I am a bad mom...thus hydrocodone

[Jenn32]

Ever since my children have been born, I have not been able to DEAL with being a mom.  I am not a good mother.  I dont know what to do with them, play with them.  I was not meant to be a mother.  My children are 2 and 3.  They are 11 months apart.  It is hard.  It is hard to wake up and have all this energy and to do things.  I love them I do, but when they cry or scream or are bad....I just cringe and pop a pill.  It makes things so much better to deal with.  I have been on meds since they were born.  I am co-dependent on my mother to take care of them.  I need to go and talk to someone about this.  My children do not know what I am going through but I dont know what to do.  I feel trapped.  Motherhood was never meant for me.  What do I do.

[kittykat58]

...one of the main reasons I'm looking forward to getting my surgery and getting OFF them, is what I meant to say -- hit 'send' too soon!

[kittykat58]

really good posts here...I love how moms rally! (and dads - woo hoo!!)   :)

I was thinking about you last night and remembering a time when my daughter was around 3...I had had gyn surgery and was really stre-e-e-etching out the vicodin (b/c I was liking it so much), so I was taking like 1/2 in the morning and 1/2 in the afternoon, when she took her nap...it was like my little ritual to have a little buzz, I was still sore but could've done w/out it....anyway, my daughter was getting to an age where she really wasn't napping anymore, but I would still put her in her room for an hour of "quiet time", and this one day, after I had taken my "mother's little helper" she kept calling me for this, or that, "I need a drink of water", "my toy is broken", "when can I finish quiet time?", etc etc etc (as they do!)...bear in mind I love my daughter like life itself; she is my absolute favorite little person, but that day when I couldn't have my little hour to myself with my little vic buzz, I stomped over to her door, yanked it open, and screamed in her little startled face, "I can't get anything done in my life, and it's ALL BECAUSE OF YOUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!".

I have never seen such a crushed little look, or fear like that -- she FLINCHED!! I really frightened her, and hurt her feelings. it was at that moment I realized that I was putting the pills before my daughter, and that the pills were pointing me down a road -- and giving me a liltte push in that direction --  of becoming an abusive mom. it was then that I called a friend in the program (AA) and told her I wanted to flush my pills -- she came over and we flushed them together.

that was that (for a few years, at least, until my stupid hip broke down and now I need surgery). but even now, I never forget that look on her face, and whenever I've had my oxy or my perc now, and she needs me, I have to use all my resolve and say "f*ck it" to the buzz and be there for her. I try to time my doses so that she's at school or in bed when I take it, but it's not always possible, and I've had to make the commitment that "yes, I like these pills, and yes I need them (right now), but I am not going to put them or their buzz before my family. I have to be there, even if I don't feel like 'being there'". it's one of the main reasons I'm looking forward to getting

I love worried878's description - classic!! and bluemann33 is right -- God is bigger than all of this, and can empower you and comfort you and council you like no other -- turn to Him, lean on Him, USE Him for strength and comfort to do what you need to do!!

good luck to you. it really does get easier! a friend of mine described parenthood as such: "it goes by like THAT (snap your fingers), and the days last forever". I think that's the most accurate description of parenthood I ever heard. it only FEELS like it will go one forever -- but believe me, it won't.

[malenurse57]

Everybody pretty much said it. The fact that you are concerned shows that you care and I did notice that you stated that you love them so the bad mom idea is shot down. Now the hard part is to find out why you feel like you do. See your OB/Gyn or your family practitioner call a substance abuse help center talk to your pastor if you have one, keep posting here but for all concerned seek help as hard as or harder than you would seek pills if you were out. Good luck and God bless.

[bluemann33]

You asking for help already makes you a better mother than half of mothers. Alot of mothers who feel like you do never worry about the feelings you are feeling. I know this may sound repe. but what changed me when i was depressed was GOD. He (or she) who cries out to the lord with all of thier heart he will not turn his back on you. Trust me changed my life around immediatly. Not saying you still wont have tough times but you wont go through them alone.

[troubleinohio]

oh honey my heart breaks for you reading this... i agree with the others, it sounds like you have major post partum depression along with other issues (WD/addiction) etc, and you need to get on a correct medicine for this. I have two little ones also, 2 boys, age 5 and 3. I know how demanding kids can be and how much stress they can put on you when youre not well. Ok..i didnt word that right....of course kids cause stress no matter what, but when youre not well it makes it very hard to cope with. lol.

