Hydrocodone addiction, desperately need help!..

[Cjwillingham94]

My names Chris and I'm 20 years old with 2 beautiful daughters and an amazing girlfriend of 4 years, I have been taken them daily for about 3 years now,  taken about 5 to 8 this past year,  I'm spending so much money on them,  and losing everything I feel like,  I lose every job I get because I feel like I have to have them to work,  or to do anything!!  I feel socially awkward without them,  and unmotivated and just unhappy period,  but I'm not happy on them anymore either!  I recently tried to quit but ended up breaking and getting some and lied to my girlfriend cause I didn't want to let her down because she was so proud of me :( and soon I'm going to lose her over them to!  She is dying for me to quit just as bad, but she Is all I have...  My mom and dad both get them heavily prescribed and I break and get some from them..  My Brother sister and cousins take them as well,and I really don't have any friends or no will power! Im really depressed at this time and I don't know where to turn or what to do and I really just wish I had someone to talk to I guess is why I'm posting cause I feel really depressd and alone..  My girlfriend believes in tough love and just wants me to quit period not understanding how so very hard it is for me!!  I'm in a constant cycle,  I'm just working to buy pills,  and enough to get by, we don't have a house we stay with her grandma (pathetic  I know)  and car is broken down and I feel like Im in in prison and I want out so bad!  Can someone please help me

[Laciepaws]

Chris....you there?  How's it going? Please drop a line no matter what you're going through. I get a little worried--understand the phone outta minutes things but as soon as you can let us know how you are!

We're rooting for you! Did you hook up a pm on here? Hope so....

Lacie

[vicki595]

Hi Chris- Aftercare of some kind is generally very helpful to people wanting recovery. There are many different things you can do as aftercare, not just NA.  While the program is helpful, it's not for everyone. It's recommended a lot because it's free and the different hours make it more available. It's not the only way to go, though. Gnarly isn't saying it's impossible without NA; it was his ticket to recovery so he recommends it. Recovery stats are the same if you do nothing...which is sad but a supportive group or person is certainly a help and a comfort.

The point is to have a plan and some support. Joining the gym is an excellent plan! It will make you feel so much better. Is there someone you trust that you can talk to?  Consider a therapist maybe and try to create a new daily routine for yourself.  

The key to recovery is different for everyone. It's a combination of many different routines, attitudes, plans, and thoughts. The most important thing is the desire to quit.  Do some reading about addiction; there are a million books available...and keep in touch here!

[gnarly_1]

Hi Chris  well there are other aftercare options  and I have tryed most  it can be tuff in a small town...so the next meeting out of town is 30 min away??  would you drive that far to score some pills if your out...for most of us the answer is yes....the meetings are only part of the progam  it is working the 12 steps that will help you put a end to the train wreck your life has become in active addiction  I used a substance abuse counselor for 3yrs and it worked  but that dam desire was still there   you have so much to loose  you need to get some form of help or this disease may very well kill you  it always breaks my heart to see young people with this monkey on ther back  just keep in mind what your doing now is not working  doing the same thing over and expecting different results is the true definition of insanity....we are all here for you  I have been on this forum since september of 09  we know what it is going to take to find recovery loosing everything is often what it takes to get help  im only trying to help you avoid that part of this disease    Gnarly

[Cjwillingham94]

So your saying as of right now it's completely impossible just won't happen unless I go to na?  This is a 3000 population town.  I don't want to go to na here and there's reasons.  The next one would be 30 minutes away,  and my cars broke down.  I have a hard time getting a ride to buy diapers much less to an na meeting.. If I go then what,  you sit there for an hour and listen to the same thing I'm reading about?  If my girlfriend can't stop me from taking pills,  if I can't call her for reassurance and put them down what's going to be different about people I don't feel comfortable with and don't know?  what about na is going to make that much of a difference in my life.

