OMG..I have been doing so damn good for days but I can't literally think of anything but wanting to take something..it's making me feel absolutely NUTS!! I have stuff to keep me busy but I don't want to do anything my head is stuck on I wanna feel good ..uggggg what do you do to fight the urges?? Im sorry I just feel like I'm practically psychotic my poor head :( Help pleaseeee!!
how many days? It comes in waves, it will pass, it will get better. Just hold on. The best thing for me (when I tried) was movies or tv shows (netflix) - it shuts off your brain and diverts your attention - try searching on youtube or also collegehumor.com has a lot of funny videos, humor is always good. going outside helps so much too, just feeling fresh air and seeing other people. It sounds dumb, but trust me it helps. video games too, do you have any? there are online games you can play for free, and trivia games too if that's your thing. but talk to people here, let us help, waste as much time here as you can so those cravings will pass... Just Hold On, it will get better.
You just have to keep busy, I mean REALLY busy and try to reditrect your focus. I know The cravings are tough but You just have to fight them. Are you going to meetings or any type of aftercare?? It can really help alot too!
Thanks evolv ugg Im in tears cause I know it's ridiculous I DONT wanna take anything but my head is trippin bad..I tried wat hing shows,music,took a walk,hot bath,.and through it all I can't seem to focus on anything but I wanna feel better so bad..I know it's gotta stop but for this moment I feel out of control..Thanks so much for just talking to me ..
Theresa..I can't get to any meetings I wish..ugg I can't drive anymore since I started loosing my eyesight off and on from the Lupus issues..my mom is my only ride and she can't know ..I feel like no one gets it that I am not me right now you know?? and I want to be that perfect me that everyone expects..I have work to keep me busy but it's sooooo hard to focus :/ I Admin for 20 sites and the issues are making me stress out ..blaghhh sorry guys Im a mess today :(
I am writing alot of poems down today but also giving advise to keep them from moving them : )
This on is called "Hope"
A butterfly flasps it's wings soaring ever higher
Fighting the painful winds, she begins to tire
She faintly hears a peaceful voice
Struggle no more you have a choice
Stop fighting the pain and descend to the ground
A sanctuary where you cannot be found
Twist the top and give me life
I'll help you through this world of strife
She's sliding down a slippery slope
But deep inside she still has hope
As you tip the bottle the beast gets stronger
The path to recovery gets much longer
Her beautiful wings begin to disipate
When it's time to fly it will be too late
Her will is gone, her heart is broke
But deep inside she still has hope
Admitting she's powerless, she prays for a hand
Struggling to fight and praying for an end
By reaching out for the hand of a friend
Her broken wings begin to mend
A butterfly flaps it's wings soaring ever higher
Sharing hope with everyone she will never tire
I wrote this poem to help you cope
Keep on flying, don't give up hope
Now I have to write somthing so they don't move this....
I know you want to do something but can't. Don't try anything, trying means you can fail. Do something and either way you win.
don't be sorry! that's why we're here. i know exactly what you mean about not wanting your mom to know, you need to keep that perfect image. when i go home to see my parents, I make up excuses to get out to meetings, I say I'm meeting a friend for coffee or going to a book store. but if there's any way you can get to one, you should do it. can you call a friend? can you tell your mom you want to go watch a movie or anything that can get you dropped off and picked up? i can help you find a meeting if you want, they're everywhere. it is really life-changing, it's scary but it would help you a lot. there might even be one you could walk to or ride your bike to, you never know.
I also know that spending time with friends helps, especially if they don't know because you're forced to pretend you're fine, and that actually has an effect on you, you start to ACTUALLY feel better. I have forced myself to go to parties and events while I"m in (mild) withdrawals to force myself to act normal, it's hard, but it works. or just keep talking to us, we're here and that helps, too, ha
Hey! I had a pill dream last night where I found a baggie full of all kinds of narcotic pills. In my dream I took the bag, but didn't take the pills...but kept thinking about it, fantasizing about it, and counting. When I woke up I wanted a pill like nobody's business. Then I stopped and thought about all I have been through in the past months to get off this stuff. I relapsed a few weeks back and had to go through that hell again these past 10 days and trust me...it isn't worth it! It started with just one and it woke up my addiction again. Plus, the high you get from it isn't any good because you feel guilty and your body isn't used to it. I actually felt yucky. You are doing the right thing coming here. Play the tape out til the end. Envision what a trap it is to take something and the insanity it will lead you to again.
