How to avoid relapse?

[Ash223]

I'm very new to this.. So sorry if I ramble... Basically I've been addicted to heroin for over 3 years... I'm only 23 but I feel like I've wasted so much of my life. My sister moved to the Virgin Islands... And for some reason, somehow I got on a plane and arrived here even though I knew I would withdrawal... I just told my boyfriend back home before I left "oh I'm not quitting it's just one week" but obviously I got here with some guidance. It has been the worst struggle of my life.. And what ***** even more is not having many people to talk to. Initially, I planned on hiding it from my family but mid day 1 I broke down and told them everything. They had their suspicions, but didn't really know what I'd been doing the past few years. I have their support, but I just feel so alone with my awful thoughts. I've contacted outpatient rehab and I can't get in until Thursday next week... I'll be back home Friday night. I'm just so terrified of what I might do. I never ever want to feel this way again... But this has the strongest hold on me. I was a pretty functional addict.. I mean just to the extent that I kept my job for years and was able to hide it from soo many people.. It wasn't very safe though because who knows how long I could fool everyone. My older brother is also an addict.. He has 4 years clean, and he is very supportive, even wants to go to meetings when I get home. I have all the support in the world... And I'm terrified of letting everyone down since they all know now. Anyways, I'm on day 5... Have a lot of back soreness and anxiety, other than that I feel great. Beats the hell out of being dope sick. The worst part is ... My boyfriend is still using. I love him, but I know I can't be around him. I have nooo clue how to go about that... It's been a year and I mean I can definitely say we wouldn't be together if it weren't for our addictions because it is how we met after all. But still, when I think of going home to him I think of comfort and I'm just so far from that right now. I should be having the time of my life in paradise, but I just have no energy so everytime I force myself to go out, I long to be back here. Okay I'm done ranting... Sorry if I wasted your time or if no one cares to read this but I'd appreciate any kind of advice... Thanks a lot!

[mommymarieme]

"During the darkest hours, I dreamed of this day and at times thought it'd never come." That was beautiful. I too felt like that I kept getting back on the merry go round relapse after relapse and each time it was harder for me physically and mentally. The mental this time around was extremely difficult for me but I have some great friends on here that helped me thru it. You are very smart and you are a very strong girl. Try to not let those thoughts get to you, keep your mind busy when you get back. That is AWESOME that you got some sleep!! It took forever for my sleep to come back. I am glad that you are feeling better physically. Enjoy your time with your sister today :) let us know how work goes and if you need anything we are here ok?

[Kbusymom]

Congrats on getting through the worst of it; you are lucky you are young and your body is able to bounce back quickly.  
The mental part and dealing with our emotions is def more difficult than the WD.  My emotions are all over the place right now;  I've been super sensitive and crying over little things.  We just have to remember this is a rollercoaster and prepare ourselves for the ride.  Just go with the flow.
I am so proud of you- you sound so mature for your age.  Keep up the good work and keep us all posted.

[Ash223]

Yeah I started with oxys well just any pain pill I could get my hands on back then. If I would of thought this out more, I may have tried tapering down..  But personally as painful as this was, I think that if you have opportunity to just get far away from temptation as you can, then do so. I'm hoping that the memories of the first few days will be a strong deterrent for me because omg that was bad!! I mean it's night and day how I feel right now compared to the first few days. I finally got a full nights rest, and just feel amazing. During the darkest hours, I dreamed of this day and at times thought it'd never come. Very bitter sweet... Because I feel good, but saying good bye to my sister is very very painful. At least I can feel emotions though.. Regardless of how overwhelming it may be. I'm very sorry to hear that though, I can somewhat understand that pain because when I was 16 my boyfriend at the time started doing h... Before I even could fathom doing it. That was during the worst of my brothers addiction too so it just killed me. I ended up getting 2 jobs at the age of 17 and paying thousands for him to get treatment... Now he's doing great though. I get sometimes you have to walk away... It's just easier said then done. Are you clean now? I feel like the worst is over for me... But that's so far from the truth. Dealing with myself and my impulsive behaviors is going to be soooooo hard. I'm not offended though, not at all. I greatly appreciate the input.
Yeah I've spent thousands... It always frustrated me when I stopped to think about it, so I just never did. First thing I want to do is go on a little shopping spree lol because man I haven't gotten anything other than drugs for so long!!! Yeah I'm feeling more energetic already and it's great. Gosh I can't wait to say 60 days... Good for you. I definitely will.... I mean I'm scared ******** but just gotta face it head on I guess. As much as it ***** my flight gets in at midnight and I have to work early in the morning, it must be a blessing in disguise... Gives me hardly anytime to slip up, and more time to tell myself I'm doing good. Thanks so much for the support... It means the world to me.