[gnarly_1]

Hey Chris......well I have been following your post and it screams addict all over it....just know with a little help the disease can be arrested and then recovery is possible....the first thing that has to change is trying to do this alone you need support  this is a ''we'' thing not a ''i'' thing  I often say the only way to do this wrong is trying to do it alone I tryed for years to do it alone and I would get 90 days  mabe 6mo clean but always went back and it always got worst....for me N/A has been the magic bullet and I recamend it to everyone the meetings will give you some place to share where the people understand  you dont even have to be clean to go  you just need the desire to get clean.....the one thing this progam can do that the others dont is with time and working the 12 steps you will loose the very desire to use...something I thought was impossible  it also will give you someplace to meet new clean friends...there is also activity's like picnic's and dances just to name a few  my wife and I go to the dances twice a month and look forward to it  getting clean and staying clean is a life changing experience it will teach you a new way to live...if you done trying to do this your way and are truely ready to stop this progam works  there is a lot of sayings in the progam  the one that sticks in my head is...'''you dont pick up no mater what''  so good day  bad day  stress absluly nothing is a reson to pick up...I dont know what it is about that fraze that hit me  but I never have to use again is another one  it is simple things that work....Chris your at a crossroad here....your G/F is going to leave you with your kids....that is a auful price to pay just because you want to get High...now you can do what it takes b/4 this happens or I can assure you your life will be a seres of disasters ....you have your whole life in front of you all it takes is a commitment to do what ever it is going to take to get clean  we will be here to support you time to get out of your comfort zone and do the next right thing.....Gnarly

[Cjwillingham94]

Yep your right I know I'm not hopeless at all neither is my situation,  I just get swamped by things that upset me and at times can definitely feel hopeless but I know in my heart a big change is coming an I'm gonna own it

[msdelight]

Google stuff when you get home with that precious baby. Some folks on here like to go a town or two over just to be discreet.  The main thing is that you formulate a plan, and execute it. We will all help.  I was thinking about your situation, and it occurred to me that people addicted to alcohol have easy access to booze and yet they manage to quit. I don't think your situation is hopeless at all. I know you can do this!

[Cjwillingham94]

Thank you really does mean a lot.. And yes I do love my girls! And my lady cuz she is the only one there,  I can't blame her for getting upset with me the way she does because she doesn't understand..  And I'm thinking when I get sober,  (really small town)  but I work at the local hospital so got free membership to a gym was thinking about that as a way to spend some time. .  And I can't quit dreaming!  So many other things life offers..  But anyways I get off at 2 30 And have to get my youngest and take care of her before I even walk in the door so if I can organize something out I could hopefully do something more productive in that time eventually.. Thank you again ms very much

[msdelight]

Life is a constant journey into the unknown. Wherever you're at today, don't let go of the dream. Your journey is your journey, and I believe you have the power to do it. You seem like a fine young man, sticking with your daughters and your gf. Not all men are brave enough to do that. My dad split when I was 2, and I cannot tell you the long term damage that does to a girl. .
Anyway, your challenge is even more difficult because of your family .. my heart goes out to you. However, your situation is not impossible. I don't suggest NA to everyone (anyone usually) but in your situation it sounds like you should at least check it out.  You need sober friends and activities.  That down time between 3 and 530 would be a great time to attend a meeting and also get in a good workout.  Is there a YMCA or college gym u could use? Aso,you don't have to be sober to hit the meeting. You just have to want to stop being addicted.  Wishing you peace today. Stay with us, k?

[Cjwillingham94]

Hi ms delight I'm fine thanks.  I have not posted,  but have not going anywhere,  I still constantly read on here to keep my hope and dreams going.  Thanks for Checking,  I have been meaning to post an update but I'm still where I don't need to be,  and I just don't want to look stubborn,  won't quit trying  though, and I know I can do it..  I have just been having so much trouble lately with everything my mind can't hardly just take it all in at once,  but I am going one step at a time one day and won't quit till I'm where I wanna be thanks for the posts and concern

[msdelight]

Hey Chris, just wondering how you are today. I'm hoping you will come back, whether you have taken anything or not. So I'm bumping this up to current. Please check back in soon.

