How do you fight the cravings??

[NeedingHope4Me]

OMG..I have been doing so damn good for days but I can't literally think of anything but wanting to take something..it's making me feel absolutely NUTS!! I have stuff to keep me busy but I don't want to do anything my head is stuck on I wanna feel good ..uggggg what do you do to fight the urges?? Im sorry I just feel like I'm practically psychotic my poor head :(  Help pleaseeee!!

[evolv]

thanks imDONE, I know, it's Dec 18/19 as long as I don't have to go to Mexico June 20-24. Doesn't look likely, so I'm hoping for it. Can't take it any more. Thanks for re-enforcing what I know, helps to hear.

[ImDONENoMore]

evolv, you need to quit cold turkey.  I don't think your way is going to work.  And definitely stay away from alcohol.  It will make everything a thousand times worse.

[evolv]

I need to ask you guys to help me back - I had tapered today to half my normal (was up to 130 mg oxy a day) and then I had a moment of weakness and got back in the loop again. I was told by my friend that having a few drinks would help get rid of the wd's (while tapering anyway) and after a few beers, I fell right back to being where I was (90mg so far and I'd love to stop at that) but after a few hours - the depression hits and I think the alcohol makes it worse - anyone have experience with this? DOn't want to hijack your post, just need to hear from you guys to resist taking any more tonight. I hate myself so much for slipping - every time. So tired of this...

[NeedingHope4Me]

No I couldn't move..my kids have to be here for school and their other family ..I wouldn't leave for anything. I have been well over 2 years without a PCP and I end up staying weeks at the hospital cause they have nowhere for me to get follow up care when Im very sick so it ***** I hate hate hate hate hospitals :/  I have tried my old kidney specialist, cardiologist and my immunologist they all feel bad but cant think of anything anymore except going 2 hours out to san francisco ..

[evolv]

oh man - that is so frustrating. and i'm assuming you can't move to a bigger town where you COULD get coverage because that would be too far away from your kids...? our healthcare system is so broken, it's things like this that slip through the cracks. how long have you been without a pcp? can you call any of your former specialists and tell them your situation and ask for advice? maybe they have a friend from med school that practices near you who would at least try to help you out, give you some ideas? i'm just thinking of any way you can get a connection to someone who can help you. even if you went to a clinic that doesn't specialize in what you need, maybe you could make a personal connection with one of the docs and ask them to help you out? (Sorry to prattle on but I have a friend with MS and one with severe schizophrenia and I have spent A LOT of time being their advocates in ER's, online, and with the state health departments. It's a steep mountain to climb, but there must be a way...)

[NeedingHope4Me]

It's ok i dont mind sharing..as for the health care yes i already have medical AND medicare but that's not the issue..my medical was western health advantage then they stopped existing for medical..i have straight medical now..anyways so every dr in my town wont except pre existing conditions combined with my insurance..long story short there.

[evolv]

...and i'm guessing if you're the peacemaker like me, you're not used to asking for help. it's a really hard barrier to cross - but do you have any friends who live closer to the docs that WOULD see you? can they come get you and have you stay with them? you don't have to tell anyone about the pills, but for your other medical issues, it sounds like you need to be seen! I mean, even a craigslist.com rideshare (!!!) I have done this over 10 times and made a lot of cool and wonderful people, I went from Boston to New York several times and people will drive you for free... I'm not trying to suggest anything dangerous, but if you CAN'T see a doctor, that sounds urgent, no? It's frustrating for me to hear because I know that if I was in your situation - I could call anyone from my 3 AA groups and they would take me, drive me, put me up. It's such a supportive network of amazing people, I'm wishing you had that. We're all here to talk to you but we can't give you a ride to the doc, ha. ANything else you can think of "outside the box?" it sounds like your health being stabilized is as important as your relationship with your Moms... Your kids need you to be there for them - you've got to keep your health ok to do that, right?

[evolv]

So wait - the only way you can be seen by a doc (and therefore helped) is by going somewhere 2 hours away - and you can't drive and your Mom won't take you? What's her reasoning for this? How are you supposed to get better/treated if you can't go to see a doc ?ell me to shut up if I'm prying, but I want to try to understand why you can't be seen by a doc who could help you with both your pain pill problem, but also your other medical issues. I know Cali has a very liberal insurance structure, they can't deny you coverage due to a pre-existing condition (I know this because I live in NY and did a lot of research after I was denied coverage due to back problems from a motorcycle accident (and thanks to that - the pain meds...)) but Cali has one of the best public health systems. There has to be a way to get you to see a doc, even if it isn't the ideal specialist right away. There HAS to be one doc in your town who cares enough to listen to your situation and at least TALK to you about what you can do/where you can go - right?

