I am Doing the Best that I Can.

[loveandlight05]

I feel so frustrated. It feels like I am not wanted anywhere as far as aftercare and recovery is concerned. I feel like an *** for texting that woman from AA and laying out all of my feelings to not get a response at all. So I feel too embarrassed to return to those meetings. Then I got a message this morning about how I shouldn't comment a certain way because it might make people leave the forum or has made someone leave the forum. I did not view what I said that way at all. I would never discourage someone from being here. I guess my comment is being read differently than how I intended it.

I know people are trying to help by telling me how to comment or what to do in recovery, but I just feel like my hand is being slapped every time I try to turn the doorknob on the door to recovery. Everywhere I turn, it's like I don't fit in or I am not doing it right. I haven't been to a meeting lately, and I haven't posted here is a few days. I am really starting to think that recovery is like a clique, and I am the awkward girl who nobody wants to sit with.

Please know that it is not my intent to make anyone feel bad for having their opinions about how I post, nor is it my intention to have a public discussion with anyone about my comments or private messages. I just really need to speak my peace. That is how I work. I need to say it, or it will get all bottled up, and I will walk away from this forum and every other thing recovery related that I link to these negative emotions.

I don't want to leave here. I really don't. But sometimes I feel like we forget that the way it sounds in our head when someone comments or posts may not be the intended meaning of the commentator or poster. It also may be that the way you read the post is not the way everyone else read it. The internet is tricky like that.

Please please please know that I do not wish to publicly have a conversation about anything that was sent in PM. That is not my intent. I just really need to talk this out. I am not angry or trying to shame anyone. I just want to speak from my heart.

[lulu747]

Hey Love-
I think within us group of addicts there are many, many people pleasers and perfectionists.  I used to obsess over every interaction, every glance, every tone of voice.  I got my feelings hurt...A LOT.  But there was something about going through detox and the recovery that followed that taught me that IT ISN'T ALWAYS ABOUT ME...In fact, 9 times out of 10, other people are not thinking about you...They are thinking about themselves.  We are all mirrors for one another connected by the human experience.  I've learned a lot about compassion in my recovery.  Especially about having compassion for myself.  I used to have none, zilch, zero.  I'd beat the crap out of myself for the littlest mistake.
It's not that I NEVER do that anymore.  When I am rundown, stressed, or hormonal I can still get super sensitive and down on myself.  But it is a HUGE improvement over the self deprecation and self flagellation that I used to engage in.
That was why I told Weaver that what I said was a joke.  I do know that the last thing I am is shallow or inarticulate- but we compare ourselves to others so often.  It is something that we must stop.

You see my dear, there is only ONE you.  You are a beautiful human and entirely unique.  It is high time in your life that you stop striving to make others happy and proud, and find out what makes YOU feel happy and proud.  And f*ck everybody else.  For real.  
The first thing you need to do is stop that negative self talk.  Stop telling yourself that you are a loser, and awkward, and unpopular.  The only one that believes that is you.  Our self talk is SO important to who we are and who we become.  Every time you catch yourself giving yourself sh*t or beating yourself up- STOP- and change that sentence into something positive.
It is a habit that you need to break.  And that habit is a direct connect to your using.  The more you break that habit, the less you will want to use.  This was something I learned in SMART recovery, and remains one of the most powerful tools in my arsenal or bag of tricks (as I like to call it)
You may feel awkward for awhile....I know I did.  But the more you forge ahead and fake it till you make it, the more you will evolve.  Soon you will really inhabit yourself, your authentic self...And you will see how truly wonderful and beautiful you are.  I promise.
Love
Lu

[loveandlight05]

I just logged on and read the last five or six posts. With each one, I wanted to scream at my computer, "Yes, THEY GET ME!" Each one of you just helped me so much. Yes, I used to buffer myself from the harsh world and the criticism of others. I have always been a pleaser. If I don't do exactly the right thing, I come unglued. Why am I like that?