[mommymarieme]

Ashlee think of what you can do with all of that money clean! It is amazing how much we spend on our doc! Some of us could have a brand new car or even a house ya know? Tomorrow will be 7 days honey! You are through the worst of it! :) there all all natural things to take for the anxiety and you can take hylands at night for the restless legs. The sleep and energy will come back very soon! I am almost to 60 days and I am getting more and more energy everyday you just have to push thru in the beginning. You are doing so good and please stay on here and let us know how you are when you get back ok? I am rooting for you and I just know you can do this!

[bemis]

Welcome here, this is an amazing place with great people... My DOC is oxy, and I was reading this forum for a few months, trying to decide whether to taper or do cold turkey, until I finally realized tapering made me use more. I only have one bit of wisdom, because I am still so new at this... I, like you, want to be like these amazing people on here. From personal experience, however, I know that it is hard, if not impossible, to stay clean when your partner is not. When I was expecting my second child (I was not a user at that time), I was trying to help my now-ex husband taper off pain meds. I thought it was working, I was so proud of him. But he was lying to me the whole time. I finally got him to admit to his addiction (and I was floored by how much he was taking), I was 8 1/2 months pregnant. I gave birth alone, because I wouldn't let him back into our home until he had completed rehab. [It's ironic that I managed to get right where he was exactly 4 years ago]. He completes rehab, lives in a halfway house for a bit, and he moved back in. I had pain meds for my migraines - never had a problem until the last year, when I started to abuse them. As soon as I let him back in to the house, and he had a freak out (which will happen to all of us, I know), he broke into my teenage son's room and the safe that had those medications and, boom, relapse. He lost his job, our marriage, everything. He's been on Subs ever since (our daughter turns 4 in a few weeks). Moral of the story - while you will have to interact and deal with folks that have access to these poisons - my experience is that you can't be intimate with someone who is using what you need to avoid. This is just my opinion, though, and I'm sorry if I have offended. Best of luck to you, and I'm so proud that you have come so far!

[Ash223]

Yeah I'm hoping it's a good distraction.. Just gotta control myself with the money. See I'm a waitress.. So it's instant cash, and a lot especially all day on a weekend. But you're right, I feel like I can do this... At least i pray to god. Thank you so much :):) I can't believe it's been so long since I've used. Even though I didn't sleep, I feel good!! Now, I still have anxiety and basically no energy but I'm trucking through it and just enjoying time with my sister before I leave. My legs don't get restless like they were constantly before, except when I sleep. But I feel half way free.. At least from needing to hit right when I wake up in order to move. It's amazing!!

[mommymarieme]

I know it is better for me to keep my self and my mind busy so I hope going to work helps you! :) it does make a difference that you did it for yourself because it is for you and no one else. So that is awesome! It will be different being at home but I have faith that you can do this with the support of your family and going to meetings when you get back home. I am so proud of you! You have a great attitude and it will really help you thru this. What are your symptoms now?

[mommymarieme]

I meant congrats on 8 months lol I am sorry I got the 80 from your screen name and for some reason that stuck in my head.

[Ash223]

It's soo hard not to fight it! But I know you're right.. Last night I just ended up reading the whole night and chain smoking cigs. Laying there praying for sleep doesn't help me at all. My brother recommended natural remedies, it's just harder to access stuff down here although I'm sure they have it. I'll be leaving tomorrow night... Arriving home around midnight and then have to work alllllllll day and night Saturday... Which may be a good or bad thing.
  Good job on 8 months, I can't even IMAGINE that.. And I'm not offended in any way, at all. I'm touched you took the time to say something. That is awful... And I know it's so real. I feel like I'm ready, but I'm thousands of miles from home. I can confidently say that I won't do it, but I know it'll be so much harder when I get home. I did this solely for myself though, so I hope that makes a difference. I'm so afraid of letting my family down... And I mean they would be devastated if I would die... Obviously I don't want that. Thank you soo much though... Means a lot. I can't get over how nice all of you have been, it has done me wonders already seriously. I wish you luck too.. I mean you have 8 months under your belt and I envy you but I'm sure it's still rough.

