Aa
How will I look forward to getting up?
I googled how to detox from pain pills at home & found this forum. I have found comfort reading the posts from people in the same position as am I. I had to laugh because one person said, something to the effect that she/he had "just snorted her last oxycotin". I found dark humor in it, because, even though I never snorted my pills, I was building up courage, reading these posts, PLANNING on quitting, but still "high" on my own pills as I was reading. That is the problem. Everything seems much more do-able when you are taking pills. I have been taking 10/325 hydrocodones for 8 years now. I have been married for seven. I don't even know if my husband will like me when I am off these things. My husband, or my friends, (or even my dogs). I never could have children and am 50 years old. I became a nurse a year ago, and practiced for 9 months & just quit to be with my dying mother in another state, (who just died), and to go back to school to become an RN. I started taking these pills years before I became a nurse, before I knew "how horrible" it was of someone to be on them. I knew I was getting out of control, when my sole happiness depended on whether I had pills or not, but became not only ashamed to ask for help, but scared to do so, in fear of thwarting my new career or losing my license before I ever really get to use it. But I just got "kicked out" of my PMC for failing multiple drug tests, and I had not known I had failed a one. Evidently, they could tell when I took my husband's 5/525's to supplement my own, to make it to my appointments with the correct amount of pills for them to count. I was too "smart/stupid" for my own good. Like 8 10/325's wasn't enough. I started the tapering method yesterday to keep from getting quite as sick. Last night was rough already, and I had gone from 8+ a day to 6 early in the day (to get me to my early church service where I teach small children Sunday school), and was able to take some this morning so I can go work out as normal, and keep up the front, b4 I hole myself up the rest of the day & do schoolwork & ache and cry. And yes, I do hurt the same day when I don't take any after noon. My original question is, even when I get down to just 2 a day to start my day off so I can workout and go to school- how am I going to eventually wake up and take none at all, when I don't look that forward to living as it is? I feel like my life has been pointless, with no children to care for, no family that really loves me, and now, the best things I have going on for me, is a husband that is almost 20 years older than me, (and I am his 3rd wife), and dogs that I practically live for & worship. But my mom was the same way & when she died, the love of her life, (her dog), seems to have taken just a couple of weeks to get over HER passing... And if only I could have had the willpower b4 to take my pills as I should, now that I am having to do to do this taper method..I wouldn't be in this position in the first place!
How do you look forward to getting up? What a wonderful question.
Right now, you believe the painkillers are what give you the ability to look forward to the day. An alcoholic believes the same thing about alcohol. A heroin addict believes the same thing about heroin. You are partly right. Now, it is what colors your life and makes it bearable. It is what changes your perception of life.
As you start living without the addiction, life begins to change, too. You start seeing things in brighter tones. You find new motivations. You find new joy. It is not immediate. It is not always easy. You probably cannot do it on your own. I spent time in a treatment center when I started. I still go back for regular counseling sessions to work on my mindset and to keep moving in the direction I want.
You find reasons to get up by exploring your own desires, hopes, dreams, and wishes. Imagine what you could do with the money you spend on painkillers. Imagine the people you can meet, enjoy, and make friendships with during your recovery. You are starting on a journey of exploration that just happens to have some rugged roads at the start. Your life is about to become a real adventure in change. Watching yourself change may become the motivating reason to get up every morning.
Right now, you believe the painkillers are what give you the ability to look forward to the day. An alcoholic believes the same thing about alcohol. A heroin addict believes the same thing about heroin. You are partly right. Now, it is what colors your life and makes it bearable. It is what changes your perception of life.
As you start living without the addiction, life begins to change, too. You start seeing things in brighter tones. You find new motivations. You find new joy. It is not immediate. It is not always easy. You probably cannot do it on your own. I spent time in a treatment center when I started. I still go back for regular counseling sessions to work on my mindset and to keep moving in the direction I want.
You find reasons to get up by exploring your own desires, hopes, dreams, and wishes. Imagine what you could do with the money you spend on painkillers. Imagine the people you can meet, enjoy, and make friendships with during your recovery. You are starting on a journey of exploration that just happens to have some rugged roads at the start. Your life is about to become a real adventure in change. Watching yourself change may become the motivating reason to get up every morning.