Being so sensitive makes everything a trigger. Everything. It is so annoying. I want to grow a thick skin. I really do. You can't imagine the amount of times I have been told how ridiculous I am being and to grow a thicker skin. I have tried so many times to be tougher, but it never happens. I am the most sensitive person ever, and it is annoying.

What others can easily slough off can be huge to me. Most people would not get upset if they were docked five points on an evaluation at work because the principal didn't come in when they were using technology. Me, I cry about it. I obsess over it. I want to redo the evaluation.

I have been taught since I was little that you please others. You are subservient and you need to kiss your bosses ***. I have never thought of myself as an equal to other adults. I feel like I am still a kid, and everyone can tell me what to do. And I better say yes ma'am or sir or I will get fired. I was taught that you change your personality for others. If your boss asks you for drinks and you don't drink, you drink now. You go anyway. That is how my family taught me to be. Do what you are told. Period.

I keep trying to break away from that. I keep trying to tell myself that I matter, and I should just be me, but me is annoying. Me is awkward. Me is not good enough. Me is pretty much a loser. I am still the unpopular kid.  

[vicki595]

Okay. I understand now. The point was made that perhaps your using was to help you feel more comfortable in your own skin. Now you don't have that cushion and your stripped bare. That's difficult but, as everyone will tell you, you have to push through. It's not unusual at all to feel ganged up on during daily life. We all feel like the gods are against us at times. It's how we handle it. In time, you won't obsess about these things but in the meantime just don't give up. There are good days ahead.

You've got a lot hanging over you right now. The legal troubles are a huge stress so you're not well prepared to deal with much else and it's understandable.

The forum can be therapeutic and it can be detrimental. We come here in such a vulnerable and sensitive condition that it can sometimes bite us. Try not to take anything that's said or that occurs at a meeting too personally. Remember that we're all sick! lol. That sounds funny...but you know what I mean. We're all on a continuum of self actualization and are yet to reach our goals. Some are close and getting better and stronger and some are stuck somewhere on that continuum.  

This is one of the reasons I think a therapist, life coach, person we trust, is so important. We need a one on one to keep us in check and to discuss issues like what you're experiencing today.  

I think, if you're asking, that you are doing amazing. You work everyday, you're newly sober, you have two babies to rear, you have a non husband, on and on. Yet everyday you push through. You just amaze me. You're stronger than you realize...and I wish you could dump that guy!!  Had to say it...he's going to bring you down.

Anyway, chin up!

[dominosarah]

I dont care how anyone writes or the grammar they use, what is important here is that you are very much wanted on this forum and you DO fit in with us.  This is your safe place to vent and talk about what is bothering you.  We are not responsible for other peoples actions.  

[VICourageous]

Well I have to admit that I am horrible when it come to writing. I do not know where the punctuation go half the time and so on..SO you can PM me anytime. I have been on here for awhile now and I learned a lot from this site. To me it is like going to school again.
I am the type of person that can not read between the lines either..BUT I just keep on going and pick up what I can and leave the rest.
As far as the meetings go, I remember back in 2012 when I was going to both AA/NA 7 days a week..I kind of felt like you and was a bit uncomfortable on what was right to say and what was wrong..Well there is no right or wrong. Once I just came out of my head I new I had to speak or say whatever I wanted to..It is MY recovery and not theirs. Many people will say to do this or do that and do not do this or that..As times goes by you will know that anything you need to say for YOU & only YOU toward your Recovery is OK. I do not know anything about the PMs because I do not have to much time for those these days, but just take what you like and leave the rest..YOU will be fine in time. Hang in tight!!
Bless

[weaver71]

Lulu, inarticulate and shallow are not words I would ever use to describe you or your vast knowledge. I am a piece of trash, I proved it, but WE are pretty awesome, aren't WE? I'd be dead and wordless, without US.

It takes all colors to make a rainbow!