LOL Pat chocolate therapy ..I wish my tummy hates me I still can't eat right but that's more to do with my heatlh issues ..I missss chocolate ..Thank you for sharing that you have them too I don't feel so retarded for being this way..seriously..
Bubulous..wow I can't even explain what that did..I have butterflies tattoed all over me because I identify with them..that poem was amazing thanks!!
Theresa..Im considering asking if she can drop me off somewhere but I just don't know how I will do..I still have trouble walking most of the time..I try and walk for a but each day but it's pretty hard..I still need surgery on both hips one is bone on bone the other has bone fragments in the tissues..so I am scared to be out alone for too long tbh..even if i could get her to drop me off you know??
evolv..thanks I feel so silly when I complain or feel weak I guess it's me and my perfection issues..I always feel like i need to be the best the happiest the blagh blagh blagh and Im soo not ..that is most of my issues with the drugs ..yes the pain is real BUT the meds were more for me to be something I cant be..perfect ..
BTW thanks soooooooooo much everyone for just talking me through this I feel like my skin isnt crawling off while reading this stuff..I cant thank you all enough
seriously - i quit smoking 13 years ago and i still (occasionally) have a dream where i'm just smoking a cigarette and enjoying it and i wake up with INTENSE cravings - which i never have during the day, or ever really - it's only after those dreams. luckily it goes away fast but the brain is a powerful and tricky ocean to navigate...
Nolife4me..wow this made me stop and think :Play the tape out til the end.
It's so true and as much as I feel horrible for you having to go through it Im glad you reminded me that taking them wont feel as good as I think..when I did the CT thing it was because I was even miserable 80% of the time ON the meds and I figured why ..so why would I do it to myself after 16 days of hard work..but wow ..I mean its so ugggg you know ??
That's a powerful visual for me. I actually play myself out taking the pill, counting pills, figuring out how to get more, if I have the money, what I will feel like if I can't get more, going through detox again, the shame, the guilt, the lying, the wasted money, what I could have spent the money on, etc. Everyone's tape is different, but watch the ending, over and over if you have to!
Evolv and Theresa - Those craving dreams seem so real at the moment don't they! It just shows how engrained the addiction is in us. Scarey!! Scares me that I actually thought about taking something this morning...even though I have none and haven't been craving in the mornings for a week now. I shook that off quickly after my brain finished waking up. Whew!
I know, I haven't told my parents or my sister for the same reason, I'M the one who always holds it together, the peacemaker, the one everyone ELSE comes to for help - so it feels strange to ask for help myself, but it sounds like you have been through a lot of medical hardships, and I'm sure you were exposed to this stuff through that - is there any way you would consider telling your Mom so she can be the for you, support you, take you to meetings? These pills are INCREDIBLY addictive and we have all fallen victim to it, but it's not your fault you were exposed. I am sure you Mom loves you and wants you to be healthy and happy and you're almost out of the woods, I'll bet if she knew how strong you've had to be to get here, she would be proud of you and willing to help. I know exactly what you're feeling and I know if you could get to a meeting, it would be such a great help - sorry to sound like a broken record but I have 10 numbers in my phone I can call ANY time right now, people who have been through the exact same thing, and they will drop everything to help if I need it. It's amazing. I'm just saying - Your Mom's not perfect, right? I'll bet she knows you're not either (no offense, ha) - telling someone close to me the first time really surprised me, she didn't judge me at all and told me to let her help in any way she could, it wasn't what I expected.
I knew you had the butterfly tattoos....Just kidding that would be creepy lol
I wrote it for a girl in treatment, her name was Hope. I let everyone come up with their own meaning for my poems. There are alot longer ones and alot more complidacted ones. This is one of my favorite poems she asked me to write it and the first time she heard it was in an AA meeting early in her sobriety. She cried when I read it. I also read one that I wrote for her friend and she cried again. My poems are inspired by different people but they are about my own pain. I will eventually make one for this site and it will be deep. I love myself the same as I love everyone on here. I don't have the capacity for hate anymore.
Anyway glad you liked it. If you wish to print it I have no problem with that. If you wish to repost it some where I have no problem with that either, just put my name at the bottom somewhere....
LOL NoLife4Me I did actually play it out and man was it depressing...which is a GREAT thing..I have money now for christmas where I didn't before and I will have the mmoney next month for my best friend to come out and stay for a week or more and that wasn't possible before either..the drugs are not better than that and I need to remeber it..
evolv..I am the peacemaker too BUT the only reason i can't tell my mom is that two years ago when my Dr no longer could see me she helped me detox under the stipulation she would try and take my kids away if I bought the meds again..I did for two years now and I wont risk finally being clean just to loose them..I already have custody issues with their dad so sadly I can't even possibly risk it..I would not be able to live without them.I had to lie to my mom and say it was my kidneys again when I was detoxing ..That was heartbreaking enough ..