You don't need to feel ashamed here for anything you have done or how you feel!! There is no judgment here, just people supporting each other in out journey's to living life clear headed without addiction. I'm new here, have 44 days and have already found some great friends with awesome advice as well as support and encouragement from people who know exactly what I am going through. Everyone of us has "lived the lie" and kept the secrets. You have taken the first step in starting your recovery. I wish you luck in your journey, trust me it's not easy, but worth everyday of sobriety. You can do it. We are all here to help! Welcome!
What ADHD med is a narcotic? Amphetamine is the standard protocol. Adderall, Ritalin, etc... Narcotics are opiates in the science world, though Americans call many drugs that, which isn't correct. I have to agree with your friend/doctor on this one. ADHD meds have potential for abuse, I think getting totally clean for awhile before addressing that issue would be helpful. I waited 15 months to deal with my bipolar, but I was on high dose methadone. I should have sought help after 90 days, but I do everything the hard way. Bipolar causes extreme ADHD, so I know how you feel for sure. I am glad I started treating mental illness with a base me. Working recovery from opiates has helped me to deal with things in a new way. Get into meetings and counseling and try to focus on your taking more pills than prescribed. Be glad you didn't walk any further down that road.
Good outweighs the bad on day 17? That's awesome! And I liked your comment, about looking at the sun, and thanking the Real Son! Prayers are always accepted and appreciated here! Hopefully He will help us both through... :)
Thanks for the shout out! Congrats on 77 days! I am a big fan of counting days, but I am not sure when I am actually gonna start- I guess when I take my last one- will be the day b4 Thanksgiving, if I can stick to this regimen. I am having nighttime withdrawals from only taking 6 a day instead of 8. In truth, I think I was taking more than 8 & that is why I got into "trouble".. anyhow, I go down to 5 day starting Sunday...I finally talked to my primary care physician, (not pain management-they are impossible to get thru to)..and unfortunately, he believes in tapering down as quickly as I already am, which doesn't help me change anything to make it easier,(titering more slowly), except has it in my medical records that I have admitted to being an addict now. Once thru all this, I probably would have made the personal choice to never take a pain pill again as long as I live, but it kinda ***** to be labeled, and to think that if I were in a car accident and had my head torn practically off, all they are gonna give me is aspirin! lol...OH! yeah, I almost forgot- what I wanted to say is that I have ADHD too. Have had it for over 30 years. And my doctor, (who is actually our neighbor and my husband's and I best friends, I suppose-the ones we do everything with..) has always refused to give me my ADHD medicine because its a narcotic and I was already on pain pills. I had taken that medicine responsibly since I was 25, for about 20 years, until I met this friend and doctor, and had to get thru nursing school without anything to help my concentration (except my pain pills, which pain management was giving me) because he basically considered me an addict then, "claiming" I had ADHD while I was already on pain pills. It made the situation even more limiting because he is our friend and doctor & it would cause hard feelings to change doctors because I don't like how I was judged & it also hurts that he had always felt that way about me... THEN- I have to go and "do this"..and prove him right. He is proud of me now, but it kind of makes me want to growl, because NOW I am back in school to get my RN, and am taking chemistry and Anatomy & Physiology, going thru withdrawals, with no ADHD medicine either, because of the way my best friend and doctor feels about me....
Congrats on 77 man I'm jealous but I will get there even at 17 my good is outweighing the bad just one day at a time every morning I see the sun come up I stop and thank the real son for one Moore day of freedom,prayers to all.
To Charles and Living a lie Hey both of you are doing awesome! keep it up im on day 77 stilling having ups and downs.... but I just got some new supplements im going to be trying hoping they help one is lions mane mushrooms. and another is vinpocetine... been on ginkgo too so alot of those are suppose to help with memory and energy let you know how they work on me .. It doesnt help that I have ADD that was underlying and never was diagnosed while on drugs .
How are you doing today , thanks for your post I have taken off brand pm to try but they make me feel yucky . This was my 17th day I had a real good day but people that are father along say its good days and bad this is so true cause day 15 and 16 were awful I felt alone I was mad at world . So to avoid arguing and yelling at people that don't understand I had to walk around. Block and cool off even though I walk every morning. Well that late night walk worked and it didn't last ten minutes I don't mean to carry on but do anything you can to keep them demons from controlling you pray a lot cry and be happy cause god will see you through praying for you.