[lulu747]

I can't really add much because Weaver nailed as usual...Way to go Buddy always making the rest of us look inarticulate and shallow in comparison (:

That was a joke.  

Seriously though Love.  Just do you, ya know?  Don't let anyone or anything get in the way of your healing.  You are a raw nerve right now.  I've been there and so I know.  Everyone has their own opinion and on here it can get quite heated at times.  I don't always agree with this, but I respect everyone's opinion as long as they are being respectful.
Take what you need and leave the rest behind.  Letting yourself walk away from recovery tools because of hurt feelings is not going to help you, it will only hinder you.  And just because one AA meeting is not working for you does not mean you won't find a meeting that will.  It's easy to be negative in the early days, it is harder and braver to keep forging ahead, being humble and continuing to ask for help.  You are no doubt feeling awkward in your new clean skin right now...This will pass.  The longer you inhabit this new you, the more comfortable you will feel in her, and the more love you will have for yourself.  So much so that you will not care so much what others think of you....Only what you think of yourself.
This is my experience.

Oh and- I'll sit with you.

Love
Lu

[motye51]

There are alot of comments on here and i wasnt able to read all of them but i wanted to say something. I think 9 out of 10 people that are regulars on this site have said something to make someone else uncomfortable. We've all had posts taken down or been scolded. Look at it as a right of passage....it means your questioning things...and i believe thats how we grow. Thats where we learn about our disease! I read that you've been to AA...and thats great...but i find, in the area i live in, AA and NA have very different ideas. The people in my local AA are NOT very friendly to drug addicts...which again ALCOHOL IS A DRUG....but the stigma that comes with a drug addict label is to much for them. This is why i feel soooooo at home in NA. My local group of NA members couldnt be more awesome, or from more different walks of life.
The other idea i was kicking around after reading your post was.. .maybe its more an uncomfortable feeling your putting off? When i first went, actually the first couple of weeks, a friend reminded me of something i said under my breath, that i thought no one heard. I said, " if one more person tries to hug me im going to punch them in the face!"...we laugh about it now, but in the beginning, it was definatly a vibe i was feeling, not them? I hope that makes sense.
And when in doubt, remember, u r looking to make u better....u do what is necessary to make u better and screw the rest!

[weaver71]

I do get it, and I also get that I had to notice the feelings and learn new ways to cope. Until I had the feelings, off of drugs, I couldn't really find new ways to deal. I have to admit, I was pretty down on myself, full of regret, resentment, and anger too. In reality, my situation hadn't changed much, I was the thing changing and I was not happy about that. I did know I needed to change, the old me got himself hooked on drugs, for lots of reasons. Each time those reasons pop up, and they still do, I have to think of it as an opportunity, not a distraction or obstacle.

Now, that being said, it appears to me, one of the reasons you possibly used was to feel accepted and to handle criticism. No judgment nor diagnosis, just bearing witness. I see what you are going through as an opportunity to find new ways to deal with criticism, writing here is an awesome start. I found I had to accept my past and not try to fix it. I have had to focus on right now. I feel like I can't handle criticism, so how am I going to deal with this now, not even thinking of how I dealt with it in my past. I had to accept that I was experiencing the emotional detox. I would think, "I'm not ready to deal with this." But then, I realized, that is the only way I am going to learn to accept myself and how people react to me. I had to accept that I will never be ready, like having children. We can read and plan, we can get advice and see examples of raising a child, but we only are ready after we have them. No preparation is adequate to have all the provisions we need on hand. We have to gain the tools and skills as we go.

I hate that I had to detox, but that was the only way to have peace. I hated being criticized, judged for my past, feeling all my resentment toward corruption and injustice, but I wasn't able to deal with those feelings, until I had them. I felt very little on opiates, slowly I am making new memories of me overcoming more and more emotional challenges. Being bipolar has really thrown a wrench in the emotional detox, it's hard to tell where addiction ends and bipolar begins. I have had to overcome psychosis and some really uncomfortable states of mind and mood. I wish I didn't have to, but each victory is bringing a strong resolve and constructive life.