Oh man, I'm so sorry, you're in a tough situation and of course, nothing is more important than your kids. And that's a great thing to help you through the cravings - just keep going back to how important they are to you, and how important it is to keep them in your life. You're so close to being free. Hold on.
evolv ..thanks for understanding..it is scary,but I keep thinking what is she does find out..drug test me IM CLEAN ..BUT I can't take the drama that would come of it Im way to fragile right now I cant even think straight..see if I relapse im screwed so that's why Im trying sooo hard to find ways to not take anything..
Agreed - you have to. And I'm sure your brain is making it so much harder. I really wish you could get to a meeting, it's a great release. I was SO skeptical about it, thought it was total BS - until I went. There are some websites with essays by speakers, those are kind of a great help too, just reading someone's experience, from start to finish. It can help to identify with someone. Or if you want to turn your attention away from all this, then can you have a friend come over and do something cheezy like a board game or cards or even just watch bad tv shows together and laugh at Real Housewives or something? Any kind of distraction in real time is a good thing.
I def understand the Kids thing., That certainly does throw a monkey wrench in it, but you have to try and figure out some type of aftercare. But can I ask, Your mom doesnt want you taking Pain pills anymore right? But I know from a friend of mine, how painful Lupus can be (especially before she had her hip replacements) so why wouldnt she be ok with your taking meds to manage your pain? Im just curious is all. I mean if YOU want to stop then thats all that matters and thats what you should do.
I am soo not skeptical about the meetings I would LOVE to have people to talk to that understood in a safe place like that ..I just am too terrified to be found out by my mom.. :/ As for friends everyone I know is out of state now or at least 6 hours south of me..I lost all of my friends here from shutting myself in for so long and only kept contact with my friends far away it was a coping mechanism i see now but it's left me very alone here..I would LOVE to have people come visit and talk and stuff but yeah..oh well
Theresa Thanks..it does make it a bit harder ..my mom does understand how painful it is but she also is crazy about rules as in I no longer have a Dr cause i lost my insurance so now NO ONE will take me..I have terminal status because I can't take the immuno suppressants(so far all on the market I am anaphalactic to) anyways so with my kidneys shutting down,kidney stones(supposed to have nephrostomy tubes but kidneys collapse every poke),hip issues,yada yada I can only get a Dr if I go about 2 hours out of here and I cant get there..tried and didnt work..anyways so yeah its been fun trying ..
Well that's why we're here. Free to talk, about whatever you want. Sorry to hear about all your hardships, maybe we can help you find a solution. Is there maybe a free clinic close by that you could get at least basic care at? Would you mom drive you the 2 hours to get seen by a doc if she knew it's your only option? We can be your meeting, ha. Sorry you're stuck, that must be frustrating.
Hi Needing ~ You ever tell your kids NOT to do something because you know what the consequences are? I raised 3 kids and I tell ya, there ain't nothing like experiencing things yourself to learn the lesson. Didn't matter how many times I told them it wasn't a good idea. That's what we are saying about not taking that pill. I KNOW you will want another and then another, etc. My last relapse started with just 7 pills. I thought 'how much trouble can I get into with 7 of them"? Guess what....2 weeks later and 60 more pills, I had to go through wd yet another time. Hopefully that's the last take of that video! Ha ha ha!
Thought for the day for you ~ Just for today I will be unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful and to believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give to me. NA
Im so sorry about your illness and cant even imagine. I think that not being to get a Dr to hep you manage the pain is sad and a travesty in this country! (but dont let me get started on THAT! LOL)
I really hope that you will be able to find the support you need there where you live through AA and that your mom can learn to understand, sometimes rules are meant to be broken! I feel for you honey and Hope you can get this worked out!
.Thanks evolv..talking here is actually getting me through this retarded craving issue ..I didn't think anything could..Im sooo happy this place exists and you guys are so wonderful idk what I would do otherwise.As for the clinics no they can't treat me ..I have been to every clinic and dr in my town and no one has the ability to treat me because I need specialists and they can't send me to them unless I have a reg PCP and no one will take a pre existing terminal status chronic patient is what I keep getting told ..as for her driving me no way she already said she wont ..:/
NoLife4Me thanks its sooo true like the hand to the stove thing with kids"it's HOT don't touch" *kid touches* owwwie.. yuppers thats sooo life..I don't want to be the one to touch the stove lol Thanks for the quote too very beautiful !!