Are you taking sleep aids like Nyquil or Benedryl? That might help you with the sleepless nights. I am just starting, tapering down, so I only have wd type of feelings at night..(sleeplessness and restless leg syndrome)- I have found it priceless to drink Nyquil at night- I find the off-brands to be much more effective than actual Nyquil for some reason...
On my 16th day it's really hard to stay still wanting to get up and move all time even after exercise but my body is tired of the no sleep for two weeks will this go away or will my body catch up with my mind feeling confused.
I have screwed UP as much or more than you. Ha! I can't see my screen very well. That mistake sure changed the connotation, didn't it?
Welcome; I'm glad you're here. There is so much support, love, good advice on this site along with no judgement.
I've felt many times in my addiction that I have no purpose. I think Weaver and Heather both gave you excellent advice.
We have to get past our shame or we will use that as an excuse to use. We are all good people with a disease that causes us to make bad choices. We are not bad people; just sick people.
I have an 8 year old daughter and I've put my pills before her needs. If I focus on the guilt of that, I am still missing out on being there for her. I want to be the parent she deserves and I want a better life for us both.
As far as the detox; I couldn't taper- went cold turkey and am on day 14. I think tapering prolongs the process. It's been so hard; I couldn't imagine doing anything without pills. Def check out the Thomas recipe and keep posting. We are all here for you and we are in this together. Be patient with yourself. Sending you hugs and blessings!
I've felt many times in my addiction that I have no purpose. I think Weaver and Heather both gave you excellent advice.
We have to get past our shame or we will use that as an excuse to use. We are all good people with a disease that causes us to make bad choices. We are not bad people; just sick people.
I have an 8 year old daughter and I've put my pills before her needs. If I focus on the guilt of that, I am still missing out on being there for her. I want to be the parent she deserves and I want a better life for us both.
As far as the detox; I couldn't taper- went cold turkey and am on day 14. I think tapering prolongs the process. It's been so hard; I couldn't imagine doing anything without pills. Def check out the Thomas recipe and keep posting. We are all here for you and we are in this together. Be patient with yourself. Sending you hugs and blessings!
Hi there, and welcome! I am 60 years old and pretty much felt life needed to be enhanced with oxycodone. I was on them 2 years, hydrocodone before that, Xanax before that, and decades of drinking before that.
Its been 4 months now totally clean now for me, and I am finding purpose and satisfaction from life. Its not easy all the time, but so worth it. You will share in this happiness too, if you want it badly enough.
Kinda silly, when you think about it, the number of pills in a bottle determining our satisfaction and joy in life??
My sobriety is not contingent on my life situation at the moment. Sometimes I get the short end of the stick and feel badly about it. But I know deep down pills cant solve problems, they are only good at creating more of them.
I am still healing, every day, from a lifetime of abusing my body and mind with substances. So I give myself permission not to be perfect today. I like to tell my wife, "I am still filing down my Devil's horns, and my wings are just beginning to sprout." That is, I've learned not to take myself too seriously.
What I do take seriously is: No More Pills.
Life is getting better and better each day without me planning it so.
One day at a time, thats enough to contend with.
I think it very important not to set myself up for failure with: I will be happy only if.... or I will stay off of pills when such and so happens.
I wish you the best in you quest for a genuine life clean from pills.
Its been 4 months now totally clean now for me, and I am finding purpose and satisfaction from life. Its not easy all the time, but so worth it. You will share in this happiness too, if you want it badly enough.
Kinda silly, when you think about it, the number of pills in a bottle determining our satisfaction and joy in life??
My sobriety is not contingent on my life situation at the moment. Sometimes I get the short end of the stick and feel badly about it. But I know deep down pills cant solve problems, they are only good at creating more of them.
I am still healing, every day, from a lifetime of abusing my body and mind with substances. So I give myself permission not to be perfect today. I like to tell my wife, "I am still filing down my Devil's horns, and my wings are just beginning to sprout." That is, I've learned not to take myself too seriously.
What I do take seriously is: No More Pills.
Life is getting better and better each day without me planning it so.
One day at a time, thats enough to contend with.
I think it very important not to set myself up for failure with: I will be happy only if.... or I will stay off of pills when such and so happens.