It's like I was dreaming for many years and woke up older. I have to go through all the stages of life I missed. I felt like a rebellious, victimized teen for awhile. I'm not proud I cussed out God and told Him to kill me or set my mind free, but I can accept it. I do know I am much stronger than I thought I was though.  As i live through these intense situations and states of mind, I have less fear and am less sensitive to my situations and thoughts. Obsessive thinking is a pretty bipolar norm, so I have had to obsess on what I am for, rather than what I am against.  I have had to develop constructive and problem solving rather the destructive and hopeless ways of thinking. So, I can't stop obsessing, but  can channel what I obsess on. I am trying to obsess on solutions.

I am just writing freely, without thinking much. I hope some of my story applies. You are doing awesome, thanks for sharing these feelings.

[loveandlight05]

I'm sorry your didn't understand. I am just trying to get my feelings out, and I am sure it comes across as confusing. It isn't about just the PM. It is about my feelings in general about criticism at this point in my recovery. I feel like it is really hard right now to take in criticism and be ok with it. I do need to take things with a grain of salt, but I feel like being so new in my recovery is blocking me from doing that. Every time I feel like I have done something wrong, I obsess about it right now. I did not used to do that when I was using. So the slightest bit of criticism seems to send me spinning.

All I know is that my emotions are all totally out of whack. I feel like crying a lot. I was sent a PM about one of my comments on another poster's post. The PM was not malicious at all. As a matter of fact, I really like the poster who sent me the PM and value their advice. The issue is with me. For some reason, the Pm really, really hurt my feelings.

I think it hurt me because I feel like I am not doing anything right lately. I feel like the AA people don't like me. I feel like everyone in my family doesn't like me. And this is my safe place. Now, I feel like I have done something wrong here, too. I can't imagine I am the only newly clean person here who has had these emotions, so I feel like it is important to talk about this and shed some light on why we feel this way being newly clean and what we can do to not make people feel this way.


Weaver gets it. 100% he gets it.

[vicki595]

What the heck are you talking about? lol.  I read through this thing and got a headache trying to figure it out!

Did something JUST happen? Was it a while ago? What??  Geez!

It's all too vague for me but, as always, I wish you the best and will just advise you to take everything around here with a little grain of salt...

[weaver71]

oops, I meant, past indicative, i think, not progressive. Dang, I better brush up on my grammar again. My vocabulary is pretty good, but I am definitely lacking in grammar and punctuation. I need to work on not using run ons and the wrong tense. Thanks for reminding me of one of my shortcomings, not joking about that. I am homeschooling history and science now, so I better brush up on my grammar.

[loveandlight05]

Gnarly, I am not being harassed or anything of that nature. It was merely constructive criticism. I am just not ready to hear that yet, and I believe that others would feel the same being newly in recovery. I want us to stop and think about it before we offer criticism of each other. I want us to realize that the way you read what is written as a comment is not necessarily the way the writer intended you to perceive it.

[weaver71]

It's a deal! By the way, you used the past tense sent, when you meant the past progressive, 'was to send,' in your second paragraph. I'm just joking around, just so you know. We all make mistakes, the best we can do is try again next time and try to grown to be better and better. That includes all of us. I hope you don't get so mad you disappear, I am the first to admit I am screwed up. I can't even imagine what some folks must think of my wacky ranting and raving about any and everything. WE can work it out, just don't let the addict mind find reasons to isolate, that is how the drugs want you to be, so you are in a corner without a shield. Keep coming back, keep speaking your mind, we will just have to accept you. I, for one, am glad you are here.

