I HATE tonight :(

I finall felt like I was having a good day today.. I felt at peace started cleaning my house..NO cravings what so ever.. and what do you freakin know.. I get THE CALL! of course I deleted all the numbers I knew better this is the first time in 2 weeks anyone has tried to call me.. so then even after all THE HELL these past two weeks have been like I cant believe I keep trying to tell myself it will be fine b/c he has them sooo cheap! and my husband just made 1,000 extra cash job so I wouldnt even notice the money gone.. this is the devil trying to defeat me... I dont know what to do i want those freakin 30's so bad but I know I REALLY DONT.. I dont think Im gonna cave in but now Im like an emotional freakin idiot crying.. really crying? like a litttle brat that cant have her fix.. i HATE this..I feel like my mind is wigging out with that little devil on one shoulder and angel on another..THIS SUCKKKKKKKKKS

[IwillDoThis]

Be strong.  Just remember what detoxing felt like for you and how you'll have to go through it all over again.  I'm in the middle of it and so let me remind you of the sweats, the ringing in the ears, getting sick- don't do it.  Think how much fun a couple nights away would be rather than blowing the $$ on pills.  Hang in there and don't cave!  You can do it.

[bmdad]

You have been doing an amazing job so far. Continue to stay focused. The craving will pass. Do something to take your mind off of that call. The temptation will always be there. Sometimes that temptation will be stronger than others so we have to figure out what will get us through it. Go for a walk, call your friend who you confided in the other day, read a book, do something other than think about that call. You know you can't stay on the pills forever so do not let these past few weeks go to waste.

Continue pushing forward. This craving will pass.

You've got this!





Brian

[aim1023]

Thanks guys Im sitting here crying like an idiot.. I think Im gonna go put the baby to bed , and go take a drive or something .. I have to get out this house!! I feel like Im going cukoo all of a sudden! I got this I know i do.. I know this is somehow gonna find me I have to figure out how Im going to handle it now when it comes up.. did I mention THIS SUCKKSS! :( I refuse to put that crap in my body and start over again.. I just think about that freakin snort it is disgusting!! Im not craving the feeling I think its just the action of it.. and once it gets in my head i start freakin out.. i really didnt want to change my number due to business issues but I guess I might have too.. this anxiety is so freakin tough!

[ImDONENoMore]

Definitely change your number.  You're going to find you'll have to begin to make all kinds of changes, but start small.  Get a new no. so these people can never reach you again.

Oh and not sure if a drive is the right thing to do right now?  You might get tempted to drive someplace and pick up - and you don't want to put yourself in an even more vulnerable position.  I think bmdad was on the right track - pick up the phone and talk this out with someone.  I remember I had stopped talking to everyone because the pills became my solace for every bad thing that was happening to me.  But I promise you finding a close friend, someone who cares about you and wants to see you well, feels a hell of a lot better than the drugs.  And the good feeling it brings lasts a lifetime, not a few hours like the pills do.  Just something to think about.

And good for you for posting this - not sure if you realize this, but it's a sign that you really do want to get well and that you DON'T want to use and that you are truly ready for change.  So don't forget to pay attention to those changes in your reactions to stress.  It's a good sign.  :)

[IwillDoThis]

I agree with ImDONE change your number and I think you posting that you were going to go for drive might have been a slight call for help - can you be positive that you won't end up where you know you don't want to go?  I don't think you should go anywhere, work through the feeling of wanting to scream and STAY HOME or go out somewhere with someone trusted if you really need to get out.  

[bama88]

I can relate!! I too had extra money..but i wouldnt give it to my dealer. I bought some.male up..some.clothing..take some.extra money and biy yourself.somerhing.tangible...youll see what i mean. Plus it.will take your mind off.drugs

[texaslady68]

Just a word of advice, tell that devil on your shoulder and in your brain to "Fu*k off! Listen to you head and not your addiction.  You can do this.

[bella561]

38 days clean but Two weeks into my being clean, I got the call.... And I know exactly what u r going through right now. Luckily I didn't cave in but it definetly was not easy... But let me tell u that by me not caving in it made me feel so much stronger and so much better about myself and being clean. Now I feel  I can handle it better if the situation arises again. You can do this , stay strong and the feeling of accomplishment will keep u on ur path!!! We r all here for u!! Good luck!!!

[kyle505]

I am 31 days clean, BUT, I can't truthfully say what I'd do if I found myself in your situation. I'd like to think that I'd ignore the call, etc., but I really don't know. I DO know that I'm weak when it comes to pills (I have over ten years of abusing to support that statement), so during my detox I called every possible med source, and put up some pretty solid roadblocks, just in case. You showed a lot of spine posting on this site instead of just jumping in the car and picking up the meds. So, try to find that strength again, and stay home. No car rides. Post a lot on this site; see if you can type War and Peace - something to keep you busy. We'll be here.

[ImDONENoMore]

It's been a couple hours since your post aim - hope you're okay?

[rnangel]

I can't allow myself access to my money. I work and earn a good living and my hubby takes the reigns, or rather I have given them to him. This was a major factor in me maintaining sobriety. I don't know when I will be ready to take financial responsibility back. At least I know I will have a couple vacations this year and see our mortgage paid off. Is there anyone else out there that has had to make different arrangement with thier money for the sake of sobriety?

[zoea]

Hi aim.
Coz of time difference i just got message. How did u do. Whatever the outcome today is a new day. I wish i could be notified when a notice or message comes through. (or is there). U will be doing good. Keep posting my lovely x

[GeorgiaJLY]

Thanks for your honesty.  I know for me that has been the hard thing.  You tell yourself all kinds of crap.  I'm only on day 5 so I know I can't trust myself.  I'm glad I can read these post and don't feel alone with this sickness anymore.  It's like a fight against good and evil.  Who knew that evil could take such precedences over our lives and it could be this out of control.  I guess finally admitting out loud even if only on this post and to myself is a big deal.  Let us know how you ended up handling this.  I wish you the best of luck.
Georgia

[almostfree]

i have had 6 or 7 calls in the last 32 days and haven't answered one , you can do it . i know how hard it is ! please let us know ...

[snakejones]

How's it going? I think you should put the amount of money away that you would've bought drugs with into a special account each time you get into a real cliffhanger situation and you don't cave. In six months, take a good look at that money and think about what it represents, all the triumph as well as pain. Then spend it on something (no, not a boatload of drugs!) that a "normal" person/family would choose---a nice little getaway, a new TV--good Lord, some of us would have enough to buy a car!
Oh, well, just a thought.....I wish you all the best. Kick that dealer to the curb!

[zoea]

Aim not heard all day. All ok. X

[lulu747]

Checking in Aim....How are you?  Please let us know...We're all here to support you...
Lu

[almostfree]

it's been awhile since you posted aim just wondering how your doing ? please let us know !