I wish you the best in you quest for a genuine life clean from pills.
Sorry my post was so messed up. My phone looks like a spiders web from dropping it. I meant I feel like I only take care of my kids and wife. I'm basically building a new house, working recovery, helping kids with school work, trying to help my wife with chores as she had to start working now that I am clean. Point is, with a family or without, it can feel like we get lost in whatever we are doing. You don't have to feel ashamed, I bet I have screwed as much and probably more. I have beat myself up, neglected my family, spent my money on drugs, and acted like a jerk in most ways that are possible. I try to focus on the things I have and appreciate them. At least I get a chance to make amends and move forward from now on. Do you like church, do you go to NA, or volunteer anywhere? Loneliness is a major issue in early recovery. We will all talk about anything you want, but you need to be in hugging distance to other people too. It will get better if you keep working for it. We have to replace old patterns with new ones. This is a chance to totally start over, it starts to be quite fun.
I am 130days sober..I have been using for 14 years...
we dont judge here...if u ever need a friend I am here though Weaver is more wise than I am though :)
Just know life is clearer sober and better sober...sometimes worse but its the other side of the worse and getting to the other side and staying sober that makes it amazing
know for every down there is an up
and the best rainbows come from the worse storms...you can do this and never lose hope...because even when you have nothing HOPE can get you through the worst times
we dont judge here...if u ever need a friend I am here though Weaver is more wise than I am though :)
Just know life is clearer sober and better sober...sometimes worse but its the other side of the worse and getting to the other side and staying sober that makes it amazing
know for every down there is an up
and the best rainbows come from the worse storms...you can do this and never lose hope...because even when you have nothing HOPE can get you through the worst times
Thank you. You've helped a lot already- though I know its gonna be a LONG row to hoe...
Thank you so much Heather for responding and trying to help me. And congratulations on 15 years sober! Wow!
Thank you for sharing. I don't feel so alone. I am ashamed of feeling pointless, when outwardly, I have so much to be thankful for- that the mere fact that I'm not is shameful. At any rate, I am curious. You started out that you take care of ?????? and your wife...? I am curious of what you meant, and what is going on with your wife. I guess I just need a friend to talk to that won't make me feel more ashamed and judged-- (I do enough of that myself)...
Sometimes I feel like my life is pointless. Is all I do is Care for my. Him den and wife. I wonder if I even exist. Our situation is not whT makes us feel useless or like failures, it's our dulled hearts that can't feel much else. This disease has no bias. There are doctors, nurses, several respected business people, and every walk of life in NA rooms, at least here there are. There will be no shame for you anymore. Hang around recovering addicts and you will see. Addicts are often the most awesome people you will meet. You can see how our empathetic hearts want to escape this world. Once they are clean, you couldn't have a more genuine, caring, loving person for a friend. I am glad you are here, you just took the step that takes the longest. It took me many years to admit there was a problem and I needed help. Time is what will give you a life that excites you. You will wake up ready to live!
How do you look forward to getting up....
Thats a tough one for me, I will only share my personal experience of waking up after detox
I was on methadone lost my mom in 05 dad is 2011...my x and I broke up after 10 years...
I got clean and was sick for a while as its harder to get off methadone...
I found this site and for a month or 2 this site and work were the ONLY things I looked forward to...I was talked into trying NA after 100plus days clean I was going crazy in my head...Now I have a LOT of people I talk to and we go on retreats I have a bonfire coming up, my sister and brothers bday, holidays, weddings, all of which I am doing SOBER...Its not all easy there is no magic "I'm sober life will be all better" clairity, the best gift so far is emotions, though not all emotions are good, I still feel and I lean on MH and NA...I have creathed my own family...since mine are so far...
It's the little things yah know...
Plus I am free I dont have to find pills hunt pills spend money etc...thats another thing I look forward to!!
I havnt been sober since I was 14...I am 29...
Spending my 30th bday sober i look forward to that
write a list of all the things you want to do sober...that will be what u have to look forward to...look into after care...do the steps...it will open your eyes...seriously...(I dont have kids either) NEVER lose home I know your scared but the only thing stronger than fear is hope
Thats a tough one for me, I will only share my personal experience of waking up after detox
I was on methadone lost my mom in 05 dad is 2011...my x and I broke up after 10 years...