[NeedingHope4Me]

NoLife4Me thanks its sooo true like the hand to the stove thing with kids"it's HOT don't touch"  *kid touches* owwwie.. yuppers thats sooo life..I don't want to be the one to touch the stove lol Thanks for the quote too very beautiful !!

Theresa thanks so much..yeah it was ridiculous ..I went into my appt and they said the health insurance HMO was no longer even an HMO and so I couldn't be seen..it was soo scary but yeah another don't touch subjects/rants.. but my fear of my mom finding out is too strong I can't I really tried but can't ..

[NeedingHope4Me]

.Thanks evolv..talking here is actually getting me through this retarded craving issue ..I didn't think anything could..Im sooo happy this place exists and you guys are so wonderful idk what I would do otherwise.As for the clinics no they can't treat me ..I have been to every clinic and dr in my town and no one has the ability  to treat me because I need specialists and they can't send me to them unless I have a reg PCP and no one will take a pre existing terminal status chronic patient is what I keep getting told ..as for her driving me no way she already said she wont ..:/

[Teresa1717]

Im so sorry about your illness and cant even imagine. I think that not being to get a Dr to hep you manage the pain is sad and a travesty in this country! (but dont let me get started on THAT! LOL)

I really hope that you will be able to find the support you need there where you live through AA and that your mom can learn to understand, sometimes rules are meant to be broken! I feel for you honey and Hope you can get this worked out!

[YesLife4Me]

Hi Needing ~  You ever tell your kids NOT to do something because you know what the consequences are?    I raised 3 kids and I tell ya, there ain't nothing like experiencing things yourself to learn the lesson.  Didn't matter how many times I told them it wasn't a good idea.   That's what we are saying about not taking that pill.   I KNOW you will want another and then another, etc.   My last relapse started with just 7 pills.   I thought 'how much trouble can I get into with 7 of them"?   Guess what....2 weeks later and 60 more pills, I had to go through wd yet another time.   Hopefully that's the last take of that video!  Ha ha ha!    

Thought for the day for you ~ Just for today I will be unafraid.  Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful and to believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give to me.   NA  

[evolv]

Well that's why we're here. Free to talk, about whatever you want. Sorry to hear about all your hardships, maybe we can help you find a solution. Is there maybe a free clinic close by that you could get at least basic care at? Would you mom drive you the 2 hours to get seen by a doc if she knew it's your only option? We can be your meeting, ha. Sorry you're stuck, that must be frustrating.

[NeedingHope4Me]

I am soo not skeptical about the meetings I would LOVE to have people to talk to that understood in a safe place like that ..I just am too terrified to be found out by my mom.. :/ As for friends everyone I know is out of state now or at least 6 hours south of me..I lost all of my friends here from shutting myself in for so long and only kept contact with my friends far away it was a coping mechanism i see now but it's left me very alone here..I would LOVE to have people come visit and talk and stuff but yeah..oh well

Theresa Thanks..it does make it a bit harder ..my mom does understand how painful it is but she also is crazy about rules as in I no longer have a Dr cause i lost my insurance so now NO ONE will take me..I have terminal status because I can't take the immuno suppressants(so far all on the market I am anaphalactic to) anyways so with my kidneys shutting down,kidney stones(supposed to have nephrostomy tubes but kidneys collapse every poke),hip issues,yada yada I can only get a Dr if I go about 2 hours out of here and I cant get there..tried and didnt work..anyways so yeah its been fun trying  ..

[Teresa1717]

I def understand the Kids thing., That certainly does throw a monkey wrench in it, but you have to try and figure out some type of aftercare. But can I ask, Your mom doesnt want you taking Pain pills anymore  right? But I know from a friend of mine, how painful Lupus can be (especially before she had her hip replacements) so why wouldnt she be ok with your taking meds to manage your pain? Im just curious is all. I mean if YOU want to stop then thats all that matters and thats what you should do.

[evolv]

Agreed - you have to. And I'm sure your brain is making it so much harder. I really wish you could get to a meeting, it's a great release. I was SO skeptical about it, thought it was total BS - until I went. There are some websites with essays by speakers, those are kind of a great help too, just reading someone's experience, from start to finish. It can help to identify with someone. Or if you want to turn your attention away from all this, then can you have a friend come over and do something cheezy like a board game or cards or even just watch bad tv shows together and laugh at Real Housewives or something? Any kind of distraction in real time is a good thing.

