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Avatar universal

How do i convince myself I dont want pills or substitutes anymore?

I've had an addictive personallity since high school.. Im 32 now and its getting old quick. I started smoking bud in high school, then moved onto meth fairly quick thanks to my f**k it let me try it attitutde. I used meth about a year then went cold turkey in 2002, ive of corse relapsed since then a few times, but have maintained a no meth policy for years now. When i stopped meth though, i moved to beer, when i quit beer, i moved to Vicodin, then thats when they got me by the balls, vicodins felt dam good in the beginning, i couldnt get enough, then when my body said thats crap aint workin like it was, i went to norcos, woo hoo, back in business, dam now those suck, lets try oxy, woo hoo back in business, now anything short of morphine in an IV or dilaudid barley takes away my withdrawals in large enough quantities to OD a newbie... Basically, besides the common sense answers of, just believe you dont want it or need it, or dude you answered youre own question, hopefully someone out there knows what im trying to ask here lol. I blamed my addictions on my back, even though it really is injured, it was my way of rationalizing my pill taking to me and my familly, they obviously dont know that i have to take 10 Norcos broken at once to feel a buzz, or 3 60mg Oxycontins to feel something. honestly, i think im always going to want some sort or head change, **** maybe just realizing thats a start lol. Maybe its reality im trying to escape, i dont know for sure, but if any one reading this relates, feel free to comment. thanks.
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Avatar universal
Everyone above gave you great advice. I'm gonna be a bit tough on you though. You wrote a novel just there. We all have long stories. It doesn't matter how you got here. Are you high right now? If so, what and when are you gonna do about it? From your history, sounds like you are galloping towards death's door.

Do you want to stop? Really want? We all didn't know how we were gonna function w/o opiates: ALL OF US. It's a minute at a time. But, all you need to answer (to yourself) is can I begin NOT using now? And if yes, everyone on here can help you day and night!:)
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Avatar universal
What literally scared me the most was losing my dad. He had 2 heart attacks, one big stroke and two small ones fairly close together back in the 90's, he survived all of those but was placed on a regimen of many different medications to stabilize his systems, 14 different ones to be exact. Some once a day, some twice a day some three a day. After taking these medications from 1996 to 2014, his organs seriously suffered. His kidneys and liver were forced to filter these medications from his body, making them work overtime. He began swelling up in his abdominal area, feeling weak, lethargic and eventually lost touch with reality. It was at this moment, we took him into the hospital and found out his kidneys and liver were shutting down fast. After a night in the ER, he was admitted the next day upstairs and given doses of lactulose to reduce the level ammonia in his system. This brought him out his state of confusion but left with the news that his days were numbered now. Hospice eventually entered the scene and between, me my brother-in-law, my mom and bro-in-laws brother, we took care of my dad during his final days. He wasnt able to walk or do anything for himself except swallow foods and liquids we gave him. They started dialysis and put him on a lactulose schedule. Then when the doctors gave us the news that the treatment was doing more harm then good, we had to discontinue dialysis and let nature run its course. They gave him between 3 days to weeks and he eventually lose the fight. This was October of last year and he suprised everyone by attending thanksgiving, and christmas that year. Then Jan 8, 2014, after three days of not being able to talk or swallow or even move, he died at 10:00am. This really opened my eyes to the seriousness of organ damage and how something as simple as a liver, can make your last days very degrading, embarrassing, and full of suffering and confusion. Tylenol being dangerous at any level my own opinion, even though they say 4,000 mg per day should not be exceeded, was my main concern since it effects the liver so dramatically and the amount of norco i was taking exceed 4000 mg daily. Taking 25 per day i was ingesting 8125 mg of acetaminophen daily, twice the recommended max. Since my first post, ive not had one single norco. I have been taking one xanax in the a.m. and one at night for sleep just so I'm not panicking for the norco, the physicall symptoms im using pepto for nausia and immodium for the runs :). I know that taking anything for too long is what makes it a problem which is why Im giving myself one week to stop panicking then just CT everything except Sweet tea, food, sleep, and work. I just hope that the damage isnt already done and a few years or months or days from now my liver f**ks up and I live my last days like my dad.

Its was heII watching him die so slow and having every doctor tell you theres nothing modern medical knowledge can do to repair this organ. Most addicts don't let the obvious sink in that there is no completely safe drug or drug using technique.

For the reader just browsing comments:

If your reading this thinking to yourself your immune to damage from your drug of choice, or know people that live their whole life doing the drug you do and dont have any medical problems, just remember one thing, they're lucky. Dont just assume that you will be so lucky. Chose the safe way like spider was saying. Believe me, I like reduced pain and the buzz just as much as the next guy, but we cant let our emotional, environmental, situational, financial, physical, mental or whatever reason or underlying reasons why we became addicted continue to inflict damage to us, or worse, end our run at life all together. Everything that enters your bloodstream finds its way through your liver, the filter for substances that should not be there. If its not obvious, thats why you dont stay high very long anymore, your liver developed more defense to your drug of choice. Working out muscles makes them stronger, working out your liver is one exercise that should never be done. Rolling your father over left then right to place a fresh pee/crap pad under him after hes peed and crapped the bed with no other option but to do it and get cleaned up by me truly opened my eyes to just how serious and close to home and important all the commercials and doctors and other addicts advice truly is.

