I F****ed it up for sure

NautyOne, Avisg, Ga Guy, r2r, FLaddict, Newhope....ANYONE- (if anyone is out there PLEASE write me back) It's about half past midnight here. I'm about to crack.This is my story....
I found my bottle where Honey keeps it hidden and blew the taper. Took 3 (10/325) Vics and flushed the rest except 1.5 pills. The taper is killing me. All I think about is the pills. I can't take it anymore. So tomorrow will officially be day one of CT. I've tapered a bit but I think I am in store for hell. I'm terrified. I can't let these pills rule my life yet some how they are. I am not strong enough to taper anymore. I'm gonna have the creepy crawlies and goodness knows what else for the next ? days. I have to work some this week which is really going to make it worse. I am a Biologist and the grant that keeps me (and 2 others) employed is due and it HAS to get done. So, flaking on work doesn't just screw me but 2 other people so it's really not an option. I wish I could take the whole week off to detox. I am so ashamed of myself I can't even tell my Honey what I've done. I replaced the pills with some convincing look-a-likes so he will have no idea. He doesn't count the pills or anything because he isn't an addict and has no idea how my warped brain works. It's killing me to let him down. It's killing me to be such a F**k up. I am terrified of the WD's. Maybe they won't be so bad?
Someone....anyone.....please. Just a kind word. I feel so alone.
Greebo

[b10nary]

Hi, your not alone, I'm in the same boat got 2 lorcets left because i decided not to take them and after that no meds for a week and i have stuff to do also so I completely know what your going through, I tried to quit last week it was so hard for me but turned out i had a bad infection while i was withdrawing and on day 4 i took something and noticed i was burning up, took my temp and i was running 103.7, went to the er and they said they couldnt find the infection which was weird just come back if i puke or fever gets worse and they sent me out with levaquin & T3's and i'm completely scared to go through the hell again but i have too looks like, I will pray for you!

[Greatgreebo]

Thanks for your post. I appreciate it more than you know. It's wierd how I feel relieved that I'm not alone in this hell yet I'm sad that someone else is in hell with me. Hopefully you have your infection under control. Keep an eye on that. We don't need you getting uber sick on us!!
Hold on and here we go..........:-)
greebo

[alexandra fox]

hello there - i am not sure of your whole story, but i can most definitely offer a kind word and hold out a hand to help you hold on - As i understand from above, you have been tapering, which for me is an achievement akin to climbing mount everest or flying to the moon LOL i am such a weakling that i can't even manage one day of that. So the fact that you have done it, and have flushed your other pills rather than have a bigger bust, suggests to me that you are determined and committed - and just going through a wobly bit.

And this wobbly bit (i assume) has precipitated your ct so that it will be tomorrow rather than a previously specified date? It will suck working and detoxing but it is doable mate, especially with the support of your honey. Its hard trying to encourage not knowing more of your details - maybe i will just say that i too am in the "f ucked up" boat, on day 4 of a relapse, and i don't wish that on anyone. I seem to have lost the reasons why i wanted to get clean - so that is what i wish to pass on to you - reconnect again with why you are doing all this - remind yourself of all the reasons for doing the hard miles - and recommit in your head.

Hang in there, keep posting, and stay strong...
alex

[Greatgreebo]

Thank you. Yep-been doing a taper for about 10-12 days and was down to about 4-5 pills a day. My whole day, every f**king day was consumed by thoughts of those stupid pills.So-took a few and flushed the rest. I think what made me crack was the constant obsessing about them. I would rather have them gone at this point and just get this over with. Part of me is thinking 'WTF!?!--why did you do this' and the other part is thinking 'right on!! let's get this over with'.  So I'm ct-ing before my official taper end date.
As for your relapse: FIND the reasons why you want to be clean. Things do get wonky on occassion but dig deep past that **** and find youself. I can do it and so can you. Are ya' interested in going cold turkey with me my friend? Post and let me know. We can compare horror stories :-)
I hate being in th f**cked up boat, but I got to admit the company is very much to my liking!
Let me know about going CT with me,
Greebs

[Greatgreebo]

I'm gonna hit the hay and enjoy my last night of sleep. I'll check the post tomorrow Alex and see if ya are interested in CT-ing with me :-)
Later Taters,
Greebs

[alexandra fox]

My "plan" was to CT as of Thursday morning, so at this end that would be in 48 hours or so, so you will be one day ahead.

???? Actually, wtf am I saying? Here you (and the universe) are offering me a nudge, a fellow traveller on this road, and my addiction is saying to use for another two days. My god, the craziness of this insanity!

Thank you, and yes please - lets be buddies - I went through the inital detox two weeks ago and was at day 10 when i busted, althought i hadn't come good by any means and i have given the pills a really good go, so i expect that i will be in wd again. I will post again in my morning - its now 9.30pm where i am.

Thank you mate - thank you, and sweet dreams.

[allaboutmary]

You flushed the rest , thats a good thing.  Tapering to me was like cutting my arm off an inch at a time.  Sorry you have to work this week.  Thats gonna be pretty tuff, but many have done it.  Maybe you could go in for half days.  Your coworkers will notice that you are sick and probably think you are amazing for showing up at all. I wouldn't doubt if they send you home. People now-a-days are so afraid of catching the flu. Just remember that after the detox, energy comes back very gradually. Then the cravings will come so be prepared. I hope this doesn't sound like a negative post, because all this is sooo worth it.  Hang in there and keep us posted.    Mary

[grievingwidow]

Hey there, wanted to just offer you some encouragement and my opinion for what it is worth:  as far as your withdrawals, I don't think you will suffer like those of us who have been on stronger meds and for longer periods of time, like Percocet, Oxycontin, Morphine, etc.  You have only taken hydrocodone, correct?  Plus, you have been tapering.  I think you are currently in the best position possible as far as withdrawal symptoms will go - it will not be a picnic and you will feel bad, there is no doubt, but hopefully you will not be in AGONY.  I truly don't think it will be too bad, you will be able to make it.  I will be thinking of you - please keep us informed.