I love my kids more than anything in the entire world and would do anything for them, and I enjoy every moment with them so much. I freak out all the time when i realize how big they are getting, how fast they are growing and that they wont be little for long. I hope and pray that you will get well soon so you dont miss out on all the precious moments, before these days are gone. Your depression is ROBBING YOU of some of the most wonderful years of your life and their lives.

Please go back to one of your dr's and try to find a correct medicine, and also counseling/therapy to get to your root problems, and to learn coping techniques. I want so bad for you to be able to enjoy your children!!  {{{HUGS}}}}

[worried878]

I agree...the fact that u r worried and addressing this means u care!  The pills can take away the feeling of enjoying the simple things in life...maybe if u let the pills go u can find the true meaning in life    the important things,,,the pills do cloud ur happiness....when u quit u can stop and smell the roses...it is amazing how u can see how important things are and get your priorities in order,,,,kids grow up and are gone before u know it...they are so precious and one day you look back and the house is so quiet and empty  evrything is in the place u left it when u come home at night...not all disrupted and strewn around...no teenagers asleep on the floor with orange/green hair and music that grates ur nerves playing in the background...but u miss it anyway

[road2recovery]

VERY GOOD POST!!  WOW coming from a man, j/j...my hubby always says i dont' know how you do this....And if u ever leave me, i am coming with you....LOL
r2r

[kim715]

Gators post reminded me of this song,music was a huge inspiration for me while I was detoxing.The song is called Then They Do by Trace Atkins give it a listen maybe it will help to inspire you as well.Hang in there hun,we're all pulling for you. Peace.

[avisg]

I had what was called postpartum psychosis .Its like postpartum depression magnified.
I needed medication and lithium was one of them. (however remember everyone is different ,your doctor knows your history. It was a very scary time for me ,I had tried for 2 years to get pregnant and tried everything to have him surgery and infertility drugs finally I got pregnant .So here was this baby i wanted so badly and I felt so disconnected and scared. I didn't want to be alone with him . It went on for a long time because at first i was ashamed to tell anyone . I finally did and with therapy and meds .I got better .Now I have a wonderful relationship with my son I adore him. it does get better :) You will too!!

[gator145]

Hi Jen,

This is Gator, I was going through a stressful time when my two boys were younger......Although, if you haven't guessed I didn't have PPD........ LOL..... My wife was working days..................... I worked nights, would get home about 6:00 AM.......... I'd sleep till the boys  got up, usually by 10:00AM. .............Then I would take them outside for a walk or a ride................Come home make them lunch............ Then I would let them play till they took a nap................ That way I got a nap before it was time to do it all over again.............. It got very repetative............... I was always tired............ And you know I thought I was a less than a good DAD because of that.........As time went by they got older............... Now, I would "trade all my tomorrows, for one single yesterday". ......... Just to be able to do that one more time I really would....... As stressful as those days were.................
I have nothing but admiration for MOMS...........How the heck do you girls do it day after day...............

You may want to think about the day you don't have "Mothers little helper" (the pill) to help you on your way............Those children may need you and you want to be at your best mentally.......... Try reading to the youngsters....... Children love to be read to............. And the benefits are so great later on down the road......... Not to mention the quality time and the cuddles you'll get............ The memories will last a lifetime....... I'm not a game player either.......Children and bubbles, there's not a better match, they will remember these times and so will you.....

Now if none of that helps you try contacting  your local hospital about parenting classes, explain your feelings and they may be able to point you in the proper direction......I had to take classes.......... The reason is that new parents are just that"NEW"..... It's all new and it may not be easy but it sure is fun.....You chose to have children so why not enjoy them.... These are the best days of your life....

I hope this is some amount of help to you.......

Last but not least remember this.........God will never give you a load that he thinks you can't carry.......

You will be fine I'm sure of it ........... There are some wonderful MOMS right here and their advice is ample and free................

So lets look toward some happier days..... With the help of these women you will be a great MOM.........

I'll be here too.................Stay vwell and strong...............

