How do we forgive ourselves?

In my opinion, forgiveness of myself for all the **** I have done in my quest for the daily high, is essential to recovery.  But that is SO very hard to do.  Even though I have been drug-free for awhile, its those times when I start to remember the things I have done to the people that I love that the urge to use is strong.  Anybody else feel that way?

[Bodymechanic]

I forgave myself using the principles of the 12 step programs. The 12 steps are a good way but not the only way to find forgiveness and peace. I did my best to explain to those that I loved and those I had hurt that I was sick at the time. I asked myself if I would have done these evil things it were not for the drugs.  If I was on not on the drugs I would have never done the things I did. At the same time I do not blame my actions on the drugs. It was I and no one else who did these evil things.

I make amends to my loved ones and to society as a whole by never acting like a jackass again. God forgives those who are truely repentant. If god can forgive you than you have no right not forgiving yourself. It is an essencial part of the healing process. If you do not believe in god then act like that again and let the time heal the wounds.

Peace

[hippy]

over come evil with good.
the best way to forgive ourselves is to
share with and help others.a lot of people relapse because  they beat them seves up  , for not living up to unrealistic expectations.
we have to take it easy on our selves.
as addicts we tend to be to harsh on ourslves and others.
like when we go somewhere thhere are other addicts
we have to judge all of them, like we are god or something.

peace!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[MethMan]

For me, the shame of it all was the biggy.  But whether it is shame, guilt, or a feeling of forgiving ourselves, you need only to go to your higher power.  For me, it is Jesus.  It's different for others.  Maybe you too.
But in my faith, by simply asking for forgivness, it is freely given.  And the really cool part about it is that not only will you be forgiven, your sins will be washed away AND FORGOTTEN!
Now... I am not trying to convert you or anything. But the power in free forgiveness and my sins being forgotten completely is something beyond my comprehension.  It's a very humbling experience this thing called addiction.  And I am at the point where I can thank my God for humbling me.
I am a new comer to this forum and am a week into Methadone withdrawals.  There are others here that can help you that have a LOT of time behind them that are EAGER to help you, just like they are helping me now.  The reason I wanted to tell you all this is because it helps me if I can help others.  Also, I feel a huge resposibility to help where I can already because of all the kindness and generousity that I have been given on this forum by far wiser folks than I.
IMHO, recovering addicts are the best people on this earth.  They have seen hell and know if it's evils.
Stay Strong and know that each event in our lives has purpose.
God Bless YOU.
Mike

[beenthere2]

I envy people who have a "higher power" and/or believe in a God.  Unfortunately I am not one.  I understand that there are many, many things that are beyond my control but I also believe that I caused my problems so therefore I have to be the one to forgive myself.  Its a constant struggle and I guess I view the ability to forgive yourself as a "blessing" that would make abstinence a little easier.

[Starraven]

Read my very long post beneath this thread.  I put my childrens lives in danger.  I can't forgive myself for that. I just hope God has forgiven me.

Suze

[Sundown]

Suze,

You can forgive yourself by doing what you are doing now. I think that by being here, staying clean, and being honest with yourself, you have given your kids the best gift of all, their real mother back.

Sundown

[hippy]

hey  wildcat, i take no offense at all, i think i understand
what you were saying, i understand the saying.
my cousin is the youngest captin in marine co history,he
was just promoted agian recently, he was in europe
recently on special assignment, in preparation for things to come.
things are well with me. i hope you are well
peace and respect your freind michael.

[Starraven]

everything you said is so true.  I am So hard on myself, and I'm always the last to forgive myself.  I still can't forgive myself for being a typical teenager and talking back to my mother and not having a chance to say I'm sorry before  she died of cirrosis (cirrhosis) of the liver at age 42. (she died very suddenly after a simple surgery for an intestinal blockage, her liver was just gone)  I can't forgive myself for not trying to get her the help she needed for her alchoholism (alcoholism) and I blame myself for her death alot of the time. Guilt, guilt guilt.  I hate it, but I was a child for goodness sake and I took on the roll of parent to her at the age of seven.  I never had a chance to be a child and being an only child only made matters worse.  Now I parent my dad.  When will someone take care of me I ask! LOL
Hugs to all,
Suze

[1st24]

I think shame and guilt are two of the biggies.  But by moving forward and staying clean, I'm starting to feel like there's something in me that's worthy of forgiveness.  If I had just kept on using, and not looked at myself hard one day last week I would have gone deeper and further away, and who knows if I could have come back?  I'm only 1/2 way through day 3, and still feel terrible, but I know from reading all these experiences that it will get better.  I have 2 questions, and they won't allow anymore posted ones today. One is Has anyone tried St. Johns Wort for the depression and has it worked? How much of it a day?  Two is do you get a really bad sore throat from wd's ct?  Cause I have one!  Just realize that by trying to get the real you back, that is step one to forgiving yourself.  After that, work on those who have helped you and stuck by you, and when you come back to them as your true self, that's when they'll forgive you.  