[NeverAgain127]

Honey, there is no reason for you to leave here.    Please, don't go.

We've all been where you are and we know what usually works, that's all.   If you want this bad enough, you'll get it.  But there lies the rub:  are you willing to to do WHATEVER it takes to get off the pills and lead a happy sober life?  

If that whatever means going to n/a, are you willing to do it?

We've all tried to use our willpower to just muscle through and not take the drugs any more.  For a very small percentage of us, it works.  But the vast majority can't.  It's a disease, not a question of will power.   And I don't know why support groups work, but they just DO.  

I really hope you don't stop trying to quit, and you'll consider what I'm saying...we are all here for you, me included.  My comment was not meant to to be offensive...

Hugs,
-Robin

[Cjwillingham94]

Thank you robin and i understand, no point in wastin anyones time if you already see it comin thanks 4 the honesty. and thank you too spider, it really is hard trying to worry about everything all at once! Thank you for the support very very much.
Jerry, i have been tryin to send you a message but cant figure out how, my computers a lil different. if you get a few minutes do u mind sending me a message?

[spider6]

Chris, hi, I've just finished reading your epic thread...woa brother....welcome, I'm glad your sticking around and posting......

Honey.....you need to just surrender.  At this time...maybe it's ok if she leaves....stay there....stay home....and just kick it!  Worrying about her and your job right now....holding you sick.

Reach out in the real world, grab hold of whatever support you can, doctor, clergy, AA/NA, family and friends that DONT use etc.  

Stay away from family that uses and let them know why.  You can only deal with one thing at a time right now......

Keeping busy is key......expend that excess energy.....drink sh*tloads of water??screw the Gatorade, it's poison in a pretty coloured liquid!!! .....drink water! Take l-tyrosine or 5htp or same-e for depression ....eat clean...nothing processed .....take hot Epsom baths or hot showers....run, dance, work out, hike, play sports, have sex.....listen to good music, watch funny shows, write, read, journal, rant, create.......dream....(even if you can't sleep)...keep the thoughts proactive and positive .....

You're too young baby to do this to yourself...believe me, I've seen the later part of this rodeo and you will get thrown again....surrender and climb off the horse.

Much luck and support and Rootin for ya!...((((8)))) Spidey hugs

[Jerry198]

yo Bro its *****!!!!!! like I said this is hard and in your first post you spoke of losing things and now its about to be your GF ?? I've been in your same spot and managed to make my own way to recovery and fell off a few times for med reasons but I think you could use some additional help and you could have bagged this one!! you were on a roll and if you could of had a meeting or two under your belt you could of had a little ammo to help before you made that call just a thought the worst part of quiting now is the mental part since its fresh in your mind it will hurt just that extra bit.  just think of it this way we are faceless people that have helped you out from around the world on just this one thread just think if you had a real person that would have came help you before you scored you would not be back at ground zero right now planning your next fight possibly with out your GF

[NeverAgain127]

Sigh.  Honey.  No one "Beats" addiction.  They manage to stay away from drugs one day at a time, with the help of a program.  A 12 step program.  

There are some folks who can do it without N/A, but they are 1. rare and 2. not true addicts.    You are a true addict.  

You've tried this on your own, using your own willpower.   Read this:  IT DOES NOT WORK.

This is a cycle you will repeat over and over until you are dead, or in jail.  

You cannot do this "your way."  N/A will teach you, slowly and over a long period of time, how to deal with cravings, temptations, triggers, etc.

I stopped replying here because I could see your relapse coming from 100 miles away.    I do not mean to be harsh or offensive, but you have no choice about this.   Force yourself to an N/A meeting.

Remember Chris:  Your BEST thinking got you where you are today.  

