NO I'M NOT. My wife would yell at me when i did not move out of bed for the entire weekend from fri when i got home from work until mon morning when i would shower and leave. I would go and find some pills on Mon and i would call her and say everything if fine and i was just sick over the weekend, month after month yr after yr. We have 4 children including twins to booth and i was not very supportive when it came to keeping up with the kids and giving her a break. I could go on and on but my point is until he will completly level with you about his use, it's not going to work and he will continue to lie about how he feels when he high and when he hurting but you probable know all the looks, but you can only assume your right because he wont talk. Just try to tell him you know all about what he is doing and even when the denial comes out in him just let him know you know whats going on in a nice even voice. Ask him to just let you in his world and that you won't ride his butt. Find out where he can get some help again  and when he is really down is when you can offer him that place to go and be ready to move if he says yes. Also be ready to move out quickly he he turns on you. You should keep a suit case full some where else in case you have to leave in a hurry. I never hurt my ex physically but the emotional abuse was just has bad and she warn me over and over she would move on and she did just to have a normal relationship for a while. Thats hard to take now take i am staying sober but i was warned. Hope yours is a happy ending. Please make some kind of plans to go by with your husband and found someone you can trust that can help you dealing with your feelings.        

[Savas]

You may want to try Al anon, they're a group for family members of addicts (why do I suspect you know this already?  :)  )

I do hope you get your wish. It's not impossible. People do sometimes change and "get fed up".  

Don't feel bad about the things you've "done to him". He did break trust with you first, after all. And you can always point out that if he genuinely is seeking help, then you'd be willing to "let all that go". If he can learn to do that, he'd be well on the way to finding a way to stop. Addicts tend to "chew the gristle" of old slights and wrongs done to them. It's an unhealthy mindset, and doesn't help matters, addiction or not.

[slideshow]

Your screen name makes me hungry..........I love Cinamon buns......but can't ave them.........shoot