[puma]

Hippee,

I hope you don't think I am being judgemental of other addicts. We are all in the same boat here in my opinion no matter what the drug or drugs of choice and clean time or not may be. My problem with self criticism with relapse is depression mainly. I have been depressed for days. I go through phases as I think many of us do here.

Hope you are having a great day. I'll answer the Guam question later as I gotta run. someone asked about it on another thread.

Take care and God Bless,

Chatahan......wildcat

[taeme]

It will take a long time to forgive yourself if you ever can. I just know that each day the bad things seem to become further and further away. And I just think I've been good, I haven't done anything bad, and I'll keep doing this.  It will never be forgotten, it can be forgiven (by you).  Since a lot of us are Obsessive Compulsive, its often hard to let things go.  We just have to try, try to be less harsh on ourselves.  Just remember it will take a very long time to truly forgive yourself, just be the best you can be from this day forward.  That doesn't mean that if you have a lapse or you yell or do something bad that your a bad person.  We all have to remember we are just human, god gave us free will, we were not always meant to take the same path.  I just keep thinking maybe I have this problem or have experienced what I have because god has a purpose for me.  I don't know just a thought.  I know this is hard.  Forgiving yourself is probably the hardest task we have ahead of us.

[puma]

(Hippee),

Thanks for the always pleasant posts. You are an inspiration and keep this forum running. I hope your cousin will be okay in the line of fire, so to speak. I will be praying for him and you. Take care,


(Starraven),

You are doing so much better now. For that reason it is time to forgive yourself. You have already asked and excepted God's forgiveness, and that is the most important step and means it's time now for you to forgive yourself. Your children will understand when they are old enough. Your mom had the disease and it was not understood back then as a disease. That was not your fault. You can forgive her too I pray since she probably felt helpless as we do sometimes. We now have good support systems for addiction problems which was looked at as not only taboo back then but horrible like addicts were trash or something. That stigma is still there, but slowly getting a slight, mi-nute bit better. Hang in there, I'll be with you all the way. Take care.

(Sundown),

You said better, in one short sentence, than I said in a paragraph to (Starraven). Your intellect and support is always appreciated no matter who it is for. That is why this forum is so great and keeps working. To me it is better than meetings because we can cross talk and give ideas, suggestions, compliments, etc, where in A.A. and N.A. at least here, they allow no cross talk. One can only mention their own addictions. Take care and God Bless you all.

Chatahan.......wildcat

[hippy]

hey , just a comment on cross talk, when aa first started
before it was aa it was the oxford group in cleveland.
mrs. goodrich from the tire co. got a bunch of rich christian s
together to try and help the down trodden alcoholics the problem was the upright christians would sit across the table and talk down to the poor souls, and tell them what they should be doing, and asking why they weren't doing these things.

they all got some food and left, and no one really got better or stopped drinking.

when aa started  they realized that they need a group wher people
could talk to each other about themselves, and not straighten other out, with cross talk. ile you need to do this . or you need to do that.
the solution is  we need to do this and we need to do that.

the 12 steps is a life based on the awaking of the spirit
and that awaking is realizing that we need not seperate
ourselves from others,
by the drugs we use. or religion. sex. sexual prefence, how much money we have. the awaking shows us that we need to set aside our differendes and come together as equals.

[hippy]

ya , i can relate, in my second marrage i used a lot of drugs and destroyed a good marrage, i got clean and my x used to ask me why coun't i have gotten clean while we were married.
looking back i think i need the pain of the divorce to wake me up
, this pain gave me the motavation to get clean and stay clean.
after a year or two clean my ex gave me custdy of my son .
who i raised and is now in collage.
i stayed clean for almost 18 years untill i  had rotayer cuff
tares in both shoulders and wound up having to take vikes
and after a year of taking them as precsribed i stsrted to abuse them, and dug myself  into an addiction i did not know that much about. i finally got clean agian this past winter.
it was never about getting high, speed, coke and qualudes were
thing i thought of as drugs to get high with, no vikes
they always made me feel like ****, amazing that i got addicted to something that made me feel like ****.

peace!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Sundown]

On the topic of forgiveness, I had a very unsettling experience today. I picked my daughter up to have brunch and saw my ex. She kept staring at me.I finally asked her what was wrong. "Nothing, I just can't believe how you look." (she knows that I've stopped abusing and started caring for myself) I asked her what she meant and she said "You look so healthy and fit." I told her how I'm eating better and started exercising again. She became quiet and said "Why couldn't you have done this before?". All I could think of to say was "I guess I just wasn't ready then."

So I killed a good marriage and if I hadn't been in denial I could have slavaged it. But on the way home, thinking about it, I realized that the honest answer was the one I gave her, I just wasn't ready until now. So I guess we all have our own "bottoms" we need to reach before we change. All I can suggest is, everytime that feeling of using strikes, think of how much you have to lose, and whether that few hours of chemical escape is worth the price.