Theresa thanks so much..yeah it was ridiculous ..I went into my appt and they said the health insurance HMO was no longer even an HMO and so I couldn't be seen..it was soo scary but yeah another don't touch subjects/rants.. but my fear of my mom finding out is too strong I can't I really tried but can't ..
So wait - the only way you can be seen by a doc (and therefore helped) is by going somewhere 2 hours away - and you can't drive and your Mom won't take you? What's her reasoning for this? How are you supposed to get better/treated if you can't go to see a doc ?ell me to shut up if I'm prying, but I want to try to understand why you can't be seen by a doc who could help you with both your pain pill problem, but also your other medical issues. I know Cali has a very liberal insurance structure, they can't deny you coverage due to a pre-existing condition (I know this because I live in NY and did a lot of research after I was denied coverage due to back problems from a motorcycle accident (and thanks to that - the pain meds...)) but Cali has one of the best public health systems. There has to be a way to get you to see a doc, even if it isn't the ideal specialist right away. There HAS to be one doc in your town who cares enough to listen to your situation and at least TALK to you about what you can do/where you can go - right?
...and i'm guessing if you're the peacemaker like me, you're not used to asking for help. it's a really hard barrier to cross - but do you have any friends who live closer to the docs that WOULD see you? can they come get you and have you stay with them? you don't have to tell anyone about the pills, but for your other medical issues, it sounds like you need to be seen! I mean, even a craigslist.com rideshare (!!!) I have done this over 10 times and made a lot of cool and wonderful people, I went from Boston to New York several times and people will drive you for free... I'm not trying to suggest anything dangerous, but if you CAN'T see a doctor, that sounds urgent, no? It's frustrating for me to hear because I know that if I was in your situation - I could call anyone from my 3 AA groups and they would take me, drive me, put me up. It's such a supportive network of amazing people, I'm wishing you had that. We're all here to talk to you but we can't give you a ride to the doc, ha. ANything else you can think of "outside the box?" it sounds like your health being stabilized is as important as your relationship with your Moms... Your kids need you to be there for them - you've got to keep your health ok to do that, right?
It's ok i dont mind sharing..as for the health care yes i already have medical AND medicare but that's not the issue..my medical was western health advantage then they stopped existing for medical..i have straight medical now..anyways so every dr in my town wont except pre existing conditions combined with my insurance..long story short there.
oh man - that is so frustrating. and i'm assuming you can't move to a bigger town where you COULD get coverage because that would be too far away from your kids...? our healthcare system is so broken, it's things like this that slip through the cracks. how long have you been without a pcp? can you call any of your former specialists and tell them your situation and ask for advice? maybe they have a friend from med school that practices near you who would at least try to help you out, give you some ideas? i'm just thinking of any way you can get a connection to someone who can help you. even if you went to a clinic that doesn't specialize in what you need, maybe you could make a personal connection with one of the docs and ask them to help you out? (Sorry to prattle on but I have a friend with MS and one with severe schizophrenia and I have spent A LOT of time being their advocates in ER's, online, and with the state health departments. It's a steep mountain to climb, but there must be a way...)
No I couldn't move..my kids have to be here for school and their other family ..I wouldn't leave for anything. I have been well over 2 years without a PCP and I end up staying weeks at the hospital cause they have nowhere for me to get follow up care when Im very sick so it ***** I hate hate hate hate hospitals :/ I have tried my old kidney specialist, cardiologist and my immunologist they all feel bad but cant think of anything anymore except going 2 hours out to san francisco ..
I need to ask you guys to help me back - I had tapered today to half my normal (was up to 130 mg oxy a day) and then I had a moment of weakness and got back in the loop again. I was told by my friend that having a few drinks would help get rid of the wd's (while tapering anyway) and after a few beers, I fell right back to being where I was (90mg so far and I'd love to stop at that) but after a few hours - the depression hits and I think the alcohol makes it worse - anyone have experience with this? DOn't want to hijack your post, just need to hear from you guys to resist taking any more tonight. I hate myself so much for slipping - every time. So tired of this...
thanks imDONE, I know, it's Dec 18/19 as long as I don't have to go to Mexico June 20-24. Doesn't look likely, so I'm hoping for it. Can't take it any more. Thanks for re-enforcing what I know, helps to hear.
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