Gator

[kittykat58]

having small children is very difficult. I found it extremely hard to deal with the undending demands, and I only have one. believe me, it gets better as they get older and more able to entertain themselves -- it starts to change when they are around 5 or 6. with two they will start to play with each other -- and then you will only have to broker the disagreements!

you HAVE to make time for yourself, just a couple of hours/day or a few hours/week. I had my husband help, but if the dad is not in the picture and you have your mom, try to schedule the time that you have help so you can make those few precious hours count, do exactly what YOU want, whether it's watching oprah or taking a walk or going out for a cup of coffee...just not getting high! I felt really trapped by having a child, like I was in a pit and would never get my chin up over the edge again. but it does get better.

I had to take an antidepressant (zoloft) after my child was born because I felt so overwhelmed and I took it for a couple of years. that may be a better option for you than vicodin. I know from experience that vics don't solve anything -- and they WILL make you a bad mom! the high will be so compelling and your kids will feel so overwhelming by comparison that you will start to resent them for interfering with your buzz. try to make some time to get off them and then stay the hell off them -- they will only make the pressures of parenting seem worse by comparison.

[kim715]

Catmagnet is right if you were a bad mom you wouldn't care.Trust me hun,I'm raising 2 grandchildren because my stepdaughter is an addict and has not seen  or tried to contact her children,there are 4 children all together she lost custody of her sons 6 years ago to the paternal grandmother,in 11 months.She has refused all efforts to help her get into a rehab.As we speak she is sitting in jail waiting for a formal arraignment on prostitution and drug charges and a probation violation because the court ordered her into rehab and she never showed up.She refuses to address her addiction and is in denial about the horribly negative effects her lifestyle has had and continues to have on her children.Her children  are well aware of her drug use because she would smoke crack and shoot heroin right in front of them leaving the 4 year old to care for the 2 year old.At least you put your childrens welfare first and reach out to your mother for help to care for them.And you've just taken the first step by admitting you have a problem and reaching out for help.I wish my stepdaughter thought enough about her children to do the same.Being a mom with 2 small children can be overwhelming at times,feeling that way is perfectly normal.That doesn't make you a bad mom that makes you human.However abusing the pills is not the answer it's no good for you and it's no good for your babies,they need there mother.You're absolutely right you need to go talk to someone so they can help you to figure out what is causing you to feel this way perhaps it is post-partum depression and please continue to talk with us here.You're not alone in this there are alot of moms here and we can relate to what you are going through.Please keep posting.Peace.

[sadinmichigan]

I am so sorry you feel so bad..honey..i suffered from post partum depression after my 6th child..it is a real depression..you need to talk to a dr. about this..Did you feel this way before you had kids? it is very stressful at times being a parent especially of 2 little ones so close in age..As R2R said..You are not alone in this..you are reaching out which to me means you don't like the way your feeling..now to get tough for a second..You are a mom..and you do love your kids..so you need to do something about this for your sske and your childrens. i know it is not easy..i have 6 kids and have often felt the way you do..we are here for you..please keep posting..

[catmagnet]

I was the same way when my kid was born. Except that I always had a margarita in my hand. Same thing. If you're worried about what kind of a mom you are, then you are NOT a bad mom, or you wouldn't care.That's my opinion.

[GoingToMakeIt]

I already sent a PM to 1234betterlife. she is a RN trained in obgyn. She may provide some help for you. My wife teaches childbirth and I have heard her say this is more common than you think. Hang in there. Drugs are not the answer. Even though you seem to feel better. There are so many things they do to your body. Pretty soon you will not get the mood elevation etc.. It takes a long time for the body to repair itself after using opiates. there are many things you can do and take to help with your mood. Look in the Health Pages for amino acid protocol. They are on the right side of page here.

[road2recovery]

First off u are not a bad mom......I really think that since u say "SINCE" your children were born, shows that maybe u are suffereing from some kind of Post Part Depression...Could be from having them  so close together....Have u ever told this to your consouler???  have u ever told your OBGYN???
I promise u this will not be the first time they have heard this....I just don't think (IMO) that klonopin and litium is the medication u need.....
As far as popping a pill when they are crying or bad---i think many of us here are guilty of this.....It doesn't mean we are bad, it means that we are sick, and we need to learn how to deal.....
maybe look on this forum and they might have a forum for this.....
Keep your chin up
r2r