Thanks to all of you for being being there for me.

Sundown

[puma]

Hippee,

Forget the negetive comments, they were useless. I still love your posts even though when I am in self detox we don't see eye to eye. LOL. I had some real fiascos at in-patient detox, here  tiesdowns and **** and never held a grudge against the people there. That is part of detox I guess. I wish we still had in-patient,  but we don't anymore. Maybe the new administration in January will change things. I did't mean to beat on you as my punching bag for detox.... Sorry.

I am spacing so I had better go thanks for lisening even if it was my own B.S.

The post about the sledgehammer and old car at the junkyard was a great idea. Thanks. I am listening to my typhoon music to help myself relax.

Chathan..........wildcat

[hippy]

sorry that was body mech who posted the loose lips comment.
i was mistaken i thought it was you. my bad.

but the anti god , and raceism comments where un called for.peace!!!!!!!!!!!

[Starraven]

Your post about your ex really touched my heart..(or hurt it rather)  I'm sorry that your marriage ended because of the drugs. But we all have a plan in life I believe, and I also believe that whatever happens to us was meant to happen. ( I know, why us) Maybe because we are a strong bunch and there is a lesson in life for us to learn from this.

Your posts have meant so much to me, and have been so helpful and kind and honest.  If I help ONE person in all this, then I am doing good.  You have helped me..ALot on this board have helped me.  This isn't only learning about addiction.  Its a lesson in life and everyday we continue to learn from eachother!

THats the way I see all of this.

Hugs to all
Suze

[Sundown]

Thanks so much for your kind comments and support. For me the biggest lesson from yesterday was that I was actually honest with my ex and myself after my years of denial. I think recovery is based on honesty, and I still struggle with the fact that I became an addict. But I have come to see where all that denying and lying got me, so I guess honesty should be better. It can't be any worse.

Thanks for listening.

Sundown

[puma]

Sundown,

I also want to apologize to you for using the word stupid to describe your suggestion about watching CNN. I am sure by my negative nuke-em comments you thought I may want to watch the war stuff. I was just bitchy and being sarcastic. I really hate war and don't believe in it. I think it is like dogs fighting for territory. I do realize we need to fight terrorism, but I don't want to watch it because it just upsets me.

You are a great guy as I told Hippee today as well. You do alot for the forum. I, on the other hand have too much B.S. on my mind. Maybe I have helped a few over the years I hope, and now with a new administration coming in, I need to buckle down and finish my degree through correspondance and do less mowing and internet chat.

Take care and God Bless.

Chatahan.......wildcat

[Sundown]

You have nothing ot apologize for. I know it's been a rough few days for you and my suggestion was only in half jest (although I do find that following what is happening in the world keeps me distracted from concentrating on just me).

But i do think the new Turow book IS pretty good. :)

Feel better and remember all the people here who care about you.

Sundown

[puma]

Sundown,

Thank you, I'll look for the book at our mall here.

Chatahan.....wildcat

[Sundown]

The author is Scott Turow and the title is Reversible Decision. He's a good writer and it's a good read. Not great literature, but interesting and good for a distraction.

Feel well.

Sundown

[puma]

Sundown,

Thank you for understanding and the forgiveness, a sign of a good heart. What is this book Turow? I just may need a good distraction.

Take care and God Bless.

Chatahan........wildcat

[Patrice]

God has already forgiven you.....What you did in your addiction has nothing to do with who you are now.....You will never be free until you forgive yourself......And addiction has nothing to do with being evil....Dont even listen to people who try to sell you that ****....It is a diease, nothing more, nothing less

[Thyroid Girl]

I have heard it said that anybody who keeps beating themselves down over and over again every time they screw things up has a problem with pride.  I struggled for years with hating myself every time I messed something up.  Here's what I've learned:  The saying about pride surely does raise a valid point.  The key to forgiveness is humbleness. Think about that.  The KEY to FORGIVENESS is HUMBLENESS.  Forget your pride and see yourself for who you really are, not who you think you should be.  Understand that it is alright to REALIZE your mistakes.  It isn't alright, however, to DWELL on them.  LOOK at yourself with honesty and humbleness, LEARN from your past transgressions, and ASPIRE to be that person you think you should be.  Don't put your past mistakes up against a person you THINK you should be.  That is placing real events upon a fantasy, and it will never measure up.  As for the guilt that comes with making serious mistakes, that can be overcome, too.  The key is to focus on your future, and not on your past.  Don't force yourself to live in your past by giving in to guilty feelings.  I entertained and wallowed in my guilt and shame for years.  It got me nowhere.  Not one positive thing happened in my life during that time.  When I changed my attitude from reactive to proactive, positive changes occurred.  My best wishes to all who are struggling with self forgivness and guilt.  Thyroid Girl.

[ponytailbob]

it doesn't do any good to beat yourself.  you find what you look for or what you look at.  i'm not sure forgiveness is an event anyway.