I hope that by making this post i reach at least one other fellow addict and they make that choice as i have to not end up like my father or any number of other fathers, mothers, family an friends who have had their life cut short whether intentional or not to addiction. I cant think of a more embarrassing way to spend your final days then having your children or worse a stranger at some hospital wiping your a$$ for you and not recognizing any of your family or friends because the ammonia level in your blood stream is simply not getting filtered out anymore.

This is a little deal from wiki showing the different grades and how it progresses...

The severity of hepatic encephalopathy is graded with the West Haven Criteria; this is based on the level of impairment of autonomy, changes in consciousness, intellectual function, behavior, and the dependence on therapy.[1][7][8]

Grade 1 - Trivial lack of awareness; euphoria or anxiety; shortened attention span; impaired performance of addition or subtraction
Grade 2 - Lethargy or apathy; minimal disorientation for time or place; subtle personality change; inappropriate behaviour
Grade 3 - Somnolence to semistupor, but responsive to verbal stimuli; confusion; gross disorientation
Grade 4 - Coma (unresponsive to verbal or noxious stimuli)

We noticed my dads at grade 2 when he spent 2 hours sitting on the toilette starring at the toilette paper in his hand knowing there was something he was supposed to do but just couldn't remember what it was. He was in grade 4 when he stopped all sporadic comminication, intellegent or not all sounds stopped, swallowing stopped, breathing slowed till it just stopped all together from the ammonia in his brain preventing it from performing the most basic and essential life supporting functions. Dont let this happen to you or a friend or family member thats struggling with addiction. Theres this one possible fatal outcome of drug use and abuse. There are other ways people die everyday from their addictions. I personally think anyone who says they are powerless against their addiction is deep down saying I just gave up a long time ago. Chances are the reasons why those who say they are powerless to say no their addiction is just that they gave up long ago.
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5986700 tn?1380791380
Sweetie, you did just answer all your own questions ....and very well I might add.   You got the tools and the knowledge, now you just need a good scare.  You obvy have not been ready up to this point.....what's it gonna take??...theres a question for you.  Keep posting and reading....,something's gotta give, something's gotta click.

My hubbub did oxy80's during his dance with the devil.  I personally was not able to get to that dance......(I do my own jig, believe me)........ He is clean as of today about 2yrs. So it is doable.  

I think you just really need to want it for yourself ......for me after 40 yrs of  throwing this that and the other down my gullet, into my vein, up my nose .....I just became so physically damaged .....I got really scared for the first time. ......it was like, all that sh*t you're told that will happen to you if you abuse drugs........was starting to happen!  

The last straw and the scariest for me was I couldn't control my bowels always.  F*cking what!!! I know, tmi but really?  Jesus, I was down to 95 pounds ........yes I was very scared....

So I guess what your question is ...what would it take to scare you into choosing life.........

I support you fully on your journey, I wish you much strength and peace and clarity.

Hugs.
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Avatar universal
Ask God to help you thur your addictions but you have to help yourself be never going back to what can mess your body and mind up in the long run you want a addiction worship Gos your saver and healer
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Avatar universal
realizing that slipping up and using once in a awhile, granted its spread apart, was the only way i totally got off meth. If you only slip once or twice a year and dont freakin binge on it and stay up for days on end, you wont feel so crappy afterwards. If you cant help yourself and you have to give in, do a small amount of it in the morning, EAT regular meals regardless of no appetite throughout the day, then SLEEP that night without constantly re-upping all day then day two comes around and you will NOT feel so bad that you have to use more. Staying up for days on end, not eating or drinking, neglecting ones hygiene, etc... all reasons why people keep picking that crap up, just to feel normal again. We all have to realize that even in your most desperate sober cant find a dam thing moment, you're breathing, (maybe not perfect, but alive lol) I know some people literally can die from withdrawls, but chances are thats not going to be you. I just wrote this little extra for anyone needing advice on kicking meth. Reply if you want details on how i did it. Just wish the meth quit way worked for pills for me lol. dammit!!! lol  
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Avatar universal
I think the answer to that is reality tends to suck lol, in my case anyway. Im probably just gona have to get some professional help to tell me why my life went wrong and this and that. Thinking back to the very beginning of when i started it was just literally to fit in with the crowd, (greens), after that it was a runaway train i couldn't stop the desire to try new stuff. I wish I could find ways to reenter sobriety and get enjoyment out of sober life again, without the need to medicate to feel normal. I get your concept, substitute with something i find equally enjoyable but healthy. The only problem with that is a handful of norco or a few oxys offer a level of enjoyment much more instant, consistent and reliable then anything I will have to teach myself to enjoy as much as meds lol. dam man, the answer is right there, I just have to stop taking the easy way out, face it, own it, grab life by balls and have a flushing session with my little yellow buddies lol    Also i think only associating with people who are totally sober would help. Watch them do their daily tasks and just follow them around lol and do what they do. Even the sight of a pill i recognize floods my mind happy thoughts, Im gona focus on getting some happy thoughts from other sources. Even if i slip once in a while, im not gona act like i made no progress and go stright back into full force. it took me years to reach where im at, i guess i just cant expect to fix it all in a day a month or year. anyway, thanks for the reply
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8976007 tn?1413330650
i also have a very addictive personality.  it is always easy for me to stop one thing as long as i replace it with another.  
what you can do is get addicted to something healthy. like working out, etc.  
honestly, you have to ask yourself WHY it is you feel the need to take something??
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