Love, Cindy

[MICHAEL_777]

You WILL both be fine.  CT is probably the best way to go about quiting anything.  In my case, the withdrawals have helped me to stay clean.  I quit a 25-30 hydrocodone with 10-12 Loricet a day addiction CT.  The first 4 days hurt like hell, but those days that I dreaded when I was going through them have helped me to turn down people offering me pain meds on two seperate occasions.

Use the Thomas Recipe along with hot showers or baths.  I wasn't aware of the Thomas Recipe when I started, but the hot showers, baths and saunas did provide some relief.  

****Obtain and USE the Immodium AD****  Also, a large pack of the softest toilet paper you can find.

Also, take cold/flu medication the help combat the flu like symptoms.  Theraflu makes has the day and nightime medicine in one pack.

You both will also be in my prayers.  Trust me, what you're doing is worth it.  I'm going on day 10 and everything today is amazing.  My pain tolerance has risen considerably, the panic attacks are over, my energy level has doubled, and I can see the life I want to live within my reach for the first time in over 10 years.

Love and Strength to you both!

[MICHAEL_777]

Note:  Never quit Benzo's cold turkey.  I just read my post and saw what I wrote.  Also, consult a physician before quiting medications.  They may also be able to offer new methods to help with withdrawals.

[RCSLADY2]

I quit vicodin and percocet in July and went cold turkey for 6 days and then I went to the doctor and got on the Suboxone program.  I recommend it for anyone who can afford it.  It is expensive but not as expensive to me in the long run.  Because of my long and extensive relapse record the Doctor is weaning me from it slowly and it is working.  The withdrawals suck but they do go away.

[road2recovery]

I am so sorry, i really am..I did a somwhat taper , not to great, and just did it..The difference was i didn't have to work and the w/d's were just lingering....I will tell you it is worth it in the end, at almost 3 months i feel like myself., in every way...I was taking 15 hydro's 10's a day..

What if someone came down with the flu, they would not be able to work right? well this is a little worst then the flu....SO i know you say you can't take off...BUT to be honest there was no way i could work...
I am praying for you, please post and let us know.
Get you some advil gel caps regular and the PM---I found those worked the best..
we are here for you
r2r

[Jennifermarielib]

Same thing happened to me a week ago. Found a bottle , took some and flushed the rest. I also didn't have it in me to tell my husband. It would devastate him as much as it did me.  I did go back into withdrawal and am still feeling it today, but not as bad. I hope it doesn't take you back to square one with the w/d. Take care,  Jen

[Greatgreebo]

THANK YOU for your support. I'''m up and at work (9:30 am). I got some good sleep last night....guess I can kiss that goodbye for a while. Today is DAY 1 of CT. It looks like me and alexandra fox are gonna go it together. allaboutmary:The taper was like cutting my arm off 1 inch at a time! r2r: as per usual, thank you for being there. grievingwidow: I'm hoping you are right and it won't be as bad as it COULD have been had I continued taking this ****. MICHAEL777: Thank you for the advice-I (we) will be following it! RCSLADY2: Thanks for the information. I'm thinking CT right now, but if it doesn't work out I may look into a sub doctor. Jennifermarie: Come on in and enjoy the ride, I'm sure that together we can all do this!
Seriously you guys-I couldn't do this without you. This place is becoming my family. I may show My Honey the posts tonight. He is worried about me doing this alone. I want to show him that I'm not!!!
I'll post throughtout the day. By 11 a.m. I'm sure the creepy crawlies will start to visit. They always show up early for the party.
Okay....here we go
Greebo

[CarrieMe]

You can do this! You have gone off of it before, we all have weak moments... I'm sending you an e-mail...

[Greatgreebo]

love you babe!!!

[GA Guy]

My friend, we have all been there. Going cold turkey will be rough, but it will get you through the hell much quicker. You've learned from experience why tapers are so difficult. Have you read the information on my profile page? If not, click on the blue Ga Guy link to the left of this post. It will suggest some things for the withdrawals. Can you get access to clonidine? It's by far the best thing for withdrawals..Let me know if I can be of help..God bless..

[avisg]

there is a post for you down farther..... we were very worried about ya..
avis

[troubleinohio]

add me to the re-starting CT boat! Im right there with you on day 1 today. so far dont notice too much but I probably still have some in my system. I dread tonight and tomorrow and the coming days again.  

[Greatgreebo]

You are singing my song. I am DREADING tonight and tomorrow. Still feeling okay right now. I've told a few people how I'm feeling about the withdrawals that are out there, somewhere...I'll share it with you.
It's like being given a tsunami warning while you are on an island with no way to get off. All I can do is sit on the beach and stare at the horizon, waiting for it to come and wash over me.
Keep in touch. So far we have alexandra fox, newhope in the same boat (day one) come on in and enjoy the ride with us! The more the merrier.
Gotta laugh about this-not much else to do right now
Greebs