[mommymarieme]

It is sad but it is the reality of it. A lot of people don't realize that if they are off of h or pills for a while their tolerance is lower and that even a one last time could kill them. Congrats on your 80 days and I think that was a great comment.

[lasttime80]

Hi I normally do not comment here.  I am a recovering pain pill addict.  I've been clean now 8 months.  It has been the worst and best 8 months of my life.   You are so young and sound so grown up and you also sound ready.  That is the most important thing Ash is YOU have to be ready. If you are not and you are doing this to  satisfy someone elses  wishes it will never happen.  Trust me I went thru 3 detox programs that family pushed me to.  Right back to my pills. You have to honestly want this.  The reason I wanted to comment was your story is like a lot of others around me.  I live in southern Illinois where in the last couple years there has been almost 200 herion overdoses. 13 being close family or friends.  My concern with you is when these 13 people overdosed it was because they went to jail tried rehab whatever it was they did they stopped using some only for a week.  I've never used herion but i assume because all was about the same they stopped for a short period of time lost tolerance to it and then believed they could do the same amount and it killed them every last one of them.  Ash I don't know you anymore than a person walking down the road but please please know YOU WILL DIE if you go back home and jump on that wagon with you bfriend.  God I hope I am not offending you that is not my intentions at all just please please be careful with that stuff.  Look up overdoses in southern Illinois there are great surviving stories and also some very gruesome stories that may just help. I wish you the best of luck and hope I helped just a little.

[mommymarieme]

Sleep will come back but for right now try not to fight it because it will just make it worse. Just relax and watch some movies or listen to some music. Music helped me so much thru my withdrawals and it still helps me now. I think it helps me clean lol. You won't be 100% over night and it is ok it will take time but your life is worth it! Have you tried melatonin to help you sleep it is natural and you can find it at Walgreens. Also take a cal/mag/zinc before bed. I hope you have someone go with you to pick your things up from his house when you get back. How much longer are you staying with your sister?

[Ash223]

Yeah I wish I could go to a meeting now even... But it's nearly 3 am and I'm in a place where that's kinda difficult lol. It would probably be smart to have someone go with me.. Sad thing is, no one in my family or any of my clean friends have met him. I'm sorry to hear that, I feel blessed that I didn't have to experience that with a family member... My ex boyfriend overdosed so many times and it was the most haunting experience watching someone you care for just slip away right in front of you..but what scared me more is knowing that if I wasn't around, some of those people wouldn't even call 911, or he could be completely alone. There'd be times I would hit, then next thing I knew I was waking up with a needle in my arm... I'd think what if I didn't wake up I mean that would be awful and it obviously happens everyday... I felt invincible and like it would never happen to me but nobody is. I need this insomnia to go away.. I slept a few hours last night so I was certain tonight would be better buuuut nope, can't sleep a wink. I don't have access to a doctor here otherwise I would maybe see if they could help me... I've tried everything from listening to relaxing sounds, relaxing speakers, comforting movies, silence, counting sheep.. I mean everything!!! I just want to jump into the ocean right now and sink to the bottom.. My body is just wiped out of any sort if energy and it's driving me insane!! But thank you, I know I need to keep them coming... Especially so I never ever have to go through this again.. Hopefully I have better things to say tomorrow lol if I can get some sleep that is!! Thanks for your response :) really appreciate it.

[mommymarieme]

That sounds like a good plan ashlee! I think staying with your parents when you get back will be GREAT! We need all the support we can get and when you get back take your brother up on his offer of going to the meeting together :) when you go and pick up things from your boyfriends maybe you should have someone go with you? Since he is still using that would be like walking in the fire. The one last time that you said is the mental part of withdrawal. Our brains try to trick us into taking something. One is too many and a thousand is not enough. I have had two family members die this year from overdoses. You are young and you have so much life to look forward to you can do this now not everyone needs to hit a rock bottom or have a relapse honey. You are going on your sixth day let's keep those days coming ok? I am rooting for you and I just know you can do this! Let us know how you are doing :)

[Ash223]