[loveandlight05]

I feel like we are kindred spirits after reading your comment. I feel the exact same way as you with regards to feeling like I don't quite fit or never will fit. I think your advice here is really valuable. I need to learn to be OK with not fitting in and be OK with criticism. However, it is easier said than done in the first part of recovery. When you wrote about how we don't take criticism well, you were describing me. I don't want that to become a barrier for my recovery, so I will take your advice and try to be more open.

However, I do feel that we should lay off criticizing one another, whether it be constructive or not, because we know how it feels to have this disease and to be left so raw and vulnerable after detox. Right now, since I am at the beginning of this and dealing with so many other issues at the same time, I don't have the strength to take the criticism on top of everything else. I know me, and it will break my spirit. I don't want to feel that way. That is why I wanted to talk about this.

[loveandlight05]

I thought of a good analogy. I am an English teacher. While I am certainly not perfect, my understanding of grammar, spelling and punctuation is above average. Sometimes I find myself wanting to correct some usage errors as I am reading through others' posts. That is silly, I know, but when I see whom being used incorrectly or there be used as possessive, I go a little nuts,

However, if I was to sent a PM to posters who don't have the best grammar giving them the corrections they need to make in the nicest manner possible, they would most likely feel irritated and depleted. Even though I had been nice about what I was saying, it would probably make them feel bad. That is how I felt.

I am a firm believer that you should not mention a problem if you don't want to share a possible solution. I suppose my possible solution would be that we don't PM each other and critique the way the post sounds. I think we should read it and take it how we will. If upon reading it, we think the advice is invalid, rude or useless, we leave it alone because I guarantee you that the people on this board can make up their minds as to what is useful and what is not. Let's leave it to them to determine if they don't like the comment.

[weaver71]

We addicts often have all or nothing thinking. We also don't deal real well with criticism, constructive or destructive criticism is hard to swallow at first. I've been warned many times on this forum, almost left for good, but I realized I was punishing myself and those I could help. I also was criticized in AA, for various reasons, not important. It hurt, because my heart was pure and clean, but I have to admit looking back, my mind was not as clear as my heart and intentions. Just like when I scold my child for interrupting, I am not trying make them feel bad or kick them out of the family, I am trying to guide them in the right direction. Recovery is a lot like being a child again, for me it is. I get my hand slapped, I am asked not to say certain things, I am learning who this new me is. All the comments about me doing things wrong is not to oust me, but help me find this new me and how that person can fit into the world.

Now, I have no delusions I will never fit in or think like other people. I am certain that I am judged and picked apart by many. But as I have grown more confident in myself, I take criticism more gracefully, don't always agree, but have learned when a fight is important and when it is not. That has been a long, slow process. You fit in AA, maybe not perfectly, but you do. You fit in here, maybe not perfectly, but you do. It feels like you may be taking things too personally, which is easy in early recovery. Give yourself a a break and give a break to all those trying to guide you as well. We each do the best we can and you may understand their point later, with more recovery time, you never really know. So, for now, keep going to aftercare and take what works for YOU, then leave the rest.

You are a good person with righteous intentions, I can see that by your posts here, but it takes awhile to build friendships and family. If I gave up on my wife, the first time she criticized me, we wouldn't have ever been close enough to actually know each other an vise versa, if she had give up on my upon my first comment of how my could improve herself or should avoid doing something, we would have never TRULY known each other. Hang in there, throw some salt over your shoulder to release the bad JuJu. Then think of how you can progress from here.

[gnarly_1]

Hi   well the first thing you need to know is this disease is trying to kill you and will fight your desire to stay clean and get help as for the comments your getting threw your p/m if it is derogatory or condescending send me a message of who is doing it we dont tolerate attacks on members I cant help if you dont let me know I would still suggest that you go to N/A even if it is a long drive to get there you will need the support for your recovery as it has been said this is a ''we' thing not a ''I'' thing ...your emotions will be all over the place and it is ez to take things wrong we all want to see you make it so keep posting send me a P/M on the people that are harassing you.......................Gnarly................................