Hugs,
-Robin

[jifmoc]

Hi. I didn't read the whole thread but you relapsed because you are an addict who is not in recovery. Like Never Again posted above, did you go to an NA or AA meeting? We cannot just put the pills down. The problem is our brains.

Did you cut ALL your sources? You need to change your ph # if need be. You have to be willing to do ANYTHING in order to get clean.

[Cjwillingham94]

Thank y'all.... Sorry to let everyone know,  was having a terrible day and went off and got sum more dros,  and took a couple..  I really really let myself down  this time because it was the one time I really believed I had it beat,  and I know I didn't go that long but still.  I called my girlfriend to let her know what happened and she's extremely upset as she should be...  Suppose to go back to work Monday,  (if I don't quit these she WILL leave me)  and figure this out after putting my mind back in the same damn position that got me here.  And I'm not sure why I just can't put them down,  I really don't know it's confusing how someone can seriously lose so much,  still lose,  and continue to do it,  I wonder why I can't make it right.  It's really taking a toll on my brain and it's a stressful life so why not just put them down and walk away I have no idea.  I'm really freaking pissed that this happened,  all that confidence i had built up  is destroyed , I could possibly be going to my mom's tonight if my girlfriend doesn't want me here which why should she!  I spend my check and hers on these and she could prolly so so much better without me but instead she continues to think I'm going to change when all I do is let her do again and again and again.. .  And again..  This time I really let myself down too.  I've got a lot of things to figure out please keep praying for me if u could thank u all and I'm real sorry. .

[helplessangel]

Tapering is HARD! I did it with subs but was never able to with pain pills. I really liked the advice that you've got a day under your belt, now go for 2.

I don't have kids but if I could go back in time to when I was 20 and tell myself to just stop, deal with the w/ds, be clean...i could have saved a lot of pain. I'm sure we all can say that! Before you know it, you're wondering where the heck the last xx years went. When you get older, those things matter. I can tell that matters to you with your gf and kiddos. Do it now, you can succeed! I will pray for strength for you. I wish you all good things! Stay strong!

[TikkiTT]

Hang in there, Chris.    Probably best to not taper.    When you have pills around, it is too easy to  say, "Oh, I will just take one to get me a little relief" and the next thing you know, you are right back where you started.    You can do this, and remember just about everyone here has walked a mile (or two or ten or more) in your shoes.    I did it cold turkey the first time, after being on them for about five years, and I am an old lady.   You can do it.   I know you can!!

[Cjwillingham94]

No,  I don't,  I can get some just can't because I know this is what I need to do,  I've got to make this work,  I've tried slowing down but It just doesn't or hadn't worked,  I'd like to do this just straight up right now so If there Is truly light at the end of the tunnel I want to see it now,  I know my real weakness an it's the pills,  the physical withdraws such right now but I feel like it's the only way because  if I had pills on me,  I wouldn't be able to space them out or control them whatsoever so just trying to be a man about it I guess,  it does suck though,  when I would try to lower my doses I would still just find myself highly dependent on and , and that's what I really want to stop

[BenTherDunDat]

Do you have pills remaining?  Why not taper?

[Cjwillingham94]

Thank you so much! I'm just kinda sitting at home I really don't know how to take my mind of it seems like no matter what I do I wonder what next,  it's very upsetting but very  bittersweet,  I know I need this,  but damn i can't help feeling like I got to have these!  I truly hope it passes with time because it just doesn't feel right,  I feel like I need the pills right now and everything will be OK for another 4 hours..  But i Can't fail any more because every time I try and quit it causes such a big deal between me and my gf that we will even break up and I just go overboard with them,  so I'm doing everything I can not to slip while she's at work!  One minute I have confidence and the next I feel b hopeless !  And Its so terrible and I just want to know that things are going to be OK but at this very second I'm not so sure sorry for the rants just trying to hold it together thank thank  you for the post and support!!

[PinkStars07]

Vent!  Let it out!  Cry!  It will help you!  I'm on day 11.  I never thought I'd get this far.  You can do it.  We are here to support you!