Thanks so much everyone :) it really really means a lot. I made myself go out to the beach, figured the swimming would be therapeutic and it definitely was. When I go back home, I'll be staying with my parents.. I will have to get things from my boyfriends though. As for my plan, I have to go back to work the next day.. But beforehand I know I should try a meeting.
I know you're right about the boyfriend and friend thing... I actually did lose all my friends because they weren't using... One of my best friends would of been there for me but I didn't want her to see me like that. I keep trying to push the bad thoughts out... Like oh I'll just do it once more. I know that isn't possible for me... It's so hard battling with myself. And since I didn't lose a lot like many have... It scares me. Everyone says you need to hit rock bottom.. And that relapse is a part of recovery. So what does that mean for me?
Yeah I can't picture being able to make it with him... but we just grew so close... He's wanted to get clean before, but it was me that said we shouldn't... But if he really wanted to, I suppose it wouldn't of mattered what I said.
Yeah my brother is really amazing... He had a 10 year battle with heroin when I was growing up. I swore I would never end up like he was and then here I am.. Now he's doing a million times better than me, even has an amazing 2 year old son.
Thanks for all the support everyone, like I said it means a lot talking to people who really understand. My sister wants me to just stay here and never go home.. She thinks I'm just making up excuses when I say I need to go home and do some form of treatment otherwise I won't really be better. She means well and I love her to death and miss the hell out of her but I just need to face my demons and I think treatment will help me do that. I don't know anything at this point except, but even in this weak state, it's so much better than waking up needing to get high just to function like a normal person. I hope I can be like all of you someday and have years clean. It's just amazing to me that I got myself in this mess... And how quickly time flew by and all the while I was thinking that I could just continue living like that and I'd be fine. I'm feeling so many emotions it's just all crazy. Anyways, thank you everyone.. I'm probably going to be posting a lot so if I get annoying just say shut up Ashlee haha.

[Kbusymom]

Welcome; glad you're here.
I've been off H for 16 years and congrats on trying to get out before you lose everything.  It took me lower than I've ever been before.  Weaver is right, it only gets worse- I lost the ability to function, keep a job, etc.  Get help while you have your family's support.  If you go back to it; you will lose them.   I'm so glad you have a clean brother and a supportive family.  
Keep posting and sharing; people are wonderful on this forum and always have kind words of support.  Good luck to you!!

[ActingBrandNew]

Welcome! :) You didnt waste anybody's time!! Were glad you posted!

First, congrats on the 5 days! Thats huge. Ive been clean from heroin myself for 3 years 9 months so I know your struggle. I will tell you one thing though, Ive never been able to stay clean while being in a relationship with another addict. Thats just me though....hopefully you will put yourself first and do what you have to do to stay clean. Get really involved in some aftercare of some sort and surround yourself with people who have a lot of clean time that can support you.  You can do it...your young and have soooo many great years ahead of you.

Wishing you success!

[weaver71]

I hope you stay out of it, even if it means losing the boyfriend. It will be worth it for sure. Go to those meetings, get into counseling, go to church, or whatever makes you want to be the best you there is. You know you have been living a lie, or you wouldn't have detoxed like this. Do what you know is right. Telling your secret is huge, we are only as sick as our secrets. Take a good vitamin, drink lots of water, eat good, and drink as much water as you can. And like mentioned already, force yourself to keep moving and keep your blood circulating. You don't have to work up a sweat, but sitting around makes it take longer. Go stay with your brother when you get back, avoid all you using friends and bf. You are young and don't have to lose as much as many of us did. It really gets worse and worse. You won't be able to hide it or even function eventually. Do whatever it takes, that's what it takes. No sacrifice is too large. In a week you will feel better, that is when you really need help. Don't ever think you can just do it occasionally, you will be very disappointed in yourself. Keep growing and being the best you there is, you will feel so much better. Keep posting for support, we totally get how you feel.

[mommymarieme]

Congrats on day 5! That is great. Try to get up and get moving the more active the better. When you go back will you be living with your boyfriend? Does he want to be clean? You have made it five days honey and things are already looking up. You have your families support and your brother said he will go with you to n.a. I think that is AWESOME! You are young with a lot of life a head of you and you can do great things with your life. Where will the heroin lead you? Jails, institutions and death. What is your plan when you get back home? I am rooting for you and I know you will have a better life clean! :) I can promise you that!