I got clean and was sick for a while as its harder to get off methadone...
I found this site and for a month or 2 this site and work were the ONLY things I looked forward to...I was talked into trying NA after 100plus days clean I was going crazy in my head...Now I have a LOT of people I talk to and we go on retreats I have a bonfire coming up, my sister and brothers bday, holidays, weddings, all of which I am doing SOBER...Its not all easy there is no magic "I'm sober life will be all better" clairity, the best gift so far is emotions, though not all emotions are good, I still feel and I lean on MH and NA...I have creathed my own family...since mine are so far...
It's the little things yah know...
Plus I am free I dont have to find pills hunt pills spend money etc...thats another thing I look forward to!!
I havnt been sober since I was 14...I am 29...
Spending my 30th bday sober i look forward to that
write a list of all the things you want to do sober...that will be what u have to look forward to...look into after care...do the steps...it will open your eyes...seriously...(I dont have kids either) NEVER lose home I know your scared but the only thing stronger than fear is hope
I was taking as much as you in the last months of my addiction. I was 60 plus then and knew I had to figure out who I was, not who I was on the pills. Hardest fight I ever had. We can't give a taper schedule as medically a doctor needs to help, but I will say..it needs to be slow and steady and arranged. You can do this..it is doable as evidenced by so many here. The only way that "I" could do it was cold turkey. You will hear many say you have to cut all sources. I tried a few times before, but only when I was out. When the drugstore called, my good intents went bye-bye as I drove quickly to the drugstore. The last time I called the drugstore and canceled all scripts. I called my doctor and we had a chat. She helped me so much. She felt bad that she had been my unwitting dealer. When she retired, I told my new doctor the same thing. I hate having that on my medical record, but best to be safe.
Stay here, read listen. Look up the Thomas Recipe here on Most Viewed Health Pages on the lower right of this page and see what will help. There are some nurses here that I hope will chime in. Ask for help when you get lost. I am happy you found this forum..it saved the say for me and many others.
Stay here, read listen. Look up the Thomas Recipe here on Most Viewed Health Pages on the lower right of this page and see what will help. There are some nurses here that I hope will chime in. Ask for help when you get lost. I am happy you found this forum..it saved the say for me and many others.
Thank you so much for answering me. I am ashamed of my sappy, self-centered post. You can tell my pills hadn't "kicked in" yet this morning, for me to be so negative. That's just it, the pills color my entire outlook on life. I joined a church 2 years ago and got baptized at 49 years old, to try to find meaning in life. I also have become a nurse, because I wanted to do something USEFUL with my life and help others...I am TRYING to not be a self-loathing person. Everyone that knows me says that I am the happiest, funnest most giving and large hearted person they ever met. But I have always been on the pills since they've known me. That is how I am living a lie.I AM a very empathetic and caring person. If I do get a chance to practice nursing again, I DO think I will be a terrific nurse, because I care more for others than I do myself. That is kind of the sad thing though- I don't seem to care much for myself, specially as an addict. Thank you for taking time to read and answer my post. I WILL go forward. I have to. :)
You made your decision to stop and that's the first step. You'll get great advice here on everything from taking supplements, like the thomas recipe, to all the different stages of withdrawal and aftercare, which is really important. You will get through this. Just keep posting and treat your symptoms as they come. Try not to overworry it.
I should have first mentioned how sorry I am about your loss. I lost my mother in '06 and though it'sot as raw, I think I am forever changed.
And you can have a fulfilling life withiut children. My sisyer and one of my good friends both wanted kids but didn't have any and though I know theere is some lingering sadness at times but overall they have busy, fulfilling lives.
I should have first mentioned how sorry I am about your loss. I lost my mother in '06 and though it'sot as raw, I think I am forever changed.
And you can have a fulfilling life withiut children. My sisyer and one of my good friends both wanted kids but didn't have any and though I know theere is some lingering sadness at times but overall they have busy, fulfilling lives.
Have an Answer?
You are reading content posted in the Addiction: Substance Abuse Community
Is treating glaucoma with marijuana all hype, or can hemp actually help?
If you think marijuana has no ill effects on your health, this article from Missouri Medicine may make you think again.
Julia Aharonov, DO, reveals the quickest way to beat drug withdrawal.
Tricks to help you quit for good.
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