[NeedingHope4Me]

evolv ..thanks for understanding..it is scary,but I keep thinking what is she does find  out..drug test  me IM CLEAN ..BUT I can't take the drama that would come of it Im way to fragile right now I cant even think straight..see if I relapse im screwed so that's why Im trying sooo hard to find ways to not take anything..

[evolv]

Oh man, I'm so sorry, you're in a tough situation and of course, nothing is more important than your kids. And that's a great thing to help you through the cravings - just keep going back to how important they are to you, and how important it is to keep them in your life. You're so close to being free. Hold on.

[NeedingHope4Me]

Bubulous..I almost gigglepeed reading that yeah would have been creepy considering they are covered by clothes haha..

Thanks so much for the offer..I will probably keep it to myself and re read it off and on..Thanks again.

[NeedingHope4Me]

LOL NoLife4Me I did actually play it out and man was it depressing...which is a GREAT thing..I have money now for christmas where I didn't before and I will have the mmoney next month for my best friend to come out and stay for a week or more and that wasn't possible before either..the drugs are not better than that and I need to remeber it..

evolv..I am the peacemaker too BUT the only reason i can't tell my mom is that two years ago when my Dr no longer could see me she helped me detox under the stipulation she would try and take my kids away if I bought the meds again..I did for two years now and I wont risk finally being clean just to loose them..I already have custody issues with their dad so sadly I can't even possibly risk it..I would not be able to live without them.I had to lie to my mom and say it was my kidneys again when I was detoxing ..That was heartbreaking enough ..

[Bubulous]

I knew you had the butterfly tattoos....Just kidding that would be creepy lol

I wrote it for a girl in treatment, her name was Hope.  I let everyone come up with their own meaning for my poems.  There are alot longer ones and alot more complidacted ones.  This is one of my favorite poems she asked me to write it and the first time she heard it was in an AA meeting early in her sobriety.  She cried when I read it.  I also read one that I wrote for her friend and she cried again.  My poems are inspired by different people but they are about my own pain.  I will eventually make one for this site and it will be deep.  I love myself the same as I love everyone on here.  I don't have the capacity for hate anymore.

Anyway glad you liked it.  If you wish to print it I have no problem with that.  If you wish to repost it some where I have no problem with that either, just put my name at the bottom somewhere....

Larry Morgan,

[evolv]

I know, I haven't told my parents or my sister for the same reason, I'M the one who always holds it together, the peacemaker, the one everyone ELSE comes to for help - so it feels strange to ask for help myself, but it sounds like you have been through a lot of medical hardships, and I'm sure you were exposed to this stuff through that - is there any way you would consider telling your Mom so she can be the for you, support you, take you to meetings? These pills are INCREDIBLY addictive and we have all fallen victim to it, but it's not your fault you were exposed. I am sure you Mom loves you and wants you to be healthy and happy and you're almost out of the woods, I'll bet if she knew how strong you've had to be to get here, she would be proud of you and willing to help. I know exactly what you're feeling and I know if you could get to a meeting, it would be such a great help - sorry to sound like a broken record but I have 10 numbers in my phone I can call ANY time right now, people who have been through the exact same thing, and they will drop everything to help if I need it. It's amazing. I'm just saying - Your Mom's not perfect, right? I'll bet she knows you're not either (no offense, ha) - telling someone close to me the first time really surprised me, she didn't judge me at all and told me to let her help in any way she could, it wasn't what I expected.

[YesLife4Me]

That's a powerful visual for me.   I actually play myself out taking the pill, counting pills, figuring out how to get more, if I have the money, what I will feel like if I can't get more, going through detox again, the shame, the guilt, the lying, the wasted money, what I could have spent the money on, etc.   Everyone's tape is different, but watch the ending, over and over if you have to!  

Evolv and Theresa - Those craving dreams seem so real at the moment don't they!   It just shows how engrained the addiction is in us.   Scarey!!     Scares me that I actually thought about taking something this morning...even though I have none and haven't been craving in the mornings for a week now.   I shook that off quickly after my brain finished waking up.   Whew!  

[NeedingHope4Me]

Theresa lol I haven't had any dreams about it THANKFULLY ..now watch I will tonight just cause haha

LOL evol I am an ex smoker too and I know that feeling..